Love Sick

It's been four years now to my break up with G and I have been single ever since. Of course, I went on some dates and explored more dicks. Also, fell in love and got my heart broken. And after all these years of madness, I had to put a conscious stop to it all. Where was it all taking me? Where did I want to go, anyway? Sometimes, I wanted the attention, sometimes the sex and sometimes I thought to myself, 'Maybe I need to lower my standards to get into a relationship' despite being fully aware of how I would not genuinely love the person even if I did.

In the last one year and a half, I have moved from one country to another and now a new one, rising up in my career yet not completely satisfied. Lets not miss the point where I have regrown my virginity by keeping my legs together for over two years. I will not say that the last few posts which were depressing as fuck and only asked questions no one ever has answers to are too, different from my current state yet I'd say I am a new person. Why same and why different? Same for questions still exist sometimes, different because, I am finally at peace.

As much as I may have dished out your advices on How badly I should move out of the place that was making me the way that it was, turns out you guys were fuckin' right about it mate! BUT foremost, it takes will to want to change things, sometimes you have to force yourself and work hard on it too. Nothing in life ever comes easy. Turning tables in your life definitely never does. 'Time to change the playlist, DJ!', thats what I said to myself and that's how I turned tables, no heads.

During my Rock n' Rolla life of Sex, Drugs and Alcohol, I sort of got used to a certain amount of attention. Mostly sexual, but so what? And here I was in a country, where I was happy not getting attention. I met a few boys, some decent, some intelligent and some self made rich young men too. And these were all men my parents directly or slyly introduced me to for TADAH! SURPRISE SURPRISE! Kill me! BUT to be a little fair, these men were nice. (Ahem! Maybe my parents have better taste than I do.) Why did nothing work out? Well, because I never allowed them to formally take it forward with the cliche 'I am not ready for marriage' excuse. It's only now I have begun to feel ready for a relationship (which is different from wanting to be married.) Not just ready but I genuinely would like to be in one now.

This is not a sign of desperation but being aware of yourself. Some are compulsive relationship freaks, some are Forever Alones and some are ready for it. I am ready for it. Which means I feel I can finally love and care back which was not the case before. Earlier what I wanted was, the attention. And that my friends, is a big difference in how your relationship is going to be. Of course, attention is important in a relationship but should never be your reason to get into a relationship. Disaster! Now, that maturity has taken over, I feel more confident about it. And no, another series of one night stands is not the answer. Not interested! Funny discovery of self in fact tells me I even suck at flirting. I realized a pattern where if a guy shows interest in me, I immediately curl into a shell. I become scared and rude which of course ends in him dating someone else then. I maybe confident in wanting to date and having overcome all that has happened in my past but despite gaining wisdom and peace with self, there are little tiny drops of insecurity which have not been wiped off. I am working on it but it's like a minor attack of paranoia hits me every time I see myself with a man. He is not interested in me. He just wants to fuck. He does not think I am pretty. He thinks I am a dumbfuck. He thinks I am showing too much interest. He thinks I am desperate. He is a flirt. He is like this with every girl. Oh no! This is just a friendly polite conversation. He has no option that's why me! And some more. So, while I am jogging through these various possibilities of how the man is not interested me, I have genuinely dished the man out even when I am consciously trying to flirt back. Clearly, I do not know how to flirt. I suck at it! And I definitely suck at taking things forward, instead I run away. Thanks to the above mentioned insecurities that I am still struggling with. Do you see how hard my life is now? God damn it! I struggle with flirting as well as getting rid of my insecurities, both at the same fucking time! And somewhere in the middle of it, I am trying to have a conversation with this guy too. Applaud for my terrible multi tasking skills please.

And to make matters worse, friends are ofcourse getting married, parents want you married, the unmarried ones are planning their marriages and those who are not planning their marriages are steady in their fucking relationships. Awesome! I have spent my prime years in fucking men I have no wish seeing again and then discovering my real self, my soul. Turns out, I am quite average (maybe even below average), contrary to the years of Diva image I had of myself in my head.Yet, I prefer the life I have lived than the average life that many have lived or are living. I am an average person for sure but not one with an average life. Do you ever see how everything leads to another? Have you ever seen the dominoes roll in your life? I sat and saw it all, and when you see it, you smile. Your peace is sitting in the middle of the thousands of dominoes falling on each other. The moment it pops out, you have attained a little bit of wisdom. And I would never trade anything ever for this poetic life of mine.

I am in one of my most happy phases. I have not just realized things about self but also about my relationships with friends and family. Who do you want to keep and who you do not? Even if it is your best friend for over a decade who has hurt you with her words and action and used you financially and harmed you emotionally, no amount of love and years of togetherness can justify it. Some relationships come with unbreakable rules. And you may for years defend it to yourself and others, the day you see that domino roll, you see some relationships falling with it. Yet, you sit there and smile. Relieved. Wiser. Happier. Peaceful.

You let some go. You let some stay. And you invite some new. I am hoping to find someone I can share a relationship, a friendship and love and care with. Not just my bed for a few hours, anymore. I am a sorted regrown virgin. Amen to this new self, I say!

Love n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

LSL

Emotions are a Man Made thing.

Exhausted. Physically too. Can not. Do not want to write. Been avoiding for months. Still want to. But something tells me if its not now, it will have to be a Doctor.

I came out of the theater, whimpering, like a cat. Skyfall had nothing to do with it. But the world was crumbling inside my head. I longed for peaceful moments but that night I dreaded it. It was not going to be easy spending the next one week alone in a house in silence. Especially calculating his arrival and knowing of hers.

CT was going to come to town again. And his new love and BG's old was already in town - R.

Funny, this world is. Before I knew BG, he fought, thew tantrums and insisted I was R, the love that broke his heart and he was never the same again. She was married and she played along with him during her trying times. Sought comfort in him. Got him addicted to her and then left him. BG, heartbroken. Waited to give up his world for her. To go to any lengths. That's what you do when you are in love, right? But she vanished and came back only to call him a good friend she would seldom meet over drinks.

Apparently, I had known R all along through her blog. And so, we met. We took instant liking to each other.

By now, BG was a happily married man. He had accepted her wandering and his heartbreak. Sometimes, you can still see it in his eyes when he speaks of her. There is some amount of anger, some sadness, a spoon of disappointment and a jar full of shattered dreams.

R and I grew fond of each other. Bonded over other common online friends, cigarettes, alcohol, books and writing.  She called me a kid. She treated me like one. Something told me, her encouragement towards my work was more out of what she had left behind unfinished. Like aspirational parents, who want their unfinished dreams fulfilled by their children. She was also moody. At the drop of a hat, she would snap and judge people. Disliked most. Made the effort of liking very few. Almost like she did not care. Almost like she genuinely did not have an opinion about these people. Almost like she had a vengeance against this world and to survive she would pretend to like a few. The vengeance was strong. You could feel it even in her silence.

R left her humble small unknown town in the name of love for a big big city life. She had been to two different cities for education and work before. But she was still that small town girl. She, still is.

I have no idea what had happened but once in her drunken state she told me, 'I packed all my bags and left in the name of love to that big city and ended up being heartbroken. I could have come back. Instead, I embraced the city. Fell in love with it." Subtext:  I immersed myself in its ugliness and its noise. I let all that take over the heart ache and piled it with ambition and hard work. She used her anger and aggressiveness in her work and became the successful workaholic woman cliche.

No, she is not single, so to say. She met another man after her heartbreak. Almost a decade older. Nothing in common. And not in love too. He was a mere distraction and an escape from the screams inside her head. Or so she thought.

Her quest to find that lost love. To find her happy smiling content self continues. Many men walk past her way. She smiles, invites and traps them in her darkness and her mystery. Mesmerized, these men follow the path she carves for them. Like characters of a book, she is writing. Sometimes, I think she is so aware of it that she intentionally uses it in her favor. Not exactly to let out her heart ache but then its easier to carve a story around characters you have seen and met.

Look deep in her eyes and they look helpless. Like prisoned by the anger of her heart. Innocent. Helpless. Sad. They look like the kind of eyes that still cry on her soft expensive pillows. The wine stains on the bed sheet speak of the life she had not imagined. She could not handle. And in this quest, she met the ever charming and intelligent CT. CT, who has been mentioned rather fondly in the past few posts.

For a long time, I was confused. The thought disturbed me that CT and R could be having a 'thing'. Ct is a lot younger and she, married. This restlessness was shared with BG, who after hearing everything, asked just one thing, "Is he a Charmer?"
"Very. I fell for it." And that I'd like to believe is a huge thin for I hate to trust men and most definitely recognize their tricks. Here, for once, I failed. And miserably so.
"Well, if he is a great charmer then only a woman more charming than him could charm him."

Reality Bites. I found my answer despite BG taking advantage of his friendship with R and actually confirming it. She confirmed the positive.

R has all of a sudden stopped talking to me. CT, I do not want to talk to. I have lost all respect for the man which makes me angrier. Angrier to the extent that I find myself killing CT and R in my dreams. Not once, but repeatedly so. I cry in anger to sleep wanting to finish it all and move on like I never knew them. Like I was unintentionally unlearning things about K, my best friend.

K, her brother and I, now live together. A dream we saw as little girls is now a nightmare. That is another story. Another miserable one, which shall be talked of in the next post.

CT is in town right now. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to hear that voice. I am sure R knows about us which explains her sudden disliking for me. That explains why CT would not talk. Would not meet for it would piss R off. She controls him. And some amount of it, he needs, being aware of his philandering nature.

Six months back I gave CT and my common friend a gift I customized and got made for CT. All I wanted was the friend to give the gift to him on this trip on his. Only and only because I want that burden off my head. Also maybe, deep down in my hearts, I wish he would realize how thoughtful that gift is and appreciate his loss. Or just know how much I thought of him and what I must be going through right now.

I smirk as the next thought hits my head - "I want him to feel all the pain I suffered because of him." And if not him, who knows I may want to start throwing this pain, this anger back at the world. Just like R does. I dread that future.

I want to hang onto my hopes. I want to believe in my happy carefree self again. I am happy not having or discovering a dark side. I have no intentions of finding myself waking to a wet pillow and no pants because a lazy douchebag thinks I am his phone sex partner. Every night after a few too many drinks and spliffs that seem never ending, I do not want to find myself looking for temporary comfort. Failing at my innumerable attempts at forgetting this pain. Forgetting CT. Forgetting my love for him, in the arms of another man. I do not want to lock my room and scribble my feelings on the wall, somewhere feeling I may need serious help. I do not want any help. I do not want to admit my addiction. I just want to get over it. CT has become that drug I am addicted to and knowing I can not have it makes me whimper, makes me angry, makes me want to kill people, makes me want this world to end, makes me sure I want to lie alone naked in a house with no human contact for days, months, maybe years. What's the funniest? I do not even want him. He is an asshole I will never have any respect for. He has only gotten me addicted to him like probably R has him addicted to her. One oh her many men.

I finally have lost my faith in love. I have lost my strength to hold onto any hopes. Lets get real. This world was never made for emotions. We were sent here as animals. Like K said to me once, "You can never love. You are such an animal. You just fuck." Ladies and Gentlemen, that's my best friend for over a decade telling me that with absolute seriousness. I let it pass but that I will hold against her. She had no right to say something like that to me when she is not even interested or has a clue what I feel for CT and what I am going through. This is the 'best friend' of my life, I live with.

Despite reading all of this, if you still expect me to move on with my life and hope and expect how unexpectedly things will change for me one fine day. I am sorry. I have not just given up. I have lost a game with no second chances. Lost my belief in my strongest value of 'Loving without expectations'. BECAUSE FUCKERS! PEOPLE EXPECT! AND THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU LOVE THEM YOU FUCKING RECOGNIZE THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY TO DO THINGS FOR THEM! I, have done, if not everything, yet I can proudly say, I have. I have fucking followed my heart (who was that fucktard who told me that?) and taken my risks time and again. I did today too in the middle of this post. I said I do not want to meet CT but I asked him to see me and he said he had plans. I knew it would turn this way. But I did. I took my chances. I have just been taking chances time and again, time and again, time and fucking again. But like they say right, somethings never change. My failures have not. My disappointments increase in a multitude, though. Every friend I ever banked on. Every tiny little thing makes me realize how most of my friends are not interested in my life. In what I may have to say. In what I may feel. They are there because I am there for them. Or maybe because I never told them about anything that ever mattered. I just don't. I just can not talk as much as I may want to. I can not think of a single person I can just hold, bury my face under their arm and cry till I sleep off in their lap and wake up to them smiling and making me feel like it is all fucking right. If I did not tell anymore because I wanted to make them feel like its no big deal then it really isn't. I want that person to smile and tell me it was all just a terrible terrible nightmare and its a bright new day. Its all the same as I left it more than a year back. Its all OKAY, in the real sense of it. I just want that smile to wrap me and make me believe all that I have unlearned. Make me that happy innocent smiling child again. Remove the chirpy mask and still find the awesome me that is confident, smart and happy. Just so fucking happy, I used to be that it confused people. Now, it doesn't matter to them. Such is world. Such is Life.

I have no idea what am I going to make of myself. But something extreme awaits this time.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.
LSL

A Stale Piece of Cake

Of what was supposed to be a peaceful virtual interaction has become not a barrier but lets say, it’s a reef – slippery, disgusting, fancy looking yet not something you will pick up and take home as part of your collection. Like my life, now.

With no Internet for over two months, I have been waiting for a chance to write, to tell you a story, another chapter of a new life gone old. But as life has it, I am unable to match my steps with the stars that dance above my head. Clueless – Confused – I do not know where to start, before I catch up, the footwork has changed and it’s a new lesson all over again. A viscous circle I chose to go round and round in, not knowing it could spin my head. How foolish I could be? Going round and round continuously does give you a head ache. One of the first experimental lessons you learn while playing Ringa Ringa Roses. I am sorry. I forgot. Or maybe just wanted to play again. Feel that sadistic joy we all felt after those circles, again.

“Somewhere I think K has a negative influence in your life.”

“Why would you say that? That ain't true. I Love her!” It almost sounded forced to me. It might have to BG too.

This man was interested in me. We spoke all day. We flirted all night. Good looking. Smart. Could give him a shot cause I felt maybe it was high time I explore. I open up.

“He pinged me. I did not reply.”

“Why?”

“Because I know you guys are flirting and now we live together so I think I should not come into the picture.”

“Chill. Maybe it was just a ‘Whats up’ ping.”

“Yet!”

For once I felt proud of her.

“Are you texting him?”

“Yes. You?”

“I am going to stop talking to him. I do not like him texting us both together…. “

Of course it was me who took a step back and they kissed, after a week of texting and getting introduced by me.

“Its like she wants every man you remotely flirt with.  If she was even slightly pretty, I would have asked you to pretend like you were flirting with me. Then, she would be interested in me too.”

As mean as that line was, it strangely made me feel good. It was BG’s opinion but it was like he said it for me. Like I felt this somewhere deep down but would never say it to self. And then, he said it, like, on my behalf.

I have been warned. None of my friends like her. Including V, the recent man I sleep with off and on. He does not even know her. Just thinks, “She is your friend, I understand. But why, I do not.”

Now my defence for her has come down to an unreasonable “Because I Love her. She is my oldest bestest friend.”

“You know, my friend had the chance to hit on this girl I liked. She was all over him. And I was not even in the same city. Yet, he backed off. Other guys didn’t. He did, cause he is my friend.”

BG’s anecdote that made me feel worse.

“I was about to go and ask that guy at the bar that he was trying to get all jiggy with you the last time.”

“Is the purpose of your life is to embarrass me?”

“No! Why should you be embarrassed? It is he, who should be.”

He, who flirted with her the first few times and then started to hit on me pretty blatantly and sexually. Ofcouse K was told about it. And she (probably) did not like it.

K is seeing RH. The man I had had my first one night stand with. The man was gentle and became a nicer person after I got to know him once K and he started dating. K is ofcourse having her fun while he is away. Her brother and I do not approve of it but then, ‘it is her life after all’.

It was a good time to go home. To just indulge in home cooked food and some comfortable quality time with family, where there would be no space left for me to think, to over think, to evaluate and to realize what I do not want to.

She decided to come to her home too after two days. I came back before her and saw some of my invaluable things missing. I checked her drawer, only because I have noticed other insignificant things from my house missing before and finding at her place. But I never confronted her regarding it. This time too, when I found it despite us sharing the room. I have not confronted and will not. But I know, now, that I have taken it back from where she hid it, she knows that I know.

Yes, this is what I live with. This, is what I call my life partner. This bond – a marriage. This closeness – a treasure. Unfortunate, I feel. This is all I have truly invested all my emotions in. Feels like finding your husband has been cheating on you after 20 years of a happy blissful marriage. I am sure, this is what this feels like. Sadly, I called her family. They do not do this, do they? Are they always that selfish? Does it make you feel like a toy? This does. This makes me feel like a fool. Worse than what CT made me feel – A never thought of heartbreak.

I fell in love with the man. He knew it. For his comfort, he was always around and otherwise, well… He is apparently finding his comfort in many like me. He has in the past and continues to do so. A hard step but I have taken many steps back, resisting the temptations of the comfort his arms. He angers me, like no man ever has. He saddens me, like no other bond had until K.

K beats everything. Unfortunately for me, all of this came together, slowly, like a venomous drug spreading through my veins, killing me softly without any pain. For once, struck with so many realizations, poured with so many lessons, I feel not cold, I feel not unnerved. I feel wiser. I feel stronger. I feel the original plan shall take place. I am even more seriously thinking of moving out of the country. Not now. No impulse has gotten me where I have wanted to be. And believe me, I have lived quite a part of my life on impulse. Take it as an advice, if you please.

A new world, a new set of people, not even familiar looking for that matter is what I am looking forward to, now. It’s a long time from now. Maybe a year, maybe more, maybe less, but it is to happen. I have fought my surrendering to a world of no love and no loyalty. I still have the strongest part of me going once again, my faith. Feelings will change. People will be replaced. But there is no escaping yourself. Be true to yourself. Do not let anything anyone turn you into what you do not want to be. For as lame and repetitive this may sound, believe you me, its true, my friend. If you are young, you are learning. And learn with an open heart. Never forget, at 50, you will have to pass the same lessons to your children. They will go through the same, god forbid, maybe worse and that is when they too will break down and come home, just to escape into their oldest comfort zone, the home cooked food.

I still have a lot of love and still a lot of strength to dive into adventures. This, my friend is nothing compared to the possibilities that exist in this world. So many lessons still await me and my old habit of learning them the way refuses to fade away. With every ash falling on the keys beneath this screen, the lips curve upwards, a little more.

“A True friend is he, who never talks behind your back”, said someone casually today. That is when I picked my laptop and moved out to start typing the above. But now, it is no more about the out pour, it is for you to know, nothing in this world is that important to learn it the hard way. Be cautious. Protect yourself a little, not over. Be sensible. Be open to learning. Be attentive and catch well whatever life throws at you. It could be an insignificant lemon that you may not sight in the sky, it could be a pumpkin that could break your head if not got your calculations right.

Love ‘n’ Peace.

Hugs. Kisses.

LSL.

Bitching about Dogs!

Some may find it weird and cheap but I love to sit on pathways, talking and observing people, occasionally, with my smoke. The world seems different and you seem more approachable to the world.

Sitting doing my occasional thing with two of my girlfriends discussing family, pressures, friends, boyfriends, men, women, girlfriends over one smoke after another. Advising, Arguing, Laughing and Crying.

"I think that guy is good looking."
"Which one?"
"Wait. The girl is weird... Whats with good looking men taken by ugly... Oh Fuck!"
"What happened?"
"The guy is ugghhly. He looked nice through the glasses of the store."
"And the girl is nice."
"Yeah. I Love what she is wearing."

"All girl's have this problem", a random guy who almost stole my new lighter (he borrowed and was not returning. :P), talking over the phone.

We burst into laughter like young teenagers, who find every random thing funny.

"I think he is having girlfriend troubles."
"I think he is breaking up."
"Or maybe she is breaking up. He looks like he could cry."
"All men are the same. Cry babies who just can not move on."
"Well... we did not ask for personal experience talking here."
"Exactly PL."
"Shut up RM."
"On second thoughts RM you have been talking to poor PL as if you have four boyfriends. Spare her your stupid invalid advices. You have no idea what she has been talking about for an hour."
"Oh Puhleez! I am the one who had four boyfriends. So, I am more experienced."
"That does not show cause you apparently do not even know the importance of 'who hangs up first' in a fight."
"Oh! You two have weird ideas about relationships."
"Me hanging up first in a fight and he calling back is so cute."
"PL! You are in love."
"I don't know about that. But he is cute. Considerate."
"It was never really an issue with me, but yeah, it feels nice if the person calls you back and well you have hung up and thrown all the tantrums, yet are being pampered back. Ofcourse its special. G always called back. Sometimes I hung up just so he calls back."
"Well, Once I did try hanging up but my phone got hung and the call could not end. So, I called him back from my landline and then banged the phone."
"See, so you did too."
"Yeah. I guess."
"But I think he is very cute."
"PL! DATE HIM! What part of it do you not understand?"
"I can not date him over the phone, right? He will be back in December. I will meet him then and then talk to him face to face about it."
"PL, you guys are already informally dating. You two talk, flirt and even have lovers' fights."
"Yeah, but I dont know. He is just too cute."
"We get the point, PL!", simultaneously.
"But dating him would mean losing allot of my friends."
"Is it about ST?"
"ST has been extremely moody ever since I told him about this guy."
"Well, he is human. He has been wooing you for over a year now."
"But I can not see him beyond a friend. He is just too sweet."
"So, if a guy is sweet he is not date-able and if he is cute he is totally worth it?"
"Yeah L. You got it!"
"But then he will understand. He will get over it if you are good friends."
"He is a man RM. He wont!"
"Exactly."
"Men are terrible at taking rejections and break ups. They just take it too harshly."
"Look at ST, DV, PD, etc. etc. etc. (she really had a long list of good friends turned Romeos). They have all stopped talking to me after a while. I have only been losing friends this way."
"Thankfully, I have been lucky that way."
"But I swear, if this guy does not work out. I am giving in and getting married."
"Oops!"
"How does it matter? You will anyway be married to someone from Doon, only."
"Argh! I hate that bit."
"Why? Whats with Doon?"
"ST from Doon, this cute guy from Doon, DV from Doon, this other random guy I was being fixed with by my friends was also from Doon. Like Really!"
"LOL! Take it or Leave it. You are destined to be married off to a Doon guy."
"I think I attract the wrong guys."
"Its not about the city my love."
"It is! They all are so hung up! Something is wrong with Doon boys, I tell you."
"Well, maybe you were some Doon Princess in your last life and all these men must have woed you but died in the process. :P."
"I don't know, L. Life is a mess."
"Its not. Date the cute guy."
"Yeah. I guess I will."
"You must! You are informally dating yet restricting yourselves from saying and doing things just cause you two are not 'dating' but are still behaving like a couple in other ways."
"Thats true. I do stop myself many times cause its not like..."
"We are dating, but we are... You two will hang in the middle forever like this, then. JUST MEET HIM AND DATE!"
"Okay! Let him come back!"

After two hours of all kinds of crap.

"Excuse me?"
Returning the Lighter.
"Thanks."
I smile. And then he sits beside me.
"I hope you all do not mind me joining you."
"Errr....."
"Actually I just wanted to ask you one thing."
"Sure?"
"Is it really easy for women to just break up without any reason."
"(WTF? Where did that come from?", all three faces said that.
"Umm... Well... Can not generalize, can we?"
"I was dating this girl for a year and now she calls and says she does not feel for me anymore."
(Which part of that does not qualify as a reason?)
"Umm... Maybe she has some issues she has not told you about or is going through a phase and will be fine in a while."
"If she had an issue she would have told me, for sure."
(I do not like over confident boyfriends. Women love their men to guess but men... Sigh!)
"Well, then talk to her about it."
"I did but she has no explanation."
(She just said she does not feel for you anymore, Loser!)
"Give it some time. If it works out, it works out. But if she still has no explanation then let it go. It will not work out. Accept it."
Almost crying, "Tch. How could she..?"
Looks back at us, "Anyway, I am so and so from Doon. You are?"
PL looks away.
"L"
"RM"
Waiting...
"She is PL."
"Thanks for the help."
"TC. Bye."

We both turn to PL and laugh our asses off.
"This guy is not getting an explanation and that girl is getting no peace. Period."

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Yes, I believe in Magic!

Amidst a storm of bad days, relationships, each one of them, not even one spared from the curse, today I was left feeling different. My silences grew. Faking a bad mood has gradually become difficult, equally has the need for expressing it. I wrote posts over the past 45 days, not once but many times. Some complete and some not, but they never made me take my mouse click to 'Publish Post'. They had so much, all about the moods, the conversations, the events, some funny and some tragic, but they lacked the feeling I have after I write a post. I have never written for the heck of it. Hence, I would never post for the heck of it either. Be it my first time experience of a bikini wax or drunk making out with my best friend's boyfriend's best friend (yeah... long connection there). My honest confession to G about it and what came after that or terrible fuck ups with family, flat mates and friends. There was nothing bad in terms of relationships that has not happened all together in just a span of these 45 days. I am not over it. I am somehow, now accepting it in different ways. A little compromise. A little ignorance.

All of this and then he called. He called and narrated an entire two day weekend plan. My first reaction was "Are you fucking mad? You think I am going to spend my entire weekend with YOU?" I did not mean to sound that way but I did not want to go ahead with this long plan either. But I don't know. I did. We caught up for the match, drinks, dinner, another match, drinks, all with his friends and mine, making it a huge group of over 10 people. It was fun. Slowly, I started liking my decision. We spent more time over the weekend. Talked. Remained silent. Had tea in silence over looking the sky. He remarked in the car as we were moving with his two friends for brunch, as planned, "I am assuming there will be a very intense post coming from you today." I made me usual 'What?' face. "You have been thinking too much today. You have been very silent." I had. I had allot on mind. About life, about a bitter conversation with mom and sister just a moment back, about my career, about relationships, about their meaning in my life, about the 'doormat syndrome' he talks about, about the inner peace that was calming all the puzzled thoughts dancing in my head, thanks to the view from his friend's pent house balcony.

Throughout the weekend, the only two times I remember us 'talking', was him stopping me from smoking every time I would get up to go out for a smoke and a lame drunken sleepy weird conversation, after we had hit the bed, which I don't even remember. It doesn't matter because we can talk and be silent at the same time. Comfortable with everything. When we talk, our conversations begin from somewhere and end somewhere. They are very random and sensible, both at the same time. Its funny. We open up to each other like strangers do. It was pretty evident when I spent some three to four days, straight being online waiting for him because I wanted to talk about G and I knew, despite G being there, despite great friends, it was only he I wanted to speak to. It is something I never understood, and before I left for a one week break and my last night chance of catching him online, he finally did come and we spoke all night, about each other, about G, about me, about G and me. He gave me his number. I told him where I was. The disclosure came with forced hesitance but naturally it was all flowing. My anonymous Blogger ethics were stopping me but the real me was not.

And that was just the beginning. Six months down the line, we have seen several movies together, hung out with each other's friends, had night stays and fights too. Today as he drove me back home, we admired the sky and sat silent. The weekend plan of watching Argentina v/s Germany had changed because he had to get home. I left too. I knew there was something. The silence was comfortable. His stupidity and drunken funny dance moves did not make the sophisticated me raise an eyebrow. His kinky jokes and random messages were not judged. There was a connection. There was what the movie we just came out of said "Magic". Yes, I like to pretend that I do not believe in it but secretly, I do. We know it for a fact that we share a connection. Something, that is not found in all relationships, mostly craved for and not found in the romantic ones. This is not a romantic relationship. This is just a relationship which would remain in my memory forever whether we remain in touch for that long or not.

It is the connect you form with a person immediately and you know it will stay. Because, its a relationship built solely on that and has nothing else to offer or take. It is not what most call a step to fall in love. It is just plain connect. Some heroes find it in their bartenders and some heroines in that stranger old man sitting by the riverside. I just found it in a Blogger friend.

Its comfortable. Its crazy. And its nothing romantic. Its not something all understand. Its what I call the 'MAGICAL CONNECTION'.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Tik Tok on the Clock! But the part don't Stop!

My status message, "Why is same sex marriage not legal in this country? I would be so much happier spending my entire life with the love of my life, K. Gosh... Distance is really making the heart grow fonder. *Sigh*"

Her reply, "Oh my God! I want you, NOW! You surprise me time and again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you."

Her status message, "Wants L. Her laughter, smile, tears, love mean the world to K. Marry me L."

My reply, "I Do. (Background - And I now pronounce you woman and wife. You both may now kiss.) *SMMMOOOOOCCCHHHIIIEEE*"

I call. She answers.
"I Do."
"I Do too."
We burst into what I would call a fit of laughter.
"Gosh L. We must really get married."
"I swear. We would never get bored of each other. Have so much fun together. And be like the best couple ever."
'Men are very boring anyway."
"Also, you know I can not stay with one man all my life."
"Nor can I. We must seriously get married."
"I was so desperately calling you last night."
"Sorry baby. I was asleep. It was 3 when you called."
"LOL. Yeah. But guess what?"
"What?"
"I was talking to HK last night and we got all so when are you coming to this place and stuff and he was like I am coming soon. My girlfriend is there. IMAGINE!!! My heart broke into pieces. I have been crushing on this fool since SCHOOL. I feel like such a loser. It is like donkey years. When would I get over him?"
"LOL. Who?"
"Some really ugly chick from our school itself. IMAGINE! I mean if he really had to date our school junior, I was fucking there!"
"I think you should tell him."
"Well, last night I was just so fucking bored that i thought I will finally tell him about this crush that I have had on him for like forever but then this stupid conversation about his girlfriend started and I wanted to shoot myself."
"Trust me L, remember how much I crushed on SN. The moment I told him I want to date him. I have not answered his calls since that day. I was over him."
"So telling him means me getting over him?"
"Maybe he getting interested in you. He is in a long distance with an ugly weird girl. Ofcourse he will break up."
"LOL. But this crush is just so much fun."
"Yeaah."
"We should be together I am telling you."
"I honestly think we will end up living with each other. Cause no man would want to live with me."
"K, Like we can tolerate the men in our lives for too long?"
"LOL! I Love you L."
"Yes baby I Love you too."
"But do you really not like my boyfriend?"
"I have not met him since you started dating him, K."
"Come on. He is just so cool. He is nice. He is a dentist. Plays the guitar. Is getting his belly pierced. Wow! And what else?"
"K! What else?"
"Yeah like what else are his qualities?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"
'Make some up to make me feel good."
"K! You two come here. I shall meet and judge him and then you shall get my approval."
"Oh! Please like him. He is really nice. I will tie him to a pole when you come here next."
"LOL. Cool.... Hey! Imagine Polygamy is not an issue with us too."
"Yeah. We shall easily get our lays here and there."
"Exactly. And no issues with living with ONE MAN all your life. How the fuck do other women manage? Men are such a boring pain."
"Those women are fools. We can share ours."
"Hi5!"
"Hi5!"
"Gosh. We must start living together soon before I kill myself."
"No No L, you are not killing yourself."
"Obviously I am. I have broken up. Other men do not interest me. People I am surrounded with otherwise are choots and I hate my work. Argh. So fucking clueless about life."
'Baby, chill! This phase will go away in two months. Happens with everybody."
"Yeah. And until then I shall hide myself and drown myself in work and not see anybody's face."
"LOL. Like not see anybody's face."
'Else I will end up slapping the world. Most people annoy me to the core."
"Okay. Chill. I will be with you very soon. And we shall live together forever. As of now, I will go eat."
"Fuck! I hate you! I want to have mom made food too."
"I will cook for you."
"Pasta? And that daal?"
"Yes my love, with your curd, humus and rice."
"Now I am a happy girl. The way to your spouse's heart is through the stomach afterall."
"LOL. Love you L."
"Love you too. Muaah."
"Muaah."
"Bye."
"Bye."

Does life get better than this? NO FUCKING WAY! Nothing like having your girlfriends with you. And my best friend really does make my world go round. :) I Love you baby.

I am hooked to this chick party song. You just want to get dressed. Fight for the mirror. Share clothes make up shoes. Suggest Advice each other on the styling. Jump into the car with speakers pumping with loud music and hit the party scene having every guy ogle at you and you just have fun with your girls, all drunk. Listen Tik Tok by Kesha.



Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

On days like these...

Out of habit, I vent out in front of BG.
"Argh. BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY!"
"Get a hug. Eat a Burger. Drink a Beer."
"No hugs available.
Burger - Not in the mood.
If I have Beer then my work will surely get done."
"Okay."

After about an hour.

"Where are you?
"Home. Where else?"
"Okay. I will see you in 10 minutes."
"Uh.. Okay."

10 minutes later, the doorbell rings.
"Hi."
"Hi. You needed a hug na..."

Middle of the night I call K. We speak for an hour and a half about EVERYTHING on this planet, including our own whimsical one. She reassures me of who I am when I need it the most. She knows I am disillusioned. Demotivated. Frustrated. Pissed. Rusting to the extent of losing myself forever. She says the right things and makes things seem so much easier for me.
"You are L! How can you be letting yourself do this to you? Just go ahead and take the decision. I know it will not be easy but then you are not happy anyway. You bloody well do it."

Later after that call.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Sure it is just work?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Then you continue. We will talk tomorrow."
And G and I hang up.

Five minutes later, phone beeps.
"I know you had a bad day. Wish I'de know what happened and wish I could make it better for you. Now that I can not, all I can offer is a big hug with a promise that everything happens for good. Have a nice night baby. Tomorrow is a new day."

Some things can never change between me and G.

It is on days like these you wonder what good did you do in your life that you have such beautiful people in your life who are just there for you.

Thanking you three would be belittling the emotions and the ear to ear unending smile you brought on my face. All I can do is Thank God for having you in my life. Thank you God for making me your special child and someone special for these people. :) I still can not stop smiling. BIG HUG. BIG KISS.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Hanging around!

"You want to sit outside and drink?"
"Outside is good."
"There you go..."
She passed the bottle of Bacardi to me.
As we sat in silence sipping white rum from the bottle, smoking our cigarettes on a cold winter night, there was this beautiful silence we shared.

"So, tell me something, L?"
I knew this was going to be a fun night.
"Well, there is not much to me. Except for my recent break up."
"I still haven't understood why did you break up... but... yeah... whatever."
We take another shot.
She continues, "So, G is the only man you have slept with?"
"Yes. And you?"
"Well, I have slept here and there but as of now I am on a dry spell."
"Well, I am sure I will be on that soon."
"Oh Shut up! Yours has just been a month."
"Exactly! And I have no idea when am I getting it next."
"Oh... that way."
"So, whats the scene with your ex?"
"Creepy. I was juvenile and then I just grew up but he didn't."
"Hhhmmm. What about the other men?"
"Well, I have had things here and there but no relationships."
"Okay."
"This one time, this guy went on and on about how he is so good in bed so I decided to give him a shot. It was the longest I had a sexual relationship with somebody."
"For?"
"For some three months. But I had a deal with him that he was not supposed to fuck any other woman except for me. And he was like, 'So, how is this not a relationship?' I was confused but yeah, i did not want to be just another woman he fucks around with. The moment he decides to get over with this or wants to fuck someone else, either of us, this 'thing' between us would be over. And that was that."
"Thats neat."
"Yeah. I did not want any strings attached."
"I guess I do too and that is why I made the decision that I did."
"I was also dealing with my break up."
"Yeah. And it always takes a random fuck to make things easier."
"That is what we all like to believe but trust me, it never works."
"What are you talking? I have been excited about that bit the most, post break up."
It was time for another 'Cheer's' with a burst of laughter at that moment.
"But really, it does not work."
"I know it doesn't. I am done with sex."
"Same here. Making out is fun but sex is...."
"It can be boring. Making out is the funner part."
"I realised this while having sex with this one guy. I just wanted to get over with it."
"Happens. Just so many times. You wait for your man to cum and just get done with it."
We light up another cigarettes.
"But are you looking for a relationship?"
"I do not mind having one, now. But I do not think I am a relationship person."
"Fuck! I think the same." We hi fived.
"The initial bit is fun..."
"The phone calls. The flirting. The mystery. But later it just gets..."
"Yeah. Why can't relationships last that way."
"Sigh. How I wish they did."
"Maybe I am not interested in a relationship at all."
"I for one am NOT."
We sat in silence, thinking about what we just spoke.
"I think its hitting me. You?"
"Not yet."

And then from nowhere,
"Do you want to get married?" It really had hit her.
"My parents really want me to."
"Do you?"
"Not for the next 10 years, I guess."
"No wonder they want you getting married."
"Well, according to my dad, at 25 you should have kids."
"Biologically yeah."
"Yeah. But that is not my plan."
"You do not want kids?"
"I do. But only when I am done slogging my ass off and have worked enough as per my satisfaction."
"Why is that?"
"Because I want to be a full time mother whenever that maybe."
"I have a feeling you will make a good mother."
"If only I am able to give them what I have planned. I would like to give every second of my life to my kids and see them growing every minute in front of my eyes and not some nanny's."
"You want to give up your career completely later?"
"Well, maybe not completely, but to a great extent, yes. This is something that i can think of because this is what I have seen. I have had my mother 24/7 with me. Why would I not want to be with my children all the time? I consider mothering a full time job which needs to be given justice."
"Wow."
":)"
"But you do not have to marry to have a kid?"
"Yeah. I don't but I would like to. I would like having a partner with whom I can grow too. It is not going to be the kid growing alone in the house, after all."
"Do you like somebody else?"
"Not at all."
"Do you wanna fuck somebody?"
"Well, I was just mentioning this to my best friend, like a Fuck Buddy, but on a serious note, I do not. Told you, done with the sex bit."
I have touched myself only once in the past 1 1/2 months since I last had sex with G in Goa.

His friend joined us. We rolled. We smoked. We got stoned. We hogged. We slept.

But WTF do we women really want? No sex? No relationships? Kids? Marriage? Work? Biological systems? Sociological systems? What exactly is it that we are looking for? Forget about men, Will a woman ever know the answer to this or are we always going to hang around fucking our heads or just compromise on life taking it as it comes?

Life is fucking complicated for a woman.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

YAWN!

The phone rang.

"Sorry."

"You know Nate's phone rang and so did mine. I knew it. We are connected. Maybe I should marry him."
"Mate?"
"Nate!"
"What are you saying?"
"I am talking of Nate. Nate from Six Feet Under!"
"Oh! Nate..!"
"Yes, I know my blocked nose and fucked up throat makes everything sound so differ ant."
"Yes. It does."
"What do you think? Should I marry Nate? I wish I could marry that cute gay too. Darn! Why did he have to be gay?"
"WHAT are you saying?"
"Yes! I have been dreaming of this cute gay guy for the past three days. I met him months back and when I spoke to this friend of mine some three days back, she told me he was asking for my number."
"L! I can not understand you."
"Oh! Come on! He is really cute. I just want him to turn heterosexual for me."
"I am not jealous L, if you think."
"Of course you are not. You are not that type."
Why are you not, G? :(
"Just let me know when you want to break up with me, so that i am mentally prepared."
"Oh! Don't you worry that I would."
"Hmmm."
"So.....?"
"So what?"
"So, how was your day?"
"My day..... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...."
YAWN!
"...And then there is this match tomorrow between XYZ and JKL..."
YAWN "Yes..."
"And you of course do not know what I am talking about."
"No. But then you are talking and that is nice."
"Yeah." Given up.
"So what are you wearing?"
"How does that matter?"
"No. It does not."
"Of course it does not."
"Yes. No matter how much you may like me pouncing on you, it does not matter."
"Not like you are in the mood."
"Yes I am not but you can answer me."
"Not all questions are meant to be answered."
"Okay. I shall go and sleep now."
"Did you practice this conversation?"
"No. I do not practice any of my conversations. Why?"
Because you always sound so mechanical.
"No. Just generally."
"Oh! So you wanted to sound all hep."
"What is so hep about this?"
"I do not know. Why are you talking like this?"
"No. Just asked. Anyway, so you must be tired. Go to sleep."
"Do not make it sound like it is my fault."
"Well I am not. I mean it. Go. Sleep."
"I have had a tiring day."
"I understand and that is why I am saying Go and Sleep."
"But you are making me feel guilty about wanting to sleep."
"No. I do not mean it that way. I am serious. Go. Sleep."
"What are you wearing?"
"I do not know."
"This is the lamest anybody can get. 'I do not know' is the stupidest answer to any question."
"Hmmm."
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night. Sleep Well."

Phew.

This was one of our longer conversations. Lately, by which I mean some three-four months, we have just been talking too little and for some strange reason, neither of us feel the need to talk more. Ages, since we had a conversation. A random one or even a serious one. I guess we are bored.

And that to be honest is O.K.A.Y. Every relationship hits a high point, a low point and a bore point. It is bound to come when you love someone so much and know just about everything. You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing. You know what facial expression is going to follow after that sentence, and even complete their verbal reactions to it. They become predictable. Hence, boring.

It is rather hard to love immensely and hold interest, both, at the same time. We humans are a little too restless to handle both. I for one, definitely am.

"I am really pissed off."
"Okay. Then listen to the latest news."
"What?"
"I think I want to break up with G."
"What? Why?"
"Because I am bored."
"How boring is that."
"What?"
"You want to break up with him because you are bored in your relationship?"
"Yes. I need something more exciting. Something that is happening. There is just nothing happening in our relationship. We wake up. Walk our ways to office. Maybe talk for a minute or two again in the evening, only to say 'lets talk later' and then 'Good Night' around 11-12. It is so fucking mechanical. It is so routined. And I hate it."
"At least have an exciting reason to break up. Cheat on him!"
"You know I can not do that."
"Because you love him."
"YES!"
"Then why do you want to break up?"
"Because I am bored."
"Well, then make up a story of cheating on him."
"Hah. Like that is going to work. He will never believe me. He KNOWS me."
"Come on. He has a cock. He will get jealous."
"Well, there you go. One of the biggest advantages of having a fat girlfriend is being free of insecurities."
"That is not true."
"I know my fucking boyfriend and he knows me too. And THAT is our fucking problem."
"Well.... At least have an exciting break up."
"Exciting like what? Go. See him. Fuck him. And then break up with him."
"Yeah. That sounds fun."
"Do you realize I am in love with this guy?"
"Then do not break up."
"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am bloody bored."
"And you guys do not even fight."
"Exactly."
"Lets go out this weekend."
"I am desperate. I need a vacation so bad."
"Lets seriously plan this tomorrow when we meet."
"Totally. I need to get away from allot of things."

Now, I know what a want. The reason why I burst into tears the other day in front of everyone without any reason or even an obvious emotional trigger, shocking the living daylights of all the people around me was clear. The reason why G has been lately scared of what I say, how I say it and what I exactly mean is clear. The reason why I want to break up is clear. The reason for my mood swings is clear.

I am plain unhappy with myself. I am not a mechanical person, but I am living a mechanical life. I am used to of doing what I want to. I am living the dream I always envisioned but did not see it as robotic, which is how it has become. I have no time for myself. For my expression. To stop. To feel. To realize. To feel free. To feel me.

I need some time off. I need a BREAK, sans the 'up'. And a good conversation with G. A random one. Not a practiced and planned one.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Con-NEcT-ed

It was time. It was past eleven. My play list was set. I had my Beer Mug in hand. The froth of my Cold Coffee looked tempting, as always. Only this midnight, it was going to be a Banana Shake and not the usual Cold Coffee.

G: whers ur cold coffee?
me: on a banana diet today
so only milk n banana for 2 days
G: r u like a diet conscious person?
me: noh.. i need to lose weight cos im genuinely over weight!
im not d 'oh my god... my weight!!!' kindda chic
G: u dnt look overweight
me: but i am.... :)
G: didnt gt ur last msg
me: but i am ovr weight.. :)
G: women think even 50 kgs is overweight
me: and im not evn close to it!!
:P
G: below or above?
me: i definitely dont look mal nourished do i??
G: no, bt u look 55, nt more than that, atleast from wat i can see
me: i love 'half' pictures :)
G: lol ok
me: :)
d secret remains... :)

*************************************************************************************

M: can i ask u something
something tells me
or i have a strong gut instinct
that u are quite tall
me: LOL.
You have funny instincts. :P
M: cos its true
and i totally love
tall fair girls
with long hair
hahahaa
:)
me: What if I have none of these attributes?
M: i still love u
:)
as my luscious
its who u are that matters
the amazing person inside person
the person inside u that attracted me
nt ur looks
u can be a waitress or the princess of london
yet u'll always be ma girl
me: It really sounds better in books.
M: no babes
trust a guy when he says this
me: 'trust a guy'
Ok.
And why so?
M: :)
cos u will always know when a guy says these things
u dont need to trust him
when he says
ur bful
or ur wonderful etc
it mite simply mean
u have big boobs and i wanna sleep with u
but
when he says
i dont care who u are
but i'll still love u
it means he really means it
and he cares abt u
so trust a guy when he says this
lol

*************************************************************************************

G and I chatted every night and in no time were the 'most beautiful people' in each others lives with he having seen my 'deceptive half picture' and me having my own idea of his height weight looks. But we knew we had something.

*************************************************************************************

After a continued long discussion on Internet relationships with M, a fellow Blogger.

M: wait
so where does all the " knowing him so well" go ?
rite
can u really tell
me: It takes a life and yet you will nvr knoe everything abou a prson
It is just about being comfortable, that is it.
M: exactly
absolutely
bang on target
being comfortable
being urself near him
u dont need to know him
if ur like that
u mite as well as teach him a few moves
to satisfy u physically or emotionally, if needed ;)
u wont feel hesitant
cos ur so much urself and comfortable with him
me: True but it depends on an individual how do they work on their relationships.
M: yea... :)

*************************************************************************************

Though G may have thought, 'Oh Fuck! She looks bloody overweight', when he first saw me. The point is WE are Con-NEcT-ed. And that is the something we have. And that is what works for us.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Petty Privacy!

Chatter: Yeah. Anyway R, I was saying...You and I will have to also part ways
me: Why?
And firstly, Why have you been referring to me as R since yesterday?
Chatter: Because when I am talking to you I feel that i am talking to her behind a different veil. You maybe a third person completely...but every time I talk to you, I feel as if she is nearby.
Forgetting someone you like, is not easy, and having you close won't help.
me: Alright.
Chatter: Thanks
me: Are you sure?
Chatter: Yes
me: Anything that makes you comfortable. :)
I am there whenever you want to talk.
I am always there as a friend, whenever you need. :)
Chatter: Thanks...take care
me: You too.
I will miss you.
Chatter: Now don't make me cry...go
:P
me: LOL.
I really liked talking to you.
Chatter: So did I
me: You were a good friend.
Anyway, things always do not go as we plan.
Whether it is your plan of spending an entire life with R.
Or me making great friends with you.
:)
Take Care.
Resource Humans well. ;)
All the Best.
Chatter: ha ha..sure :P
cya
me: Bye.
Chatter: Bye.

For the next ten days I resist not pinging my favorite Blogger Online Friend. The only one whom I hit it off immediately in the first few conversations. Conversations so free flowing, comfortable and random that the last time I felt this way chatting with somebody was when G and I had hit it off. But much to my delight, Chatter pinged me and the old days seemed to come back. We chatted the way we did. We never discussed his past love, R, for another one month.

Chatter: So I guess its goodbye then
me: I really do not know what to say.
Chatter: You don't have to...the choices we make...our actions speak a lot in themselves
Its ok
me: I guess you should know how weird it is to receive mails like the one you sent.
And to be brutally honest with you, This is not a fair way to treat me.
Anyway, to each to his own.
Chatter: mails?
me: I do not think I want to say much.
Yes.
The one you sent a few days back.
("This is the deal, I feel u r my 'R' parading around with a diff name...but I could be wrong also. If u r not the same person, and you really want me to be around, then please do reveal your real identity...

if you can't and i can appreciate your reasons please do remember me in good light

god bless")
Chatter: Have you imagined what it is like to have loved and lost
to have imagined ones life with someone
to have seen the possibility
and then seen the light go out
just because I am smiling does not mean I am okay.
I am just trying to preserve my sanity now.
me: I understand.
But does that give you the right to hurt people?
Chatter: But how did I hurt you?
I asked you if you felt I was friend enough to know your real identity
and you chose not to tell me about it.
me: This is not the first time you have said you do not want to talk because you think I maybe R.
It is irritating.
And hurtful to see people coming and talking to you whenever they want to and then face their mood swings.
Chatter: That i agree is my fault....for therein lies an assumption i made...that you were her and there was stuff you'd rather say to me as sealed lip than her
so for me it was talking to the same person
not different people
me: Whatever.
I know what you are talking.
But ... forget it.
I do not think I see any point in saying anything further.
Chatter: I agree the point was actually quite simple...am I a friend enough for you to tell your real identity...
and your answer
is no
has been no
and that is that
whatever points you raised are fair...but are not the real point
That one thing would have solved a whole lot more
No secrecy
No assumptions
me: The point is a friend is expected to respect your privacy, whatever level you want to hold.
In case it is difficult for you to respect who I am, I do not think there lies a point at all.
Chatter: I do...and till I didn't have a need of knowing that the two people were same or different
I didn't push that point
But now I need to
me: You can not force me to tell or do something. Can you?
And if you intend dong that, please answer, is that respectful?
Chatter: No but I can request and depending on what you choose to do, I have to make tough choices, you think i like losing friends? you are somebody i can talk to and connect to...I must be really pushed to my limits to have to do something like this...wouldn't I?
Now u tell me
What should I do?
Being a friend is also about taking responsibility for your friend's smile...
Is your privacy so earth shatteringly more important than my smile?
Hey gtg
Please think about what I said
I beg of u
I don't want to loose you
I've lost enough already.

It is not for the first time someone on my Sealed Lip I.D. has forced me to reveal my identity. It is not for the first time I have had 'friends' saying Bye because I am not 'real' enough.

Here, is a different world, probably living a different life too. A different set of 'real' friends. A completely different set of emotions. A completely different profile. Just because it is all so different from my physical reality, it does not become unreal. Why is it always so hard for people to accept people as they are? How do we manage to find some 'worthy secret' or curiosity to ruin relationships? What is the level of privacy that all relationships should have, after all? Is the strength of a relationship directly proportionate to the amount of 'secrecy' unlocked?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - To all my dear Bloggers, I have not been regular because of Mood Swings and Business. Will be visiting your Blogs soon. Often I visit your Blogs, read but do not find the time to comment properly. Please bare with me. :) Thank you all. Kisses.

I got another Award. Thank you Ki! :)

All Night Long

"What movie do you want to watch?"
"Some scary movie."
"K! I thought we grew up. Lights off. Alone at home. Scary movie. Is it still exciting?"
"Hell yes!"
Stare at her for 5 seconds and then spring up.
"Hell yeah, baby!"
Going through the three shelf DVD piles.
"Damn L! Your collection has not changed. We have been going through these movies forever. Khartoum. Lawrence of Arabia. Cleopatra. Argh. Scary!!"
"I want watch something like Chucky or Elm Street."
"Well, you do not have it."
"Fuck! I do not have scary movies, at all, ya."
"Lets watch Scream."
"Its not scary and you must have seen it."
"No."
"Everyone has seen Scream, K!"
"I know I am special. The usual never applies to me."
Her petite body lost in my T shirt does the 'usual' super star pose.

We settle on the floor, like old days.
Lots of pillows. Long. Soft. Hard. Heart shaped. All possible shapes and sizes.
A pack of Wills Navy Cut.
A cheap transparent green lighter.
A Mixer jug full to the brim with Costa Coffee-ish Cold Coffee.
A big bowl of Butter Pepper Popcorn, with extra butter.
Television Remote.
DVD Remote.
A.C. Remote.
And a sheet to cover us.

"Shit! It has Drew Barrymore."
"Yeah."
"Stupid woman! Not there! Shit... No... no..."
"K! If they do as we ask them too. There would be no scary movies."
And we spend the next 1.5 hours warning every single person running frantically trying to escape the killer. Guessing. Laughing. Fighting over the temperature of the A.C. Having Pop Corn and gulping the Coffee, which was worst than we thought it would be.

"He was the killer."
"I thought so too."
"L! You have seen the movie."
"Yeah! But you know I have terrible movie. I read the same book so many times not realizing I have read it earlier."
"Thank God for my good memory."
"Yeah right! It took you a decade to remember my right birthday."
"Oh! L..."
"Wow! Now what?"
"Behenchod The power had to go dating right now."
"Want some Chai?"
"Oh yes! That sounds great."

Sitting on the green granite with her legs folded, "L! You must have learnt how to cook now, na?"
"I knew how to make tea earlier as well, K."
"Yeah... Like you could make Tea, Maggie and that also you would not if I or Su were there."
"And jugs and jugs of Tang."
"Oh shit! Yeah!"
"You know, now those big tins of Tang are kept unused for months. It was so different some years back."
Picking our cups, we walk back towards the room.
"And only the two of us have remained with each other."
"Yeah."
"You know na, how I am, L? I would get lost and never stay in touch."
"Yes, but we have stuck around and will always do so."
"Cheers!"
"Cheers!"
Comfortable silences filling the room as we sip Tulsi tea.

"Okay! Never have I ever.... Kissed a girl."
"Never!"
"You are a Loser, L!"
"Yeah right, Lucky Bitch!"
"Your turn."
"Never have I ever worn bright colorful panties under light colored clothes to show them off."
She sipped her tea.
"We do not answer. We just sip our tea if we have."
"Damn! That way my tea will never get over."
"Ok. Never have I ever.... Wanted to have sex in public."
"Wanted? Yes."
She sipped.
"What the Fuck? Where?"
"Outside my ex's school after we went visiting it... And I have made out with this guy in my brother's girlfriend's balcony. And made out here.... there..."
The list was pretty long.
"Oh! Made out! Yeah, G and I made outside your ex's house. In his lift."
"Whoa! WTF!"
"Well, you guys were taking too long to come back home."
"L!"
"Yeah K!"
We laugh for the next five minutes rolling on the floor.
"OK. OK. Never have I ever..."
"Its my turn, K."
She offered me a cigarette.
"You know. I left, K."
"When did you start regularly?"
"Did. For some time. Now off it, completely."
"One for friendship? We have not fagged together in ages."
And she starts lighting for me after I shrugged in agreement.
"No! This time I will light for the two of us. You have always done it in the past."
"Okay."
As the first puff covers our face with smoke, I continue the game, "Never have I ever wanted to do another man in the presence of my boyfriend."
She sipped again.
"I told you my tea will never get over!"
"Never have I ever.... ever... uuummm.... ever.... done a stranger."
She sipped AGAIN!
"WTF!"
"I was stoned so we made out. And once I slept with this girl's boyfriend, who were from my college. She hates me!"
"D'uh K!"
"Fuck! I am sure something like this will happen to me as well. What goes around comes around!"
"Why? Why will this come back to you?"
"I have hurt her."
"Yeah right! Like her boyfriend hurting her was not enough."
"LOL."
"OKAY! Never have I ever...looked in a man's eyes while fantasizing about him."
And this time we both sipped. Fuck! The tea was cold now!
"Never have I ever tried anal."
We sipped.
"Have not we all?", I asked.
"What is with men and anal sex?"
"Yeah! Like the vagina is not enough."
"Did you like it?"
"To be very honest. I did not know where it was!"
"You too? Hah!"
Hi Five! And the thunderous clap brought back the Power.

"Oh! Good."
And we finished the trilogy by 6:30 a.m., guessing, laughing, screaming.

"Now, I am going to my Gym."
"Are you crazy? You will sleep on the Treadmill."
"I have not gone in like a week."
"No. Do not. Your body has not gotten rest."
"But I am fresh."
K walked towards the mirror.
"Come lets do some make up."
"Why are you like my sister?"
"Oh my God! Your sister also likes to do all of this?"
"Yeah! She too makes plans like you do about mid night make up sessions."
"Oh yeah L, remember, we decided we will do nice make up this time. Not like our first night stay when I did nice pink make up for you and you went and applied something green on your eyes."
"I was wearing green!", I cry defensively.
"If you are wearing orange baby, you do not apply orange all over your face and become all Orange."
"Oh! Lets go for a walk."
"Not when I only have my Peep Toes."
"Okay. Anyway, its been long since I slept in the morning."
And I crawl inside the bed sheet.
"No L! Make up!"
"At 7 in the morning? Are you okay?"
"Come on L! You know I have never let you sleep when we are together."
"Oh yes! Ain't no sunshine when he's gone..."
"Fuck! I kept you awake just because I wanted you to hear me sing this continuously for my crush then."
"And then you slept singing while I was still up!"
"Oh L!"
And she jumped onto the bed.
"We are travelling together this weekend. Its going to be fun."
"We have travelled earlier as well."
"Yeah! We will go shopping in the evening."
"Superb."
"Gosh! I want to have sex with G."
"You are so Monika, L."
"No! I am not even close to being a cleanliness freak."
"You are the one with a stable relationship. And I keep flipping like, Jennifer Aniston."
"No. I am Joey."
"I am always flipping."
"I want G."
"Fuck!"

I guess we had started Sleep Talking. We slept in no time.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

P.S. - It is only when I am terrible or ecstatic that I vanish. This time it was both. Please forgive me for not visiting your Blogs, will do so slowly and catch up. :)

Also, while I was absconding, my generous beautiful Blogger friend, The Pink Orchid, who on completing 100 posts did a complete Award Ceremony to honor her readers, bestowed upon me The Blogger Dudette Award and the This Blog is Hot Certification. Thanks allot Pink.

A Big Thank you to my dear Don't Be a Slut Blogger Friend, who handed over The Kreativ Blogger Award. It feels great when Awards come your way from your favorite Bloggers. Thank you Girls! You two made my day! Big Hug and Kisses.

Time to Face it!

"I wonder how would a Hindi man ask you 'What are you wearing?'"
"What do you mean by a Hindi man?"
"A man who speaks Hindi."
"Simple G! 'Tum kya pehney ho?'"
"That sounds hot. Now answer it."
"Nothing."
"How come?"
"Just got out of a shower."
"What is you weight?"
"Hello?"
"What is your weight, now?"
"Hello? I can not hear you G!"
"Alright. If you can not hear me then we will talk later."
"No. No. I can hear you, now."
"What is your weight?"
"I can not hear you again."
"You will lose your weight by my next birthday?"
"I guess."
"This birthday I gave you a good 11 months to lose but you did not."
"9!"
"10!"
"No 9!"
"10 1/2"
"No! 9!"
"L, it is 10 1/2, if not 11."
"Alright. Fine. I will lose."
"I can not trust you, ya."
"O.K."
"Please be trustworthy, no!

You there?"
"Yes."
"Why are you sounding down and out while I am being such a choot?"
"No. I am fine."
"Come here. Sit on my lap."
"No. You will die."
"Yes. But let us take a chance."
"No. No."
"Alright. I'll get on top of you?"
"Yeah. I won't die. You do not weigh too much."
"Why are you getting all serious?"
"I am absolutely fine, G. I am not serious."
"Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree
Sorry.
Saaree................................................................Sorry."
"You do not have to apologize, G. I am good."
"Now say Saaree Sorry, 20 times."
"Why?"
"Just say it. It is allot of fun."
"No. It is not."
"Come on. I listen to allot of your silly stories. Now it is my turn."
"O.K.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Sorry."
"Caught you. You said 'Sorry Sorry'."
"No. I did not."
"Yes you did. I won. Now give me 100 bucks."
"Yeah right."
"Now see, if I say this four times straight without a mistake, you will have to give me 400 bucks."
"Hmmm."
"Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Now give me 400 bucks."
"Yeah right!"

We may have continued to do our silly stuff but that one word lingered. I was down and out. I was hurt. Not because of what he said but because he too said it.

I have all my life had a problem trusting people. Why? I just find it difficult. Today, I realized it was because I was not too sure of my own self. I am afraid of forming too many relationships. I feel they have the ability to hurt and ruin you. I feel 'What if I betray or are betrayed unconsciously?' I have always taken my own sweet time in forming the whatever few relationships I have. By that, I mean, the ones I believe in. The ones I know I will carry with me for life, happily, willingly and desperately. By that, I mean Mom, Dad, Sister, K, Aj and G. OF which three have directly shown difficulty in trusting me and three, indirectly.

Trust, for me, like most or rather all, has been a huge issue. By God's grace, I am blessed with people in my life who have treasured my trust in them. Unfortunately, I have not. In small ways or big. Consciously or Unconsciously. One time or more. Their trust in me has come into question. My father has hardly spent any time with me yet is sure he can not trust me, for reasons I am yet to figure out. My sister would love to trust me blindly but also knows I am highly unpredictable. My mother, I feel, sometimes fights with herself to trust me. Probably the only reason why I have survived so far is because of her belief in me, whether it is a self fought and won battle for her or a natural mother-child relation. She has been my pillar yet I can not forgive myself for breaking her trust when I have lied to her for all things, small or big. I have broken K's trust in me, unknowingly but she forgave. Aj's trust, knowingly, assuming it won't make a difference to him. And he pretended as if it did not.

Today G just brought back all that I had ignored all my life. He simply assured me of a flaw I had been hiding under layers of Self assumptions and Ignorance. I have had this issue trouble me but I have pushed it in my closet like a piece of unwanted cloth. G may have joked about being non trustworthy, but it was true. No matter how small or big the matter in question maybe, trustworthiness is highly sensitive. It is neither easy to earn nor maintain.

My heart aches. It is not easy to gulp a piece of truth that has scared you all your life. I feared having trusting issues, not realizing I was trapped in many of those, already. It is like a thick leather whip hitting your naked ass in a crowded arena. That is how bad it hurts. That is how hard the truth is.

Lets face it, 'I HAVE BEEN UNTRUSTWORTHY'! I have been told that too many times, directly and indirectly. Its time, I accept it. It may take all my strength to take it in, but it better be done now. The amendments should be made now. (But I thank God, for giving me such trustworthy people in my life, despite my own known or unknown distrusting times.)

(I am sorry. For the first time, I am wallowing in self pity and do not feel worthy of spreading Love, Peace, Hugs or Kisses.)

Thanks!

Conversations to Contraceptives

"My guy went bald."
Laughing my ass off on her pitiable situation, "WTF! Why?"
"Because he wanted to."
"And he is not even the kinds who would look hot with no hair. Fuck!"
Came a sad "Yes" to that.
Filling the silence with a loud laugh, I can sense her anger.
"I am ditching him very soon."
I stop, instantly.
"Fuck! Why?"
"Because I have many reasons to... I can not have a decent conversation with him. He is not even great in bed. Well, he is not bad, but he isn't great either. My ex was."
"Are you serious?"
"Very. My best friend-cum-back-up boyfriend is coming next month. I will have fun with him."
"Yeah. Lets plan a trip."
"He is coming in the last week."
Adding to the bitchiness, "Your birthday is around the same time. Break up with your guy after that and we shall leave immediately for the trip. At least when he tries tirelessly to get you back, you will be far far away."
"That makes sense. He is such a baby. Wants to be pampered all the time and OH MY GOD! He is going to cry SO MUCH!"
"Exactly."
"And of course, he will call all his friends and bitch about me."
"Is that not obvious, considering it is HIM."
We laugh.
"Why were you dating him in the first place?"
"Have you heard this from anyone else L that when you break up you immediately want to get into another relationship to feel good. That is exactly what I did. Without even thinking twice, I just went ahead with it."
"I know I know."
We both contemplate in silence for a moment.
"L?"
"Hmm?"
"When will I find MY guy? Someone who is perfect."
"Soon baby."
"What soon. I am kissing every frog that is coming my way yet nowhere close."
"We all learn from our mistakes."
"My ex was better than him, L. I seem to be making more mistakes than before."
"Hhhmmm. Now, be careful. You should only get better with men, not lower your standards."
"Exactly."
"So keep kissing, one of them will turn into YOUR Prince."
"That makes me feel good."
We smile.
And she jumps, "You know something?"
"What?"
"My guy is such an ass. He ate Viagra the last time we went on our short vacation."
Now, this one was really crazy.
"Why?"
"Because he wanted to TRY."
"TRY VIAGRA?"
Obviously I felt the reason for him to be 'not great' in bed was apparently THIS. Fuck! He is young. Why on earth should he need a Viagra? LOSER!
Feeling terribly bad and good for her(Bad because he needed it and Good because hopefully this might satisfy),I collect myself and say a long, "O. K."
"He took it the night we were traveling. And if you do not have sex after taking it, you end up getting high fever."
This is just getting better.
"This one time when you guys could have had 'Great Sex'. He did this. Why did he not take it earlier even if he just wanted to TRY."
"I have no idea. And you know it lasts you for half an hour."
I just sank in sympathy for her.
"Its alright baby."
"Yeah. He is cute anyway."
Sympathetically I agree.
I could not stop thanking God for G. I could not stop being proud of him either.
"So, Hows G?"
She caught my thought.
"He is 'great'."
"Good."
She comes back to her complaining in no time.
"You know, we have nothing in common. No proper conversations. Nothing."
"What do you talk over the phone when you do?"
"Well, I do the talking."
"What do you talk?"
"I talk. Here and There."
"And that is?"
" I say I Love you."
LOL.
"All night long?"
"Almost."
"I am glad G and I can have decent conversations whether we have something common in us or not."
"That is really nice."
"And important too. I can not tolerate an unintelligent man."
"AAAaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh...."
"I AM BREAKING UP WITH MY GUY! Not even waiting until my birthday."
"The Gifts?"
"Oh yes! I will take the gifts and then ditch him. It is like Love for him is giving allot of expensive gifts to your Girlfriend."
"Love for G is...."
I shut up because I know he is a sensible guy and one more snooty sentence to show how 'great' my guy would make her scream louder, so I change the topic completely.
"You know, the month is coming to an end and I have not had my periods yet. I am freaking out."
"Why? You guys did not use condoms?"
"Both. Condoms and Pills. I leave no room for that 1% too."
"Then. Stop freaking out. It must have just got delayed."
"I know. It has happened earlier too yet..."
"Its alright."
We have interchanged roles of "Its alright" and "Its not". This continues for a good 10 minutes.
"But I had it around the same time that I was suppose to have my periods. And you know chances of fertility are the highest at that time. And if he is overly potent even one drop could do wonders."
Considering he rammed me for half an hour straight and we came thrice. Anything could be possible. His condom was loaded. What if it tore? What if there was a hole? We are such a horny couple that a meeting that was suppose to last just a few hours over coffee and food ended up in wasting an hour looking for a room to fuck and finally taking the risk of time and landing up in his own bed.
"You took the pill, right?"
"Yes. I did. Yet. What if?"
"If you are so perturbed. We will get the pregnancy test tomorrow and check it. Okay?"
"Yeah. I have the same in mind."
"Good. Now lets get back to work."
And we hang up.

Now, something that was just a passing thought became a strong fear. Thanks to her guy. If he was not that big a loser and my friend was not so irritated with him. She would not have endlessly listed out his faults and I would have not been coaxed into changing the topic to something that was just a passing thought. (Most women think they are pregnant if they miss their period by more than two days. I was no exception.)

I call G endlessly. He is busy. FUCK! The fear just growing.
What if I am?
But I have had sex just twice in the past six months. Should not be possible.
But I had sex in February, i.e., a month and a half back. Then I had it last week, which was a crucial week. So, I COULD BE Pregnant.
Fuck! I also remember seeing a drop cum(his or mine?) near my vagina.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
OK.
Relax.
Even if I am. I can get aborted easily. No issues with that at least.
But how sad and ironical is this. There, my sister is trying to have a baby for the past 7 years and here I am thinking of getting rid of one.
What if someone sees me visiting the Doc. for an abortion?
What if I am Virgin Mary and have got pregnant despite the I-Pill and Durex?
What if ... What if... What if...?
So many situational thoughts were making me mad.
Call G again.

"I have not got my periods yet."
"You will get them."
"What if I am pregnant?"
"You can not be. We took a two level protection."
"Yes. But still."
"L, I trust the brands we use."
"Yeah. What if?"
"You are not pregnant L."
"No G. Yet... What if I am... We had sex when I must have been ovulating."
"Fuck. It was that period when we had sex?"
"YES!"
"OK. Don't worry. I can still doubt the condom for a while but not the pill. So relax. Wait for a few days."
"I think I will take a Pregnancy Test."
"Yes. Do that."
"OK. Bye."
And I leave immediately to get one.

When I come back. I felt like Juno. I drank liters and liters of all possible liquids to pee. And I peed but the fucking sample dropper's hole was so thin that despite all the peeing I did not have a drop in the dropper. I pee again. Not enough for the dropper to take.

I was getting desperate by the minute to test and unfold the self created mystery. I pray to God hard. Almost promising 'No Sex', then I change my mind and make corrections in my prayers. I give up on trying to pee sitting on the pot for half an hour. Not knowing when I will pee next I call G again, cranky, "I am not able to pee."
"You think calling me will help?"
"No. But still. I want to pee."
He laughed.
O.K. I agree it was funny. Hearing your girlfriend who desperately wants to pee but is not able to. We have heard of constipation. What was this? OK. Sorry, I had peed but was not able to collect. Yet, what if someone wants to pee and is not able to. What is that called?

I drank and drank. And finally it came when I was least concentrating. Maybe my concentration was disturbing my pee. It was shying away. (What am I talking?) Thankfully I saw a bottle before I enter my washroom and get a bright idea. NO MORE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS PEE! I take the bottle cap and collect it in that. Finally I took the test! After a minute or two, I saw one line coming. I look at it closely. It was getting dark slowly. I start imagining another line appearing too. Guess, it was just the fear. I stare at it till JUST ONE LINE BECAME BRIGHT RED and assured me that it was NEGATIVE. Phew!

I am now waiting for that asshole of a period to come. Second Possibility - DIET! I need to check my diet too. Fuck! Does that mean I am not eating right?

Being a woman is not easy, my love.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.