Friday, April 24, 2009

Learn those Moves

I am up earlier than usual. Free time is always used for Blogging and I start up my system only to feel moist between my legs. His face on my desktop turned me on instantly with past flashes of our sweating sex. If only we were together I would have been on top of him riding for the perfect start of the day. But then, 'If' is merely a convenient word to make you feel the way you want to.

I move on to do what I had in mind. Read Blogs and maybe hunt some new ones too. The easiest way to do so is from the Comments Box. So, after I am done commenting on one of my Followed Blogs I notice a rather interesting comment. I hate advertisers invading Comment pages. So, now you know why the Comment moderation on my Blog. Mr. Commentator was a Writer of some 'Guide for the Good girls' kind of a 'Self Help' Book. Out of curiosity and expectation I visit his page imagining a page loaded with advertisements on both sides of his Blog posts. Blog posts which would be about Women, Men, his Books, Readers. Heated comments. Sweet comments. Thankful comments. Sorry comments. Only to discover a simple, no advertisement, no Blog page. All his page advertised was his own book and offered a CRASH COURSE for Dirty Divas. LMAO. I am extremely sorry but sounds like some extremely cheap low budget Porn Flick. And if it is an Indian one, then it would be 'Daartee Deevaah!' or maybe 'Devi gone Dirty'. Alright. Sleeplessness taking its toll. The page advertised how a woman does not know how to talk dirty. Get your free guide NOW! All that was needed to get the guide to 101 ways of becoming a bad girl from good, was your e-mail. Subscribe and bombard your Inbox with mails helping you become the new seductress and give your man that instant hard on.

I almost fell for it. Thankfully, I snapped back to senses within seconds. Why the fuck should I learn from you Mr. Unsatisfied how to talk to my man? Why should any woman pick up your book? Probably your woman was 'good' and did not know how to verbally stimulate you does not mean other women do not know it either.

I have forever been against Self Help books. Success. Money. Love. Sex. Relationships. Friendship. How to Train your Servant. 1000 Ways to steal your Friend's Husband away. Your guide to get rid off those Stalkers. There seems to be a Best seller User Manual available for everything. Do we need to be taught emotions now? Such books claim to teach and help you do something you already know. They just make you believe you do not know and that you are one incapable lazy ass! I have never understood HOW can you teach something like Dirty Talking to anyone? If you really want to get dirty verbally, our sexually active hormones help us. Always. They make you say the 'right' things, naturally. You will not have to flip the pages of a book to check what should you say next.

Sometimes, great dirty talking is an art. You have it or you do not. It can not be taught. And most importantly, the want to talk dirty has to come naturally, you can not just open the book and flaunt your newly learnt talent. It takes away all the fun from it. You have to be in a naughty mood. Not necessarily, sexual.

Apart from all the sex talk, dirty talking is also poop talk. His guide for the 'good' girls should probably teach women to talk comfortably about poop too. What is so 'Eeeoow' about Shit? Why can a woman not sit and enjoy a stupid detailed conversation about some body's 'lose' health? But walk out calling it gross. Probably he would not talk about Poop Talk in his book because he thinks women generally do not like talking about it. Or maybe they do not want to learn something they already know but chose not to indulge in. Just like sex talk.

I remember how S let out her bedroom secret and suggested P to talk dirty in bed. P was a clueless virgin who looked blank, "How do you do that?" We did not have an answer to her question. Simply because you will talk that way
a) If you want to.
b) If you are in the 'mood'. (Naughty. Sexual. Tease. They all qualify for 'in the mood'.)

No one can teach you to be sexy. YOU ARE SEXY. When you are with the man or woman you want to use all your moves on. You do. A fucking Book can not tell you when should you get on top of a man, bite his ear and say 'Make me crazy. Make me moan.' All, that book does is stare at you in the face and remind you of what an Incapable Lazy Ass you are. Self Help books mock you. Your potential. Your abilities. It goes not just for sex, but success too. Move that ass and you will have whatever you want. Wasting time to read HOW to be successful will only make you lose time.

Phew. Self Help Books make me crazy! Make me moan! out of rage.

Love 'n' Peace.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Long Night

"For what?"
"For not talking to you today.
For not talking to you yesterday.
For not talking to you the day before yesterday.
For not talking to you for the past 10 days.
For not talking to you for the past so many years."
I had to smile. It was cute. Talk about women getting easily flattered!
The cold voice continued, "It is okay."
"No! Say more. I want you to take out all your anger. Scream. Shout. Punch. Slap me."
"No. It is OK." without a change in the tone.
"What are you doing?"
"Are you going to sleep?"
"Yes. Maybe. Do not know."
"I am going out for dinner with my friend. I will call you back?"
"No. Let it be. We will talk tomorrow."
"Going to sleep? If not, then I will call you back."
"Fine. Then I will call you back. Bye Babe."
I hang up.
If he calls women 'manipulative', well, I can not defend myself, at least.

40 minutes later. Coldness does wonders. Gives you all the attention you have not got in a long time. ;)
"Still mad?"
"Then take it out, no!"
"Because I do not want to."
"Okay. Tell me, What is the worst question that I can ask you at this moment?"
"I do not know."
"Come on! Tell me."
"Asking me to forget it and let go off it?"
"Not a statement. A Question."
"Is my work done?"
"No. Something I ask more often. A question that is my favorite."
"What are you wearing?"
Strange, how he is deciding which of his questions is going to make me more mad at him. Huh. Of course him ignoring my anger and asking about my 'job' would make me angrier than him wanting to know what I am wearing! That actually makes me go pink from red than redder. (I guess he knew that! Huh. And he says 'Women are manipulative!')
"Yes! So, now that you have asked that yourself, answer it too."
"I have put the question. You answer it."
"What are you wearing?"
"I am not answering it. I am still angry."
"Right now, you almost forgot that you are angry."
"No. I did not! In fact, I do not even think we would be having this conversation if I did not let you know I am angry through my articulation. You would have instead, very conveniently called and said, 'L, I am so tired today. We will talk tomorrow.'"
"You know what? I actually came out to give company to my friends for dinner where I did not even eat because I had already had my dinner, just so that I could stay out and talk to you peacefully..... L, Lets talk tomorrow."
Okay! I, once again have said more than I should have.
After a good two minute silence.
"Say it again."
"Say it 15 more times. I apologized 17 times to you."
"Get Lost! I am not saying it one more time. My mistake is not bigger than yours."
"You have hurt me, Bitch. Apologize!"
"Alright. 10 more times. I am giving you a discount."
"I have said 'Sorry' twice. Want it? Take it else lose those two also."
"Alright. Five more and answer 'What are you wearing?'"
"Too much. Not answering."
"Final on 3 and answer."
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"
"What are you wearing?"
"Do you really expect me to be all dressed up at 1:00 a.m.? I am in my Night clothes."
"Nice. You should have been here."
"For what? To have you watch your sports every weekend and spend no time with me?"
"Come on L! If you are with any other normal guy, you will face the same problem. So no point dumping me for this reason. Also, with no other guy can you have a conversation like you do with me."
"You know this American student got raped?"
"Yes by her own friends."
Changing the topic when your girlfriend is not saying more than a word is the best move.
"Men are such bastards. Isn't it?"
"It is not just that. But sadly, it is the Indian male mentality which thinks it is easier to get a lay from a Foreigner. And when you do not get it, in a drunken state, you rape her. It is not the first case."
"All the bad that happens in this world is because of men."
Even better if you blame yourself or the entire male species for something. Invisible Brownie points!
"Exactly. You are so right, G."
"Men should be eradicated!"
"Completely! A Woman gets upset because of a Man. A Woman abuses another Woman out of jealousy and insecurity because of a Man. A Woman abuses the Man because of how he is. A Woman feels sad and disrespected because of a Man. Men are such a curse."
"There should be a button and all men should vanish."
"Totally. The world will become so clean, tidy, civilized and full of love."
"Men are clean."
"Please! They keep their plates where they eat. They also do not make the efforts of throwing the left over apple after eating it. They..."
"I am just waiting for the day when we will not need men to produce babies."
"That is the only positive thing that men do. Produce babies."
"And there too they are so careless that God can not trust them with the responsibility of bearing a child."
"There should be a button in women, which when pressed would produce babies."
The conversation slowly sinking in! FUCK! A World full of only women?
"G, it will be a world full of dildos!"
"Well, you can keep some of them? Like your Boyfriends and Fathers?"
"Fathers, of course. It is so nice to have a father.... No Wait! Keeping your father would mean getting into the same cycle. You will have to get a father for your babies too. Damn. No. No men at all."
After the conversation entirely sank it. I took the right side. The No Men Land side.
"Gone. All men are already gone, L. I think I am the only one left because I am still having this conversation with you."
"Remember, when you go you will have no sports."
"Why not? I will be like a Spirit who can get and do whatever he wants to."
He was now seeing the positive side of it. Sports comes before sex!
"No G. You all will be completely non existent. Like, not there. Not even as spirits."
"Of course we will be."
"G, even if you are, there will be no Sports."
"Because there will be no men."
Phew. This conversation felt good. I won.

"You know I Love you, right?"
"I Love you too."
"You are the best man in this world. And I am not leaving you."
"Yeah. Who else will tell you to eradicate men?"
"How is the night there?"
"Breezy. Nice. Calm."
It was the perfect night for me. I just wanted to sleep in his arms having this conversation.
"I have to wake up early tomorrow."
"You must go to sleep."
"No. It is okay."
It was peaceful. It was our comfortable silence, in which I wanted to sleep.
"What is it tomorrow?"
"A Family thing and then the rest of the day will be occupied with allot of office work too."
"You can catch up on your sleep in the afternoon as well, right?"
"No. The schedule is slightly tight."
"Oh! Go. Go. Go to sleep."
"Okay. Bye Babe."
"Oh! You know what?"
Yes, women seem to find the most interesting and exciting things to share at the end of a conversation. Now, you know how two women can talk at length despite 1000 Byes.
"I saw this dream where I am sleeping. The room filled with the sound of Elton John and you reading a book to me over my head."
"Was it a Porn Book?"
"No! It was a Fairy Tale, I guess."
"If I am reading a book to you. It would be a Porn Book and my hand would be under your skirt. I would feel your breasts while reading. And put you to sleep after we are tired doing each other."
"No!", by now I was smiling in my half sleep. No! His descriptions were not boring. I was damn sleepy. It was almost 3 a.m., now.
"That is what we would do, L."
"No! My dream had a Cinderella, I think."
"Okay. Let us go to sleep now."
Men know when to end a conversation. Prolonging this would mean another one hour of Fairytale v/s Porn with no conclusions and no phone sex too.
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night Babe."
"I Love you."
"I Love you too."
"Big hug!"
"Big kiss."

"Keep the phone!"
"Mhhmm. Give me a hug, first."
"Big hug."
"Hhmmmm", comfortably tucked.
"Bye baby."

And I slept with his voice wrapping my relaxed body and calm senses.

Love 'n' Peace.


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easier to find Love or Friends?

"What will you have?"
"A Sex on the Beach."
"There is too much sex on your mind, L."

Just about a week back.
"Come on L, tell me what is happening?"
"Nothing whatsoever, Aj. You really can not expect me to make up new things every minute in this long a conversation, right?"
"I am sure you have got something to say. It has been ages since you really told me something interesting."
"Aj! Our school days are long gone when I brought all the School gossip to you."
"Well, now my little friend has a boyfriend so tell me about him if not those stupid couples in school we gossiped about."
"Fuck you! You are comparing my relationship to that of those rat like school couples."
"LOL. No. But... Ah! Just tell me something. I really feel like having a nice long conversation. We have not had one in a long time. Specially since my break up. ;)"
"Hah. You were in that school relationship for so long. What the Fuck were you thinking? I almost thought you'd be role models for kids in school. They would look at the two of you and say, 'See, they were School sweethearts and now they are (un)happily married.' Fuck! You actually tolerated that woman for so many years. And of course, I have to congratulate her on the same too. I am so glad the two of you broke up."
"Ah! Forget it."
We smile. We talk random. Do the usual "We must have something to talk about. Tell-me-you-tell-me."
"Okay listen Aj."
"I have to really really tell you something."
"Now we are talking."
"Who is it about?"
"I have been wanting to tell you this since a long time, but just did not know how to break it to you."
"Oh! I don't believe you! Just tell me."
"I am not a virgin."
"Cool. That is nice."
"WHAT!? You... you do not have anything else to say? You do not want to call me a Slut? A Whore? or react in any other manner than just a 'Nice'?
"Come on L, Our ciggie days are long gone."

I still remember this clearly. I took the first drag of a Marlboro Light for the first time in my life in school, at a party. While discussing the party on our usual midnight phone conversation, I had told him about my little adventure like a scared guilty kid. What followed was a series of 'I did not expect you to do this! I thought you were a decent girl. I thought you were not one of those chicks, who find it so cool to smoke. I thought this and that and this and that. (IT WAS JUST A DRAG) I spent a night crying, apologizing. Feeling guilty for what I originally was not until I got to hear ALL that from him. It was our first fight. It was cute and silly, just as it should have been. He spent the rest of the night consoling, acting cute, cracking some really bad jokes and making promises to make me feel good with chocolates (which of course I never got).

From that silly fight to getting drunk together, yes, we have come a really long way together. From a Chauvinist to a Gentleman, I have seen him grow only for good. From fat to fatter, he has only see me grow, wider. ;)

It was the perfect Saturday afternoon with him. Every day spent with him is a perfect one. Be it an argument over governments that may culminate in a life threatening pillow fight or a lazy afternoon lying on each other taking alternate sips of Rum discussing the cons of being in a relationship. It has always been perfect. And like the 'ciggie' day, all my days with him are as fresh in the mind as the Lunch today.

While dropping me back home.
"By the way, who was on top of whom?"
"I am not giving you bedroom details, Aj."
"If you were on top of him, then I doubt his existence on this planet."
"Fuck you! You are the world's biggest asshole."
"I am just being honest."
"I am damn good in bed. So of course there are high possibilities of him getting breathless."
"Is he alive? is what I am asking. You just maybe assuming his near death experience to you being good in bed."
"He is very much alive."
"Thank god."
"You know what? I really hate you. You are the meanest friend."
"Because you deserve a Merc and I do not?"
"Yes. So when you buy one, rich boy! Gift it to me."
"Yes, I will."

No matter how old we grow, I think we can never stop fighting like the silly school goers. That is how we have always been. And that is how it will always be.

We reached my place.
"Lose weight, otherwise G wont be alive for too long."

Little does he know that not just my memories of us our sweeter, my old fantasies of a surprising unplanned kiss were more tantalizing too.

It is always easier to fall in love, but almost impossible to get out of it. And I do not think I want to either.

Love 'n' Peace.


Thursday, April 9, 2009

On a Clueless Trip

I can not write when I have nothing to write or a neat thought to express. But, I want to write, what? I am sure I do not know. Deleting three old and two new drafts is proof enough.

Though, I still have a little Thought of the day to share, "A day spent with a good Book is always secretly preferred over watching Casablance with your Lover on a couch, wearing Pajamas."

It came after I carelessly spent an entire night finishing One and a Half Books, along with the pleasures of a rejuvenating head massage. For once, I neither cared nor wanted G to call. It is so much better to be with yourself, specially if you have not had that time in ages. :)

NEWS Piece - Life or Something Like it, my beloved honest Blogger has awarded me the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you so much, Saher. :)

As per the rules of receiving this Award, I am suppose to pass it on, as well as state some honest points about myself. The former is easy but the latter seems damn tough, but I shall try.

1) Yes! I am a young woman. For all those who thought I could be a miraculous man, who can think so much from a Woman's point of view and dedicate a Monthly post to PMS, without fail.

2) I Love and respect my Anonymity. Expect the respect bit from others too. Stop getting overtly curios!

3) I am definitely not as you have imagined me to be like, whatever that maybe.

4) No matter how difficult I may find to talk about myself particularly or objectively, I am pretty much Self Obsessed.

5) I may not believe in the existence of God yet I call him my Friend.

Just 5 points down and I am convinced, Honesty is a virtue and an art. Not everyone knows HOW to be Honest. I for one, do not.

Coming to the Award Ceremony, "And the Award goes to Dipti and Don't Be a Slut, my two most favorite Blogs. I admire and am hooked to your Blogs because of the fearless honesty in them. Continue writing the way you do. May God Bless you with more Virtues and not limit your goodness to Honesty, alone. ;) Love you girls. Kisses."

Love 'n' Peace.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin

Blog Rating

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating


Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!