Thursday, June 26, 2014

Love Sick

It's been four years now to my break up with G and I have been single ever since. Of course, I went on some dates and explored more dicks. Also, fell in love and got my heart broken. And after all these years of madness, I had to put a conscious stop to it all. Where was it all taking me? Where did I want to go, anyway? Sometimes, I wanted the attention, sometimes the sex and sometimes I thought to myself, 'Maybe I need to lower my standards to get into a relationship' despite being fully aware of how I would not genuinely love the person even if I did.

In the last one year and a half, I have moved from one country to another and now a new one, rising up in my career yet not completely satisfied. Lets not miss the point where I have regrown my virginity by keeping my legs together for over two years. I will not say that the last few posts which were depressing as fuck and only asked questions no one ever has answers to are too, different from my current state yet I'd say I am a new person. Why same and why different? Same for questions still exist sometimes, different because, I am finally at peace.

As much as I may have dished out your advices on How badly I should move out of the place that was making me the way that it was, turns out you guys were fuckin' right about it mate! BUT foremost, it takes will to want to change things, sometimes you have to force yourself and work hard on it too. Nothing in life ever comes easy. Turning tables in your life definitely never does. 'Time to change the playlist, DJ!', thats what I said to myself and that's how I turned tables, no heads.

During my Rock n' Rolla life of Sex, Drugs and Alcohol, I sort of got used to a certain amount of attention. Mostly sexual, but so what? And here I was in a country, where I was happy not getting attention. I met a few boys, some decent, some intelligent and some self made rich young men too. And these were all men my parents directly or slyly introduced me to for TADAH! SURPRISE SURPRISE! Kill me! BUT to be a little fair, these men were nice. (Ahem! Maybe my parents have better taste than I do.) Why did nothing work out? Well, because I never allowed them to formally take it forward with the cliche 'I am not ready for marriage' excuse. It's only now I have begun to feel ready for a relationship (which is different from wanting to be married.) Not just ready but I genuinely would like to be in one now.

This is not a sign of desperation but being aware of yourself. Some are compulsive relationship freaks, some are Forever Alones and some are ready for it. I am ready for it. Which means I feel I can finally love and care back which was not the case before. Earlier what I wanted was, the attention. And that my friends, is a big difference in how your relationship is going to be. Of course, attention is important in a relationship but should never be your reason to get into a relationship. Disaster! Now, that maturity has taken over, I feel more confident about it. And no, another series of one night stands is not the answer. Not interested! Funny discovery of self in fact tells me I even suck at flirting. I realized a pattern where if a guy shows interest in me, I immediately curl into a shell. I become scared and rude which of course ends in him dating someone else then. I maybe confident in wanting to date and having overcome all that has happened in my past but despite gaining wisdom and peace with self, there are little tiny drops of insecurity which have not been wiped off. I am working on it but it's like a minor attack of paranoia hits me every time I see myself with a man. He is not interested in me. He just wants to fuck. He does not think I am pretty. He thinks I am a dumbfuck. He thinks I am showing too much interest. He thinks I am desperate. He is a flirt. He is like this with every girl. Oh no! This is just a friendly polite conversation. He has no option that's why me! And some more. So, while I am jogging through these various possibilities of how the man is not interested me, I have genuinely dished the man out even when I am consciously trying to flirt back. Clearly, I do not know how to flirt. I suck at it! And I definitely suck at taking things forward, instead I run away. Thanks to the above mentioned insecurities that I am still struggling with. Do you see how hard my life is now? God damn it! I struggle with flirting as well as getting rid of my insecurities, both at the same fucking time! And somewhere in the middle of it, I am trying to have a conversation with this guy too. Applaud for my terrible multi tasking skills please.

And to make matters worse, friends are ofcourse getting married, parents want you married, the unmarried ones are planning their marriages and those who are not planning their marriages are steady in their fucking relationships. Awesome! I have spent my prime years in fucking men I have no wish seeing again and then discovering my real self, my soul. Turns out, I am quite average (maybe even below average), contrary to the years of Diva image I had of myself in my head.Yet, I prefer the life I have lived than the average life that many have lived or are living. I am an average person for sure but not one with an average life. Do you ever see how everything leads to another? Have you ever seen the dominoes roll in your life? I sat and saw it all, and when you see it, you smile. Your peace is sitting in the middle of the thousands of dominoes falling on each other. The moment it pops out, you have attained a little bit of wisdom. And I would never trade anything ever for this poetic life of mine.

I am in one of my most happy phases. I have not just realized things about self but also about my relationships with friends and family. Who do you want to keep and who you do not? Even if it is your best friend for over a decade who has hurt you with her words and action and used you financially and harmed you emotionally, no amount of love and years of togetherness can justify it. Some relationships come with unbreakable rules. And you may for years defend it to yourself and others, the day you see that domino roll, you see some relationships falling with it. Yet, you sit there and smile. Relieved. Wiser. Happier. Peaceful.

You let some go. You let some stay. And you invite some new. I am hoping to find someone I can share a relationship, a friendship and love and care with. Not just my bed for a few hours, anymore. I am a sorted regrown virgin. Amen to this new self, I say!

Love n' Peace.




Aditya said...

All the very best. Just, write more often. :)

Baba Ram Ram Nath said...

Life is like a repeated act of eating chocolates. When you're unwrapping it you're excited. The first bite is awesome...couple if bites down you feel you've gorged too much, nearer the end you feel oh god its gonna finish and then u look at the wrapper. And then the next chocolate happens, ofcourse the gap between the two chocolates will determine how you feel about the next one.

You're not at peace, you're just somewhere in the middle of a chocolate bar. It will change...but till then might as well enjoy this portion :)

One thing i realized after a few relationships...the innocence goes...its almost impossible to have your heart flutter. I remember my heart fluttering, long long can never have the feeling of tasting the chocolate first time back again. and chocolate here is not case you were going in that direction, that feeling is easily replicated...but the fondness of an innocent heart...sigh! So I don't doubt you'll bump into guys again and maybe even if you're really lucky find a really good guy, but in all likelihood atleast a decent bloke, good in parts and dented in others. That's life...take it as it comes, no point rushing it, no point forcibly slowing it down. Enjoy the ride...and buy me some chocolate...

Crazy Blogger said...

WHat a wonderful thing is self discovery is. And know what? career is any day more rewarding than a man.And it's completely okay to chuck people out of your life. I also got rid of this woman who was my friend for five years. Could not keep taking crap for the sake of good time I had spent in the past.

Lady Whispers said...

Gosh did you just write my story....Sigh.
That regrown virgin I am who is quite insecure and yet am in a state where I am ready for a relationship but alas...and icing on cake is people getting married right left centre...and I want a man who doesn't just want to sleep with is happy in many other ways...but sucks in that department for now...

Hope you find peace soon and so good to read you again :)

genius786 said...

thanx for the share! written very well. Thumbs UP
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