Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A Stale Piece of Cake


Of what was supposed to be a peaceful virtual interaction has become not a barrier but lets say, it’s a reef – slippery, disgusting, fancy looking yet not something you will pick up and take home as part of your collection. Like my life, now.

With no Internet for over two months, I have been waiting for a chance to write, to tell you a story, another chapter of a new life gone old. But as life has it, I am unable to match my steps with the stars that dance above my head. Clueless – Confused – I do not know where to start, before I catch up, the footwork has changed and it’s a new lesson all over again. A viscous circle I chose to go round and round in, not knowing it could spin my head. How foolish I could be? Going round and round continuously does give you a head ache. One of the first experimental lessons you learn while playing Ringa Ringa Roses. I am sorry. I forgot. Or maybe just wanted to play again. Feel that sadistic joy we all felt after those circles, again.

“Somewhere I think K has a negative influence in your life.”
“Why would you say that? That ain't true. I Love her!” It almost sounded forced to me. It might have to BG too.

This man was interested in me. We spoke all day. We flirted all night. Good looking. Smart. Could give him a shot cause I felt maybe it was high time I explore. I open up.
“He pinged me. I did not reply.”
“Why?”
“Because I know you guys are flirting and now we live together so I think I should not come into the picture.”
“Chill. Maybe it was just a ‘Whats up’ ping.”
“Yet!”
For once I felt proud of her.
“Are you texting him?”
“Yes. You?”
“I am going to stop talking to him. I do not like him texting us both together…. “
Of course it was me who took a step back and they kissed, after a week of texting and getting introduced by me.

“Its like she wants every man you remotely flirt with.  If she was even slightly pretty, I would have asked you to pretend like you were flirting with me. Then, she would be interested in me too.”

As mean as that line was, it strangely made me feel good. It was BG’s opinion but it was like he said it for me. Like I felt this somewhere deep down but would never say it to self. And then, he said it, like, on my behalf.

I have been warned. None of my friends like her. Including V, the recent man I sleep with off and on. He does not even know her. Just thinks, “She is your friend, I understand. But why, I do not.”

Now my defence for her has come down to an unreasonable “Because I Love her. She is my oldest bestest friend.”
“You know, my friend had the chance to hit on this girl I liked. She was all over him. And I was not even in the same city. Yet, he backed off. Other guys didn’t. He did, cause he is my friend.”
BG’s anecdote that made me feel worse.

“I was about to go and ask that guy at the bar that he was trying to get all jiggy with you the last time.”
“Is the purpose of your life is to embarrass me?”
“No! Why should you be embarrassed? It is he, who should be.”
He, who flirted with her the first few times and then started to hit on me pretty blatantly and sexually. Ofcouse K was told about it. And she (probably) did not like it.

K is seeing RH. The man I had had my first one night stand with. The man was gentle and became a nicer person after I got to know him once K and he started dating. K is ofcourse having her fun while he is away. Her brother and I do not approve of it but then, ‘it is her life after all’.

It was a good time to go home. To just indulge in home cooked food and some comfortable quality time with family, where there would be no space left for me to think, to over think, to evaluate and to realize what I do not want to.

She decided to come to her home too after two days. I came back before her and saw some of my invaluable things missing. I checked her drawer, only because I have noticed other insignificant things from my house missing before and finding at her place. But I never confronted her regarding it. This time too, when I found it despite us sharing the room. I have not confronted and will not. But I know, now, that I have taken it back from where she hid it, she knows that I know.

Yes, this is what I live with. This, is what I call my life partner. This bond – a marriage. This closeness – a treasure. Unfortunate, I feel. This is all I have truly invested all my emotions in. Feels like finding your husband has been cheating on you after 20 years of a happy blissful marriage. I am sure, this is what this feels like. Sadly, I called her family. They do not do this, do they? Are they always that selfish? Does it make you feel like a toy? This does. This makes me feel like a fool. Worse than what CT made me feel – A never thought of heartbreak.

I fell in love with the man. He knew it. For his comfort, he was always around and otherwise, well… He is apparently finding his comfort in many like me. He has in the past and continues to do so. A hard step but I have taken many steps back, resisting the temptations of the comfort his arms. He angers me, like no man ever has. He saddens me, like no other bond had until K.

K beats everything. Unfortunately for me, all of this came together, slowly, like a venomous drug spreading through my veins, killing me softly without any pain. For once, struck with so many realizations, poured with so many lessons, I feel not cold, I feel not unnerved. I feel wiser. I feel stronger. I feel the original plan shall take place. I am even more seriously thinking of moving out of the country. Not now. No impulse has gotten me where I have wanted to be. And believe me, I have lived quite a part of my life on impulse. Take it as an advice, if you please.

A new world, a new set of people, not even familiar looking for that matter is what I am looking forward to, now. It’s a long time from now. Maybe a year, maybe more, maybe less, but it is to happen. I have fought my surrendering to a world of no love and no loyalty. I still have the strongest part of me going once again, my faith. Feelings will change. People will be replaced. But there is no escaping yourself. Be true to yourself. Do not let anything anyone turn you into what you do not want to be. For as lame and repetitive this may sound, believe you me, its true, my friend. If you are young, you are learning. And learn with an open heart. Never forget, at 50, you will have to pass the same lessons to your children. They will go through the same, god forbid, maybe worse and that is when they too will break down and come home, just to escape into their oldest comfort zone, the home cooked food.

I still have a lot of love and still a lot of strength to dive into adventures. This, my friend is nothing compared to the possibilities that exist in this world. So many lessons still await me and my old habit of learning them the way refuses to fade away. With every ash falling on the keys beneath this screen, the lips curve upwards, a little more.

“A True friend is he, who never talks behind your back”, said someone casually today. That is when I picked my laptop and moved out to start typing the above. But now, it is no more about the out pour, it is for you to know, nothing in this world is that important to learn it the hard way. Be cautious. Protect yourself a little, not over. Be sensible. Be open to learning. Be attentive and catch well whatever life throws at you. It could be an insignificant lemon that you may not sight in the sky, it could be a pumpkin that could break your head if not got your calculations right.

Love ‘n’ Peace.

Hugs. Kisses.
LSL.

6 comments:

Dip said...

need to read a lot of your old posts before i start reading this one! :) yay... reading material hehe

Lady Whispers said...

You need to learn about true friends...I am guilty on that part...people I trust most end up betrayers too....sigh

But you are one helluva woman I love and I know you can manage it all...but stop surrounding urself with wrong ppl....YOU DONT DESERVE IT....

Jack said...

L S L,

Nice to see you back after exactly 4 months. That too with such a sensible post. One should always be true to self and live by own conscience.

Take care

Anonymous said...

Sometimes friends are like that but we have to learn to live with them....guess thats life

-Pesto

Aditya said...

Given writing a book thought yet?

thedrunksoldier said...

awesome writing....regretting to come here late.

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