Friday, December 31, 2010

In the Name of Love!

Exactly 365 days back, at this very moment, G and I were making love to each other. We kissed at 12 at the deck as fancy ships sailed and firecrackers filled the sky. We stopped the moment we saw the first cracker go in the air. We knew it was 12. It was what we were here for. We turned. Held each other lovingly and kissed. It was the sweetest kiss of all times. It was my first 'New Year's Kiss'. The quite candle light dinner and the long walk on the deserted roads of Panjim had set the mood. We got to our room and kissed. A New Year Bang was obvious, but that is not what followed. We got into the blanket to get cosy and switched to 'Sex and the City'. Without any further guesses, I finished the movie for the third time now and he was fast asleep. He always looked so peaceful and innocent, like many of us do, while sleeping. I kissed his cheek and whispered Happy New Year! He kind of woke up and we kissed. It was not the 'I will enter you, as the new year enters' thing as he joked, but a slightly delayed sex plan., which definitely was one of the most beautiful year beginnings I ever had (ofcourse not just the sex but everything.)

And that probably is my last happy memory of the year gone by. After which came a phase. A phase that I still can not explain to people, but all I realized after that was that I just dont need anybody or anything. All I needed was something I couldnt find or even know till the last day of the year. That phase led to probably one of the most bizarre break ups anyone may have seen. A perfect relationship breaking on the basis of it being too perfect? A partner's niceness being tested to such heights? I messed up. I screwed up with G. Sometimes I think, maybe all this mess was self created or uncalled for, but then I realize, what looks clean on the surface may not necessarily be clear in all corners. And my hidden closets had opened and poured out all the mess.

Amidst all this, I realized there was only one man I wanted to confide into. Only one man whom I wanted to pour my confusion out to. Probably I knew he would definitely hear or was it the comfort of a stranger you dont know that leads to such out pour? Or was it just this unknown beautiful friendship developing. Don't know about either, because what I did was something completely different. I would have never done that and probably will not repeat it too, but it was this LSL reader whom I began depending on. Meeting BG was rather natural, like meeting an old friend. People raised eyebrows, answered questions about his sudden appearance, to everyone around me. It was an awkward entrance in my life, according to others, since it happened just a few days after my break up. We met and all we spoke about was G and his stupid ex. We went on to become what we were meant to be, the greatest of friends.

BG, is undoubtedly the best thing that happened to me in 2010. He was a good decision. I met his friends, he met mine. It all fell naturally and it was so nice. I dont think I am going to come across another man in my life who is going to be such a mirror image of mine, as he is, and yes BG, you bloody well admit that too. :P I was with him, what I have never been, not even with G or anyone else in my life. I was completely emotionally dependent on him. And I guess that is what flooded my Twitter account. There was that phase when I was cranky, irritated and annoyed to the core to realize I could fall for this LOSER of a friend of mine. I hated myself, but hated him even more for getting this out of me. He just knows me too well to not have gotten it, anyway, and that was the first and the last time we spoke about it. Today, he is about to get married!

When I look back at this, I realized it was not 'falling' for him. It was just getting used to him. Just getting overtly dependent on him. It was the concern in his text during my pregnancy scare, it was the repeated 'we will take care of the situation' that calmed me down. It was indeed his stupidity that has helped me cope through the year in whatever little ways. I got screamed at by him for several things but this pregnancy scare was the worst of them all, the worst day of my life. It was nothing but the guilt of no protection.

2010, the year of my first One Night Stand. A massive fight at home. A stressful time at work. A room full of friends during the worst time of the year led to a drunken LSL in a at least known man's arms. My Best friend K, decided to stay over for two days, which ended in 5 weeks with her brother, his girlfriend(s), her boyfriend, his friends and my poor annoyed flatmates. Even thinking about that time makes my head spin and drop my jaw in awe of self as to how did I handle it all. Because between all of this were the 5 most important weeks of my year. That stress was dealt with day in day out. Coming back home was relaxing because of K's love, but not exactly peaceful and enough to prepare me for the next stressful day. Ofcourse, coming back home also meant more stress in terms of 'household stress'. Issues between my flatmates and my friends, issues between my two flatmates, issues between my friend and her boyfriend, her brother, their friends. I was lost. It was the craziest time of my life, which all came out that one night when all that was piled on decided to be drank away. And I drank like a maniac only to be held by RH, K's boyfriend's sexy friend. He was your typical hot uniform guy, with a NICE VOICE. *screams* (WTF? Its now when I look back at it, I realise he is hot. WTF was I thinking before that? His small cock?) Well so, drunken yours truly is kissing this hot man on the dance floor and next thing I remember is us driving to his place.

For some really odd reason, I remember K puking in his washroom, me settling her with her boyfriend and her drunken brother. I also remember RH and I moving to the balcony for a smoke and talking but I dont really remember the SEX PART! I know for sure it happened, cause I remember that feeling of having-sex-after-six-months-get-prepared-for it-to-hurt, and it just didnt cause it was THAT small. First One Night Stand and what a disappointment I swear! He was way better the next time when his 'thing' was not involved but yes some playing was. And strangely enough, I remember sleeping off immediately after the intercourse and he was trying to be all nice by cuddling and making conversation and I was SLEEP TALKING. The sweetest thing, he remember it all the next day and asked me about it and I gave him the weirdest look ever and just said 'Oh! I must have been sleep talking' and walked off. Gosh! Now, this sounds so bloody rude. But then, we met, spoke, messaged and flirted some times after that and then he sailed back. That was the end of the RH chapter.

As for the main chapter, K, that RH was a part of, was not a good chapter. A Best friend, I wanted to marry. We knew we would make a wonderful lesbian couple, but staying together didnt work out for us. Not for me, at least. Its a different thing being in love, and a different thing to live together. While I sobbed for days fighting with G cause we were sometimes still dealing with the break up and sometimes the RH topic came up, I knew who picked my hand and took me for a drive and saw the disinterest in the person I needed the most.

I did not see much of my family, hardly spoke to them, screwed up relationships in life, strengthened a few, identified some potential ones and remain confused about some. The year of ups and downs in all of my important relationships. The year when I not just swayed into the no-protection-one-night-stand territory (Bad Girl! *moves pointed finger*), but I got my FIRST BIKINI WAX too! *claps* IT FUCKING HURTS! And funnily, I have not had sex right after that. Considering I have had sex exactly TWICE in this year, its not that funny. But a bikini wax feels bloody good. Creams are out of the window, totally! Hope that did not get stolen? Yes! I am also dealing with a Kleptomaniac (I hope not!).

I found some genuine care, some genuine love, allot of misunderstanding, allot of patience, tolerance and so much more. I discovered my limits. I discovered myself. I took care of myself. I brokedown a several times. Sometimes there were arms around, mostly it was just my pillow and quilt. On the surface, the year was horrid, but I know it, this was the best year of my life, probably! I noticeably grew as a person. I made mistakes like a human. I felt the need of love in my life, for the first time. For the first time, I moved beyond others and questioned, Do they also love me as much as I love them? I got to know people better. I got to know strange politics better. I learnt to stay calm in a storm. I learnt to weep alone without hugs. I learnt to live without my daily 'Big Hug! Big Kiss' from G. I grew stronger. My illusion of a happy independent life is out of the window. Now, I am just ready for whatever comes my way. I am ready to take on this world, the last time I said it, I crumpled, this time, I shall hold my God's hand and walk. Hopefully my blog may not be directly proportionate to my sex life, the dying sex life last year almost killed my blog and this year there maybe NO SEX AT ALL (WTF!? *shakes head*), hope that doesnt dry up the blog though.

All I need is a smoke now. But Control and Balance shall be my resolution this year. Controlling my impulses and Balancing my emotion affected actions. Just want to learn to take it all with dignity and love. I shut my eyes tight and hold your hand, God, you are by the end of the day, my ONLY true love and there is nothing I can do without your love. Please continue to be there, right beside me, sticking to me, holding me like a lover who wouldnt let me go, this year too. If there is anyone who brushes my hair while I bury my face in my pillow, its you. I Love you, and this time I need you more than ever.

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - Have a healthy and beautiful year! Hugs!
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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!