Emotions are a Man Made thing.

Exhausted. Physically too. Can not. Do not want to write. Been avoiding for months. Still want to. But something tells me if its not now, it will have to be a Doctor.

I came out of the theater, whimpering, like a cat. Skyfall had nothing to do with it. But the world was crumbling inside my head. I longed for peaceful moments but that night I dreaded it. It was not going to be easy spending the next one week alone in a house in silence. Especially calculating his arrival and knowing of hers.

CT was going to come to town again. And his new love and BG's old was already in town - R.

Funny, this world is. Before I knew BG, he fought, thew tantrums and insisted I was R, the love that broke his heart and he was never the same again. She was married and she played along with him during her trying times. Sought comfort in him. Got him addicted to her and then left him. BG, heartbroken. Waited to give up his world for her. To go to any lengths. That's what you do when you are in love, right? But she vanished and came back only to call him a good friend she would seldom meet over drinks.

Apparently, I had known R all along through her blog. And so, we met. We took instant liking to each other.

By now, BG was a happily married man. He had accepted her wandering and his heartbreak. Sometimes, you can still see it in his eyes when he speaks of her. There is some amount of anger, some sadness, a spoon of disappointment and a jar full of shattered dreams.

R and I grew fond of each other. Bonded over other common online friends, cigarettes, alcohol, books and writing.  She called me a kid. She treated me like one. Something told me, her encouragement towards my work was more out of what she had left behind unfinished. Like aspirational parents, who want their unfinished dreams fulfilled by their children. She was also moody. At the drop of a hat, she would snap and judge people. Disliked most. Made the effort of liking very few. Almost like she did not care. Almost like she genuinely did not have an opinion about these people. Almost like she had a vengeance against this world and to survive she would pretend to like a few. The vengeance was strong. You could feel it even in her silence.

R left her humble small unknown town in the name of love for a big big city life. She had been to two different cities for education and work before. But she was still that small town girl. She, still is.

I have no idea what had happened but once in her drunken state she told me, 'I packed all my bags and left in the name of love to that big city and ended up being heartbroken. I could have come back. Instead, I embraced the city. Fell in love with it." Subtext:  I immersed myself in its ugliness and its noise. I let all that take over the heart ache and piled it with ambition and hard work. She used her anger and aggressiveness in her work and became the successful workaholic woman cliche.

No, she is not single, so to say. She met another man after her heartbreak. Almost a decade older. Nothing in common. And not in love too. He was a mere distraction and an escape from the screams inside her head. Or so she thought.

Her quest to find that lost love. To find her happy smiling content self continues. Many men walk past her way. She smiles, invites and traps them in her darkness and her mystery. Mesmerized, these men follow the path she carves for them. Like characters of a book, she is writing. Sometimes, I think she is so aware of it that she intentionally uses it in her favor. Not exactly to let out her heart ache but then its easier to carve a story around characters you have seen and met.

Look deep in her eyes and they look helpless. Like prisoned by the anger of her heart. Innocent. Helpless. Sad. They look like the kind of eyes that still cry on her soft expensive pillows. The wine stains on the bed sheet speak of the life she had not imagined. She could not handle. And in this quest, she met the ever charming and intelligent CT. CT, who has been mentioned rather fondly in the past few posts.

For a long time, I was confused. The thought disturbed me that CT and R could be having a 'thing'. Ct is a lot younger and she, married. This restlessness was shared with BG, who after hearing everything, asked just one thing, "Is he a Charmer?"
"Very. I fell for it." And that I'd like to believe is a huge thin for I hate to trust men and most definitely recognize their tricks. Here, for once, I failed. And miserably so.
"Well, if he is a great charmer then only a woman more charming than him could charm him."

Reality Bites. I found my answer despite BG taking advantage of his friendship with R and actually confirming it. She confirmed the positive.

R has all of a sudden stopped talking to me. CT, I do not want to talk to. I have lost all respect for the man which makes me angrier. Angrier to the extent that I find myself killing CT and R in my dreams. Not once, but repeatedly so. I cry in anger to sleep wanting to finish it all and move on like I never knew them. Like I was unintentionally unlearning things about K, my best friend.

K, her brother and I, now live together. A dream we saw as little girls is now a nightmare. That is another story. Another miserable one, which shall be talked of in the next post.

CT is in town right now. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to hear that voice. I am sure R knows about us which explains her sudden disliking for me. That explains why CT would not talk. Would not meet for it would piss R off. She controls him. And some amount of it, he needs, being aware of his philandering nature.

Six months back I gave CT and my common friend a gift I customized and got made for CT. All I wanted was the friend to give the gift to him on this trip on his. Only and only because I want that burden off my head. Also maybe, deep down in my hearts, I wish he would realize how thoughtful that gift is and appreciate his loss. Or just know how much I thought of him and what I must be going through right now.

I smirk as the next thought hits my head - "I want him to feel all the pain I suffered because of him." And if not him, who knows I may want to start throwing this pain, this anger back at the world. Just like R does. I dread that future.

I want to hang onto my hopes. I want to believe in my happy carefree self again. I am happy not having or discovering a dark side. I have no intentions of finding myself waking to a wet pillow and no pants because a lazy douchebag thinks I am his phone sex partner. Every night after a few too many drinks and spliffs that seem never ending, I do not want to find myself looking for temporary comfort. Failing at my innumerable attempts at forgetting this pain. Forgetting CT. Forgetting my love for him, in the arms of another man. I do not want to lock my room and scribble my feelings on the wall, somewhere feeling I may need serious help. I do not want any help. I do not want to admit my addiction. I just want to get over it. CT has become that drug I am addicted to and knowing I can not have it makes me whimper, makes me angry, makes me want to kill people, makes me want this world to end, makes me sure I want to lie alone naked in a house with no human contact for days, months, maybe years. What's the funniest? I do not even want him. He is an asshole I will never have any respect for. He has only gotten me addicted to him like probably R has him addicted to her. One oh her many men.

I finally have lost my faith in love. I have lost my strength to hold onto any hopes. Lets get real. This world was never made for emotions. We were sent here as animals. Like K said to me once, "You can never love. You are such an animal. You just fuck." Ladies and Gentlemen, that's my best friend for over a decade telling me that with absolute seriousness. I let it pass but that I will hold against her. She had no right to say something like that to me when she is not even interested or has a clue what I feel for CT and what I am going through. This is the 'best friend' of my life, I live with.

Despite reading all of this, if you still expect me to move on with my life and hope and expect how unexpectedly things will change for me one fine day. I am sorry. I have not just given up. I have lost a game with no second chances. Lost my belief in my strongest value of 'Loving without expectations'. BECAUSE FUCKERS! PEOPLE EXPECT! AND THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU LOVE THEM YOU FUCKING RECOGNIZE THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY TO DO THINGS FOR THEM! I, have done, if not everything, yet I can proudly say, I have. I have fucking followed my heart (who was that fucktard who told me that?) and taken my risks time and again. I did today too in the middle of this post. I said I do not want to meet CT but I asked him to see me and he said he had plans. I knew it would turn this way. But I did. I took my chances. I have just been taking chances time and again, time and again, time and fucking again. But like they say right, somethings never change. My failures have not. My disappointments increase in a multitude, though. Every friend I ever banked on. Every tiny little thing makes me realize how most of my friends are not interested in my life. In what I may have to say. In what I may feel. They are there because I am there for them. Or maybe because I never told them about anything that ever mattered. I just don't. I just can not talk as much as I may want to. I can not think of a single person I can just hold, bury my face under their arm and cry till I sleep off in their lap and wake up to them smiling and making me feel like it is all fucking right. If I did not tell anymore because I wanted to make them feel like its no big deal then it really isn't. I want that person to smile and tell me it was all just a terrible terrible nightmare and its a bright new day. Its all the same as I left it more than a year back. Its all OKAY, in the real sense of it. I just want that smile to wrap me and make me believe all that I have unlearned. Make me that happy innocent smiling child again. Remove the chirpy mask and still find the awesome me that is confident, smart and happy. Just so fucking happy, I used to be that it confused people. Now, it doesn't matter to them. Such is world. Such is Life.

I have no idea what am I going to make of myself. But something extreme awaits this time.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.
LSL

Chaotic Peace

Bad Dreams come to us all. We all wake up in the middle of the night to look around for comfort. To take us in our arms and calm our fears down. Why do bad dreams scare us so much? Because it is in your sleep that your conscience fully awakens, answering all your questions in semiotic forms. Mine do too.

"CT!"
"Tell me"
"What?"
"Nothing. Just wanted a Hug then."
"Aaaww."

CT is still missed. He still fucks my head. I still wait for my phone to beep to see his name flash. He is missed. But not longed. Maybe not loved either.

Funny, how we wish for someone in our lives just to boost our self esteems. Funny how we want them just to comfort ourselves with a thought of having someone. You may not want them, yet you do, for reasons that are complex. That someone for me is CT.

When CT happened, I knew exactly what this was. I knew it will end with a kiss at the break of dawn. We continued to act all mushy, staying in touch. Flirting. Loving. That too came to an end with unsettling emotions and conversations. Sometimes it feels like it vanished in a whiff. Maybe it did, but why did I not feel a jerk. Instead, I felt anger. Anger at being rejected like this. Anger at not getting an upper hand. Anger at not getting a chance at massaging my ego. But then, when have I?

In all the past months, of all the men have come and gone, I have been the door mat. I have been the foolish one hoping to make it work, even when I actually did not want to. Probably because I wanted a stable relationship more than the person.

No point in self victimizing and lying to yourself. Lets face it - In the deepest and darkest of the corners of my heart what it all was. It was all a sham. They all, just temporary comforts. There is indeed a comfort, a morale boost in being longed. In being wanted, but not giving. That piece was missing. As much as I wanted to reach that stage, I ended up being on the other end. Or at least making them believe so.

All of these men probably think I long for them, when I do not. All of these men would probably think at some point in their lives, I loved them (or at least I hope they do), when I did not. Love, my friend, is a funny game.

So many of you said in the last post, I need a change. A new set of friends. A new city. I too thought that would do the trick, but not until you make those minor changes in self. Everybody in Every city are the same, if you are. And everybody in the same city change, if you do.

I have spent too much time looking for love, finding some awesomely wrong ones, made some terrible mistakes. Felt used, hurt, special, cheated and more, all in the meanwhile. But this is part of the process. It is what takes you closer to what you really have and value it.

Unlike all these men, G is home. Times when I really look for a clue if 'true love' and 'stability' exist, all I do is shut my eyes and bury myself in G's arms. G is where I find true comfort. G is home. Its now I understand why I broke up with G. To really know and understand what I had. And luckily, I have not lost.

"Are you officially dating that girl from your office now?"
"No. But we go out."
"Then date her no, dumb-dumb."
"No point. Her parents are looking for boys for her. Plus I have no intentions of marrying for another 5-6 years."
"Oh! So if I do not find anybody after 5-6 years, I can still flirt with you."
"Ofcourse! You are THE WOMAN in my life."

How stupid was I to let this man slip who would be around, holding me, stabilizing me, loving me, encouraging me, holding my hand even when his body and mind are completely occupied by the television set in front of his eyes. This is love. This is a relationship. I have never ever even been able to imagine a life like that with any other man. The thoughts have never gone beyond your typical teenage love dreams. Maybe a little more when it came to BG and CT. BG was too good a friend to question any comfort. It was easy to think of comfortable times with him because he was a great friend. CT, guess it was the timing. The peak of desperation to get out of the mess that all other men created and finding love in that stranger. But the truth is, CT was never comfort. BG was the comfort, you find in friends. G, is home!

Now, why would I not get back to G?

Its simple, actually. He is that one man I would never want to hurt in my life. He is that only man who has earned my respect and trust through and through. I would not do ANYTHING on this planet to fuck with his head ever again. I have done that enough. Not again.

I truly love him for what he is. And I respect him, more than anything else. What if I change my mind? What if an external factor makes it difficult? Just, what if it is not to work out again? Then, what? My relationship with G is so special to me that I would not want it loosing its real essence with a second chance. Like an awesome movie fucking it up with a squeal. G is special. And to treasure it and have it all my life, I will save it under a secret place, where no one can find it. I Love you G. (I had not said that in so long!)

Now, my current status on Love, Sex and Relationships?

Love - May or May not happen. No hurry, any more. No point looking cause you only end up finding the wrong ones. The right one will walk upto you just be alert enough to recognize it.

Relationships - They do not just happen. They need hard work from both ends. You are only ready for it when you are willing to trust, love and share a life. Maybe I am not ready for that yet.

Sex - Oh! How badly I should be getting laid right now. And ofcourse ask the man to fuck off after I have orgasmed. (Ego Boost? Remember?)

I have found my peace in this chaos. You would not know what peace is, till chaos comes. You would not know what love is, till hurt and rejection happen. You will not know what sex is, till you have had a long dry spell.

Am I back? Or Am I back? My Lovelies, I throw my arms at you for a BIG HUG and a BIG KISS. (Like G and I always said. ;))

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I am not going to stop looking around. I am not going to stop making the mistakes I have. I am going to live, learn and have fun. I am not going to attach myself to anybody just because I need that 'comfort'. And you understand this only after you have discovered what you were actually looking for.

The Typical Indian Male

"Yes... I didn't get gang raped. Heading Home... SAFE!"
":) Love you. Hope you enjoyed it."
"Long conversation... man!"
Message delivered to K.

I rush into an auto, just cause its been over seven hours and I have not gotten my damned smoke. After ages it was a peaceful, no traffic early morning ride back home. Courtesy calls - I message him. But no, I don't want to. Why? Conversation with self last night.

I walk out of the washroom feeling shy and naked. Rush for my shirt on the chair.
"Unfair. I am still naked. You can sleep naked too."
I smile and lay beside him. TC puts his arm around me. I put my hand on his thankfully no hair chest. Or maybe there were some. Too dark for me to see and nothing that I felt. But I liked cause I was being held after a long time.

"Umm... If my arm stays around you like this, I wont be able to sleep."
I smile and begin to move back. TC grabs me back and we get onto it for the second time.

I came. Thankfully, cause I did not think he was capable of it after he felt hesitant about going down on me and even about turning around and me getting on top of him. What? Really? Do men in today's world deny getting some effortless pleasure? Or did he sense my You-ain't-getting-this-right-Mr.- let-me-take-over feeling? I hope he sensed it. So instead I turn around and well almost did it from behind.

There were times I could not help but laugh. I am sure it hurt his 'mardangi'. But sorry my dear stranger, you had a eight month dry patch, Me, not even a month.

"When was the last time you did it?"
He smirked, "Eight months."
"Fuck! That's long!"
"You?"
"Two weeks.."
An uncomfortable, "Two weeks! I should be the one saying Two days!"
-100
I knew what he was thinking. Yet, the cheap ass that I am, I poked and asked.
"Why do you say that?"
"Cause I'm a guy!"
-1000000000000000000 Sorry stranger, you're points are in negative now. You lost too many too soon already.
"That is bloody chauvinistic of you!"
"Yes! The Male Chauvinistic Pig."
"Pig? You are a fucking asshole who will be getting no more sex from me, Asshole. Not just cause you're a chauvinist, also cause you ain't good, my love. Oh wait! Most chauvinists are bad in bed or is it the other way? The men who are bad in bed decide to become MCPs cause they have nothing else to keep their self esteem up?"
I smile, turn around and bury my face in the wall. Two feet away from him.

10 minutes later...

"Do you have an ashtray?"
"No."
I stare at him in the dark. I am sure he could feel it.
"Its a no smoking room."
Okay. Calm down, L. Not like you care about him but where did the manners go?
"Oh! You're allergic?"
"No. The landlord is. He keeps his house smoke free."
"I'm glad I don't live here."
I lay back in digress.
"Like really? Are you fucking kidding me, asshole? Your landlord is fucking five floors down. Will never know and you are no ideal tenant otherwise I wouldn't be here. Right?"
Gosh! He just denied me my after sex smoke! WTF! No one ever does that! Grumpy face gets worst. Anger increases. Check the phone. Four more hours before its decent time for me to get out of this damn place. I NEED MY SMOKE. He does not even cuddle. Not that I am a cuddle-all-night-after-sex girl. I have a penis in my head, for heavens. Yet! Courtesy? Hello?

Back to the wall.
Final calculation of his points.

1) Picked up - +10.
2) Was gossiping with a friend on phone - -100.
3) Talks rudely with cops cause he thinks his job will get him through all the shit - -200.
4) Defends his fight saying 'Cops are assholes. They should know where they belong.' - 'Err? Wha? What did you just say?' -500.
5) Made the first move - +50.
6) Was too quick in the making out business (He took off my shirt in five minutes of kissing!) - -10.
7) Smelt great - +300.
8) Was particular about his cleanliness and the room's - +100.
9) When I say 'Go slow' I mean it. Instead being the 'Typical Indian Male' he thrust it in. - -10000.
10) Cock size - Normal - You don't gain any. You don't lose any.
11) Ate up my fucking right breast. Overdid it. - -50.
12) He made this weird grunt like sound sometimes - What are you? An Ass in disguise? Your cock does not suggest that. -100.
13) Could not figure out the damn hole - Made me feel as if he was a Virgin. Clit is not a hole, Mr.! And ofcourse he was over confident about how he knows where he is going is right! I had to actually say this to him, "TC! My hole! I'd know better!" - -100000.
14) DID NOT know the art of Seduction - -1000.
15) Hesitant about going down. Just used fingers. Did not even know how to do that. - What the fuck do you have a mouth for? Not like you are a great kisser! Oh! Wait! Why should he go down? Against the MCP guideline, man! -10000000.
16) Refused, rather offended by the offer of changing positions - Its a man's job to be on top of a woman. A woman should know her place. Beneath the man! Isn't it, Mr. MCP? - -100000.
17) Could not get the hole behind right too. - I helped but gave up after a point. Your ego will not accept you ain't getting this right, so no point. By now, I was like, Get done with this damn thing! -10000000.
18) Eight months of no sex - -100 Yes. Now I am just pissed so just about anything will make him lose points.
19) Oh Shit! How could I forget this one! Random bad Music in the Car - -100000000000.
20) Plays Basketball - +100. This is a generously added point just cause he lost too many. (See, I am nice.) True Point - Came before me in the first round - -10000 How Typical of Men!

PHEW!

Believe me, I could come up with more negative points, but then I am being lenient. Also, these are leniently given points. I have rather been generous!

That was my first One Night Stand with a complete stranger I met about two weeks back at a Pub and exchanged numbers in a drunken state. Finally met last night for a not so great night. There was NOTHING exciting about it. I hate G for this. I shall blame him for the rest of my life for spoiling me in bed. And RH for all the Romantic guy loving, caressing, playing with the hair and all that jazz after sex, even though it was just a One Night thing. He made me feel like such a girl. Special and Loved. G, you are an asshole for setting the damn sexual experience bar way too high. I am sorry, I am spoiled. A brat and bloody good in bed. And I know that!

G = Catch!
RH = Small cock but made up with all that loving, sweet kisses and tender caresses.
TC = Thumbs down!

Can not wait and have that long conversation with K and laugh my ass out with her over wine. Much needed.

Conclusion, To be great in bed, you have to be a good person too. Being a chauvinist or proud of your position will only turn women off. Keep that in mind, men! ;)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - TC just makes me believe I have a cock in my head even more. Tell me I am wrong, my girls! ;)

Jump and Fall

The World falls in two categories - One that is in Love and One that is looking for love. Who said Love was easy? Neither being in it nor looking for it. Specially, when ironically it surrounds you. We just fail to see it, always. And take the leap into the shallow side of the pool. Cause its just so safe to.


My friends are getting married. All of them together around the same time and the rest looking for the 'perfect' match. The one who will perfectly fit the family and who will be fun to be with too. By the end of the day, its all a matter of perspective. Its all about what you bring out of them. By the end of the day, is what you make of them and what they make of you. If its good, its meant to be. But then, who said rules apply? Who said making lists and ticking them off every time you meet someone for a date would make you love them. Its again just convenience. Its calculative (read Manipulative). Snap out of it!


I have made the mistake of mixing my logical reasoning mostly when it came to love, but then that is not love. Love is true when it takes over you completely. It takes over your life. In true Bollywood style, makes you sleepless, makes you smile and cry for no reason, makes you think of that special someone all day, every second (without exaggeration). Love is madness. It is maddening. You maybe aware or afraid of the consequences but how will you know whether you were right or it was just an assumption until you make the effort to find out. But no, we are too protective about our feelings. Just too scared to shed off each piece of emotion that makes us. That defines our true being. That we feel so deep within that we stay shut in our closets, layered in different emotional clothing. Believe me, the reason you feel hurt is because you are trying so hard to compress what is meant to be just OUT THERE. Something that maybe yours, but is for somebody else. Your heart is beating for you, but the moment you skip that beat cause of that someone, they have a right on that heart too. Go, give it off. What do we have to lose? What do we have to give anyway in this world, except love? The heart is not completely yours, anyway. Might as well offer it.


Believe you me, you will regret staring at the ceiling, lying on your death bed, not telling that someone you loved them. Even if it meant, loving them for just a day. You might lose the person, but your sweet memory will stay with them forever. You will eventually land in the place you desired. That special space in her/his heart, after all.


Just take that leap. Afraid of falling? Dont be! Cause unless you fall, you will never be able to rise and walk again. And if you feel unable to get up, someone will come your way and pick you up. Just let them help you. DO NOT shut yourself. Your heart will only cry in pain more, for lack of chance to love again. For lack of feeling special again. For lack of sleeplessness, being occupied every second with the thought of just one person. It will yearn for more love for revival. It will cry only and only to you until you throw it in unexpected hands who plays with it, caresses it, teases it, touches it, kisses it and makes it smile again.


Just, Jump and Fall. Fall in Love. Love for the sake of humanity. Love, Let Love in, Let Love talk. Let it act all crazy. Keep your logical bullshit away from it. It is a free bird. Let it fly. Let it dive. Let it flutter. Let it fall. Let it catch its flight. Just Love, because that is what keeps us close to our real selves. Keeps us human.


Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

With love, love and more endless unconditional mad free love.

Come Undone

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now


We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry


Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry


Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone...

A lit Cigarette. Craving for pot. An Overdose of Chocolates. And a Cluttered Mind

"Hey"
"hey"
"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just fooling around."

"As in?"
"As in doing nothing. Just sitting. You tell me. Whats up?"
"Nothing...just back from work an hour ago. Hectic day at work. Finalized PPT."
"Nice."
"To be honest and not beat around the bush - I'm feeling very horny and want to take you somewhere."
"Hhhmm"
"Where do you wanna go?"
"No where."
"What are you wearing?"

And then I didn't reply. He did not ping again either. I guess G finally got the hint that I was not interested.

All of this at the end of the day that had probably been one of my worst and guilt stricken, filled with anger. I had taken a Pregnancy Test in the morning. The night before that was sleepless and the pillows wet. I was not guilty of having unprotected sex with that random acquaintance as I was of having protected sex with G.

I was made to feel so guilty about making out with that random acquaintance by G that I apologized for days for hurting him, which I did mean, but today when I look back at what happened in the past two months was totally uncalled for. That random guy came and left. No emotions involved. But when G happened last month, he came with a bag full of emotions. Emotions that were his and mine. I withheld. I did not want to disregard my treasure packed in that bag.

We were meeting for the first time after our Break up. This was an important day cause I was now entering the 'uncomfortable zone', according to a friend. And just like it is hard for me to write further, it was equally hard to walk with him into the room instead of a public place to just 'talk things out'. I knew what I was getting into but with some senseless hope in me I walked with him that we will not end up the way we always had. But we did. I stopped myself. I stopped him. But I was now vulnerable. I could not think straight anymore. My entire emotional treasure in his bag had been thrown on me. I was loaded till my forehead. I could not see. I could not walk straight. I tried being careful but it didn't help. "We have done this before. This is not unusual for us, baby." Yes it was not if our emotions and relationships had not changed. I gave in, with just one thought in my mind. Maybe this will end it. Maybe this will make me guilt free of hurting him. Maybe he will get over me after the so called 'Break up sex'. Maybe he will forgive me for just walking out of his life. Maybe he will let me go. Maybe I will get over this pain. This guilt. Maybe the collision of thoughts will stop. Huh.

I buried my face in the pillow like a cranky spoilt child. I took his hand and put it around me. I wanted a hug, not a cock. I wanted us to talk about us and not go back in our old days of 'us-dom'. He found me getting cranky like a child and wanting a hug funny. He laughed as I contemplated my decision of walking out of the room or staying in and giving this a shot as a shot to 'make up' to him for what I did to him. As I said, I really was not thinking. The thought was just just so stupid.

We had sex. I stared at the wall in front of me as I lay on my stomach, feeling like a slut, as he pumped himself in. He went on to being his kinky self, "Whose whore are you, Miss Luscious Sealed Lips?" And I cried. I cried in pain that came from within. I stopped him. I could not take it anymore. Neither his cock nor the turmoil within. I locked myself in the rest room wanting to howl and kill myself for what I was doing. I walked out, without wanting to look at him and give a sweet kiss. I lit my cigarette. I sat. Tried talking about 'us' for just maybe five minutes. Looked at him and asked, "Do you like playing with my hair, G?" He looked at it. Placed his hand and said, "Of course." I smirked inside. We hugged. We kissed Goodbye.

Friend messaged asking, "How did it go?", and I had no answer. But I knew, no matter what, this had done me more good than damage. I was not guilty anymore. I was not guilty of comparing him to that gentle random acquaintance who spent an entire night holding my hand tight and burying his face in my hair. I was not guilty of walking out of this relationship anymore. I was now more clear about what I wanted. About how kink was so not my thing. Of every time I gave into kink with him was never fun. It left me feeling like a slut as he called.

Sex without wanting it bad, whether out of love or hormone, is not my thing. And if you think I will be your ever ready ex girlfriend-turned-fuck buddy, No! I am sorry. I do not know how to tell you this. But, no, you just would not understand the innumerable hints. Baby, I have loved you, genuinely. Please, I have reached the stage where I would cry in front of you and beg, Please let go of me. Please I really am not in the condition to give in to your wishes. I want you to be my sweet memory and a good friend, not your cute ex girlfriend who is still hot in bed with you.

My heart sinks everyday in the night when I look up at my ceiling reviewing my life. I feel like a slut. You were not meant to make me feel this way, but if this is how it works, then so be it. I know you are not wrong at your end. I have not been strong enough to take a stand. I have not been direct with you. I should have given you a fair chance, I didn't. I have screwed up. Alot. I have messed up your life and mine. But now, I want to walk away. I want to run into a corner in the hills, pierce my heart and let it bleed. It would ache everyday. It would cry every night. But it would shed no tear.

I want to cry. I want no shoulder. I want to jump off the cliff and let it out as I fall down. I want my body to float in thin air with no strings attached. I have fucked it up. I am at fault. I ruined it for G. I ruined myself. Walk away from me G before I do you any more damage. I can not forgive myself once again, for what I did to you, for what I am doing to you still, for what has become of me. Walk away for yourself. I do not want anybody. I know how to take care of myself. I will mess it up more than once, but I will learn.

I do not know what I have said in the post above. It is a cluttered mind put on web. After seven discarded posts came a lit Cigarette. Craving for Pot. An Overdose of chocolates. And a Cluttered Post.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I have had God's support and genuine prayers and support of friends, my test proved negative. :)

On days like these...

Out of habit, I vent out in front of BG.
"Argh. BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY!"
"Get a hug. Eat a Burger. Drink a Beer."
"No hugs available.
Burger - Not in the mood.
If I have Beer then my work will surely get done."
"Okay."

After about an hour.

"Where are you?
"Home. Where else?"
"Okay. I will see you in 10 minutes."
"Uh.. Okay."

10 minutes later, the doorbell rings.
"Hi."
"Hi. You needed a hug na..."

Middle of the night I call K. We speak for an hour and a half about EVERYTHING on this planet, including our own whimsical one. She reassures me of who I am when I need it the most. She knows I am disillusioned. Demotivated. Frustrated. Pissed. Rusting to the extent of losing myself forever. She says the right things and makes things seem so much easier for me.
"You are L! How can you be letting yourself do this to you? Just go ahead and take the decision. I know it will not be easy but then you are not happy anyway. You bloody well do it."

Later after that call.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Sure it is just work?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Then you continue. We will talk tomorrow."
And G and I hang up.

Five minutes later, phone beeps.
"I know you had a bad day. Wish I'de know what happened and wish I could make it better for you. Now that I can not, all I can offer is a big hug with a promise that everything happens for good. Have a nice night baby. Tomorrow is a new day."

Some things can never change between me and G.

It is on days like these you wonder what good did you do in your life that you have such beautiful people in your life who are just there for you.

Thanking you three would be belittling the emotions and the ear to ear unending smile you brought on my face. All I can do is Thank God for having you in my life. Thank you God for making me your special child and someone special for these people. :) I still can not stop smiling. BIG HUG. BIG KISS.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

YAWN!

The phone rang.

"Sorry."

"You know Nate's phone rang and so did mine. I knew it. We are connected. Maybe I should marry him."
"Mate?"
"Nate!"
"What are you saying?"
"I am talking of Nate. Nate from Six Feet Under!"
"Oh! Nate..!"
"Yes, I know my blocked nose and fucked up throat makes everything sound so differ ant."
"Yes. It does."
"What do you think? Should I marry Nate? I wish I could marry that cute gay too. Darn! Why did he have to be gay?"
"WHAT are you saying?"
"Yes! I have been dreaming of this cute gay guy for the past three days. I met him months back and when I spoke to this friend of mine some three days back, she told me he was asking for my number."
"L! I can not understand you."
"Oh! Come on! He is really cute. I just want him to turn heterosexual for me."
"I am not jealous L, if you think."
"Of course you are not. You are not that type."
Why are you not, G? :(
"Just let me know when you want to break up with me, so that i am mentally prepared."
"Oh! Don't you worry that I would."
"Hmmm."
"So.....?"
"So what?"
"So, how was your day?"
"My day..... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...."
YAWN!
"...And then there is this match tomorrow between XYZ and JKL..."
YAWN "Yes..."
"And you of course do not know what I am talking about."
"No. But then you are talking and that is nice."
"Yeah." Given up.
"So what are you wearing?"
"How does that matter?"
"No. It does not."
"Of course it does not."
"Yes. No matter how much you may like me pouncing on you, it does not matter."
"Not like you are in the mood."
"Yes I am not but you can answer me."
"Not all questions are meant to be answered."
"Okay. I shall go and sleep now."
"Did you practice this conversation?"
"No. I do not practice any of my conversations. Why?"
Because you always sound so mechanical.
"No. Just generally."
"Oh! So you wanted to sound all hep."
"What is so hep about this?"
"I do not know. Why are you talking like this?"
"No. Just asked. Anyway, so you must be tired. Go to sleep."
"Do not make it sound like it is my fault."
"Well I am not. I mean it. Go. Sleep."
"I have had a tiring day."
"I understand and that is why I am saying Go and Sleep."
"But you are making me feel guilty about wanting to sleep."
"No. I do not mean it that way. I am serious. Go. Sleep."
"What are you wearing?"
"I do not know."
"This is the lamest anybody can get. 'I do not know' is the stupidest answer to any question."
"Hmmm."
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night. Sleep Well."

Phew.

This was one of our longer conversations. Lately, by which I mean some three-four months, we have just been talking too little and for some strange reason, neither of us feel the need to talk more. Ages, since we had a conversation. A random one or even a serious one. I guess we are bored.

And that to be honest is O.K.A.Y. Every relationship hits a high point, a low point and a bore point. It is bound to come when you love someone so much and know just about everything. You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing. You know what facial expression is going to follow after that sentence, and even complete their verbal reactions to it. They become predictable. Hence, boring.

It is rather hard to love immensely and hold interest, both, at the same time. We humans are a little too restless to handle both. I for one, definitely am.

"I am really pissed off."
"Okay. Then listen to the latest news."
"What?"
"I think I want to break up with G."
"What? Why?"
"Because I am bored."
"How boring is that."
"What?"
"You want to break up with him because you are bored in your relationship?"
"Yes. I need something more exciting. Something that is happening. There is just nothing happening in our relationship. We wake up. Walk our ways to office. Maybe talk for a minute or two again in the evening, only to say 'lets talk later' and then 'Good Night' around 11-12. It is so fucking mechanical. It is so routined. And I hate it."
"At least have an exciting reason to break up. Cheat on him!"
"You know I can not do that."
"Because you love him."
"YES!"
"Then why do you want to break up?"
"Because I am bored."
"Well, then make up a story of cheating on him."
"Hah. Like that is going to work. He will never believe me. He KNOWS me."
"Come on. He has a cock. He will get jealous."
"Well, there you go. One of the biggest advantages of having a fat girlfriend is being free of insecurities."
"That is not true."
"I know my fucking boyfriend and he knows me too. And THAT is our fucking problem."
"Well.... At least have an exciting break up."
"Exciting like what? Go. See him. Fuck him. And then break up with him."
"Yeah. That sounds fun."
"Do you realize I am in love with this guy?"
"Then do not break up."
"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am bloody bored."
"And you guys do not even fight."
"Exactly."
"Lets go out this weekend."
"I am desperate. I need a vacation so bad."
"Lets seriously plan this tomorrow when we meet."
"Totally. I need to get away from allot of things."

Now, I know what a want. The reason why I burst into tears the other day in front of everyone without any reason or even an obvious emotional trigger, shocking the living daylights of all the people around me was clear. The reason why G has been lately scared of what I say, how I say it and what I exactly mean is clear. The reason why I want to break up is clear. The reason for my mood swings is clear.

I am plain unhappy with myself. I am not a mechanical person, but I am living a mechanical life. I am used to of doing what I want to. I am living the dream I always envisioned but did not see it as robotic, which is how it has become. I have no time for myself. For my expression. To stop. To feel. To realize. To feel free. To feel me.

I need some time off. I need a BREAK, sans the 'up'. And a good conversation with G. A random one. Not a practiced and planned one.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Honor-esty!

"So he slept in the Drawing Room", in the most expectant voice.
"Well... No. The first day we were all watching movies in my flat mate's room, so we slept there..."
"And the next day in the Drawing Room?", now her voice getting firm.
"No. In my room. On the Floor mattress." Both being a lie. We slept on my bed after exhaustive sex for those two days.

She decided to hang up on hearing my last line and not talk.

What is with Honesty, after all? Is it difficult because it is hard to admit or is it harder to accept? Maybe both. The fact that it is so hard for others to accept that others find it difficult to admit. Probably that is the reason why most of the honest people nowadays are considered 'blunt' and sometimes even 'ill-behaved' because they do not care whether you accept it or not.

For me, honesty has always been a matter of Self Honor. Be proud of what you have done else do not do it. This being the reason why I have never believed in lying except for times when I know it would hurt my mother or my sister. Also, I know I would want to tell them as soon as possible, at the closest right time.

So, this time, there were no secrets. G was coming for the weekend. He was staying with me. He is my boyfriend, everyone knows from day one, anyway. But, my sister thinks it is difficult for a couple to stay in one room and not get physical. And that is precisely what got her upset. Despite her long lectures and explanations about how G and I should not sleep in one room because 'it is different when your friends sleep with you and when your boyfriend does', he did sleep in my room and I did not lie.

The funny thing is, I hid my previous trips to G from them. My virginity is a secret and shall remain for some time. My mother hopes I will break up with G and ultimately marry a nice Muslim boy of her choice. What the truth is is still hidden.

Am I completely being honest? Do I have the balls to face the repercussions of these truths? Is this a question to my personal principles or am I exaggerating?

What makes people uncomfortable with letting out truth at any point of time to anybody, is that you will not be comfortable taking it in. Honesty, in actuality is as easy as you make it. But then how far does comfort decide the extent of honesty? I may let out all that I want to on this Blog, yet my identity remains in the dark and I am not even comfortable letting it out.

Funny how honesty plays around with you making you look like a big jerk in any situation, whether it is where you are lying or one where you are 'blunt' or just calculating how much is to be let out. Honesty is a bitch! And Honor? Fuck it!

P.S. - This had to be a post about G and his beautiful short trip to see me, but unfortunately things do not go the way you plan them. Sometimes you are thinking of something and something else would fuck up your mind to the extent of overtaking your original emotions that were meant to be expressed.

Petty Privacy!

Chatter: Yeah. Anyway R, I was saying...You and I will have to also part ways
me: Why?
And firstly, Why have you been referring to me as R since yesterday?
Chatter: Because when I am talking to you I feel that i am talking to her behind a different veil. You maybe a third person completely...but every time I talk to you, I feel as if she is nearby.
Forgetting someone you like, is not easy, and having you close won't help.
me: Alright.
Chatter: Thanks
me: Are you sure?
Chatter: Yes
me: Anything that makes you comfortable. :)
I am there whenever you want to talk.
I am always there as a friend, whenever you need. :)
Chatter: Thanks...take care
me: You too.
I will miss you.
Chatter: Now don't make me cry...go
:P
me: LOL.
I really liked talking to you.
Chatter: So did I
me: You were a good friend.
Anyway, things always do not go as we plan.
Whether it is your plan of spending an entire life with R.
Or me making great friends with you.
:)
Take Care.
Resource Humans well. ;)
All the Best.
Chatter: ha ha..sure :P
cya
me: Bye.
Chatter: Bye.

For the next ten days I resist not pinging my favorite Blogger Online Friend. The only one whom I hit it off immediately in the first few conversations. Conversations so free flowing, comfortable and random that the last time I felt this way chatting with somebody was when G and I had hit it off. But much to my delight, Chatter pinged me and the old days seemed to come back. We chatted the way we did. We never discussed his past love, R, for another one month.

Chatter: So I guess its goodbye then
me: I really do not know what to say.
Chatter: You don't have to...the choices we make...our actions speak a lot in themselves
Its ok
me: I guess you should know how weird it is to receive mails like the one you sent.
And to be brutally honest with you, This is not a fair way to treat me.
Anyway, to each to his own.
Chatter: mails?
me: I do not think I want to say much.
Yes.
The one you sent a few days back.
("This is the deal, I feel u r my 'R' parading around with a diff name...but I could be wrong also. If u r not the same person, and you really want me to be around, then please do reveal your real identity...

if you can't and i can appreciate your reasons please do remember me in good light

god bless")
Chatter: Have you imagined what it is like to have loved and lost
to have imagined ones life with someone
to have seen the possibility
and then seen the light go out
just because I am smiling does not mean I am okay.
I am just trying to preserve my sanity now.
me: I understand.
But does that give you the right to hurt people?
Chatter: But how did I hurt you?
I asked you if you felt I was friend enough to know your real identity
and you chose not to tell me about it.
me: This is not the first time you have said you do not want to talk because you think I maybe R.
It is irritating.
And hurtful to see people coming and talking to you whenever they want to and then face their mood swings.
Chatter: That i agree is my fault....for therein lies an assumption i made...that you were her and there was stuff you'd rather say to me as sealed lip than her
so for me it was talking to the same person
not different people
me: Whatever.
I know what you are talking.
But ... forget it.
I do not think I see any point in saying anything further.
Chatter: I agree the point was actually quite simple...am I a friend enough for you to tell your real identity...
and your answer
is no
has been no
and that is that
whatever points you raised are fair...but are not the real point
That one thing would have solved a whole lot more
No secrecy
No assumptions
me: The point is a friend is expected to respect your privacy, whatever level you want to hold.
In case it is difficult for you to respect who I am, I do not think there lies a point at all.
Chatter: I do...and till I didn't have a need of knowing that the two people were same or different
I didn't push that point
But now I need to
me: You can not force me to tell or do something. Can you?
And if you intend dong that, please answer, is that respectful?
Chatter: No but I can request and depending on what you choose to do, I have to make tough choices, you think i like losing friends? you are somebody i can talk to and connect to...I must be really pushed to my limits to have to do something like this...wouldn't I?
Now u tell me
What should I do?
Being a friend is also about taking responsibility for your friend's smile...
Is your privacy so earth shatteringly more important than my smile?
Hey gtg
Please think about what I said
I beg of u
I don't want to loose you
I've lost enough already.

It is not for the first time someone on my Sealed Lip I.D. has forced me to reveal my identity. It is not for the first time I have had 'friends' saying Bye because I am not 'real' enough.

Here, is a different world, probably living a different life too. A different set of 'real' friends. A completely different set of emotions. A completely different profile. Just because it is all so different from my physical reality, it does not become unreal. Why is it always so hard for people to accept people as they are? How do we manage to find some 'worthy secret' or curiosity to ruin relationships? What is the level of privacy that all relationships should have, after all? Is the strength of a relationship directly proportionate to the amount of 'secrecy' unlocked?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - To all my dear Bloggers, I have not been regular because of Mood Swings and Business. Will be visiting your Blogs soon. Often I visit your Blogs, read but do not find the time to comment properly. Please bare with me. :) Thank you all. Kisses.

I got another Award. Thank you Ki! :)

Being There!

The most important promise in a relationship - 'I shall always be there for you.'

What is this Promise after all? When are the moments when you need to fulfill this promise? And How do you do that?

He was being nice. I knew I was cold.
"Look L, I can not have a conversation with a person who just does not say anything."
"Fine. Then let us just end it."
"What is wrong with you? Why are you talking like this?"
"Talking like what?"
"L..."
"Look G, I do not want to talk. We will talk later."
"What is it? Tell me. When did our relationship reach at a level when you would talk of breaking up? What have I done? Please tell me."
I sob. And sob. And cry endlessly. Having a two hour conversation where I tell him about how I do not get to talk much because either I am interrupted or the conversation ends before I start talking. I say a hell lot of other things. Things I do not remember. Things that made no sense. Things I regret saying. Things that were irrelevant. Things I did not mean. Things which were important. Things which had to be talked about.

I was unhappy. Upset. I was not feeling good for over two weeks because of myself. I think I was guilty about something. I think I was cheating someone I love. I think I was not loving myself at all. I was not being that part of me, which I was most proud of. I was plain unsatisfied and unhappy. It was killing me from inside. I needed a friend desperately. I wanted to hug Aj and K and talk. Just be with K and have fun. Wanted to forget everything with her.

G thought it had something to do with our relationship. He went on and on about how he or the relationship maybe responsible to make me feel like that. I hung up more times than I had decided. This constant rant about him or the relationship made me feel worst. I did not know how to explain I AM UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF REASONS I DO NOT KNOW OF. I JUST NEED YOU TO BE THERE. He insisted he was. He always was. He still is. But I wanted more of him. Something he did not understand. I decided to kill the ego and explain "G. I know you are there but if I am asking you to be there for me means I need more of you. I need an assurance. I need to be reminded. I need to feel that 'Yes! You are there'. I need you to hold me. I need you to tell me 'L, Whatever it is. I am there with you. It will pass. I will be through all of this with you. Holding you tight.' I know all of this. I know this is a phase. I know you are there. But knowing by myself does not seem enough. I really want you to act like being there."
And then came his response to a speech, a sobbing explanation that was longer than it appears here, "Okay".

I laughed my ass off. It was so funny. I could not help but laugh. ALL he had to say to all the sobbing begging and emotional outburst was an O.K.. I could not believe my ears. I told him, "You make me feel like a loser bitch begging for something she deserves." I also told him, "I thought you would be a friend but ..." And he said, "I am. When I can sit hear and understand my ex then it is definite that I can understand and I would make the effort to understand you better." I know I said allot of nasty things to him. I regret bringing up 'break up'. I hated myself at that moment. Wanted to slap and punish myself for saying that.

We hung up after that 'O.K.'. Yes, I gave up. Ten million call backs had already made me feel I was important. He wanted to sleep over it. I did not. I had slept over it enough. I guess somewhere I had given up the hope of him understanding my state. Something that hurts, but I understood. I explained myself that I am hurting myself with too many expectations. Sometimes somethings are really beyond a man's understanding. Women are complicated. They are difficult to understand. They are difficult to handle.

We did go to sleep. At least before we slept, he assured me that he loves me. Though I was still craving for a hug from him. If he had said that, it would have ended all matters there and then.

The next day we talk. I was confused. I had not said even a single 'I Love you' last night. I wanted to now. And I sent a simple mail. Switched off the phone. But could not stay that way for too long. He called immediately. We spoke. I was not too good yet he tried. He asked if I wanted to talk about last night. I refused. I decided to give it up and at least try to let go off it. I had issues with myself. Why was I turning this into bigger issues in my relationship? He tried. He tried very hard. I had to smile. I had to apologize for my behavior last night. He apologized too for 'not being there'. We smiled. Laughed. Joked. I begged again, 'At least give me a hug. I have been wanting one for so long.' 'You know L, I am not a hug person.' 'But I am.' 'OK. Take a big hug.' That was enough. It solved the matter between us. I reconciled with myself gradually too.

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' (understand by himself). :P

*************************************************************************************

Friend 1

It was like God conspired to make me think and understand the value of 'being there'. I meet a friend on the same day. She wants her guy 'to be with her' but he probably does not want to. He is too busy. She needs him but does not ask him to be there because she does not want to bother him. She blames herself of being too demanding. It made me think. Was she right? Is blaming yourself of being too demanding when you need the person you love is the right thing to do? Is asking somebody to just assure them of their presence too much to ask?

*************************************************************************************

Friend 2

This one is an online one. Same day. I had one of the weirdest conversations with this one. He was depressed. Wanted to talk. Needed a friend 'to be there' and hear him. I said I was. But he refused on the grounds that I was not a 'real person'. Accused me of being a 'desktop icon'. I was not capable of 'being there' only because he did not know my real name and location. I argued he knew me more than anyone in this world. Anyone who reads my blog knows me more than anyone else in my life. My readers probably know me more than I know them. And knowing a person matters more than knowing the basic information about them. But he chose to remain in his depressed world despite the offer from a 'computer generated chatting software'. I was too 'unreal' to be a friend, for him.

Yes, it had hurt. It had hurt to know I was being considered unreal in a place I am most real. It made me think how 'being there' is a hard job to do. People need people at a time when they are going into a shell of depression and unhappiness. That shell blocks all your thinking power and you refuse whatever help is coming your way. You act difficult in accepting the person who is willing 'to be there for you'. You hurt the same person and lose them forever. You become what you had dreaded - Lonely.

*************************************************************************************

G spent days making me smile, laugh, just 'being there'. He said, "I want to make up for those days when I did not know you wanted more of me."

Thank you God. Thank you for giving me a man for whom everything about me is important. Thank you! Thank you for that every person in my life whom I love and who love me. Thank you for being nice to me. Please forgive me for the times I have tried cheating on you. For the times I have cheated on myself and the people I love. I am sorry to have hurt anyone on this planet. Forgive me for not being nice to others and myself. Help me not to repeat these mistakes. Help me to get back to what I was. I want to be free. I want to be me, again. I Love you God. I Love you G. Thank you for the friends in my life. You send them closer to me when I need them. (Aj and K are coming to town. :D) Thank you for the family that loves and cares for me more than themselves. Thank you for these patient blogger friends. Thank you for the beautiful life you have given me. I do not want to be unhappy and show ingratitude for the gorgeous life you have gifted me. Thank you! I can never Thank you enough, yet Thank you once again. Hugs. (Imagining God hugging you is the most comforting feeling.) :)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

M.A.D.

Statutory Warning - THIS AINT A POST

I am in such a terrible mood that I feel like scribbling on my blog. Since I can not do that I am writing this post from the right side. I do not know. Probably this is my way of taking out my anger. Anger?

Okay. So we have not spoken spoken in a long time. Guess what? This did not even strike me until he made me realize it himself by mentioning it yesterday and said, "I want to talk all night. Its been a while since we have talked for long. In your words 'talked talked'." I was alright the way it was going. No issues. BUT, he said something of THIS sort and I WOULD NOT grab the opportunity? Huh. You have got to be kidding me. I was fucking tired, sleepy. Infact had called him to say good night at 21:45 it self when he just mentioned it and as an overexcited fool I tell him I'll call him as soon as I am free. (People were around). And so, I call only to discover he has gone off to sleep. F-U-C-K-E-R!

That evening it self he made me feel so good. He said something he has never said before and trust me the post was going to be all about that, but I guess he did not want my blog look too sugary. So, he made my day today again b saying something extrmely sweet. Tonight I was not really in the mood to talk, but he seemed to. O.K. Another opportunity, grab it with both hands. ...........................................................................................................................................................................................................

Y.A.W.N.

He spoke for a full 32 minutes on the phone about something. Mind you, HE spoke for THIRTY TWO MINUTES ALONE! I was honestly bored. I was having fun watching good music on music channels after a long time, but NOW I was sleepy to the core. It made me MAD. I was not pissed, sad or even upset. But I was mad at him. I was mad at him for boring me. For talking to me about something so random and boring when I really wanted to 'talk'. Fuck.
















Sigh. Feels good. I think I just did not have a great day. I am in one of my phases where I need to be with myself. I am simply over reacting. And trust me, no matter how 'boring' it may have sound. It was something that would have interested me if only the time and mood were right. I had heard everything he said. I love how he talks about EVERYTHING. Even after putting me on No. 8 of his list. This New Year Diary that I gifted him comes 1st followed by his

• I Pod
• Music on Laptop
• Laptop
• His favorite T.V. sitcom
• His home theatre
• This one I do not remember

I Love him ya. I can not help but find everything interesting about him. Simply because I am interested in him. He is the love of my life. And oh dear, he has heard much boring crap from me than I could ever hear from him. But that is what partners do. They listen. They hear. They speak. They are interested. They are so not interested. They love you. They are bored of you. They will always be there for you.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I need some time off. I want to be ONLY with myself for a while. :)