Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Conversations to Contraceptives

"My guy went bald."
Laughing my ass off on her pitiable situation, "WTF! Why?"
"Because he wanted to."
"And he is not even the kinds who would look hot with no hair. Fuck!"
Came a sad "Yes" to that.
Filling the silence with a loud laugh, I can sense her anger.
"I am ditching him very soon."
I stop, instantly.
"Fuck! Why?"
"Because I have many reasons to... I can not have a decent conversation with him. He is not even great in bed. Well, he is not bad, but he isn't great either. My ex was."
"Are you serious?"
"Very. My best friend-cum-back-up boyfriend is coming next month. I will have fun with him."
"Yeah. Lets plan a trip."
"He is coming in the last week."
Adding to the bitchiness, "Your birthday is around the same time. Break up with your guy after that and we shall leave immediately for the trip. At least when he tries tirelessly to get you back, you will be far far away."
"That makes sense. He is such a baby. Wants to be pampered all the time and OH MY GOD! He is going to cry SO MUCH!"
"And of course, he will call all his friends and bitch about me."
"Is that not obvious, considering it is HIM."
We laugh.
"Why were you dating him in the first place?"
"Have you heard this from anyone else L that when you break up you immediately want to get into another relationship to feel good. That is exactly what I did. Without even thinking twice, I just went ahead with it."
"I know I know."
We both contemplate in silence for a moment.
"When will I find MY guy? Someone who is perfect."
"Soon baby."
"What soon. I am kissing every frog that is coming my way yet nowhere close."
"We all learn from our mistakes."
"My ex was better than him, L. I seem to be making more mistakes than before."
"Hhhmmm. Now, be careful. You should only get better with men, not lower your standards."
"So keep kissing, one of them will turn into YOUR Prince."
"That makes me feel good."
We smile.
And she jumps, "You know something?"
"My guy is such an ass. He ate Viagra the last time we went on our short vacation."
Now, this one was really crazy.
"Because he wanted to TRY."
Obviously I felt the reason for him to be 'not great' in bed was apparently THIS. Fuck! He is young. Why on earth should he need a Viagra? LOSER!
Feeling terribly bad and good for her(Bad because he needed it and Good because hopefully this might satisfy),I collect myself and say a long, "O. K."
"He took it the night we were traveling. And if you do not have sex after taking it, you end up getting high fever."
This is just getting better.
"This one time when you guys could have had 'Great Sex'. He did this. Why did he not take it earlier even if he just wanted to TRY."
"I have no idea. And you know it lasts you for half an hour."
I just sank in sympathy for her.
"Its alright baby."
"Yeah. He is cute anyway."
Sympathetically I agree.
I could not stop thanking God for G. I could not stop being proud of him either.
"So, Hows G?"
She caught my thought.
"He is 'great'."
She comes back to her complaining in no time.
"You know, we have nothing in common. No proper conversations. Nothing."
"What do you talk over the phone when you do?"
"Well, I do the talking."
"What do you talk?"
"I talk. Here and There."
"And that is?"
" I say I Love you."
"All night long?"
"I am glad G and I can have decent conversations whether we have something common in us or not."
"That is really nice."
"And important too. I can not tolerate an unintelligent man."
"I AM BREAKING UP WITH MY GUY! Not even waiting until my birthday."
"The Gifts?"
"Oh yes! I will take the gifts and then ditch him. It is like Love for him is giving allot of expensive gifts to your Girlfriend."
"Love for G is...."
I shut up because I know he is a sensible guy and one more snooty sentence to show how 'great' my guy would make her scream louder, so I change the topic completely.
"You know, the month is coming to an end and I have not had my periods yet. I am freaking out."
"Why? You guys did not use condoms?"
"Both. Condoms and Pills. I leave no room for that 1% too."
"Then. Stop freaking out. It must have just got delayed."
"I know. It has happened earlier too yet..."
"Its alright."
We have interchanged roles of "Its alright" and "Its not". This continues for a good 10 minutes.
"But I had it around the same time that I was suppose to have my periods. And you know chances of fertility are the highest at that time. And if he is overly potent even one drop could do wonders."
Considering he rammed me for half an hour straight and we came thrice. Anything could be possible. His condom was loaded. What if it tore? What if there was a hole? We are such a horny couple that a meeting that was suppose to last just a few hours over coffee and food ended up in wasting an hour looking for a room to fuck and finally taking the risk of time and landing up in his own bed.
"You took the pill, right?"
"Yes. I did. Yet. What if?"
"If you are so perturbed. We will get the pregnancy test tomorrow and check it. Okay?"
"Yeah. I have the same in mind."
"Good. Now lets get back to work."
And we hang up.

Now, something that was just a passing thought became a strong fear. Thanks to her guy. If he was not that big a loser and my friend was not so irritated with him. She would not have endlessly listed out his faults and I would have not been coaxed into changing the topic to something that was just a passing thought. (Most women think they are pregnant if they miss their period by more than two days. I was no exception.)

I call G endlessly. He is busy. FUCK! The fear just growing.
What if I am?
But I have had sex just twice in the past six months. Should not be possible.
But I had sex in February, i.e., a month and a half back. Then I had it last week, which was a crucial week. So, I COULD BE Pregnant.
Fuck! I also remember seeing a drop cum(his or mine?) near my vagina.
Even if I am. I can get aborted easily. No issues with that at least.
But how sad and ironical is this. There, my sister is trying to have a baby for the past 7 years and here I am thinking of getting rid of one.
What if someone sees me visiting the Doc. for an abortion?
What if I am Virgin Mary and have got pregnant despite the I-Pill and Durex?
What if ... What if... What if...?
So many situational thoughts were making me mad.
Call G again.

"I have not got my periods yet."
"You will get them."
"What if I am pregnant?"
"You can not be. We took a two level protection."
"Yes. But still."
"L, I trust the brands we use."
"Yeah. What if?"
"You are not pregnant L."
"No G. Yet... What if I am... We had sex when I must have been ovulating."
"Fuck. It was that period when we had sex?"
"OK. Don't worry. I can still doubt the condom for a while but not the pill. So relax. Wait for a few days."
"I think I will take a Pregnancy Test."
"Yes. Do that."
"OK. Bye."
And I leave immediately to get one.

When I come back. I felt like Juno. I drank liters and liters of all possible liquids to pee. And I peed but the fucking sample dropper's hole was so thin that despite all the peeing I did not have a drop in the dropper. I pee again. Not enough for the dropper to take.

I was getting desperate by the minute to test and unfold the self created mystery. I pray to God hard. Almost promising 'No Sex', then I change my mind and make corrections in my prayers. I give up on trying to pee sitting on the pot for half an hour. Not knowing when I will pee next I call G again, cranky, "I am not able to pee."
"You think calling me will help?"
"No. But still. I want to pee."
He laughed.
O.K. I agree it was funny. Hearing your girlfriend who desperately wants to pee but is not able to. We have heard of constipation. What was this? OK. Sorry, I had peed but was not able to collect. Yet, what if someone wants to pee and is not able to. What is that called?

I drank and drank. And finally it came when I was least concentrating. Maybe my concentration was disturbing my pee. It was shying away. (What am I talking?) Thankfully I saw a bottle before I enter my washroom and get a bright idea. NO MORE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS PEE! I take the bottle cap and collect it in that. Finally I took the test! After a minute or two, I saw one line coming. I look at it closely. It was getting dark slowly. I start imagining another line appearing too. Guess, it was just the fear. I stare at it till JUST ONE LINE BECAME BRIGHT RED and assured me that it was NEGATIVE. Phew!

I am now waiting for that asshole of a period to come. Second Possibility - DIET! I need to check my diet too. Fuck! Does that mean I am not eating right?

Being a woman is not easy, my love.


Love 'n' Peace.


Phoenix said...

o my my...

i have a wide range of thoughts coursing through my mind while reading.. first part about your friend ranting about her guy...somehow reminded me of me!! :O and trust me now i realize all guys are the same and we girls suffer endlessly...

and the second half sounds familiar too.. i have friends feeling anxious about the same... :) and my it was one helluva read! phew! i loved it!!period! :P

Dan* said...

many ppl want to become bald (fashion) My neighbour went bald but he looked cool.

hmmmm horny couples too much drama and spice .....lucky for u the test came negative.

Be with a person who likes you more than you do ;)

Dipti said...

Thank God for durex

ok i'm a baby here. listen, you take i-pill before or after sex? what are the side effects?

i know i know how it feels when it gets delayed. every woman thinks she could be pregnant at that time. and loves telling the guy too.. with "what if i am" added.

Kenneth said...


Thank God.

That G's a real funny guy. "I trust the brand we use"

Rahul Viswanath said...

Loved this post .... It made me go on n on n on ..... Good piece !!!

Tazeen said...


you sure as hell know how to build up the moment. Ever considered writing fiction?

Dream'R said...

so which one's the brand he trusts again ;-)??...it would have been fun though if there were that extra line on the test rite!!..;-) ...

Randeep said...

L, Ur friend s *****

And double protection s always good ;)

nice/avg post..


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Phoenix,

Women - The Victims of Love! Sigh.

LOL. Thanks. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Dan,

Some bald men look super hot. It has allot to do with your body type and face cut, actually.

Dramatic it is! Yes yes Lucky Me! :)

I am reading between the lines. ;)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Dips,

LOL. Two and half years is showing now. ;)

Take it within 3 days of having sex. Different brands suit different people. I-Pill did not suit a friend of mine so she takes Pill 72. She felt dizzy and pukey. And of course too much of birth control pills could do something terrible to your 'Power of Fertility', if taken regularly.

FUCKING TRUE! After the first two-three serious times, I started enjoying asking him 'What if... What IF.... WHAT IF...' LOL. ;)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Kenneth,

An even bigger P H E W!

I did not even find it funny until you pointed it out. Everything he was saying was so 'crucial' and 'important' at that time. Even if he said 'I am impotent', I would have heard it carefully, yet worried.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Rahul,

Thank you.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Tazeen,


Thanks. I shall take that one as a compliment. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Dream'R,

FYI, Durex and I-Pill. :P

Yes! Fun only for you to read. (If I were alive to write about it)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Randeep,

Mind filling in the Astrix with reasons?

It was definitely a two level one. But I will keep that in mind.

Thanks. :)


Karthik Murali said...

ur posts seems to get more sensational and hot by the day

btw , tell ur friend , that gr8 in bed never go in hand with the "right one"
lol..... its jus a myth portrayed in mills n boons or the hollywood chick flicks....

Sonal Arora said...

hey L,

When you sighed 'Phew', same was my reaction...i was all into your post and when the tests came out to be negative in your write up...
even i sighed with a long breathe..'Phew'...

Its very difficult to be women and the day guys get to know this...they'll start treating us like princesses and respecting our Existence..!


kunal said...


This post was amazing, i got to much involved in that...
I felt relaxed when test came out negative in your write up.



Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Murali,

Thank you.

The myth about both going hand in hand or the existence of the 'right one'?


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sonal,

LOL. Thanks.

I wish. I wish. I wish they understand.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Kunal,



Estella... said...

LOL..was quite engrossing..made a good read

Kenneth said...

Dear Sonal and LSL,

Following the story of "Man's Inadequate Life"

Once he reaches puberty, he begins to search for a mate. However he doesn't realise that the mate has allready begun searching for her mate 3 years ago.

Boy approaches girl, with lots of balls and courage. Girl doesn't think the boy is even in her "league". That league consist of men who are 5 years older than her and hence very mature (she thinks). Boy gets relegated to being a "friend". He gets elevated to being to the post of "Bestestest Friend" in 7 years. In the meanwhile Boy is hoping for a lay. Girl has got laid with 4 different Men, all of whom she concludes were a "waste of time" or "immature".

This process repeats itself until Girl finds (or settles) for "her Boy".

So you see women, it is YOU women with ALL the choices in life while we MEN are usually "outcomes" of those choices, whether we like it or not. Now tell me who has the more "Meanigful" life. Women with "ALL" the choices or Men who usually stand like hookers waiting for a "Chance"

Moral of the Story - We need to be treated like Princes because without the "importance" we give you, lets face it, your lives wouldn't be the same. So "Stop Playing Hard to get EVERYTIME" and lets get laid more often.

I rest my Case.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Estella,


Hope to see you around.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Kenneth,


Come on. Do not blame our vulnerability for your lack of charm and excessive unsatisfied sexual demands. ;)


ScarletTd1ar1es said...

being a lady is definitely tough....not that i can imagine...but i think u put it across in as good a way as possible...lovely article as real as it gets...hats off..

Don't Be a Slut said...

So glad your pregnancy scare was just a scare!!!!

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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

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