In the Name of Love!

Exactly 365 days back, at this very moment, G and I were making love to each other. We kissed at 12 at the deck as fancy ships sailed and firecrackers filled the sky. We stopped the moment we saw the first cracker go in the air. We knew it was 12. It was what we were here for. We turned. Held each other lovingly and kissed. It was the sweetest kiss of all times. It was my first 'New Year's Kiss'. The quite candle light dinner and the long walk on the deserted roads of Panjim had set the mood. We got to our room and kissed. A New Year Bang was obvious, but that is not what followed. We got into the blanket to get cosy and switched to 'Sex and the City'. Without any further guesses, I finished the movie for the third time now and he was fast asleep. He always looked so peaceful and innocent, like many of us do, while sleeping. I kissed his cheek and whispered Happy New Year! He kind of woke up and we kissed. It was not the 'I will enter you, as the new year enters' thing as he joked, but a slightly delayed sex plan., which definitely was one of the most beautiful year beginnings I ever had (ofcourse not just the sex but everything.)

And that probably is my last happy memory of the year gone by. After which came a phase. A phase that I still can not explain to people, but all I realized after that was that I just dont need anybody or anything. All I needed was something I couldnt find or even know till the last day of the year. That phase led to probably one of the most bizarre break ups anyone may have seen. A perfect relationship breaking on the basis of it being too perfect? A partner's niceness being tested to such heights? I messed up. I screwed up with G. Sometimes I think, maybe all this mess was self created or uncalled for, but then I realize, what looks clean on the surface may not necessarily be clear in all corners. And my hidden closets had opened and poured out all the mess.

Amidst all this, I realized there was only one man I wanted to confide into. Only one man whom I wanted to pour my confusion out to. Probably I knew he would definitely hear or was it the comfort of a stranger you dont know that leads to such out pour? Or was it just this unknown beautiful friendship developing. Don't know about either, because what I did was something completely different. I would have never done that and probably will not repeat it too, but it was this LSL reader whom I began depending on. Meeting BG was rather natural, like meeting an old friend. People raised eyebrows, answered questions about his sudden appearance, to everyone around me. It was an awkward entrance in my life, according to others, since it happened just a few days after my break up. We met and all we spoke about was G and his stupid ex. We went on to become what we were meant to be, the greatest of friends.

BG, is undoubtedly the best thing that happened to me in 2010. He was a good decision. I met his friends, he met mine. It all fell naturally and it was so nice. I dont think I am going to come across another man in my life who is going to be such a mirror image of mine, as he is, and yes BG, you bloody well admit that too. :P I was with him, what I have never been, not even with G or anyone else in my life. I was completely emotionally dependent on him. And I guess that is what flooded my Twitter account. There was that phase when I was cranky, irritated and annoyed to the core to realize I could fall for this LOSER of a friend of mine. I hated myself, but hated him even more for getting this out of me. He just knows me too well to not have gotten it, anyway, and that was the first and the last time we spoke about it. Today, he is about to get married!

When I look back at this, I realized it was not 'falling' for him. It was just getting used to him. Just getting overtly dependent on him. It was the concern in his text during my pregnancy scare, it was the repeated 'we will take care of the situation' that calmed me down. It was indeed his stupidity that has helped me cope through the year in whatever little ways. I got screamed at by him for several things but this pregnancy scare was the worst of them all, the worst day of my life. It was nothing but the guilt of no protection.

2010, the year of my first One Night Stand. A massive fight at home. A stressful time at work. A room full of friends during the worst time of the year led to a drunken LSL in a at least known man's arms. My Best friend K, decided to stay over for two days, which ended in 5 weeks with her brother, his girlfriend(s), her boyfriend, his friends and my poor annoyed flatmates. Even thinking about that time makes my head spin and drop my jaw in awe of self as to how did I handle it all. Because between all of this were the 5 most important weeks of my year. That stress was dealt with day in day out. Coming back home was relaxing because of K's love, but not exactly peaceful and enough to prepare me for the next stressful day. Ofcourse, coming back home also meant more stress in terms of 'household stress'. Issues between my flatmates and my friends, issues between my two flatmates, issues between my friend and her boyfriend, her brother, their friends. I was lost. It was the craziest time of my life, which all came out that one night when all that was piled on decided to be drank away. And I drank like a maniac only to be held by RH, K's boyfriend's sexy friend. He was your typical hot uniform guy, with a NICE VOICE. *screams* (WTF? Its now when I look back at it, I realise he is hot. WTF was I thinking before that? His small cock?) Well so, drunken yours truly is kissing this hot man on the dance floor and next thing I remember is us driving to his place.

For some really odd reason, I remember K puking in his washroom, me settling her with her boyfriend and her drunken brother. I also remember RH and I moving to the balcony for a smoke and talking but I dont really remember the SEX PART! I know for sure it happened, cause I remember that feeling of having-sex-after-six-months-get-prepared-for it-to-hurt, and it just didnt cause it was THAT small. First One Night Stand and what a disappointment I swear! He was way better the next time when his 'thing' was not involved but yes some playing was. And strangely enough, I remember sleeping off immediately after the intercourse and he was trying to be all nice by cuddling and making conversation and I was SLEEP TALKING. The sweetest thing, he remember it all the next day and asked me about it and I gave him the weirdest look ever and just said 'Oh! I must have been sleep talking' and walked off. Gosh! Now, this sounds so bloody rude. But then, we met, spoke, messaged and flirted some times after that and then he sailed back. That was the end of the RH chapter.

As for the main chapter, K, that RH was a part of, was not a good chapter. A Best friend, I wanted to marry. We knew we would make a wonderful lesbian couple, but staying together didnt work out for us. Not for me, at least. Its a different thing being in love, and a different thing to live together. While I sobbed for days fighting with G cause we were sometimes still dealing with the break up and sometimes the RH topic came up, I knew who picked my hand and took me for a drive and saw the disinterest in the person I needed the most.

I did not see much of my family, hardly spoke to them, screwed up relationships in life, strengthened a few, identified some potential ones and remain confused about some. The year of ups and downs in all of my important relationships. The year when I not just swayed into the no-protection-one-night-stand territory (Bad Girl! *moves pointed finger*), but I got my FIRST BIKINI WAX too! *claps* IT FUCKING HURTS! And funnily, I have not had sex right after that. Considering I have had sex exactly TWICE in this year, its not that funny. But a bikini wax feels bloody good. Creams are out of the window, totally! Hope that did not get stolen? Yes! I am also dealing with a Kleptomaniac (I hope not!).

I found some genuine care, some genuine love, allot of misunderstanding, allot of patience, tolerance and so much more. I discovered my limits. I discovered myself. I took care of myself. I brokedown a several times. Sometimes there were arms around, mostly it was just my pillow and quilt. On the surface, the year was horrid, but I know it, this was the best year of my life, probably! I noticeably grew as a person. I made mistakes like a human. I felt the need of love in my life, for the first time. For the first time, I moved beyond others and questioned, Do they also love me as much as I love them? I got to know people better. I got to know strange politics better. I learnt to stay calm in a storm. I learnt to weep alone without hugs. I learnt to live without my daily 'Big Hug! Big Kiss' from G. I grew stronger. My illusion of a happy independent life is out of the window. Now, I am just ready for whatever comes my way. I am ready to take on this world, the last time I said it, I crumpled, this time, I shall hold my God's hand and walk. Hopefully my blog may not be directly proportionate to my sex life, the dying sex life last year almost killed my blog and this year there maybe NO SEX AT ALL (WTF!? *shakes head*), hope that doesnt dry up the blog though.

All I need is a smoke now. But Control and Balance shall be my resolution this year. Controlling my impulses and Balancing my emotion affected actions. Just want to learn to take it all with dignity and love. I shut my eyes tight and hold your hand, God, you are by the end of the day, my ONLY true love and there is nothing I can do without your love. Please continue to be there, right beside me, sticking to me, holding me like a lover who wouldnt let me go, this year too. If there is anyone who brushes my hair while I bury my face in my pillow, its you. I Love you, and this time I need you more than ever.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.

Kisses.

P.S. - Have a healthy and beautiful year! Hugs!

Bitching about Dogs!

Some may find it weird and cheap but I love to sit on pathways, talking and observing people, occasionally, with my smoke. The world seems different and you seem more approachable to the world.

Sitting doing my occasional thing with two of my girlfriends discussing family, pressures, friends, boyfriends, men, women, girlfriends over one smoke after another. Advising, Arguing, Laughing and Crying.

"I think that guy is good looking."
"Which one?"
"Wait. The girl is weird... Whats with good looking men taken by ugly... Oh Fuck!"
"What happened?"
"The guy is ugghhly. He looked nice through the glasses of the store."
"And the girl is nice."
"Yeah. I Love what she is wearing."

"All girl's have this problem", a random guy who almost stole my new lighter (he borrowed and was not returning. :P), talking over the phone.

We burst into laughter like young teenagers, who find every random thing funny.

"I think he is having girlfriend troubles."
"I think he is breaking up."
"Or maybe she is breaking up. He looks like he could cry."
"All men are the same. Cry babies who just can not move on."
"Well... we did not ask for personal experience talking here."
"Exactly PL."
"Shut up RM."
"On second thoughts RM you have been talking to poor PL as if you have four boyfriends. Spare her your stupid invalid advices. You have no idea what she has been talking about for an hour."
"Oh Puhleez! I am the one who had four boyfriends. So, I am more experienced."
"That does not show cause you apparently do not even know the importance of 'who hangs up first' in a fight."
"Oh! You two have weird ideas about relationships."
"Me hanging up first in a fight and he calling back is so cute."
"PL! You are in love."
"I don't know about that. But he is cute. Considerate."
"It was never really an issue with me, but yeah, it feels nice if the person calls you back and well you have hung up and thrown all the tantrums, yet are being pampered back. Ofcourse its special. G always called back. Sometimes I hung up just so he calls back."
"Well, Once I did try hanging up but my phone got hung and the call could not end. So, I called him back from my landline and then banged the phone."
"See, so you did too."
"Yeah. I guess."
"But I think he is very cute."
"PL! DATE HIM! What part of it do you not understand?"
"I can not date him over the phone, right? He will be back in December. I will meet him then and then talk to him face to face about it."
"PL, you guys are already informally dating. You two talk, flirt and even have lovers' fights."
"Yeah, but I dont know. He is just too cute."
"We get the point, PL!", simultaneously.
"But dating him would mean losing allot of my friends."
"Is it about ST?"
"ST has been extremely moody ever since I told him about this guy."
"Well, he is human. He has been wooing you for over a year now."
"But I can not see him beyond a friend. He is just too sweet."
"So, if a guy is sweet he is not date-able and if he is cute he is totally worth it?"
"Yeah L. You got it!"
"But then he will understand. He will get over it if you are good friends."
"He is a man RM. He wont!"
"Exactly."
"Men are terrible at taking rejections and break ups. They just take it too harshly."
"Look at ST, DV, PD, etc. etc. etc. (she really had a long list of good friends turned Romeos). They have all stopped talking to me after a while. I have only been losing friends this way."
"Thankfully, I have been lucky that way."
"But I swear, if this guy does not work out. I am giving in and getting married."
"Oops!"
"How does it matter? You will anyway be married to someone from Doon, only."
"Argh! I hate that bit."
"Why? Whats with Doon?"
"ST from Doon, this cute guy from Doon, DV from Doon, this other random guy I was being fixed with by my friends was also from Doon. Like Really!"
"LOL! Take it or Leave it. You are destined to be married off to a Doon guy."
"I think I attract the wrong guys."
"Its not about the city my love."
"It is! They all are so hung up! Something is wrong with Doon boys, I tell you."
"Well, maybe you were some Doon Princess in your last life and all these men must have woed you but died in the process. :P."
"I don't know, L. Life is a mess."
"Its not. Date the cute guy."
"Yeah. I guess I will."
"You must! You are informally dating yet restricting yourselves from saying and doing things just cause you two are not 'dating' but are still behaving like a couple in other ways."
"Thats true. I do stop myself many times cause its not like..."
"We are dating, but we are... You two will hang in the middle forever like this, then. JUST MEET HIM AND DATE!"
"Okay! Let him come back!"

After two hours of all kinds of crap.

"Excuse me?"
Returning the Lighter.
"Thanks."
I smile. And then he sits beside me.
"I hope you all do not mind me joining you."
"Errr....."
"Actually I just wanted to ask you one thing."
"Sure?"
"Is it really easy for women to just break up without any reason."
"(WTF? Where did that come from?", all three faces said that.
"Umm... Well... Can not generalize, can we?"
"I was dating this girl for a year and now she calls and says she does not feel for me anymore."
(Which part of that does not qualify as a reason?)
"Umm... Maybe she has some issues she has not told you about or is going through a phase and will be fine in a while."
"If she had an issue she would have told me, for sure."
(I do not like over confident boyfriends. Women love their men to guess but men... Sigh!)
"Well, then talk to her about it."
"I did but she has no explanation."
(She just said she does not feel for you anymore, Loser!)
"Give it some time. If it works out, it works out. But if she still has no explanation then let it go. It will not work out. Accept it."
Almost crying, "Tch. How could she..?"
Looks back at us, "Anyway, I am so and so from Doon. You are?"
PL looks away.
"L"
"RM"
Waiting...
"She is PL."
"Thanks for the help."
"TC. Bye."

We both turn to PL and laugh our asses off.
"This guy is not getting an explanation and that girl is getting no peace. Period."

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Come Undone

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now


We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry


Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry


Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone...

A lit Cigarette. Craving for pot. An Overdose of Chocolates. And a Cluttered Mind

"Hey"
"hey"
"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just fooling around."

"As in?"
"As in doing nothing. Just sitting. You tell me. Whats up?"
"Nothing...just back from work an hour ago. Hectic day at work. Finalized PPT."
"Nice."
"To be honest and not beat around the bush - I'm feeling very horny and want to take you somewhere."
"Hhhmm"
"Where do you wanna go?"
"No where."
"What are you wearing?"

And then I didn't reply. He did not ping again either. I guess G finally got the hint that I was not interested.

All of this at the end of the day that had probably been one of my worst and guilt stricken, filled with anger. I had taken a Pregnancy Test in the morning. The night before that was sleepless and the pillows wet. I was not guilty of having unprotected sex with that random acquaintance as I was of having protected sex with G.

I was made to feel so guilty about making out with that random acquaintance by G that I apologized for days for hurting him, which I did mean, but today when I look back at what happened in the past two months was totally uncalled for. That random guy came and left. No emotions involved. But when G happened last month, he came with a bag full of emotions. Emotions that were his and mine. I withheld. I did not want to disregard my treasure packed in that bag.

We were meeting for the first time after our Break up. This was an important day cause I was now entering the 'uncomfortable zone', according to a friend. And just like it is hard for me to write further, it was equally hard to walk with him into the room instead of a public place to just 'talk things out'. I knew what I was getting into but with some senseless hope in me I walked with him that we will not end up the way we always had. But we did. I stopped myself. I stopped him. But I was now vulnerable. I could not think straight anymore. My entire emotional treasure in his bag had been thrown on me. I was loaded till my forehead. I could not see. I could not walk straight. I tried being careful but it didn't help. "We have done this before. This is not unusual for us, baby." Yes it was not if our emotions and relationships had not changed. I gave in, with just one thought in my mind. Maybe this will end it. Maybe this will make me guilt free of hurting him. Maybe he will get over me after the so called 'Break up sex'. Maybe he will forgive me for just walking out of his life. Maybe he will let me go. Maybe I will get over this pain. This guilt. Maybe the collision of thoughts will stop. Huh.

I buried my face in the pillow like a cranky spoilt child. I took his hand and put it around me. I wanted a hug, not a cock. I wanted us to talk about us and not go back in our old days of 'us-dom'. He found me getting cranky like a child and wanting a hug funny. He laughed as I contemplated my decision of walking out of the room or staying in and giving this a shot as a shot to 'make up' to him for what I did to him. As I said, I really was not thinking. The thought was just just so stupid.

We had sex. I stared at the wall in front of me as I lay on my stomach, feeling like a slut, as he pumped himself in. He went on to being his kinky self, "Whose whore are you, Miss Luscious Sealed Lips?" And I cried. I cried in pain that came from within. I stopped him. I could not take it anymore. Neither his cock nor the turmoil within. I locked myself in the rest room wanting to howl and kill myself for what I was doing. I walked out, without wanting to look at him and give a sweet kiss. I lit my cigarette. I sat. Tried talking about 'us' for just maybe five minutes. Looked at him and asked, "Do you like playing with my hair, G?" He looked at it. Placed his hand and said, "Of course." I smirked inside. We hugged. We kissed Goodbye.

Friend messaged asking, "How did it go?", and I had no answer. But I knew, no matter what, this had done me more good than damage. I was not guilty anymore. I was not guilty of comparing him to that gentle random acquaintance who spent an entire night holding my hand tight and burying his face in my hair. I was not guilty of walking out of this relationship anymore. I was now more clear about what I wanted. About how kink was so not my thing. Of every time I gave into kink with him was never fun. It left me feeling like a slut as he called.

Sex without wanting it bad, whether out of love or hormone, is not my thing. And if you think I will be your ever ready ex girlfriend-turned-fuck buddy, No! I am sorry. I do not know how to tell you this. But, no, you just would not understand the innumerable hints. Baby, I have loved you, genuinely. Please, I have reached the stage where I would cry in front of you and beg, Please let go of me. Please I really am not in the condition to give in to your wishes. I want you to be my sweet memory and a good friend, not your cute ex girlfriend who is still hot in bed with you.

My heart sinks everyday in the night when I look up at my ceiling reviewing my life. I feel like a slut. You were not meant to make me feel this way, but if this is how it works, then so be it. I know you are not wrong at your end. I have not been strong enough to take a stand. I have not been direct with you. I should have given you a fair chance, I didn't. I have screwed up. Alot. I have messed up your life and mine. But now, I want to walk away. I want to run into a corner in the hills, pierce my heart and let it bleed. It would ache everyday. It would cry every night. But it would shed no tear.

I want to cry. I want no shoulder. I want to jump off the cliff and let it out as I fall down. I want my body to float in thin air with no strings attached. I have fucked it up. I am at fault. I ruined it for G. I ruined myself. Walk away from me G before I do you any more damage. I can not forgive myself once again, for what I did to you, for what I am doing to you still, for what has become of me. Walk away for yourself. I do not want anybody. I know how to take care of myself. I will mess it up more than once, but I will learn.

I do not know what I have said in the post above. It is a cluttered mind put on web. After seven discarded posts came a lit Cigarette. Craving for Pot. An Overdose of chocolates. And a Cluttered Post.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I have had God's support and genuine prayers and support of friends, my test proved negative. :)

My First!

"Happy Birthday."
"Thanks baby"
"So, What plans for tomorrow?"
"The regular. Office. Mom. Grand mom. Dinner with friends, if they remember to wish me."
"Nice."
We talk for a good one hour about here, there and everywhere.
"You know L, every time I get horny, its only you I think about."
"Uuumm. Okay."
"Every time we did it on my bed. On my couch. In the kitchen. On your bed. In that room during our vacation."
And the list went on about all places we made out, kissed and were desperate to tear off each other's clothes.
"Aaa. Yeah."
"How I wish you were here with me right now."
"No. I do not think that is a good idea."
"Its not like we have not done it before."
"Yes, we have. But, this will just make things more complicated."
"Look, if you think, us having sex will make it all emotional for me. I assure you it will not. Its just casual sex. No strings attached."
"Look, you have been into casual sex. I haven't. I don't think I can ever be comfortable with it."
"L, its me."
"I know, it is you. Probably that is the reason why it is slightly more awkward."
"Do you want to do it?"
"Yes."
"Then you must know that this will not complicate things between us."
"I just do not know."
"You have no idea how hard, your playing hard-to-get has gotten me right now."
"Uumm. Okay... Maybe we should end this conversation here."
"Don't tell me you are not turned on right now."
Long time relationships make you feel like a fool. The other person knows you bloody too well.
"Yes. I am."
"What are you wearing?"
And that was it. We had phone sex after, I guess five months.
"Fuck! This was my first time."
"You liked it?"
"I don't know. I.. I just had my first casual sex." (Yes. PHONE SEX COUNTS!)
"LOL."
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY G!"
"Thank you, my love."
"Fuck! This was fucking good."
"Told you."
We talked a little more about here, there and everywhere.
"Good Night baby."
"Good Night Birthday Boy. Big Hug! Big Kiss!."
"Right back at you."











After 10 minutes, I pick up my phone again.
"What was this? Birthday Sex or Break-up Sex?"
Beep. Beep.
"Break-up Sex has a sense of finality to things."
I smiled. Curled. Slept.


Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - His Birthday month and I get a present too. Ms. R bestowed upon me the 'Cherry on Top Award.' Thank you, sweetheart. :)

Tik Tok on the Clock! But the part don't Stop!

My status message, "Why is same sex marriage not legal in this country? I would be so much happier spending my entire life with the love of my life, K. Gosh... Distance is really making the heart grow fonder. *Sigh*"

Her reply, "Oh my God! I want you, NOW! You surprise me time and again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you."

Her status message, "Wants L. Her laughter, smile, tears, love mean the world to K. Marry me L."

My reply, "I Do. (Background - And I now pronounce you woman and wife. You both may now kiss.) *SMMMOOOOOCCCHHHIIIEEE*"

I call. She answers.
"I Do."
"I Do too."
We burst into what I would call a fit of laughter.
"Gosh L. We must really get married."
"I swear. We would never get bored of each other. Have so much fun together. And be like the best couple ever."
'Men are very boring anyway."
"Also, you know I can not stay with one man all my life."
"Nor can I. We must seriously get married."
"I was so desperately calling you last night."
"Sorry baby. I was asleep. It was 3 when you called."
"LOL. Yeah. But guess what?"
"What?"
"I was talking to HK last night and we got all so when are you coming to this place and stuff and he was like I am coming soon. My girlfriend is there. IMAGINE!!! My heart broke into pieces. I have been crushing on this fool since SCHOOL. I feel like such a loser. It is like donkey years. When would I get over him?"
"LOL. Who?"
"Some really ugly chick from our school itself. IMAGINE! I mean if he really had to date our school junior, I was fucking there!"
"I think you should tell him."
"Well, last night I was just so fucking bored that i thought I will finally tell him about this crush that I have had on him for like forever but then this stupid conversation about his girlfriend started and I wanted to shoot myself."
"Trust me L, remember how much I crushed on SN. The moment I told him I want to date him. I have not answered his calls since that day. I was over him."
"So telling him means me getting over him?"
"Maybe he getting interested in you. He is in a long distance with an ugly weird girl. Ofcourse he will break up."
"LOL. But this crush is just so much fun."
"Yeaah."
"We should be together I am telling you."
"I honestly think we will end up living with each other. Cause no man would want to live with me."
"K, Like we can tolerate the men in our lives for too long?"
"LOL! I Love you L."
"Yes baby I Love you too."
"But do you really not like my boyfriend?"
"I have not met him since you started dating him, K."
"Come on. He is just so cool. He is nice. He is a dentist. Plays the guitar. Is getting his belly pierced. Wow! And what else?"
"K! What else?"
"Yeah like what else are his qualities?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"
'Make some up to make me feel good."
"K! You two come here. I shall meet and judge him and then you shall get my approval."
"Oh! Please like him. He is really nice. I will tie him to a pole when you come here next."
"LOL. Cool.... Hey! Imagine Polygamy is not an issue with us too."
"Yeah. We shall easily get our lays here and there."
"Exactly. And no issues with living with ONE MAN all your life. How the fuck do other women manage? Men are such a boring pain."
"Those women are fools. We can share ours."
"Hi5!"
"Hi5!"
"Gosh. We must start living together soon before I kill myself."
"No No L, you are not killing yourself."
"Obviously I am. I have broken up. Other men do not interest me. People I am surrounded with otherwise are choots and I hate my work. Argh. So fucking clueless about life."
'Baby, chill! This phase will go away in two months. Happens with everybody."
"Yeah. And until then I shall hide myself and drown myself in work and not see anybody's face."
"LOL. Like not see anybody's face."
'Else I will end up slapping the world. Most people annoy me to the core."
"Okay. Chill. I will be with you very soon. And we shall live together forever. As of now, I will go eat."
"Fuck! I hate you! I want to have mom made food too."
"I will cook for you."
"Pasta? And that daal?"
"Yes my love, with your curd, humus and rice."
"Now I am a happy girl. The way to your spouse's heart is through the stomach afterall."
"LOL. Love you L."
"Love you too. Muaah."
"Muaah."
"Bye."
"Bye."

Does life get better than this? NO FUCKING WAY! Nothing like having your girlfriends with you. And my best friend really does make my world go round. :) I Love you baby.

I am hooked to this chick party song. You just want to get dressed. Fight for the mirror. Share clothes make up shoes. Suggest Advice each other on the styling. Jump into the car with speakers pumping with loud music and hit the party scene having every guy ogle at you and you just have fun with your girls, all drunk. Listen Tik Tok by Kesha.



Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Hanging around!

"You want to sit outside and drink?"
"Outside is good."
"There you go..."
She passed the bottle of Bacardi to me.
As we sat in silence sipping white rum from the bottle, smoking our cigarettes on a cold winter night, there was this beautiful silence we shared.

"So, tell me something, L?"
I knew this was going to be a fun night.
"Well, there is not much to me. Except for my recent break up."
"I still haven't understood why did you break up... but... yeah... whatever."
We take another shot.
She continues, "So, G is the only man you have slept with?"
"Yes. And you?"
"Well, I have slept here and there but as of now I am on a dry spell."
"Well, I am sure I will be on that soon."
"Oh Shut up! Yours has just been a month."
"Exactly! And I have no idea when am I getting it next."
"Oh... that way."
"So, whats the scene with your ex?"
"Creepy. I was juvenile and then I just grew up but he didn't."
"Hhhmmm. What about the other men?"
"Well, I have had things here and there but no relationships."
"Okay."
"This one time, this guy went on and on about how he is so good in bed so I decided to give him a shot. It was the longest I had a sexual relationship with somebody."
"For?"
"For some three months. But I had a deal with him that he was not supposed to fuck any other woman except for me. And he was like, 'So, how is this not a relationship?' I was confused but yeah, i did not want to be just another woman he fucks around with. The moment he decides to get over with this or wants to fuck someone else, either of us, this 'thing' between us would be over. And that was that."
"Thats neat."
"Yeah. I did not want any strings attached."
"I guess I do too and that is why I made the decision that I did."
"I was also dealing with my break up."
"Yeah. And it always takes a random fuck to make things easier."
"That is what we all like to believe but trust me, it never works."
"What are you talking? I have been excited about that bit the most, post break up."
It was time for another 'Cheer's' with a burst of laughter at that moment.
"But really, it does not work."
"I know it doesn't. I am done with sex."
"Same here. Making out is fun but sex is...."
"It can be boring. Making out is the funner part."
"I realised this while having sex with this one guy. I just wanted to get over with it."
"Happens. Just so many times. You wait for your man to cum and just get done with it."
We light up another cigarettes.
"But are you looking for a relationship?"
"I do not mind having one, now. But I do not think I am a relationship person."
"Fuck! I think the same." We hi fived.
"The initial bit is fun..."
"The phone calls. The flirting. The mystery. But later it just gets..."
"Yeah. Why can't relationships last that way."
"Sigh. How I wish they did."
"Maybe I am not interested in a relationship at all."
"I for one am NOT."
We sat in silence, thinking about what we just spoke.
"I think its hitting me. You?"
"Not yet."

And then from nowhere,
"Do you want to get married?" It really had hit her.
"My parents really want me to."
"Do you?"
"Not for the next 10 years, I guess."
"No wonder they want you getting married."
"Well, according to my dad, at 25 you should have kids."
"Biologically yeah."
"Yeah. But that is not my plan."
"You do not want kids?"
"I do. But only when I am done slogging my ass off and have worked enough as per my satisfaction."
"Why is that?"
"Because I want to be a full time mother whenever that maybe."
"I have a feeling you will make a good mother."
"If only I am able to give them what I have planned. I would like to give every second of my life to my kids and see them growing every minute in front of my eyes and not some nanny's."
"You want to give up your career completely later?"
"Well, maybe not completely, but to a great extent, yes. This is something that i can think of because this is what I have seen. I have had my mother 24/7 with me. Why would I not want to be with my children all the time? I consider mothering a full time job which needs to be given justice."
"Wow."
":)"
"But you do not have to marry to have a kid?"
"Yeah. I don't but I would like to. I would like having a partner with whom I can grow too. It is not going to be the kid growing alone in the house, after all."
"Do you like somebody else?"
"Not at all."
"Do you wanna fuck somebody?"
"Well, I was just mentioning this to my best friend, like a Fuck Buddy, but on a serious note, I do not. Told you, done with the sex bit."
I have touched myself only once in the past 1 1/2 months since I last had sex with G in Goa.

His friend joined us. We rolled. We smoked. We got stoned. We hogged. We slept.

But WTF do we women really want? No sex? No relationships? Kids? Marriage? Work? Biological systems? Sociological systems? What exactly is it that we are looking for? Forget about men, Will a woman ever know the answer to this or are we always going to hang around fucking our heads or just compromise on life taking it as it comes?

Life is fucking complicated for a woman.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

And so....

"L, Are you okay?"
"Of course I am. Will you guys stop making a big deal out of it?"
"Look, if you want any kind of sympathy or support, we are there....", they could not say that properly and burst into laughter.

Thank you all for your comments on the previous post. It was quite a mental turmoil but I have figured out what is it that I need and would be right for me at this point of time, which meant a Break up. Yes, this Blog which began more than a year back talking about anything and everything concerning G, including details of our Sex Life, has now come to a sweet end for now.

We talk. We are still friends. There maybe some who may not believe in friendships beyond a break up, but we do. We still love each other and still talk the way we always do. We are still there for each other in the way we always have. We have not lost each other. We are still precious for each other. You can not let go off of such a strong bond in a jiffy. And I do not want to either. We are great together and shall remain great.

For those who maybe confused as to why then did I break up if everything has to remain the same, including the love for each other. As a friend said "you could not take the pressure of a 'label' of being in a relationship", is untrue as many of you may assume. The relationship was anything but a pressure on me. I do know that this big decision has been a selfish one but being in the relationship disheartedly for his sake would be unfair to him too. And by God's grace we share a relationship that is so free that I could afford to talk to him about this and take this decision, and the love so strong that he understood or maybe just pretended to for my sake.

All I know is that this is something I wanted for my personal self. There was something eating me up inside. There was something I can not explain but only understand. There was something telling me this would make a difference to the way I am feeling, and it has. I for some reason am feeling freer, feeling good about myself. I am able to see hope in my future once again. Dream again for self. Love myself more again. Not like all of this would not have been possible with him around but it just was not happening despite trying. But now, it is and I feel greater than before. Feeling this good would not have been possible if G would not have understood my situation. I honestly could not find a better guy. He is.... Chuck it. I do not want to put him in words and trivilise it. He is THAT good. He is my biggest support and will always remain that. If he did not stand by this decision of mine, I would be trapped in my own viscious web.

Thank you for being who you are. For being who you are to me. I may not want to face it on a daily basis but I Love you loads and feel a loss, but I am sorry. I surrendered in front of myself. I really was not able to cope with my own self. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I did not mean being one of your exes. I just ......

I Love you.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses

Stop Fucking with My Head!

Can not get myself to write this post for reasons I may know or may not. I guess I do. Yet I will.

As I listen to 'Hey ya' from Karthik Calling Karthik for the nth time today, I am writing something which I seem to be making a big deal of in my head for the past few days, maybe even weeks. Right or Wrong? Needed or Not? Over Reacting or Important? Just can not figure this out.

Why is it that when relationships are not perfect yet we choose to stay in them. Is it because we are hoping against hopes or because we just want to be in that relationship? What if this case is slightly different. Everything is perfect but you may not want that relationship? Maybe it is not about the partner but you.

Everything IS perfect between me and G. The relationship. The understanding. The conversations. The love. The commitment. The loyalty. The friendship. The trust. The sex. Just everything so perfect. I have not fallen out of Love with him either yet....

We have spoken, rather I have spoken of going on a break several times and tried too. The break would end before it commences. I love to have him in my life. But I do not want a relationship in my life right now, maybe. It is a big thing that I am saying right now. I have no idea what are going to be the repercussions of this. I may get all depressed after actualising my decision or may get really happy. Can not figure that out. When in deep thought, I do think I really want to be single but as time passes in that thought I feel I am happy in the relationship, nothing is wrong then why get out of it? What I want and What I have is just so messed up. I want no relationship but I have a relationship which is just so smooth, there is by God's grace just NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING wrong with it. What do I do in such a situation?

Maybe I know what I want but I stop myself thinking that it would sound just so stupid and I would end up hurting somebody I really Love. And that is something I do not want to do. I Love him still. Like hell and Like loads. Just because it is great, does that mean I should continue when I do not want to? I feel like having no relationship. Just be single.

It may not be this relationship but I feel tied down inside. And that is the reason why I am letting go of everything in my life, including this relationship. I have a feeling or maybe it is some psychological shit that I will feel freer when out of this relationship. I hate to feel this way, specially because to a great extent this relationship has helped me reach where I am. It has given me the confidence, support and encouragement that I needed desperately.

I guess I am clear, I hate to let him go. I will feel a great void in my life but I need to do this to myself. This is superly selfish but I am sorry G, I know you understand when I say I need to do this for myself. If we do not remain friends, it will be difficult for me to survive because I can not live without you in my life. It is just the whole 'relationship' thing that I do not want. You have been a great Boyfriend. Someone who would be great to introduce to your folks and then spend an entire lifetime cracking stupid jokes, actually good ones. Watch great shows and movies together. See more places, like we have done in the past. Have great sex all the time. Understand each other's professional and personal space just so frigging well. Get used to each other. But I just feel the need to turn onto a new leaf in life. You have always always been there to take care of me. Hear my smallest and stupidest of things. I am feeling stupid to have written all of this. But writing this was important. I would never be able to come to a conclusion if I did not write this. Having said this, I realize, NO. Writing this was not a good idea after all, I feel confused all over again.

:|

When will I DECIDE?

When I try clearing the confusion, I feel I should give up the relationship and start a beautiful life with myself, which I need to. And just when I am finalizing my decision I feel stupid about it and want to stay in the relationship, which makes me think about the relationship all over again, followed by the confusion and tadah! Here I am trapped in this vicious circle.

Argh.

I need to talk to G about this. Should I?

Kisses.

YAWN!

The phone rang.

"Sorry."

"You know Nate's phone rang and so did mine. I knew it. We are connected. Maybe I should marry him."
"Mate?"
"Nate!"
"What are you saying?"
"I am talking of Nate. Nate from Six Feet Under!"
"Oh! Nate..!"
"Yes, I know my blocked nose and fucked up throat makes everything sound so differ ant."
"Yes. It does."
"What do you think? Should I marry Nate? I wish I could marry that cute gay too. Darn! Why did he have to be gay?"
"WHAT are you saying?"
"Yes! I have been dreaming of this cute gay guy for the past three days. I met him months back and when I spoke to this friend of mine some three days back, she told me he was asking for my number."
"L! I can not understand you."
"Oh! Come on! He is really cute. I just want him to turn heterosexual for me."
"I am not jealous L, if you think."
"Of course you are not. You are not that type."
Why are you not, G? :(
"Just let me know when you want to break up with me, so that i am mentally prepared."
"Oh! Don't you worry that I would."
"Hmmm."
"So.....?"
"So what?"
"So, how was your day?"
"My day..... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...."
YAWN!
"...And then there is this match tomorrow between XYZ and JKL..."
YAWN "Yes..."
"And you of course do not know what I am talking about."
"No. But then you are talking and that is nice."
"Yeah." Given up.
"So what are you wearing?"
"How does that matter?"
"No. It does not."
"Of course it does not."
"Yes. No matter how much you may like me pouncing on you, it does not matter."
"Not like you are in the mood."
"Yes I am not but you can answer me."
"Not all questions are meant to be answered."
"Okay. I shall go and sleep now."
"Did you practice this conversation?"
"No. I do not practice any of my conversations. Why?"
Because you always sound so mechanical.
"No. Just generally."
"Oh! So you wanted to sound all hep."
"What is so hep about this?"
"I do not know. Why are you talking like this?"
"No. Just asked. Anyway, so you must be tired. Go to sleep."
"Do not make it sound like it is my fault."
"Well I am not. I mean it. Go. Sleep."
"I have had a tiring day."
"I understand and that is why I am saying Go and Sleep."
"But you are making me feel guilty about wanting to sleep."
"No. I do not mean it that way. I am serious. Go. Sleep."
"What are you wearing?"
"I do not know."
"This is the lamest anybody can get. 'I do not know' is the stupidest answer to any question."
"Hmmm."
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night. Sleep Well."

Phew.

This was one of our longer conversations. Lately, by which I mean some three-four months, we have just been talking too little and for some strange reason, neither of us feel the need to talk more. Ages, since we had a conversation. A random one or even a serious one. I guess we are bored.

And that to be honest is O.K.A.Y. Every relationship hits a high point, a low point and a bore point. It is bound to come when you love someone so much and know just about everything. You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing. You know what facial expression is going to follow after that sentence, and even complete their verbal reactions to it. They become predictable. Hence, boring.

It is rather hard to love immensely and hold interest, both, at the same time. We humans are a little too restless to handle both. I for one, definitely am.

"I am really pissed off."
"Okay. Then listen to the latest news."
"What?"
"I think I want to break up with G."
"What? Why?"
"Because I am bored."
"How boring is that."
"What?"
"You want to break up with him because you are bored in your relationship?"
"Yes. I need something more exciting. Something that is happening. There is just nothing happening in our relationship. We wake up. Walk our ways to office. Maybe talk for a minute or two again in the evening, only to say 'lets talk later' and then 'Good Night' around 11-12. It is so fucking mechanical. It is so routined. And I hate it."
"At least have an exciting reason to break up. Cheat on him!"
"You know I can not do that."
"Because you love him."
"YES!"
"Then why do you want to break up?"
"Because I am bored."
"Well, then make up a story of cheating on him."
"Hah. Like that is going to work. He will never believe me. He KNOWS me."
"Come on. He has a cock. He will get jealous."
"Well, there you go. One of the biggest advantages of having a fat girlfriend is being free of insecurities."
"That is not true."
"I know my fucking boyfriend and he knows me too. And THAT is our fucking problem."
"Well.... At least have an exciting break up."
"Exciting like what? Go. See him. Fuck him. And then break up with him."
"Yeah. That sounds fun."
"Do you realize I am in love with this guy?"
"Then do not break up."
"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am bloody bored."
"And you guys do not even fight."
"Exactly."
"Lets go out this weekend."
"I am desperate. I need a vacation so bad."
"Lets seriously plan this tomorrow when we meet."
"Totally. I need to get away from allot of things."

Now, I know what a want. The reason why I burst into tears the other day in front of everyone without any reason or even an obvious emotional trigger, shocking the living daylights of all the people around me was clear. The reason why G has been lately scared of what I say, how I say it and what I exactly mean is clear. The reason why I want to break up is clear. The reason for my mood swings is clear.

I am plain unhappy with myself. I am not a mechanical person, but I am living a mechanical life. I am used to of doing what I want to. I am living the dream I always envisioned but did not see it as robotic, which is how it has become. I have no time for myself. For my expression. To stop. To feel. To realize. To feel free. To feel me.

I need some time off. I need a BREAK, sans the 'up'. And a good conversation with G. A random one. Not a practiced and planned one.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Break Point

"Where are you?"
"Right there. On the stairs."
"I do not see you. Okay, I think I can see you..."
They saw each other, smiled and put their cellphones back.
"Hi L!", extending his hand.
"Hello!", as my chirpy self and we shook hands like two clients meeting for
the first time to discuss a grand marketing deal. Not like we were any better. We were ex lovers meeting for the first time.

"Shit! I can not believe I am sitting here with you."
I smiled thinking he was over reacting.
He gave that look again.
"Relax S! Do you want me to pinch you?"
"Wow!"
Okay! So, I was really in a relationship with HIM!
"So, How are you?"
"I am ecstatic. I am sitting with you here. What do you expect?"
Wow! So, someone could be that excited to see me that his ear to ear smile would not compress? Alright! He was always 'too into me'. And that was precisely the reason that drew me away from him.
"What will you have?"
"Coffee?"
"WHAT!? We meet for the first time and you want to have just coffee? You will have to eat something."
Phew! I am so happy this is not a date.
"I really do not want to. You order what you want to have."
"I did not have lunch thinking we will have it together."
"It is 16:30."
"So?"
"Umm. Okay. Lets order."
We take some 10 minutes to decide what counter to go to at the Food Court. And finally when he gets into a line.
"Will you have x?"
"No, thank you S."
"Okay. Will you have y?"
"No S."
"Z?"
"S!",giving him one of those stern GrandMa looks.
"No. This is not fair. You will have to eat something.", dancing like a stubborn kid who wants that toy else he will sit right there on the floor and cry for it.
Helplessly,"S!"
He tries one of the most pathetic puppy dog faces I have ever seen.
"Ice Cream! And that is it!"
He finally ordered. Phew! It was a task, I swear!
We sat on our table and once again came that look. Someone slap me for coming here!
"This is for you.", sliding a small packet with a card towards me.
"What is it?"
"A present for you."
"Why?" Do we women love this or what.
"Just like that."
"No S. I am sorry. I can not accept it."
"Look at it first at least. It is nothing great." WHAT!? TAKE IT AWAY RIGHT NOW!
"No S." Has any woman accepted a gift willingly no matter how desperately she wants it? Acting pricey comes naturally, like breasts.
After 5-10 minutes of being a typical woman, he takes the gift. WTF! I knew I was overdoing it. Darn!
He opened it himself and took out a shining Gold bracelet. Fuck!
"No way. I just can not accept this."
And he tries to push it on my wrist.
"S... S..." Looking at it more carefully, Oh! What was he thinking? It would have looked better in Silver.
"S... I really can not take this."
"Now, stop all this. This is not even expensive if you are thinking that." Err... Okay.
"S... Please. This is not needed."
"This is not even real." Whoa! O-K-A-Y. You do not really talk about your own gifts like that. Do you?
"S!"
And he almost started dancing in the same way sitting on his chair.
"Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. It is beautiful." Argh. How much do I hate formalities. They only teach you how to lie.
And the food came.
And he started to feed me his food. Alright, now this is too much embarrassment for me to take in one day. Thank goodness I was in a different country which I would not return to for long, at least, if not never.
"So, how is F?"
"Oh! She is good."
"Why didn't you bring her? I would have loved to meet her."
"She is out of town."
"Okay."
Changing the topic, "You are very bad, L. You are meeting me today when you are leaving tomorrow. Get your ticket cancelled."
"I can not. I have work."
"This is very unfair."
"I am sorry but I was here for a very short while, anyway. Yet I managed to call and meet."
He was about to start his whining and dancing when I interrupted, "So, How are things between you and F?"
"Not great. We are having too many fights. It is getting difficult."
"Marriage?"
"I do not know."
"What do you mean, you do not know? What about your parents?"
"What? What about them?"
"It is an arranged thing, no?"
"No."
"No? Then what was that long story about your mom seeing F in some gathering and fixing you up with her?"
"She was interning at my office."
"O-K-A-Y." What a Bastard! I always knew he lied to me, and that innocent face! He deserved what I gave him then. Huh.
He went on with his entire love story, "But it does not seem to be working out."
"Relax. Fights happen. It will work out. She sounds like a nice girl and you are a nice guy too. You both will make it happen." He actually aint that bad as a person.
"You think I am a nice guy?"
"Yes. I am sure."
"Thet n why did you leave me the way you did?"
"Look, that was a sort of a mistake. I was not too sure. I just did not know where this was going."
"We were together for four years. We had so much between us and you thought it was going nowhere? What did I not give you? What was missing, after all?"
Oops. Wrong topic. Someone save me! But honestly, I really wanted this to get cleared between us. Probably this was my main motive to meet him. To get it cleared once and for all, face-to-face.
"Nothing. You were very nice to me. You loved me allot."
"Exactly. Yet?"
"Look, I did not see this working out sitting in two different countries, chatting all our lives. And then I had different priorities."
"I told you I will let you do what you want to."
"It is easier said than done, S."
"L, if you tried and if you loved me enough, this would have worked."
"You think I did not try? Every time I was confused about our relationship and wanted to break up. I'd come back running to you, making efforts to make it work. We had everything. Everything was perfect."
Holding my arm tight in anger, "Then what? What was wrong?" I thought I would never be able to answer him that question until this moment in our conversation. I could have easily screamed G's name then. I had skipped too many heartbeats, scared of the man sitting opposite to me, now.
I was taken aback with his physical reaction or rather taken into that I had no reaction of my own.
"Look, you have no reason. You did not treat me right."
"I am sorry for what I did. I know I should have not run away from the relationship the way I did."
"If you would have talked to me, would I not understand? I always did, didn't I? Why did you have to cut all modes of interaction. Not replying to my mails, calls, pings, SMSs, nothing, whatsoever."
"Look, I am sorry. It was a naive move. I should not have done it. I should have spoken to you. You understand me really well. In fact, I still thing, no one understands me the way you do."
"Do you regret your decision?"
"Yes."
"Good. You better."
"I am sorry. Please. Really.", almost about to cry out of desperation. Desperate to get done with this situation, not to seek forgiveness.
"Would you marry me if things do not work out with F?"
"Ok, So I am your back up now?"
"No. You were my woman. The woman I wanted to live my entire life with, but you also happened to be the woman who hurt me the most, who betrayed me."
"S..."
"Anyway... Would you?"
"What about G, then?"
"Oh! Yeah, I forgot.", giving a disgusted look, he turned his face away.
"Lets see... Could I fit you....", smiling.
"Why would there be a place for me?"
"If things do not work out with G and if you are able to convince my parents, then maybe."
"Really?"
I nod.
"I'd do anything to be with you. To keep you happy. To..." Uh Oh! Wrong topic, again.
I smile, "Fine. When the situation arises then we would talk about it. And just in case it does not, we will have an extra marital. Deal?"
"No ya. F is a nice girl. I do not want to cheat on her."
Okay. So you think you are one Greek God who deserves to cut the cake, have it and save some in the fridge for the next day too.
"Alright. Enough of good talks and bad talks. We should leave."
"We just met."
"Its been over two hours. Someone is coming to meet me. I have to go."
"This is not fair. Give me your ticket. I am getting it cancelled."
"S. Stop acting like this. At least we met. Something we thought would never happen."
"I did not. You did."
"Fine. I did.."
"And that is why you left me."
"S..."
"Fine. I do not want us remembering our meeting with these conversations."
"Exactly. Now, shall we leave?"
We rise to leave, "L?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I please hug you?"
"Ofcourse."
It was our first hug. I contemplated kissing on his cheek, but did not. Just didn't.

I have not been happier of a decision in my life. Breaking up with him after a long 'why do I want to break up' discussion never worked. I always cried and ran back to him within minutes with virtual Yahoo! hugs and kisses. I really was attached to him. He treated me like a Princess. He still would. He just knew how to treat his Lady Love like a Queen and spoil her till she started dancing like him. But this was not going to work for me in the future. I had known this for long. I knew he wanted an early marriage. I did not even know if I wanted one. He was in one country and I in another. We could meet or even make it work without meeting, but would that give me personal satisfaction? It was not working for me. It was not going to work for us. I knew it. And I had to stop wasting my time in such a relationship.

Why hold onto something that would give me nothing but would take allot from me and the other person? I had to stop this and I did. I blocked him from my life, mind, heart, which was not easy but blocking him on the Internet and ignoring his calls and SMSs made it easier. And with time it faded until I realized this was not a mature way to go about it or maybe when I felt emotionally stronger to face him again, only to find out his marriage is fixed with F. I cried to just get the shock out of my system.

My friend once said, "L, you think you will walk up to him after a year and he would still be there for you?" I fought over confidently. I knew he would. He was the sorts. Apparently, he was not. I did not feel a deep loss, just a bolt to my humongous ego. That is it.

Because this, undoubtedly, was so far the best decision I had ever taken for myself. The second was G. I am happier in life. I know what I am doing. And doing it effortlessly. Loving every bit of it.

Sorry S, I lied. I do not regret. WTF!? Did I really say 'yes' to him on that? Fuck Fuck Fuck! SLAP SLAP SLAP!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Conversations to Contraceptives

"My guy went bald."
Laughing my ass off on her pitiable situation, "WTF! Why?"
"Because he wanted to."
"And he is not even the kinds who would look hot with no hair. Fuck!"
Came a sad "Yes" to that.
Filling the silence with a loud laugh, I can sense her anger.
"I am ditching him very soon."
I stop, instantly.
"Fuck! Why?"
"Because I have many reasons to... I can not have a decent conversation with him. He is not even great in bed. Well, he is not bad, but he isn't great either. My ex was."
"Are you serious?"
"Very. My best friend-cum-back-up boyfriend is coming next month. I will have fun with him."
"Yeah. Lets plan a trip."
"He is coming in the last week."
Adding to the bitchiness, "Your birthday is around the same time. Break up with your guy after that and we shall leave immediately for the trip. At least when he tries tirelessly to get you back, you will be far far away."
"That makes sense. He is such a baby. Wants to be pampered all the time and OH MY GOD! He is going to cry SO MUCH!"
"Exactly."
"And of course, he will call all his friends and bitch about me."
"Is that not obvious, considering it is HIM."
We laugh.
"Why were you dating him in the first place?"
"Have you heard this from anyone else L that when you break up you immediately want to get into another relationship to feel good. That is exactly what I did. Without even thinking twice, I just went ahead with it."
"I know I know."
We both contemplate in silence for a moment.
"L?"
"Hmm?"
"When will I find MY guy? Someone who is perfect."
"Soon baby."
"What soon. I am kissing every frog that is coming my way yet nowhere close."
"We all learn from our mistakes."
"My ex was better than him, L. I seem to be making more mistakes than before."
"Hhhmmm. Now, be careful. You should only get better with men, not lower your standards."
"Exactly."
"So keep kissing, one of them will turn into YOUR Prince."
"That makes me feel good."
We smile.
And she jumps, "You know something?"
"What?"
"My guy is such an ass. He ate Viagra the last time we went on our short vacation."
Now, this one was really crazy.
"Why?"
"Because he wanted to TRY."
"TRY VIAGRA?"
Obviously I felt the reason for him to be 'not great' in bed was apparently THIS. Fuck! He is young. Why on earth should he need a Viagra? LOSER!
Feeling terribly bad and good for her(Bad because he needed it and Good because hopefully this might satisfy),I collect myself and say a long, "O. K."
"He took it the night we were traveling. And if you do not have sex after taking it, you end up getting high fever."
This is just getting better.
"This one time when you guys could have had 'Great Sex'. He did this. Why did he not take it earlier even if he just wanted to TRY."
"I have no idea. And you know it lasts you for half an hour."
I just sank in sympathy for her.
"Its alright baby."
"Yeah. He is cute anyway."
Sympathetically I agree.
I could not stop thanking God for G. I could not stop being proud of him either.
"So, Hows G?"
She caught my thought.
"He is 'great'."
"Good."
She comes back to her complaining in no time.
"You know, we have nothing in common. No proper conversations. Nothing."
"What do you talk over the phone when you do?"
"Well, I do the talking."
"What do you talk?"
"I talk. Here and There."
"And that is?"
" I say I Love you."
LOL.
"All night long?"
"Almost."
"I am glad G and I can have decent conversations whether we have something common in us or not."
"That is really nice."
"And important too. I can not tolerate an unintelligent man."
"AAAaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh...."
"I AM BREAKING UP WITH MY GUY! Not even waiting until my birthday."
"The Gifts?"
"Oh yes! I will take the gifts and then ditch him. It is like Love for him is giving allot of expensive gifts to your Girlfriend."
"Love for G is...."
I shut up because I know he is a sensible guy and one more snooty sentence to show how 'great' my guy would make her scream louder, so I change the topic completely.
"You know, the month is coming to an end and I have not had my periods yet. I am freaking out."
"Why? You guys did not use condoms?"
"Both. Condoms and Pills. I leave no room for that 1% too."
"Then. Stop freaking out. It must have just got delayed."
"I know. It has happened earlier too yet..."
"Its alright."
We have interchanged roles of "Its alright" and "Its not". This continues for a good 10 minutes.
"But I had it around the same time that I was suppose to have my periods. And you know chances of fertility are the highest at that time. And if he is overly potent even one drop could do wonders."
Considering he rammed me for half an hour straight and we came thrice. Anything could be possible. His condom was loaded. What if it tore? What if there was a hole? We are such a horny couple that a meeting that was suppose to last just a few hours over coffee and food ended up in wasting an hour looking for a room to fuck and finally taking the risk of time and landing up in his own bed.
"You took the pill, right?"
"Yes. I did. Yet. What if?"
"If you are so perturbed. We will get the pregnancy test tomorrow and check it. Okay?"
"Yeah. I have the same in mind."
"Good. Now lets get back to work."
And we hang up.

Now, something that was just a passing thought became a strong fear. Thanks to her guy. If he was not that big a loser and my friend was not so irritated with him. She would not have endlessly listed out his faults and I would have not been coaxed into changing the topic to something that was just a passing thought. (Most women think they are pregnant if they miss their period by more than two days. I was no exception.)

I call G endlessly. He is busy. FUCK! The fear just growing.
What if I am?
But I have had sex just twice in the past six months. Should not be possible.
But I had sex in February, i.e., a month and a half back. Then I had it last week, which was a crucial week. So, I COULD BE Pregnant.
Fuck! I also remember seeing a drop cum(his or mine?) near my vagina.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
OK.
Relax.
Even if I am. I can get aborted easily. No issues with that at least.
But how sad and ironical is this. There, my sister is trying to have a baby for the past 7 years and here I am thinking of getting rid of one.
What if someone sees me visiting the Doc. for an abortion?
What if I am Virgin Mary and have got pregnant despite the I-Pill and Durex?
What if ... What if... What if...?
So many situational thoughts were making me mad.
Call G again.

"I have not got my periods yet."
"You will get them."
"What if I am pregnant?"
"You can not be. We took a two level protection."
"Yes. But still."
"L, I trust the brands we use."
"Yeah. What if?"
"You are not pregnant L."
"No G. Yet... What if I am... We had sex when I must have been ovulating."
"Fuck. It was that period when we had sex?"
"YES!"
"OK. Don't worry. I can still doubt the condom for a while but not the pill. So relax. Wait for a few days."
"I think I will take a Pregnancy Test."
"Yes. Do that."
"OK. Bye."
And I leave immediately to get one.

When I come back. I felt like Juno. I drank liters and liters of all possible liquids to pee. And I peed but the fucking sample dropper's hole was so thin that despite all the peeing I did not have a drop in the dropper. I pee again. Not enough for the dropper to take.

I was getting desperate by the minute to test and unfold the self created mystery. I pray to God hard. Almost promising 'No Sex', then I change my mind and make corrections in my prayers. I give up on trying to pee sitting on the pot for half an hour. Not knowing when I will pee next I call G again, cranky, "I am not able to pee."
"You think calling me will help?"
"No. But still. I want to pee."
He laughed.
O.K. I agree it was funny. Hearing your girlfriend who desperately wants to pee but is not able to. We have heard of constipation. What was this? OK. Sorry, I had peed but was not able to collect. Yet, what if someone wants to pee and is not able to. What is that called?

I drank and drank. And finally it came when I was least concentrating. Maybe my concentration was disturbing my pee. It was shying away. (What am I talking?) Thankfully I saw a bottle before I enter my washroom and get a bright idea. NO MORE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS PEE! I take the bottle cap and collect it in that. Finally I took the test! After a minute or two, I saw one line coming. I look at it closely. It was getting dark slowly. I start imagining another line appearing too. Guess, it was just the fear. I stare at it till JUST ONE LINE BECAME BRIGHT RED and assured me that it was NEGATIVE. Phew!

I am now waiting for that asshole of a period to come. Second Possibility - DIET! I need to check my diet too. Fuck! Does that mean I am not eating right?

Being a woman is not easy, my love.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

Being There!

The most important promise in a relationship - 'I shall always be there for you.'

What is this Promise after all? When are the moments when you need to fulfill this promise? And How do you do that?

He was being nice. I knew I was cold.
"Look L, I can not have a conversation with a person who just does not say anything."
"Fine. Then let us just end it."
"What is wrong with you? Why are you talking like this?"
"Talking like what?"
"L..."
"Look G, I do not want to talk. We will talk later."
"What is it? Tell me. When did our relationship reach at a level when you would talk of breaking up? What have I done? Please tell me."
I sob. And sob. And cry endlessly. Having a two hour conversation where I tell him about how I do not get to talk much because either I am interrupted or the conversation ends before I start talking. I say a hell lot of other things. Things I do not remember. Things that made no sense. Things I regret saying. Things that were irrelevant. Things I did not mean. Things which were important. Things which had to be talked about.

I was unhappy. Upset. I was not feeling good for over two weeks because of myself. I think I was guilty about something. I think I was cheating someone I love. I think I was not loving myself at all. I was not being that part of me, which I was most proud of. I was plain unsatisfied and unhappy. It was killing me from inside. I needed a friend desperately. I wanted to hug Aj and K and talk. Just be with K and have fun. Wanted to forget everything with her.

G thought it had something to do with our relationship. He went on and on about how he or the relationship maybe responsible to make me feel like that. I hung up more times than I had decided. This constant rant about him or the relationship made me feel worst. I did not know how to explain I AM UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF REASONS I DO NOT KNOW OF. I JUST NEED YOU TO BE THERE. He insisted he was. He always was. He still is. But I wanted more of him. Something he did not understand. I decided to kill the ego and explain "G. I know you are there but if I am asking you to be there for me means I need more of you. I need an assurance. I need to be reminded. I need to feel that 'Yes! You are there'. I need you to hold me. I need you to tell me 'L, Whatever it is. I am there with you. It will pass. I will be through all of this with you. Holding you tight.' I know all of this. I know this is a phase. I know you are there. But knowing by myself does not seem enough. I really want you to act like being there."
And then came his response to a speech, a sobbing explanation that was longer than it appears here, "Okay".

I laughed my ass off. It was so funny. I could not help but laugh. ALL he had to say to all the sobbing begging and emotional outburst was an O.K.. I could not believe my ears. I told him, "You make me feel like a loser bitch begging for something she deserves." I also told him, "I thought you would be a friend but ..." And he said, "I am. When I can sit hear and understand my ex then it is definite that I can understand and I would make the effort to understand you better." I know I said allot of nasty things to him. I regret bringing up 'break up'. I hated myself at that moment. Wanted to slap and punish myself for saying that.

We hung up after that 'O.K.'. Yes, I gave up. Ten million call backs had already made me feel I was important. He wanted to sleep over it. I did not. I had slept over it enough. I guess somewhere I had given up the hope of him understanding my state. Something that hurts, but I understood. I explained myself that I am hurting myself with too many expectations. Sometimes somethings are really beyond a man's understanding. Women are complicated. They are difficult to understand. They are difficult to handle.

We did go to sleep. At least before we slept, he assured me that he loves me. Though I was still craving for a hug from him. If he had said that, it would have ended all matters there and then.

The next day we talk. I was confused. I had not said even a single 'I Love you' last night. I wanted to now. And I sent a simple mail. Switched off the phone. But could not stay that way for too long. He called immediately. We spoke. I was not too good yet he tried. He asked if I wanted to talk about last night. I refused. I decided to give it up and at least try to let go off it. I had issues with myself. Why was I turning this into bigger issues in my relationship? He tried. He tried very hard. I had to smile. I had to apologize for my behavior last night. He apologized too for 'not being there'. We smiled. Laughed. Joked. I begged again, 'At least give me a hug. I have been wanting one for so long.' 'You know L, I am not a hug person.' 'But I am.' 'OK. Take a big hug.' That was enough. It solved the matter between us. I reconciled with myself gradually too.

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' (understand by himself). :P

*************************************************************************************

Friend 1

It was like God conspired to make me think and understand the value of 'being there'. I meet a friend on the same day. She wants her guy 'to be with her' but he probably does not want to. He is too busy. She needs him but does not ask him to be there because she does not want to bother him. She blames herself of being too demanding. It made me think. Was she right? Is blaming yourself of being too demanding when you need the person you love is the right thing to do? Is asking somebody to just assure them of their presence too much to ask?

*************************************************************************************

Friend 2

This one is an online one. Same day. I had one of the weirdest conversations with this one. He was depressed. Wanted to talk. Needed a friend 'to be there' and hear him. I said I was. But he refused on the grounds that I was not a 'real person'. Accused me of being a 'desktop icon'. I was not capable of 'being there' only because he did not know my real name and location. I argued he knew me more than anyone in this world. Anyone who reads my blog knows me more than anyone else in my life. My readers probably know me more than I know them. And knowing a person matters more than knowing the basic information about them. But he chose to remain in his depressed world despite the offer from a 'computer generated chatting software'. I was too 'unreal' to be a friend, for him.

Yes, it had hurt. It had hurt to know I was being considered unreal in a place I am most real. It made me think how 'being there' is a hard job to do. People need people at a time when they are going into a shell of depression and unhappiness. That shell blocks all your thinking power and you refuse whatever help is coming your way. You act difficult in accepting the person who is willing 'to be there for you'. You hurt the same person and lose them forever. You become what you had dreaded - Lonely.

*************************************************************************************

G spent days making me smile, laugh, just 'being there'. He said, "I want to make up for those days when I did not know you wanted more of me."

Thank you God. Thank you for giving me a man for whom everything about me is important. Thank you! Thank you for that every person in my life whom I love and who love me. Thank you for being nice to me. Please forgive me for the times I have tried cheating on you. For the times I have cheated on myself and the people I love. I am sorry to have hurt anyone on this planet. Forgive me for not being nice to others and myself. Help me not to repeat these mistakes. Help me to get back to what I was. I want to be free. I want to be me, again. I Love you God. I Love you G. Thank you for the friends in my life. You send them closer to me when I need them. (Aj and K are coming to town. :D) Thank you for the family that loves and cares for me more than themselves. Thank you for these patient blogger friends. Thank you for the beautiful life you have given me. I do not want to be unhappy and show ingratitude for the gorgeous life you have gifted me. Thank you! I can never Thank you enough, yet Thank you once again. Hugs. (Imagining God hugging you is the most comforting feeling.) :)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love is a Funny Game

"Were you expecting something?"
"YES! My Flowers!"
She laughed, "Your Black Roses have arrived."
She hung up.

"Oh my Fucking God!"
"What happened? Who called?"
"It was my sister. My flowers have arrived."
"Are they not late?"
"I was not here, remember? So, they are bang on time."
"Wow..."
Cutting in, "And they are BLACK ROSES! FUCK! I can not get over that."
"Black Fucking Roses! Where did he find those?"
"I do not know and I do not care."
Drooling. Looking up.
"You know. I must have told him some random time of the day that I love and crave for Black Roses and Good Lord, FUCK! I don't believe he has sent me BLACK ROSES!"
"Lucky Bitch."

I run back home. The distance from P's house to mine seemed the longest that day. I just could not wait to get home and see what do my Black Roses look like? What is written in that little card?

I bang open the door to an irritating sister whom I had to chase, scream at and finally bribe for a movie to give me my hidden flowers. I find a beautiful bright bunch of Red and Yellow Roses. The thought of Black Roses had vanished. They were flowers from G. My first Valentines Day flowers. What more did I need. So what, if those flowers were begged for, from G ;). My sister thought it was cheap of me to ask him for flowers on our first Valentines. I did and I am not ashamed of it. :)

"You got my flowers?"
Panting, "Yes."
"Do you like them?"
Still panting, "Yes."
"You sound disappointed."
"I traveled, ran and screamed too much for these flowers. The excitement is going but I love them."
I assured him. He understood.

I wake up to those flowers everyday. They are kept right up on my head. The first thing I see when I shut and open my eyes are the yellow and red roses protruding out of the vase.

He thinks, we women find happiness in very small things. True. All women I know love the small things more. In fact, this one friend of mine is showered by expensive gifts at least 5 days a week. She hates it. She has actually started throwing his gifts away. It is easier to please women than it seems. My sister proved it to me in a big way today.

She was on a verge of a serious divorce. This issue was not taken too seriously by neither her husband nor her in laws, despite my parents getting involved. She had all the reason to leave him and never go back. It is never about a mistake when we break relationships but about natures. Unfortunately, he has some serious problems, which we could all see.

"He is coming tonight."
"So, finally after three months he thinks he should come here and ask you to come back?"
She smiles. She has defended him all through her 7 years of marriage with this smile.

They talk all night. They talk all through the day.

"L, I do not feel anything. I know what I want. I thought, his face would make me doubt my decision, but no. It just does not. And I am happy. I do not want to go back."

Mom goes to talk to him and is out of the room in no time, sobbing. She could not see his 'Sorry face'. Momssss.

By the evening, we are expecting him to leave.
"I think I want to give him another chance."
I look her straight into the eye, questioning why?
"L, I am a God fearing person. I do not want God questiong me, Why did I not give this man ONE chance. Maybe he will change....
I have never seen him cry like this before. He is promising he will change. I want to try. I do not want to regret later that I did not give him any chance."
"You are doing this for yourself or God?"
"Both."
"Okay."
She stands looking at me waiting I would react in a more expressive way. I am too shocked to do that. She sits bside me.
"I want you to try and like him too."

She knows I do not like him. I have had a disgusting past with him, where he has felt me. Not once, but many times, despite the warnings, untill last year when I yelled at him in front of my sister. He managed to convince her that I was assuming and misunderstanding it all. Anyway. Fuck that.

"I will try, just as I did in the last 7 years."
"That was faking. I want you to really try. He genuinely considers you as his sister."
"Right."
This was our second uncomfortable long silence. The first, when just to make it easier for her and end the matter I accepted that I maybe assuming about her husband. The second was again in his favor.

"To be honest. I do not find your decision right."
"I know. I can see it all over your face."
"I fail to understand how can this decision taken in minutes be stronger than the decision taken in years?"
She expects me to understand and I assure her that I will.
"I will be happy, when I see you happy."
We end it there. Mom is happy because she thinks he deserves another chance on human grounds.

They all go out for a movie.

I stay at home. Speak to G. He sings for me. Coaxes me to tell him what is wrong, but I do not feel like talking about it. Its something that is making me think.

Am I someone who is always encouraging people to break off their relationships?

Every time I see P unhappy, I tell her to walk out of her relationship. I was the first one to support and encourage my sister to take this big decision. I have always believed, if you are not happy in a relationship, move out. Do not make a joke out of it by dragging it on some silly grounds. I have encouraged break ups and divorces for one reason and that is to make them believe that 'it is alright to move on and choose a happy life for yourself.' But, am I wrong? Am I, the one taking rash and harsh decisions of breaking up a relationship? (even if it is for ohers) It makes me go crazy. I do not want to be responsible for encouraging people to break up. I just want to encourage people to love themselves and be happy.

She asked, "If G asked you for a second chance, would you give it to him?"
"Depends on how much has he hurt me?"
"I agree. Yet?"
I did not answer. I knew my answer. I would not.

He called. We spoke. He sang to me. Narrated some stupid Pineapple joke, just to make me laugh. I would.

I love G so much that I would give in to the demands of my heart and give him another chance if he'd hurt me to the extent of a break up. And just then, I hear a door bell, as if my moment was being filmed for a Bollywood Feature.

"It is a courier for you."
It is from G. There is my Valentines Goody Bag. A pair of beautiful earrings, I can not wait to wear for him. Two DVDs he had promised he would send me. A box of heart shaped dark chocalates which I was praying for just a minute back to help me stop the unstoppable tears. And my Valentines Day card, which said, "we are fucking good tiogether." We are.

Love is funny. When they come back from the movie. I will help her believe that I accept her decision. Though I desperately pray she sees a far better future with him, now. And lives happily ever after.

I Love you G. No matter how hard I tried keeping you away from my troubled state. You were there to make me feel good, in the form of flowers, songs, cards, chocalates and in thought.

Thank you God. I Love you. Happy Valentines Day to all of you! Special V Day Hugs and Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.