Emotions are a Man Made thing.

Exhausted. Physically too. Can not. Do not want to write. Been avoiding for months. Still want to. But something tells me if its not now, it will have to be a Doctor.

I came out of the theater, whimpering, like a cat. Skyfall had nothing to do with it. But the world was crumbling inside my head. I longed for peaceful moments but that night I dreaded it. It was not going to be easy spending the next one week alone in a house in silence. Especially calculating his arrival and knowing of hers.

CT was going to come to town again. And his new love and BG's old was already in town - R.

Funny, this world is. Before I knew BG, he fought, thew tantrums and insisted I was R, the love that broke his heart and he was never the same again. She was married and she played along with him during her trying times. Sought comfort in him. Got him addicted to her and then left him. BG, heartbroken. Waited to give up his world for her. To go to any lengths. That's what you do when you are in love, right? But she vanished and came back only to call him a good friend she would seldom meet over drinks.

Apparently, I had known R all along through her blog. And so, we met. We took instant liking to each other.

By now, BG was a happily married man. He had accepted her wandering and his heartbreak. Sometimes, you can still see it in his eyes when he speaks of her. There is some amount of anger, some sadness, a spoon of disappointment and a jar full of shattered dreams.

R and I grew fond of each other. Bonded over other common online friends, cigarettes, alcohol, books and writing.  She called me a kid. She treated me like one. Something told me, her encouragement towards my work was more out of what she had left behind unfinished. Like aspirational parents, who want their unfinished dreams fulfilled by their children. She was also moody. At the drop of a hat, she would snap and judge people. Disliked most. Made the effort of liking very few. Almost like she did not care. Almost like she genuinely did not have an opinion about these people. Almost like she had a vengeance against this world and to survive she would pretend to like a few. The vengeance was strong. You could feel it even in her silence.

R left her humble small unknown town in the name of love for a big big city life. She had been to two different cities for education and work before. But she was still that small town girl. She, still is.

I have no idea what had happened but once in her drunken state she told me, 'I packed all my bags and left in the name of love to that big city and ended up being heartbroken. I could have come back. Instead, I embraced the city. Fell in love with it." Subtext:  I immersed myself in its ugliness and its noise. I let all that take over the heart ache and piled it with ambition and hard work. She used her anger and aggressiveness in her work and became the successful workaholic woman cliche.

No, she is not single, so to say. She met another man after her heartbreak. Almost a decade older. Nothing in common. And not in love too. He was a mere distraction and an escape from the screams inside her head. Or so she thought.

Her quest to find that lost love. To find her happy smiling content self continues. Many men walk past her way. She smiles, invites and traps them in her darkness and her mystery. Mesmerized, these men follow the path she carves for them. Like characters of a book, she is writing. Sometimes, I think she is so aware of it that she intentionally uses it in her favor. Not exactly to let out her heart ache but then its easier to carve a story around characters you have seen and met.

Look deep in her eyes and they look helpless. Like prisoned by the anger of her heart. Innocent. Helpless. Sad. They look like the kind of eyes that still cry on her soft expensive pillows. The wine stains on the bed sheet speak of the life she had not imagined. She could not handle. And in this quest, she met the ever charming and intelligent CT. CT, who has been mentioned rather fondly in the past few posts.

For a long time, I was confused. The thought disturbed me that CT and R could be having a 'thing'. Ct is a lot younger and she, married. This restlessness was shared with BG, who after hearing everything, asked just one thing, "Is he a Charmer?"
"Very. I fell for it." And that I'd like to believe is a huge thin for I hate to trust men and most definitely recognize their tricks. Here, for once, I failed. And miserably so.
"Well, if he is a great charmer then only a woman more charming than him could charm him."

Reality Bites. I found my answer despite BG taking advantage of his friendship with R and actually confirming it. She confirmed the positive.

R has all of a sudden stopped talking to me. CT, I do not want to talk to. I have lost all respect for the man which makes me angrier. Angrier to the extent that I find myself killing CT and R in my dreams. Not once, but repeatedly so. I cry in anger to sleep wanting to finish it all and move on like I never knew them. Like I was unintentionally unlearning things about K, my best friend.

K, her brother and I, now live together. A dream we saw as little girls is now a nightmare. That is another story. Another miserable one, which shall be talked of in the next post.

CT is in town right now. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to hear that voice. I am sure R knows about us which explains her sudden disliking for me. That explains why CT would not talk. Would not meet for it would piss R off. She controls him. And some amount of it, he needs, being aware of his philandering nature.

Six months back I gave CT and my common friend a gift I customized and got made for CT. All I wanted was the friend to give the gift to him on this trip on his. Only and only because I want that burden off my head. Also maybe, deep down in my hearts, I wish he would realize how thoughtful that gift is and appreciate his loss. Or just know how much I thought of him and what I must be going through right now.

I smirk as the next thought hits my head - "I want him to feel all the pain I suffered because of him." And if not him, who knows I may want to start throwing this pain, this anger back at the world. Just like R does. I dread that future.

I want to hang onto my hopes. I want to believe in my happy carefree self again. I am happy not having or discovering a dark side. I have no intentions of finding myself waking to a wet pillow and no pants because a lazy douchebag thinks I am his phone sex partner. Every night after a few too many drinks and spliffs that seem never ending, I do not want to find myself looking for temporary comfort. Failing at my innumerable attempts at forgetting this pain. Forgetting CT. Forgetting my love for him, in the arms of another man. I do not want to lock my room and scribble my feelings on the wall, somewhere feeling I may need serious help. I do not want any help. I do not want to admit my addiction. I just want to get over it. CT has become that drug I am addicted to and knowing I can not have it makes me whimper, makes me angry, makes me want to kill people, makes me want this world to end, makes me sure I want to lie alone naked in a house with no human contact for days, months, maybe years. What's the funniest? I do not even want him. He is an asshole I will never have any respect for. He has only gotten me addicted to him like probably R has him addicted to her. One oh her many men.

I finally have lost my faith in love. I have lost my strength to hold onto any hopes. Lets get real. This world was never made for emotions. We were sent here as animals. Like K said to me once, "You can never love. You are such an animal. You just fuck." Ladies and Gentlemen, that's my best friend for over a decade telling me that with absolute seriousness. I let it pass but that I will hold against her. She had no right to say something like that to me when she is not even interested or has a clue what I feel for CT and what I am going through. This is the 'best friend' of my life, I live with.

Despite reading all of this, if you still expect me to move on with my life and hope and expect how unexpectedly things will change for me one fine day. I am sorry. I have not just given up. I have lost a game with no second chances. Lost my belief in my strongest value of 'Loving without expectations'. BECAUSE FUCKERS! PEOPLE EXPECT! AND THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU LOVE THEM YOU FUCKING RECOGNIZE THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY TO DO THINGS FOR THEM! I, have done, if not everything, yet I can proudly say, I have. I have fucking followed my heart (who was that fucktard who told me that?) and taken my risks time and again. I did today too in the middle of this post. I said I do not want to meet CT but I asked him to see me and he said he had plans. I knew it would turn this way. But I did. I took my chances. I have just been taking chances time and again, time and again, time and fucking again. But like they say right, somethings never change. My failures have not. My disappointments increase in a multitude, though. Every friend I ever banked on. Every tiny little thing makes me realize how most of my friends are not interested in my life. In what I may have to say. In what I may feel. They are there because I am there for them. Or maybe because I never told them about anything that ever mattered. I just don't. I just can not talk as much as I may want to. I can not think of a single person I can just hold, bury my face under their arm and cry till I sleep off in their lap and wake up to them smiling and making me feel like it is all fucking right. If I did not tell anymore because I wanted to make them feel like its no big deal then it really isn't. I want that person to smile and tell me it was all just a terrible terrible nightmare and its a bright new day. Its all the same as I left it more than a year back. Its all OKAY, in the real sense of it. I just want that smile to wrap me and make me believe all that I have unlearned. Make me that happy innocent smiling child again. Remove the chirpy mask and still find the awesome me that is confident, smart and happy. Just so fucking happy, I used to be that it confused people. Now, it doesn't matter to them. Such is world. Such is Life.

I have no idea what am I going to make of myself. But something extreme awaits this time.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.
LSL

Walking on the Wild Side

I was so confused as a little child trying to make sense of love, of men of sex. I thought old people were hornier for they had more kids than our parent's generation because according to me people had sex just to make babies, which means two kids = had sex twice in life. Yes, I was a kid. Now, a whore? No. Definitely not. The music in me tells me its a good fuckin' life.

CT was loved. CT broke my heart. Common friend calls

"Do you know AB?"
"No."
"She is CT's new love interest."

This conversation while CT is in front of him. He denied loving her, being interested in her. But she landed in his city to see him. To surprise. Only, he was shocked. He didn't appreciate the impulse yet welcomed the 'shock' and took care of her. Told her this was not meant to work. She asked him to give her a baby boy and she would live with it for the rest of her life in a pilgrimage. *shakes head* Who talks like this today? CT came out clear to me and all our common friends calling her a psycho and started flirting with me once again. Ofcourse, I responded but cribbed to a friend as to wtf this was. On her insistence, I sent him a song pouring my feelings, he did not take it seriously and I thought I screwed up. He wrote something about a 'fat bitch' and I thought I came across as someone pushy to him and felt worst about self. Cribbed to K. And the best solution to a heartbreak is drinking endlessly with friends and meeting new people. Hence, was done.

Drinking smoking, like life is good. The music helped the sorrow fade away. The pain of his ignorance and a confession that got no response was healing in smoke circles of hash and big gulps of Bacardi. The best bit about regular pubs is meeting friends who are regulars there too. Bumped into V, a neighbor, a friend and a regular. We chatted like always but who knew going back home together would mean the same this time too. V and I had no chemistry.

"Do you want to go back home together?"
"Sure."
On the way.
"Do you have any alcohol at home?"
"Yes. Beer?"
"Excellent."
Conversation from our same roots, our childhood, education, politics were taken over by music once home.
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"I am not much of a reactor." Followed by some personal anecdote about some nondiscrimination, cause that is the word I heard.
"You still haven't answered my question."
"What?"
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"Eeerr... I do not know how to react on this. " After a long pause. "Everything is good man."

He got off his chair which was a feet away from me and leaned. Led me to my room and undressed me like this was all that was on his mind. He was rather different in bed. Can not say, good or bad, but different. Also, considering I had regrown my virginity after almost a year of no 'humpy action', I was in a sorted place. Stoned. Drunk. Horny. Both of us. We did it twice. He stayed back, cuddled and slept. Just the perfect end to a heartbreak. My life is a fucking movie! Yes, I also made morning tea for him and he left with my mug. Neighbours, you see.

As soon as he left, I check my phone and find a text from CT saying he has a stop over in the city for 3-4 hours. And yes, we met. He, me and our common friends. I thought it would be very awkward between us because of the conversation we had yesterday but it was not. He hung out all night as friends, laughed, flirted and he made one of the best home made coffees I have ever had. Told me and the friends about AB's antiques and how he wrote the 'fat bitch' for her friend who was talking slyly about him. CT was looking for books in my room when I walked in and he pulled me in to hug. It was a hug I was longing for and loving every second wrapped around his arms. I have not found such comfort anywhere but in his arms. Its warm. I melt and forget the world. We kissed. (D'uh!) We all left to drop him and all through the way I slept on his shoulder, he played with my hair, stole kisses and he sang in my ears through the way. It was perfect. It was comfortable. Just so comfortable! The kind that a craving pregnant woman finds in her chocolate ice cream at 3:00 AM. Yes, that. And then, he left. We were in a happy place, once again. As I saw him go, I saw my heart turn away. It did not sink, did not smile, did not break. No questions asked. No answers given. For nothing was felt. No emotions left. And once again, I was emotion less. Left wanting to feel the feeling called 'love' but it was misunderstood in CT's case too.

My feelings confuse me in the strangest ways. Sometimes I think I thought I was in love with CT only because I wanted to be in love. Sometimes I think, maybe I was which is why I let go of myself, got myself heartbroken and am now making a sinner of my memory by constantly telling the heart 'it wasn't love'. I have let it go. Fuck it, like they say. Emotions are not my thing. Too much hard work recognizing, feeling and understanding. Next day, I text CT 'I need a headrest.' He would know what I mean, but he did not reply. Realized, its best till its there. Do not put yourself through the same thing of constantly flirting and finding mush and comfort in him. I will only fall in love again, question again, break this heart again. Before I could let it go completely, I find out AB, 'fat bitch' and CT's ex have ganged up against him and talking crap to the world, abusing him left, right and center. Apparently, he had been flirting with the 'fat bitch' too and many other women. All of these women found out and became the Crazy Ex Girlfriends. Tarnishing his reputation, pulling everyone by the collar and telling them what a bitch CT is and how girls should beware of a nympho like him.

Well, I do not deny that for he is a flirt. He does make his woman feel like he is dying to be with them but can not. He is a player, that way. I was only glad these women did not know about me or at least did not drag me into this considering how they really were dragging the world into this matter. I stayed quiet for a few days but felt bad for him. Finally defended him a little. Not really defended but at least asked the women to stop washing their dirty laundry in public. Its a simple thing. I have met AB. She is bloody sweet and I respect her belief in love and passion for it but I am sorry, I am not a very big fan of women letting go off their dignity. If a woman thinks a man is an Asshole and does not deserve your love, then he does not deserve your wrath too because men find guilt in a woman's silence not in her blabbering to the world about his character. If a woman respects herself, she does not have to shut up and cry about it but be bloody strong and have the balls to not howl and cry to the world. I am sorry, that is not how you guard your self respect which a man had already shaken when you fell for him. Unfortunately they did and why did I speak for him? Because as a friend, I thought I must. Yes, just as a friend.

I know exactly the conversations he must have had with these women. So much so i can quote him. But neah, not a feeling felt, not a drop of jealousy, not an inch of pain or betrayal. I knew he is a Flirt all along. I knew what he meant and how much of it when he said whatever he did. Whether him wanting to cuddle up in the middle of a night or wanting to ball dance to Beethoven. He did mean it all, but only momentarily. I knew that. They didn't. Unfortunate for CT that he had to go through such public humiliation. He did mess with the wrong women and I texted him along with a friend assuring him he was a nice guy, no matter what. He is a friend. The Love, the pain was gone, like it never existed. Like our togetherness never existed. Ofcourse he did not reply to that either. He is coming back to town in a few days. Do not know if we will meet. Do not know if we will ever know or see each other again. Its a chapter that does not know its end.

The Walk on the Wild Side has just begun!

Regular weekends include K and I getting stoned and listening to crazy music. One of such weekends fell right after CT left and TC comes back. We had been in touch off and on trying to figure when is a good time for him to come over and that day I just let him. K, he and I chilled until we went to my room and finished what was meant to. Just when we finished and we were trying to catch our breath, the door bell started ringing like crazy. It was 2:30 in the night. It was scary cause the bell would not stop ringing, I rush and open the door and what do I see? FUCKING V was standing outside my door, drunk.

"WTF are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. Do not want to sleep alone."
"But I have friends over."
"So, we will sleep in your room."
"V! This is crazy."
"I know but keep me with you, please."
"V, I have friends."

After trying to put some sense in his head for 15 minutes outside my door, I took him to the other room and asked him to stay there till i came. In the meanwhile I went back to my room, told TC a friend came over and TC said he will leave, and so he did. K was in the drawing room, confused. Yes, I was too. All my buzz was gone in that time. Went back to V, we cuddled, we made out until the bell began ringing again like crazy. This time it was my flatmate, who came home pissed drunk. I wanted to kill myself at that moment. So much panic. So much drama. This was out of a fucking film, I warned ya. I make V put his clothes back on and took him into my now empty room. Thankfully he was too drunk to realize there were no friends in my room now, like I had told him just a few minutes back. Flatmate, drunk and confused. I tucked V in the bed and went out to take care of a drunk Flatmate who had to leave the house in 15 minutes again to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. Hydrated her, got her into her senses and put her in her car. Both of us giggling like girls with no idea how to react on what was happening.

Once she left, I went back to V. We had unexpected sex. It was just about cuddling, right? He freaked me out by saying 'I Love you' during the act too many times. Did not let him finish and put him back to sleep. Woke up, and the regular tea and music followed V, K and me. V finally after spending a long time in the morning and few short making out sessions, left for home.

I just wanted to get comfortable, hug my best friend, K and sleep. K and I, both had not slept all night. My head was hurting with so much panic and so much sex till I finally slept in the afternoon the next day. Within two hours, I had had sex twice with two different men that night. It sounds pretty whore-ish but it did not feel that way at all. And now I wonder, where is the bloody conscience? Where are the bloody feelings? Blowing away with every smoke circle? Drowning with every gulp of rum? Where was CT? I want to hold him and sleep. Sing for me, while I sleep?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love Sex and Friends.

When you wake up and reach for the left over Belgian Chip Chocolate Ice Cream in your Freezer and then the left over half bar of Twix, the world will know you have not had a good week.

Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does. Just when I was wondering all of my days what do I write on my Blog, cause nothing except work happens in my life. RH came back and how!

RH is back, living with my best friend K. How does he know her? Reminder - K's boyfriend's best friend, also RH is that sweet loving caressing guy I had a one nighter with. He was gone for a year and has re appeared, but left like a Ghost.

K, like always kept trying to hook me and RH up through out his stay, but I kept ignoring, instead made fun of the whole idea in front of RH and let it go. Despite K trying to place me with him verbally, she would always stick around with him, flirt with him in obvious ways. Where is K's boyfriend? Away for the last two months for work, and will remain away for the next four to six months more.

"RH and I kissed!"
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah...."
"No, I could not hear you."
"RH and I kissed."
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah..."
"WTF dude!"
"I know."
We laugh.

I really had no clue how to react. Thankfully I was with this other close friend of mine at that time and I just lay my head on the table after hanging up and the friend knew what just happened. Apparently, none of my friends like K. They think she is weird and not a true friend to me. But the point is, she is my friend and I do not give a fuck. I will do anything and everything for her. But this time? I did not know.

"RH and K kissed."
"Whaaat?"
After a pause.
"I am not surprised."
Awkward silence.
"WTF man! I knew this was coming but really this should not have come."
"Well..."
"No well... This ain't cool man. Friends DO NOT kiss the same guy. Ever!"
"Then you should tell her that..."
"Now? When she has already kissed him?"
"Before she sleeps with him."
"My saying will not stop her from sleeping with him."
"Then your friendship is fucked up."
"No."
"Dude! She is going to sleep with the man you slept with."
"Dude! It is not about him. I don't give a flying fuck about RH. Its just as a friend she should not have done that. Its weird man..."
"Then tell her no..."
"I don't think RH is worth fighting over with K."
"WTF are you talking?"
"She sounds excited about RH. I can not help it. I should have known when she kept randomly saying things like 'I can share my man with you cause you are such a best friend of mine' jazz. Argh."
"What?"

K Calling.

"Are you mad at me?"
"Why?"
"Cause you know... RH and me..."
"Oh! Crazy woman! Why will I be mad at you? Are you stupid?"
"Phew! I knew it. I Love you. Come soon. We need to talk. I am going to explode in excitement."
"Ill be there in a while. See you. Muah."

"Why the fuck did you not tell her?"
"Cause I Love her too much. I just can not.... I do not want to kill it for her... She is excited and happy."
"You are not being a true friend."
"I am sorry. I can never be mad with her. Even if she fucked my husband."
"WTF dude. That is just sick!"
"I do not know. I Love very very few people this way but when I do, I do man."
"Stop trying to fit into Godly nice shoes. Get real, for God's sake!"
"You are not going to understand this. It is weird for me. It is crazy. It is not something I am cool with. But I will also let it go. It shall pass away."
"You guys are fucked up."
"So be it."

I did what a friend is to do. Defended her. Laughed with her. Got happy for her. Hi5ed and smiled and giggled like 14 year olds do. But I tore inside. RH was just a one night stand. I was not emotionally involved with him ever, yet I felt cheated and betrayed somewhere. Why did she do this? She described how he played with her hair, held her hand, caressed her lovingly and made her feel like no other man ever has. I just smiled. This time I could not bring myself to Aaaww her because I felt the same and I could not tell her that that is how he feels. I smiled for her. Dying inside for reasons I do not know.

She added me to hers and RH's conversation, it was now a serious conference.

"What do we do about the boyfriend, L?"
"Lol. Finally realized?"
"This whole equation is fucked up man."
"Well... That it is."
"RH's best friend is my boyfriend. My best friend slept with RH. Me and RH are going to sleep together. WTF, man!"
"LOL."
RH was in the conversation but only as a listener. What was he to say, anyway?
"Just for the record, YOU AND I ARE NOT SLEEPING KISSING THE SAME MAN EVER AGAIN."
Maybe my friend was right. I should let K know I am not cool with this before she actually goes and sleeps with my husband.
Funnily, she laughed it off and got back to her usual "RH RH RH" mode. I left the conversation. I'd rather kill my time with this other friend of mine whom I was chatting with along side, J.

"Whats up?"
"Just buying a sandwich. Really need a smoke. Cant find."
"I'll give you a smoke. You get me a sandwich. Super hungry."
"Where are you?"
We were apparently very close.
"I will seriously come over."
"Lol. No. I am kidding. It is 2 AM."
"But damn. I really need a smoke."
"And I really need a sandwich."
"What do we do?"
"Argh. Just come man!"
He came. We sat. We smoked. We talked. We went out for a drive in crazy rains. Ate sandwiches. Came back home. Smoked. Lots of small talk. And then he left.

I locked my house and before I turned, my phone beeped.
"Just so you know. You are cuter than I thought you were."
"Thank you. And you are really sweet."
"Sweet is not good enough. Err... I do not want to kill this but I really wanted to kiss you."
"You remember I am married and have two kids."
"I will still take my chances."
":)"
"Funnily, I have not left yet. I am sitting in my car, messaging you."
"You must go."
"I wanna see you one more time before leaving. Coming to the car?"
"No. :P"
"I can not ask you to come if you do not want to. But I will wait for 5 mins. If you come, great. If not, then well, bye."
"Honestly, its 4:30 AM. I am not too sure if I should walk upto your car alone."
"Come out of your house. I am coming there."
"I am coming out just to SAY Good Night."

The doorbell rang. I stood at my door. He sat on the stairs beside it.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Its late."
"I know."
"You must go."
"Hhmm."
"So?"
"Stop being an Asshole."
He leaned in and kissed.

Despite all that flirting, I was shocked and surprised at what happened. But then we kissed and we kissed and we kissed. Ofcourse he tried getting his hands inside my shirt and on my breasts. But I stopped him. I was proud. I knew I did not want another one nighter. With RH now turning into a disaster and the last one, well you all know what the hell that was. I just did not want one more to add to this horrible feeling list of mine. We kissed for hours and then he left when well it became extremely difficult for him to 'hold on'. Once he got back. We spoke for hours on the phone. Small talk. He said some really nice things to me. The nicest being 'You look so innocent that it is impossible to have dirty thoughts about you. All I wanna do is stare at this angel face and kiss it.' Just the perfect time to say that. I really really needed to hear something so nice after feeling this horrid and torn about RH and K. All it took was that kiss and his sweet talk and random fun company to make me forget all about RH and K. It did not matter anymore, all of a sudden. I was now thinking of F.

When I told K about F, she was excited. Thought I had landed a jackpot with his looks and job. But admitted he looked unstable and a flipper. That makes us complete opposites. She insisted I should date him, but then it was just one meeting, one kiss. He called the next day, asked if he could come over, but I was with a friend. I messaged him the day after that and he did not reply. I kept waiting all night. But he did not. I was right, afterall.

"Date him, L."
"K, This is going to end with a fuck."
"I think he likes you."
"K, No."
"No, believe me L. Men fuck me, they like you."
"I have no clue what makes you think that way. But just so you are reminded. You end up dating all the men you sleep with, and I do not even stay in touch."
"Also, I have slept with some 20 men and you just 3."
We laughed.
"I cant date him. He is not stable, K."
"And you are not fun. You are boring. You have no life. You both will balance each other out."
"K, Where the fuck are you taking this one kiss? This kiss was just a I-will-make-you-feel-special-till-I-fuck-you."
"I have no clue who has hurt you, L. But this will not end with a fuck, babe."

I did not say a thing. Now, I just did not know what do I feel bad about. About how I am disappointed in my friendship? About how K, despite having told her everything, very conveniently says 'she has stopped feeling deep emotions'? She is flipping. I am scared to see her this way. I really am. About F not replying to my text last night? About me being just a fuck for F? About how I will not find a 'relationship'? About how the stability I am so proud of is just on the outside and inside I am an emotional wreck? About how everyday I feel 'bad things happen to bad people' and so I am a bad person? About how I maybe giving in too much to my friendship without receiving anything in return? About waiting and waiting and just waiting like the Step Sister who has no story but just a pretty dress, an ugly face and the significance of a vamp?

I can not look sad. I can never show or express my true feelings, emotions and fears to anyone on this planet. I can not thank god enough for giving me writing. For if this was not there, my absolute power over pretense and fake smiles would be lost.

May you all Love endlessly and find true and genuine Book Love.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - Everyone please put your hands together for Sulagna , my Blogger Diva who just gave birth to a beautiful Bengali Babe. One more girl out in this world to love endlessly and be loved even more so. Hugs Su. You have no idea, how happy I am for you. Congratulations! You will make a Super Cool Mom! Love you.

Bitching about Dogs!

Some may find it weird and cheap but I love to sit on pathways, talking and observing people, occasionally, with my smoke. The world seems different and you seem more approachable to the world.

Sitting doing my occasional thing with two of my girlfriends discussing family, pressures, friends, boyfriends, men, women, girlfriends over one smoke after another. Advising, Arguing, Laughing and Crying.

"I think that guy is good looking."
"Which one?"
"Wait. The girl is weird... Whats with good looking men taken by ugly... Oh Fuck!"
"What happened?"
"The guy is ugghhly. He looked nice through the glasses of the store."
"And the girl is nice."
"Yeah. I Love what she is wearing."

"All girl's have this problem", a random guy who almost stole my new lighter (he borrowed and was not returning. :P), talking over the phone.

We burst into laughter like young teenagers, who find every random thing funny.

"I think he is having girlfriend troubles."
"I think he is breaking up."
"Or maybe she is breaking up. He looks like he could cry."
"All men are the same. Cry babies who just can not move on."
"Well... we did not ask for personal experience talking here."
"Exactly PL."
"Shut up RM."
"On second thoughts RM you have been talking to poor PL as if you have four boyfriends. Spare her your stupid invalid advices. You have no idea what she has been talking about for an hour."
"Oh Puhleez! I am the one who had four boyfriends. So, I am more experienced."
"That does not show cause you apparently do not even know the importance of 'who hangs up first' in a fight."
"Oh! You two have weird ideas about relationships."
"Me hanging up first in a fight and he calling back is so cute."
"PL! You are in love."
"I don't know about that. But he is cute. Considerate."
"It was never really an issue with me, but yeah, it feels nice if the person calls you back and well you have hung up and thrown all the tantrums, yet are being pampered back. Ofcourse its special. G always called back. Sometimes I hung up just so he calls back."
"Well, Once I did try hanging up but my phone got hung and the call could not end. So, I called him back from my landline and then banged the phone."
"See, so you did too."
"Yeah. I guess."
"But I think he is very cute."
"PL! DATE HIM! What part of it do you not understand?"
"I can not date him over the phone, right? He will be back in December. I will meet him then and then talk to him face to face about it."
"PL, you guys are already informally dating. You two talk, flirt and even have lovers' fights."
"Yeah, but I dont know. He is just too cute."
"We get the point, PL!", simultaneously.
"But dating him would mean losing allot of my friends."
"Is it about ST?"
"ST has been extremely moody ever since I told him about this guy."
"Well, he is human. He has been wooing you for over a year now."
"But I can not see him beyond a friend. He is just too sweet."
"So, if a guy is sweet he is not date-able and if he is cute he is totally worth it?"
"Yeah L. You got it!"
"But then he will understand. He will get over it if you are good friends."
"He is a man RM. He wont!"
"Exactly."
"Men are terrible at taking rejections and break ups. They just take it too harshly."
"Look at ST, DV, PD, etc. etc. etc. (she really had a long list of good friends turned Romeos). They have all stopped talking to me after a while. I have only been losing friends this way."
"Thankfully, I have been lucky that way."
"But I swear, if this guy does not work out. I am giving in and getting married."
"Oops!"
"How does it matter? You will anyway be married to someone from Doon, only."
"Argh! I hate that bit."
"Why? Whats with Doon?"
"ST from Doon, this cute guy from Doon, DV from Doon, this other random guy I was being fixed with by my friends was also from Doon. Like Really!"
"LOL! Take it or Leave it. You are destined to be married off to a Doon guy."
"I think I attract the wrong guys."
"Its not about the city my love."
"It is! They all are so hung up! Something is wrong with Doon boys, I tell you."
"Well, maybe you were some Doon Princess in your last life and all these men must have woed you but died in the process. :P."
"I don't know, L. Life is a mess."
"Its not. Date the cute guy."
"Yeah. I guess I will."
"You must! You are informally dating yet restricting yourselves from saying and doing things just cause you two are not 'dating' but are still behaving like a couple in other ways."
"Thats true. I do stop myself many times cause its not like..."
"We are dating, but we are... You two will hang in the middle forever like this, then. JUST MEET HIM AND DATE!"
"Okay! Let him come back!"

After two hours of all kinds of crap.

"Excuse me?"
Returning the Lighter.
"Thanks."
I smile. And then he sits beside me.
"I hope you all do not mind me joining you."
"Errr....."
"Actually I just wanted to ask you one thing."
"Sure?"
"Is it really easy for women to just break up without any reason."
"(WTF? Where did that come from?", all three faces said that.
"Umm... Well... Can not generalize, can we?"
"I was dating this girl for a year and now she calls and says she does not feel for me anymore."
(Which part of that does not qualify as a reason?)
"Umm... Maybe she has some issues she has not told you about or is going through a phase and will be fine in a while."
"If she had an issue she would have told me, for sure."
(I do not like over confident boyfriends. Women love their men to guess but men... Sigh!)
"Well, then talk to her about it."
"I did but she has no explanation."
(She just said she does not feel for you anymore, Loser!)
"Give it some time. If it works out, it works out. But if she still has no explanation then let it go. It will not work out. Accept it."
Almost crying, "Tch. How could she..?"
Looks back at us, "Anyway, I am so and so from Doon. You are?"
PL looks away.
"L"
"RM"
Waiting...
"She is PL."
"Thanks for the help."
"TC. Bye."

We both turn to PL and laugh our asses off.
"This guy is not getting an explanation and that girl is getting no peace. Period."

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

When the teenager inside you does not grow up!

Word of caution - This is going to be creepy!

What I talk about today is according to me the creepiest thing ever. You may judge hate whatever me. But this, my friend is the truth. And the only truth I have NEVER EVER EVER spoken about to ANYBODY. This is MY secret.
*****************************************************************

For the first time, at 15, I try curling my hair for a cousin's wedding. With my bunch of cousins we reach the venue and I immediately see him sitting beside the groom. My other cousin comes running to tell me how cute 'that guy' beside the groom is. In the next 15 minutes, she had managed to take all the information out and find out his name and place as well. A little later, I have my superly social mother call me and introduce me to some random people including 'that guy's' mum and 'that guy' and his brother. And just when I am done exchanging pleasantries with 'that guy's' mum and turn to say Hi to 'that guy', I notice a bunch of my other overtly excited teenage cousins nudging me and smiling at him. I still remember how awkward that moment was, and you could see 'that guy' loving every inch of it. He knew that all that attention was coming for him and began some random cute conversation with his brother, aloud. To be honest, I found the mom quite a snob. And 'that guy', dumb.

For the next whatever number of days my cousin was living with me, she would only rant about him. She in fact, got a key chain made of his name. Can you beat that!?! She was always crazy. Now, she is married to her Internet boyfriend.

After about a year or two, I see a familiar face looking back at me in the same way, at some random wedding. Thanks to my overtly social mother. And the round of hellos and hugging follow to fat aunties, sweet uncles, decked up girls and shy boys. My mother sends me to get her a glass of water and I come back to another random aunty and uncle, she is talking to. Once again, I am introduced to that 'snob aunty'. Wow. So, the face that that gave me i-am-familiar-with-you smile at the water cooler was 'THAT GUY'. Yes, he looked cute. He was cute after all, but he has a very very funny nose. The 'snob aunty' was a bitch. She introduced me to her husband as my mother's FUCKING SISTER, and then, "Oh! Sorry, Daughter." I could have punched her in the face. Just because I am fat and my face looks beaten up right now, does not mean I am 40! You fucking pretentious whore! I turn around and 'that guy' and I look at each other again. I sensed some stupid connection. And it felt nice.

After some months, I was chatting with my superly excited cousin. She had apparently gotten over him. Told her how I saw him at that wedding. She thought I had a thing for him too. I denied. It was not a complete lie, I would say. I did not crush for him. But, there was something. The kind of feeling you get when you think, this thing is more than just looking at each other at random weddings.

Then, after some years, came orkut. On a boring late night, I looked up for him. It was strange how I still remembered his name. I saw he had a blog. Checked it out and commented on it. From then on, we shared comments on each others' blogs. I knew whose blog I was commenting on. I don't think he did. We had our arguments. We had our agreements on our blogs. It tells you more about a person's mind. Then too, I never fell for him or felt attracted. Gradually, I stopped blogging and so did he. The comments stopped. The only direct connection with him was broken.

Some years later came Facebook and I noticed him on my cousin's husband's list. The first wedding where we had met. I check out his profile and find him in a different continent. He is in the same field as I am. This did interest me. Lucky me, he never had privacy settings. I could see all his wall posts and know not much but, vaguely about him and his life. In between, I meet my cousin and her husband with my mother. Over the years my mother and the 'snob aunty' have become friends. And my mum seems to be enquiring about 'that guy's' marriage. Yes, my mom is quite a match fixer too. She is always getting someone married. I guess, this comes from her being so overtly social and also being liked and trusted. I am a proud daughter of my mother.

I come back home and check his profile again. I do that for some one week and tadah! He is coming back to India. He he he. His wall posts told me that. ;) I also sort of found out that he is probably shifting back. Not too sure of that. Also, through his posts, I almost found that he has a girl fried or had and who she was/is. I cursed her. Prayed to God to conspire and make him meet me this time properly so that we become friends.

Gosh. After all this, I feel like a stalker. And for what? What the hell was I cursing/praying for? NO. I am not attracted to this man. I am NOT crushing on him. I am NOT in love with him. I am NOT... argh. What is it? It is confusing. Frustrating. Annoying. Fun. Gives me stupid teenage kick. Makes me giggle at myself. Makes me feel like a stalker, yes! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Okay. I have an answer. Of all the people from my 'community', he is the one who so far fits my comfort the most, which makes him more 'marriageable' to me, according to me. He is from my community. Yes, such is my love for my mother that as my age increases, this thing is being drilled into me like crazy. We belong to the same field of work. He drinks. Yes. He gets a bonus point here. He is decent looking, except for the nose. The nose is HUGE n WEIRD. It almost covers his face. He has a younger brother who looks like, he will be allot of fun to have a brother-in-law as. LOL @ myself. And, the mothers know each other. Though I doubt she will like me. Stupid Snob Aunty. Actually, for that matter, if I am having an arranged marriage I doubt any of these dominating 40-50 year old women would like me for their sons. They might just accept me because of my mom. Everyone loves my mom. *Proud of you mommy. How do you do this?*

So, I have been contemplating of re starting my blog and leave a comment on his blog to start a conversation once again. Sounds weird to me too. I am scaring myself. I feel psychotic after saying this, because I am stalking someone without a reason. Wow! What a brilliant time pass to have for almost a decade now. Gosh. I have no idea what I will do. And I definitely have no idea what plans does God have. But, it is this feeling inside of me that says, we will meet again. I just know it inside of me. This feeling is bloody strong, which is why I get restless and do whatever stalking I have done. There is something. What? Time will tell. And if it is 'nothing'. I will laugh it off because all said and done. 'That guy' makes me feel like a superly excited teenager crushing on the guy in the class opposite hers. It is fun not knowing him yet finding out about him. Not being attracted to him yet praying to meet him. Not knowing what this connection, this feeling is, but believing in it. He does make my life exciting. ;)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Tik Tok on the Clock! But the part don't Stop!

My status message, "Why is same sex marriage not legal in this country? I would be so much happier spending my entire life with the love of my life, K. Gosh... Distance is really making the heart grow fonder. *Sigh*"

Her reply, "Oh my God! I want you, NOW! You surprise me time and again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you."

Her status message, "Wants L. Her laughter, smile, tears, love mean the world to K. Marry me L."

My reply, "I Do. (Background - And I now pronounce you woman and wife. You both may now kiss.) *SMMMOOOOOCCCHHHIIIEEE*"

I call. She answers.
"I Do."
"I Do too."
We burst into what I would call a fit of laughter.
"Gosh L. We must really get married."
"I swear. We would never get bored of each other. Have so much fun together. And be like the best couple ever."
'Men are very boring anyway."
"Also, you know I can not stay with one man all my life."
"Nor can I. We must seriously get married."
"I was so desperately calling you last night."
"Sorry baby. I was asleep. It was 3 when you called."
"LOL. Yeah. But guess what?"
"What?"
"I was talking to HK last night and we got all so when are you coming to this place and stuff and he was like I am coming soon. My girlfriend is there. IMAGINE!!! My heart broke into pieces. I have been crushing on this fool since SCHOOL. I feel like such a loser. It is like donkey years. When would I get over him?"
"LOL. Who?"
"Some really ugly chick from our school itself. IMAGINE! I mean if he really had to date our school junior, I was fucking there!"
"I think you should tell him."
"Well, last night I was just so fucking bored that i thought I will finally tell him about this crush that I have had on him for like forever but then this stupid conversation about his girlfriend started and I wanted to shoot myself."
"Trust me L, remember how much I crushed on SN. The moment I told him I want to date him. I have not answered his calls since that day. I was over him."
"So telling him means me getting over him?"
"Maybe he getting interested in you. He is in a long distance with an ugly weird girl. Ofcourse he will break up."
"LOL. But this crush is just so much fun."
"Yeaah."
"We should be together I am telling you."
"I honestly think we will end up living with each other. Cause no man would want to live with me."
"K, Like we can tolerate the men in our lives for too long?"
"LOL! I Love you L."
"Yes baby I Love you too."
"But do you really not like my boyfriend?"
"I have not met him since you started dating him, K."
"Come on. He is just so cool. He is nice. He is a dentist. Plays the guitar. Is getting his belly pierced. Wow! And what else?"
"K! What else?"
"Yeah like what else are his qualities?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"
'Make some up to make me feel good."
"K! You two come here. I shall meet and judge him and then you shall get my approval."
"Oh! Please like him. He is really nice. I will tie him to a pole when you come here next."
"LOL. Cool.... Hey! Imagine Polygamy is not an issue with us too."
"Yeah. We shall easily get our lays here and there."
"Exactly. And no issues with living with ONE MAN all your life. How the fuck do other women manage? Men are such a boring pain."
"Those women are fools. We can share ours."
"Hi5!"
"Hi5!"
"Gosh. We must start living together soon before I kill myself."
"No No L, you are not killing yourself."
"Obviously I am. I have broken up. Other men do not interest me. People I am surrounded with otherwise are choots and I hate my work. Argh. So fucking clueless about life."
'Baby, chill! This phase will go away in two months. Happens with everybody."
"Yeah. And until then I shall hide myself and drown myself in work and not see anybody's face."
"LOL. Like not see anybody's face."
'Else I will end up slapping the world. Most people annoy me to the core."
"Okay. Chill. I will be with you very soon. And we shall live together forever. As of now, I will go eat."
"Fuck! I hate you! I want to have mom made food too."
"I will cook for you."
"Pasta? And that daal?"
"Yes my love, with your curd, humus and rice."
"Now I am a happy girl. The way to your spouse's heart is through the stomach afterall."
"LOL. Love you L."
"Love you too. Muaah."
"Muaah."
"Bye."
"Bye."

Does life get better than this? NO FUCKING WAY! Nothing like having your girlfriends with you. And my best friend really does make my world go round. :) I Love you baby.

I am hooked to this chick party song. You just want to get dressed. Fight for the mirror. Share clothes make up shoes. Suggest Advice each other on the styling. Jump into the car with speakers pumping with loud music and hit the party scene having every guy ogle at you and you just have fun with your girls, all drunk. Listen Tik Tok by Kesha.



Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Conversations to Contraceptives

"My guy went bald."
Laughing my ass off on her pitiable situation, "WTF! Why?"
"Because he wanted to."
"And he is not even the kinds who would look hot with no hair. Fuck!"
Came a sad "Yes" to that.
Filling the silence with a loud laugh, I can sense her anger.
"I am ditching him very soon."
I stop, instantly.
"Fuck! Why?"
"Because I have many reasons to... I can not have a decent conversation with him. He is not even great in bed. Well, he is not bad, but he isn't great either. My ex was."
"Are you serious?"
"Very. My best friend-cum-back-up boyfriend is coming next month. I will have fun with him."
"Yeah. Lets plan a trip."
"He is coming in the last week."
Adding to the bitchiness, "Your birthday is around the same time. Break up with your guy after that and we shall leave immediately for the trip. At least when he tries tirelessly to get you back, you will be far far away."
"That makes sense. He is such a baby. Wants to be pampered all the time and OH MY GOD! He is going to cry SO MUCH!"
"Exactly."
"And of course, he will call all his friends and bitch about me."
"Is that not obvious, considering it is HIM."
We laugh.
"Why were you dating him in the first place?"
"Have you heard this from anyone else L that when you break up you immediately want to get into another relationship to feel good. That is exactly what I did. Without even thinking twice, I just went ahead with it."
"I know I know."
We both contemplate in silence for a moment.
"L?"
"Hmm?"
"When will I find MY guy? Someone who is perfect."
"Soon baby."
"What soon. I am kissing every frog that is coming my way yet nowhere close."
"We all learn from our mistakes."
"My ex was better than him, L. I seem to be making more mistakes than before."
"Hhhmmm. Now, be careful. You should only get better with men, not lower your standards."
"Exactly."
"So keep kissing, one of them will turn into YOUR Prince."
"That makes me feel good."
We smile.
And she jumps, "You know something?"
"What?"
"My guy is such an ass. He ate Viagra the last time we went on our short vacation."
Now, this one was really crazy.
"Why?"
"Because he wanted to TRY."
"TRY VIAGRA?"
Obviously I felt the reason for him to be 'not great' in bed was apparently THIS. Fuck! He is young. Why on earth should he need a Viagra? LOSER!
Feeling terribly bad and good for her(Bad because he needed it and Good because hopefully this might satisfy),I collect myself and say a long, "O. K."
"He took it the night we were traveling. And if you do not have sex after taking it, you end up getting high fever."
This is just getting better.
"This one time when you guys could have had 'Great Sex'. He did this. Why did he not take it earlier even if he just wanted to TRY."
"I have no idea. And you know it lasts you for half an hour."
I just sank in sympathy for her.
"Its alright baby."
"Yeah. He is cute anyway."
Sympathetically I agree.
I could not stop thanking God for G. I could not stop being proud of him either.
"So, Hows G?"
She caught my thought.
"He is 'great'."
"Good."
She comes back to her complaining in no time.
"You know, we have nothing in common. No proper conversations. Nothing."
"What do you talk over the phone when you do?"
"Well, I do the talking."
"What do you talk?"
"I talk. Here and There."
"And that is?"
" I say I Love you."
LOL.
"All night long?"
"Almost."
"I am glad G and I can have decent conversations whether we have something common in us or not."
"That is really nice."
"And important too. I can not tolerate an unintelligent man."
"AAAaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh...."
"I AM BREAKING UP WITH MY GUY! Not even waiting until my birthday."
"The Gifts?"
"Oh yes! I will take the gifts and then ditch him. It is like Love for him is giving allot of expensive gifts to your Girlfriend."
"Love for G is...."
I shut up because I know he is a sensible guy and one more snooty sentence to show how 'great' my guy would make her scream louder, so I change the topic completely.
"You know, the month is coming to an end and I have not had my periods yet. I am freaking out."
"Why? You guys did not use condoms?"
"Both. Condoms and Pills. I leave no room for that 1% too."
"Then. Stop freaking out. It must have just got delayed."
"I know. It has happened earlier too yet..."
"Its alright."
We have interchanged roles of "Its alright" and "Its not". This continues for a good 10 minutes.
"But I had it around the same time that I was suppose to have my periods. And you know chances of fertility are the highest at that time. And if he is overly potent even one drop could do wonders."
Considering he rammed me for half an hour straight and we came thrice. Anything could be possible. His condom was loaded. What if it tore? What if there was a hole? We are such a horny couple that a meeting that was suppose to last just a few hours over coffee and food ended up in wasting an hour looking for a room to fuck and finally taking the risk of time and landing up in his own bed.
"You took the pill, right?"
"Yes. I did. Yet. What if?"
"If you are so perturbed. We will get the pregnancy test tomorrow and check it. Okay?"
"Yeah. I have the same in mind."
"Good. Now lets get back to work."
And we hang up.

Now, something that was just a passing thought became a strong fear. Thanks to her guy. If he was not that big a loser and my friend was not so irritated with him. She would not have endlessly listed out his faults and I would have not been coaxed into changing the topic to something that was just a passing thought. (Most women think they are pregnant if they miss their period by more than two days. I was no exception.)

I call G endlessly. He is busy. FUCK! The fear just growing.
What if I am?
But I have had sex just twice in the past six months. Should not be possible.
But I had sex in February, i.e., a month and a half back. Then I had it last week, which was a crucial week. So, I COULD BE Pregnant.
Fuck! I also remember seeing a drop cum(his or mine?) near my vagina.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
OK.
Relax.
Even if I am. I can get aborted easily. No issues with that at least.
But how sad and ironical is this. There, my sister is trying to have a baby for the past 7 years and here I am thinking of getting rid of one.
What if someone sees me visiting the Doc. for an abortion?
What if I am Virgin Mary and have got pregnant despite the I-Pill and Durex?
What if ... What if... What if...?
So many situational thoughts were making me mad.
Call G again.

"I have not got my periods yet."
"You will get them."
"What if I am pregnant?"
"You can not be. We took a two level protection."
"Yes. But still."
"L, I trust the brands we use."
"Yeah. What if?"
"You are not pregnant L."
"No G. Yet... What if I am... We had sex when I must have been ovulating."
"Fuck. It was that period when we had sex?"
"YES!"
"OK. Don't worry. I can still doubt the condom for a while but not the pill. So relax. Wait for a few days."
"I think I will take a Pregnancy Test."
"Yes. Do that."
"OK. Bye."
And I leave immediately to get one.

When I come back. I felt like Juno. I drank liters and liters of all possible liquids to pee. And I peed but the fucking sample dropper's hole was so thin that despite all the peeing I did not have a drop in the dropper. I pee again. Not enough for the dropper to take.

I was getting desperate by the minute to test and unfold the self created mystery. I pray to God hard. Almost promising 'No Sex', then I change my mind and make corrections in my prayers. I give up on trying to pee sitting on the pot for half an hour. Not knowing when I will pee next I call G again, cranky, "I am not able to pee."
"You think calling me will help?"
"No. But still. I want to pee."
He laughed.
O.K. I agree it was funny. Hearing your girlfriend who desperately wants to pee but is not able to. We have heard of constipation. What was this? OK. Sorry, I had peed but was not able to collect. Yet, what if someone wants to pee and is not able to. What is that called?

I drank and drank. And finally it came when I was least concentrating. Maybe my concentration was disturbing my pee. It was shying away. (What am I talking?) Thankfully I saw a bottle before I enter my washroom and get a bright idea. NO MORE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS PEE! I take the bottle cap and collect it in that. Finally I took the test! After a minute or two, I saw one line coming. I look at it closely. It was getting dark slowly. I start imagining another line appearing too. Guess, it was just the fear. I stare at it till JUST ONE LINE BECAME BRIGHT RED and assured me that it was NEGATIVE. Phew!

I am now waiting for that asshole of a period to come. Second Possibility - DIET! I need to check my diet too. Fuck! Does that mean I am not eating right?

Being a woman is not easy, my love.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

M.A.D.

Statutory Warning - THIS AINT A POST

I am in such a terrible mood that I feel like scribbling on my blog. Since I can not do that I am writing this post from the right side. I do not know. Probably this is my way of taking out my anger. Anger?

Okay. So we have not spoken spoken in a long time. Guess what? This did not even strike me until he made me realize it himself by mentioning it yesterday and said, "I want to talk all night. Its been a while since we have talked for long. In your words 'talked talked'." I was alright the way it was going. No issues. BUT, he said something of THIS sort and I WOULD NOT grab the opportunity? Huh. You have got to be kidding me. I was fucking tired, sleepy. Infact had called him to say good night at 21:45 it self when he just mentioned it and as an overexcited fool I tell him I'll call him as soon as I am free. (People were around). And so, I call only to discover he has gone off to sleep. F-U-C-K-E-R!

That evening it self he made me feel so good. He said something he has never said before and trust me the post was going to be all about that, but I guess he did not want my blog look too sugary. So, he made my day today again b saying something extrmely sweet. Tonight I was not really in the mood to talk, but he seemed to. O.K. Another opportunity, grab it with both hands. ...........................................................................................................................................................................................................

Y.A.W.N.

He spoke for a full 32 minutes on the phone about something. Mind you, HE spoke for THIRTY TWO MINUTES ALONE! I was honestly bored. I was having fun watching good music on music channels after a long time, but NOW I was sleepy to the core. It made me MAD. I was not pissed, sad or even upset. But I was mad at him. I was mad at him for boring me. For talking to me about something so random and boring when I really wanted to 'talk'. Fuck.
















Sigh. Feels good. I think I just did not have a great day. I am in one of my phases where I need to be with myself. I am simply over reacting. And trust me, no matter how 'boring' it may have sound. It was something that would have interested me if only the time and mood were right. I had heard everything he said. I love how he talks about EVERYTHING. Even after putting me on No. 8 of his list. This New Year Diary that I gifted him comes 1st followed by his

• I Pod
• Music on Laptop
• Laptop
• His favorite T.V. sitcom
• His home theatre
• This one I do not remember

I Love him ya. I can not help but find everything interesting about him. Simply because I am interested in him. He is the love of my life. And oh dear, he has heard much boring crap from me than I could ever hear from him. But that is what partners do. They listen. They hear. They speak. They are interested. They are so not interested. They love you. They are bored of you. They will always be there for you.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I need some time off. I want to be ONLY with myself for a while. :)

SLUTTY SITUATION!

I hate the 'what if you are in xyz situation. Who would you chose? How would you react?' I hate this to no extent. Firstly, you can never say how or what will you do because our reactions also depend on the circumstances that surround it. Secondly, it is the MOST SILLY way of asking your boyfriend or girlfriend to express their love for you. It just goes on to show how insecure are you about his/er love for you.

G for the past few days has been repeatedly asking me in different ways What will I do if he dies? To be honest. I am so fucking emotional when it comes to him that my tears are in a 'on your mark-get set go' position all the time. He says it. I can cry. I will not. I have an ego. And most importantly, it irritates me. Irritates me to the extent that I can get into the phone and kill him. Huh.

Finally, today I just told him. What is this fucking way of expecting me to say tons of 'I Love you too much G that I can not live with out you shit. My life will be incomplete without you. I will miss you so much that I will not let you go and live like a zinda laash', like those typical insecure lover boys. Oh Freak! And then, "There is a fundamental difference between them and me."
"?"
"A lover boy would ask - "What will you do if I die? Will you miss me?
I am asking - "What will you do when I die? How fast will you find another guy?"
"LOL."
Typical of G.
"Okay tell me. If you were not in a relationship with me and you had to get laid with either some lover boy types or me. Who would you go to?"
Arrgghh. God G!
"I am not in a relationship?"
"No. You are not."
"Mmmmmm. Depends."
"Depends? Saali Rand"
"LOL."
"Depends. Bloody here I am there as an option and she is saying 'DEPENDS'."
"Yeah. Depends on whether I am in the mood to 'make ..."
"No. Just sex."
"I do not know. Depends ya."
"Saali Randi"
LOL.
"You Rand"
"You Randi"
"You Slut."
"You Randi"
"You"
"No. You."
"You Randi L"
"No. You you you you."
"No. You you you you you you you you."
"OK Fine ya. ME."
"Yes. You Randi"
"G, now you can stop. Stop disrespecting me."
"Oh! Disrespecting."
"Yes. I will hang up."
"Yeah Right."
Silence.
More Silence.
"You know L, who is the culprit in all our stupid situational conversations and our silly You-No.You fights? It is our FREE PHONE. Right now, if it was not for the free phone, we would have spoken like, "I Love you I Love you. OK Bye. I got no balance in my phone.""
Silence.
Mind you this is keeping the phone away and controlling a fit.
"This free phone should be blamed for all. There would have been no free phone and no time to have conversations like these."
"LOL."
"Finally, she laughs."
"I have been laughing for the past five minutes."
And we keep laughing.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.