Saturday, October 31, 2015

The Dangers of Sexy.

"You will have to make do with just one man for the rest of your life."
"How about I break up with you and sleep with some men and then come back to you for the rest of my life?"
"Why would you do that?"
"Cause I should sleep with at least 2-3 more men no? Can't have just 'slept with one guy my entire life' tag."
"Right! How many do you think is ideal for you?"
"Mmm... I guess 2 more and that's it."

Today, I am sitting at 20 or maybe more since G and I had this conversation during our dating time.

In these 6, or is it 7? years, I have been in love, lust, anger, depression. Been hopeless and hung onto what I every time thought was the last string of hope in the matters of the heart. But today, I am writing after years out of responsibility. My responsibility towards everybody who has been privy to my anonymous love and mostly, sex life.

"Yeah, she has not been too well."
Both, behaving and avoiding the 'conversation' because we thought the other did not know about SE's STIs which she was taking a treatment for.

SE is a powerhouse woman. The kind you meet and feel is too much for a man. And she was. But, she was also stupid and careless in a way. Like a lot of us, she preferred the pleasures of simplicity than precaution.

Gradually, as she came to terms with her illness, treatment and regular life (this time it was sexless), she urged each one of her girlfriends to get HPV vaccinations immediately.

"LSL, please get your viral markers. Such things are real and they happen to real people."
"But I just got myself tested 6 months back and I was clear. It's just an overflow of discharge. And it's probably because of stress, or because I just finished my vaccination...", I struggled with excuses to my gynecologist.

It's probably just another case of Vaginitis which is common among sexually active women, and can actually be cause without having anything to do with sex or even be caused by a STI. I currently do not know.

The first time I had Vaginitis, my doctor called it "pH imbalance" which happens when you travel and/or when you are with a new partner. Imagine your vagina like an introvert's mind. It goes haywire, and becomes uneasy and restless when it interacts with something new. Just two unprotected strokes, and my vagina's pH level got confused. In my friend's words, "Vaginas need time to get accustomed to new partners. They interact with them a few times and your pH levels come back to normal. But if they interact with too many new ones. They freeze like a middle aged woman in shock, and can not fight back to protect you well."

The second time, which is now, and here, I am presuming (so is the doc) that it is Vaginitis, is again another case of unprotected SINGLE stroke. Yes! SINGLE STROKE. Now, most of you are thinking that single unprotected strokes or unprotected oral sex is alright. If you have not understood yet, NO! IT IS NOT ALRIGHT! IT MAKES ALL THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE. You push in once or you go all the way nude, your penis and your vagina are quick to catch onto skin-to-skin infections and diseases.

"Have you had more than 5 partners?"
"Well, if you want, I'll check you for HPV but chances are you already got it. Women over 25 with over 5 partners run highest risk with most cases resulting in positive."

And that's it, I turned into the holiest Indian woman on this planet, praying to every god on this holy motherland of ours. It worked.

To my relief and my doctor's disbelief, I was a negative. However, the vaccination happened over a period of 6 months and I was still at risk of the side effects of the vaccine as well as other HPV infections which the vaccine did not protect you against. But, I felt more confident and protected than before until today, when I have been told to get myself tested again. I am hoping and praying again that this may not be a stroke of bad luck. Till, I find my results and use the time in buying coconuts and ringing bells, you should go fix an appointment.

The chances of catching sexually transmitted infections (and not every infection if a fatal HIV, there are many and curable too) are higher than truly satisfying a woman.

P.S. - I pray to you, please get yourself checked from time to time. Women, please get regular pap smears, get your vaccination and stay safe everyone. And doctors, please make sure you are making your patients feel comfortable rather than putting them on a cultural guilt trip. No one is going to stop having sex, but you could help creating a healthier country (which by the way is what you are supposed to do and not assume that if my friend is unmarried, she is a virgin).

Love n' Peace.



Thursday, June 26, 2014

Love Sick

It's been four years now to my break up with G and I have been single ever since. Of course, I went on some dates and explored more dicks. Also, fell in love and got my heart broken. And after all these years of madness, I had to put a conscious stop to it all. Where was it all taking me? Where did I want to go, anyway? Sometimes, I wanted the attention, sometimes the sex and sometimes I thought to myself, 'Maybe I need to lower my standards to get into a relationship' despite being fully aware of how I would not genuinely love the person even if I did.

In the last one year and a half, I have moved from one country to another and now a new one, rising up in my career yet not completely satisfied. Lets not miss the point where I have regrown my virginity by keeping my legs together for over two years. I will not say that the last few posts which were depressing as fuck and only asked questions no one ever has answers to are too, different from my current state yet I'd say I am a new person. Why same and why different? Same for questions still exist sometimes, different because, I am finally at peace.

As much as I may have dished out your advices on How badly I should move out of the place that was making me the way that it was, turns out you guys were fuckin' right about it mate! BUT foremost, it takes will to want to change things, sometimes you have to force yourself and work hard on it too. Nothing in life ever comes easy. Turning tables in your life definitely never does. 'Time to change the playlist, DJ!', thats what I said to myself and that's how I turned tables, no heads.

During my Rock n' Rolla life of Sex, Drugs and Alcohol, I sort of got used to a certain amount of attention. Mostly sexual, but so what? And here I was in a country, where I was happy not getting attention. I met a few boys, some decent, some intelligent and some self made rich young men too. And these were all men my parents directly or slyly introduced me to for TADAH! SURPRISE SURPRISE! Kill me! BUT to be a little fair, these men were nice. (Ahem! Maybe my parents have better taste than I do.) Why did nothing work out? Well, because I never allowed them to formally take it forward with the cliche 'I am not ready for marriage' excuse. It's only now I have begun to feel ready for a relationship (which is different from wanting to be married.) Not just ready but I genuinely would like to be in one now.

This is not a sign of desperation but being aware of yourself. Some are compulsive relationship freaks, some are Forever Alones and some are ready for it. I am ready for it. Which means I feel I can finally love and care back which was not the case before. Earlier what I wanted was, the attention. And that my friends, is a big difference in how your relationship is going to be. Of course, attention is important in a relationship but should never be your reason to get into a relationship. Disaster! Now, that maturity has taken over, I feel more confident about it. And no, another series of one night stands is not the answer. Not interested! Funny discovery of self in fact tells me I even suck at flirting. I realized a pattern where if a guy shows interest in me, I immediately curl into a shell. I become scared and rude which of course ends in him dating someone else then. I maybe confident in wanting to date and having overcome all that has happened in my past but despite gaining wisdom and peace with self, there are little tiny drops of insecurity which have not been wiped off. I am working on it but it's like a minor attack of paranoia hits me every time I see myself with a man. He is not interested in me. He just wants to fuck. He does not think I am pretty. He thinks I am a dumbfuck. He thinks I am showing too much interest. He thinks I am desperate. He is a flirt. He is like this with every girl. Oh no! This is just a friendly polite conversation. He has no option that's why me! And some more. So, while I am jogging through these various possibilities of how the man is not interested me, I have genuinely dished the man out even when I am consciously trying to flirt back. Clearly, I do not know how to flirt. I suck at it! And I definitely suck at taking things forward, instead I run away. Thanks to the above mentioned insecurities that I am still struggling with. Do you see how hard my life is now? God damn it! I struggle with flirting as well as getting rid of my insecurities, both at the same fucking time! And somewhere in the middle of it, I am trying to have a conversation with this guy too. Applaud for my terrible multi tasking skills please.

And to make matters worse, friends are ofcourse getting married, parents want you married, the unmarried ones are planning their marriages and those who are not planning their marriages are steady in their fucking relationships. Awesome! I have spent my prime years in fucking men I have no wish seeing again and then discovering my real self, my soul. Turns out, I am quite average (maybe even below average), contrary to the years of Diva image I had of myself in my head.Yet, I prefer the life I have lived than the average life that many have lived or are living. I am an average person for sure but not one with an average life. Do you ever see how everything leads to another? Have you ever seen the dominoes roll in your life? I sat and saw it all, and when you see it, you smile. Your peace is sitting in the middle of the thousands of dominoes falling on each other. The moment it pops out, you have attained a little bit of wisdom. And I would never trade anything ever for this poetic life of mine.

I am in one of my most happy phases. I have not just realized things about self but also about my relationships with friends and family. Who do you want to keep and who you do not? Even if it is your best friend for over a decade who has hurt you with her words and action and used you financially and harmed you emotionally, no amount of love and years of togetherness can justify it. Some relationships come with unbreakable rules. And you may for years defend it to yourself and others, the day you see that domino roll, you see some relationships falling with it. Yet, you sit there and smile. Relieved. Wiser. Happier. Peaceful.

You let some go. You let some stay. And you invite some new. I am hoping to find someone I can share a relationship, a friendship and love and care with. Not just my bed for a few hours, anymore. I am a sorted regrown virgin. Amen to this new self, I say!

Love n' Peace.



Monday, May 6, 2013

Last candy in a trapped Jar

Ever stared at a big jar with a tiny piece of your favorite fruit or pickle or just that last piece of candy trapped in it?

Life is like playing your old playlist from the desktop you left at home years ago. Now, left unused or for parents to skype with you when you are not getting drunk and bored on a table full of lifeless souls and useless chitter chatter, hoping to get laid or just hammered enough to sleep deep. Life, yes, is like that old playlist. Unpredictable. But it is still all that you wanted, once at least in your life. Now, liking Nirvana maybe too 17 for you and finding some old Aishwarya Rai song, blasphemous. It makes you think what were you thinking when you added that to your playlist and probably heard on repeat then. Look around and you may just find a cassette of an Indian pop artist who lasted only as long as his first and only hit in those old boxes.

Such is life! You will question what you did yesterday, crib about today and worry about the tomorrow. At all states, feeling unhappy, feeling lost. Lost in the process of finding ourselves. And there in the background, your life is getting duller by the day and you are getting trapped in the social expectations of this world. Life, my friend, is sitting with a box of strawberries. Some will be sour. And that playlist in the background, surprising. Unpredictable. Yet, familiar.

Today, I have been jobless for three months now. It took one small health condition to reach to a whole new me. Let me put it how K (my childhood best friend and soul mate) put my impulse down for me,

"Have you ever realized how each person is significant  to another's life?"
Such random questions about Life, Human behavior and Happiness had stopped surprising me. Her drug intake had me seeing the brighter side of her. Hence, my response, just an inviting smile.
"Look at your Boss. A typical Indian worker..."
Indian Worker translates to hard working like an ass and bitchy like an asshole. Smart workers in this country are mostly considered lazy and a threat to the immediate bosses.
"...He probably means nothing to anyone. Not life changingly. But to you, he did. And he does not even know about it."
And there, I was learning life's philosophies from a 'hippie'.

No denying my swinging hips like a pendulum - slowly from that typical Indian worker to a Smart worker. Stuck in a rut of over working cause the smartness had been denied over and over again. To cut the long story short. Overworked. Unhappy. Dissatisfied. Falls unwell. Immediate boss crosses his daily insulting measures. Next - Resignation. No. Do not even think of me fighting it back. I do not blame him for my resignation. Its not his fault he could not inspire me (though he did give the resignation a push). Its not his fault I was unhappy. Its not his fault I was caught in that trap of a dull duller life and the social expectations of this world. Its not his fault if I was done with this life. Done with this job. Done with these friends. Done with this city. The new was over. The excitement was no more. And the plate was empty. I needed a refill.

Here I am. Standing in the queue with anticipation. I can see that the table has many and big dishes lined up but I do not know what is in it. Standing in the queue for a while, sometimes I get extremely curious and excited at what it holds. Sometimes I distract myself by assuming what all there is and think of how much of what will I eat. And sometimes I am famished. Irritated and Hungry. And then, there are days when I wonder why did I finish my previous helping so soon. I should have held on for longer. This re filling is a bad decision. But then, the point being, the plate was empty and it needs what it needs.

A month of family vacation. Having your mother, father and the only sibling together with you is not too much to ask when you belong to a happy crazy family which is not dysfunctional. But then, it is, in my case. After more than three years, all of us got together. We probably would not have this year too, if I had not quit my job. I probably would not have met new people and old relatives so closely as I did, if I had not been impulsive. I would have never known how much I need some people and how much some people love me, if I did not pack up my bags and sent the truck home. It was a final goodbye to an 'Independent Lone City Life'.

I have had three months to think it all through. To speak with myself. To know what I really want. And all I want is to know. Know self and the world, more and more. If you have nothing new to offer me, I will move out. And that is what I did one day. Mother called to tell me that my only grandparent had expired. I had not seen her in years. I was not emotionally so close either. But, I sobbed an entire day. I knew now, that space was empty. And my parents were slowly moving in that direction. One day, I will call my children and probably tell them that their grand parents are dead. And that at that moment felt like an unemotional call. I had never lived with my father. Only the initial few years when I was still learning manners and had not learnt how to read a dictionary. The next day, my resignation had reached my office and a call to my father that I was moving in with him.

"I am quitting my job. And leaving this city. I am coming to you.", I said the last line almost like a question. Like I was seeking his permission.
"Is everything alright?"
"Yes. I just wante...."
"When are you beginning your packing?"
I smiled.
"Okay. Keep me in the loop. I Love you."
"I Love you too."

One of the few times when I really meant it. When I wanted to be the first to say it instead of him.

And when I began stuffing boxes. I called K right after just 10% of the packing was done.

"Why are you crying?"
"I can't do this alone. I need you."
"I'll come and see you in a bit."

Well, she was too stoned to come over and help but she spoke to me. She heard me. She made dinner for me. And she told me I was a fool to just leave because she would miss me and I was doing one of the best things by taking this decision. And here again, I was learning life as we shared that spliff.

People will walk in and walk out of your life. You will love, you will fail, you will get caught in the rut of ruts. You will also feel miserable. Dead. Exhausted. Angry. Uninspired. Excited like a child and too experienced for your age. In this process, what mistake we make is giving verbs and adjectives to our life's circumstances. That is another rut. The rut of labeling every phase. And slotting each day in a phase or 'one of those days'. I made that mistake. And what wonders it did to me. Living alone. Hating some of my friends. Definitely getting asocial, mostly. Just plain, unhappy. I was lost in the process of finding myself.

Impulse and Life's situations and your conversations with self will sometimes take you where you thought, t'was now impossible to go. After having dried up my tears on lonesome nights, large whiskey helping after work and love lorn heartaches, I have nothing, I regret. I have come to terms with what I called my 'Yesterday', no matter how it was. I know my yesterday will be a part of present and future. I have come to terms with that too. To believe that quitting your job, moving out of the country and letting go of old people and emotions is fancy. Well, it isn't. If you are open minded, it is a beautiful process, otherwise far more frustrating and difficult than what your yesterday was.

There are days when CT will cross my mind but he would not make me pull my bed sheets out of exasperation. There are days when I miss coming home from work and having the liberty to fix my perfect scotch with cigarettes while I read online but the tea made at home is just as perfect. There are days when I will miss my friend and seeing them for a cup of coffee even when we are just silent but I find blessing in knowing some will be there for me just like this when ever I need them or not. There are days when I worry what it will be like living with your father whom you have seen the longest for 30 days in a year but then, I think to myself what is the ambition of knowing the world and its people, if I can never know my own people. People, whose habits I have naturally adapted without even knowing that they had it. Genes! There are days when I know life will not be mad, it may not be so much of a struggle, it will not be lonely. It will be stable. It will be new. I'll miss my friends. I have given up my peace spots and comfort zones to only explore new ones. I have only replaced friends with family, like I did the vice versa of, some years ago. I have only moved on in life. Emotionally and Mentally. The rest, is yet to come.

For those, who suggested I needed to change my city and pack myself off and away from all that made me miserable. I knew that would not help then. I knew that was not going to solve it from me. Escape was never my way, still isn't. Explore! I now walk out, proud, confident and excited like a child. I know not what holds for me. I know not if I will find my favorite flower. I know not if I leave that jar with my favorite fruit or pickle or that last piece of candy trapped in it, will I find it again BUT I know there will be another jar of new fruits, pickles and candies. Who knows, I may like it more.

Who knows? Lets go explore! Not lost in the process of finding self. But find more in the process of finding. Wander! For all those who wander, are not lost, my friend. Love, Learn, Wander, Live!

Love 'n' Peace.



Sunday, November 11, 2012

Emotions are a Man Made thing.

Exhausted. Physically too. Can not. Do not want to write. Been avoiding for months. Still want to. But something tells me if its not now, it will have to be a Doctor.

I came out of the theater, whimpering, like a cat. Skyfall had nothing to do with it. But the world was crumbling inside my head. I longed for peaceful moments but that night I dreaded it. It was not going to be easy spending the next one week alone in a house in silence. Especially calculating his arrival and knowing of hers.

CT was going to come to town again. And his new love and BG's old was already in town - R.

Funny, this world is. Before I knew BG, he fought, thew tantrums and insisted I was R, the love that broke his heart and he was never the same again. She was married and she played along with him during her trying times. Sought comfort in him. Got him addicted to her and then left him. BG, heartbroken. Waited to give up his world for her. To go to any lengths. That's what you do when you are in love, right? But she vanished and came back only to call him a good friend she would seldom meet over drinks.

Apparently, I had known R all along through her blog. And so, we met. We took instant liking to each other.

By now, BG was a happily married man. He had accepted her wandering and his heartbreak. Sometimes, you can still see it in his eyes when he speaks of her. There is some amount of anger, some sadness, a spoon of disappointment and a jar full of shattered dreams.

R and I grew fond of each other. Bonded over other common online friends, cigarettes, alcohol, books and writing.  She called me a kid. She treated me like one. Something told me, her encouragement towards my work was more out of what she had left behind unfinished. Like aspirational parents, who want their unfinished dreams fulfilled by their children. She was also moody. At the drop of a hat, she would snap and judge people. Disliked most. Made the effort of liking very few. Almost like she did not care. Almost like she genuinely did not have an opinion about these people. Almost like she had a vengeance against this world and to survive she would pretend to like a few. The vengeance was strong. You could feel it even in her silence.

R left her humble small unknown town in the name of love for a big big city life. She had been to two different cities for education and work before. But she was still that small town girl. She, still is.

I have no idea what had happened but once in her drunken state she told me, 'I packed all my bags and left in the name of love to that big city and ended up being heartbroken. I could have come back. Instead, I embraced the city. Fell in love with it." Subtext:  I immersed myself in its ugliness and its noise. I let all that take over the heart ache and piled it with ambition and hard work. She used her anger and aggressiveness in her work and became the successful workaholic woman cliche.

No, she is not single, so to say. She met another man after her heartbreak. Almost a decade older. Nothing in common. And not in love too. He was a mere distraction and an escape from the screams inside her head. Or so she thought.

Her quest to find that lost love. To find her happy smiling content self continues. Many men walk past her way. She smiles, invites and traps them in her darkness and her mystery. Mesmerized, these men follow the path she carves for them. Like characters of a book, she is writing. Sometimes, I think she is so aware of it that she intentionally uses it in her favor. Not exactly to let out her heart ache but then its easier to carve a story around characters you have seen and met.

Look deep in her eyes and they look helpless. Like prisoned by the anger of her heart. Innocent. Helpless. Sad. They look like the kind of eyes that still cry on her soft expensive pillows. The wine stains on the bed sheet speak of the life she had not imagined. She could not handle. And in this quest, she met the ever charming and intelligent CT. CT, who has been mentioned rather fondly in the past few posts.

For a long time, I was confused. The thought disturbed me that CT and R could be having a 'thing'. Ct is a lot younger and she, married. This restlessness was shared with BG, who after hearing everything, asked just one thing, "Is he a Charmer?"
"Very. I fell for it." And that I'd like to believe is a huge thin for I hate to trust men and most definitely recognize their tricks. Here, for once, I failed. And miserably so.
"Well, if he is a great charmer then only a woman more charming than him could charm him."

Reality Bites. I found my answer despite BG taking advantage of his friendship with R and actually confirming it. She confirmed the positive.

R has all of a sudden stopped talking to me. CT, I do not want to talk to. I have lost all respect for the man which makes me angrier. Angrier to the extent that I find myself killing CT and R in my dreams. Not once, but repeatedly so. I cry in anger to sleep wanting to finish it all and move on like I never knew them. Like I was unintentionally unlearning things about K, my best friend.

K, her brother and I, now live together. A dream we saw as little girls is now a nightmare. That is another story. Another miserable one, which shall be talked of in the next post.

CT is in town right now. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to hear that voice. I am sure R knows about us which explains her sudden disliking for me. That explains why CT would not talk. Would not meet for it would piss R off. She controls him. And some amount of it, he needs, being aware of his philandering nature.

Six months back I gave CT and my common friend a gift I customized and got made for CT. All I wanted was the friend to give the gift to him on this trip on his. Only and only because I want that burden off my head. Also maybe, deep down in my hearts, I wish he would realize how thoughtful that gift is and appreciate his loss. Or just know how much I thought of him and what I must be going through right now.

I smirk as the next thought hits my head - "I want him to feel all the pain I suffered because of him." And if not him, who knows I may want to start throwing this pain, this anger back at the world. Just like R does. I dread that future.

I want to hang onto my hopes. I want to believe in my happy carefree self again. I am happy not having or discovering a dark side. I have no intentions of finding myself waking to a wet pillow and no pants because a lazy douchebag thinks I am his phone sex partner. Every night after a few too many drinks and spliffs that seem never ending, I do not want to find myself looking for temporary comfort. Failing at my innumerable attempts at forgetting this pain. Forgetting CT. Forgetting my love for him, in the arms of another man. I do not want to lock my room and scribble my feelings on the wall, somewhere feeling I may need serious help. I do not want any help. I do not want to admit my addiction. I just want to get over it. CT has become that drug I am addicted to and knowing I can not have it makes me whimper, makes me angry, makes me want to kill people, makes me want this world to end, makes me sure I want to lie alone naked in a house with no human contact for days, months, maybe years. What's the funniest? I do not even want him. He is an asshole I will never have any respect for. He has only gotten me addicted to him like probably R has him addicted to her. One oh her many men.

I finally have lost my faith in love. I have lost my strength to hold onto any hopes. Lets get real. This world was never made for emotions. We were sent here as animals. Like K said to me once, "You can never love. You are such an animal. You just fuck." Ladies and Gentlemen, that's my best friend for over a decade telling me that with absolute seriousness. I let it pass but that I will hold against her. She had no right to say something like that to me when she is not even interested or has a clue what I feel for CT and what I am going through. This is the 'best friend' of my life, I live with.

Despite reading all of this, if you still expect me to move on with my life and hope and expect how unexpectedly things will change for me one fine day. I am sorry. I have not just given up. I have lost a game with no second chances. Lost my belief in my strongest value of 'Loving without expectations'. BECAUSE FUCKERS! PEOPLE EXPECT! AND THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU LOVE THEM YOU FUCKING RECOGNIZE THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY TO DO THINGS FOR THEM! I, have done, if not everything, yet I can proudly say, I have. I have fucking followed my heart (who was that fucktard who told me that?) and taken my risks time and again. I did today too in the middle of this post. I said I do not want to meet CT but I asked him to see me and he said he had plans. I knew it would turn this way. But I did. I took my chances. I have just been taking chances time and again, time and again, time and fucking again. But like they say right, somethings never change. My failures have not. My disappointments increase in a multitude, though. Every friend I ever banked on. Every tiny little thing makes me realize how most of my friends are not interested in my life. In what I may have to say. In what I may feel. They are there because I am there for them. Or maybe because I never told them about anything that ever mattered. I just don't. I just can not talk as much as I may want to. I can not think of a single person I can just hold, bury my face under their arm and cry till I sleep off in their lap and wake up to them smiling and making me feel like it is all fucking right. If I did not tell anymore because I wanted to make them feel like its no big deal then it really isn't. I want that person to smile and tell me it was all just a terrible terrible nightmare and its a bright new day. Its all the same as I left it more than a year back. Its all OKAY, in the real sense of it. I just want that smile to wrap me and make me believe all that I have unlearned. Make me that happy innocent smiling child again. Remove the chirpy mask and still find the awesome me that is confident, smart and happy. Just so fucking happy, I used to be that it confused people. Now, it doesn't matter to them. Such is world. Such is Life.

I have no idea what am I going to make of myself. But something extreme awaits this time.

Love 'n' Peace.


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A Stale Piece of Cake

Of what was supposed to be a peaceful virtual interaction has become not a barrier but lets say, it’s a reef – slippery, disgusting, fancy looking yet not something you will pick up and take home as part of your collection. Like my life, now.

With no Internet for over two months, I have been waiting for a chance to write, to tell you a story, another chapter of a new life gone old. But as life has it, I am unable to match my steps with the stars that dance above my head. Clueless – Confused – I do not know where to start, before I catch up, the footwork has changed and it’s a new lesson all over again. A viscous circle I chose to go round and round in, not knowing it could spin my head. How foolish I could be? Going round and round continuously does give you a head ache. One of the first experimental lessons you learn while playing Ringa Ringa Roses. I am sorry. I forgot. Or maybe just wanted to play again. Feel that sadistic joy we all felt after those circles, again.

“Somewhere I think K has a negative influence in your life.”
“Why would you say that? That ain't true. I Love her!” It almost sounded forced to me. It might have to BG too.

This man was interested in me. We spoke all day. We flirted all night. Good looking. Smart. Could give him a shot cause I felt maybe it was high time I explore. I open up.
“He pinged me. I did not reply.”
“Because I know you guys are flirting and now we live together so I think I should not come into the picture.”
“Chill. Maybe it was just a ‘Whats up’ ping.”
For once I felt proud of her.
“Are you texting him?”
“Yes. You?”
“I am going to stop talking to him. I do not like him texting us both together…. “
Of course it was me who took a step back and they kissed, after a week of texting and getting introduced by me.

“Its like she wants every man you remotely flirt with.  If she was even slightly pretty, I would have asked you to pretend like you were flirting with me. Then, she would be interested in me too.”

As mean as that line was, it strangely made me feel good. It was BG’s opinion but it was like he said it for me. Like I felt this somewhere deep down but would never say it to self. And then, he said it, like, on my behalf.

I have been warned. None of my friends like her. Including V, the recent man I sleep with off and on. He does not even know her. Just thinks, “She is your friend, I understand. But why, I do not.”

Now my defence for her has come down to an unreasonable “Because I Love her. She is my oldest bestest friend.”
“You know, my friend had the chance to hit on this girl I liked. She was all over him. And I was not even in the same city. Yet, he backed off. Other guys didn’t. He did, cause he is my friend.”
BG’s anecdote that made me feel worse.

“I was about to go and ask that guy at the bar that he was trying to get all jiggy with you the last time.”
“Is the purpose of your life is to embarrass me?”
“No! Why should you be embarrassed? It is he, who should be.”
He, who flirted with her the first few times and then started to hit on me pretty blatantly and sexually. Ofcouse K was told about it. And she (probably) did not like it.

K is seeing RH. The man I had had my first one night stand with. The man was gentle and became a nicer person after I got to know him once K and he started dating. K is ofcourse having her fun while he is away. Her brother and I do not approve of it but then, ‘it is her life after all’.

It was a good time to go home. To just indulge in home cooked food and some comfortable quality time with family, where there would be no space left for me to think, to over think, to evaluate and to realize what I do not want to.

She decided to come to her home too after two days. I came back before her and saw some of my invaluable things missing. I checked her drawer, only because I have noticed other insignificant things from my house missing before and finding at her place. But I never confronted her regarding it. This time too, when I found it despite us sharing the room. I have not confronted and will not. But I know, now, that I have taken it back from where she hid it, she knows that I know.

Yes, this is what I live with. This, is what I call my life partner. This bond – a marriage. This closeness – a treasure. Unfortunate, I feel. This is all I have truly invested all my emotions in. Feels like finding your husband has been cheating on you after 20 years of a happy blissful marriage. I am sure, this is what this feels like. Sadly, I called her family. They do not do this, do they? Are they always that selfish? Does it make you feel like a toy? This does. This makes me feel like a fool. Worse than what CT made me feel – A never thought of heartbreak.

I fell in love with the man. He knew it. For his comfort, he was always around and otherwise, well… He is apparently finding his comfort in many like me. He has in the past and continues to do so. A hard step but I have taken many steps back, resisting the temptations of the comfort his arms. He angers me, like no man ever has. He saddens me, like no other bond had until K.

K beats everything. Unfortunately for me, all of this came together, slowly, like a venomous drug spreading through my veins, killing me softly without any pain. For once, struck with so many realizations, poured with so many lessons, I feel not cold, I feel not unnerved. I feel wiser. I feel stronger. I feel the original plan shall take place. I am even more seriously thinking of moving out of the country. Not now. No impulse has gotten me where I have wanted to be. And believe me, I have lived quite a part of my life on impulse. Take it as an advice, if you please.

A new world, a new set of people, not even familiar looking for that matter is what I am looking forward to, now. It’s a long time from now. Maybe a year, maybe more, maybe less, but it is to happen. I have fought my surrendering to a world of no love and no loyalty. I still have the strongest part of me going once again, my faith. Feelings will change. People will be replaced. But there is no escaping yourself. Be true to yourself. Do not let anything anyone turn you into what you do not want to be. For as lame and repetitive this may sound, believe you me, its true, my friend. If you are young, you are learning. And learn with an open heart. Never forget, at 50, you will have to pass the same lessons to your children. They will go through the same, god forbid, maybe worse and that is when they too will break down and come home, just to escape into their oldest comfort zone, the home cooked food.

I still have a lot of love and still a lot of strength to dive into adventures. This, my friend is nothing compared to the possibilities that exist in this world. So many lessons still await me and my old habit of learning them the way refuses to fade away. With every ash falling on the keys beneath this screen, the lips curve upwards, a little more.

“A True friend is he, who never talks behind your back”, said someone casually today. That is when I picked my laptop and moved out to start typing the above. But now, it is no more about the out pour, it is for you to know, nothing in this world is that important to learn it the hard way. Be cautious. Protect yourself a little, not over. Be sensible. Be open to learning. Be attentive and catch well whatever life throws at you. It could be an insignificant lemon that you may not sight in the sky, it could be a pumpkin that could break your head if not got your calculations right.

Love ‘n’ Peace.

Hugs. Kisses.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Walking on the Wild Side

I was so confused as a little child trying to make sense of love, of men of sex. I thought old people were hornier for they had more kids than our parent's generation because according to me people had sex just to make babies, which means two kids = had sex twice in life. Yes, I was a kid. Now, a whore? No. Definitely not. The music in me tells me its a good fuckin' life.

CT was loved. CT broke my heart. Common friend calls

"Do you know AB?"
"She is CT's new love interest."

This conversation while CT is in front of him. He denied loving her, being interested in her. But she landed in his city to see him. To surprise. Only, he was shocked. He didn't appreciate the impulse yet welcomed the 'shock' and took care of her. Told her this was not meant to work. She asked him to give her a baby boy and she would live with it for the rest of her life in a pilgrimage. *shakes head* Who talks like this today? CT came out clear to me and all our common friends calling her a psycho and started flirting with me once again. Ofcourse, I responded but cribbed to a friend as to wtf this was. On her insistence, I sent him a song pouring my feelings, he did not take it seriously and I thought I screwed up. He wrote something about a 'fat bitch' and I thought I came across as someone pushy to him and felt worst about self. Cribbed to K. And the best solution to a heartbreak is drinking endlessly with friends and meeting new people. Hence, was done.

Drinking smoking, like life is good. The music helped the sorrow fade away. The pain of his ignorance and a confession that got no response was healing in smoke circles of hash and big gulps of Bacardi. The best bit about regular pubs is meeting friends who are regulars there too. Bumped into V, a neighbor, a friend and a regular. We chatted like always but who knew going back home together would mean the same this time too. V and I had no chemistry.

"Do you want to go back home together?"
On the way.
"Do you have any alcohol at home?"
"Yes. Beer?"
Conversation from our same roots, our childhood, education, politics were taken over by music once home.
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"I am not much of a reactor." Followed by some personal anecdote about some nondiscrimination, cause that is the word I heard.
"You still haven't answered my question."
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"Eeerr... I do not know how to react on this. " After a long pause. "Everything is good man."

He got off his chair which was a feet away from me and leaned. Led me to my room and undressed me like this was all that was on his mind. He was rather different in bed. Can not say, good or bad, but different. Also, considering I had regrown my virginity after almost a year of no 'humpy action', I was in a sorted place. Stoned. Drunk. Horny. Both of us. We did it twice. He stayed back, cuddled and slept. Just the perfect end to a heartbreak. My life is a fucking movie! Yes, I also made morning tea for him and he left with my mug. Neighbours, you see.

As soon as he left, I check my phone and find a text from CT saying he has a stop over in the city for 3-4 hours. And yes, we met. He, me and our common friends. I thought it would be very awkward between us because of the conversation we had yesterday but it was not. He hung out all night as friends, laughed, flirted and he made one of the best home made coffees I have ever had. Told me and the friends about AB's antiques and how he wrote the 'fat bitch' for her friend who was talking slyly about him. CT was looking for books in my room when I walked in and he pulled me in to hug. It was a hug I was longing for and loving every second wrapped around his arms. I have not found such comfort anywhere but in his arms. Its warm. I melt and forget the world. We kissed. (D'uh!) We all left to drop him and all through the way I slept on his shoulder, he played with my hair, stole kisses and he sang in my ears through the way. It was perfect. It was comfortable. Just so comfortable! The kind that a craving pregnant woman finds in her chocolate ice cream at 3:00 AM. Yes, that. And then, he left. We were in a happy place, once again. As I saw him go, I saw my heart turn away. It did not sink, did not smile, did not break. No questions asked. No answers given. For nothing was felt. No emotions left. And once again, I was emotion less. Left wanting to feel the feeling called 'love' but it was misunderstood in CT's case too.

My feelings confuse me in the strangest ways. Sometimes I think I thought I was in love with CT only because I wanted to be in love. Sometimes I think, maybe I was which is why I let go of myself, got myself heartbroken and am now making a sinner of my memory by constantly telling the heart 'it wasn't love'. I have let it go. Fuck it, like they say. Emotions are not my thing. Too much hard work recognizing, feeling and understanding. Next day, I text CT 'I need a headrest.' He would know what I mean, but he did not reply. Realized, its best till its there. Do not put yourself through the same thing of constantly flirting and finding mush and comfort in him. I will only fall in love again, question again, break this heart again. Before I could let it go completely, I find out AB, 'fat bitch' and CT's ex have ganged up against him and talking crap to the world, abusing him left, right and center. Apparently, he had been flirting with the 'fat bitch' too and many other women. All of these women found out and became the Crazy Ex Girlfriends. Tarnishing his reputation, pulling everyone by the collar and telling them what a bitch CT is and how girls should beware of a nympho like him.

Well, I do not deny that for he is a flirt. He does make his woman feel like he is dying to be with them but can not. He is a player, that way. I was only glad these women did not know about me or at least did not drag me into this considering how they really were dragging the world into this matter. I stayed quiet for a few days but felt bad for him. Finally defended him a little. Not really defended but at least asked the women to stop washing their dirty laundry in public. Its a simple thing. I have met AB. She is bloody sweet and I respect her belief in love and passion for it but I am sorry, I am not a very big fan of women letting go off their dignity. If a woman thinks a man is an Asshole and does not deserve your love, then he does not deserve your wrath too because men find guilt in a woman's silence not in her blabbering to the world about his character. If a woman respects herself, she does not have to shut up and cry about it but be bloody strong and have the balls to not howl and cry to the world. I am sorry, that is not how you guard your self respect which a man had already shaken when you fell for him. Unfortunately they did and why did I speak for him? Because as a friend, I thought I must. Yes, just as a friend.

I know exactly the conversations he must have had with these women. So much so i can quote him. But neah, not a feeling felt, not a drop of jealousy, not an inch of pain or betrayal. I knew he is a Flirt all along. I knew what he meant and how much of it when he said whatever he did. Whether him wanting to cuddle up in the middle of a night or wanting to ball dance to Beethoven. He did mean it all, but only momentarily. I knew that. They didn't. Unfortunate for CT that he had to go through such public humiliation. He did mess with the wrong women and I texted him along with a friend assuring him he was a nice guy, no matter what. He is a friend. The Love, the pain was gone, like it never existed. Like our togetherness never existed. Ofcourse he did not reply to that either. He is coming back to town in a few days. Do not know if we will meet. Do not know if we will ever know or see each other again. Its a chapter that does not know its end.

The Walk on the Wild Side has just begun!

Regular weekends include K and I getting stoned and listening to crazy music. One of such weekends fell right after CT left and TC comes back. We had been in touch off and on trying to figure when is a good time for him to come over and that day I just let him. K, he and I chilled until we went to my room and finished what was meant to. Just when we finished and we were trying to catch our breath, the door bell started ringing like crazy. It was 2:30 in the night. It was scary cause the bell would not stop ringing, I rush and open the door and what do I see? FUCKING V was standing outside my door, drunk.

"WTF are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. Do not want to sleep alone."
"But I have friends over."
"So, we will sleep in your room."
"V! This is crazy."
"I know but keep me with you, please."
"V, I have friends."

After trying to put some sense in his head for 15 minutes outside my door, I took him to the other room and asked him to stay there till i came. In the meanwhile I went back to my room, told TC a friend came over and TC said he will leave, and so he did. K was in the drawing room, confused. Yes, I was too. All my buzz was gone in that time. Went back to V, we cuddled, we made out until the bell began ringing again like crazy. This time it was my flatmate, who came home pissed drunk. I wanted to kill myself at that moment. So much panic. So much drama. This was out of a fucking film, I warned ya. I make V put his clothes back on and took him into my now empty room. Thankfully he was too drunk to realize there were no friends in my room now, like I had told him just a few minutes back. Flatmate, drunk and confused. I tucked V in the bed and went out to take care of a drunk Flatmate who had to leave the house in 15 minutes again to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. Hydrated her, got her into her senses and put her in her car. Both of us giggling like girls with no idea how to react on what was happening.

Once she left, I went back to V. We had unexpected sex. It was just about cuddling, right? He freaked me out by saying 'I Love you' during the act too many times. Did not let him finish and put him back to sleep. Woke up, and the regular tea and music followed V, K and me. V finally after spending a long time in the morning and few short making out sessions, left for home.

I just wanted to get comfortable, hug my best friend, K and sleep. K and I, both had not slept all night. My head was hurting with so much panic and so much sex till I finally slept in the afternoon the next day. Within two hours, I had had sex twice with two different men that night. It sounds pretty whore-ish but it did not feel that way at all. And now I wonder, where is the bloody conscience? Where are the bloody feelings? Blowing away with every smoke circle? Drowning with every gulp of rum? Where was CT? I want to hold him and sleep. Sing for me, while I sleep?

Love 'n' Peace.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Chaotic Peace

Bad Dreams come to us all. We all wake up in the middle of the night to look around for comfort. To take us in our arms and calm our fears down. Why do bad dreams scare us so much? Because it is in your sleep that your conscience fully awakens, answering all your questions in semiotic forms. Mine do too.

"Tell me"
"Nothing. Just wanted a Hug then."

CT is still missed. He still fucks my head. I still wait for my phone to beep to see his name flash. He is missed. But not longed. Maybe not loved either.

Funny, how we wish for someone in our lives just to boost our self esteems. Funny how we want them just to comfort ourselves with a thought of having someone. You may not want them, yet you do, for reasons that are complex. That someone for me is CT.

When CT happened, I knew exactly what this was. I knew it will end with a kiss at the break of dawn. We continued to act all mushy, staying in touch. Flirting. Loving. That too came to an end with unsettling emotions and conversations. Sometimes it feels like it vanished in a whiff. Maybe it did, but why did I not feel a jerk. Instead, I felt anger. Anger at being rejected like this. Anger at not getting an upper hand. Anger at not getting a chance at massaging my ego. But then, when have I?

In all the past months, of all the men have come and gone, I have been the door mat. I have been the foolish one hoping to make it work, even when I actually did not want to. Probably because I wanted a stable relationship more than the person.

No point in self victimizing and lying to yourself. Lets face it - In the deepest and darkest of the corners of my heart what it all was. It was all a sham. They all, just temporary comforts. There is indeed a comfort, a morale boost in being longed. In being wanted, but not giving. That piece was missing. As much as I wanted to reach that stage, I ended up being on the other end. Or at least making them believe so.

All of these men probably think I long for them, when I do not. All of these men would probably think at some point in their lives, I loved them (or at least I hope they do), when I did not. Love, my friend, is a funny game.

So many of you said in the last post, I need a change. A new set of friends. A new city. I too thought that would do the trick, but not until you make those minor changes in self. Everybody in Every city are the same, if you are. And everybody in the same city change, if you do.

I have spent too much time looking for love, finding some awesomely wrong ones, made some terrible mistakes. Felt used, hurt, special, cheated and more, all in the meanwhile. But this is part of the process. It is what takes you closer to what you really have and value it.

Unlike all these men, G is home. Times when I really look for a clue if 'true love' and 'stability' exist, all I do is shut my eyes and bury myself in G's arms. G is where I find true comfort. G is home. Its now I understand why I broke up with G. To really know and understand what I had. And luckily, I have not lost.

"Are you officially dating that girl from your office now?"
"No. But we go out."
"Then date her no, dumb-dumb."
"No point. Her parents are looking for boys for her. Plus I have no intentions of marrying for another 5-6 years."
"Oh! So if I do not find anybody after 5-6 years, I can still flirt with you."
"Ofcourse! You are THE WOMAN in my life."

How stupid was I to let this man slip who would be around, holding me, stabilizing me, loving me, encouraging me, holding my hand even when his body and mind are completely occupied by the television set in front of his eyes. This is love. This is a relationship. I have never ever even been able to imagine a life like that with any other man. The thoughts have never gone beyond your typical teenage love dreams. Maybe a little more when it came to BG and CT. BG was too good a friend to question any comfort. It was easy to think of comfortable times with him because he was a great friend. CT, guess it was the timing. The peak of desperation to get out of the mess that all other men created and finding love in that stranger. But the truth is, CT was never comfort. BG was the comfort, you find in friends. G, is home!

Now, why would I not get back to G?

Its simple, actually. He is that one man I would never want to hurt in my life. He is that only man who has earned my respect and trust through and through. I would not do ANYTHING on this planet to fuck with his head ever again. I have done that enough. Not again.

I truly love him for what he is. And I respect him, more than anything else. What if I change my mind? What if an external factor makes it difficult? Just, what if it is not to work out again? Then, what? My relationship with G is so special to me that I would not want it loosing its real essence with a second chance. Like an awesome movie fucking it up with a squeal. G is special. And to treasure it and have it all my life, I will save it under a secret place, where no one can find it. I Love you G. (I had not said that in so long!)

Now, my current status on Love, Sex and Relationships?

Love - May or May not happen. No hurry, any more. No point looking cause you only end up finding the wrong ones. The right one will walk upto you just be alert enough to recognize it.

Relationships - They do not just happen. They need hard work from both ends. You are only ready for it when you are willing to trust, love and share a life. Maybe I am not ready for that yet.

Sex - Oh! How badly I should be getting laid right now. And ofcourse ask the man to fuck off after I have orgasmed. (Ego Boost? Remember?)

I have found my peace in this chaos. You would not know what peace is, till chaos comes. You would not know what love is, till hurt and rejection happen. You will not know what sex is, till you have had a long dry spell.

Am I back? Or Am I back? My Lovelies, I throw my arms at you for a BIG HUG and a BIG KISS. (Like G and I always said. ;))

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - I am not going to stop looking around. I am not going to stop making the mistakes I have. I am going to live, learn and have fun. I am not going to attach myself to anybody just because I need that 'comfort'. And you understand this only after you have discovered what you were actually looking for.
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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!