Friday, November 18, 2011

Pieces of the Heart

All I wanna do is crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. Running away from the past does not come easy, but this hurt I feel is not easy to face, either. Sleepless nights. Sleepy nights full of nightmares. Nightmares of blood. Blood that flows in my broken heart. The pieces of this broken heart can't be put together anymore.

Which piece of the broken heart do I begin from? The Phoenix in me is finally dying with no hope to rise again. I am sure it has a re birth limit like a cat too.

I said this in the previous post 'Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does.' And so it did. Not once. Not twice, but over and over again. Just aged a thousand years in a few weeks. Only so much can a lonely heart take. A heart, open for loving and being loved. A heart granting constant forgiveness. A heart, which is failed and hopeless, now.

Sitting by my window, hiding behind music, I let the emotion die with every minute. But then every song has a story to tell. Stories that just imprison me with hurt again.

K began dating RH, a betrayal of friendship, I thought. F happened right around that time. One meeting, one kiss and the heart smiled. It happened again. And again. I went away only to come back and find out F and K were online friends. F had fallen for K, in the first 'chat'. They talked allot, they flirted, WTF was really happening. Is my life being filmed for some reality movie? Seemed like it. F vanished saying 'He found K hot and liked her.' I was just away for three days and his 'feelings' for me died.

K knew I thought of F as an Asshole of sorts, now. She secretly spoke to him and lied to me about ignoring him. But why was she doing that? She was already dating RH that time. Cutting the cake and having it too? All I knew was, my friend stood by me in words. She hailed abuses at F for acting like a jerk with me, but what she did not know was I knew that she was still being nice to him, maybe more than that.

It was F's birthday, and we go to our regular pub. The pub was renewed. The claustrophobic charm was lost. We sang to our favorite songs and stared at the newness of the pub, looking stoned and bored. K whispered, "Your F, is here too." I had already noticed and ignored. I turned back and said, "I know. How did you recognize him? You two have not met ever."
"Pictures! He gave me a familiar look and I turned away. I understood it was him."
"Hhhmm." (So buy able!)
"You can go say Hi!"
"I don't want to."
RH held her from behind and they began dancing again. And I excused myself from the place.

F pinged the next day confirming if I was there at the pub or not.
"I thought I saw you at this place."
"If it was two days ago, then you might have cause I was there."
"I met your friend, K too."
"Oh! Yes, it was her birthday. But how did you guys know each other?"
"She recognized me and said Hi. So we talked."
"Why did you not say Hi to me?"
"Because I did not see you. Was really drunk and stoned, you see."
"I thought you saw me and ignored. So I did the same."
"Lol. I am not that kind of a person. I will say Hi next time I see you."

I partially lied. I am not that kind of a person for sure, but I was at that time. I was angry. For once, I felt anger at a man.

Call it destiny, call it co incidence, I met him again the next day at another pub where I went drinking with another friend. We smiled and did say Hi this time.

He spoke to me once I got home. He weirdly kept insisting who was this 'friend' I was with at the pub. I laughed it off until he began crying about how K had now begun ignoring him. That he would now 'delete' her from his life cause it hurt him to see her around but be treated this way. I just listened. Why? Because I know he is a lonely messed up man with no friends. I pitied him, now.

S, the longest wooing man in my life had begun to build up now. I was not open to a relationship when he first asked me to give it a shot, but after an entire year of wooing, and the recent hurt, I was wanting to find stability in my Love life and I knew, S was the perfect guy for it.

S and I spoke for days. Met. He came home. We hardly hugged. We knew this was going somewhere. We were happy. There were times he would not reply to texts and calls too. But when he would, he seemed genuinely busy. I let it go. We decided to meet again, but without informing he cancelled. I let it go. Probably my heart was not all into him, after all. It did not seem to matter that much. Happened again and then again. Finally he had to be told to leave. He was told how hurtful it was to cancel on someone and not adhere to the general courtesy of letting the person know. It was also hurtful and rude. All he had to say was he was still busy in office. He could have done that earlier in the evening too, but he did not. And never tried getting in touch again. Now, when I look back, I see it as a good thing. I was never attracted to him. He would just be a distraction. As a matter of fact, I had no feelings for F too. I just felt like a bus stand for all these men who walked in and out as per their convenience.

I decided to let it all go and never again give a chance to another man. The best way to distract yourself - Get drunk with a new set of people or friends who you know are harmless and totally capable of distracting my mind. And so they did. Met new people, smiled, laughed, felt myself coming back. Also made one of the best fun conversations with CT. CT came to town just for twelve hours to meet another of the new friends. We were pissed drunk. He asked for a hug and I do not know how but he leaned in for a kiss and we kissed until interrupted by another friend who walked in on us. We kissed and kissed again later. He held my hand through out. We spent the night just holding each other, talking literature and feeling each other. Cuddling, hugging and kissing. He talked about his ex and how she had hurt him. He asked, "Have you ever been hurt?"
"I do not want to talk about it."
He held me and kissed me again.
"I miss being loved."
And my heart melted. We all do. I do too. And all I wanted to do that night was make him feel loved because I know how lonely and horrible it feels. He was going to leave at the break of dawn, anyway.

We loved, we laughed, we talked and kissed all night. Only to say goodbye to the perfect stranger in the morning.

We should have stopped there. But two lonely hurt hearts can not do that. We texted. We spoke. We shared our days in pictures and words for days. There was mush all over my face, all over my phone.

F kept calling and texting the next day. I ignored. Not only was I done with him, completely. I was also happy being with someone else. F called all day. I ignored all day. F finally texted at 2 AM. "I am outside your house." I met him. He leaned in to kiss. I pushed him away and gave him a piece of my mind, he deserved. He had the audacity to say, "If you were just a booty call. I would have come inside your house." Like I would let him in?
"Do you realize you can not walk in and out on people? It hurts."
"What about people who are already hurt, L?"
"That gives you no right to hurt other people. You are just messed up and need to sort your life out. I promise to be there as a friend but this is not something I can put up with."
I walked out on him, forever.

In the meanwhile, CT and I were like a happy couple who are blushing and smiling all day. He sang for me 'Strangers in the Night' and we knew we were each other's 'perfect strangers', not knowing we will see each other again or not. We knew we felt for each other too. It was not just a one night thing.

This very thought began to frustrate me and I expressed it so. He calmed me down and said he had no clue just like me, only to see him withdraw from the next day. I reciprocated in the same way. Only to find out later, his ex got to know about us and was giving him hell for it. He said he was guilty to lead me on and hurt me. I should have stopped. I didn't. I behaved like my asshole self. Acting all nice and understanding while I died inside. I told him how he could have been an asshole like the rest and just vanished if he wished to, but he was a gentleman to talk about it. We let it go after that conversation. Yet, it did not stop. I cried non stop for two full days. Hiding my swollen red eyes from the world. Sometimes, I still get them. CT, was liked. He came back to say he loved me. And we got back to our usual self again. And when after days he asked if I loved him too, I confessed. And he began to fade away again. This time, I really let it go. I find it hard not to be talking to him all the time. Not to waking up to his sweet nothings in the middle of the night, I miss that morning squeeze and the sleepy cuddles we talked and imagined about. But we got to let it go. We may have wanted each other. But his heart and mind was pre occupied and I was just a mere distraction for him.

It hurts still. Even now, when I want to snuggle in my bed and cry myself to sleep, I wish CT would hold me and kiss me to sleep. But we will not. And never will. Probably no man ever will. Because I am done. I am dead. My heart is a dead phoenix that can not rise from the ashes again.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Love Sex and Friends.

When you wake up and reach for the left over Belgian Chip Chocolate Ice Cream in your Freezer and then the left over half bar of Twix, the world will know you have not had a good week.

Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does. Just when I was wondering all of my days what do I write on my Blog, cause nothing except work happens in my life. RH came back and how!

RH is back, living with my best friend K. How does he know her? Reminder - K's boyfriend's best friend, also RH is that sweet loving caressing guy I had a one nighter with. He was gone for a year and has re appeared, but left like a Ghost.

K, like always kept trying to hook me and RH up through out his stay, but I kept ignoring, instead made fun of the whole idea in front of RH and let it go. Despite K trying to place me with him verbally, she would always stick around with him, flirt with him in obvious ways. Where is K's boyfriend? Away for the last two months for work, and will remain away for the next four to six months more.

"RH and I kissed!"
"No, I could not hear you."
"RH and I kissed."
"WTF dude!"
"I know."
We laugh.

I really had no clue how to react. Thankfully I was with this other close friend of mine at that time and I just lay my head on the table after hanging up and the friend knew what just happened. Apparently, none of my friends like K. They think she is weird and not a true friend to me. But the point is, she is my friend and I do not give a fuck. I will do anything and everything for her. But this time? I did not know.

"RH and K kissed."
After a pause.
"I am not surprised."
Awkward silence.
"WTF man! I knew this was coming but really this should not have come."
"No well... This ain't cool man. Friends DO NOT kiss the same guy. Ever!"
"Then you should tell her that..."
"Now? When she has already kissed him?"
"Before she sleeps with him."
"My saying will not stop her from sleeping with him."
"Then your friendship is fucked up."
"Dude! She is going to sleep with the man you slept with."
"Dude! It is not about him. I don't give a flying fuck about RH. Its just as a friend she should not have done that. Its weird man..."
"Then tell her no..."
"I don't think RH is worth fighting over with K."
"WTF are you talking?"
"She sounds excited about RH. I can not help it. I should have known when she kept randomly saying things like 'I can share my man with you cause you are such a best friend of mine' jazz. Argh."

K Calling.

"Are you mad at me?"
"Cause you know... RH and me..."
"Oh! Crazy woman! Why will I be mad at you? Are you stupid?"
"Phew! I knew it. I Love you. Come soon. We need to talk. I am going to explode in excitement."
"Ill be there in a while. See you. Muah."

"Why the fuck did you not tell her?"
"Cause I Love her too much. I just can not.... I do not want to kill it for her... She is excited and happy."
"You are not being a true friend."
"I am sorry. I can never be mad with her. Even if she fucked my husband."
"WTF dude. That is just sick!"
"I do not know. I Love very very few people this way but when I do, I do man."
"Stop trying to fit into Godly nice shoes. Get real, for God's sake!"
"You are not going to understand this. It is weird for me. It is crazy. It is not something I am cool with. But I will also let it go. It shall pass away."
"You guys are fucked up."
"So be it."

I did what a friend is to do. Defended her. Laughed with her. Got happy for her. Hi5ed and smiled and giggled like 14 year olds do. But I tore inside. RH was just a one night stand. I was not emotionally involved with him ever, yet I felt cheated and betrayed somewhere. Why did she do this? She described how he played with her hair, held her hand, caressed her lovingly and made her feel like no other man ever has. I just smiled. This time I could not bring myself to Aaaww her because I felt the same and I could not tell her that that is how he feels. I smiled for her. Dying inside for reasons I do not know.

She added me to hers and RH's conversation, it was now a serious conference.

"What do we do about the boyfriend, L?"
"Lol. Finally realized?"
"This whole equation is fucked up man."
"Well... That it is."
"RH's best friend is my boyfriend. My best friend slept with RH. Me and RH are going to sleep together. WTF, man!"
RH was in the conversation but only as a listener. What was he to say, anyway?
Maybe my friend was right. I should let K know I am not cool with this before she actually goes and sleeps with my husband.
Funnily, she laughed it off and got back to her usual "RH RH RH" mode. I left the conversation. I'd rather kill my time with this other friend of mine whom I was chatting with along side, J.

"Whats up?"
"Just buying a sandwich. Really need a smoke. Cant find."
"I'll give you a smoke. You get me a sandwich. Super hungry."
"Where are you?"
We were apparently very close.
"I will seriously come over."
"Lol. No. I am kidding. It is 2 AM."
"But damn. I really need a smoke."
"And I really need a sandwich."
"What do we do?"
"Argh. Just come man!"
He came. We sat. We smoked. We talked. We went out for a drive in crazy rains. Ate sandwiches. Came back home. Smoked. Lots of small talk. And then he left.

I locked my house and before I turned, my phone beeped.
"Just so you know. You are cuter than I thought you were."
"Thank you. And you are really sweet."
"Sweet is not good enough. Err... I do not want to kill this but I really wanted to kiss you."
"You remember I am married and have two kids."
"I will still take my chances."
"Funnily, I have not left yet. I am sitting in my car, messaging you."
"You must go."
"I wanna see you one more time before leaving. Coming to the car?"
"No. :P"
"I can not ask you to come if you do not want to. But I will wait for 5 mins. If you come, great. If not, then well, bye."
"Honestly, its 4:30 AM. I am not too sure if I should walk upto your car alone."
"Come out of your house. I am coming there."
"I am coming out just to SAY Good Night."

The doorbell rang. I stood at my door. He sat on the stairs beside it.
"Its late."
"I know."
"You must go."
"Stop being an Asshole."
He leaned in and kissed.

Despite all that flirting, I was shocked and surprised at what happened. But then we kissed and we kissed and we kissed. Ofcourse he tried getting his hands inside my shirt and on my breasts. But I stopped him. I was proud. I knew I did not want another one nighter. With RH now turning into a disaster and the last one, well you all know what the hell that was. I just did not want one more to add to this horrible feeling list of mine. We kissed for hours and then he left when well it became extremely difficult for him to 'hold on'. Once he got back. We spoke for hours on the phone. Small talk. He said some really nice things to me. The nicest being 'You look so innocent that it is impossible to have dirty thoughts about you. All I wanna do is stare at this angel face and kiss it.' Just the perfect time to say that. I really really needed to hear something so nice after feeling this horrid and torn about RH and K. All it took was that kiss and his sweet talk and random fun company to make me forget all about RH and K. It did not matter anymore, all of a sudden. I was now thinking of F.

When I told K about F, she was excited. Thought I had landed a jackpot with his looks and job. But admitted he looked unstable and a flipper. That makes us complete opposites. She insisted I should date him, but then it was just one meeting, one kiss. He called the next day, asked if he could come over, but I was with a friend. I messaged him the day after that and he did not reply. I kept waiting all night. But he did not. I was right, afterall.

"Date him, L."
"K, This is going to end with a fuck."
"I think he likes you."
"K, No."
"No, believe me L. Men fuck me, they like you."
"I have no clue what makes you think that way. But just so you are reminded. You end up dating all the men you sleep with, and I do not even stay in touch."
"Also, I have slept with some 20 men and you just 3."
We laughed.
"I cant date him. He is not stable, K."
"And you are not fun. You are boring. You have no life. You both will balance each other out."
"K, Where the fuck are you taking this one kiss? This kiss was just a I-will-make-you-feel-special-till-I-fuck-you."
"I have no clue who has hurt you, L. But this will not end with a fuck, babe."

I did not say a thing. Now, I just did not know what do I feel bad about. About how I am disappointed in my friendship? About how K, despite having told her everything, very conveniently says 'she has stopped feeling deep emotions'? She is flipping. I am scared to see her this way. I really am. About F not replying to my text last night? About me being just a fuck for F? About how I will not find a 'relationship'? About how the stability I am so proud of is just on the outside and inside I am an emotional wreck? About how everyday I feel 'bad things happen to bad people' and so I am a bad person? About how I maybe giving in too much to my friendship without receiving anything in return? About waiting and waiting and just waiting like the Step Sister who has no story but just a pretty dress, an ugly face and the significance of a vamp?

I can not look sad. I can never show or express my true feelings, emotions and fears to anyone on this planet. I can not thank god enough for giving me writing. For if this was not there, my absolute power over pretense and fake smiles would be lost.

May you all Love endlessly and find true and genuine Book Love.

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - Everyone please put your hands together for Sulagna , my Blogger Diva who just gave birth to a beautiful Bengali Babe. One more girl out in this world to love endlessly and be loved even more so. Hugs Su. You have no idea, how happy I am for you. Congratulations! You will make a Super Cool Mom! Love you.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Typical Indian Male

"Yes... I didn't get gang raped. Heading Home... SAFE!"
":) Love you. Hope you enjoyed it."
"Long conversation... man!"
Message delivered to K.

I rush into an auto, just cause its been over seven hours and I have not gotten my damned smoke. After ages it was a peaceful, no traffic early morning ride back home. Courtesy calls - I message him. But no, I don't want to. Why? Conversation with self last night.

I walk out of the washroom feeling shy and naked. Rush for my shirt on the chair.
"Unfair. I am still naked. You can sleep naked too."
I smile and lay beside him. TC puts his arm around me. I put my hand on his thankfully no hair chest. Or maybe there were some. Too dark for me to see and nothing that I felt. But I liked cause I was being held after a long time.

"Umm... If my arm stays around you like this, I wont be able to sleep."
I smile and begin to move back. TC grabs me back and we get onto it for the second time.

I came. Thankfully, cause I did not think he was capable of it after he felt hesitant about going down on me and even about turning around and me getting on top of him. What? Really? Do men in today's world deny getting some effortless pleasure? Or did he sense my You-ain't-getting-this-right-Mr.- let-me-take-over feeling? I hope he sensed it. So instead I turn around and well almost did it from behind.

There were times I could not help but laugh. I am sure it hurt his 'mardangi'. But sorry my dear stranger, you had a eight month dry patch, Me, not even a month.

"When was the last time you did it?"
He smirked, "Eight months."
"Fuck! That's long!"
"Two weeks.."
An uncomfortable, "Two weeks! I should be the one saying Two days!"
I knew what he was thinking. Yet, the cheap ass that I am, I poked and asked.
"Why do you say that?"
"Cause I'm a guy!"
-1000000000000000000 Sorry stranger, you're points are in negative now. You lost too many too soon already.
"That is bloody chauvinistic of you!"
"Yes! The Male Chauvinistic Pig."
"Pig? You are a fucking asshole who will be getting no more sex from me, Asshole. Not just cause you're a chauvinist, also cause you ain't good, my love. Oh wait! Most chauvinists are bad in bed or is it the other way? The men who are bad in bed decide to become MCPs cause they have nothing else to keep their self esteem up?"
I smile, turn around and bury my face in the wall. Two feet away from him.

10 minutes later...

"Do you have an ashtray?"
I stare at him in the dark. I am sure he could feel it.
"Its a no smoking room."
Okay. Calm down, L. Not like you care about him but where did the manners go?
"Oh! You're allergic?"
"No. The landlord is. He keeps his house smoke free."
"I'm glad I don't live here."
I lay back in digress.
"Like really? Are you fucking kidding me, asshole? Your landlord is fucking five floors down. Will never know and you are no ideal tenant otherwise I wouldn't be here. Right?"
Gosh! He just denied me my after sex smoke! WTF! No one ever does that! Grumpy face gets worst. Anger increases. Check the phone. Four more hours before its decent time for me to get out of this damn place. I NEED MY SMOKE. He does not even cuddle. Not that I am a cuddle-all-night-after-sex girl. I have a penis in my head, for heavens. Yet! Courtesy? Hello?

Back to the wall.
Final calculation of his points.

1) Picked up - +10.
2) Was gossiping with a friend on phone - -100.
3) Talks rudely with cops cause he thinks his job will get him through all the shit - -200.
4) Defends his fight saying 'Cops are assholes. They should know where they belong.' - 'Err? Wha? What did you just say?' -500.
5) Made the first move - +50.
6) Was too quick in the making out business (He took off my shirt in five minutes of kissing!) - -10.
7) Smelt great - +300.
8) Was particular about his cleanliness and the room's - +100.
9) When I say 'Go slow' I mean it. Instead being the 'Typical Indian Male' he thrust it in. - -10000.
10) Cock size - Normal - You don't gain any. You don't lose any.
11) Ate up my fucking right breast. Overdid it. - -50.
12) He made this weird grunt like sound sometimes - What are you? An Ass in disguise? Your cock does not suggest that. -100.
13) Could not figure out the damn hole - Made me feel as if he was a Virgin. Clit is not a hole, Mr.! And ofcourse he was over confident about how he knows where he is going is right! I had to actually say this to him, "TC! My hole! I'd know better!" - -100000.
14) DID NOT know the art of Seduction - -1000.
15) Hesitant about going down. Just used fingers. Did not even know how to do that. - What the fuck do you have a mouth for? Not like you are a great kisser! Oh! Wait! Why should he go down? Against the MCP guideline, man! -10000000.
16) Refused, rather offended by the offer of changing positions - Its a man's job to be on top of a woman. A woman should know her place. Beneath the man! Isn't it, Mr. MCP? - -100000.
17) Could not get the hole behind right too. - I helped but gave up after a point. Your ego will not accept you ain't getting this right, so no point. By now, I was like, Get done with this damn thing! -10000000.
18) Eight months of no sex - -100 Yes. Now I am just pissed so just about anything will make him lose points.
19) Oh Shit! How could I forget this one! Random bad Music in the Car - -100000000000.
20) Plays Basketball - +100. This is a generously added point just cause he lost too many. (See, I am nice.) True Point - Came before me in the first round - -10000 How Typical of Men!


Believe me, I could come up with more negative points, but then I am being lenient. Also, these are leniently given points. I have rather been generous!

That was my first One Night Stand with a complete stranger I met about two weeks back at a Pub and exchanged numbers in a drunken state. Finally met last night for a not so great night. There was NOTHING exciting about it. I hate G for this. I shall blame him for the rest of my life for spoiling me in bed. And RH for all the Romantic guy loving, caressing, playing with the hair and all that jazz after sex, even though it was just a One Night thing. He made me feel like such a girl. Special and Loved. G, you are an asshole for setting the damn sexual experience bar way too high. I am sorry, I am spoiled. A brat and bloody good in bed. And I know that!

G = Catch!
RH = Small cock but made up with all that loving, sweet kisses and tender caresses.
TC = Thumbs down!

Can not wait and have that long conversation with K and laugh my ass out with her over wine. Much needed.

Conclusion, To be great in bed, you have to be a good person too. Being a chauvinist or proud of your position will only turn women off. Keep that in mind, men! ;)

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - TC just makes me believe I have a cock in my head even more. Tell me I am wrong, my girls! ;)

Monday, February 14, 2011

Out of Reach!

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel dissin' again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Marshall you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

- Eminem - Beautiful

I just had to write a post today, even if it meant without will. Without will? Yes. I am no more in that 'love' zone. I am back in the 'I do not believe in love' zone of mine.

I was out on a date day before with the guy who had been asking me out for the last six months now. Finally I agreed and went. There was nothing natural about it. I had to force myself to strike a conversation on phone, sms, chat and not so much in person, thankfully, but I did not leave with a feeling. I could feel allot in common but it was just a meeting and back.

I see people talking of love, losing, breaking hearts, being heart broken, being love struck, but by the end of the day it all seems so dramatic, just so made up. Nothing seems real. Everything so forced. So many of us want partners just because it is hard to see others holding someone lovingly and you have no one to. Is this real love? No. It has to be natural. I am still very conservative about such things. If it does not make you feel like leaving the world behind, it is not worth it. Which is why I love Dips, honestly, the only woman I think who hangs on to true love and lives by it. She is my girl from old love lorn literature. Hugs!

Love, today for me has become an over rated emotion. Too much chase, for what? For mostly feeling confused, finding nothing in it, rather letting it be because we think love will find its own route. I guess I am not even making sense, because I have just lost all my interest in that feeling called love, have no opinions about it too. Its just one of those things flashing on News Channels tickers 24*7, people love to discuss but have nothing discreet to say or do about it. Guess, I am just a wrong person for love, now.

I have no option but to believe and I do without compulsion, 'I am not meant for relationships'. Life is so much more, but then, I see no point in anything. I almost feel dead. There just seem to be no emotions in me. No hurt. No love. No insecurity. No surety. Its all just a phase, but love has been lost. It may try to reach me, but I see it coming and then turn my back to it. I don't even know what love really is. Its just weird. Lets just say, I will never admit to it. Since I was a kid, I have never admitted crushes and attractions even to the closest of my friends. Because I thought this was being made up by me. I never let myself lose enough to allow it to be natural. I probably have not grown up or the pattern was so repeated that it has become me, now.

Forget about admitting, I do not feel it in me anymore. Not like, there maybe something on my mind which maybe taking up more space, but it just is not there. There is nothing in it. Love is lost. True love, for me does not exist. Relationships are selfish.
We want to be loved - Selfish.
We want a shoulder to cry on - Selfish.
We want to come home to a loving person - Selfish.
We want to be understood - Selfish.
We want to .... Blah!
And when we are too willing to give, we become Selfless and frustrated in the relationship.

WTF is this? I have forgotten all my lessons. I have no clue about this. And at this point of time in my life, I don't want to. Its like that boring subject, you want to bunk all classes of.

I do not want to fall in a love trap. I do not want to love. I do not want 'love' coming my way, even more. It makes me want to try and I hate putting so much effort in something that should be as natural as the growth of wild flowers is. Having said this, I am not losing all my hope. One day, it will come to me, and that day I will not know what I have but we will be 'in love' swinging on the seesaw of emotions, of selfishness and selflessness. We will never get bored. We will fly. We will come down. And the ride will be a beautiful one, one of ups and downs, one of freedom, content and LOVE.

Dear Love, we will meet someday, hopefully. :)

Happy Valentines Day!

Love 'n' Peace.

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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!