Emotions are a Man Made thing.

Exhausted. Physically too. Can not. Do not want to write. Been avoiding for months. Still want to. But something tells me if its not now, it will have to be a Doctor.

I came out of the theater, whimpering, like a cat. Skyfall had nothing to do with it. But the world was crumbling inside my head. I longed for peaceful moments but that night I dreaded it. It was not going to be easy spending the next one week alone in a house in silence. Especially calculating his arrival and knowing of hers.

CT was going to come to town again. And his new love and BG's old was already in town - R.

Funny, this world is. Before I knew BG, he fought, thew tantrums and insisted I was R, the love that broke his heart and he was never the same again. She was married and she played along with him during her trying times. Sought comfort in him. Got him addicted to her and then left him. BG, heartbroken. Waited to give up his world for her. To go to any lengths. That's what you do when you are in love, right? But she vanished and came back only to call him a good friend she would seldom meet over drinks.

Apparently, I had known R all along through her blog. And so, we met. We took instant liking to each other.

By now, BG was a happily married man. He had accepted her wandering and his heartbreak. Sometimes, you can still see it in his eyes when he speaks of her. There is some amount of anger, some sadness, a spoon of disappointment and a jar full of shattered dreams.

R and I grew fond of each other. Bonded over other common online friends, cigarettes, alcohol, books and writing.  She called me a kid. She treated me like one. Something told me, her encouragement towards my work was more out of what she had left behind unfinished. Like aspirational parents, who want their unfinished dreams fulfilled by their children. She was also moody. At the drop of a hat, she would snap and judge people. Disliked most. Made the effort of liking very few. Almost like she did not care. Almost like she genuinely did not have an opinion about these people. Almost like she had a vengeance against this world and to survive she would pretend to like a few. The vengeance was strong. You could feel it even in her silence.

R left her humble small unknown town in the name of love for a big big city life. She had been to two different cities for education and work before. But she was still that small town girl. She, still is.

I have no idea what had happened but once in her drunken state she told me, 'I packed all my bags and left in the name of love to that big city and ended up being heartbroken. I could have come back. Instead, I embraced the city. Fell in love with it." Subtext:  I immersed myself in its ugliness and its noise. I let all that take over the heart ache and piled it with ambition and hard work. She used her anger and aggressiveness in her work and became the successful workaholic woman cliche.

No, she is not single, so to say. She met another man after her heartbreak. Almost a decade older. Nothing in common. And not in love too. He was a mere distraction and an escape from the screams inside her head. Or so she thought.

Her quest to find that lost love. To find her happy smiling content self continues. Many men walk past her way. She smiles, invites and traps them in her darkness and her mystery. Mesmerized, these men follow the path she carves for them. Like characters of a book, she is writing. Sometimes, I think she is so aware of it that she intentionally uses it in her favor. Not exactly to let out her heart ache but then its easier to carve a story around characters you have seen and met.

Look deep in her eyes and they look helpless. Like prisoned by the anger of her heart. Innocent. Helpless. Sad. They look like the kind of eyes that still cry on her soft expensive pillows. The wine stains on the bed sheet speak of the life she had not imagined. She could not handle. And in this quest, she met the ever charming and intelligent CT. CT, who has been mentioned rather fondly in the past few posts.

For a long time, I was confused. The thought disturbed me that CT and R could be having a 'thing'. Ct is a lot younger and she, married. This restlessness was shared with BG, who after hearing everything, asked just one thing, "Is he a Charmer?"
"Very. I fell for it." And that I'd like to believe is a huge thin for I hate to trust men and most definitely recognize their tricks. Here, for once, I failed. And miserably so.
"Well, if he is a great charmer then only a woman more charming than him could charm him."

Reality Bites. I found my answer despite BG taking advantage of his friendship with R and actually confirming it. She confirmed the positive.

R has all of a sudden stopped talking to me. CT, I do not want to talk to. I have lost all respect for the man which makes me angrier. Angrier to the extent that I find myself killing CT and R in my dreams. Not once, but repeatedly so. I cry in anger to sleep wanting to finish it all and move on like I never knew them. Like I was unintentionally unlearning things about K, my best friend.

K, her brother and I, now live together. A dream we saw as little girls is now a nightmare. That is another story. Another miserable one, which shall be talked of in the next post.

CT is in town right now. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to hear that voice. I am sure R knows about us which explains her sudden disliking for me. That explains why CT would not talk. Would not meet for it would piss R off. She controls him. And some amount of it, he needs, being aware of his philandering nature.

Six months back I gave CT and my common friend a gift I customized and got made for CT. All I wanted was the friend to give the gift to him on this trip on his. Only and only because I want that burden off my head. Also maybe, deep down in my hearts, I wish he would realize how thoughtful that gift is and appreciate his loss. Or just know how much I thought of him and what I must be going through right now.

I smirk as the next thought hits my head - "I want him to feel all the pain I suffered because of him." And if not him, who knows I may want to start throwing this pain, this anger back at the world. Just like R does. I dread that future.

I want to hang onto my hopes. I want to believe in my happy carefree self again. I am happy not having or discovering a dark side. I have no intentions of finding myself waking to a wet pillow and no pants because a lazy douchebag thinks I am his phone sex partner. Every night after a few too many drinks and spliffs that seem never ending, I do not want to find myself looking for temporary comfort. Failing at my innumerable attempts at forgetting this pain. Forgetting CT. Forgetting my love for him, in the arms of another man. I do not want to lock my room and scribble my feelings on the wall, somewhere feeling I may need serious help. I do not want any help. I do not want to admit my addiction. I just want to get over it. CT has become that drug I am addicted to and knowing I can not have it makes me whimper, makes me angry, makes me want to kill people, makes me want this world to end, makes me sure I want to lie alone naked in a house with no human contact for days, months, maybe years. What's the funniest? I do not even want him. He is an asshole I will never have any respect for. He has only gotten me addicted to him like probably R has him addicted to her. One oh her many men.

I finally have lost my faith in love. I have lost my strength to hold onto any hopes. Lets get real. This world was never made for emotions. We were sent here as animals. Like K said to me once, "You can never love. You are such an animal. You just fuck." Ladies and Gentlemen, that's my best friend for over a decade telling me that with absolute seriousness. I let it pass but that I will hold against her. She had no right to say something like that to me when she is not even interested or has a clue what I feel for CT and what I am going through. This is the 'best friend' of my life, I live with.

Despite reading all of this, if you still expect me to move on with my life and hope and expect how unexpectedly things will change for me one fine day. I am sorry. I have not just given up. I have lost a game with no second chances. Lost my belief in my strongest value of 'Loving without expectations'. BECAUSE FUCKERS! PEOPLE EXPECT! AND THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU LOVE THEM YOU FUCKING RECOGNIZE THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY TO DO THINGS FOR THEM! I, have done, if not everything, yet I can proudly say, I have. I have fucking followed my heart (who was that fucktard who told me that?) and taken my risks time and again. I did today too in the middle of this post. I said I do not want to meet CT but I asked him to see me and he said he had plans. I knew it would turn this way. But I did. I took my chances. I have just been taking chances time and again, time and again, time and fucking again. But like they say right, somethings never change. My failures have not. My disappointments increase in a multitude, though. Every friend I ever banked on. Every tiny little thing makes me realize how most of my friends are not interested in my life. In what I may have to say. In what I may feel. They are there because I am there for them. Or maybe because I never told them about anything that ever mattered. I just don't. I just can not talk as much as I may want to. I can not think of a single person I can just hold, bury my face under their arm and cry till I sleep off in their lap and wake up to them smiling and making me feel like it is all fucking right. If I did not tell anymore because I wanted to make them feel like its no big deal then it really isn't. I want that person to smile and tell me it was all just a terrible terrible nightmare and its a bright new day. Its all the same as I left it more than a year back. Its all OKAY, in the real sense of it. I just want that smile to wrap me and make me believe all that I have unlearned. Make me that happy innocent smiling child again. Remove the chirpy mask and still find the awesome me that is confident, smart and happy. Just so fucking happy, I used to be that it confused people. Now, it doesn't matter to them. Such is world. Such is Life.

I have no idea what am I going to make of myself. But something extreme awaits this time.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.
LSL

Walking on the Wild Side

I was so confused as a little child trying to make sense of love, of men of sex. I thought old people were hornier for they had more kids than our parent's generation because according to me people had sex just to make babies, which means two kids = had sex twice in life. Yes, I was a kid. Now, a whore? No. Definitely not. The music in me tells me its a good fuckin' life.

CT was loved. CT broke my heart. Common friend calls

"Do you know AB?"
"No."
"She is CT's new love interest."

This conversation while CT is in front of him. He denied loving her, being interested in her. But she landed in his city to see him. To surprise. Only, he was shocked. He didn't appreciate the impulse yet welcomed the 'shock' and took care of her. Told her this was not meant to work. She asked him to give her a baby boy and she would live with it for the rest of her life in a pilgrimage. *shakes head* Who talks like this today? CT came out clear to me and all our common friends calling her a psycho and started flirting with me once again. Ofcourse, I responded but cribbed to a friend as to wtf this was. On her insistence, I sent him a song pouring my feelings, he did not take it seriously and I thought I screwed up. He wrote something about a 'fat bitch' and I thought I came across as someone pushy to him and felt worst about self. Cribbed to K. And the best solution to a heartbreak is drinking endlessly with friends and meeting new people. Hence, was done.

Drinking smoking, like life is good. The music helped the sorrow fade away. The pain of his ignorance and a confession that got no response was healing in smoke circles of hash and big gulps of Bacardi. The best bit about regular pubs is meeting friends who are regulars there too. Bumped into V, a neighbor, a friend and a regular. We chatted like always but who knew going back home together would mean the same this time too. V and I had no chemistry.

"Do you want to go back home together?"
"Sure."
On the way.
"Do you have any alcohol at home?"
"Yes. Beer?"
"Excellent."
Conversation from our same roots, our childhood, education, politics were taken over by music once home.
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"I am not much of a reactor." Followed by some personal anecdote about some nondiscrimination, cause that is the word I heard.
"You still haven't answered my question."
"What?"
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"Eeerr... I do not know how to react on this. " After a long pause. "Everything is good man."

He got off his chair which was a feet away from me and leaned. Led me to my room and undressed me like this was all that was on his mind. He was rather different in bed. Can not say, good or bad, but different. Also, considering I had regrown my virginity after almost a year of no 'humpy action', I was in a sorted place. Stoned. Drunk. Horny. Both of us. We did it twice. He stayed back, cuddled and slept. Just the perfect end to a heartbreak. My life is a fucking movie! Yes, I also made morning tea for him and he left with my mug. Neighbours, you see.

As soon as he left, I check my phone and find a text from CT saying he has a stop over in the city for 3-4 hours. And yes, we met. He, me and our common friends. I thought it would be very awkward between us because of the conversation we had yesterday but it was not. He hung out all night as friends, laughed, flirted and he made one of the best home made coffees I have ever had. Told me and the friends about AB's antiques and how he wrote the 'fat bitch' for her friend who was talking slyly about him. CT was looking for books in my room when I walked in and he pulled me in to hug. It was a hug I was longing for and loving every second wrapped around his arms. I have not found such comfort anywhere but in his arms. Its warm. I melt and forget the world. We kissed. (D'uh!) We all left to drop him and all through the way I slept on his shoulder, he played with my hair, stole kisses and he sang in my ears through the way. It was perfect. It was comfortable. Just so comfortable! The kind that a craving pregnant woman finds in her chocolate ice cream at 3:00 AM. Yes, that. And then, he left. We were in a happy place, once again. As I saw him go, I saw my heart turn away. It did not sink, did not smile, did not break. No questions asked. No answers given. For nothing was felt. No emotions left. And once again, I was emotion less. Left wanting to feel the feeling called 'love' but it was misunderstood in CT's case too.

My feelings confuse me in the strangest ways. Sometimes I think I thought I was in love with CT only because I wanted to be in love. Sometimes I think, maybe I was which is why I let go of myself, got myself heartbroken and am now making a sinner of my memory by constantly telling the heart 'it wasn't love'. I have let it go. Fuck it, like they say. Emotions are not my thing. Too much hard work recognizing, feeling and understanding. Next day, I text CT 'I need a headrest.' He would know what I mean, but he did not reply. Realized, its best till its there. Do not put yourself through the same thing of constantly flirting and finding mush and comfort in him. I will only fall in love again, question again, break this heart again. Before I could let it go completely, I find out AB, 'fat bitch' and CT's ex have ganged up against him and talking crap to the world, abusing him left, right and center. Apparently, he had been flirting with the 'fat bitch' too and many other women. All of these women found out and became the Crazy Ex Girlfriends. Tarnishing his reputation, pulling everyone by the collar and telling them what a bitch CT is and how girls should beware of a nympho like him.

Well, I do not deny that for he is a flirt. He does make his woman feel like he is dying to be with them but can not. He is a player, that way. I was only glad these women did not know about me or at least did not drag me into this considering how they really were dragging the world into this matter. I stayed quiet for a few days but felt bad for him. Finally defended him a little. Not really defended but at least asked the women to stop washing their dirty laundry in public. Its a simple thing. I have met AB. She is bloody sweet and I respect her belief in love and passion for it but I am sorry, I am not a very big fan of women letting go off their dignity. If a woman thinks a man is an Asshole and does not deserve your love, then he does not deserve your wrath too because men find guilt in a woman's silence not in her blabbering to the world about his character. If a woman respects herself, she does not have to shut up and cry about it but be bloody strong and have the balls to not howl and cry to the world. I am sorry, that is not how you guard your self respect which a man had already shaken when you fell for him. Unfortunately they did and why did I speak for him? Because as a friend, I thought I must. Yes, just as a friend.

I know exactly the conversations he must have had with these women. So much so i can quote him. But neah, not a feeling felt, not a drop of jealousy, not an inch of pain or betrayal. I knew he is a Flirt all along. I knew what he meant and how much of it when he said whatever he did. Whether him wanting to cuddle up in the middle of a night or wanting to ball dance to Beethoven. He did mean it all, but only momentarily. I knew that. They didn't. Unfortunate for CT that he had to go through such public humiliation. He did mess with the wrong women and I texted him along with a friend assuring him he was a nice guy, no matter what. He is a friend. The Love, the pain was gone, like it never existed. Like our togetherness never existed. Ofcourse he did not reply to that either. He is coming back to town in a few days. Do not know if we will meet. Do not know if we will ever know or see each other again. Its a chapter that does not know its end.

The Walk on the Wild Side has just begun!

Regular weekends include K and I getting stoned and listening to crazy music. One of such weekends fell right after CT left and TC comes back. We had been in touch off and on trying to figure when is a good time for him to come over and that day I just let him. K, he and I chilled until we went to my room and finished what was meant to. Just when we finished and we were trying to catch our breath, the door bell started ringing like crazy. It was 2:30 in the night. It was scary cause the bell would not stop ringing, I rush and open the door and what do I see? FUCKING V was standing outside my door, drunk.

"WTF are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. Do not want to sleep alone."
"But I have friends over."
"So, we will sleep in your room."
"V! This is crazy."
"I know but keep me with you, please."
"V, I have friends."

After trying to put some sense in his head for 15 minutes outside my door, I took him to the other room and asked him to stay there till i came. In the meanwhile I went back to my room, told TC a friend came over and TC said he will leave, and so he did. K was in the drawing room, confused. Yes, I was too. All my buzz was gone in that time. Went back to V, we cuddled, we made out until the bell began ringing again like crazy. This time it was my flatmate, who came home pissed drunk. I wanted to kill myself at that moment. So much panic. So much drama. This was out of a fucking film, I warned ya. I make V put his clothes back on and took him into my now empty room. Thankfully he was too drunk to realize there were no friends in my room now, like I had told him just a few minutes back. Flatmate, drunk and confused. I tucked V in the bed and went out to take care of a drunk Flatmate who had to leave the house in 15 minutes again to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. Hydrated her, got her into her senses and put her in her car. Both of us giggling like girls with no idea how to react on what was happening.

Once she left, I went back to V. We had unexpected sex. It was just about cuddling, right? He freaked me out by saying 'I Love you' during the act too many times. Did not let him finish and put him back to sleep. Woke up, and the regular tea and music followed V, K and me. V finally after spending a long time in the morning and few short making out sessions, left for home.

I just wanted to get comfortable, hug my best friend, K and sleep. K and I, both had not slept all night. My head was hurting with so much panic and so much sex till I finally slept in the afternoon the next day. Within two hours, I had had sex twice with two different men that night. It sounds pretty whore-ish but it did not feel that way at all. And now I wonder, where is the bloody conscience? Where are the bloody feelings? Blowing away with every smoke circle? Drowning with every gulp of rum? Where was CT? I want to hold him and sleep. Sing for me, while I sleep?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Pieces of the Heart

All I wanna do is crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. Running away from the past does not come easy, but this hurt I feel is not easy to face, either. Sleepless nights. Sleepy nights full of nightmares. Nightmares of blood. Blood that flows in my broken heart. The pieces of this broken heart can't be put together anymore.

Which piece of the broken heart do I begin from? The Phoenix in me is finally dying with no hope to rise again. I am sure it has a re birth limit like a cat too.

I said this in the previous post 'Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does.' And so it did. Not once. Not twice, but over and over again. Just aged a thousand years in a few weeks. Only so much can a lonely heart take. A heart, open for loving and being loved. A heart granting constant forgiveness. A heart, which is failed and hopeless, now.

Sitting by my window, hiding behind music, I let the emotion die with every minute. But then every song has a story to tell. Stories that just imprison me with hurt again.

K began dating RH, a betrayal of friendship, I thought. F happened right around that time. One meeting, one kiss and the heart smiled. It happened again. And again. I went away only to come back and find out F and K were online friends. F had fallen for K, in the first 'chat'. They talked allot, they flirted, WTF was really happening. Is my life being filmed for some reality movie? Seemed like it. F vanished saying 'He found K hot and liked her.' I was just away for three days and his 'feelings' for me died.

K knew I thought of F as an Asshole of sorts, now. She secretly spoke to him and lied to me about ignoring him. But why was she doing that? She was already dating RH that time. Cutting the cake and having it too? All I knew was, my friend stood by me in words. She hailed abuses at F for acting like a jerk with me, but what she did not know was I knew that she was still being nice to him, maybe more than that.

It was F's birthday, and we go to our regular pub. The pub was renewed. The claustrophobic charm was lost. We sang to our favorite songs and stared at the newness of the pub, looking stoned and bored. K whispered, "Your F, is here too." I had already noticed and ignored. I turned back and said, "I know. How did you recognize him? You two have not met ever."
"Pictures! He gave me a familiar look and I turned away. I understood it was him."
"Hhhmm." (So buy able!)
"You can go say Hi!"
"I don't want to."
RH held her from behind and they began dancing again. And I excused myself from the place.

F pinged the next day confirming if I was there at the pub or not.
"I thought I saw you at this place."
"If it was two days ago, then you might have cause I was there."
"I met your friend, K too."
"Oh! Yes, it was her birthday. But how did you guys know each other?"
"She recognized me and said Hi. So we talked."
"Oh!"
"Why did you not say Hi to me?"
"Because I did not see you. Was really drunk and stoned, you see."
"I thought you saw me and ignored. So I did the same."
"Lol. I am not that kind of a person. I will say Hi next time I see you."

I partially lied. I am not that kind of a person for sure, but I was at that time. I was angry. For once, I felt anger at a man.

Call it destiny, call it co incidence, I met him again the next day at another pub where I went drinking with another friend. We smiled and did say Hi this time.

He spoke to me once I got home. He weirdly kept insisting who was this 'friend' I was with at the pub. I laughed it off until he began crying about how K had now begun ignoring him. That he would now 'delete' her from his life cause it hurt him to see her around but be treated this way. I just listened. Why? Because I know he is a lonely messed up man with no friends. I pitied him, now.

S, the longest wooing man in my life had begun to build up now. I was not open to a relationship when he first asked me to give it a shot, but after an entire year of wooing, and the recent hurt, I was wanting to find stability in my Love life and I knew, S was the perfect guy for it.

S and I spoke for days. Met. He came home. We hardly hugged. We knew this was going somewhere. We were happy. There were times he would not reply to texts and calls too. But when he would, he seemed genuinely busy. I let it go. We decided to meet again, but without informing he cancelled. I let it go. Probably my heart was not all into him, after all. It did not seem to matter that much. Happened again and then again. Finally he had to be told to leave. He was told how hurtful it was to cancel on someone and not adhere to the general courtesy of letting the person know. It was also hurtful and rude. All he had to say was he was still busy in office. He could have done that earlier in the evening too, but he did not. And never tried getting in touch again. Now, when I look back, I see it as a good thing. I was never attracted to him. He would just be a distraction. As a matter of fact, I had no feelings for F too. I just felt like a bus stand for all these men who walked in and out as per their convenience.

I decided to let it all go and never again give a chance to another man. The best way to distract yourself - Get drunk with a new set of people or friends who you know are harmless and totally capable of distracting my mind. And so they did. Met new people, smiled, laughed, felt myself coming back. Also made one of the best fun conversations with CT. CT came to town just for twelve hours to meet another of the new friends. We were pissed drunk. He asked for a hug and I do not know how but he leaned in for a kiss and we kissed until interrupted by another friend who walked in on us. We kissed and kissed again later. He held my hand through out. We spent the night just holding each other, talking literature and feeling each other. Cuddling, hugging and kissing. He talked about his ex and how she had hurt him. He asked, "Have you ever been hurt?"
"I do not want to talk about it."
He held me and kissed me again.
"I miss being loved."
And my heart melted. We all do. I do too. And all I wanted to do that night was make him feel loved because I know how lonely and horrible it feels. He was going to leave at the break of dawn, anyway.

We loved, we laughed, we talked and kissed all night. Only to say goodbye to the perfect stranger in the morning.

We should have stopped there. But two lonely hurt hearts can not do that. We texted. We spoke. We shared our days in pictures and words for days. There was mush all over my face, all over my phone.

F kept calling and texting the next day. I ignored. Not only was I done with him, completely. I was also happy being with someone else. F called all day. I ignored all day. F finally texted at 2 AM. "I am outside your house." I met him. He leaned in to kiss. I pushed him away and gave him a piece of my mind, he deserved. He had the audacity to say, "If you were just a booty call. I would have come inside your house." Like I would let him in?
"Do you realize you can not walk in and out on people? It hurts."
"What about people who are already hurt, L?"
"That gives you no right to hurt other people. You are just messed up and need to sort your life out. I promise to be there as a friend but this is not something I can put up with."
I walked out on him, forever.

In the meanwhile, CT and I were like a happy couple who are blushing and smiling all day. He sang for me 'Strangers in the Night' and we knew we were each other's 'perfect strangers', not knowing we will see each other again or not. We knew we felt for each other too. It was not just a one night thing.

This very thought began to frustrate me and I expressed it so. He calmed me down and said he had no clue just like me, only to see him withdraw from the next day. I reciprocated in the same way. Only to find out later, his ex got to know about us and was giving him hell for it. He said he was guilty to lead me on and hurt me. I should have stopped. I didn't. I behaved like my asshole self. Acting all nice and understanding while I died inside. I told him how he could have been an asshole like the rest and just vanished if he wished to, but he was a gentleman to talk about it. We let it go after that conversation. Yet, it did not stop. I cried non stop for two full days. Hiding my swollen red eyes from the world. Sometimes, I still get them. CT, was liked. He came back to say he loved me. And we got back to our usual self again. And when after days he asked if I loved him too, I confessed. And he began to fade away again. This time, I really let it go. I find it hard not to be talking to him all the time. Not to waking up to his sweet nothings in the middle of the night, I miss that morning squeeze and the sleepy cuddles we talked and imagined about. But we got to let it go. We may have wanted each other. But his heart and mind was pre occupied and I was just a mere distraction for him.

It hurts still. Even now, when I want to snuggle in my bed and cry myself to sleep, I wish CT would hold me and kiss me to sleep. But we will not. And never will. Probably no man ever will. Because I am done. I am dead. My heart is a dead phoenix that can not rise from the ashes again.