tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55208889431124941382023-12-22T10:51:10.705-08:00Luscious Sealed LipsUnveil whats sealed behind these luscious lips!Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-7502465897193431602015-10-31T11:29:00.000-07:002015-10-31T11:31:28.531-07:00The Dangers of Sexy.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"You will have to make do with just one man for the rest of your life."<br />
<span style="color: red;">"How about I break up with you and sleep with some men and then come back to you for the rest of my life?"</span><br />
"Why would you do that?"<br />
<span style="color: red;">"Cause I should sleep with at least 2-3 more men no? Can't have just 'slept with one guy my entire life' tag."</span><br />
"Right! How many do you think is ideal for you?"<br />
<span style="color: red;">"Mmm... I guess 2 more and that's it."</span><br />
<br />
Today, I am sitting at 20 or maybe more since G and I had this conversation during our dating time.<br />
<br />
In these 6, or is it 7? years, I have been in love, lust, anger, depression. Been hopeless and hung onto what I every time thought was the last string of hope in the matters of the heart. But today, I am writing after years out of responsibility. My responsibility towards everybody who has been privy to my anonymous love and mostly, sex life.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, she has not been too well."<br />
<span style="color: red;">"Oh!"</span><br />
Both, behaving and avoiding the 'conversation' because we thought the other did not know about SE's STIs which she was taking a treatment for.<br />
<br />
SE is a powerhouse woman. The kind you meet and feel is too much for a man. And she was. But, she was also stupid and careless in a way. Like a lot of us, she preferred the pleasures of simplicity than precaution.<br />
<br />
Gradually, as she came to terms with her illness, treatment and regular life (this time it was sexless), she urged each one of her girlfriends to get HPV vaccinations immediately.<br />
<br />
"LSL, please get your viral markers. Such things are real and they happen to real people."<br />
<span style="color: red;">"But I just got myself tested 6 months back and I was clear. It's just an overflow of discharge. And it's probably because of stress, or because I just finished my vaccination..."</span>, I struggled with excuses to my gynecologist.<br />
<br />
It's probably just another case of Vaginitis which is common among sexually active women, and can actually be cause without having anything to do with sex or even be caused by a STI. I currently do not know.<br />
<br />
The first time I had Vaginitis, my doctor called it "pH imbalance" which happens when you travel and/or when you are with a new partner. Imagine your vagina like an introvert's mind. It goes haywire, and becomes uneasy and restless when it interacts with something new. Just two unprotected strokes, and my vagina's pH level got confused. In my friend's words, "Vaginas need time to get accustomed to new partners. They interact with them a few times and your pH levels come back to normal. But if they interact with too many new ones. They freeze like a middle aged woman in shock, and can not fight back to protect you well."<br />
<br />
The second time, which is now, and here, I am presuming (so is the doc) that it is Vaginitis, is again another case of unprotected SINGLE stroke. Yes! SINGLE STROKE. Now, most of you are thinking that single unprotected strokes or unprotected oral sex is alright. If you have not understood yet, NO! IT IS NOT ALRIGHT! IT MAKES ALL THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE. You push in once or you go all the way nude, your penis and your vagina are quick to catch onto skin-to-skin infections and diseases.<br />
<br />
"Have you had more than 5 partners?"<br />
<span style="color: red;">"Yes."</span><br />
"Well, if you want, I'll check you for HPV but chances are you already got it. Women over 25 with over 5 partners run highest risk with most cases resulting in positive."<br />
<br />
And that's it, I turned into the holiest Indian woman on this planet, praying to every god on this holy motherland of ours. It worked.<br />
<br />
To my relief and my doctor's disbelief, I was a negative. However, the vaccination happened over a period of 6 months and I was still at risk of the side effects of the vaccine as well as other HPV infections which the vaccine did not protect you against. But, I felt more confident and protected than before until today, when I have been told to get myself tested again. I am hoping and praying again that this may not be a stroke of bad luck. Till, I find my results and use the time in buying coconuts and ringing bells, you should go fix an appointment.<br />
<br />
The chances of catching sexually transmitted infections (and not every infection if a fatal HIV, there are many and curable too) are higher than truly satisfying a woman.<br />
<br />
P.S. - I pray to you, please get yourself checked from time to time. Women, please get regular pap smears, get your vaccination and stay safe everyone. And doctors, please make sure you are making your patients feel comfortable rather than putting them on a cultural guilt trip. No one is going to stop having sex, but you could help creating a healthier country (which by the way is what you are supposed to do and not assume that if my friend is unmarried, she is a virgin).<br />
<br />
Love n' Peace.<br />
<br />
Hugs.<br />
Kisses.<br />
<br />
LSL<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-9894851465994625442014-06-26T05:33:00.000-07:002014-06-26T05:53:15.527-07:00Love Sick<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's been four years now to my break up with G and I have been single ever since. Of course, I went on some dates and explored more dicks. Also, fell in love and got my heart broken. And after all these years of madness, I had to put a conscious stop to it all. Where was it all taking me? Where did I want to go, anyway? Sometimes, I wanted the attention, sometimes the sex and sometimes I thought to myself, <i>'Maybe I need to lower my standards to get into a relationship'</i> despite being fully aware of how I would not genuinely love the person even if I did.<br />
<br />
In the last one year and a half, I have moved from one country to another and now a new one, rising up in my career yet not completely satisfied. <i>Lets not miss the point where I have regrown my virginity by keeping my legs together for over two years.</i> I will not say that the last few posts which were depressing as fuck and only asked questions no one ever has answers to are too, different from my current state yet I'd say I am a new person. Why same and why different? Same for questions still exist sometimes, different because, I am finally at peace.<br />
<br />
As much as I may have dished out your advices on <i>How badly I should move out of the place that was making me the way that it was</i>, turns out you guys were fuckin' right about it mate! BUT foremost, it takes will to want to change things, sometimes you have to force yourself and work hard on it too. Nothing in life ever comes easy. Turning tables in your life definitely never does. <i>'Time to change the playlist, DJ!</i>', thats what I said to myself and that's how I turned tables, no heads.<br />
<br />
During my Rock n' Rolla life of Sex, Drugs and Alcohol, I sort of got used to a certain amount of attention. <i>Mostly sexual, but so what? </i>And here I was in a country, where I was happy not getting attention. I met a few boys, some decent, some intelligent and some self made rich young men too. And these were all men my parents directly or slyly introduced me to for TADAH! SURPRISE SURPRISE!<i> Kill me!</i> BUT to be a little fair, these men were nice. <i>(Ahem! Maybe my parents have better taste than I do.)</i> Why did nothing work out? Well, because I never allowed them to formally take it forward with the cliche <i>'I am not ready for marriage'</i> excuse. It's only now I have begun to feel ready for a relationship (which is different from wanting to be married.) Not just ready but I genuinely would like to be in one now.<br />
<br />
This is not a sign of desperation but being aware of yourself. Some are compulsive relationship freaks, some are Forever Alones and some are ready for it. I am ready for it. Which means I feel I can finally love and care back which was not the case before. Earlier what I wanted was, the attention. And that my friends, is a big difference in how your relationship is going to be. Of course, attention is important in a relationship but should never be your reason to get into a relationship. Disaster! Now, that maturity has taken over, I feel more confident about it. And no, another series of one night stands is not the answer. Not interested! Funny discovery of self in fact tells me I even suck at flirting. I realized a pattern where if a guy shows interest in me, I immediately curl into a shell. I become scared and rude which of course ends in him dating someone else then. I maybe confident in wanting to date and having overcome all that has happened in my past but despite gaining wisdom and peace with self, there are little tiny drops of insecurity which have not been wiped off. I am working on it but it's like a minor attack of paranoia hits me every time I see myself with a man. <i>He is not interested in me. He just wants to fuck. He does not think I am pretty. He thinks I am a dumbfuck. He thinks I am showing too much interest. He thinks I am desperate. He is a flirt. He is like this with every girl. Oh no! This is just a friendly polite conversation. He has no option that's why me!</i> And some more. So, while I am jogging through these various possibilities of how the man is not interested me, I have genuinely dished the man out even when I am consciously trying to flirt back. Clearly, I do not know how to flirt. I suck at it! And I definitely suck at taking things forward, instead I run away. Thanks to the above mentioned insecurities that I am still struggling with. Do you see how hard my life is now? God damn it! I struggle with flirting as well as getting rid of my insecurities, both at the same fucking time! And somewhere in the middle of it, I am trying to have a conversation with this guy too. Applaud for my terrible multi tasking skills please.<br />
<br />
And to make matters worse, friends are ofcourse getting married, parents want you married, the unmarried ones are planning their marriages and those who are not planning their marriages are steady in their fucking relationships. Awesome! I have spent my prime years in fucking men I have no wish seeing again and then discovering my real self, my soul. Turns out, I am quite average <i>(maybe even below average)</i>, contrary to the years of Diva image I had of myself in my head.Yet, I prefer the life I have lived than the average life that many have lived or are living. I am an average person for sure but not one with an average life. Do you ever see how everything leads to another? Have you ever seen the dominoes roll in your life? I sat and saw it all, and when you see it, you smile. Your peace is sitting in the middle of the thousands of dominoes falling on each other. The moment it pops out, you have attained a little bit of wisdom. And I would never trade anything ever for this poetic life of mine.<br />
<br />
I am in one of my most happy phases. I have not just realized things about self but also about my relationships with friends and family. Who do you want to keep and who you do not? Even if it is your best friend for over a decade who has hurt you with her words and action and used you financially and harmed you emotionally, no amount of love and years of togetherness can justify it. Some relationships come with unbreakable rules. And you may for years defend it to yourself and others, the day you see that domino roll, you see some relationships falling with it. Yet, you sit there and smile. Relieved. Wiser. Happier. Peaceful.<br />
<br />
You let some go. You let some stay. And you invite some new. I am hoping to find someone I can share a relationship, a friendship and love and care with. Not just my bed for a few hours, anymore. I am a sorted regrown virgin. Amen to this new self, I say!<br />
<br />
Love n' Peace.<br />
<br />
Hugs.<br />
Kisses.<br />
<br />
LSL <br />
<br /></div>
Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-82442318234719850932013-05-06T16:19:00.000-07:002014-06-26T05:58:01.989-07:00Last candy in a trapped Jar<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Ever stared at a big jar with a tiny piece of your favorite fruit or pickle or just that last piece of candy trapped in it?<br />
<br />
Life is like playing your old playlist from the desktop you left at home years ago. Now, left unused or for parents to skype with you when you are not getting drunk and bored on a table full of lifeless souls and useless chitter chatter, hoping to get laid or just hammered enough to sleep deep. Life, yes, is like that old playlist. Unpredictable. But it is still all that you wanted, once at least in your life. Now, liking Nirvana maybe too 17 for you and finding some old Aishwarya Rai song, blasphemous. It makes you think what were <i>you </i>thinking when you added<i> that </i>to your playlist and probably heard on repeat then. Look around and you may just find a cassette of an Indian pop artist who lasted only as long as his first and only hit in those old boxes.<br />
<br />
Such is life! You will question what you did yesterday, crib about today and worry about the tomorrow. At all states, feeling unhappy, feeling lost. Lost in the process of finding ourselves. And there in the background, your life is getting duller by the day and you are getting trapped in the social expectations of this world. Life, my friend, is sitting with a box of strawberries. Some <i>will</i> be sour. And that playlist in the background, surprising. Unpredictable. Yet, familiar.<br />
<br />
Today, I have been jobless for three months now. It took one small health condition to reach to a whole new me. Let me put it how K (my childhood best friend and soul mate) put my impulse down for me,<br />
<br />
<i>"Have you ever realized how each person is significant to another's life?"</i><br />
Such random questions about Life, Human behavior and Happiness had stopped surprising me. Her drug intake had me seeing the brighter side of her. Hence, my response, just an inviting smile.<br />
<i>"Look at your Boss. A typical Indian worker..."</i><br />
Indian Worker translates to hard working like an ass and bitchy like an asshole. Smart workers in this country are mostly considered lazy and a threat to the immediate bosses.<br />
<i>"...He probably means nothing to anyone. Not life changingly. But to you, he did. And he does not even know about it."</i><br />
And there, I was learning life's philosophies from a 'hippie'.<br />
<br />
No denying my swinging hips like a pendulum - slowly from that typical Indian worker to a Smart worker. Stuck in a rut of over working cause the smartness had been denied over and over again. To cut the long story short. Overworked. Unhappy. Dissatisfied. Falls unwell. Immediate boss crosses his daily insulting measures. Next - Resignation. No. Do not even think of me fighting it back. I do not blame him for my resignation. Its not his fault he could not inspire me (though he did give the resignation a push). Its not his fault I was unhappy. Its not his fault I was caught in that trap of a dull duller life and the social expectations of this world. Its not his fault if I was done with this life. Done with this job. Done with these friends. Done with this city. The new was over. The excitement was no more. And the plate was empty. I needed a refill.<br />
<br />
Here I am. Standing in the queue with anticipation. I can see that the table has many and big dishes lined up but I do not know what is in it. Standing in the queue for a while, sometimes I get extremely curious and excited at what it holds. Sometimes I distract myself by assuming what all there is and think of how much of what will I eat. And sometimes I am famished. Irritated and Hungry. And then, there are days when I wonder why did I finish my previous helping so soon. I should have held on for longer. This re filling is a bad decision. But then, the point being, the plate was empty and it needs what it needs.<br />
<br />
A month of family vacation. Having your mother, father and the only sibling together with you is not too much to ask when you belong to a happy crazy family which is not dysfunctional. But then, it is, in my case. After more than three years, all of us got together. We probably would not have this year too, if I had not quit my job. I probably would not have met new people and old relatives so closely as I did, if I had not been impulsive. I would have never known how much I need some people and how much some people love me, if I did not pack up my bags and sent the truck home. It was a final goodbye to an 'Independent Lone City Life'.<br />
<br />
I have had three months to think it all through. To speak with myself. To know what I <i>really</i> want. And all I want is to know. Know self and the world, more and more. If you have nothing new to offer me, I will move out. And that is what I did one day. Mother called to tell me that my only grandparent had expired. I had not seen her in years. I was not emotionally so close either. But, I sobbed an entire day. I knew now, that space was empty. And my parents were slowly moving in that direction. One day, I will call my children and probably tell them that their grand parents are dead. And that at that moment felt like an unemotional call. I had never lived with my father. Only the initial few years when I was still learning manners and had not learnt how to read a dictionary. The next day, my resignation had reached my office and a call to my father that I was moving in with him.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: red;">"I am quitting my job. And leaving this city. I am coming to you.",</span></i> I said the last line almost like a question. Like I was seeking his permission.<br />
<i>"Is everything alright?"</i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">"Yes. I just wante...."</span></i><br />
<i>"When are you beginning your packing?"</i><br />
I smiled.<br />
<i>"Tomorrow."</i><br />
<i>"Okay. Keep me in the loop. I Love you."</i><br />
<i>"I Love you too."</i><br />
<br />
One of the few times when I <i>really</i> meant it. When I wanted to be the first to say it instead of him.<br />
<br />
And when I began stuffing boxes. I called K right after just 10% of the packing was done.<br />
<br />
<i>"Why are you crying?"</i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;">"I can't do this alone. I need you."</span></i><br />
<i>"I'll come and see you in a bit."</i><br />
<br />
Well, she was too stoned to come over and help but she spoke to me. She heard me. She made dinner for me. And she told me I was a fool to <i>just</i> leave because she would miss me and I was doing one of the best things by taking this decision. And here again, I was learning life as we shared that spliff.<br />
<br />
People will walk in and walk out of your life. You will love, you will fail, you will get caught in the rut of ruts. You will also feel miserable. Dead. Exhausted. Angry. Uninspired. Excited like a child and too experienced for your age. In this process, what mistake we make is giving verbs and adjectives to our life's circumstances. That is another rut. The rut of labeling every phase. And slotting each day in a phase or 'one of those days'. I made that mistake. And what wonders it did to me. Living alone. Hating some of my friends. Definitely getting asocial, mostly. Just plain, unhappy. <i>I was lost in the process of finding myself.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Impulse and Life's situations and your conversations with self will sometimes take you where you thought, t'was now impossible to go. After having dried up my tears on lonesome nights, large whiskey helping after work and love lorn heartaches, I have nothing, I regret. I have come to terms with what I called my 'Yesterday', no matter how it was. I know my yesterday will be a part of present and future. I have come to terms with that too. To believe that quitting your job, moving out of the country and letting go of old people and emotions is fancy. Well, it isn't. If you are open minded, it is a beautiful process, otherwise far more frustrating and difficult than what your yesterday was.<br />
<br />
There are days when CT will cross my mind but he would not make me pull my bed sheets out of exasperation. There are days when I miss coming home from work and having the liberty to fix my perfect scotch with cigarettes while I read online but the tea made at home is just as perfect. There are days when I will miss my friend and seeing them for a cup of coffee even when we are just silent but I find blessing in knowing some will be there for me just like this when ever I need them or not. There are days when I worry what it will be like living with your father whom you have seen the longest for 30 days in a year but then, I think to myself what is the ambition of knowing the world and its people, if I can never know my own people. People, whose habits I have naturally adapted without even knowing that they had it. Genes! There are days when I know life will not be mad, it may not be so much of a struggle, it will not be lonely. It will be stable. It will be new. I'll miss my friends. I have given up my peace spots and comfort zones to only explore new ones. I have only replaced friends with family, like I did the vice versa of, some years ago. I have only moved on in life. Emotionally and Mentally. The rest, is yet to come.<br />
<br />
For those, who suggested I needed to change my city and pack myself off and away from all that made me miserable. I knew that would not help then. I knew that was not going to solve it from me. Escape was never my way, still isn't. Explore! I now walk out, proud, confident and excited like a child. I know not what holds for me. I know not if I will find my favorite flower. I know not if I leave<i> that jar with my favorite fruit or pickle or that last piece of candy trapped in it</i>, will I find it again BUT I know there will be another jar of new fruits, pickles and candies. Who knows, I may like it more.<br />
<br />
Who knows? Lets go explore! Not lost in the process of finding self. But find more in the process of finding. Wander! For all those who wander, are not lost, my friend. Love, Learn, Wander, Live!<br />
<br />
Love 'n' Peace.<br />
<br />
Hugs.<br />
Kisses.<br />
<br />
LSL</div>
Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-22274067911480131692012-11-11T06:09:00.001-08:002012-11-11T06:22:24.555-08:00Emotions are a Man Made thing.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Exhausted. Physically too. Can not. Do not want to write. Been avoiding for months. Still want to. But something tells me if its not now, it will have to be a Doctor.<br />
<br />
I came out of the theater, whimpering, like a cat. <i>Skyfall</i> had nothing to do with it. But the world was crumbling inside my head. I longed for peaceful moments but that night I dreaded it. It was not going to be easy spending the next one week alone in a house in silence. Especially calculating his arrival and knowing of hers.<br />
<br />
CT was going to come to town again. And his new love and BG's old was already in town - R.<br />
<br />
Funny, this world is. Before I knew BG, he fought, thew tantrums and insisted I was R, the love that broke his heart and he was never the same again. She was married and she played along with him during her trying times. Sought comfort in him. Got him addicted to her and then left him. BG, heartbroken. Waited to give up his world for her. To go to any lengths. That's what you do when you are in love, right? But she vanished and came back only to call him a good friend she would seldom meet over drinks.<br />
<br />
Apparently, I had known R all along through her blog. And so, we met. We took instant liking to each other.<br />
<br />
By now, BG was a happily married man. He had accepted her wandering and his heartbreak. Sometimes, you can still see it in his eyes when he speaks of her. There is some amount of anger, some sadness, a spoon of disappointment and a jar full of shattered dreams.<br />
<br />
R and I grew fond of each other. Bonded over other common online friends, cigarettes, alcohol, books and writing. She called me a kid. She treated me like one. Something told me, her encouragement towards my work was more out of what she had left behind unfinished. Like aspirational parents, who want their unfinished dreams fulfilled by their children. She was also moody. At the drop of a hat, she would snap and judge people. Disliked most. Made the effort of liking very few. Almost like she did not care. Almost like she genuinely did not have an opinion about these people. Almost like she had a vengeance against this world and to survive she would pretend to like a few. The vengeance was strong. You could feel it even in her silence.<br />
<br />
R left her humble small unknown town in the name of love for a big big city life. She had been to two different cities for education and work before. But she was still that small town girl. She, still is.<br />
<br />
I have no idea what had happened but once in her drunken state she told me, 'I packed all my bags and left in the name of love to that big city and ended up being heartbroken. I could have come back. Instead, I embraced the city. Fell in love with it." Subtext: <i> I immersed myself in its ugliness and its noise. I let all that take over the heart ache and piled it with ambition and hard work.</i> She used her anger and aggressiveness in her work and became the successful workaholic woman cliche.<br />
<br />
No, she is not single, so to say. She met another man after her heartbreak. Almost a decade older. Nothing in common. And not in love too. He was a mere distraction and an escape from the screams inside her head. Or so she thought.<br />
<br />
Her quest to find that lost love. To find her happy smiling content self continues. Many men walk past her way. She smiles, invites and traps them in her darkness and her mystery. Mesmerized, these men follow the path she carves for them. Like characters of a book, she is writing. Sometimes, I think she is so aware of it that she intentionally uses it in her favor. Not exactly to let out her heart ache but then its easier to carve a story around characters you have seen and met.<br />
<br />
Look deep in her eyes and they look helpless. Like prisoned by the anger of her heart. Innocent. Helpless. Sad. They look like the kind of eyes that still cry on her soft expensive pillows. The wine stains on the bed sheet speak of the life she had not imagined. She could not handle. And in this quest, she met the ever charming and intelligent CT. CT, who has been mentioned rather fondly in the past few posts.<br />
<br />
For a long time, I was confused. The thought disturbed me that CT and R could be having a 'thing'. Ct is a lot younger and she, married. This restlessness was shared with BG, who after hearing everything, asked just one thing, "<i>Is he a Charmer?</i>"<br />
"<i><span style="color: red;">Very. I fell for it.</span>" And that I'd like to believe is a huge thin for I hate to trust men and most definitely recognize their tricks. Here, for once, I failed. And miserably so.</i><br />
<i>"Well, if he is a great charmer then only a woman more charming than him could charm him."</i><br />
<br />
Reality Bites. I found my answer despite BG taking advantage of his friendship with R and actually confirming it. She confirmed the positive.<br />
<br />
R has all of a sudden stopped talking to me. CT, I do not want to talk to. I have lost all respect for the man which makes me angrier. Angrier to the extent that I find myself killing CT and R in my dreams. Not once, but repeatedly so. I cry in anger to sleep wanting to finish it all and move on like I never knew them. Like I was unintentionally unlearning things about K, my best friend.<br />
<br />
K, her brother and I, now live together. A dream we saw as little girls is now a nightmare. That is another story. Another miserable one, which shall be talked of in the next post.<br />
<br />
CT is in town right now. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to hear that voice. I am sure R knows about us which explains her sudden disliking for me. That explains why CT would not talk. Would not meet for it would piss R off. She controls him. And some amount of it, he needs, being aware of his philandering nature.<br />
<br />
Six months back I gave CT and my common friend a gift I customized and got made for CT. All I wanted was the friend to give the gift to him on this trip on his. Only and only because I want that burden off my head. Also maybe, deep down in my hearts, I wish he would realize how thoughtful that gift is and appreciate his loss. Or just know how much I thought of him and what I must be going through right now.<br />
<br />
I smirk as the next thought hits my head - "<i style="color: red;">I want him to feel all the pain I suffered because of him</i>." And if not him, who knows I may want to start throwing this pain, this anger back at the world. Just like R does. I dread that future.<br />
<br />
I want to hang onto my hopes. I want to believe in my happy carefree self again. I am happy not having or discovering a dark side. I have no intentions of finding myself waking to a wet pillow and no pants because a lazy douchebag thinks I am his phone sex partner. Every night after a few too many drinks and spliffs that seem never ending, I do not want to find myself looking for temporary comfort. Failing at my innumerable attempts at forgetting this pain. Forgetting CT. Forgetting my love for him, in the arms of another man. I do not want to lock my room and scribble my feelings on the wall, somewhere feeling I may need serious help. I do not want any help. I do not want to admit my addiction. I just want to get over it. CT has become that drug I am addicted to and knowing I can not have it makes me whimper, makes me angry, makes me want to kill people, makes me want this world to end, makes me sure I want to lie alone naked in a house with no human contact for days, months, maybe years. What's the funniest? I do not even want him. He is an asshole I will never have any respect for. He has only gotten me addicted to him like probably R has him addicted to her. One oh her many men.<br />
<br />
I finally have lost my faith in love. I have lost my strength to hold onto any hopes. Lets get real. This world was never made for emotions. We were sent here as animals. Like K said to me once, "<b><i>You can never love. You are such an animal. You just fuck</i></b>." Ladies and Gentlemen, that's my best friend for over a decade telling me that with absolute seriousness. I let it pass but that I will hold against her. She had no right to say something like that to me when she is not even interested or has a clue what I feel for CT and what I am going through. This is the 'best friend' of my life, I live with.<br />
<br />
Despite reading all of this, if you still expect me to move on with my life and hope and expect how unexpectedly things will change for me one fine day. I am sorry. I have not just given up. I have lost a game with no second chances. Lost my belief in my strongest value of 'Loving without expectations'. BECAUSE FUCKERS! PEOPLE EXPECT! AND THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU LOVE THEM YOU FUCKING RECOGNIZE THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY TO DO THINGS FOR THEM! I, have done, if not everything, yet I can proudly say, I have. I have fucking followed my heart <i>(who was that fucktard who told me that?) </i>and taken my risks time and again. I did today too in the middle of this post. I said I do not want to meet CT but I asked him to see me and he said he had plans. I knew it would turn this way. But I did. I took my chances. I have just been taking chances time and again, time and again, time and fucking again. But like they say right, somethings never change. My failures have not. My disappointments increase in a multitude, though. Every friend I ever banked on. Every tiny little thing makes me realize how most of my friends are not interested in my life. In what I may have to say. In what I may feel. They are there because I am there for them. Or maybe because I never told them about anything that ever mattered. I just don't. I just can not talk as much as I may want to. I can not think of a single person I can just hold, bury my face under their arm and cry till I sleep off in their lap and wake up to them smiling and making me feel like it is all fucking right. If I did not tell anymore because I wanted to make them feel like its no big deal then it really isn't. I want that person to smile and tell me it was all just a terrible terrible nightmare and its a bright new day. Its all the same as I left it more than a year back. Its all OKAY, in the real sense of it. I just want that smile to wrap me and make me believe all that I have unlearned. Make me that happy innocent smiling child again. Remove the chirpy mask and still find the awesome me that is confident, smart and happy. Just so fucking happy, I used to be that it confused people. Now, it doesn't matter to them. Such is world. Such is Life.<br />
<br />
I have no idea what am I going to make of myself. But something extreme awaits this time.<br />
<br />
Love 'n' Peace.<br />
<br />
Hugs.<br />
Kisses.<br />
LSL <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-79946766891875063722012-08-08T21:51:00.002-07:002012-08-08T21:55:29.917-07:00A Stale Piece of Cake<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of what was supposed to be a peaceful virtual interaction
has become not a barrier but lets say, it’s a reef – slippery, disgusting,
fancy looking yet not something you will pick up and take home as part of your
collection. Like my life, now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With no Internet for over two months, I have been waiting
for a chance to write, to tell you a story, another chapter of a new life gone
old. But as life has it, I am unable to match my steps with the stars that
dance above my head. Clueless – Confused – I do not know where to start, before
I catch up, the footwork has changed and it’s a new lesson all over again. A
viscous circle I chose to go round and round in, not knowing it could spin my
head. How foolish I could be? Going round and round continuously does give you
a head ache. One of the first experimental lessons you learn while playing
Ringa Ringa Roses. I am sorry. I forgot. Or maybe just wanted to play again.
Feel that sadistic joy we all felt after those circles, again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Somewhere I think K has a negative influence in your life.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: red;">“Why would you say that? That ain't true. I Love her!” </span></i>It
almost sounded forced to me. It might have to BG too.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This man was interested in me. We spoke all day. We flirted
all night. Good looking. Smart. Could give him a shot cause I felt maybe it was
high time I explore. I open up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“He pinged me. I did not reply.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: red;">“Why?”</span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Because I know you guys are flirting and now we live
together so I think I should not come into the picture.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: red;">“Chill. Maybe it was just a ‘Whats up’ ping.”</span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Yet!”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For once I felt proud of her. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Are you texting him?”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: red;">“Yes. You?”</span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“I am going to stop talking to him. I do not like him
texting us both together…. “</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course it was me who took a step back and they kissed,
after a week of texting and getting introduced by me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Its like she wants every man you remotely flirt with. If she was even slightly pretty, I would have
asked you to pretend like you were flirting with me. Then, she would be
interested in me too.”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As mean as that line was, it strangely made me feel good. It
was BG’s opinion but it was like he said it for me. Like I felt this somewhere
deep down but would never say it to self. And then, he said it, like, on my
behalf.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been warned. None of my friends like her. Including
V, the recent man I sleep with off and on. He does not even know her. Just
thinks, <i>“She is your friend, I understand. But why, I do not.”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now my defence for her has come down to an unreasonable
<i><span style="color: red;">“Because I Love her. She is my oldest bestest friend.”</span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“You know, my friend had the chance to hit on this girl I
liked. She was all over him. And I was not even in the same city. Yet, he
backed off. Other guys didn’t. He did, cause he is my friend.”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BG’s anecdote that made me feel worse.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“I was about to go and ask that guy at the bar that he was
trying to get all jiggy with you the last time.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="color: red;">“Is the purpose of your life is to embarrass me?”</span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“No! Why should you be embarrassed? It is he, who should
be.”</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He, who flirted with her the first few times and then
started to hit on me pretty blatantly and sexually. Ofcouse K was told about
it. And she (probably) did not like it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
K is seeing RH. The man I had had my first one night stand
with. The man was gentle and became a nicer person after I got to know him once
K and he started dating. K is ofcourse having her fun while he is away. Her
brother and I do not approve of it but then, ‘it is her life after all’.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a good time to go home. To just indulge in home
cooked food and some comfortable quality time with family, where there would be
no space left for me to think, to over think, to evaluate and to realize what I
do not want to.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She decided to come to her home too after two days. I came
back before her and saw some of my invaluable things missing. I checked her
drawer, only because I have noticed other insignificant things from my house
missing before and finding at her place. But I never confronted her regarding
it. This time too, when I found it despite us sharing the room. I have not
confronted and will not. But I know, now, that I have taken it back from where
she hid it, she knows that I know.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, this is what I live with. This, is what I call my life
partner. This bond – a marriage. This closeness – a treasure. Unfortunate, I
feel. This is all I have truly invested all my emotions in. Feels like finding
your husband has been cheating on you after 20 years of a happy blissful
marriage. I am sure, this is what this feels like. Sadly, I called her family.
They do not do this, do they? Are they always that selfish? Does it make you
feel like a toy? This does. This makes me feel like a fool. Worse than what CT
made me feel – A never thought of heartbreak. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fell in love with the man. He knew it. For his comfort, he
was always around and otherwise, well… He is apparently finding his comfort in
many like me. He has in the past and continues to do so. A hard step but I have
taken many steps back, resisting the temptations of the comfort his arms. He
angers me, like no man ever has. He saddens me, like no other bond had until K.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
K beats everything. Unfortunately for me, all of this came
together, slowly, like a venomous drug spreading through my veins, killing me
softly without any pain. For once, struck with so many realizations, poured
with so many lessons, I feel not cold, I feel not unnerved. I feel wiser. I
feel stronger. I feel the original plan shall take place. I am even more
seriously thinking of moving out of the country. Not now. No impulse has gotten
me where I have wanted to be. And believe me, I have lived quite a part of my
life on impulse. Take it as an advice, if you please. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A new world, a new set of people, not even familiar looking
for that matter is what I am looking forward to, now. It’s a long time from
now. Maybe a year, maybe more, maybe less, but it is to happen. I have fought
my surrendering to a world of no love and no loyalty. I still have the
strongest part of me going once again, my faith. Feelings will change. People
will be replaced. But there is no escaping yourself. Be true to yourself. Do
not let anything anyone turn you into what you do not want to be. For as lame
and repetitive this may sound, believe you me, its true, my friend. If you are
young, you are learning. And learn with an open heart. Never forget, at 50, you
will have to pass the same lessons to your children. They will go through the
same, god forbid, maybe worse and that is when they too will break down and
come home, just to escape into their oldest comfort zone, the home cooked food.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still have a lot of love and still a lot of strength to
dive into adventures. This, my friend is nothing compared to the possibilities
that exist in this world. So many lessons still await me and my old habit of
learning them the way refuses to fade away. With every ash falling on the keys
beneath this screen, the lips curve upwards, a little more. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“A True friend is he, who never talks behind your back”</i>,
said someone casually today. That is when I picked my laptop and moved out to
start typing the above. But now, it is no more about the out pour, it is for you
to know, nothing in this world is that important to learn it the hard way. Be
cautious. Protect yourself a little, not over. Be sensible. Be open to
learning. Be attentive and catch well whatever life throws at you. It could be
an insignificant lemon that you may not sight in the sky, it could be a pumpkin
that could break your head if not got your calculations right.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Love ‘n’ Peace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hugs. Kisses.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
LSL.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-39789323386879353382012-04-08T22:39:00.008-07:002012-04-09T00:39:06.494-07:00Walking on the Wild SideI was so confused as a little child trying to make sense of love, of men of sex. I thought old people were hornier for they had more kids than our parent's generation because according to me people had sex just to make babies, which means two kids = had sex twice in life. Yes, I was a kid. Now, a whore? No. Definitely not. The music in me tells me its a good fuckin' life.<br /><br />CT was loved. CT broke my heart. Common friend calls<br /><br />"Do you know AB?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"No."</span><br />"She is CT's new love interest."<br /><br />This conversation while CT is in front of him. He denied loving her, being interested in her. But she landed in his city to see him. To surprise. Only, he was shocked. He didn't appreciate the impulse yet welcomed the 'shock' and took care of her. Told her this was not meant to work. She asked him to give her a baby boy and she would live with it for the rest of her life in a pilgrimage. <span style="font-style: italic;">*shakes head* Who talks like this today?</span> CT came out clear to me and all our common friends calling her a psycho and started flirting with me once again. Ofcourse, I responded but cribbed to a friend as to wtf this was. On her insistence, I sent him a song pouring my feelings, he did not take it seriously and I thought I screwed up. He wrote something about a 'fat bitch' and I thought I came across as someone pushy to him and felt worst about self. Cribbed to K. And the best solution to a heartbreak is drinking endlessly with friends and meeting new people. Hence, was done.<br /><br />Drinking smoking, like life is good. The music helped the sorrow fade away. The pain of his ignorance and a confession that got no response was healing in smoke circles of hash and big gulps of Bacardi. The best bit about regular pubs is meeting friends who are regulars there too. Bumped into V, a neighbor, a friend and a regular. We chatted like always but who knew going back home together would mean the same this time too. V and I had no chemistry.<br /><br />"Do you want to go back home together?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Sure."</span><br />On the way.<br />"Do you have any alcohol at home?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Yes. Beer?"</span><br />"Excellent."<br />Conversation from our same roots, our childhood, education, politics were taken over by music once home.<br />"How do you react to indiscretion?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I am not much of a reactor."</span> Followed by some personal anecdote about some nondiscrimination, cause that is the word I heard.<br />"You still haven't answered my question."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"What?"</span><br />"How do you react to indiscretion?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Eeerr... I do not know how to react on this. "</span> After a long pause. <span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Everything is good man."</span><br /><br />He got off his chair which was a feet away from me and leaned. Led me to my room and undressed me like this was all that was on his mind. He was rather different in bed. Can not say, good or bad, but different. Also, considering I had regrown my virginity after almost a year of no 'humpy action', I was in a sorted place. Stoned. Drunk. Horny. Both of us. We did it twice. He stayed back, cuddled and slept. Just the perfect end to a heartbreak. <span style="font-style: italic;">My life is a fucking movie! </span>Yes, I also made morning tea for him and he left with my mug. Neighbours, you see.<br /><br />As soon as he left, I check my phone and find a text from CT saying he has a stop over in the city for 3-4 hours. And yes, we met. He, me and our common friends. I thought it would be very awkward between us because of the conversation we had yesterday but it was not. He hung out all night as friends, laughed, flirted and he made one of the best home made coffees I have ever had. Told me and the friends about AB's antiques and how he wrote the 'fat bitch' for her friend who was talking slyly about him. CT was looking for books in my room when I walked in and he pulled me in to hug. It was a hug I was longing for and loving every second wrapped around his arms. I have not found such comfort anywhere but in his arms. Its warm. I melt and forget the world. We kissed. <span style="font-style: italic;">(D'uh!)</span> We all left to drop him and all through the way I slept on his shoulder, he played with my hair, stole kisses and he sang in my ears through the way. It was perfect. It was comfortable. Just so comfortable! The kind that a craving pregnant woman finds in her chocolate ice cream at 3:00 AM. Yes, that. And then, he left. We were in a happy place, once again. As I saw him go, I saw my heart turn away. It did not sink, did not smile, did not break. No questions asked. No answers given. For nothing was felt. No emotions left. And once again, I was emotion less. Left wanting to feel the feeling called 'love' but it was misunderstood in CT's case too.<br /><br />My feelings confuse me in the strangest ways. Sometimes I think I thought I was in love with CT only because I wanted to be in love. Sometimes I think, maybe I was which is why I let go of myself, got myself heartbroken and am now making a sinner of my memory by constantly telling the heart 'it wasn't love'. I have let it go. Fuck it, like they say. Emotions are not my thing. Too much hard work recognizing, feeling and understanding. Next day, I text CT 'I need a headrest.' He would know what I mean, but he did not reply. Realized, its best till its there. Do not put yourself through the same thing of constantly flirting and finding mush and comfort in him. I will only fall in love again, question again, break this heart again. Before I could let it go completely, I find out AB, 'fat bitch' and CT's ex have ganged up against him and talking crap to the world, abusing him left, right and center. Apparently, he had been flirting with the 'fat bitch' too and many other women. All of these women found out and became the Crazy Ex Girlfriends. Tarnishing his reputation, pulling everyone by the collar and telling them what a bitch CT is and how girls should beware of a nympho like him.<br /><br />Well, I do not deny that for he is a flirt. He does make his woman feel like he is dying to be with them but can not. He is a player, that way. I was only glad these women did not know about me or at least did not drag me into this considering how they really were dragging the world into this matter. I stayed quiet for a few days but felt bad for him. Finally defended him a little. Not really defended but at least asked the women to stop washing their dirty laundry in public. Its a simple thing. I have met AB. She is bloody sweet and I respect her belief in love and passion for it but I am sorry, I am not a very big fan of women letting go off their dignity. If a woman thinks a man is an Asshole and does not deserve your love, then he does not deserve your wrath too because men find guilt in a woman's silence not in her blabbering to the world about his character. If a woman respects herself, she does not have to shut up and cry about it but be bloody strong and have the balls to not howl and cry to the world. I am sorry, that is not how you guard your self respect which a man had already shaken when you fell for him. Unfortunately they did and why did I speak for him? Because as a friend, I thought I must. Yes, just as a friend.<br /><br />I know exactly the conversations he must have had with these women. So much so i can quote him. But neah, not a feeling felt, not a drop of jealousy, not an inch of pain or betrayal. I knew he is a Flirt all along. I knew what he meant and how much of it when he said whatever he did. Whether him wanting to cuddle up in the middle of a night or wanting to ball dance to Beethoven. He did mean it all, but only momentarily. I knew that. They didn't. Unfortunate for CT that he had to go through such public humiliation. He did mess with the wrong women and I texted him along with a friend assuring him he was a nice guy, no matter what. He is a friend. The Love, the pain was gone, like it never existed. Like our togetherness never existed. Ofcourse he did not reply to that either. He is coming back to town in a few days. Do not know if we will meet. Do not know if we will ever know or see each other again. Its a chapter that does not know its end.<br /><br />The Walk on the Wild Side has just begun!<br /><br />Regular weekends include K and I getting stoned and listening to crazy music. One of such weekends fell right after CT left and <a href="http://luscioussealedlips.blogspot.in/2011/06/typical-indian-male.html">TC</a> comes back. We had been in touch off and on trying to figure when is a good time for him to come over and that day I just let him. K, he and I chilled until we went to my room and finished what was meant to. Just when we finished and we were trying to catch our breath, the door bell started ringing like crazy. It was 2:30 in the night. It was scary cause the bell would not stop ringing, I rush and open the door and what do I see? FUCKING V was standing outside my door, drunk.<br /><br style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"WTF are you doing here?"</span><br />"I came to see you. Do not want to sleep alone."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"But I have friends over."</span><br />"So, we will sleep in your room."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"V! This is crazy."</span><br />"I know but keep me with you, please."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"V, I have friends."</span><br style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);"><br />After trying to put some sense in his head for 15 minutes outside my door, I took him to the other room and asked him to stay there till i came. In the meanwhile I went back to my room, told TC a friend came over and TC said he will leave, and so he did. K was in the drawing room, confused. Yes, I was too. All my buzz was gone in that time. Went back to V, we cuddled, we made out until the bell began ringing again like crazy. This time it was my flatmate, who came home pissed drunk. I wanted to kill myself at that moment. So much panic. So much drama. <span style="font-style: italic;">This was out of a fucking film, I warned ya.</span> I make V put his clothes back on and took him into my now empty room. Thankfully he was too drunk to realize there were no friends in my room now, like I had told him just a few minutes back. Flatmate, drunk and confused. I tucked V in the bed and went out to take care of a drunk Flatmate who had to leave the house in 15 minutes again to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. Hydrated her, got her into her senses and put her in her car. Both of us giggling like girls with no idea how to react on what was happening.<br /><br />Once she left, I went back to V. We had unexpected sex. It was just about cuddling, right? He freaked me out by saying 'I Love you' during the act too many times. Did not let him finish and put him back to sleep. Woke up, and the regular tea and music followed V, K and me. V finally after spending a long time in the morning and few short making out sessions, left for home.<br /><br />I just wanted to get comfortable, hug my best friend, K and sleep. K and I, both had not slept all night. My head was hurting with so much panic and so much sex till I finally slept in the afternoon the next day. Within two hours, I had had sex twice with two different men that night. It sounds pretty whore-ish but it did not feel that way at all. And now I wonder, where is the bloody conscience? Where are the bloody feelings? Blowing away with every smoke circle? Drowning with every gulp of rum? Where was CT? I want to hold him and sleep. Sing for me, while I sleep?<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-61274754664252020752012-01-14T22:20:00.000-08:002012-01-15T00:30:42.495-08:00Chaotic PeaceBad Dreams come to us all. We all wake up in the middle of the night to look around for comfort. To take us in our arms and calm our fears down. Why do bad dreams scare us so much? Because it is in your sleep that your conscience fully awakens, answering all your questions in semiotic forms. Mine do too.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"CT!"</span><br />"Tell me"<br />"What?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Nothing. Just wanted a Hug then."</span><br />"Aaaww."<br /><br />CT is still missed. He still fucks my head. I still wait for my phone to beep to see his name flash. He is missed. But not longed. Maybe not loved either.<br /><br />Funny, how we wish for someone in our lives just to boost our self esteems. Funny how we want them just to comfort ourselves with a thought of having someone. You may not want them, yet you do, for reasons that are complex. That someone for me is CT.<br /><br />When CT happened, I knew exactly what this was. I knew it will end with a kiss at the break of dawn. We continued to act all mushy, staying in touch. Flirting. Loving. That too came to an end with unsettling emotions and conversations. Sometimes it feels like it vanished in a whiff. Maybe it did, but why did I not feel a jerk. Instead, I felt anger. Anger at being rejected like this. Anger at not getting an upper hand. Anger at not getting a chance at massaging my ego. But then, when have I?<br /><br />In all the past months, of all the men have come and gone, I have been the door mat. I have been the foolish one hoping to make it work, even when I actually did not want to. Probably because I wanted a stable relationship more than the person.<br /><br />No point in self victimizing and lying to yourself. Lets face it - In the deepest and darkest of the corners of my heart what it all was. It was all a sham. They all, just temporary comforts. There is indeed a comfort, a morale boost in being longed. In being wanted, but not giving. That piece was missing. As much as I wanted to reach that stage, I ended up being on the other end. Or at least making them believe so.<br /><br />All of these men probably think I long for them, when I do not. All of these men would probably think at some point in their lives, I loved them (or at least I hope they do), when I did not. Love, my friend, is a funny game.<br /><br />So many of you said in the last post, I need a change. A new set of friends. A new city. I too thought that would do the trick, but not until you make those minor changes in self. Everybody in Every city are the same, if you are. And everybody in the same city change, if you do.<br /><br />I have spent too much time looking for love, finding some awesomely wrong ones, made some terrible mistakes. Felt used, hurt, special, cheated and more, all in the meanwhile. But this is part of the process. It is what takes you closer to what you really have and value it.<br /><br />Unlike all these men, G is home. Times when I really look for a clue if 'true love' and 'stability' exist, all I do is shut my eyes and bury myself in G's arms. G is where I find true comfort. G is home. Its now I understand why I broke up with G. To really know and understand what I had. And luckily, I have not lost.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Are you officially dating that girl from your office now?"</span><br />"No. But we go out."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Then date her no, dumb-dumb."</span><br />"No point. Her parents are looking for boys for her. Plus I have no intentions of marrying for another 5-6 years."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Oh! So if I do not find anybody after 5-6 years, I can still flirt with you."</span><br />"Ofcourse! You are THE WOMAN in my life."<br /><br />How stupid was I to let this man slip who would be around, holding me, stabilizing me, loving me, encouraging me, holding my hand even when his body and mind are completely occupied by the television set in front of his eyes. <span style="font-style: italic;">This</span> is love. This is a relationship. I have never ever even been able to imagine a life like that with any other man. The thoughts have never gone beyond your typical teenage love dreams. Maybe a little more when it came to BG and CT. BG was too good a friend to question any comfort. It was easy to think of comfortable times with him because he was a great friend. CT, guess it was the timing. The peak of desperation to get out of the mess that all other men created and finding love in that stranger. But the truth is, CT was never comfort. BG was the comfort, you find in friends. G, is home!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Now, why would I not get back to G?</span><br /><br />Its simple, actually. He is that one man I would never want to hurt in my life. He is that only man who has earned my respect and trust through and through. I would not do ANYTHING on this planet to fuck with his head ever again. I have done that enough. Not again.<br /><br />I truly love him for what he is. And I respect him, more than anything else. What if I change my mind? What if an external factor makes it difficult? Just, what if it is not to work out again? Then, what? My relationship with G is so special to me that I would not want it loosing its real essence with a second chance. Like an awesome movie fucking it up with a squeal. G is special. And to treasure it and have it all my life, I will save it under a secret place, where no one can find it. I Love you G. (I had not said that in so long!)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Now, my current status on Love, Sex and Relationships?</span><br /><br />Love - May or May not happen. No hurry, any more. No point looking cause you only end up finding the wrong ones. The right one will walk upto you just be alert enough to recognize it.<br /><br />Relationships - They do not just happen. They need hard work from both ends. You are only ready for it when you are willing to trust, love and share a life. Maybe I am not ready for that yet.<br /><br />Sex - Oh! How badly I should be getting laid right now. And ofcourse ask the man to fuck off after I have orgasmed. (Ego Boost? Remember?)<br /><br />I have found my peace in this chaos. You would not know what peace is, till chaos comes. You would not know what love is, till hurt and rejection happen. You will not know what sex is, till you have had a long dry spell.<br /><br />Am I back? Or Am I back? My Lovelies, I throw my arms at you for a BIG HUG and a BIG KISS. (Like G and I always said. ;))<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.<br /><br />P.S. - I am not going to stop looking around. I am not going to stop making the mistakes I have. I am going to live, learn and have fun. I am not going to attach myself to anybody just because I need that 'comfort'. And you understand this only after you have discovered what you were actually looking for.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-62747509808274388482011-11-18T22:47:00.000-08:002011-11-19T00:19:50.809-08:00Pieces of the HeartAll I wanna do is crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. Running away from the past does not come easy, but this hurt I feel is not easy to face, either. Sleepless nights. Sleepy nights full of nightmares. Nightmares of blood. Blood that flows in my broken heart. The pieces of this broken heart can't be put together anymore.<br /><br />Which piece of the broken heart do I begin from? The Phoenix in me is finally dying with no hope to rise again. I am sure it has a re birth limit like a cat too.<br /><br />I said this in the previous <a href="http://luscioussealedlips.blogspot.com/2011/08/love-sex-and-friends.html">post</a> <span style="font-style: italic;">'Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does.' </span>And so it did. Not once. Not twice, but over and over again. Just aged a thousand years in a few weeks. Only so much can a lonely heart take. A heart, open for loving and being loved. A heart granting constant forgiveness. A heart, which is failed and hopeless, now.<br /><br />Sitting by my window, hiding behind music, I let the emotion die with every minute. But then every song has a story to tell. Stories that just imprison me with hurt again.<br /><br />K began dating RH, a betrayal of friendship, I thought. F happened right around that time. One meeting, one kiss and the heart smiled. It happened again. And again. I went away only to come back and find out F and K were online friends. F had fallen for K, in the first 'chat'. They talked allot, they flirted, WTF was really happening. Is my life being filmed for some reality movie? Seemed like it. F vanished saying 'He found K hot and liked her.' I was just away for three days and his 'feelings' for me died.<br /><br />K knew I thought of F as an Asshole of sorts, now. She secretly spoke to him and lied to me about ignoring him. But why was she doing that? She was already dating RH that time. Cutting the cake and having it too? All I knew was, my friend stood by me in words. She hailed abuses at F for acting like a jerk with me, but what she did not know was I knew that she was still being nice to him, maybe more than that.<br /><br />It was F's birthday, and we go to our regular pub. The pub was renewed. The claustrophobic charm was lost. We sang to our favorite songs and stared at the newness of the pub, looking stoned and bored. K whispered, "Your F, is here too." I had already noticed and ignored. I turned back and said, "<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">I know. How did you recognize him? You two have not met ever.</span>"<br />"Pictures! He gave me a familiar look and I turned away. I understood it was him."<br />"<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Hhhmm." (So buy able!)</span><br />"You can go say Hi!"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I don't want to."</span><br />RH held her from behind and they began dancing again. And I excused myself from the place.<br /><br />F pinged the next day confirming if I was there at the pub or not.<br />"I thought I saw you at this place."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"If it was two days ago, then you might have cause I was there."</span><br />"I met your friend, K too."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Oh! Yes, it was her birthday. But how did you guys know each other?"</span><br />"She recognized me and said Hi. So we talked."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Oh!"</span><br />"Why did you not say Hi to me?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Because I did not see you. Was really drunk and stoned, you see."</span><br />"I thought you saw me and ignored. So I did the same."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Lol. I am not that kind of a person. I will say Hi next time I see you."</span><br /><br />I partially lied. I am not that kind of a person for sure, but I was at that time. I was angry. For once, I felt anger at a man.<br /><br />Call it destiny, call it co incidence, I met him again the next day at another pub where I went drinking with another friend. We smiled and did say Hi this time.<br /><br />He spoke to me once I got home. He weirdly kept insisting who was this 'friend' I was with at the pub. I laughed it off until he began crying about how K had now begun ignoring him. That he would now 'delete' her from his life cause it hurt him to see her around but be treated this way. I just listened. Why? Because I know he is a lonely messed up man with no friends. I pitied him, now.<br /><br />S, the longest wooing man in my life had begun to build up now. I was not open to a relationship when he first asked me to give it a shot, but after an entire year of wooing, and the recent hurt, I was wanting to find stability in my Love life and I knew, S was the perfect guy for it.<br /><br />S and I spoke for days. Met. He came home. We hardly hugged. We knew this was going somewhere. We were happy. There were times he would not reply to texts and calls too. But when he would, he seemed genuinely busy. I let it go. We decided to meet again, but without informing he cancelled. I let it go. Probably my heart was not all into him, after all. It did not seem to matter that much. Happened again and then again. Finally he had to be told to leave. He was told how hurtful it was to cancel on someone and not adhere to the general courtesy of letting the person know. It was also hurtful and rude. All he had to say was he was still busy in office. He could have done that earlier in the evening too, but he did not. And never tried getting in touch again. Now, when I look back, I see it as a good thing. I was never attracted to him. He would just be a distraction. As a matter of fact, I had no feelings for F too. I just felt like a bus stand for all these men who walked in and out as per their convenience.<br /><br />I decided to let it all go and never again give a chance to another man. The best way to distract yourself - Get drunk with a new set of people or friends who you know are harmless and totally capable of distracting my mind. And so they did. Met new people, smiled, laughed, felt myself coming back. Also made one of the best fun conversations with CT. CT came to town just for twelve hours to meet another of the new friends. We were pissed drunk. He asked for a hug and I do not know how but he leaned in for a kiss and we kissed until interrupted by another friend who walked in on us. We kissed and kissed again later. He held my hand through out. We spent the night just holding each other, talking literature and feeling each other. Cuddling, hugging and kissing. He talked about his ex and how she had hurt him. He asked, "Have you ever been hurt?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I do not want to talk about it."</span><br />He held me and kissed me again.<br />"I miss being loved."<br />And my heart melted. We all do. I do too. And all I wanted to do that night was make him feel loved because I know how lonely and horrible it feels. He was going to leave at the break of dawn, anyway.<br /><br />We loved, we laughed, we talked and kissed all night. Only to say goodbye to the perfect stranger in the morning.<br /><br />We should have stopped there. But two lonely hurt hearts can not do that. We texted. We spoke. We shared our days in pictures and words for days. There was mush all over my face, all over my phone.<br /><br />F kept calling and texting the next day. I ignored. Not only was I done with him, completely. I was also happy being with someone else. F called all day. I ignored all day. F finally texted at 2 AM. "I am outside your house." I met him. He leaned in to kiss. I pushed him away and gave him a piece of my mind, he deserved. He had the audacity to say, "If you were just a booty call. I would have come inside your house." <span style="font-style: italic;">Like I would let him in? </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Do you realize you can not walk in and out on people? It hurts."</span><br />"What about people who are already hurt, L?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"That gives you no right to hurt other people. You are just messed up and need to sort your life out. I promise to be there as a friend but this is not something I can put up with."</span><br />I walked out on him, forever.<br /><br />In the meanwhile, CT and I were like a happy couple who are blushing and smiling all day. He sang for me <span style="font-style: italic;">'Strangers in the Night' </span>and we knew we were each other's 'perfect strangers', not knowing we will see each other again or not. We knew we felt for each other too. It was not just a one night thing.<br /><br />This very thought began to frustrate me and I expressed it so. He calmed me down and said he had no clue just like me, only to see him withdraw from the next day. I reciprocated in the same way. Only to find out later, his ex got to know about us and was giving him hell for it. He said he was guilty to lead me on and hurt me. I should have stopped. I didn't. I behaved like my asshole self. Acting all nice and understanding while I died inside. I told him how he could have been an asshole like the rest and just vanished if he wished to, but he was a gentleman to talk about it. We let it go after that conversation. Yet, it did not stop. I cried non stop for two full days. Hiding my swollen red eyes from the world. Sometimes, I still get them. CT, was liked. He came back to say he loved me. And we got back to our usual self again. And when after days he asked if I loved him too, I confessed. And he began to fade away again. This time, I really let it go. I find it hard not to be talking to him all the time. Not to waking up to his sweet nothings in the middle of the night, I miss that morning squeeze and the sleepy cuddles we talked and imagined about. But we got to let it go. We may have wanted each other. But his heart and mind was pre occupied and I was just a mere distraction for him.<br /><br />It hurts still. Even now, when I want to snuggle in my bed and cry myself to sleep, I wish CT would hold me and kiss me to sleep. But we will not. And never will. Probably no man ever will. Because I am done. I am dead. My heart is a dead phoenix that can not rise from the ashes again.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-61459491529842628652011-08-25T13:15:00.000-07:002011-08-28T00:22:25.257-07:00Love Sex and Friends.When you wake up and reach for the left over Belgian Chip Chocolate Ice Cream in your Freezer and then the left over half bar of Twix, the world will know you have not had a good week.
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<br />Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does. Just when I was wondering all of my days what do I write on my Blog, cause nothing except work happens in my life. RH came back and how!
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<br />RH is back, living with my best friend K. How does he know her? Reminder - K's boyfriend's best friend, also RH is that sweet loving caressing guy I had a one nighter with. He was gone for a year and has re appeared, but left like a Ghost.
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<br />K, like always kept trying to hook me and RH up through out his stay, but I kept ignoring, instead made fun of the whole idea in front of RH and let it go. Despite K trying to place me with him verbally, she would always stick around with him, flirt with him in obvious ways. Where is K's boyfriend? Away for the last two months for work, and will remain away for the next four to six months more.
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<br />"RH and I kissed!"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Whaaaat!?"</span>
<br />"Yeah...."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"No, I could not hear you."</span>
<br />"RH and I kissed."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Whaaaat!?"</span>
<br />"Yeah..."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"WTF dude!"</span>
<br />"I know."
<br />We laugh.
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<br />I really had no clue how to react. Thankfully I was with this other close friend of mine at that time and I just lay my head on the table after hanging up and the friend knew what just happened. Apparently, none of my friends like K. They think she is weird and not a true friend to me. But the point is, she is my friend and I do not give a fuck. I will do anything and everything for her. But this time? I did not know.
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<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"RH and K kissed."</span>
<br />"Whaaat?"
<br />After a pause.
<br />"I am not surprised."
<br />Awkward silence.
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"WTF man! I knew this was coming but really this should not have come."</span>
<br />"Well..."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"No well... This ain't cool man. Friends DO NOT kiss the same guy. Ever!"</span>
<br />"Then you should tell her that..."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Now? When she has already kissed him?"</span>
<br />"Before she sleeps with him."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"My saying will not stop her from sleeping with him."</span>
<br />"Then your friendship is fucked up."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"No."</span>
<br />"Dude! She is going to sleep with the man you slept with."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Dude! It is not about him. I don't give a flying fuck about RH. Its just as a friend she should not have done that. Its weird man..."</span>
<br />"Then tell her no..."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I don't think RH is worth fighting over with K."</span>
<br />"WTF are you talking?"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"She sounds excited about RH. I can not help it. I should have known when she kept randomly saying things like 'I can share my man with you cause you are such a best friend of mine' jazz. Argh."</span>
<br />"What?"
<br />
<br />K Calling.
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<br />"Are you mad at me?"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Why?"</span>
<br />"Cause you know... RH and me..."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Oh! Crazy woman! Why will I be mad at you? Are you stupid?"</span>
<br />"Phew! I knew it. I Love you. Come soon. We need to talk. I am going to explode in excitement."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Ill be there in a while. See you. Muah."</span>
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<br />"Why the fuck did you not tell her?"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Cause I Love her too much. I just can not.... I do not want to kill it for her... She is excited and happy."</span>
<br />"You are not being a true friend."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I am sorry. I can never be mad with her. Even if she fucked my husband."</span>
<br />"WTF dude. That is just sick!"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I do not know. I Love very very few people this way but when I do, I do man."</span>
<br />"Stop trying to fit into Godly nice shoes. Get real, for God's sake!"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"You are not going to understand this. It is weird for me. It is crazy. It is not something I am cool with. But I will also let it go. It shall pass away."</span>
<br />"You guys are fucked up."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"So be it."</span>
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<br />I did what a friend is to do. Defended her. Laughed with her. Got happy for her. Hi5ed and smiled and giggled like 14 year olds do. But I tore inside. RH was just a one night stand. I was not emotionally involved with him ever, yet I felt cheated and betrayed somewhere. Why did she do this? She described how he played with her hair, held her hand, caressed her lovingly and made her feel like no other man ever has. I just smiled. This time I could not bring myself to Aaaww her because I felt the same and I could not tell her that that is how he feels. I smiled for her. Dying inside for reasons I do not know.
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<br />She added me to hers and RH's conversation, it was now a serious conference.
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<br />"What do we do about the boyfriend, L?"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Lol. Finally realized?"</span>
<br />"This whole equation is fucked up man."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Well... That it is."</span>
<br />"RH's best friend is my boyfriend. My best friend slept with RH. Me and RH are going to sleep together. WTF, man!"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"LOL."</span>
<br />RH was in the conversation but only as a listener. What was he to say, anyway?
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Just for the record, YOU AND I ARE NOT SLEEPING KISSING THE SAME MAN EVER AGAIN."</span>
<br />Maybe my friend was right. I should let K know I am not cool with this before she actually goes and sleeps with my husband.
<br />Funnily, she laughed it off and got back to her usual "RH RH RH" mode. I left the conversation. I'd rather kill my time with this other friend of mine whom I was chatting with along side, J.
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<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Whats up?"</span>
<br />"Just buying a sandwich. Really need a smoke. Cant find."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I'll give you a smoke. You get me a sandwich. Super hungry."</span>
<br />"Where are you?"
<br />We were apparently very close.
<br />"I will seriously come over."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Lol. No. I am kidding. It is 2 AM."</span>
<br />"But damn. I really need a smoke."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"And I really need a sandwich."</span>
<br />"What do we do?"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Argh. Just come man!"</span>
<br />He came. We sat. We smoked. We talked. We went out for a drive in crazy rains. Ate sandwiches. Came back home. Smoked. Lots of small talk. And then he left.
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<br />I locked my house and before I turned, my phone beeped.
<br />"Just so you know. You are cuter than I thought you were."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Thank you. And you are really sweet."</span>
<br />"Sweet is not good enough. Err... I do not want to kill this but I really wanted to kiss you."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"You remember I am married and have two kids."</span>
<br />"I will still take my chances."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">":)"</span>
<br />"Funnily, I have not left yet. I am sitting in my car, messaging you."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"You must go."</span>
<br />"I wanna see you one more time before leaving. Coming to the car?"
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"No. :P"</span>
<br />"I can not ask you to come if you do not want to. But I will wait for 5 mins. If you come, great. If not, then well, bye."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Honestly, its 4:30 AM. I am not too sure if I should walk upto your car alone."</span>
<br />"Come out of your house. I am coming there."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I am coming out just to SAY Good Night."</span>
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<br />The doorbell rang. I stood at my door. He sat on the stairs beside it.
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Hi."</span>
<br />"Hi."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"Its late."</span>
<br />"I know."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"You must go."</span>
<br />"Hhmm."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"So?"</span>
<br />"Stop being an Asshole."
<br />He leaned in and kissed.
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<br />Despite all that flirting, I was shocked and surprised at what happened. But then we kissed and we kissed and we kissed. Ofcourse he tried getting his hands inside my shirt and on my breasts. But I stopped him. I was proud. I knew I did not want another one nighter. With RH now turning into a disaster and the last one, well you all know what the hell that was. I just did not want one more to add to this horrible feeling list of mine. We kissed for hours and then he left when well it became extremely difficult for him to 'hold on'. Once he got back. We spoke for hours on the phone. Small talk. He said some really nice things to me. The nicest being 'You look so innocent that it is impossible to have dirty thoughts about you. All I wanna do is stare at this angel face and kiss it.' Just the perfect time to say that. I really really needed to hear something so nice after feeling this horrid and torn about RH and K. All it took was that kiss and his sweet talk and random fun company to make me forget all about RH and K. It did not matter anymore, all of a sudden. I was now thinking of F.
<br />
<br />When I told K about F, she was excited. Thought I had landed a jackpot with his looks and job. But admitted he looked unstable and a flipper. That makes us complete opposites. She insisted I should date him, but then it was just one meeting, one kiss. He called the next day, asked if he could come over, but I was with a friend. I messaged him the day after that and he did not reply. I kept waiting all night. But he did not. I was right, afterall.
<br />
<br />"Date him, L."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"K, This is going to end with a fuck."</span>
<br />"I think he likes you."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"K, No."</span>
<br />"No, believe me L. Men fuck me, they like you."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I have no clue what makes you think that way. But just so you are reminded. You end up dating all the men you sleep with, and I do not even stay in touch."</span>
<br />"Also, I have slept with some 20 men and you just 3."
<br />We laughed.
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"I cant date him. He is not stable, K."</span>
<br />"And you are not fun. You are boring. You have no life. You both will balance each other out."
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">"K, Where the fuck are you taking this one kiss? This kiss was just a I-will-make-you-feel-special-till-I-fuck-you."</span>
<br />"I have no clue who has hurt you, L. But this will not end with a fuck, babe."
<br />
<br />I did not say a thing. Now, I just did not know what do I feel bad about. About how I am disappointed in my friendship? About how K, despite having told her everything, very conveniently says 'she has stopped feeling deep emotions'? She is flipping. I am scared to see her this way. I really am. About F not replying to my text last night? About me being just a fuck for F? About how I will not find a 'relationship'? About how the stability I am so proud of is just on the outside and inside I am an emotional wreck? About how everyday I feel 'bad things happen to bad people' and so I am a bad person? About how I maybe giving in too much to my friendship without receiving anything in return? About waiting and waiting and just waiting like the Step Sister who has no story but just a pretty dress, an ugly face and the significance of a vamp?
<br />
<br />I can not look sad. I can never show or express my true feelings, emotions and fears to anyone on this planet. I can not thank god enough for giving me writing. For if this was not there, my absolute power over pretense and fake smiles would be lost.
<br />
<br />May you all Love endlessly and find true and genuine Book Love.
<br />
<br />Love 'n' Peace.
<br />
<br />Hugs.
<br />Kisses.
<br />
<br />P.S. - Everyone please put your hands together for <a href="http://sulagnablogs.blogspot.com/">Sulagna</a> , my Blogger Diva who just gave birth to a beautiful Bengali Babe. One more girl out in this world to love endlessly and be loved even more so. Hugs Su. You have no idea, how happy I am for you. Congratulations! You will make a Super Cool Mom! Love you.
<br />Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-4480222163698188972011-06-02T19:57:00.000-07:002011-06-02T21:50:35.711-07:00The Typical Indian Male<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes... I didn't get gang raped. Heading Home... SAFE!</span>"<br />":) Love you. Hope you enjoyed it."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Long conversation... man!"</span><br />Message delivered to K.<br /><br />I rush into an auto, just cause its been over seven hours and I have not gotten my damned smoke. After ages it was a peaceful, no traffic early morning ride back home. Courtesy calls - I message him. But no, I don't want to. Why? Conversation with self last night.<br /><br />I walk out of the washroom feeling shy and naked. Rush for my shirt on the chair.<br />"Unfair. I am still naked. You can sleep naked too."<br />I smile and lay beside him. TC puts his arm around me. I put my hand on his thankfully no hair chest. Or maybe there were some. Too dark for me to see and nothing that I felt. But I liked cause I was being held after a long time.<br /><br />"Umm... If my arm stays around you like this, I wont be able to sleep."<br />I smile and begin to move back. TC grabs me back and we get onto it for the second time.<br /><br />I came. Thankfully, cause I did not think he was capable of it after he felt hesitant about going down on me and even about turning around and me getting on top of him. <span style="font-style: italic;">What? Really? Do men in today's world deny getting some effortless pleasure? Or did he sense my You-ain't-getting-this-right-Mr.- let-me-take-over feeling? I hope he sensed it.</span> So instead I turn around and well <span style="font-style: italic;">almost</span> did it from behind.<br /><br />There were times I could not help but laugh. I am sure it hurt his <span style="font-style: italic;">'mardangi'</span>. But sorry my dear stranger, you had a eight month dry patch, Me, not even a month.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"When was the last time you did it?"</span><br />He smirked, "Eight months."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Fuck! That's long!"</span><br />"You?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Two weeks.."</span><br />An uncomfortable, "Two weeks! I should be the one saying Two days!"<br />-100<br />I knew what he was thinking. Yet, the cheap ass that I am, I poked and asked.<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Why do you say that?"</span><br />"Cause I'm a guy!"<br />-1000000000000000000 <span style="font-style: italic;">Sorry stranger, you're points are in negative now. You lost too many too soon already.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"That is bloody chauvinistic of you!"</span><br />"Yes! The Male Chauvinistic Pig."<br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"Pig? You are a fucking asshole who will be getting no more sex from me, Asshole. Not just cause you're a chauvinist, also cause you ain't good, my love. Oh wait! Most chauvinists are bad in bed or is it the other way? The men who are bad in bed decide to become MCPs cause they have nothing else to keep their self esteem up?</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"</span><br />I smile, turn around and bury my face in the wall. Two feet away from him.<br /><br />10 minutes later...<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Do you have an ashtray?"</span><br />"No."<br />I stare at him in the dark. I am sure he could feel it.<br />"Its a no smoking room."<br />Okay. Calm down, L. Not like you care about him but where did the manners go?<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Oh! You're allergic?"</span><br />"No. The landlord is. He keeps his house smoke free."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I'm glad I don't live here."</span><br />I lay back in digress.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Like really? Are you fucking kidding me, asshole? Your landlord is fucking five floors down. Will never know and you are no ideal tenant otherwise I wouldn't be here. Right?"</span><br />Gosh! He just denied me my after sex smoke! WTF! No one ever does that! Grumpy face gets worst. Anger increases. Check the phone. Four more hours before its decent time for me to get out of this damn place. I NEED MY SMOKE. He does not even cuddle. Not that I am a cuddle-all-night-after-sex girl. I have a penis in my head, for heavens. Yet! Courtesy? Hello?<br /><br />Back to the wall.<br />Final calculation of his points.<br /><br />1) Picked up - +10.<br />2) Was gossiping with a friend on phone - -100.<br />3) Talks rudely with cops cause he thinks his job will get him through all the shit - -200.<br />4) Defends his fight saying 'Cops are assholes. They should know where they belong.' - <span style="font-style: italic;">'Err? Wha? What did you just say?' </span>-500.<br />5) Made the first move - +50.<br />6) Was too quick in the making out business (He took off my shirt in five minutes of kissing!) - -10.<br />7) Smelt great - +300.<br />8) Was particular about his cleanliness and the room's - +100.<br />9) When I say 'Go slow' I mean it. Instead being the 'Typical Indian Male' he thrust it in. - -10000.<br />10) Cock size - Normal - You don't gain any. You don't lose any.<br />11) Ate up my fucking right breast. Overdid it. - -50.<br />12) He made this weird grunt like sound sometimes - <span style="font-style: italic;">What are you? An Ass in disguise? Your cock does not suggest that.</span> -100.<br />13) Could not figure out the damn hole - <span style="font-style: italic;">Made me feel as if he was a Virgin. Clit is not a hole, Mr.! And ofcourse he was over confident about how he knows where he is going is right! I had to actually say this to him, <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"TC! My hole! I'd know better!"</span></span> - -100000.<br />14) DID NOT know the art of Seduction - -1000.<br />15) Hesitant about going down. Just used fingers. <span style="font-style: italic;">Did not even know how to do that. - What the fuck do you have a mouth for? Not like you are a great kisser! Oh! Wait! Why should he go down? Against the MCP guideline, man!</span> -10000000.<br />16) Refused, rather offended by the offer of changing positions - <span style="font-style: italic;">Its a man's job to be on top of a woman. A woman should know her place. Beneath the man! Isn't it, Mr. MCP?</span> - -100000.<br />17) Could not get the hole behind right too. - <span style="font-style: italic;">I helped but gave up after a point. Your ego will not accept you ain't getting this right, so no point. By now, I was like, Get done with this damn thing!</span> -10000000.<br />18) Eight months of no sex - -100 <span style="font-style: italic;">Yes. Now I am just pissed so just about anything will make him lose points.</span><br />19) <span style="font-style: italic;">Oh Shit! How could I forget this one!</span> Random bad Music in the Car - -100000000000.<br />20) Plays Basketball - +100. This is a generously added point just cause he lost too many. (See, I am nice.) <span style="font-weight: bold;">True Point - Came before me in the first round - -10000 </span><span style="font-style: italic;">How Typical of Men!</span><br /><br />PHEW!<br /><br />Believe me, I could come up with more negative points, but then I am being lenient. Also, these are leniently given points. I have rather been generous!<br /><br />That was my first One Night Stand with a complete stranger I met about two weeks back at a Pub and exchanged numbers in a drunken state. Finally met last night for a not so great night. There was NOTHING exciting about it. I hate G for this. I shall blame him for the rest of my life for spoiling me in bed. And RH for all the Romantic guy loving, caressing, playing with the hair and all that jazz after sex, even though it was just a One Night thing. He made me feel like such a girl. Special and Loved. G, you are an asshole for setting the damn sexual experience bar way too high. I am sorry, I am spoiled. A brat and bloody good in bed. And I know that!<br /><br />G = Catch!<br />RH = Small cock but made up with all that loving, sweet kisses and tender caresses.<br />TC = Thumbs down!<br /><br />Can not wait and have that long conversation with K and laugh my ass out with her over wine. Much needed.<br /><br />Conclusion, To be great in bed, you have to be a good person too. Being a chauvinist or proud of your position will only turn women off. Keep that in mind, men! ;)<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.<br /><br />P.S. - TC just makes me believe I have a cock in my head even more. Tell me I am wrong, my girls! ;)Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-27723684013590143712011-02-14T03:51:00.000-08:002011-02-14T04:39:40.792-08:00Out of Reach!<div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">Lately I've been hard to reach<br /></div><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;">I've been too long on my own<br />Everybody has their private world<br />Where they can be alone<br /><br />Are you calling me?<br />Are you trying to get through?<br />Are you reaching out for me?<br />I'm reaching out for you<br /><br />I'm just so fucking depressed<br />I just can't seem to get out this slump<br />If I could just get over this hump<br />But I need something to pull me out this dump<br /><br />I took my bruises, took my lumps<br />Fell down and I got right back up<br />But I need that spark to get psyched back up<br />And in order for me to pick the mic back up<br /><br />I don't know how or why or when<br />I ended up this position I'm in<br />I'm starting to feel <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">dissin</span>' again<br />So I decided just to pick this pen<br /><br />Up and try to make an attempt to vent<br />But I just can't admit<br />Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap<br />I need a new outlet<br /><br />And I know some <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">shit's</span> so hard to swallow<br />But I can't just sit back and wallow<br />In my own sorrow but I know one fact<br />I'll be one tough act to follow<br /><br />One tough act to follow<br />I'll be one tough act to follow<br />Here today, gone tomorrow<br />But you'd have to walk a thousand miles<br /><br />In my shoes, just to see<br />What it's like, to be me<br />I'll be you, let's trade shoes<br />Just to see what it'd be like<br /><br />To feel your pain, you feel mine<br />Go inside each others' minds<br />Just to see what we'd find<br />Look at shit through each others' eyes<br /><br />Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful<br />They can all get fucked, just stay true to you<br />So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful<br />They can all get fucked, just stay true to you<br /><br />I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Everything's</span> so tense and gloom<br />I almost feel like I gotta check<br />The temperature of the room<br /><br />Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me<br />And so I try to avoid any eye contact<br />'Cause if I do that then it opens the door<br />For conversation, like I want that<br /><br />I'm not looking for extra attention<br />I just wanna be just like you<br />Blend in with the rest of the room<br />Maybe just point me to the closest restroom<br /><br />I don't need no fucking man servant<br />Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass<br />Laugh at every single joke I crack<br />And half of 'em ain't even funny like<br /><br />Ha! Marshall you're so funny man<br />You should be a comedian, god damn!"<br />Unfortunately I am<br />I just hide behind the tears of a clown<br /><br />So why don't you all sit down<br />Listen to the tale I'm about to tell<br />Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes<br />And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles<br /><br />In my shoes, just to see<br />What it's like, to be me<br />I'll be you, let's trade shoes<br />[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/eminem-lyrics/beautiful-lyrics.html]<br />Just to see what it'd be like<br /><br />To feel your pain, you feel mine<br />Go inside each others minds<br />Just to see what we'd find<br />Look at shit through each others eyes<br /><br />Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful<br />They can all get fucked, just stay true to you<br />So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful<br />They can all get fucked, just stay true to you<br /><br />Nobody asked for life to deal us<br />With these bullshit hands we're dealt<br />We gotta take these cards ourselves<br />And flip 'em, don't expect no help<br /><br />Now I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">could've</span> either just sat on my ass<br />And pissed and moaned<br />Or take this situation in which I'm placed in<br />And get up and get my own<br /><br />I was never the type of kid<br />To wait by the door and pack his bags<br />I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed<br />For a dad to show up who never did<br /><br />I just wanted to fit in<br />Every single place, every school I went<br />I dreamed of being that cool kid<br />Even if it meant acting stupid<br /><br />And Edna always told me<br />Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that<br />Meanwhile I'm just standing there<br />Holding my tongue <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">tryna</span> talk like that<br /><br />'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole<br />At 8 years old<br />I learned my lesson then<br />'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more<br /><br />But I already told you my whole life story<br />Not just based on my description<br />'Cause where you see it, from where you're <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">sittin</span><br />It's probably 110% different<br /><br />I guess we would have to walk a mile<br />In each others shoes at least<br />What size you wear? I wear 10's<br />Let's see if you can fit your feet<br /><br />In my shoes, just to see<br />What it's like, to be me<br />I'll be you, let's trade shoes<br />Just to see what it'd be like<br /><br />To feel your pain, you feel mine<br />Go inside each others minds<br />Just to see what we'd find<br />Look at shit through each others eyes<br /><br />Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful<br />They can all get fucked just stay true to you<br />So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful<br />They can all get fucked just stay true to you<br /><br />So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful<br />They can all get fucked just stay true to you<br />So<br /><br />Lately I've been hard to reach<br />I've been too long on my own<br />Everybody has their private world<br />Where they can be alone<br /><br />Are you calling me?<br />Are you trying to get through?<br />Are you reaching out for me?<br />I'm reaching out for you<br /><br />Yeah, to my babies<br />Stay strong, daddy will be home soon<br /><br />And to the rest of the world<br />God gave you shoes to fit you<br />So put 'em on and wear 'em<br />Be yourself man, be proud of who you are<br />Even if it sounds corny<br />Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful<br /><br />- <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Eminem</span> - Beautiful<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">I just had to write a post today, even if it meant without will. Without will? Yes. I am no more in that 'love' zone. I am back in the 'I do not believe in love' zone of mine.<br /><br />I was out on a date day before with the guy who had been asking me out for the last six months now. Finally I agreed and went. There was nothing natural about it. I had to force myself to strike a conversation on phone, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">sms</span>, chat and not so much in person, thankfully, but I did not leave with a feeling. I could feel allot in common but it was just a meeting and back.<br /><br />I see people talking of love, losing, breaking hearts, being heart broken, being love struck, but by the end of the day it all seems so dramatic, just so made up. Nothing seems real. Everything so forced. So many of us want partners just because it is hard to see others holding someone lovingly and you have no one to. Is this real love? No. It has to be natural. I am still very conservative about such things. If it does not make you feel like leaving the world behind, it is not worth it. Which is why I love <a href="http://0f-the-girl.blogspot.com/">Dips</a>, honestly, the only woman I think who hangs on to true love and lives by it. She is my girl from old love lorn literature. Hugs!<br /><br />Love, today for me has become an over rated emotion. Too much chase, for what? For mostly feeling confused, finding nothing in it, rather letting it be because we think love will find its own route. I guess I am not even making sense, because I have just lost all my interest in that feeling called love, have no opinions about it too. Its just one of those things flashing on News Channels tickers 24*7, people love to discuss but have nothing discreet to say or do about it. Guess, I am just a wrong person for love, now.<br /><br />I have no option but to believe and I do without compulsion, 'I am not meant for relationships'. Life is so much more, but then, I see no point in anything. I almost feel dead. There just seem to be no emotions in me. No hurt. No love. No insecurity. No surety. Its all just a phase, but love has been lost. It may try to reach me, but I see it coming and then turn my back to it. I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">don't</span> even know what love really is. Its just weird. Lets just say, I will never admit to it. Since I was a kid, I have never admitted crushes and attractions even to the closest of my friends. Because I thought this was being made up by me. I never let myself lose enough to allow it to be natural. I probably have not grown up or the pattern was so repeated that it has become me, now.<br /><br />Forget about admitting, I do not feel it in me anymore. Not like, there maybe something on my mind which maybe taking up more space, but it just is not there. There is nothing in it. Love is lost. True love, for me does not exist. Relationships are selfish.<br />We want to be loved - Selfish.<br />We want a shoulder to cry on - Selfish.<br />We want to come home to a loving person - Selfish.<br />We want to be understood - Selfish.<br />We want to .... Blah!<br />And when we are too willing to give, we become Selfless and frustrated in the relationship.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">WTF</span> is this? I have forgotten all my lessons. I have no clue about this. And at this point of time in my life, I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">don't</span> want to. Its like that boring subject, you want to bunk all classes of.<br /><br />I do not want to fall in a love trap. I do not want to love. I do not want 'love' coming my way, even more. It makes me want to try and I hate putting so much effort in something that should be as natural as the growth of wild flowers is. Having said this, I am not losing all my hope. One day, it will come to me, and that day I will not know what I have but we will be 'in love' swinging on the seesaw of emotions, of selfishness and selflessness. We will never get bored. We will fly. We will come down. And the ride will be a beautiful one, one of ups and downs, one of freedom, content and LOVE.<br /><br />Dear Love, we will meet someday, hopefully. :)<br /><br />Happy Valentines Day!<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.<br /></div></div>Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-2568073609264922132010-12-31T11:56:00.001-08:002010-12-31T14:06:46.356-08:00In the Name of Love!Exactly 365 days back, at this very moment, G and I were making love to each other. We kissed at 12 at the deck as fancy ships sailed and firecrackers filled the sky. We stopped the moment we saw the first cracker go in the air. We knew it was 12. It was what we were here for. We turned. Held each other lovingly and kissed. It was the sweetest kiss of all times. It was my first 'New Year's Kiss'. The quite candle light dinner and the long walk on the deserted roads of Panjim had set the mood. We got to our room and kissed. A New Year Bang was obvious, but that is not what followed. We got into the blanket to get cosy and switched to 'Sex and the City'. Without any further guesses, I finished the movie for the third time now and he was fast asleep. He always looked so peaceful and innocent, like many of us do, while sleeping. I kissed his cheek and whispered Happy New Year! He kind of woke up and we kissed. It was not the '<i>I will enter you, as the new year enters'</i> thing as he joked, but a slightly delayed sex plan., which definitely was one of the most beautiful year beginnings I ever had (<i>ofcourse not just the sex but everything.</i>)<div><br /></div><div>And that probably is my last happy memory of the year gone by. After which came a phase. A phase that I still can not explain to people, but all I realized after that was that I just dont need anybody or anything. All I needed was something I couldnt find or even know till the last day of the year. That phase led to probably one of the most bizarre break ups anyone may have seen. A perfect relationship breaking on the basis of it being too perfect? A partner's niceness being tested to such heights? I messed up. I screwed up with G. Sometimes I think, maybe all this mess was self created or uncalled for, but then I realize, what looks clean on the surface may not necessarily be clear in all corners. And my hidden closets had opened and poured out all the mess.</div><div><br /></div><div>Amidst all this, I realized there was only one man I wanted to confide into. Only one man whom I wanted to pour my confusion out to. Probably I knew he would definitely hear or was it the comfort of a stranger you dont know that leads to such out pour? Or was it just this unknown beautiful friendship developing. Don't know about either, because what I did was something completely different. I would have never done that and probably will not repeat it too, but it was this LSL reader whom I began depending on. Meeting BG was rather natural, like meeting an old friend. People raised eyebrows, answered questions about his sudden appearance, to everyone around me. It was an awkward entrance in my life, according to others, since it happened just a few days after my break up. We met and all we spoke about was G and his stupid ex. We went on to become what we were meant to be, the greatest of friends. </div><div><br /></div><div>BG, is undoubtedly the best thing that happened to me in 2010. He was a good decision. I met his friends, he met mine. It all fell naturally and it was so nice. I dont think I am going to come across another man in my life who is going to be such a mirror image of mine, as he is, and yes BG, you bloody well admit that too. :P I was with him, what I have never been, not even with G or anyone else in my life. I was completely emotionally dependent on him. And I guess that is what flooded my Twitter account. There was that phase when I was cranky, irritated and annoyed to the core to realize I could fall for this LOSER of a friend of mine. I hated myself, but hated him even more for getting this out of me. He just knows me too well to not have gotten it, anyway, and that was the first and the last time we spoke about it. Today, he is about to get married!</div><div><br /></div><div>When I look back at this, I realized it was not 'falling' for him. It was just getting used to him. Just getting overtly dependent on him. It was the concern in his text during my pregnancy scare, it was the repeated 'we will take care of the situation' that calmed me down. It was indeed his stupidity that has helped me cope through the year in whatever little ways. I got screamed at by him for several things but this pregnancy scare was the worst of them all, the worst day of my life. It was nothing but the guilt of no protection.</div><div><br /></div><div>2010, the year of my first One Night Stand. A massive fight at home. A stressful time at work. A room full of friends during the worst time of the year led to a drunken LSL in a at least known man's arms. My Best friend K, decided to stay over for two days, which ended in 5 weeks with her brother, his girlfriend(s), her boyfriend, his friends and my poor annoyed flatmates. Even thinking about that time makes my head spin and drop my jaw in awe of self as to how did I handle it all. Because between all of this were the 5 most important weeks of my year. That stress was dealt with day in day out. Coming back home was relaxing because of K's love, but not exactly peaceful and enough to prepare me for the next stressful day. Ofcourse, coming back home also meant more stress in terms of 'household stress'. Issues between my flatmates and my friends, issues between my two flatmates, issues between my friend and her boyfriend, her brother, their friends. I was lost. It was the craziest time of my life, which all came out that one night when all that was piled on decided to be drank away. And I drank like a maniac only to be held by RH, K's boyfriend's sexy friend. He was your typical hot uniform guy, with a NICE VOICE. *screams* <i>(WTF? Its now when I look back at it, I realise he is hot. WTF was I thinking before that? His small cock?) </i>Well so, drunken yours truly is kissing this hot man on the dance floor and next thing I remember is us driving to his place. </div><div><br /></div><div>For some really odd reason, I remember K puking in his washroom, me settling her with her boyfriend and her drunken brother. I also remember RH and I moving to the balcony for a smoke and talking but I dont really remember the SEX PART! I know for sure it happened, cause I remember that feeling of having-sex-after-six-months-get-prepared-for it-to-hurt, and it just didnt cause it was THAT small. First One Night Stand and what a disappointment I swear! He was way better the next time when his 'thing' was not involved but yes some playing was. And strangely enough, I remember sleeping off immediately after the intercourse and he was trying to be all nice by cuddling and making conversation and I was SLEEP TALKING. The sweetest thing, he remember it all the next day and asked me about it and I gave him the weirdest look ever and just said 'Oh! I must have been sleep talking' and walked off. Gosh! Now, this sounds so bloody rude. But then, we met, spoke, messaged and flirted some times after that and then he sailed back. That was the end of the RH chapter.</div><div><br /></div><div>As for the main chapter, K, that RH was a part of, was not a good chapter. A Best friend, I wanted to marry. We knew we would make a wonderful lesbian couple, but staying together didnt work out for us. Not for me, at least. Its a different thing being in love, and a different thing to live together. While I sobbed for days fighting with G cause we were sometimes still dealing with the break up and sometimes the RH topic came up, I knew who picked my hand and took me for a drive and saw the disinterest in the person I needed the most. </div><div><br /></div><div>I did not see much of my family, hardly spoke to them, screwed up relationships in life, strengthened a few, identified some potential ones and remain confused about some. The year of ups and downs in all of my important relationships. The year when I not just swayed into the no-protection-one-night-stand territory (Bad Girl! *moves pointed finger*), but I got my FIRST BIKINI WAX too! *claps* IT FUCKING HURTS! And funnily, I have not had sex right after that. Considering I have had sex exactly TWICE in this year, its not that funny. But a bikini wax feels bloody good. Creams are out of the window, totally! Hope that did not get stolen? Yes! I am also dealing with a Kleptomaniac (I hope not!). </div><div><br /></div><div>I found some genuine care, some genuine love, allot of misunderstanding, allot of patience, tolerance and so much more. I discovered my limits. I discovered myself. I took care of myself. I brokedown a several times. Sometimes there were arms around, mostly it was just my pillow and quilt. On the surface, the year was horrid, but I know it, this was the best year of my life, probably! I noticeably grew as a person. I made mistakes like a human. I felt the need of love in my life, for the first time. For the first time, I moved beyond others and questioned, Do they also love me as much as I love them? I got to know people better. I got to know strange politics better. I learnt to stay calm in a storm. I learnt to weep alone without hugs. I learnt to live without my daily 'Big Hug! Big Kiss' from G. I grew stronger. My illusion of a happy independent life is out of the window. Now, I am just ready for whatever comes my way. I am ready to take on this world, the last time I said it, I crumpled, this time, I shall hold my God's hand and walk. Hopefully my blog may not be directly proportionate to my sex life, the dying sex life last year almost killed my blog and this year there maybe NO SEX AT ALL (WTF!? *shakes head*), hope that doesnt dry up the blog though.</div><div><br /></div><div>All I need is a smoke now. But Control and Balance shall be my resolution this year. Controlling my impulses and Balancing my emotion affected actions. Just want to learn to take it all with dignity and love. I shut my eyes tight and hold your hand, God, you are by the end of the day, my ONLY true love and there is nothing I can do without your love. Please continue to be there, right beside me, sticking to me, holding me like a lover who wouldnt let me go, this year too. If there is anyone who brushes my hair while I bury my face in my pillow, its you. I Love you, and this time I need you more than ever.</div><div><br /></div><div>Love 'n' Peace.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hugs.</div><div>Kisses.</div><div><br /></div><div>P.S. - Have a healthy and beautiful year! Hugs!</div>Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-34019467394186136202010-11-25T22:52:00.000-08:002010-11-26T01:13:33.231-08:00Stop. Think!There is this blog, partly anonymous, partly ignored and dearly close to my heart. For the past few months, I have been irregular, I have been scared. I have always taken this blog as my 'vent out' zone, no matter what the person visiting may feel or think. It is not my judgmental portal. But after some bouts of impulsive blog posts, I have started thinking before I write. I stop myself from writing certain things, probably because I don't want to face them or I don't want anyone else to face them. I have hurt and made some people smile through my posts, but now I prefer to stay quite, I think twice before I write, and I need to break through this. I need to be my LSL self, once again.<br /><br />But there is something about thinking twice, an age old proverb. Repeatedly reminded by elders, friends and colleagues. I do not know whether my friend and her parent's had heard of this from any of their well wishers. Or maybe they did and ignored, like many of us.<br /><br />My friend just got married. Being school friends, the entire group of 5 school besties, we were excited to be re united and laugh off the right prediction of her being the first one among all of us getting married. But behind those fake smiles and happiness, we were all worried, we were all mad at her, at her choice of the man she picked, like many of her previous boyfriends.<br /><br />SN is an adopted Kashmiri Muslim, adopted by a Hindu Bengali-Bihari pair of IAS parents. She always had a nanny, even when she visited any of our houses. Today too, her nanny accompanies her everywhere. Her parents have been extremely protective of her for all the right reasons. She has no mind of her own. She is easily influenced and can be an utter fool. She was never interested in academics. How she finished school was a surprise to all of us too. She went on to do random courses in Make up and Jewelery, just to pass her time. Eventually, her rich parents set up her Jewelery business, trough various exhibitions, etc., thanks to their contacts.<br /><br />Amidst all of this she did some stupid make up course, where she met MA, a hair dresser, and fell for him. He did not like her and was dating someone else at that point of time. He made his friend woe her and being the easily wooed sorts, she went out with him. He was well treated by her and received allot of expensive gifts in return of some attention, being her constant phone companion and adding a little 'fun' in her life. It was after this guy started showing off his amazingly convenient relationship with SN, that MA got jealous and threatened him to ditch her. And so he did. Only to break up with his girlfriend and hit on SN. SN got wooed within hours, again.<br /><br />SN's choice of men have always reminded us of those old Hindi movies where nothing but love mattered. Class, cast, cultural differences were just words, but nothing that held any meaning in this world of blinded love. Practicality was always out of question and conversation, with her. She never respected the wishes of her family and sound advices from friends. She preferred shunning these people out of her life and have them back as per her convenience. Whenever she fell in love, she found a new confidante, a new friend, cause the real ones tried stopping her. She dated some random Barista waiter, then some <span style="font-style: italic;">Churiwala</span> at a <span style="font-style: italic;">Mela</span>, then some other <span style="font-style: italic;">churiwala</span> in some thin lanes of an old city market.<br /><br />SN is a pretty and dumb girl, asked out by many young intelligent sons of other IAS, businessmen family friends, but she never seemed to like them. Always found flaws in them. Their arrogance, their flirtatiousness, their lineage, there was an excuse not to be wooed, also cause she already had her heart set on either of these <span style="font-style: italic;">churiwalas</span> and waiters. An issue we thought would get sorted as she grows up and her parent's find her a suitable boy. But none that you hope, happens.<br /><br />SN decided to marry MA. MA had fun with SN without any intentions of marrying her. SN had decided, he was the man she always wanted to be with. MA asked for sex, and she refused, only to bring back the old Hindi movie back in picture. She coaxed him into marrying her, and her parents who are still not happy with this decision of hers.<br /><br />They have set up a place for the couple, a salon-cum-jewelery store, hoping they will settle themselves in their respective careers. MA's seven uneducated unemployed brothers have been employed in that salon and has taken over her jewelery store as well. He disses SN's advices and decisions regarding their business, calling her too dumb for it and intends taking over the entire business on his own. He has already started to. SN's parents have got them a house too, where the couple will live with MA's first mom, while the second mom and father shall peacefully stay in MA's village.<br /><br />MA comes from a conservative uneducated Muslim family and SN, from a liberal educated Hindu one. This union is not about class differences and religious differences, but simply about the two ends they come from. It is about the difference in which they look at their relationship. SN is blinded by love and MA, by the convenience that has come with it for him and his family.<br /><br />As I sat beside her during her Nik'ah, my heart bled. Do the parents even know, whatever she is repeating after the Mullah, after her <span style="font-style: italic;">'Kabool Hai'</span>, was her conversion into a Muslim? No, they did not. And I did not have the heart to tell them, NOW, your daughter has successfully been converted without your knowledge. It is okay, only if they knew about it, but unfortunately they didn't. The father was refused to sign on her Nik'ah Nama (Muslim Marriage Certificate) because he is not a Muslim. Does it get worst than this? Yes. SN has already forgotten about what her parents have done for her and is totally unthankful, rude and her reply to every suggestion or word from her parents' is 'I am a married woman, now!'.<br /><br />Personally, it is beyond me and no one on this planet can expect respect from me if they have none for their parents. My heart sank deeper as I saw her running towards her now-husband, as her parents walked towards her to hug her, without even noticing them.<br /><br />Did she stop for a moment and think twice about her decision? About the circumstances that this decision will put her in? There is an absolute class, culture, religion, family, traditional change for her. Was she ready for it? Or was she only ready for a husband, who is clearly marrying her only for the material conveniences? The man and his family only agreed to this marriage after they had weighed down all that was coming with this inter religion union. But had she? Her parents did and they did try stopping her. We tried coaxing her into 'thinking twice', but for once, she was not easy to influence. She cried after her engagement over the sudden changes in MA. In the way he treated her, their business and the love that she thought they shared. She agreed on the fact that he might be with her only for what comes with her, not cause of her, and she still seems okay with it? She clearly has remained a fool in the years gone by.<br /><br />As loved ones, we can now, only pray for her well being and a happy married life. I, only hope that the love she married MA for, only grows between the two and no problem or unexpected issues come her way. May she adjust beautifully in this different world without any pressures, troubles and taunts. This is not the ideal family, her family must have imagined her being a part of, but this remains the truth for the rest of their lives.<br /><br />Nature has once again won over Nurture. Their years of protectiveness and upbringing could do nothing in front of the strength of her original origin. She is back in the kind of family, she probably came from. Being brought up in a certain way did not change a thing in her attitude or her interests or her thoughts.<br /><br />She is one example I don't want to look at when I suggest adoption to my sister. I'd rather be a surrogate mother to my sister's children. Something I have been thinking of very seriously. Something that I intend doing for her, if only I ever find a man to marry who feels and agrees to the same. My sister was never for adoption while I always pushed her for it, and now when she is considering it, I want to stop her, I want to tell her, she is not strong enough to endure the pain that SN's parents did. What if nurture fails in her case too? She'd rather have someone from the family than somebody completely unknown. Than somebody who would know it all her life that my sister is not her real mother and despite my sister being a mother, the child may not act like a daughter.<br /><br />We all need to stop and think twice before such big decisions. Adoption or Marriage is not a Blog Post, that one can rely on impulse. They are life changing decisions. They have to be thought over, they have to be weighed, they have to be calculated and studied. They need your full attention, they need you to be prepared with anything and everything unseen that comes with it. It is all a maze, you never know where you land up.<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-83210292435246469162010-11-09T06:20:00.000-08:002010-11-09T07:08:49.849-08:00And they lived 'Satisfied' ever after!There are no happy stories. Only illusions. What if you found out Cinderella's Prince cheated on her with one of her step sisters? What if the Little Mermaid missed her life under sea so much that she was always unhappy despite marrying the love of her life and living on land, as she always wanted? Would these stories really end with 'And they lived happily ever after'?<br /><br />I see people wanting to get laid. Unsatisfied in their marital sex lives. Sexual flings with colleagues/clients/bosses. Insecurity in relationships. Men and Women walking into hotels seperately, meeting in the same room. Leaving seperately at the gap of 10-15 minutes. People from the world thronging porn sites, releasing themselves in front of screens with men and women mating, you have no clue about. Mating with men and women you just met at the bar or the dance floor. Thronging sex chat sites, jerking off to some Miss sluttypussy or fingering for some Mr. BigBlackCock. All for, sexual pleasures and satisfaction. But, is there any, really?<br /><br />I log onto sex chat sites, for the fun of it. There is some stupid fun in seeing people pinging you 'Ill tear your husband's favorite thongs and pound that wet smooth pussy.' It is hilarious, really. Like, you have no clue who I am, I could tell you I am some Blondie from Amsterdam, who is married and fantasizes her son and you would have a hard on. Like, really? Are you serious when you say you want me to roleplay your daughter's friend on chat? Hah. Its funny. I have never gone beyond these two lines on any of these sites. They make for a hilarious time killer and an interesting study too.<br /><br />Thousands of lonely horny people, who want to get on top of you (men and women) just for releasing themselves. It is sad. It is weird when I hear of married couples cheating on their spouses. When I see friends having sex with their bosses for 'fun'. When I see men and women amidst a large group yet sharing this immense sexual tension. Trying so hard to seduce the other. Flirting with each other. The world is at it every second. Amelia had a good curiosity, how many people in this world are having an orgasm as I type this? We are sometimes worst than animals who are so desperately looking for sex. More than companionship, we are looking for some 'action', yet crying ourselves to sleep cause the bed is just full of your mess and cushions, but no arm to embrace you, no lips to kiss your forehead while you are asleep. Its funny to me. Its something I dont understand, yet am a part of it, in some ways.<br /><br />I see myself in either an unhappy marriage or unhappy being lonely n single. There is no medication for happiness. No solution. No reason big enough. Definitely nothing genuine to make you genuinely happy either. What are we all doing with our lives? Wasting in waiting, in some unbelievable hope? Or Moving on accepting the cynism and just treating sex as a daily need, like food. Sometimes you get great food and sometimes, distasteful. Has feeling Sexy replaced feeling Special? Has Lust taken over Love? Where is the love from our lives missing? Why do we like to believe we are the only ones who want a genuine partner and the other person in this world is incapable of giving us that? Why have we given up on relationships? On life? On love? On happiness? On content? Do they really exist or did they die the moment we all stepped out of our parents' homes. For me, it did. And for you?Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-19483272637910175742010-10-29T08:05:00.000-07:002010-10-29T09:31:31.624-07:00Bitching about Dogs!Some may find it weird and cheap but I love to sit on pathways, talking and observing people, occasionally, with my smoke. The world seems different and you seem more approachable to the world.<br /><br />Sitting doing my occasional thing with two of my girlfriends discussing family, pressures, friends, boyfriends, men, women, girlfriends over one smoke after another. Advising, Arguing, Laughing and Crying.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I think that guy is good looking."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Which one?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Wait. The girl is weird... Whats with good looking men taken by ugly... Oh Fuck!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 102, 255);">"What happened?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"The guy is ugghhly. He looked nice through the glasses of the store."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"And the girl is nice."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah. I Love what she is wearing."</span><br /><br />"All girl's have this problem", a random guy who almost stole my new lighter <span style="font-style: italic;">(he borrowed and was not returning. :P)</span>, talking over the phone.<br /><br />We burst into laughter like young teenagers, who find every random thing funny.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"I think he is having girlfriend troubles."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"I think he is breaking up."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Or maybe she is breaking up. He looks like he could cry."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"All men are the same. Cry babies who just can not move on."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Well... we did not ask for personal experience talking here."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Exactly PL."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Shut up RM."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"On second thoughts RM you have been talking to poor PL as if you have four boyfriends. Spare her your stupid invalid advices. You have no idea what she has been talking about for an hour."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Oh Puhleez! I am the one who had four boyfriends. So, I am more experienced."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"That does not show cause you apparently do not even know the importance of 'who hangs up first' in a fight."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Oh! You two have weird ideas about relationships."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Me hanging up first in a fight and he calling back is so cute."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"PL! You are in love."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"I don't know about that. But he is cute. Considerate."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"It was never really an issue with me, but yeah, it feels nice if the person calls you back and well you have hung up and thrown all the tantrums, yet are being pampered back. Ofcourse its special. G always called back. Sometimes I hung up just so he calls back."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Well, Once I did try hanging up but my phone got hung and the call could not end. So, I called him back from my landline and then banged the phone."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"See, so you did too."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Yeah. I guess."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"But I think he is very cute."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"PL! DATE HIM! What part of it do you not understand?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I can not date him over the phone, right? He will be back in December. I will meet him then and then talk to him face to face about it."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"PL, you guys are already informally dating. You two talk, flirt and even have lovers' fights."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Yeah, but I dont know. He is just too cute."</span><br />"We get the point, PL!", simultaneously.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"But dating him would mean losing allot of my friends."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Is it about ST?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"ST has been extremely moody ever since I told him about this guy."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Well, he is human. He has been wooing you for over a year now.<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"</span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"But I can not see him beyond a friend. He is just too sweet."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"So, if a guy is sweet he is not date-able and if he is cute he is totally worth it?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Yeah L. You got it!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"But then he will understand. He will get over it if you are good friends."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"He is a man RM. He wont!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Exactly."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Men are terrible at taking rejections and break ups. They just take it too harshly."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Look at ST, DV, PD, etc. etc. etc. (she really had a long list of good friends turned Romeos). They have all stopped talking to me after a while. I have only been losing friends this way."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Thankfully, I have been lucky that way."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"But I swear, if this guy does not work out. I am giving in and getting married."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Oops!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"How does it matter? You will anyway be married to someone from Doon, only."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Argh! I hate that bit."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Why? Whats with Doon?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"ST from Doon, this cute guy from Doon, DV from Doon, this other random guy I was being fixed with by my friends was also from Doon. Like Really!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"LOL! Take it or Leave it. You are destined to be married off to a Doon guy."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"I think I attract the wrong guys."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Its not about the city my love."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"It is! They all are so hung up! Something is wrong with Doon boys, I tell you."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Well, maybe you were some Doon Princess in your last life and all these men must have woed you but died in the process. :P."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"I don't know, L. Life is a mess."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Its not. Date the cute guy."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Yeah. I guess I will."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"You must! You are informally dating yet restricting yourselves from saying and doing things just cause you two are not 'dating' but are still behaving like a couple in other ways."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"Thats true. I do stop myself many times cause its not like..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"We are dating, but we are... You two will hang in the middle forever like this, then. JUST MEET HIM AND DATE!"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Okay! Let him come back!"</span><br /><br />After two hours of all kinds of crap.<br /><br />"Excuse me?"<br />Returning the Lighter.<br />"Thanks."<br />I smile. And then he sits beside me.<br />"I hope you all do not mind me joining you."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Errr....."</span><br />"Actually I just wanted to ask you one thing."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Sure?"</span><br />"Is it really easy for women to just break up without any reason."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"(WTF? Where did that come from?"</span>, all three faces said that.<br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"Umm... Well... Can not generalize, can we?"</span><br />"I was dating this girl for a year and now she calls and says she does not feel for me anymore."<br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">(Which part of that does not qualify as a reason?)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Umm... Maybe she has some issues she has not told you about or is going through a phase and will be fine in a while."</span><br />"If she had an issue she would have told me, for sure."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">(I do not like over confident boyfriends. Women love their men to guess but men... Sigh!)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Well, then talk to her about it."</span><br />"I did but she has no explanation."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">(She just said she does not feel for you anymore, Loser!)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Give it some time. If it works out, it works out. But if she still has no explanation then let it go. It will not work out. Accept it."</span><br />Almost crying, "Tch. How could she..?"<br />Looks back at us, "Anyway, I am so and so from <span style="font-weight: bold;">Doon</span>. You are?"<br />PL looks away.<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"L"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">"RM"</span><br />Waiting...<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"She is PL."</span><br />"Thanks for the help."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"TC. Bye."</span><br /><br />We both turn to PL and laugh our asses off.<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"This guy is not getting an explanation and that girl is getting no peace. Period."</span><br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-52806477834480381982010-10-02T22:19:00.000-07:002010-10-03T00:00:03.477-07:00Strangers on a TrainJust an hour left before my short break at Home finishes. I like visiting home even when no family member is there. It still is home and I feel relaxed. I decide to pamper myself with a steam bath before I leave and so I go for one, close to my house. My insides feeling drained and relaxed, my skin can breathe. As I stroll back home, I notice the Colony Park has been renovated and there are new swings. I can never hold myself when I see one. Guess it fulfills my wish to fly high in its own little way. And so I did.<br /><br />I picked up my pace slowly. My legs thrown in the air. My back curved. My head, now just looking at the dark clear sky, with shimmering dots that we call stars. The moon, I could not see, the barks of a big tree came in between. <span style="font-style: italic;">If you ever want to see me genuinely happy and smiling and laughing to myself, place me on a swing.</span> I laughed as I got higher. Kids who thought they were playing and having fun, looked at me and thought twice. The young boy talking to his girlfriend as he walked around the pathway, smiled in a I-am-Happy-to-see-you-Happy way. The kid next to me decided to compete on the swing with me, but I, I was just oblivious to it all. All, I could really see was that sky, I wanted to touch with my feet. All, I could feel was my heart floating, a smile that would substitute a silent laugh, the cool breeze filling my hair. Sigh! It was just the perfect end of a short sweet holiday at home, I thought.<br /><br />I was late, rushed to the station to catch my Train back to where I (do not) belong. I reach in time and settle. What I hate about Train traveling alone is other weird men traveling with you and ogling at you. I can not even run away anywhere. This time, it was different. I decided to settle myself and tuck in with a book before anyone else took their berths to avoid any kind of contact. I make my bed and leave to get a bottle of water, I come back to see this decent looking young man settling in. After settling he sits and does the usual passenger thing, talk endlessly on the phone, making calls to several people, talking about how he has been offered to perform in the South Asian Festival, how he needs to get back and finish designing the poster, etc., etc. <span style="font-style: italic;">(No. I was not eves dropping. You can hear when someone is sitting almost beside you.)</span><br /><br />Despite being engrossed in my book, my interest was divided. I thought many times as I flipped my pages to ask him what I was most curious about. About his profession. It was performing arts for sure, but which one? The train had started and the other four passengers who had to apparently join us in our section did not exist. Ours was the only section with only two berths taken, his and mine.<br /><br />Finally, I kept my book aside when he kept his BB aside.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Excuse me? Are you into theater?"</span><br />"Yes."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"From here or there?"</span><br />"Here."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Oh! What group, if I may ask?"</span><br />"Dadadada. Have you heard of it?"<span style="font-style: italic;"> (No, that is not the name. I am just playing my anonymous self. :P)</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Actually yes. Is it in association with xyz NGO."</span><br />"Yes."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"My friend runs that NGO."</span><br />"You mean TC is your friend?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes. TC and there was this other guy VS."</span><br />"Yeah. He has now moved abroad."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes. I am still in touch with him and TC is getting married next month."</span><br />"Yeah... Wow. Small World."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Indeed. Infact I remember I was once looking for theater artists for some work once and TC had made talk to somebody over the phone from probably your theater group itself."</span><br />"Are you LSL by any chance from xyz?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah."</span><br />"Now, I recognize you. You were there for these events too, right?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah. I was. Whoa!"</span><br />"You have now moved away?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah."</span><br /><br />And that was just the beginning. We spent hours discussing theater, literature, our fields of work, the limitations and aspirations. The entire train was asleep and our lights were all switched on. One thing led to another. We shared stories. Reviewed them, discussed them. Discussed works of others and our own. The conversation got intimate by the minute. We talked about personal problems, passions and wishes. Frustration, Hope, Love and Comfort, all mixed in that conversation of ours.<br /><br />"OMG! Its 3:00 am."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"What?"</span><br />"I did not even realize."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Same here. I guess we should goto sleep now."</span><br />"Yeah."<br />I smiled, <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Good Ni..."</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">He interrupted, "Do you smoke?"</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Err... Yes."</span><br />"Do you want to come out for a smoke?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Most definitely."</span><br />We talked some more as we lit our cigarettes. The conversation outside continued about arts and interests. We lit another one and then another, until we realized we should really be sleeping now. We moved back in.<br /><br />"I am actually a night person."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"So am I. It is hard to put myself to sleep in the night."</span><br /><br />And that was just the beggining of another conversation. Now, the lights had been switched off. We both were tucked in in our berths, with almost shut eyes and talking endlessly about just theater, about my interest in the same. About our writings, about cinema. He shared how he wanted to weave a story around something and we spent the night giving that concept a rough shape, making a story about the concept he had. He had narrated some six scripts he had worked upon, to me, now. I narrated some of mine too, but obviously my story telling lacked the theatrical expression he had.<br /><br />He performed, acted parts from the script he narrated. There was love for arts and theater pouring out of his body with every silent expression, with every word he spoke. I could marry him at that point of time just being mesmerized by his true love and focus for what he really wants to do in life. By now, we could see some light from the window.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Freak! Its morning. We must sleep a little before our train reaches our destination."</span><br />"Yeah. Good Night."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Good Night."</span><br /><br />We just lay looking out of our windows, knowing neither of us was sleeping or even remotely sleepy.<br /><br />"You know there was this script by so and so about... "<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"If you narrate me one more story, I will fall asleep."</span><br />"Uh Okay. I am sorry."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"No. I did not mean its boring. Its just so tempting to goto sleep when someone is narrating a story."</span><br />"Yes. It really is. In that case, you listen and you will probably get some sleep too that way."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Mmmm. No. I'll listen without going to sleep."</span><br />"Believe me its a nice story and you will love to sleep listening to it."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Uh. Okay. Thanks!"</span><br />"So, there was this...."<br /><br />His voice soft, his narration vivid. With just a smile sticking to my face, I do not remember when I slept. Next day, he woke me up because I was still sleeping and our station had arrived.<br /><br />"It was really nice meeting you."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Really. Same here."</span><br />"It is really nice to meet people with similar interests. I have friends but none who may like to talk about these things as such."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Hhhmmm. By the way, I am sorry about last night. The story was really so sweet that it put me in a slumber."</span><br />"Its okay. It was my pleasure."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"But I still have not heard the entire story."</span><br />"I noticed you went of to sleep, so I stopped mid way."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Did I start snoring, by any chance?"</span><br />"LOL. No."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Phew!"</span><br />"Whats your number? I'll inform you when we are performing here."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes, please do. I would love to come and see your work. Its ..... Just give me a missed call so I can have yours too."</span><br />"Got it?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah. I am sorry, I forgot to ask you your name?"</span><br />"BP. Nice meeting you. All the Best."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Nice meeting you too. All the Best to you for all your work and International festivals."</span><br />"Hope to see you soon. Bye."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Bye. Take Care."</span><br /><br />We walked out together till a point where we shook hands, bid farewell with a smile and turned in opposite directions.<br /><br />We have all dreamt of having long conversations with strangers you may never meet again but they remain on your mind for long, sometimes forever. I am glad it happened. It was random. It was strange. It was special, in its own way. It was only now, that my short sweet holiday was over. God had been kind. :-)<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-38154263263358081922010-09-09T14:24:00.000-07:002010-09-09T15:01:51.263-07:00Jump and FallThe World falls in two categories - One that is <i>in</i> Love and One that is <i>looking</i> for love. Who said Love was easy? Neither being in it nor looking for it. Specially, when ironically it surrounds you. We just fail to see it, always. And take the leap into the shallow side of the pool. Cause its just so safe to.<br /><br /><br />My friends are getting married. All of them together around the same time and the rest looking for the 'perfect' match. The one who will perfectly fit the family and who will be fun to be with too. By the end of the day, its all a matter of perspective. Its all about what you bring out of them. By the end of the day, is what you make of them and what they make of you. If its good, its meant to be. But then, who said rules apply? Who said making lists and ticking them off every time you meet someone for a date would make you love them. Its again just convenience. Its calculative (read Manipulative). Snap out of it!<br /><br /><br />I have made the mistake of mixing my logical reasoning mostly when it came to love, but then that is not love. Love is true when it takes over you completely. It takes over your life. In true Bollywood style, makes you sleepless, makes you smile and cry for no reason, makes you think of that special someone all day, every second (without exaggeration). Love is madness. It is maddening. You maybe aware or afraid of the consequences but how will you know whether you were right or it was just an assumption until you make the effort to find out. But no, we are too protective about our feelings. Just too scared to shed off each piece of emotion that makes us. That defines our true being. That we feel so deep within that we stay shut in our closets, layered in different emotional clothing. Believe me, the reason you feel hurt is because you are trying so hard to compress what is meant to be just OUT THERE. Something that maybe yours, but is for somebody else. Your heart is beating for you, but the moment you skip that beat cause of that someone, they have a right on that heart too. Go, give it off. What do we have to lose? What do we have to give anyway in this world, except love? The heart is not completely yours, anyway. Might as well offer it.<br /><br /><br />Believe you me, you will regret staring at the ceiling, lying on your death bed, not telling that someone you loved them. Even if it meant, loving them for just a day. You might lose the person, but your sweet memory will stay with them forever. You will eventually land in the place you desired. <span style="font-style: italic;">That</span> special space in her/his heart, after all.<br /><br /><br />Just take that leap. Afraid of falling? Dont be! Cause unless you fall, you will never be able to rise and walk again. And if you feel unable to get up, someone will come your way and pick you up. Just let them help you. DO NOT shut yourself. Your heart will only cry in pain more, for lack of chance to love again. For lack of feeling special again. For lack of sleeplessness, being occupied every second with the thought of just one person. It will yearn for more love for revival. It will cry only and only to you until you throw it in unexpected hands who plays with it, caresses it, teases it, touches it, kisses it and makes it smile again.<br /><br /><br />Just, Jump and Fall. Fall in Love. Love for the sake of humanity. Love, Let Love in, Let Love talk. Let it act all crazy. Keep your logical bullshit away from it. It is a free bird. Let it fly. Let it dive. Let it flutter. Let it fall. Let it catch its flight. Just Love, because that is what keeps us close to our real selves. Keeps us human.<br /><br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.<br /><br />With love, love and more endless unconditional mad free love.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-82451848513211563002010-08-24T07:51:00.000-07:002010-08-24T11:17:15.754-07:00Come Undone<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I've been waiting for you</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Signed, with a home tattoo,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Happy birthday to you was created for you</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Can't ever keep from falling apart</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">At the seams</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Can't I believe you're taking my heart</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">To pieces</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh, it'll take a little time,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Might take a little crime</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">To come undone now</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We'll try to stay blind</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">To the hope and fear outside</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Hey child, stay wilder than the wind</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And blow me in to cry</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who do you need, who do you love</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">When you come undone</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who do you need, who do you love</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">When you come undone</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Words, playing me deja vu</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Chill, is it something real</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Can't ever keep from falling apart</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">At the seams</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Can I believe you're taking my heart</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">To pieces</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">To come undone now</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We'll try to stay blind</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">To the hope and fear outside</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Hey child, stay wilder than the wind</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And blow me in to cry</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who do you need, who do you love</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">When you come undone</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who do you need, who do you love</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">When you come undone</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who do you need, who do you love</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">When you come undone...</span><br /></div><br /><br /><object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/m8zksSKb9Zg?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/m8zksSKb9Zg?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="480"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><br />A lit Cigarette. Craving for pot. An Overdose of Chocolates. And a Cluttered Mind<br /><br />"Hey"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"hey"</span><br />"What are you doing?"<br /><div style="text-align: left; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Nothing. Just fooling around."<br /></div>"As in?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"As in doing nothing. Just sitting. You tell me. Whats up?"</span><br />"Nothing...just back from work an hour ago. Hectic day at work. Finalized PPT."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Nice."</span><br />"To be honest and not beat around the bush - I'm feeling very horny and want to take you somewhere."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Hhhmm"</span><br />"Where do you wanna go?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"No where."</span><br />"What are you wearing?"<br /><br />And then I didn't reply. He did not ping again either. I guess G finally got the hint that I was not interested.<br /><br />All of this at the end of the day that had probably been one of my worst and guilt stricken, filled with anger. I had taken a Pregnancy Test in the morning. The night before that was sleepless and the pillows wet. I was not guilty of having unprotected sex with that random acquaintance as I was of having protected sex with G.<br /><br />I was made to feel so guilty about making out with that random acquaintance by G that I apologized for days for hurting him, which I did mean, but today when I look back at what happened in the past two months was totally uncalled for. That random guy came and left. No emotions involved. But when G happened last month, he came with a bag full of emotions. Emotions that were his and mine. I withheld. I did not want to disregard my treasure packed in that bag.<br /><br />We were meeting for the first time after our Break up. This was an important day cause I was now entering the 'uncomfortable zone', according to a friend. And just like it is hard for me to write further, it was equally hard to walk with him into the room instead of a public place to just 'talk things out'. I knew what I was getting into but with some senseless hope in me I walked with him that we will not end up the way we always had. But we did. I stopped myself. I stopped him. But I was now vulnerable. I could not think straight anymore. My entire emotional treasure in his bag had been thrown on me. I was loaded till my forehead. I could not see. I could not walk straight. I tried being careful but it didn't help. "We have done this before. This is not unusual for us, baby." Yes it was not if our emotions and relationships had not changed. I gave in, with just one thought in my mind. Maybe this will end it. Maybe this will make me guilt free of hurting him. Maybe he will get over me after the so called 'Break up sex'. Maybe he will forgive me for just walking out of his life. Maybe he will let me go. Maybe I will get over this pain. This guilt. Maybe the collision of thoughts will stop. Huh.<br /><br />I buried my face in the pillow like a cranky spoilt child. I took his hand and put it around me. I wanted a hug, not a cock. I wanted us to talk about us and not go back in our old days of 'us-dom'. He found me getting cranky like a child and wanting a hug funny. He laughed as I contemplated my decision of walking out of the room or staying in and giving this a shot as a shot to 'make up' to him for what I did to him. As I said, I really was not thinking. The thought was just just so stupid.<br /><br />We had sex. I stared at the wall in front of me as I lay on my stomach, feeling like a slut, as he pumped himself in. He went on to being his kinky self, "Whose whore are you, Miss Luscious Sealed Lips?" And I cried. I cried in pain that came from within. I stopped him. I could not take it anymore. Neither his cock nor the turmoil within. I locked myself in the rest room wanting to howl and kill myself for what I was doing. I walked out, without wanting to look at him and give a sweet kiss. I lit my cigarette. I sat. Tried talking about 'us' for just maybe five minutes. Looked at him and asked, "Do you like playing with my hair, G?" He looked at it. Placed his hand and said, "Of course." I smirked inside. We hugged. We kissed Goodbye.<br /><br />Friend messaged asking, "How did it go?", and I had no answer. But I knew, no matter what, this had done me more good than damage. I was not guilty anymore. I was not guilty of comparing him to that gentle random acquaintance who spent an entire night holding my hand tight and burying his face in my hair. I was not guilty of walking out of this relationship anymore. I was now more clear about what I wanted. About how kink was so not my thing. Of every time I gave into kink with him was never fun. It left me feeling like a slut as he called.<br /><br />Sex without wanting it bad, whether out of love or hormone, is not my thing. And if you think I will be your ever ready ex girlfriend-turned-fuck buddy, No! I am sorry. I do not know how to tell you this. But, no, you just would not understand the innumerable hints. Baby, I have loved you, genuinely. Please, I have reached the stage where I would cry in front of you and beg, Please let go of me. Please I really am not in the condition to give in to your wishes. I want you to be my sweet memory and a good friend, not your cute ex girlfriend who is still hot in bed with you.<br /><br />My heart sinks everyday in the night when I look up at my ceiling reviewing my life. I feel like a slut. You were not meant to make me feel this way, but if this is how it works, then so be it. I know you are not wrong at your end. I have not been strong enough to take a stand. I have not been direct with you. I should have given you a fair chance, I didn't. I have screwed up. Alot. I have messed up your life and mine. But now, I want to walk away. I want to run into a corner in the hills, pierce my heart and let it bleed. It would ache everyday. It would cry every night. But it would shed no tear.<br /><br />I want to cry. I want no shoulder. I want to jump off the cliff and let it out as I fall down. I want my body to float in thin air with no strings attached. I have fucked it up. I am at fault. I ruined it for G. I ruined myself. Walk away from me G before I do you any more damage. I can not forgive myself once again, for what I did to you, for what I am doing to you still, for what has become of me. Walk away for yourself. I do not want anybody. I know how to take care of myself. I will mess it up more than once, but I will learn.<br /><br />I do not know what I have said in the post above. It is a cluttered mind put on web. After seven discarded posts came a lit Cigarette. Craving for Pot. An Overdose of chocolates. And a Cluttered Post.<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.<br /><br />P.S. - I have had God's support and genuine prayers and support of friends, my test proved negative. :)Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-57218946138291198222010-07-03T08:03:00.000-07:002010-07-03T09:09:52.432-07:00Yes, I believe in Magic!Amidst a storm of bad days, relationships, each one of them, not even one spared from the curse, today I was left feeling different. My silences grew. Faking a bad mood has gradually become difficult, equally has the need for expressing it. I wrote posts over the past 45 days, not once but many times. Some complete and some not, but they never made me take my mouse click to 'Publish Post'. They had so much, all about the moods, the conversations, the events, some funny and some tragic, but they lacked the feeling I have after I write a post. I have never written for the heck of it. Hence, I would never post for the heck of it either. Be it my first time experience of a bikini wax or drunk making out with my best friend's boyfriend's best friend (yeah... long connection there). My honest confession to G about it and what came after that or terrible fuck ups with family, flat mates and friends. There was nothing bad in terms of relationships that has not happened all together in just a span of these 45 days. I am not over it. I am somehow, now accepting it in different ways. A little compromise. A little ignorance.<br /><br />All of this and then he called. He called and narrated an entire two day weekend plan. My first reaction was "Are you fucking mad? You think I am going to spend my entire weekend with YOU?" I did not mean to sound that way but I did not want to go ahead with this long plan either. But I don't know. I did. We caught up for the match, drinks, dinner, another match, drinks, all with his friends and mine, making it a huge group of over 10 people. It was fun. Slowly, I started liking my decision. We spent more time over the weekend. Talked. Remained silent. Had tea in silence over looking the sky. He remarked in the car as we were moving with his two friends for brunch, as planned, "I am assuming there will be a very intense post coming from you today." I made me usual 'What?' face. "You have been thinking too much today. You have been very silent." I had. I had allot on mind. About life, about a bitter conversation with mom and sister just a moment back, about my career, about relationships, about their meaning in my life, about the 'doormat syndrome' he talks about, about the inner peace that was calming all the puzzled thoughts dancing in my head, thanks to the view from his friend's pent house balcony.<br /><br />Throughout the weekend, the only two times I remember us 'talking', was him stopping me from smoking every time I would get up to go out for a smoke and a lame drunken sleepy weird conversation, after we had hit the bed, which I don't even remember. It doesn't matter because we can talk and be silent at the same time. Comfortable with everything. When we talk, our conversations begin from somewhere and end somewhere. They are very random and sensible, both at the same time. Its funny. We open up to each other like strangers do. It was pretty evident when I spent some three to four days, straight being online waiting for him because I wanted to talk about G and I knew, despite G being there, despite great friends, it was only he I wanted to speak to. It is something I never understood, and before I left for a one week break and my last night chance of catching him online, he finally did come and we spoke all night, about each other, about G, about me, about G and me. He gave me his number. I told him where I was. The disclosure came with forced hesitance but naturally it was all flowing. My anonymous Blogger ethics were stopping me but the real me was not.<br /><br />And that was just the beginning. Six months down the line, we have seen several movies together, hung out with each other's friends, had night stays and fights too. Today as he drove me back home, we admired the sky and sat silent. The weekend plan of watching Argentina v/s Germany had changed because he had to get home. I left too. I knew there was something. The silence was comfortable. His stupidity and drunken funny dance moves did not make the sophisticated me raise an eyebrow. His kinky jokes and random messages were not judged. There was a connection. There was what the movie we just came out of said "Magic". Yes, I like to pretend that I do not believe in it but secretly, I do. We know it for a fact that we share a connection. Something, that is not found in all relationships, mostly craved for and not found in the romantic ones. This is not a romantic relationship. This is just a relationship which would remain in my memory forever whether we remain in touch for that long or not. <br /><br />It is the connect you form with a person immediately and you know it will stay. Because, its a relationship built solely on that and has nothing else to offer or take. It is not what most call a step to fall in love. It is just plain connect. Some heroes find it in their bartenders and some heroines in that stranger old man sitting by the riverside. I just found it in a Blogger friend. <br /><br />Its comfortable. Its crazy. And its nothing romantic. Its not something all understand. Its what I call the <i><b>'MAGICAL CONNECTION'</b></i>. <br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-67701879038355988822010-05-15T08:55:00.000-07:002010-05-15T09:56:57.818-07:00My First!<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Happy Birthday."</span><br />"Thanks baby"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"So, What plans for tomorrow?"</span><br />"The regular. Office. Mom. Grand mom. Dinner with friends, if they remember to wish me."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Nice."</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We talk for a good one hour about here, there and everywhere.</span><br />"You know L, every time I get horny, its only you I think about."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Uuumm. Okay."</span><br />"Every time we did it on my bed. On my couch. In the kitchen. On your bed. In that room during our vacation."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And the list went on about all places we made out, kissed and were desperate to tear off each other's clothes.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Aaa. Yeah."</span><br />"How I wish you were here with me right now."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"No. I do not think that is a good idea."</span><br />"Its not like we have not done it before."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes, we have. But, this will just make things more complicated."</span><br />"Look, if you think, us having sex will make it all emotional for me. I assure you it will not. Its just casual sex. No strings attached."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Look, you have been into casual sex. I haven't. I don't think I can ever be comfortable with it."</span><br />"L, its me."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I know, it is you. Probably that is the reason why it is slightly more awkward."</span><br />"Do you want to do it?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes."</span><br />"Then you must know that this will not complicate things between us."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I just do not know."</span><br />"You have no idea how hard, your playing hard-to-get has gotten me right now."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Uumm. Okay... Maybe we should end this conversation here."</span><br />"Don't tell me you are not turned on right now."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Long time relationships make you feel like a fool. The other person knows you bloody too well.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes. I am."</span><br />"What are you wearing?"<br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">And that was it. We had phone sex after, I guess five months.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Fuck! This was my first time."</span><br />"You liked it?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I don't know. I.. I just had my first casual sex."</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(Yes. PHONE SEX COUNTS!)</span><br />"LOL."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"HAPPY BIRTHDAY G!"</span><br />"Thank you, my love."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Fuck! This was fucking good."</span><br />"Told you."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We talked a little more about here, there and everywhere.</span><br />"Good Night baby."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Good Night Birthday Boy. Big Hug! Big Kiss!."</span><br />"Right back at you."<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />After 10 minutes, I pick up my phone again.<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"What was this? Birthday Sex or Break-up Sex?"</span><br />Beep. Beep.<br />"Break-up Sex has a sense of finality to things."<br />I smiled. Curled. Slept.<br /><br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 51, 0);">P.S. - His Birthday month and I get a present too. </span><a style="color: rgb(0, 51, 0);" href="http://kitschy-life.blogspot.com/">Ms. R</a><span style="color: rgb(0, 51, 0);"> bestowed upon me the 'Cherry on Top Award.' Thank you, sweetheart. :)</span>Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-58054135210615918732010-04-22T12:00:00.000-07:002010-04-22T13:33:47.333-07:00Winds of Change<div style="text-align: center;">I know that the bridges that I've burned<br />Along the way<br />Have left me with these walls and these scars<br />That won't go away<br />And opening up, has always been the hardest thing<br />Until you came<br /><br />[Chorus]<br />So lay here, beside me, just hold me, and don't let go<br />This feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known<br />And I just can't take my eyes off you<br />And I just can't take my eyes off you<br /><br />I love when you tell me that I'm pretty<br />When I just wake up<br />And I love how you tease me when I'm moody<br />But it's never too much<br />I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all<br />You climbed my walls<br /><br />So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go<br />This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known<br />And I just can't take my eyes off you<br />And I just can't take my eyes off you<br /><br />Off you<br />Off you<br /><br />So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go<br />And oh this feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known<br />And I just can't take my eyes off you<br />And I just can't take my eyes off you<br /></div><br />Almost a year back, when I shifted here, I came because I was done living in my hometown. I thought i had almost exhausted all possibilities for my career and it was great. Now, it was time to grow more, get to a bigger city, make it bigger, live a bigger life, a new one, with new experiences, new people. I will not say I was not prepared for what I was stepping into. I knew the place, I knew how the people are going to be like, I knew it was not going to be easy for me and I knew, I might change too.<br /><br />I am mostly typical. My attitude is repetitive when put in similar situations. Every time I am in a new space, I am usually very quiet and shy. I find it hard to be all free, hyper and jumping, like my real self. I come across as formal and arrogant. G thought I gave him attitude too in our first conversation. But I do open up slowly, always. I am not anonymous to all my readers too. One found out, one I opened up to. As much as I may stop myself from trusting people, I just give in. I just open up and end up feeling weak as a person because a closed person always for some reason feels more secure about their secrets, an open person can not. At least, I do not. I feel helplessly weak. I feel like I have been robbed off all that is mine, off all the truth that belongs to me, that is mine. I have shared it, and now it is gone. But that is not all. What is worst is when you want to be yourself but can not. Not because some one's judgement about you is stopping you. But being the real you is making you weak. When your weakness is not the truth about you but the true you.<br /><br />I know I have changed. I can see it. Feel it. Conscience about it. Dont like it. Yet letting it happen to me. I have done, said things i should not have but I did because they were important. Because I had to stand up for myself. Sometimes, actually mostly, standing up for self meant stooping down but that was the game and to survive, you have to play it dirty. I have never liked the people in this city. I have never liked the city. I find it hard to be like them. To adjust to their ways. Worst, people migrating here, become like them. Now, I understand why. Survival.<br /><br />To survive, I have made my conscience change too now. Harsh words. Abuses. Rudeness. Shrewdness. Defending self with rude remarks on others. Things i have never known. Things i have never done. Things I do now. <i>Just</i> to survive. <i>Just</i> so I do not remain your punching bag and the butt of all your jokes, your source of entertainment, your simple innocent one who can be used and abused because I say nothing. I would not react to all this because initially I would be shocked at such a behaviour, with time, I did not say anything because I would find it hard to come down to your level. You would push me and I would go down deeper and deeper till I got suffocated. Till I could not breath. Till I re started thinking my decision. Till I sobbed for days in my pillow. Till you made me angry. Till your words pulled me up again, only to put me down to your level. And I did. My simple background. My simple upbringing. My manners. My endurance went for a toss. I am now, one of you. I locked myself in a room, thought for over two months about you. About how you treated me. About how my silence and patience with you became my dumbness and my stupidity. About how I was just another new girl in your city who needed to become one of you to get a visa to stay in your city. And I did. Now, you will not say much to me because initially I shocked you with my unexpected rude replies, as you did to me. Now you will not ridicule me, because now you are getting used to my snarky direct remarks on your flaws. Now you will compliment me even on the worst of my clothes because I might just turn around and snap back at you. Now, I am one of you, so you will not treat me like shit. Now, you will trust me because now even the thought of trusting my patience with you and your god damned city is dead. I smirk at your foolish change that you have to bring every time a new person becomes one of you. Hah. You are one useless piece of shit who will never know simplicity. Who will never know the true world because you are so complex ed. Because you can not trust the real people. But the clever ones will recognise the real balls and come to you. Now, I laugh till I sob myself to sleep because you are the butt of all my jokes. You are not my punching bag, but my boxing glove. You are just so shallow. You may have forced me to change but I never will at heart. I may have become one of you, but I can never be you. You are not a bad person but can make somebody a bad person by forcing them to change. How many of us do actually know how much to change and why, afterall? <b>Thank God</b>, I do.<br /><br />And you thought I was having it easy here. And you thought I was having fun. Enjoying what I want to do. Enjoying the new 'friends'. Living a life I wanted to? Hah. I am having anything but fun. This is just an experience. An experience i analyze everytime i am alone. When you were there with me, even if it was just our short conversation on phone, I knew i had somebody who kept me close to the real me. You kept me so close to my true self that you made me weak. You made it harder for me to survive in this shithole with these loose tummy asses. I had to let go of you so that I could let go off my true self, even if it meant just on the surface. I tried looking for people around me to find my true self, but no one will ever know the true me the way you have known. The way you have touched the true me. Yes, it was about me. But if it was not this, then I would die. I surely would have. Just to survive, i not only changed myself, but my relationship with you. I had to detach myself from me, from you, who was a part of me. It was never easy. It still is not. Believing in fairy tales is becoming harder by the day. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is about 'us'. It is always 'you' and 'me'. It will never be 'us' again. It will never be 'me' for me, again. I have let you go just to get rid of the true me. I have lost more than I thought. Lost more than planned. Lost you. Lost me. Lost us. <br /><br />Climbing these walls is hard. Slippery. I am being pulled down, but I will fight day and night with the asses just to survive with the hope that this survival will not be pointless by the end of it. This fight I will win one day and be my true self again, even if that means, being alone. Not like, I am not lonely, now. Your departure from my life may have made my fight easier but tolerating the smell of the shithole is still tough. Your smell helped me survive, but I guess that was not enough and that is why we are where we are. My fingers stop to type 'I Love You' here. I have to fight to write these simple words too. It's not that simple, baby. It's not. It just isn't. No. <br /><br /><object width="500" height="405"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-sMw6E8EgcI&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-sMw6E8EgcI&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="500" height="405"></embed></object>Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-79873774945714505352010-03-25T07:48:00.000-07:002010-03-25T09:27:32.706-07:00Nerver Been Kissed."Someone once told me. To write well, you have to write what you know. And this is what I know."<br /><br />This was to be written a week back but when I did start writing I ended up writing something I did not wish to write about. Or maybe something that did not make me feel too good once I wrote it, thus I never published it. But, after having watched the movie, I am re writing the whole post. I am guessing the way I have wanted to.<br /><br />Just when Drew Barrymore threw her mic down on the Baseball field, my flatmate1 walked into the room and asked me to lock the door. She was leaving for a movie with her live-in boyfriend. About an hour before she left, my other flatmate2 left to be with her boyfriend for two days because she is taking an off, and even though her boyfriend is going to be busy, she plans to just sit beside him and probably chat with me online to kill her time. And, her boyfriend does the same. Comes over every weekend he is free, even when she is not and stays up all night playing Mafia Wars just to wake her up at an odd hour for her to complete the work or to see if her back pain is giving her trouble in her sleep. <i>Yes, I often hear 'voices' too. But, they are mostly of they whispering or her boyfriend snoring. I guess they are pretty careful. Also, their good luck is that I sleep very sound and mostly early too.</i> <br /><br />The first two months of staying with Flatmate2, I kept convincing her about dating the guy she is. I always saw this beautiful connection between the two, and RM and I would always convince her and tell her how beautiful it is to be in a relationship. She started dating him just six months ago, just when RM broke up with her guy and now I broke up with mine. The funny thing is RM and I love having our <i>'Singleton is bliss'</i> conversation and ignore my flatmate when she has a thing to say to us. Why? Probably because we <i>already</i> know how beautiful it is to be in a real relationship.<br /><br />But I disagree. Honestly, I do not feel as if I have been in a real relationship. It is, more like, having an online or tele soul mate. I have been in two relationships so far. One that went for a good long four years with him sitting in the neighbouring country, visiting India, yet not my city. Hence, we NEVER met during our courtship period. We met just last year, when I went to his country, his city. We hugged and that was the end of our physical relationship. When G happened about two years back. I was not even thinking of being in a relationship. I was losing weight at I don't know what speed and was feeling great about myself. I had guys starting to hit on me. Honestly, the last time I really had guys hit on me was junior school. <i>:P</i> Even though the flirting was happening, I remember going on two dates as well, while I was talking to G and we discussed my miserable dates with these guys who would talk of how I made them feel that I hate men. <i>Well, to a certain extent they were pretty right. In fact, if i met a two three more of their kinds, they would be hated for knowing me so well.</i> G mailed one night, dropping his number because he would not be online and would like to talk to me. I smiled. Felt itchy. It was funny. I felt he was interested in me, but giving me your number puts me off. I like to take my time. I enjoyed talking to him but I did not know if I missed talking to him. Also, giving my number to an online friend whose blog makes me go weak in the knees or makes me roll on the floor with laughter, was something I would not do. Hence, I mailed back a polite short mail telling him "as for d call thing... im not too sure... so... until i den... v hav gtalk :) yay!! :D<br /><br />c ya soon!! hav fun wt ur friend :)<br /><br />tc..." <i>I had to go through some 500 mails to copy paste it for you guys. :P</i> And that was that, <i>only</i> for the next one week, until I broke my specs and could not see a thing on my computer screen. I vanished for about three days, but we mailed each other. Sometimes twice a day. Until, I messaged him one night and <i>(like an asshole)</i> he replied after 20 minutes. We got messaging. Then came the call. And the calls increased in duration and number by the day. The I-Like-You began. And at 5 a.m. in the morning, one day, out of nowhere we said 'I Love you'. It took just that one line for me to wake up next to K and break to her that I am going to have my <i><b>first real relationship.</i></b> We were excited. We jumped. She hugged. And, that was it. We were 'in a relationship'. In no time, we began discussing how he was going to propose to me for marriage and how we would have multi talented, multi ethnic children. It felt great. I honestly felt that I have never been this comfortable talking to any man in my life. Not even my best friend, AJ. It was beautiful. <br /><br />Two months later, he managed to get a three day weekend and took a train without any reservation and travelled 50 hours just to see me for 10 hours. Something I would never allow myself to do, but I seemed to have broken all my rules when it came to G. I check into a hotel with him so that we can spend our 10 hours in peace and private. I knew today was the day I was going to get <b>MY FIRST KISS</b>, only this time I could not imagine it. Every time before that, I could always imagine different kinds, different places with different men, my first kiss. But this time, I knew it was coming, but how?<br /><br />I was sitting on the chair and he on the bed. We sat and talked for about 5 minutes until he asked me to come over and sit beside him. I did. I was feeling shy and weird. It was my first time, like this. I was sitting with this guy for the first time and he was <i>my 'first real boyfriend', whom I am going to kiss in sometime!</i> He asked me to come closer. I moved an inch. We had our hands clasped and just when I was looking at the hands, I do not know what happened, but we were kissing. It took me about 20 seconds to talk to myself and make myself realise that <i>this</i> is a kiss. 'Kiss back', said my mind, next. And when I did, our clothes were off in fifteen minutes. No, we did not have sex. I was for some reason not comfortable getting my panties off. But, he came in front of me. <i>(Something, that would qualify as weird in my dictionary, now. Why? What? What exactly were we thinking?)</i> We made out some more and left for lunch. He talked me into sex over lunch and we bought a pack of condoms before getting into the room again.<br /><br />We kissed. We made out. We got our clothes off, but he could not get an erection and I could not find my fucking hole! <i>Now, when I look back at it, I find this hilarious and set out a sigh of relief. I am glad I did not have my first sex the day I got my first kiss.</i><br /><br />But yes, I do regret having made out to that level or to any level for that matter. It was great. But, the <i>first kiss</i> just got lost somewhere. It was not meant to be that way. It was not meant to be in a hotel room. It was not meant to be without a moment of silence. Without facing each other. With breathing so heavily that you can actually feel each other's chests going in and out. Without having to look into each other's eyes and slowly lean towards each other. Slowly close your eyes and gently feel the lips settling on yours before you start kissing.<br /><br />I really have no idea about how men imagine their first kisses, but for women, or girls for that matter, first kiss <i>is</i> a big deal. It always was for me too, until it just vanished in the making out and the stupid embarrassing two bra episode. <i>Oh Fuck! I did not just write this. FUCK! What am I? On a spree of letting all my darkest secrets out to you guys? Okay, first the defence, I was not expecting us to make out. Or rather I was more excited about wearing that dress than the two bras. Yes! (hides her face with her hands and howls) I wore two fucking bras the first time I met G. Look! I could not help it. I was wearing a grey shirt and I could not find my 'proper' grey bra. So I wear my 'proper' black bra and then put on this other gray bra which was slightly lose, just so the other color bra does not show. Oh! Whatever. Argh. Now, you know it. Stop laughing! Argh. Argh. Argh.</i><br /><br />Anyway, coming back to the point. Bang! <i>Hits you straight on the head with the big fat book in front of me. Yes you! Come back to the main post and stop imagining and laughing at it. Huh.</i> Yeah. So, the point being the <b>first kiss</b>.<br /><br />G is an excellent kisser. Any of you girls who want to hook up with G now, will be lucky. He is an amazing kisser and fucking hot in bed. I doubt I am going to find anyone better than him in bed. ;) <i>(How I hope I do, though ;))</i> Even when I did it with him for the first time. That was when I went to visit him for three days. The sex grew to be great. The first was painful. Your hole takes eternity to open up, especially when your first is about 7-8 inches, it is not even funny. But, what about my first kiss. G and I have had some beautiful kisses. Like, in the rain on a lonely bridge in the darkness of the night. Like, the secret stealthily kisses on the ferry. Like the long kiss in bed after sex. Like the recent kiss on New Year's Eve on the pathway, with the sea in front, beautifully decorated and lighted ships and ferries far away in the middle of the sea and fireworks in the background. But, those were not my 'first kiss'. <br /><br />I am still waiting for it. When I had called up K after my first kiss to tell her about it. She said I was like the girl from 'Never Been Kissed', who took so long to get her first kiss. But K, I am still that Drew Barrymore who was the fat geek in school, yet popular and loved. I am that Drew Barrymore who is still fat but hopes to get her <b>FIRST REAL KISS</b> and pop her leg up or cry and laugh at the same time when she kisses.<br /><br />Now, as I write the last line of my post. I will look around the fridge to eat something. Clean my room. Put on a new pink bed sheet and lie down with my book, alone because I have long hard day tomorrow, which will lead to an extremely relaxing weekend which I have not had in a long time. The weekend plan only involves my school close friend's engagement to attend. But coming back alone, knowing, I will not have somebody to come back to and creep into my bed just to put my head on his shoulders, get a kiss on my forehead and hear a soft 'Good Night' as he caresses me in his arms. Knowing when I wake up and want to laze in bed and just watch TV or movies with food on bed, I will have no one to cuddle with in my blanket. Knowing when I just want to read, I will not have a lap to rest my head on while he does his own thing. Knowing every time I have a hard day, I will not have supportive quick kisses to calm me down. Knowing when I am too happy, I will not be getting any tight long hugs. Knowing I am not getting a beautiful special kiss which is <i>just</i> meant to be a kiss for a very very long time. Till then, I will be the girl who has 'Never Been Kissed', still fantasizing about her perfect first kiss.<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-35398174803129053792010-03-23T22:22:00.000-07:002010-03-23T23:52:36.181-07:00When the teenager inside you does not grow up!Word of caution - This is going to be creepy!<br /><br />What I talk about today is according to me the creepiest thing ever. You may judge hate whatever me. But this, my friend is the truth. And the only truth I have NEVER EVER EVER spoken about to ANYBODY. This is MY secret. <br />*****************************************************************<br /><br />For the first time, at 15, I try curling my hair for a cousin's wedding. With my bunch of cousins we reach the venue and I immediately see him sitting beside the groom. My other cousin comes running to tell me how cute 'that guy' beside the groom is. In the next 15 minutes, she had managed to take all the information out and find out his name and place as well. A little later, I have my superly social mother call me and introduce me to some random people including 'that guy's' mum and 'that guy' and his brother. And just when I am done exchanging pleasantries with 'that guy's' mum and turn to say Hi to 'that guy', I notice a bunch of my other overtly excited teenage cousins nudging me and smiling at him. I still remember how awkward that moment was, and you could see 'that guy' loving every inch of it. He <i>knew</i> that all that attention was coming for him and began some random cute conversation with his brother, aloud. To be honest, I found the mom quite a snob. And 'that guy', dumb. <br /><br />For the next whatever number of days my cousin was living with me, she would only rant about him. She in fact, got a key chain made of his name. Can you beat that!?! She was always crazy. Now, she is married to her Internet boyfriend.<br /><br />After about a year or two, I see a familiar face looking back at me in the same way, at some random wedding. <i>Thanks to my overtly social mother.</i> And the round of hellos and hugging follow to fat aunties, sweet uncles, decked up girls and shy boys. My mother sends me to get her a glass of water and I come back to another random aunty and uncle, she is talking to. Once again, I am introduced to that 'snob aunty'. Wow. So, the face that that gave me i-am-familiar-with-you smile at the water cooler was 'THAT GUY'. Yes, he looked cute. He was cute after all, but he has a very very funny nose. The 'snob aunty' was a bitch. She introduced me to her husband as my mother's FUCKING SISTER, and then, "Oh! Sorry, Daughter." I could have punched her in the face. Just because I am fat and my face looks beaten up right now, does not mean I am 40! You fucking pretentious whore! I turn around and 'that guy' and I look at each other <i>again</i>. I sensed some stupid connection. And it felt nice.<br /><br />After some months, I was chatting with my superly excited cousin. She had apparently gotten over him. Told her how I saw him at that wedding. She thought I had a thing for him too. I denied. It was not a complete lie, I would say. I did not crush for him. But, there was <i>something</i>. The kind of feeling you get when you think, this thing is more than just looking at each other at random weddings. <br /><br />Then, after some years, came orkut. On a boring late night, I looked up for him. It was strange how I still remembered his name. I saw he had a blog. Checked it out and commented on it. From then on, we shared comments on each others' blogs. I knew whose blog I was commenting on. I don't think he did. We had our arguments. We had our agreements on our blogs. It tells you more about a person's mind. Then too, I never fell for him or felt attracted. Gradually, I stopped blogging and so did he. The comments stopped. The only direct connection with him was broken.<br /><br />Some years later came Facebook and I noticed him on my cousin's husband's list. The first wedding where we had met. I check out his profile and find him in a different continent. He is in the same field as I am. This did interest me. Lucky me, he never had privacy settings. I could see all his wall posts and know not much but, vaguely about him and his life. In between, I meet my cousin and her husband with my mother. Over the years my mother and the 'snob aunty' have become friends. And my mum seems to be enquiring about 'that guy's' marriage. Yes, my mom is quite a match fixer too. She is always getting someone married. I guess, this comes from her being so overtly social and also being liked and trusted. <i>I am a proud daughter of my mother.</i><br /><br />I come back home and check his profile again. I do that for some one week and tadah! He is coming back to India. <i>He he he. His wall posts told me that. ;)</i> I also sort of found out that he is probably shifting back. Not too sure of that. Also, through his posts, I almost found that he has a girl fried or had and who she was/is. I cursed her. Prayed to God to conspire and make him meet me this time properly so that we become friends.<br /><br />Gosh. After all this, I feel like a stalker. And for what? What the hell was I cursing/praying for? NO. I am not attracted to this man. I am NOT crushing on him. I am NOT in love with him. I am NOT... argh. What is <i><b>it</i></b>? It is confusing. Frustrating. Annoying. Fun. Gives me stupid teenage kick. Makes me giggle at myself. Makes me feel like a stalker, yes! <b>WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?</b><br /><br />Okay. I have an answer. Of all the people from my 'community', he is the one who so far fits my comfort the most, which makes him more 'marriageable' to me, according to me. He is from my community. <i>Yes, such is my love for my mother that as my age increases, this thing is being drilled into me like crazy.</i> We belong to the same field of work. He drinks. <i>Yes. He gets a bonus point here.</i> He is decent looking, except for the nose. The nose is HUGE n WEIRD. It almost covers his face. He has a younger brother who looks like, he will be allot of fun to have a brother-in-law as. <i>LOL @ myself</i>. And, the mothers know each other. <i>Though I doubt she will like me. Stupid Snob Aunty. Actually, for that matter, if I am having an arranged marriage I doubt any of these dominating 40-50 year old women would like me for their sons. They might just accept me because of my mom. Everyone loves my mom. *Proud of you mommy. How do you do this?*</i><br /><br />So, I have been contemplating of re starting my blog and leave a comment on his blog to start a conversation once again. Sounds weird to me too. I am scaring myself. I feel psychotic after saying this, because I am stalking someone without a reason. Wow! What a brilliant time pass to have for almost a decade now. Gosh. I have no idea what I will do. And I definitely have no idea what plans does God have. But, it is this feeling inside of me that says, we will meet again. I <i>just know it</i> inside of me. This feeling is bloody strong, which is why I get restless and do whatever stalking I have done. There is something. What? Time will tell. And if it is 'nothing'. I will laugh it off because all said and done. 'That guy' makes me feel like a superly excited teenager crushing on the guy in the class opposite hers. It is fun not knowing him yet finding out about him. Not being attracted to him yet praying to meet him. Not knowing what this connection, this feeling is, but believing in it. He <i>does</i> make my life exciting. ;)<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-51513930392927909842010-03-07T01:40:00.001-08:002010-03-07T02:43:47.626-08:00Tik Tok on the Clock! But the part don't Stop!My status message, <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Why is same sex marriage not legal in this country? I would be so much happier spending my entire life with the love of my life, K. Gosh... Distance is really making the heart grow fonder. *Sigh*"</span><br /><br />Her reply, "Oh my God! I want you, NOW! You surprise me time and again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you."<br /><br />Her status message, "Wants L. Her laughter, smile, tears, love mean the world to K. Marry me L."<br /><br />My reply, <span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I Do. (Background - And I now pronounce you woman and wife. You both may now kiss.) </span><b style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">*SMMMOOOOOCCCHHHIIIEEE*</b>"<br /><br />I call. She answers.<br />"I Do."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I Do too."</span><br />We burst into what I would call a <i>fit</i> of laughter.<br />"Gosh L. We must really get married."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I swear. We would never get bored of each other. Have so much fun together. And be like the best couple ever."</span><br />'Men are very boring anyway."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Also, you know I can not stay with one man all my life."</span><br />"Nor can I. We must seriously get married."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I was so desperately calling you last night."</span><br />"Sorry baby. I was asleep. It was 3 when you called."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"LOL. Yeah. But guess what?"</span><br />"What?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I was talking to HK last night and we got all so when are you coming to this place and stuff and he was like I am coming soon. My girlfriend is there. IMAGINE!!! My heart broke into pieces. I have been crushing on this fool since SCHOOL. I feel like such a loser. It is like donkey years. When would I get over him?"</span><br />"LOL. Who?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Some really ugly chick from our school itself. IMAGINE! I mean if he really had to date our school junior, I was fucking there!"</span><br />"I think you should tell him."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Well, last night I was just so fucking bored that i thought I will finally tell him about this crush that I have had on him for like forever but then this stupid conversation about his girlfriend started and I wanted to shoot myself."</span><br />"Trust me L, remember how much I crushed on SN. The moment I told him I want to date him. I have not answered his calls since that day. I was over him."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"So telling him means me getting over him?"</span><br />"Maybe he getting interested in you. He is in a long distance with an ugly weird girl. Ofcourse he will break up."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"LOL. But this crush is just so much fun."</span><br />"Yeaah."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"We should be together I am telling you."</span><br />"I honestly think we will end up living with each other. Cause no man would want to live with me."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"K, Like we can tolerate the men in our lives for too long?"</span><br />"LOL! I Love you L."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yes baby I Love you too."</span><br />"But do you really not like my boyfriend?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"I have not met him since you started dating him, K."</span><br />"Come on. He is just so cool. He is nice. He is a dentist. Plays the guitar. Is getting his belly pierced. Wow! And what else?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"K! What else?"</span><br />"Yeah like what else are his qualities?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"How the hell am I supposed to know?"</span><br />'Make some up to make me feel good."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"K! You two come here. I shall meet and judge him and then you shall get my approval."</span><br />"Oh! Please like him. He is really nice. I will tie him to a pole when you come here next."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"LOL. Cool.... Hey! Imagine Polygamy is not an issue with us too."</span><br />"Yeah. We shall easily get our lays here and there."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Exactly. And no issues with living with ONE MAN all your life. How the fuck do other women manage? Men are such a boring pain."</span><br />"Those women are fools. We can share ours."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Hi5!"</span><br />"Hi5!"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Gosh. We must start living together soon before I kill myself."</span><br />"No No L, you are not killing yourself."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Obviously I am. I have broken up. Other men do not interest me. People I am surrounded with otherwise are </span><i style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">choots</i><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"> and I hate my work. Argh. So fucking clueless about life."</span><br />'Baby, chill! This phase will go away in two months. Happens with everybody."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah. And until then I shall hide myself and drown myself in work and not see anybody's face."</span><br />"LOL. Like not see anybody's face."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">'Else I will end up slapping the world. Most people annoy me to the core."</span><br />"Okay. Chill. I will be with you very soon. And we shall live together forever. As of now, I will go eat."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Fuck! I hate you! I want to have mom made food too."</span><br />"I will cook for you."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Pasta? And that </span><i style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">daal</i><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">?"</span><br />"Yes my love, with your curd, humus and rice."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Now I am a happy girl. The way to your spouse's heart is through the stomach afterall."</span><br />"LOL. Love you L."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Love you too. Muaah."</span><br />"Muaah."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Bye."</span><br />"Bye."<br /><br />Does life get better than this? NO FUCKING WAY! Nothing like having your girlfriends with you. And my best friend really does make my world go round. :) I Love you baby.<br /><br />I am hooked to this chick party song. You just want to get dressed. Fight for the mirror. Share clothes make up shoes. Suggest Advice each other on the styling. Jump into the car with speakers pumping with loud music and hit the party scene having every guy ogle at you and you just have fun with your girls, all drunk. Listen Tik Tok by Kesha.<br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YpisOiPe3_o&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YpisOiPe3_o&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.<br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); text-align: left;font-family:'lucida grande',tahoma,verdana,arial,sans-serif;font-size:11px;" ><span class="Apple-converted-space"></span></span></span>Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5520888943112494138.post-55986698774989986502010-03-02T22:04:00.000-08:002010-03-02T22:29:08.881-08:00On days like these...Out of habit, I vent out in front of BG.<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Argh. BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY!"</span><br />"Get a hug. Eat a Burger. Drink a Beer."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"No hugs available.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Burger - Not in the mood.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">If I have Beer then my work will surely get done."</span><br />"Okay."<br /><br />After about an hour.<br /><br />"Where are you?<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Home. Where else?"</span><br />"Okay. I will see you in 10 minutes."<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Uh.. Okay."</span><br /><br />10 minutes later, the doorbell rings.<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Hi."</span><br />"Hi. You needed a hug na..."<br /><br />Middle of the night I call K. We speak for an hour and a half about EVERYTHING on this planet, including our own whimsical one. She reassures me of who I am when I need it the most. She knows I am disillusioned. Demotivated. Frustrated. Pissed. Rusting to the extent of losing myself forever. She says the right things and makes things seem so much easier for me.<br />"You are L! How can you be letting yourself do this to you? Just go ahead and take the decision. I know it will not be easy but then you are not happy anyway. You bloody well do it."<br /><br />Later after that call.<br />"Are you okay?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah."</span><br />"Sure it is just work?"<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Yeah."</span><br />"Okay. Then you continue. We will talk tomorrow."<br />And G and I hang up.<br /><br />Five minutes later, phone beeps.<br /><i>"I know you had a bad day. Wish I'de know what happened and wish I could make it better for you. Now that I can not, all I can offer is a big hug with a promise that everything happens for good. Have a nice night baby. Tomorrow is a new day."</i><br /><br />Some things can never change between me and G.<br /><br />It is on days like these you wonder what good did you do in your life that you have such beautiful people in your life who are <i>just there for you</i>.<br /><br />Thanking you three would be belittling the emotions and the ear to ear unending smile you brought on my face. All I can do is Thank God for having you in my life. Thank you God for making me your special child and someone special for these people. :) I still can not stop smiling. BIG HUG. BIG KISS.<br /><br />Love 'n' Peace.<br /><br />Hugs.<br />Kisses.Luscious Sealed Lipshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14189872074873893681noreply@blogger.com18