All I wanna do is crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. Running away from the past does not come easy, but this hurt I feel is not easy to face, either. Sleepless nights. Sleepy nights full of nightmares. Nightmares of blood. Blood that flows in my broken heart. The pieces of this broken heart can't be put together anymore.
Which piece of the broken heart do I begin from? The Phoenix in me is finally dying with no hope to rise again. I am sure it has a re birth limit like a cat too.
I said this in the previous post 'Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does.' And so it did. Not once. Not twice, but over and over again. Just aged a thousand years in a few weeks. Only so much can a lonely heart take. A heart, open for loving and being loved. A heart granting constant forgiveness. A heart, which is failed and hopeless, now.
Sitting by my window, hiding behind music, I let the emotion die with every minute. But then every song has a story to tell. Stories that just imprison me with hurt again.
K began dating RH, a betrayal of friendship, I thought. F happened right around that time. One meeting, one kiss and the heart smiled. It happened again. And again. I went away only to come back and find out F and K were online friends. F had fallen for K, in the first 'chat'. They talked allot, they flirted, WTF was really happening. Is my life being filmed for some reality movie? Seemed like it. F vanished saying 'He found K hot and liked her.' I was just away for three days and his 'feelings' for me died.
K knew I thought of F as an Asshole of sorts, now. She secretly spoke to him and lied to me about ignoring him. But why was she doing that? She was already dating RH that time. Cutting the cake and having it too? All I knew was, my friend stood by me in words. She hailed abuses at F for acting like a jerk with me, but what she did not know was I knew that she was still being nice to him, maybe more than that.
It was F's birthday, and we go to our regular pub. The pub was renewed. The claustrophobic charm was lost. We sang to our favorite songs and stared at the newness of the pub, looking stoned and bored. K whispered, "Your F, is here too." I had already noticed and ignored. I turned back and said, "I know. How did you recognize him? You two have not met ever."
"Pictures! He gave me a familiar look and I turned away. I understood it was him."
"Hhhmm." (So buy able!)
"You can go say Hi!"
"I don't want to."
RH held her from behind and they began dancing again. And I excused myself from the place.
F pinged the next day confirming if I was there at the pub or not.
"I thought I saw you at this place."
"If it was two days ago, then you might have cause I was there."
"I met your friend, K too."
"Oh! Yes, it was her birthday. But how did you guys know each other?"
"She recognized me and said Hi. So we talked."
"Oh!"
"Why did you not say Hi to me?"
"Because I did not see you. Was really drunk and stoned, you see."
"I thought you saw me and ignored. So I did the same."
"Lol. I am not that kind of a person. I will say Hi next time I see you."
I partially lied. I am not that kind of a person for sure, but I was at that time. I was angry. For once, I felt anger at a man.
Call it destiny, call it co incidence, I met him again the next day at another pub where I went drinking with another friend. We smiled and did say Hi this time.
He spoke to me once I got home. He weirdly kept insisting who was this 'friend' I was with at the pub. I laughed it off until he began crying about how K had now begun ignoring him. That he would now 'delete' her from his life cause it hurt him to see her around but be treated this way. I just listened. Why? Because I know he is a lonely messed up man with no friends. I pitied him, now.
S, the longest wooing man in my life had begun to build up now. I was not open to a relationship when he first asked me to give it a shot, but after an entire year of wooing, and the recent hurt, I was wanting to find stability in my Love life and I knew, S was the perfect guy for it.
S and I spoke for days. Met. He came home. We hardly hugged. We knew this was going somewhere. We were happy. There were times he would not reply to texts and calls too. But when he would, he seemed genuinely busy. I let it go. We decided to meet again, but without informing he cancelled. I let it go. Probably my heart was not all into him, after all. It did not seem to matter that much. Happened again and then again. Finally he had to be told to leave. He was told how hurtful it was to cancel on someone and not adhere to the general courtesy of letting the person know. It was also hurtful and rude. All he had to say was he was still busy in office. He could have done that earlier in the evening too, but he did not. And never tried getting in touch again. Now, when I look back, I see it as a good thing. I was never attracted to him. He would just be a distraction. As a matter of fact, I had no feelings for F too. I just felt like a bus stand for all these men who walked in and out as per their convenience.
I decided to let it all go and never again give a chance to another man. The best way to distract yourself - Get drunk with a new set of people or friends who you know are harmless and totally capable of distracting my mind. And so they did. Met new people, smiled, laughed, felt myself coming back. Also made one of the best fun conversations with CT. CT came to town just for twelve hours to meet another of the new friends. We were pissed drunk. He asked for a hug and I do not know how but he leaned in for a kiss and we kissed until interrupted by another friend who walked in on us. We kissed and kissed again later. He held my hand through out. We spent the night just holding each other, talking literature and feeling each other. Cuddling, hugging and kissing. He talked about his ex and how she had hurt him. He asked, "Have you ever been hurt?"
"I do not want to talk about it."
He held me and kissed me again.
"I miss being loved."
And my heart melted. We all do. I do too. And all I wanted to do that night was make him feel loved because I know how lonely and horrible it feels. He was going to leave at the break of dawn, anyway.
We loved, we laughed, we talked and kissed all night. Only to say goodbye to the perfect stranger in the morning.
We should have stopped there. But two lonely hurt hearts can not do that. We texted. We spoke. We shared our days in pictures and words for days. There was mush all over my face, all over my phone.
F kept calling and texting the next day. I ignored. Not only was I done with him, completely. I was also happy being with someone else. F called all day. I ignored all day. F finally texted at 2 AM. "I am outside your house." I met him. He leaned in to kiss. I pushed him away and gave him a piece of my mind, he deserved. He had the audacity to say, "If you were just a booty call. I would have come inside your house." Like I would let him in?
"Do you realize you can not walk in and out on people? It hurts."
"What about people who are already hurt, L?"
"That gives you no right to hurt other people. You are just messed up and need to sort your life out. I promise to be there as a friend but this is not something I can put up with."
I walked out on him, forever.
In the meanwhile, CT and I were like a happy couple who are blushing and smiling all day. He sang for me 'Strangers in the Night' and we knew we were each other's 'perfect strangers', not knowing we will see each other again or not. We knew we felt for each other too. It was not just a one night thing.
This very thought began to frustrate me and I expressed it so. He calmed me down and said he had no clue just like me, only to see him withdraw from the next day. I reciprocated in the same way. Only to find out later, his ex got to know about us and was giving him hell for it. He said he was guilty to lead me on and hurt me. I should have stopped. I didn't. I behaved like my asshole self. Acting all nice and understanding while I died inside. I told him how he could have been an asshole like the rest and just vanished if he wished to, but he was a gentleman to talk about it. We let it go after that conversation. Yet, it did not stop. I cried non stop for two full days. Hiding my swollen red eyes from the world. Sometimes, I still get them. CT, was liked. He came back to say he loved me. And we got back to our usual self again. And when after days he asked if I loved him too, I confessed. And he began to fade away again. This time, I really let it go. I find it hard not to be talking to him all the time. Not to waking up to his sweet nothings in the middle of the night, I miss that morning squeeze and the sleepy cuddles we talked and imagined about. But we got to let it go. We may have wanted each other. But his heart and mind was pre occupied and I was just a mere distraction for him.
It hurts still. Even now, when I want to snuggle in my bed and cry myself to sleep, I wish CT would hold me and kiss me to sleep. But we will not. And never will. Probably no man ever will. Because I am done. I am dead. My heart is a dead phoenix that can not rise from the ashes again.
Posts
Working on Something New
5 months ago
