Monday, November 23, 2009

YAWN!

The phone rang.

"Sorry."

"You know Nate's phone rang and so did mine. I knew it. We are connected. Maybe I should marry him."
"Mate?"
"Nate!"
"What are you saying?"
"I am talking of Nate. Nate from Six Feet Under!"
"Oh! Nate..!"
"Yes, I know my blocked nose and fucked up throat makes everything sound so differ ant."
"Yes. It does."
"What do you think? Should I marry Nate? I wish I could marry that cute gay too. Darn! Why did he have to be gay?"
"WHAT are you saying?"
"Yes! I have been dreaming of this cute gay guy for the past three days. I met him months back and when I spoke to this friend of mine some three days back, she told me he was asking for my number."
"L! I can not understand you."
"Oh! Come on! He is really cute. I just want him to turn heterosexual for me."
"I am not jealous L, if you think."
"Of course you are not. You are not that type."
Why are you not, G? :(
"Just let me know when you want to break up with me, so that i am mentally prepared."
"Oh! Don't you worry that I would."
"Hmmm."
"So.....?"
"So what?"
"So, how was your day?"
"My day..... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...."
YAWN!
"...And then there is this match tomorrow between XYZ and JKL..."
YAWN "Yes..."
"And you of course do not know what I am talking about."
"No. But then you are talking and that is nice."
"Yeah." Given up.
"So what are you wearing?"
"How does that matter?"
"No. It does not."
"Of course it does not."
"Yes. No matter how much you may like me pouncing on you, it does not matter."
"Not like you are in the mood."
"Yes I am not but you can answer me."
"Not all questions are meant to be answered."
"Okay. I shall go and sleep now."
"Did you practice this conversation?"
"No. I do not practice any of my conversations. Why?"
Because you always sound so mechanical.
"No. Just generally."
"Oh! So you wanted to sound all hep."
"What is so hep about this?"
"I do not know. Why are you talking like this?"
"No. Just asked. Anyway, so you must be tired. Go to sleep."
"Do not make it sound like it is my fault."
"Well I am not. I mean it. Go. Sleep."
"I have had a tiring day."
"I understand and that is why I am saying Go and Sleep."
"But you are making me feel guilty about wanting to sleep."
"No. I do not mean it that way. I am serious. Go. Sleep."
"What are you wearing?"
"I do not know."
"This is the lamest anybody can get. 'I do not know' is the stupidest answer to any question."
"Hmmm."
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night. Sleep Well."

Phew.

This was one of our longer conversations. Lately, by which I mean some three-four months, we have just been talking too little and for some strange reason, neither of us feel the need to talk more. Ages, since we had a conversation. A random one or even a serious one. I guess we are bored.

And that to be honest is O.K.A.Y. Every relationship hits a high point, a low point and a bore point. It is bound to come when you love someone so much and know just about everything. You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing. You know what facial expression is going to follow after that sentence, and even complete their verbal reactions to it. They become predictable. Hence, boring.

It is rather hard to love immensely and hold interest, both, at the same time. We humans are a little too restless to handle both. I for one, definitely am.

"I am really pissed off."
"Okay. Then listen to the latest news."
"What?"
"I think I want to break up with G."
"What? Why?"
"Because I am bored."
"How boring is that."
"What?"
"You want to break up with him because you are bored in your relationship?"
"Yes. I need something more exciting. Something that is happening. There is just nothing happening in our relationship. We wake up. Walk our ways to office. Maybe talk for a minute or two again in the evening, only to say 'lets talk later' and then 'Good Night' around 11-12. It is so fucking mechanical. It is so routined. And I hate it."
"At least have an exciting reason to break up. Cheat on him!"
"You know I can not do that."
"Because you love him."
"YES!"
"Then why do you want to break up?"
"Because I am bored."
"Well, then make up a story of cheating on him."
"Hah. Like that is going to work. He will never believe me. He KNOWS me."
"Come on. He has a cock. He will get jealous."
"Well, there you go. One of the biggest advantages of having a fat girlfriend is being free of insecurities."
"That is not true."
"I know my fucking boyfriend and he knows me too. And THAT is our fucking problem."
"Well.... At least have an exciting break up."
"Exciting like what? Go. See him. Fuck him. And then break up with him."
"Yeah. That sounds fun."
"Do you realize I am in love with this guy?"
"Then do not break up."
"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am bloody bored."
"And you guys do not even fight."
"Exactly."
"Lets go out this weekend."
"I am desperate. I need a vacation so bad."
"Lets seriously plan this tomorrow when we meet."
"Totally. I need to get away from allot of things."

Now, I know what a want. The reason why I burst into tears the other day in front of everyone without any reason or even an obvious emotional trigger, shocking the living daylights of all the people around me was clear. The reason why G has been lately scared of what I say, how I say it and what I exactly mean is clear. The reason why I want to break up is clear. The reason for my mood swings is clear.

I am plain unhappy with myself. I am not a mechanical person, but I am living a mechanical life. I am used to of doing what I want to. I am living the dream I always envisioned but did not see it as robotic, which is how it has become. I have no time for myself. For my expression. To stop. To feel. To realize. To feel free. To feel me.

I need some time off. I need a BREAK, sans the 'up'. And a good conversation with G. A random one. Not a practiced and planned one.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

21 comments:

Americanising Desi said...

take a break from here though cuz u know how seriously that hits us.
we miss you and as not so frequent ur posts pour it just makes me down :)

does that give you a reason not to yawn haan?

sanely insane said...

this text reminded me off four diff things

1. the episode in friends where monica gets jealous of phoebe and her new bf becoz they are banging around in every place possible and she and chandler have stopped doing tht, they have gotten into the routine of life...u shud hear chandler explaining her something though

2. HIMYM season 5 ep 7...where barney and gf split up

3. an article in a newspaper sometime back abt how...bdsm relationships have a higher lasting rate (ofcourse i'm not sure how scientific that study was)

4. and that how...at no point in time should life be allowed to become a habit...this one was by osho and absolutely brilliant writeup

waisey...i do believe tht we have been given this body in the role of caretakers...now i've seen skinny girls call themselves fat and there are ppl who are medically unable to do much...but as far as possible it is our duty to keep our bodies 'healthy'...exercised and toned...jst saying

Karthik Murali said...

i am sure ur dreaming or gone crzy.........jus cos u dont find a topic to talk at doesnt mean u need to break up. u know a good solution for this. jus take a break from his calls for atleast a week. irrespective of ur desire to call him or pick his calls, never do it......
at the end of the week , u'll realize one of two things : u actually can do well, without him
or u need him terribly
then take ur decision

btw, if u plan to breakup. lemme know.. u know why :P

Di said...

take a weekend break. just go to an exciting place .. goa-ish or Goa itself.. casino, sports, tattoos, drinking and dancing, music, nakedness, beach, sun, sand, beer, boys, girlfriends. books. blah! and blah! you know! OR somewhere nearby..u need a change, a break from the monotonous days. 3 days out will rejuvenate you fo sure

i know things get mechanical at times lol, you feel like shaking your bf hard and saying 'arrey kya hai!!! wtf. do something exciting' specially when u are far away and cannot meet the next hour.

we sang jaa gana mana last night to each other cuz he couldnt think of A SINGLE ROMANTIC SONG for me. lol!

but breaking up cuz u are bored ?? waste of time, cuz you'll be back together in less than 20 minutes - in the same conversation

Randeep said...

Hmm.. U are insane!

Escapist said...

Hmmmm......if i really need to relate this post to my life then i must say some time i want to do same.....


Joollieess:-)

Jack said...

L S L,

In any relationship a time comes when it is seems like a plateau and one misses all the thrill of finding new things on each bend on way up the hills. Anything which gets like a set routine becomes unexciting. So best is to reinvent something to kindle weakening flame. Go on vacations to some remote place where there is no distraction.

Take care

PS : No reply in previous post or no visit too.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Americanising Desi,

I am finally taking a Break and looking forward to it.

I am sorry but I am trying to update as and when I can. Life has taken a new turn and this road is busy like hell.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sanely Insane,

All of this helps. Thank you so much for being there! :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Karthik,

I can not live without him even for a day.

Sorry, I do not really see your chance coming. ;)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Randeep,

About him. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Di,

I am taking that more than much needed Break. I have been in desperate need of it.

Thankfully, G and I seem to be back on track without a single conversation about this whole thing. I am slowly feeling good about everything. I guess 'Mechanism' is a phase, which I am getting done with. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Jack,

That sounds great only if time and commitments allow us. And hopefully we should be able to do something 'exciting' together as well. :)

I will visit soon. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Escapist,

I guess we all do at some point in life.

Kisses.

Pesto Sauce said...

You got it right...every relationship has its crests and troughs, so dear give it time

And a bit of intimacy is not bad to drive away boredom, give it a try

Dejavu said...

sounds so like me.....

Pan said...

this post had me in splits even though it must not have felt funny to you. happens to EVERY reltnship, dont worry abt it !:)

Retromus-ik said...

I hope things continue to get better with your boyfriend. A predictable phase happens in every relationship; it's up to both of you, to spice it up! make every phone call and meeting special;)

Preeti said...

it heppens ....we tend to make our life around someone and when that bond get monotonous we dont know what to do ..nd sudeenly we start feeling the tension , it start effecting everything in life ...

taking a break is good option and so is having things in life that doesnt nvolve him ...like even all ur writings are about him ...so that when u talk with him , u hav actually missed him ...

once my Bf called me after 2 hours od our meeting and asked " did u miss me " ..i replied " give me some time and i'l miss u " ...so u need some space / break and a life thats urs only :)


hugs !!
preeti

Raj said...

You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing.

thats true. seriously. but then one of you has to do something. anything. get cranky. get un-serious. give him a surprise be a little mischievous. getting bored is generally a sign of ringing the same monotonous tone of life day after day.

:)

take a break. not a break up.

sawan said...

"They become predictable. Hence, boring." - i like that. never thought of it tht way.

have a good time L.

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