Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Time to Face it!

"I wonder how would a Hindi man ask you 'What are you wearing?'"
"What do you mean by a Hindi man?"
"A man who speaks Hindi."
"Simple G! 'Tum kya pehney ho?'"
"That sounds hot. Now answer it."
"Nothing."
"How come?"
"Just got out of a shower."
"What is you weight?"
"Hello?"
"What is your weight, now?"
"Hello? I can not hear you G!"
"Alright. If you can not hear me then we will talk later."
"No. No. I can hear you, now."
"What is your weight?"
"I can not hear you again."
"You will lose your weight by my next birthday?"
"I guess."
"This birthday I gave you a good 11 months to lose but you did not."
"9!"
"10!"
"No 9!"
"10 1/2"
"No! 9!"
"L, it is 10 1/2, if not 11."
"Alright. Fine. I will lose."
"I can not trust you, ya."
"O.K."
"Please be trustworthy, no!

You there?"
"Yes."
"Why are you sounding down and out while I am being such a choot?"
"No. I am fine."
"Come here. Sit on my lap."
"No. You will die."
"Yes. But let us take a chance."
"No. No."
"Alright. I'll get on top of you?"
"Yeah. I won't die. You do not weigh too much."
"Why are you getting all serious?"
"I am absolutely fine, G. I am not serious."

"Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree
Sorry.
Saaree................................................................Sorry."
"You do not have to apologize, G. I am good."
"Now say Saaree Sorry, 20 times."
"Why?"
"Just say it. It is allot of fun."
"No. It is not."
"Come on. I listen to allot of your silly stories. Now it is my turn."
"O.K.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Sorry."
"Caught you. You said 'Sorry Sorry'."
"No. I did not."
"Yes you did. I won. Now give me 100 bucks."
"Yeah right."
"Now see, if I say this four times straight without a mistake, you will have to give me 400 bucks."
"Hmmm."
"Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Now give me 400 bucks."
"Yeah right!"

We may have continued to do our silly stuff but that one word lingered. I was down and out. I was hurt. Not because of what he said but because he too said it.

I have all my life had a problem trusting people. Why? I just find it difficult. Today, I realized it was because I was not too sure of my own self. I am afraid of forming too many relationships. I feel they have the ability to hurt and ruin you. I feel 'What if I betray or are betrayed unconsciously?' I have always taken my own sweet time in forming the whatever few relationships I have. By that, I mean, the ones I believe in. The ones I know I will carry with me for life, happily, willingly and desperately. By that, I mean Mom, Dad, Sister, K, Aj and G. OF which three have directly shown difficulty in trusting me and three, indirectly.

Trust, for me, like most or rather all, has been a huge issue. By God's grace, I am blessed with people in my life who have treasured my trust in them. Unfortunately, I have not. In small ways or big. Consciously or Unconsciously. One time or more. Their trust in me has come into question. My father has hardly spent any time with me yet is sure he can not trust me, for reasons I am yet to figure out. My sister would love to trust me blindly but also knows I am highly unpredictable. My mother, I feel, sometimes fights with herself to trust me. Probably the only reason why I have survived so far is because of her belief in me, whether it is a self fought and won battle for her or a natural mother-child relation. She has been my pillar yet I can not forgive myself for breaking her trust when I have lied to her for all things, small or big. I have broken K's trust in me, unknowingly but she forgave. Aj's trust, knowingly, assuming it won't make a difference to him. And he pretended as if it did not.

Today G just brought back all that I had ignored all my life. He simply assured me of a flaw I had been hiding under layers of Self assumptions and Ignorance. I have had this issue trouble me but I have pushed it in my closet like a piece of unwanted cloth. G may have joked about being non trustworthy, but it was true. No matter how small or big the matter in question maybe, trustworthiness is highly sensitive. It is neither easy to earn nor maintain.

My heart aches. It is not easy to gulp a piece of truth that has scared you all your life. I feared having trusting issues, not realizing I was trapped in many of those, already. It is like a thick leather whip hitting your naked ass in a crowded arena. That is how bad it hurts. That is how hard the truth is.

Lets face it, 'I HAVE BEEN UNTRUSTWORTHY'! I have been told that too many times, directly and indirectly. Its time, I accept it. It may take all my strength to take it in, but it better be done now. The amendments should be made now. (But I thank God, for giving me such trustworthy people in my life, despite my own known or unknown distrusting times.)

(I am sorry. For the first time, I am wallowing in self pity and do not feel worthy of spreading Love, Peace, Hugs or Kisses.)

Thanks!

17 comments:

Rahul Viswanath said...

1st ..... Do you rehearse your conversations ?? lol .... They sound way to natural for me !!!

Hmmmmm ..... about trustworthy ..... Miles to go before I sleep ....

sanely insane said...

there is one lil missy who was the only one who ever got an invitation to sit on my lap (other than my adorable niece who never bothered for the invitation :P )..especially when she's angry with me..ohh i could just hold her...she's just like a kid when she's angry :P

Trust is a very difficult topic...there is this trick question i ask to highlight the difficult part of trust...say u r with someone and u trust them and u r carrying a bag with lots of money in it (say a crore) and goondas come and in the scuffle u get the bag and the other person gets the gun...and u see that they have raised the gun pointing it at u...what thoughts would come to ure head...would doubts about their integrity arise? or would u think that u better hold still so that they can take that careful aim to shoot some goonda who must be behind u...

while trust is ok...i try that most situations come not to trust...hence when i was flirting this girl...i'd tell her about any other girl i added on my gtalk or twitter...not to make her J...but just so that she'd not feel that I was upto no good behind her back...doubts can always arise...the lesser the things left to trust...the better...thats what communication is meant for.

Another way to develop trust is to understand the other person's psyche...why do they do what they do...what are their aspirations and fears...because once u understand what drives a person u can predict what they are going to do...what things they lie about, what scares them...etc etc..ofcourse this is too much trouble to take for everybody...but for ure closest people its worthwhile :)

and to the last part...i quote the line from the movie daddy..."main duniya se jhoot bol sakta hoon, apni beti se jhoot bol sakta hoon, par main apne aap se kaise jhoot boloonga"

trusting starts with first knowine oneself...

i've had this problem and still do...a problem is only an opportunity

so LSL my dear smile now...because ure smile...lightens up the world

ki said...

It happens sometimes. We lie, we hide... but people we love always forgive us :)

oo7 said...

liked the post...food for thought.

keep trusting and learning .
i go with that.

tc and have a nice day .

D said...

in the end, you know you have those people always with you, and i am glad you do *hug*

trust is built over time and takes hardly any to break. but i am sure your family trusts you, family does!! it might be something else probably that's coming in between.. but they can always trust you, always hope

just like G keeps giving you time till his next birthday! he hopes, he expects, he wants that thing from you, he wants to you to make that effort, he knows you can and thats why he is patient with you. just like you are patient with the ones you love because you hope and know that they will do this or that for you (whatever it may be). and he is patient just because he TRUSTS you that you won't let him down.

you know he was just kidding about that "i dont trust you ya" thing, of course!

i think Trust is the biggest biggest biggest thing for a relationship to work. any relationship. otherwise how will you even talk to people? there are some people you just cannot be friends with even after trying to like them! thats cuz you cant trust them.

and the fact that you have such close friends and G..a family that loves you...just shows that they trust you and you trust them

relax...i hope you take it easy.

KISSESSSSSSSSSSSS

Nefarious Demon said...

i can NOT resist to comment. this post makes alotta sense to me coz i see myself in a similar situation now. i have always been accused for breaking their plighted faith instilled in me.. where i believe its the other way round..

AD said...

i trust not even me :)
i dont know what trust is about!
makes me psychotic but i think i will live n die in psychoism!

Randeep said...

Hmm.. I too felt like this. 1st I decided not to trust anyone. That seemed like cheating. Then I started trusting blindly. It was like being cheated. Then I understood its a combination of both. Like an unbalanced equation having dynamic variable on both side. oh that was a bit over. aint it. Ya we lie, we hide, we forgive, we forget...

Cheers
Randeep

Confusion personified said...

I believe tht in any such situation....u gotta trust ur self first....
being trusted by someone is a huge responsibilty...
but how can u expect sumone else to put thr faith in u when u dnt trust ur own self?
lack of trust in other people starts wid self doubt as well...
every instance of trust broken shud be taken positively as a learnin experience, instead of adding to ones cynicism..

cheers :)

iWrite -2- Know said...

Yes. It's true. Trust is like a glass mirror. Once broken, it is difficult to put it back together.

From the desk of iW2K.

Kenneth said...

"Trust" like "Beauty" falls in the "Eye of the Beholder" Category. One can never be Completely Trustworthy or Completely Untrustworthy. Those are decisions taken by others Relative to how they feel about you. It's not something that you should put a "Tag" along saying "I'm not Trustworthy". We're Human. We're Imperfect and We're good, most times.

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Amal Bose said...

i think its a bit difficult to change these things.
i mean trusting someone is something the comes naturally, a closeness that we feel from deep inside our heart.
dont try to change anything for the sake of others, it ll be like trying to be someone else which definitely show lack of trust in ourselves.

sawan said...

it takes immense strength to acept one's negative side. you have done that. the rest would be easy. you take care girl. and start trusting urself. you are worth it.

fms1988 said...

Well you were honest enough to post it here & spit the truth out so i dont think your not trustworthy at all :)

It takes years to build trust but seconds to destroy it.
Iv heard that all my life since i was growing up :)

I can somewhat understand your situation & if u wanna get out of it then ..you will have to be honest & trust yourself first.& take it from there.

People we love will always forgive us if we break thier trust but somwhere deep in thier hearts the pain remains coverd.

All da best.

Don't Be a Slut said...

This was such an interesting post. I think that recognizing the truth, even when it hurts like hell, is the first step to healing. So just by facing this new truth, you're already light years down the path to transforming it and your relationships.

P.S. I just gave you the Kreative blog award. See my 5/17 blog post for details.

T-REX said...

Hi LSL, for the first time, I dont agree with you(whats happening?, why cant I agree with people nowadays?), I think this concern of yours is much ado about nothing. The most important thing is having good intentions and seeing them through, like insane said, he tells his gf abt every new girl he ads in his list. I think and i think he knows it too, that it never works, the best thing will be to, keep shut abt it, not to make any waves and take care not to be unfaithful. I think thats what trust means. Do good,in the end. So I quote shakespeare again "much ado about nothing, period" with this I leave the link to my new story , which I hope yo'll raed even though you must be pissed after reading my views.



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S.A.D. BLOGATHON ANNOUNCEMENT

Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

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