Monday, February 23, 2009

Why blame it on PMS?

"I did not mean the sorry."
"OK. Then I am sorry."
"No. Please do not be if you do not mean it. I did not mean it and that is why I am telling you. I want to be honest."
"OK. Then even I am not sorry."
"Shall we go for some tea?", he asked in his sweet voice.
"No. I do not want to talk. Bye."

I stared at the phone for ten minutes by the watch. He did not call back. I sobbed like a call would save my relationship. We obviously had 'nothing to talk', according to him.

Called him all day. He was busy. Understandable. No issues. Like always, when we talk, he tells me everything about his office, his friends, his plan for the next 3 hours. Sometimes, he sounds like Sunali Kulkarni's boyfriend from Dil Chahta Hai. The one who remembers the day date time and place where he used to buy a 'heart shaped' balloon from. LOL. Subodh was his name. Then I tell him how my plans of coming to his city have changed and the chances of shifting there are seeming difficult. He pleads how I should try my level best. He also scolds me on something I should be doing but am not. And then all of a sudden says, 'OK. Bye'. I ask for more time and he says the usual, "We have nothing to talk." And as always, he has decided for me too that we have nothing to talk.

Ofcourse, I have lost it. I am angry. I am hurt. Hurt more than angry. We fight over how I do not want to talk to him now and he insists on how we should, now. I tell him in my true irritable tone, "You are irritating me." Well, if you try babying your woman at the wrong time. Trust me, you are nothing but annoying her. I scream. Am rude. He probably (obviously) did not like the way I was talking to him. We hang up.

I call him back to apologize. He accepts and we hang up immediately again. He had 'nothing to say'. My tone was cold. Trying hard to feel that way too but failed.

We fought over the same thing just two nights before. We had phone sex and within 5 minutes 'we had nothing to talk', as if talking for those 5 minutes was also a part of 'Lets talk otherwise she will feel how selfishly I hung up right after sex'. I did express my complaint on 'how we do not talk' but did not mention how weird it felt. I maybe wrong in the way I am feeling. I hope I am but how come I never get to decide whether we have something to talk or not?

I am definitely not somebody who likes sticking to the phone. I do not even like talking on the phone. It is a bloody waste of time. But there is just one person I want to talk my heart out to. Unfortunately, lately I am nearing something I dread - Feeling uncomfortable talking about anything to him. The last time when I wanted to talk about my sister's decision. I did not talk to him about it, not because I did not want to, but cause I did not know how to. If this continues I will slowly forget my comfort with him. I will forget how to talk to him carelessly about everything. Communication is the only fucking thing that keeps a relationship alive. I do not want to lose that.

I understand he gets tired. He wants to be with himself. He just does not want to talk. But please do not try covering that with a 'we have nothing to talk about'. I was hurt because I really had allot to say, hear and talk about. And have it for many days. I agree I do not start 'talking' immediately, like it was all pre decided or computerized in my head - 'Next pause and start with your story, L'. And before you reach your comfort zone and start what you want to, you can do nothing but talk to yourself about it. When the other person has already decided for me too, whether I have something to say or not, then what am I suppose to do?

I hate being the first one to call all the time. I hate being the one who wants to always 'talk'. Makes me feel like I am pushing him into doing something he does not want to do. That is not even the last thing that I would want.

I know I have hurt him today with my behavior. It hurts me more to know that I have hurt the man I love. I would do anything to see him happy. Probably even stop expecting him to hear me when I want to 'talk'. But would I be doing any good to myself? Our relationship? To him? Faking, really isn't good. Let us not call it 'compromise'. We all know how much 'compromises' keep us happy. Either understand or clear it out. I do not know what to do. Would he understand what I am trying to clear out? Or would he call it another 'PMS Conversation'?

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - This post is dedicated to Dipti. She helped me find out something I have been trying to figure out over months. Why do couples have PMS fights? She said, "pms fights are mainly because the guy starts getting worked up the moment you tell them you are pmsing, cuz they start dreading from that moment that you will be a different intolerable horrible woman for the next few days lol" I Love you, Dips. :) Big hug and a big kiss for you.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Love is a Funny Game

"Were you expecting something?"
"YES! My Flowers!"
She laughed, "Your Black Roses have arrived."
She hung up.

"Oh my Fucking God!"
"What happened? Who called?"
"It was my sister. My flowers have arrived."
"Are they not late?"
"I was not here, remember? So, they are bang on time."
Cutting in, "And they are BLACK ROSES! FUCK! I can not get over that."
"Black Fucking Roses! Where did he find those?"
"I do not know and I do not care."
Drooling. Looking up.
"You know. I must have told him some random time of the day that I love and crave for Black Roses and Good Lord, FUCK! I don't believe he has sent me BLACK ROSES!"
"Lucky Bitch."

I run back home. The distance from P's house to mine seemed the longest that day. I just could not wait to get home and see what do my Black Roses look like? What is written in that little card?

I bang open the door to an irritating sister whom I had to chase, scream at and finally bribe for a movie to give me my hidden flowers. I find a beautiful bright bunch of Red and Yellow Roses. The thought of Black Roses had vanished. They were flowers from G. My first Valentines Day flowers. What more did I need. So what, if those flowers were begged for, from G ;). My sister thought it was cheap of me to ask him for flowers on our first Valentines. I did and I am not ashamed of it. :)

"You got my flowers?"
Panting, "Yes."
"Do you like them?"
Still panting, "Yes."
"You sound disappointed."
"I traveled, ran and screamed too much for these flowers. The excitement is going but I love them."
I assured him. He understood.

I wake up to those flowers everyday. They are kept right up on my head. The first thing I see when I shut and open my eyes are the yellow and red roses protruding out of the vase.

He thinks, we women find happiness in very small things. True. All women I know love the small things more. In fact, this one friend of mine is showered by expensive gifts at least 5 days a week. She hates it. She has actually started throwing his gifts away. It is easier to please women than it seems. My sister proved it to me in a big way today.

She was on a verge of a serious divorce. This issue was not taken too seriously by neither her husband nor her in laws, despite my parents getting involved. She had all the reason to leave him and never go back. It is never about a mistake when we break relationships but about natures. Unfortunately, he has some serious problems, which we could all see.

"He is coming tonight."
"So, finally after three months he thinks he should come here and ask you to come back?"
She smiles. She has defended him all through her 7 years of marriage with this smile.

They talk all night. They talk all through the day.

"L, I do not feel anything. I know what I want. I thought, his face would make me doubt my decision, but no. It just does not. And I am happy. I do not want to go back."

Mom goes to talk to him and is out of the room in no time, sobbing. She could not see his 'Sorry face'. Momssss.

By the evening, we are expecting him to leave.
"I think I want to give him another chance."
I look her straight into the eye, questioning why?
"L, I am a God fearing person. I do not want God questiong me, Why did I not give this man ONE chance. Maybe he will change....
I have never seen him cry like this before. He is promising he will change. I want to try. I do not want to regret later that I did not give him any chance."
"You are doing this for yourself or God?"
She stands looking at me waiting I would react in a more expressive way. I am too shocked to do that. She sits bside me.
"I want you to try and like him too."

She knows I do not like him. I have had a disgusting past with him, where he has felt me. Not once, but many times, despite the warnings, untill last year when I yelled at him in front of my sister. He managed to convince her that I was assuming and misunderstanding it all. Anyway. Fuck that.

"I will try, just as I did in the last 7 years."
"That was faking. I want you to really try. He genuinely considers you as his sister."
This was our second uncomfortable long silence. The first, when just to make it easier for her and end the matter I accepted that I maybe assuming about her husband. The second was again in his favor.

"To be honest. I do not find your decision right."
"I know. I can see it all over your face."
"I fail to understand how can this decision taken in minutes be stronger than the decision taken in years?"
She expects me to understand and I assure her that I will.
"I will be happy, when I see you happy."
We end it there. Mom is happy because she thinks he deserves another chance on human grounds.

They all go out for a movie.

I stay at home. Speak to G. He sings for me. Coaxes me to tell him what is wrong, but I do not feel like talking about it. Its something that is making me think.

Am I someone who is always encouraging people to break off their relationships?

Every time I see P unhappy, I tell her to walk out of her relationship. I was the first one to support and encourage my sister to take this big decision. I have always believed, if you are not happy in a relationship, move out. Do not make a joke out of it by dragging it on some silly grounds. I have encouraged break ups and divorces for one reason and that is to make them believe that 'it is alright to move on and choose a happy life for yourself.' But, am I wrong? Am I, the one taking rash and harsh decisions of breaking up a relationship? (even if it is for ohers) It makes me go crazy. I do not want to be responsible for encouraging people to break up. I just want to encourage people to love themselves and be happy.

She asked, "If G asked you for a second chance, would you give it to him?"
"Depends on how much has he hurt me?"
"I agree. Yet?"
I did not answer. I knew my answer. I would not.

He called. We spoke. He sang to me. Narrated some stupid Pineapple joke, just to make me laugh. I would.

I love G so much that I would give in to the demands of my heart and give him another chance if he'd hurt me to the extent of a break up. And just then, I hear a door bell, as if my moment was being filmed for a Bollywood Feature.

"It is a courier for you."
It is from G. There is my Valentines Goody Bag. A pair of beautiful earrings, I can not wait to wear for him. Two DVDs he had promised he would send me. A box of heart shaped dark chocalates which I was praying for just a minute back to help me stop the unstoppable tears. And my Valentines Day card, which said, "we are fucking good tiogether." We are.

Love is funny. When they come back from the movie. I will help her believe that I accept her decision. Though I desperately pray she sees a far better future with him, now. And lives happily ever after.

I Love you G. No matter how hard I tried keeping you away from my troubled state. You were there to make me feel good, in the form of flowers, songs, cards, chocalates and in thought.

Thank you God. I Love you. Happy Valentines Day to all of you! Special V Day Hugs and Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Singleton still remains Sexy

After a long spell, Luscious is back. As I had already informed my readers, I was on a vacation, which was allot of fun. In the mean time fell, mine and Chrys' S.A.D. Blogathon Week, which we planned with so much of ebullience, love and excitement. Fortunately, we received an enthusiastic response but not all were able to participate and update their blogs during the week because of their own valid reasons (including me). Never mind. We loved your interest, anyway and are thankful to you for that. :)

Nonetheless, we have with us five beautiful Bloggers, who promised and updated their Blogs during the Week. They joined us in the celebrations of the Single Awareness Day, which falls on the 14th day of February, along with Valentines Day. I apologize profusely for being late, but I hope these Blog posts on the beauty of Singleton, by our participants shall make up for it.

Chrys and I invite you to be a part of our celebrations, as we celebrate the Singles Awareness Day, in our own little way.

Please visit our Participants' Blogs, read and comment. It would be a great way of showing us your contribution and your thoughts on Singleton.

S.A.D. Blogathon Week's participants are,

Single Hilarity

d Rat
Piyush Tainguriya
Chrys, my gorgeous Co-Planner and Supporter, who celebrated the Week truly, updating her blog everyday, all through the Blogathon Week.

Thank you Saroj, Single Hilarity, Piyush and d Rat for your contributions and helping us make S.A.D. Blogathon possible.

Special Thanks to Shoe Girl, who helped us look for the perfect S.A.D. Blogathon Participant's badge and wanted to participate as well, but sadly could not. This is the badge she sent to us, which we have further passed on to our Participants. They shall (hopefully) put this badge up on their blogs, which would indicate their participation in the S.A.D. Blogathon.

And Chrys, Thank You! You have been a great Co-Partner and Supporter. Thank You for putting up with me and my absence so patiently. Love you. Hugs.

Thanks to all those who have already read these posts and to those who are going to. :)

Love 'n' Peace.

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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!