Friday, December 31, 2010

In the Name of Love!

Exactly 365 days back, at this very moment, G and I were making love to each other. We kissed at 12 at the deck as fancy ships sailed and firecrackers filled the sky. We stopped the moment we saw the first cracker go in the air. We knew it was 12. It was what we were here for. We turned. Held each other lovingly and kissed. It was the sweetest kiss of all times. It was my first 'New Year's Kiss'. The quite candle light dinner and the long walk on the deserted roads of Panjim had set the mood. We got to our room and kissed. A New Year Bang was obvious, but that is not what followed. We got into the blanket to get cosy and switched to 'Sex and the City'. Without any further guesses, I finished the movie for the third time now and he was fast asleep. He always looked so peaceful and innocent, like many of us do, while sleeping. I kissed his cheek and whispered Happy New Year! He kind of woke up and we kissed. It was not the 'I will enter you, as the new year enters' thing as he joked, but a slightly delayed sex plan., which definitely was one of the most beautiful year beginnings I ever had (ofcourse not just the sex but everything.)

And that probably is my last happy memory of the year gone by. After which came a phase. A phase that I still can not explain to people, but all I realized after that was that I just dont need anybody or anything. All I needed was something I couldnt find or even know till the last day of the year. That phase led to probably one of the most bizarre break ups anyone may have seen. A perfect relationship breaking on the basis of it being too perfect? A partner's niceness being tested to such heights? I messed up. I screwed up with G. Sometimes I think, maybe all this mess was self created or uncalled for, but then I realize, what looks clean on the surface may not necessarily be clear in all corners. And my hidden closets had opened and poured out all the mess.

Amidst all this, I realized there was only one man I wanted to confide into. Only one man whom I wanted to pour my confusion out to. Probably I knew he would definitely hear or was it the comfort of a stranger you dont know that leads to such out pour? Or was it just this unknown beautiful friendship developing. Don't know about either, because what I did was something completely different. I would have never done that and probably will not repeat it too, but it was this LSL reader whom I began depending on. Meeting BG was rather natural, like meeting an old friend. People raised eyebrows, answered questions about his sudden appearance, to everyone around me. It was an awkward entrance in my life, according to others, since it happened just a few days after my break up. We met and all we spoke about was G and his stupid ex. We went on to become what we were meant to be, the greatest of friends.

BG, is undoubtedly the best thing that happened to me in 2010. He was a good decision. I met his friends, he met mine. It all fell naturally and it was so nice. I dont think I am going to come across another man in my life who is going to be such a mirror image of mine, as he is, and yes BG, you bloody well admit that too. :P I was with him, what I have never been, not even with G or anyone else in my life. I was completely emotionally dependent on him. And I guess that is what flooded my Twitter account. There was that phase when I was cranky, irritated and annoyed to the core to realize I could fall for this LOSER of a friend of mine. I hated myself, but hated him even more for getting this out of me. He just knows me too well to not have gotten it, anyway, and that was the first and the last time we spoke about it. Today, he is about to get married!

When I look back at this, I realized it was not 'falling' for him. It was just getting used to him. Just getting overtly dependent on him. It was the concern in his text during my pregnancy scare, it was the repeated 'we will take care of the situation' that calmed me down. It was indeed his stupidity that has helped me cope through the year in whatever little ways. I got screamed at by him for several things but this pregnancy scare was the worst of them all, the worst day of my life. It was nothing but the guilt of no protection.

2010, the year of my first One Night Stand. A massive fight at home. A stressful time at work. A room full of friends during the worst time of the year led to a drunken LSL in a at least known man's arms. My Best friend K, decided to stay over for two days, which ended in 5 weeks with her brother, his girlfriend(s), her boyfriend, his friends and my poor annoyed flatmates. Even thinking about that time makes my head spin and drop my jaw in awe of self as to how did I handle it all. Because between all of this were the 5 most important weeks of my year. That stress was dealt with day in day out. Coming back home was relaxing because of K's love, but not exactly peaceful and enough to prepare me for the next stressful day. Ofcourse, coming back home also meant more stress in terms of 'household stress'. Issues between my flatmates and my friends, issues between my two flatmates, issues between my friend and her boyfriend, her brother, their friends. I was lost. It was the craziest time of my life, which all came out that one night when all that was piled on decided to be drank away. And I drank like a maniac only to be held by RH, K's boyfriend's sexy friend. He was your typical hot uniform guy, with a NICE VOICE. *screams* (WTF? Its now when I look back at it, I realise he is hot. WTF was I thinking before that? His small cock?) Well so, drunken yours truly is kissing this hot man on the dance floor and next thing I remember is us driving to his place.

For some really odd reason, I remember K puking in his washroom, me settling her with her boyfriend and her drunken brother. I also remember RH and I moving to the balcony for a smoke and talking but I dont really remember the SEX PART! I know for sure it happened, cause I remember that feeling of having-sex-after-six-months-get-prepared-for it-to-hurt, and it just didnt cause it was THAT small. First One Night Stand and what a disappointment I swear! He was way better the next time when his 'thing' was not involved but yes some playing was. And strangely enough, I remember sleeping off immediately after the intercourse and he was trying to be all nice by cuddling and making conversation and I was SLEEP TALKING. The sweetest thing, he remember it all the next day and asked me about it and I gave him the weirdest look ever and just said 'Oh! I must have been sleep talking' and walked off. Gosh! Now, this sounds so bloody rude. But then, we met, spoke, messaged and flirted some times after that and then he sailed back. That was the end of the RH chapter.

As for the main chapter, K, that RH was a part of, was not a good chapter. A Best friend, I wanted to marry. We knew we would make a wonderful lesbian couple, but staying together didnt work out for us. Not for me, at least. Its a different thing being in love, and a different thing to live together. While I sobbed for days fighting with G cause we were sometimes still dealing with the break up and sometimes the RH topic came up, I knew who picked my hand and took me for a drive and saw the disinterest in the person I needed the most.

I did not see much of my family, hardly spoke to them, screwed up relationships in life, strengthened a few, identified some potential ones and remain confused about some. The year of ups and downs in all of my important relationships. The year when I not just swayed into the no-protection-one-night-stand territory (Bad Girl! *moves pointed finger*), but I got my FIRST BIKINI WAX too! *claps* IT FUCKING HURTS! And funnily, I have not had sex right after that. Considering I have had sex exactly TWICE in this year, its not that funny. But a bikini wax feels bloody good. Creams are out of the window, totally! Hope that did not get stolen? Yes! I am also dealing with a Kleptomaniac (I hope not!).

I found some genuine care, some genuine love, allot of misunderstanding, allot of patience, tolerance and so much more. I discovered my limits. I discovered myself. I took care of myself. I brokedown a several times. Sometimes there were arms around, mostly it was just my pillow and quilt. On the surface, the year was horrid, but I know it, this was the best year of my life, probably! I noticeably grew as a person. I made mistakes like a human. I felt the need of love in my life, for the first time. For the first time, I moved beyond others and questioned, Do they also love me as much as I love them? I got to know people better. I got to know strange politics better. I learnt to stay calm in a storm. I learnt to weep alone without hugs. I learnt to live without my daily 'Big Hug! Big Kiss' from G. I grew stronger. My illusion of a happy independent life is out of the window. Now, I am just ready for whatever comes my way. I am ready to take on this world, the last time I said it, I crumpled, this time, I shall hold my God's hand and walk. Hopefully my blog may not be directly proportionate to my sex life, the dying sex life last year almost killed my blog and this year there maybe NO SEX AT ALL (WTF!? *shakes head*), hope that doesnt dry up the blog though.

All I need is a smoke now. But Control and Balance shall be my resolution this year. Controlling my impulses and Balancing my emotion affected actions. Just want to learn to take it all with dignity and love. I shut my eyes tight and hold your hand, God, you are by the end of the day, my ONLY true love and there is nothing I can do without your love. Please continue to be there, right beside me, sticking to me, holding me like a lover who wouldnt let me go, this year too. If there is anyone who brushes my hair while I bury my face in my pillow, its you. I Love you, and this time I need you more than ever.

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - Have a healthy and beautiful year! Hugs!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Stop. Think!

There is this blog, partly anonymous, partly ignored and dearly close to my heart. For the past few months, I have been irregular, I have been scared. I have always taken this blog as my 'vent out' zone, no matter what the person visiting may feel or think. It is not my judgmental portal. But after some bouts of impulsive blog posts, I have started thinking before I write. I stop myself from writing certain things, probably because I don't want to face them or I don't want anyone else to face them. I have hurt and made some people smile through my posts, but now I prefer to stay quite, I think twice before I write, and I need to break through this. I need to be my LSL self, once again.

But there is something about thinking twice, an age old proverb. Repeatedly reminded by elders, friends and colleagues. I do not know whether my friend and her parent's had heard of this from any of their well wishers. Or maybe they did and ignored, like many of us.

My friend just got married. Being school friends, the entire group of 5 school besties, we were excited to be re united and laugh off the right prediction of her being the first one among all of us getting married. But behind those fake smiles and happiness, we were all worried, we were all mad at her, at her choice of the man she picked, like many of her previous boyfriends.

SN is an adopted Kashmiri Muslim, adopted by a Hindu Bengali-Bihari pair of IAS parents. She always had a nanny, even when she visited any of our houses. Today too, her nanny accompanies her everywhere. Her parents have been extremely protective of her for all the right reasons. She has no mind of her own. She is easily influenced and can be an utter fool. She was never interested in academics. How she finished school was a surprise to all of us too. She went on to do random courses in Make up and Jewelery, just to pass her time. Eventually, her rich parents set up her Jewelery business, trough various exhibitions, etc., thanks to their contacts.

Amidst all of this she did some stupid make up course, where she met MA, a hair dresser, and fell for him. He did not like her and was dating someone else at that point of time. He made his friend woe her and being the easily wooed sorts, she went out with him. He was well treated by her and received allot of expensive gifts in return of some attention, being her constant phone companion and adding a little 'fun' in her life. It was after this guy started showing off his amazingly convenient relationship with SN, that MA got jealous and threatened him to ditch her. And so he did. Only to break up with his girlfriend and hit on SN. SN got wooed within hours, again.

SN's choice of men have always reminded us of those old Hindi movies where nothing but love mattered. Class, cast, cultural differences were just words, but nothing that held any meaning in this world of blinded love. Practicality was always out of question and conversation, with her. She never respected the wishes of her family and sound advices from friends. She preferred shunning these people out of her life and have them back as per her convenience. Whenever she fell in love, she found a new confidante, a new friend, cause the real ones tried stopping her. She dated some random Barista waiter, then some Churiwala at a Mela, then some other churiwala in some thin lanes of an old city market.

SN is a pretty and dumb girl, asked out by many young intelligent sons of other IAS, businessmen family friends, but she never seemed to like them. Always found flaws in them. Their arrogance, their flirtatiousness, their lineage, there was an excuse not to be wooed, also cause she already had her heart set on either of these churiwalas and waiters. An issue we thought would get sorted as she grows up and her parent's find her a suitable boy. But none that you hope, happens.

SN decided to marry MA. MA had fun with SN without any intentions of marrying her. SN had decided, he was the man she always wanted to be with. MA asked for sex, and she refused, only to bring back the old Hindi movie back in picture. She coaxed him into marrying her, and her parents who are still not happy with this decision of hers.

They have set up a place for the couple, a salon-cum-jewelery store, hoping they will settle themselves in their respective careers. MA's seven uneducated unemployed brothers have been employed in that salon and has taken over her jewelery store as well. He disses SN's advices and decisions regarding their business, calling her too dumb for it and intends taking over the entire business on his own. He has already started to. SN's parents have got them a house too, where the couple will live with MA's first mom, while the second mom and father shall peacefully stay in MA's village.

MA comes from a conservative uneducated Muslim family and SN, from a liberal educated Hindu one. This union is not about class differences and religious differences, but simply about the two ends they come from. It is about the difference in which they look at their relationship. SN is blinded by love and MA, by the convenience that has come with it for him and his family.

As I sat beside her during her Nik'ah, my heart bled. Do the parents even know, whatever she is repeating after the Mullah, after her 'Kabool Hai', was her conversion into a Muslim? No, they did not. And I did not have the heart to tell them, NOW, your daughter has successfully been converted without your knowledge. It is okay, only if they knew about it, but unfortunately they didn't. The father was refused to sign on her Nik'ah Nama (Muslim Marriage Certificate) because he is not a Muslim. Does it get worst than this? Yes. SN has already forgotten about what her parents have done for her and is totally unthankful, rude and her reply to every suggestion or word from her parents' is 'I am a married woman, now!'.

Personally, it is beyond me and no one on this planet can expect respect from me if they have none for their parents. My heart sank deeper as I saw her running towards her now-husband, as her parents walked towards her to hug her, without even noticing them.

Did she stop for a moment and think twice about her decision? About the circumstances that this decision will put her in? There is an absolute class, culture, religion, family, traditional change for her. Was she ready for it? Or was she only ready for a husband, who is clearly marrying her only for the material conveniences? The man and his family only agreed to this marriage after they had weighed down all that was coming with this inter religion union. But had she? Her parents did and they did try stopping her. We tried coaxing her into 'thinking twice', but for once, she was not easy to influence. She cried after her engagement over the sudden changes in MA. In the way he treated her, their business and the love that she thought they shared. She agreed on the fact that he might be with her only for what comes with her, not cause of her, and she still seems okay with it? She clearly has remained a fool in the years gone by.

As loved ones, we can now, only pray for her well being and a happy married life. I, only hope that the love she married MA for, only grows between the two and no problem or unexpected issues come her way. May she adjust beautifully in this different world without any pressures, troubles and taunts. This is not the ideal family, her family must have imagined her being a part of, but this remains the truth for the rest of their lives.

Nature has once again won over Nurture. Their years of protectiveness and upbringing could do nothing in front of the strength of her original origin. She is back in the kind of family, she probably came from. Being brought up in a certain way did not change a thing in her attitude or her interests or her thoughts.

She is one example I don't want to look at when I suggest adoption to my sister. I'd rather be a surrogate mother to my sister's children. Something I have been thinking of very seriously. Something that I intend doing for her, if only I ever find a man to marry who feels and agrees to the same. My sister was never for adoption while I always pushed her for it, and now when she is considering it, I want to stop her, I want to tell her, she is not strong enough to endure the pain that SN's parents did. What if nurture fails in her case too? She'd rather have someone from the family than somebody completely unknown. Than somebody who would know it all her life that my sister is not her real mother and despite my sister being a mother, the child may not act like a daughter.

We all need to stop and think twice before such big decisions. Adoption or Marriage is not a Blog Post, that one can rely on impulse. They are life changing decisions. They have to be thought over, they have to be weighed, they have to be calculated and studied. They need your full attention, they need you to be prepared with anything and everything unseen that comes with it. It is all a maze, you never know where you land up.

Love 'n' Peace.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

And they lived 'Satisfied' ever after!

There are no happy stories. Only illusions. What if you found out Cinderella's Prince cheated on her with one of her step sisters? What if the Little Mermaid missed her life under sea so much that she was always unhappy despite marrying the love of her life and living on land, as she always wanted? Would these stories really end with 'And they lived happily ever after'?

I see people wanting to get laid. Unsatisfied in their marital sex lives. Sexual flings with colleagues/clients/bosses. Insecurity in relationships. Men and Women walking into hotels seperately, meeting in the same room. Leaving seperately at the gap of 10-15 minutes. People from the world thronging porn sites, releasing themselves in front of screens with men and women mating, you have no clue about. Mating with men and women you just met at the bar or the dance floor. Thronging sex chat sites, jerking off to some Miss sluttypussy or fingering for some Mr. BigBlackCock. All for, sexual pleasures and satisfaction. But, is there any, really?

I log onto sex chat sites, for the fun of it. There is some stupid fun in seeing people pinging you 'Ill tear your husband's favorite thongs and pound that wet smooth pussy.' It is hilarious, really. Like, you have no clue who I am, I could tell you I am some Blondie from Amsterdam, who is married and fantasizes her son and you would have a hard on. Like, really? Are you serious when you say you want me to roleplay your daughter's friend on chat? Hah. Its funny. I have never gone beyond these two lines on any of these sites. They make for a hilarious time killer and an interesting study too.

Thousands of lonely horny people, who want to get on top of you (men and women) just for releasing themselves. It is sad. It is weird when I hear of married couples cheating on their spouses. When I see friends having sex with their bosses for 'fun'. When I see men and women amidst a large group yet sharing this immense sexual tension. Trying so hard to seduce the other. Flirting with each other. The world is at it every second. Amelia had a good curiosity, how many people in this world are having an orgasm as I type this? We are sometimes worst than animals who are so desperately looking for sex. More than companionship, we are looking for some 'action', yet crying ourselves to sleep cause the bed is just full of your mess and cushions, but no arm to embrace you, no lips to kiss your forehead while you are asleep. Its funny to me. Its something I dont understand, yet am a part of it, in some ways.

I see myself in either an unhappy marriage or unhappy being lonely n single. There is no medication for happiness. No solution. No reason big enough. Definitely nothing genuine to make you genuinely happy either. What are we all doing with our lives? Wasting in waiting, in some unbelievable hope? Or Moving on accepting the cynism and just treating sex as a daily need, like food. Sometimes you get great food and sometimes, distasteful. Has feeling Sexy replaced feeling Special? Has Lust taken over Love? Where is the love from our lives missing? Why do we like to believe we are the only ones who want a genuine partner and the other person in this world is incapable of giving us that? Why have we given up on relationships? On life? On love? On happiness? On content? Do they really exist or did they die the moment we all stepped out of our parents' homes. For me, it did. And for you?

Friday, October 29, 2010

Bitching about Dogs!

Some may find it weird and cheap but I love to sit on pathways, talking and observing people, occasionally, with my smoke. The world seems different and you seem more approachable to the world.

Sitting doing my occasional thing with two of my girlfriends discussing family, pressures, friends, boyfriends, men, women, girlfriends over one smoke after another. Advising, Arguing, Laughing and Crying.

"I think that guy is good looking."
"Which one?"
"Wait. The girl is weird... Whats with good looking men taken by ugly... Oh Fuck!"
"What happened?"
"The guy is ugghhly. He looked nice through the glasses of the store."
"And the girl is nice."
"Yeah. I Love what she is wearing."

"All girl's have this problem", a random guy who almost stole my new lighter (he borrowed and was not returning. :P), talking over the phone.

We burst into laughter like young teenagers, who find every random thing funny.

"I think he is having girlfriend troubles."
"I think he is breaking up."
"Or maybe she is breaking up. He looks like he could cry."
"All men are the same. Cry babies who just can not move on."
"Well... we did not ask for personal experience talking here."
"Exactly PL."
"Shut up RM."
"On second thoughts RM you have been talking to poor PL as if you have four boyfriends. Spare her your stupid invalid advices. You have no idea what she has been talking about for an hour."
"Oh Puhleez! I am the one who had four boyfriends. So, I am more experienced."
"That does not show cause you apparently do not even know the importance of 'who hangs up first' in a fight."
"Oh! You two have weird ideas about relationships."
"Me hanging up first in a fight and he calling back is so cute."
"PL! You are in love."
"I don't know about that. But he is cute. Considerate."
"It was never really an issue with me, but yeah, it feels nice if the person calls you back and well you have hung up and thrown all the tantrums, yet are being pampered back. Ofcourse its special. G always called back. Sometimes I hung up just so he calls back."
"Well, Once I did try hanging up but my phone got hung and the call could not end. So, I called him back from my landline and then banged the phone."
"See, so you did too."
"Yeah. I guess."
"But I think he is very cute."
"PL! DATE HIM! What part of it do you not understand?"
"I can not date him over the phone, right? He will be back in December. I will meet him then and then talk to him face to face about it."
"PL, you guys are already informally dating. You two talk, flirt and even have lovers' fights."
"Yeah, but I dont know. He is just too cute."
"We get the point, PL!", simultaneously.
"But dating him would mean losing allot of my friends."
"Is it about ST?"
"ST has been extremely moody ever since I told him about this guy."
"Well, he is human. He has been wooing you for over a year now."
"But I can not see him beyond a friend. He is just too sweet."
"So, if a guy is sweet he is not date-able and if he is cute he is totally worth it?"
"Yeah L. You got it!"
"But then he will understand. He will get over it if you are good friends."
"He is a man RM. He wont!"
"Men are terrible at taking rejections and break ups. They just take it too harshly."
"Look at ST, DV, PD, etc. etc. etc. (she really had a long list of good friends turned Romeos). They have all stopped talking to me after a while. I have only been losing friends this way."
"Thankfully, I have been lucky that way."
"But I swear, if this guy does not work out. I am giving in and getting married."
"How does it matter? You will anyway be married to someone from Doon, only."
"Argh! I hate that bit."
"Why? Whats with Doon?"
"ST from Doon, this cute guy from Doon, DV from Doon, this other random guy I was being fixed with by my friends was also from Doon. Like Really!"
"LOL! Take it or Leave it. You are destined to be married off to a Doon guy."
"I think I attract the wrong guys."
"Its not about the city my love."
"It is! They all are so hung up! Something is wrong with Doon boys, I tell you."
"Well, maybe you were some Doon Princess in your last life and all these men must have woed you but died in the process. :P."
"I don't know, L. Life is a mess."
"Its not. Date the cute guy."
"Yeah. I guess I will."
"You must! You are informally dating yet restricting yourselves from saying and doing things just cause you two are not 'dating' but are still behaving like a couple in other ways."
"Thats true. I do stop myself many times cause its not like..."
"We are dating, but we are... You two will hang in the middle forever like this, then. JUST MEET HIM AND DATE!"
"Okay! Let him come back!"

After two hours of all kinds of crap.

"Excuse me?"
Returning the Lighter.
I smile. And then he sits beside me.
"I hope you all do not mind me joining you."
"Actually I just wanted to ask you one thing."
"Is it really easy for women to just break up without any reason."
"(WTF? Where did that come from?", all three faces said that.
"Umm... Well... Can not generalize, can we?"
"I was dating this girl for a year and now she calls and says she does not feel for me anymore."
(Which part of that does not qualify as a reason?)
"Umm... Maybe she has some issues she has not told you about or is going through a phase and will be fine in a while."
"If she had an issue she would have told me, for sure."
(I do not like over confident boyfriends. Women love their men to guess but men... Sigh!)
"Well, then talk to her about it."
"I did but she has no explanation."
(She just said she does not feel for you anymore, Loser!)
"Give it some time. If it works out, it works out. But if she still has no explanation then let it go. It will not work out. Accept it."
Almost crying, "Tch. How could she..?"
Looks back at us, "Anyway, I am so and so from Doon. You are?"
PL looks away.
"She is PL."
"Thanks for the help."
"TC. Bye."

We both turn to PL and laugh our asses off.
"This guy is not getting an explanation and that girl is getting no peace. Period."

Love 'n' Peace.


Saturday, October 2, 2010

Strangers on a Train

Just an hour left before my short break at Home finishes. I like visiting home even when no family member is there. It still is home and I feel relaxed. I decide to pamper myself with a steam bath before I leave and so I go for one, close to my house. My insides feeling drained and relaxed, my skin can breathe. As I stroll back home, I notice the Colony Park has been renovated and there are new swings. I can never hold myself when I see one. Guess it fulfills my wish to fly high in its own little way. And so I did.

I picked up my pace slowly. My legs thrown in the air. My back curved. My head, now just looking at the dark clear sky, with shimmering dots that we call stars. The moon, I could not see, the barks of a big tree came in between. If you ever want to see me genuinely happy and smiling and laughing to myself, place me on a swing. I laughed as I got higher. Kids who thought they were playing and having fun, looked at me and thought twice. The young boy talking to his girlfriend as he walked around the pathway, smiled in a I-am-Happy-to-see-you-Happy way. The kid next to me decided to compete on the swing with me, but I, I was just oblivious to it all. All, I could really see was that sky, I wanted to touch with my feet. All, I could feel was my heart floating, a smile that would substitute a silent laugh, the cool breeze filling my hair. Sigh! It was just the perfect end of a short sweet holiday at home, I thought.

I was late, rushed to the station to catch my Train back to where I (do not) belong. I reach in time and settle. What I hate about Train traveling alone is other weird men traveling with you and ogling at you. I can not even run away anywhere. This time, it was different. I decided to settle myself and tuck in with a book before anyone else took their berths to avoid any kind of contact. I make my bed and leave to get a bottle of water, I come back to see this decent looking young man settling in. After settling he sits and does the usual passenger thing, talk endlessly on the phone, making calls to several people, talking about how he has been offered to perform in the South Asian Festival, how he needs to get back and finish designing the poster, etc., etc. (No. I was not eves dropping. You can hear when someone is sitting almost beside you.)

Despite being engrossed in my book, my interest was divided. I thought many times as I flipped my pages to ask him what I was most curious about. About his profession. It was performing arts for sure, but which one? The train had started and the other four passengers who had to apparently join us in our section did not exist. Ours was the only section with only two berths taken, his and mine.

Finally, I kept my book aside when he kept his BB aside.

"Excuse me? Are you into theater?"
"From here or there?"
"Oh! What group, if I may ask?"
"Dadadada. Have you heard of it?" (No, that is not the name. I am just playing my anonymous self. :P)
"Actually yes. Is it in association with xyz NGO."
"My friend runs that NGO."
"You mean TC is your friend?"
"Yes. TC and there was this other guy VS."
"Yeah. He has now moved abroad."
"Yes. I am still in touch with him and TC is getting married next month."
"Yeah... Wow. Small World."
"Indeed. Infact I remember I was once looking for theater artists for some work once and TC had made talk to somebody over the phone from probably your theater group itself."
"Are you LSL by any chance from xyz?"
"Now, I recognize you. You were there for these events too, right?"
"Yeah. I was. Whoa!"
"You have now moved away?"

And that was just the beginning. We spent hours discussing theater, literature, our fields of work, the limitations and aspirations. The entire train was asleep and our lights were all switched on. One thing led to another. We shared stories. Reviewed them, discussed them. Discussed works of others and our own. The conversation got intimate by the minute. We talked about personal problems, passions and wishes. Frustration, Hope, Love and Comfort, all mixed in that conversation of ours.

"OMG! Its 3:00 am."
"I did not even realize."
"Same here. I guess we should goto sleep now."
I smiled, "Good Ni..."
He interrupted, "Do you smoke?"
"Err... Yes."
"Do you want to come out for a smoke?"
"Most definitely."
We talked some more as we lit our cigarettes. The conversation outside continued about arts and interests. We lit another one and then another, until we realized we should really be sleeping now. We moved back in.

"I am actually a night person."
"So am I. It is hard to put myself to sleep in the night."

And that was just the beggining of another conversation. Now, the lights had been switched off. We both were tucked in in our berths, with almost shut eyes and talking endlessly about just theater, about my interest in the same. About our writings, about cinema. He shared how he wanted to weave a story around something and we spent the night giving that concept a rough shape, making a story about the concept he had. He had narrated some six scripts he had worked upon, to me, now. I narrated some of mine too, but obviously my story telling lacked the theatrical expression he had.

He performed, acted parts from the script he narrated. There was love for arts and theater pouring out of his body with every silent expression, with every word he spoke. I could marry him at that point of time just being mesmerized by his true love and focus for what he really wants to do in life. By now, we could see some light from the window.

"Freak! Its morning. We must sleep a little before our train reaches our destination."
"Yeah. Good Night."
"Good Night."

We just lay looking out of our windows, knowing neither of us was sleeping or even remotely sleepy.

"You know there was this script by so and so about... "
"If you narrate me one more story, I will fall asleep."
"Uh Okay. I am sorry."
"No. I did not mean its boring. Its just so tempting to goto sleep when someone is narrating a story."
"Yes. It really is. In that case, you listen and you will probably get some sleep too that way."
"Mmmm. No. I'll listen without going to sleep."
"Believe me its a nice story and you will love to sleep listening to it."
"Uh. Okay. Thanks!"
"So, there was this...."

His voice soft, his narration vivid. With just a smile sticking to my face, I do not remember when I slept. Next day, he woke me up because I was still sleeping and our station had arrived.

"It was really nice meeting you."
"Really. Same here."
"It is really nice to meet people with similar interests. I have friends but none who may like to talk about these things as such."
"Hhhmmm. By the way, I am sorry about last night. The story was really so sweet that it put me in a slumber."
"Its okay. It was my pleasure."
"But I still have not heard the entire story."
"I noticed you went of to sleep, so I stopped mid way."
"Did I start snoring, by any chance?"
"LOL. No."
"Whats your number? I'll inform you when we are performing here."
"Yes, please do. I would love to come and see your work. Its ..... Just give me a missed call so I can have yours too."
"Got it?"
"Yeah. I am sorry, I forgot to ask you your name?"
"BP. Nice meeting you. All the Best."
"Nice meeting you too. All the Best to you for all your work and International festivals."
"Hope to see you soon. Bye."
"Bye. Take Care."

We walked out together till a point where we shook hands, bid farewell with a smile and turned in opposite directions.

We have all dreamt of having long conversations with strangers you may never meet again but they remain on your mind for long, sometimes forever. I am glad it happened. It was random. It was strange. It was special, in its own way. It was only now, that my short sweet holiday was over. God had been kind. :-)

Love 'n' Peace.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

Jump and Fall

The World falls in two categories - One that is in Love and One that is looking for love. Who said Love was easy? Neither being in it nor looking for it. Specially, when ironically it surrounds you. We just fail to see it, always. And take the leap into the shallow side of the pool. Cause its just so safe to.

My friends are getting married. All of them together around the same time and the rest looking for the 'perfect' match. The one who will perfectly fit the family and who will be fun to be with too. By the end of the day, its all a matter of perspective. Its all about what you bring out of them. By the end of the day, is what you make of them and what they make of you. If its good, its meant to be. But then, who said rules apply? Who said making lists and ticking them off every time you meet someone for a date would make you love them. Its again just convenience. Its calculative (read Manipulative). Snap out of it!

I have made the mistake of mixing my logical reasoning mostly when it came to love, but then that is not love. Love is true when it takes over you completely. It takes over your life. In true Bollywood style, makes you sleepless, makes you smile and cry for no reason, makes you think of that special someone all day, every second (without exaggeration). Love is madness. It is maddening. You maybe aware or afraid of the consequences but how will you know whether you were right or it was just an assumption until you make the effort to find out. But no, we are too protective about our feelings. Just too scared to shed off each piece of emotion that makes us. That defines our true being. That we feel so deep within that we stay shut in our closets, layered in different emotional clothing. Believe me, the reason you feel hurt is because you are trying so hard to compress what is meant to be just OUT THERE. Something that maybe yours, but is for somebody else. Your heart is beating for you, but the moment you skip that beat cause of that someone, they have a right on that heart too. Go, give it off. What do we have to lose? What do we have to give anyway in this world, except love? The heart is not completely yours, anyway. Might as well offer it.

Believe you me, you will regret staring at the ceiling, lying on your death bed, not telling that someone you loved them. Even if it meant, loving them for just a day. You might lose the person, but your sweet memory will stay with them forever. You will eventually land in the place you desired. That special space in her/his heart, after all.

Just take that leap. Afraid of falling? Dont be! Cause unless you fall, you will never be able to rise and walk again. And if you feel unable to get up, someone will come your way and pick you up. Just let them help you. DO NOT shut yourself. Your heart will only cry in pain more, for lack of chance to love again. For lack of feeling special again. For lack of sleeplessness, being occupied every second with the thought of just one person. It will yearn for more love for revival. It will cry only and only to you until you throw it in unexpected hands who plays with it, caresses it, teases it, touches it, kisses it and makes it smile again.

Just, Jump and Fall. Fall in Love. Love for the sake of humanity. Love, Let Love in, Let Love talk. Let it act all crazy. Keep your logical bullshit away from it. It is a free bird. Let it fly. Let it dive. Let it flutter. Let it fall. Let it catch its flight. Just Love, because that is what keeps us close to our real selves. Keeps us human.

Love 'n' Peace.


With love, love and more endless unconditional mad free love.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Come Undone

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone...

A lit Cigarette. Craving for pot. An Overdose of Chocolates. And a Cluttered Mind

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Just fooling around."
"As in?"
"As in doing nothing. Just sitting. You tell me. Whats up?"
"Nothing...just back from work an hour ago. Hectic day at work. Finalized PPT."
"To be honest and not beat around the bush - I'm feeling very horny and want to take you somewhere."
"Where do you wanna go?"
"No where."
"What are you wearing?"

And then I didn't reply. He did not ping again either. I guess G finally got the hint that I was not interested.

All of this at the end of the day that had probably been one of my worst and guilt stricken, filled with anger. I had taken a Pregnancy Test in the morning. The night before that was sleepless and the pillows wet. I was not guilty of having unprotected sex with that random acquaintance as I was of having protected sex with G.

I was made to feel so guilty about making out with that random acquaintance by G that I apologized for days for hurting him, which I did mean, but today when I look back at what happened in the past two months was totally uncalled for. That random guy came and left. No emotions involved. But when G happened last month, he came with a bag full of emotions. Emotions that were his and mine. I withheld. I did not want to disregard my treasure packed in that bag.

We were meeting for the first time after our Break up. This was an important day cause I was now entering the 'uncomfortable zone', according to a friend. And just like it is hard for me to write further, it was equally hard to walk with him into the room instead of a public place to just 'talk things out'. I knew what I was getting into but with some senseless hope in me I walked with him that we will not end up the way we always had. But we did. I stopped myself. I stopped him. But I was now vulnerable. I could not think straight anymore. My entire emotional treasure in his bag had been thrown on me. I was loaded till my forehead. I could not see. I could not walk straight. I tried being careful but it didn't help. "We have done this before. This is not unusual for us, baby." Yes it was not if our emotions and relationships had not changed. I gave in, with just one thought in my mind. Maybe this will end it. Maybe this will make me guilt free of hurting him. Maybe he will get over me after the so called 'Break up sex'. Maybe he will forgive me for just walking out of his life. Maybe he will let me go. Maybe I will get over this pain. This guilt. Maybe the collision of thoughts will stop. Huh.

I buried my face in the pillow like a cranky spoilt child. I took his hand and put it around me. I wanted a hug, not a cock. I wanted us to talk about us and not go back in our old days of 'us-dom'. He found me getting cranky like a child and wanting a hug funny. He laughed as I contemplated my decision of walking out of the room or staying in and giving this a shot as a shot to 'make up' to him for what I did to him. As I said, I really was not thinking. The thought was just just so stupid.

We had sex. I stared at the wall in front of me as I lay on my stomach, feeling like a slut, as he pumped himself in. He went on to being his kinky self, "Whose whore are you, Miss Luscious Sealed Lips?" And I cried. I cried in pain that came from within. I stopped him. I could not take it anymore. Neither his cock nor the turmoil within. I locked myself in the rest room wanting to howl and kill myself for what I was doing. I walked out, without wanting to look at him and give a sweet kiss. I lit my cigarette. I sat. Tried talking about 'us' for just maybe five minutes. Looked at him and asked, "Do you like playing with my hair, G?" He looked at it. Placed his hand and said, "Of course." I smirked inside. We hugged. We kissed Goodbye.

Friend messaged asking, "How did it go?", and I had no answer. But I knew, no matter what, this had done me more good than damage. I was not guilty anymore. I was not guilty of comparing him to that gentle random acquaintance who spent an entire night holding my hand tight and burying his face in my hair. I was not guilty of walking out of this relationship anymore. I was now more clear about what I wanted. About how kink was so not my thing. Of every time I gave into kink with him was never fun. It left me feeling like a slut as he called.

Sex without wanting it bad, whether out of love or hormone, is not my thing. And if you think I will be your ever ready ex girlfriend-turned-fuck buddy, No! I am sorry. I do not know how to tell you this. But, no, you just would not understand the innumerable hints. Baby, I have loved you, genuinely. Please, I have reached the stage where I would cry in front of you and beg, Please let go of me. Please I really am not in the condition to give in to your wishes. I want you to be my sweet memory and a good friend, not your cute ex girlfriend who is still hot in bed with you.

My heart sinks everyday in the night when I look up at my ceiling reviewing my life. I feel like a slut. You were not meant to make me feel this way, but if this is how it works, then so be it. I know you are not wrong at your end. I have not been strong enough to take a stand. I have not been direct with you. I should have given you a fair chance, I didn't. I have screwed up. Alot. I have messed up your life and mine. But now, I want to walk away. I want to run into a corner in the hills, pierce my heart and let it bleed. It would ache everyday. It would cry every night. But it would shed no tear.

I want to cry. I want no shoulder. I want to jump off the cliff and let it out as I fall down. I want my body to float in thin air with no strings attached. I have fucked it up. I am at fault. I ruined it for G. I ruined myself. Walk away from me G before I do you any more damage. I can not forgive myself once again, for what I did to you, for what I am doing to you still, for what has become of me. Walk away for yourself. I do not want anybody. I know how to take care of myself. I will mess it up more than once, but I will learn.

I do not know what I have said in the post above. It is a cluttered mind put on web. After seven discarded posts came a lit Cigarette. Craving for Pot. An Overdose of chocolates. And a Cluttered Post.

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - I have had God's support and genuine prayers and support of friends, my test proved negative. :)

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Yes, I believe in Magic!

Amidst a storm of bad days, relationships, each one of them, not even one spared from the curse, today I was left feeling different. My silences grew. Faking a bad mood has gradually become difficult, equally has the need for expressing it. I wrote posts over the past 45 days, not once but many times. Some complete and some not, but they never made me take my mouse click to 'Publish Post'. They had so much, all about the moods, the conversations, the events, some funny and some tragic, but they lacked the feeling I have after I write a post. I have never written for the heck of it. Hence, I would never post for the heck of it either. Be it my first time experience of a bikini wax or drunk making out with my best friend's boyfriend's best friend (yeah... long connection there). My honest confession to G about it and what came after that or terrible fuck ups with family, flat mates and friends. There was nothing bad in terms of relationships that has not happened all together in just a span of these 45 days. I am not over it. I am somehow, now accepting it in different ways. A little compromise. A little ignorance.

All of this and then he called. He called and narrated an entire two day weekend plan. My first reaction was "Are you fucking mad? You think I am going to spend my entire weekend with YOU?" I did not mean to sound that way but I did not want to go ahead with this long plan either. But I don't know. I did. We caught up for the match, drinks, dinner, another match, drinks, all with his friends and mine, making it a huge group of over 10 people. It was fun. Slowly, I started liking my decision. We spent more time over the weekend. Talked. Remained silent. Had tea in silence over looking the sky. He remarked in the car as we were moving with his two friends for brunch, as planned, "I am assuming there will be a very intense post coming from you today." I made me usual 'What?' face. "You have been thinking too much today. You have been very silent." I had. I had allot on mind. About life, about a bitter conversation with mom and sister just a moment back, about my career, about relationships, about their meaning in my life, about the 'doormat syndrome' he talks about, about the inner peace that was calming all the puzzled thoughts dancing in my head, thanks to the view from his friend's pent house balcony.

Throughout the weekend, the only two times I remember us 'talking', was him stopping me from smoking every time I would get up to go out for a smoke and a lame drunken sleepy weird conversation, after we had hit the bed, which I don't even remember. It doesn't matter because we can talk and be silent at the same time. Comfortable with everything. When we talk, our conversations begin from somewhere and end somewhere. They are very random and sensible, both at the same time. Its funny. We open up to each other like strangers do. It was pretty evident when I spent some three to four days, straight being online waiting for him because I wanted to talk about G and I knew, despite G being there, despite great friends, it was only he I wanted to speak to. It is something I never understood, and before I left for a one week break and my last night chance of catching him online, he finally did come and we spoke all night, about each other, about G, about me, about G and me. He gave me his number. I told him where I was. The disclosure came with forced hesitance but naturally it was all flowing. My anonymous Blogger ethics were stopping me but the real me was not.

And that was just the beginning. Six months down the line, we have seen several movies together, hung out with each other's friends, had night stays and fights too. Today as he drove me back home, we admired the sky and sat silent. The weekend plan of watching Argentina v/s Germany had changed because he had to get home. I left too. I knew there was something. The silence was comfortable. His stupidity and drunken funny dance moves did not make the sophisticated me raise an eyebrow. His kinky jokes and random messages were not judged. There was a connection. There was what the movie we just came out of said "Magic". Yes, I like to pretend that I do not believe in it but secretly, I do. We know it for a fact that we share a connection. Something, that is not found in all relationships, mostly craved for and not found in the romantic ones. This is not a romantic relationship. This is just a relationship which would remain in my memory forever whether we remain in touch for that long or not.

It is the connect you form with a person immediately and you know it will stay. Because, its a relationship built solely on that and has nothing else to offer or take. It is not what most call a step to fall in love. It is just plain connect. Some heroes find it in their bartenders and some heroines in that stranger old man sitting by the riverside. I just found it in a Blogger friend.

Its comfortable. Its crazy. And its nothing romantic. Its not something all understand. Its what I call the 'MAGICAL CONNECTION'.

Love 'n' Peace.


Saturday, May 15, 2010

My First!

"Happy Birthday."
"Thanks baby"
"So, What plans for tomorrow?"
"The regular. Office. Mom. Grand mom. Dinner with friends, if they remember to wish me."
We talk for a good one hour about here, there and everywhere.
"You know L, every time I get horny, its only you I think about."
"Uuumm. Okay."
"Every time we did it on my bed. On my couch. In the kitchen. On your bed. In that room during our vacation."
And the list went on about all places we made out, kissed and were desperate to tear off each other's clothes.
"Aaa. Yeah."
"How I wish you were here with me right now."
"No. I do not think that is a good idea."
"Its not like we have not done it before."
"Yes, we have. But, this will just make things more complicated."
"Look, if you think, us having sex will make it all emotional for me. I assure you it will not. Its just casual sex. No strings attached."
"Look, you have been into casual sex. I haven't. I don't think I can ever be comfortable with it."
"L, its me."
"I know, it is you. Probably that is the reason why it is slightly more awkward."
"Do you want to do it?"
"Then you must know that this will not complicate things between us."
"I just do not know."
"You have no idea how hard, your playing hard-to-get has gotten me right now."
"Uumm. Okay... Maybe we should end this conversation here."
"Don't tell me you are not turned on right now."
Long time relationships make you feel like a fool. The other person knows you bloody too well.
"Yes. I am."
"What are you wearing?"
And that was it. We had phone sex after, I guess five months.
"Fuck! This was my first time."
"You liked it?"
"I don't know. I.. I just had my first casual sex." (Yes. PHONE SEX COUNTS!)
"Thank you, my love."
"Fuck! This was fucking good."
"Told you."
We talked a little more about here, there and everywhere.
"Good Night baby."
"Good Night Birthday Boy. Big Hug! Big Kiss!."
"Right back at you."

After 10 minutes, I pick up my phone again.
"What was this? Birthday Sex or Break-up Sex?"
Beep. Beep.
"Break-up Sex has a sense of finality to things."
I smiled. Curled. Slept.

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - His Birthday month and I get a present too. Ms. R bestowed upon me the 'Cherry on Top Award.' Thank you, sweetheart. :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Winds of Change

I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up, has always been the hardest thing
Until you came

So lay here, beside me, just hold me, and don't let go
This feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You climbed my walls

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Off you
Off you

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
And oh this feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Almost a year back, when I shifted here, I came because I was done living in my hometown. I thought i had almost exhausted all possibilities for my career and it was great. Now, it was time to grow more, get to a bigger city, make it bigger, live a bigger life, a new one, with new experiences, new people. I will not say I was not prepared for what I was stepping into. I knew the place, I knew how the people are going to be like, I knew it was not going to be easy for me and I knew, I might change too.

I am mostly typical. My attitude is repetitive when put in similar situations. Every time I am in a new space, I am usually very quiet and shy. I find it hard to be all free, hyper and jumping, like my real self. I come across as formal and arrogant. G thought I gave him attitude too in our first conversation. But I do open up slowly, always. I am not anonymous to all my readers too. One found out, one I opened up to. As much as I may stop myself from trusting people, I just give in. I just open up and end up feeling weak as a person because a closed person always for some reason feels more secure about their secrets, an open person can not. At least, I do not. I feel helplessly weak. I feel like I have been robbed off all that is mine, off all the truth that belongs to me, that is mine. I have shared it, and now it is gone. But that is not all. What is worst is when you want to be yourself but can not. Not because some one's judgement about you is stopping you. But being the real you is making you weak. When your weakness is not the truth about you but the true you.

I know I have changed. I can see it. Feel it. Conscience about it. Dont like it. Yet letting it happen to me. I have done, said things i should not have but I did because they were important. Because I had to stand up for myself. Sometimes, actually mostly, standing up for self meant stooping down but that was the game and to survive, you have to play it dirty. I have never liked the people in this city. I have never liked the city. I find it hard to be like them. To adjust to their ways. Worst, people migrating here, become like them. Now, I understand why. Survival.

To survive, I have made my conscience change too now. Harsh words. Abuses. Rudeness. Shrewdness. Defending self with rude remarks on others. Things i have never known. Things i have never done. Things I do now. Just to survive. Just so I do not remain your punching bag and the butt of all your jokes, your source of entertainment, your simple innocent one who can be used and abused because I say nothing. I would not react to all this because initially I would be shocked at such a behaviour, with time, I did not say anything because I would find it hard to come down to your level. You would push me and I would go down deeper and deeper till I got suffocated. Till I could not breath. Till I re started thinking my decision. Till I sobbed for days in my pillow. Till you made me angry. Till your words pulled me up again, only to put me down to your level. And I did. My simple background. My simple upbringing. My manners. My endurance went for a toss. I am now, one of you. I locked myself in a room, thought for over two months about you. About how you treated me. About how my silence and patience with you became my dumbness and my stupidity. About how I was just another new girl in your city who needed to become one of you to get a visa to stay in your city. And I did. Now, you will not say much to me because initially I shocked you with my unexpected rude replies, as you did to me. Now you will not ridicule me, because now you are getting used to my snarky direct remarks on your flaws. Now you will compliment me even on the worst of my clothes because I might just turn around and snap back at you. Now, I am one of you, so you will not treat me like shit. Now, you will trust me because now even the thought of trusting my patience with you and your god damned city is dead. I smirk at your foolish change that you have to bring every time a new person becomes one of you. Hah. You are one useless piece of shit who will never know simplicity. Who will never know the true world because you are so complex ed. Because you can not trust the real people. But the clever ones will recognise the real balls and come to you. Now, I laugh till I sob myself to sleep because you are the butt of all my jokes. You are not my punching bag, but my boxing glove. You are just so shallow. You may have forced me to change but I never will at heart. I may have become one of you, but I can never be you. You are not a bad person but can make somebody a bad person by forcing them to change. How many of us do actually know how much to change and why, afterall? Thank God, I do.

And you thought I was having it easy here. And you thought I was having fun. Enjoying what I want to do. Enjoying the new 'friends'. Living a life I wanted to? Hah. I am having anything but fun. This is just an experience. An experience i analyze everytime i am alone. When you were there with me, even if it was just our short conversation on phone, I knew i had somebody who kept me close to the real me. You kept me so close to my true self that you made me weak. You made it harder for me to survive in this shithole with these loose tummy asses. I had to let go of you so that I could let go off my true self, even if it meant just on the surface. I tried looking for people around me to find my true self, but no one will ever know the true me the way you have known. The way you have touched the true me. Yes, it was about me. But if it was not this, then I would die. I surely would have. Just to survive, i not only changed myself, but my relationship with you. I had to detach myself from me, from you, who was a part of me. It was never easy. It still is not. Believing in fairy tales is becoming harder by the day. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is about 'us'. It is always 'you' and 'me'. It will never be 'us' again. It will never be 'me' for me, again. I have let you go just to get rid of the true me. I have lost more than I thought. Lost more than planned. Lost you. Lost me. Lost us.

Climbing these walls is hard. Slippery. I am being pulled down, but I will fight day and night with the asses just to survive with the hope that this survival will not be pointless by the end of it. This fight I will win one day and be my true self again, even if that means, being alone. Not like, I am not lonely, now. Your departure from my life may have made my fight easier but tolerating the smell of the shithole is still tough. Your smell helped me survive, but I guess that was not enough and that is why we are where we are. My fingers stop to type 'I Love You' here. I have to fight to write these simple words too. It's not that simple, baby. It's not. It just isn't. No.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Nerver Been Kissed.

"Someone once told me. To write well, you have to write what you know. And this is what I know."

This was to be written a week back but when I did start writing I ended up writing something I did not wish to write about. Or maybe something that did not make me feel too good once I wrote it, thus I never published it. But, after having watched the movie, I am re writing the whole post. I am guessing the way I have wanted to.

Just when Drew Barrymore threw her mic down on the Baseball field, my flatmate1 walked into the room and asked me to lock the door. She was leaving for a movie with her live-in boyfriend. About an hour before she left, my other flatmate2 left to be with her boyfriend for two days because she is taking an off, and even though her boyfriend is going to be busy, she plans to just sit beside him and probably chat with me online to kill her time. And, her boyfriend does the same. Comes over every weekend he is free, even when she is not and stays up all night playing Mafia Wars just to wake her up at an odd hour for her to complete the work or to see if her back pain is giving her trouble in her sleep. Yes, I often hear 'voices' too. But, they are mostly of they whispering or her boyfriend snoring. I guess they are pretty careful. Also, their good luck is that I sleep very sound and mostly early too.

The first two months of staying with Flatmate2, I kept convincing her about dating the guy she is. I always saw this beautiful connection between the two, and RM and I would always convince her and tell her how beautiful it is to be in a relationship. She started dating him just six months ago, just when RM broke up with her guy and now I broke up with mine. The funny thing is RM and I love having our 'Singleton is bliss' conversation and ignore my flatmate when she has a thing to say to us. Why? Probably because we already know how beautiful it is to be in a real relationship.

But I disagree. Honestly, I do not feel as if I have been in a real relationship. It is, more like, having an online or tele soul mate. I have been in two relationships so far. One that went for a good long four years with him sitting in the neighbouring country, visiting India, yet not my city. Hence, we NEVER met during our courtship period. We met just last year, when I went to his country, his city. We hugged and that was the end of our physical relationship. When G happened about two years back. I was not even thinking of being in a relationship. I was losing weight at I don't know what speed and was feeling great about myself. I had guys starting to hit on me. Honestly, the last time I really had guys hit on me was junior school. :P Even though the flirting was happening, I remember going on two dates as well, while I was talking to G and we discussed my miserable dates with these guys who would talk of how I made them feel that I hate men. Well, to a certain extent they were pretty right. In fact, if i met a two three more of their kinds, they would be hated for knowing me so well. G mailed one night, dropping his number because he would not be online and would like to talk to me. I smiled. Felt itchy. It was funny. I felt he was interested in me, but giving me your number puts me off. I like to take my time. I enjoyed talking to him but I did not know if I missed talking to him. Also, giving my number to an online friend whose blog makes me go weak in the knees or makes me roll on the floor with laughter, was something I would not do. Hence, I mailed back a polite short mail telling him "as for d call thing... im not too sure... so... until i den... v hav gtalk :) yay!! :D

c ya soon!! hav fun wt ur friend :)

tc..." I had to go through some 500 mails to copy paste it for you guys. :P And that was that, only for the next one week, until I broke my specs and could not see a thing on my computer screen. I vanished for about three days, but we mailed each other. Sometimes twice a day. Until, I messaged him one night and (like an asshole) he replied after 20 minutes. We got messaging. Then came the call. And the calls increased in duration and number by the day. The I-Like-You began. And at 5 a.m. in the morning, one day, out of nowhere we said 'I Love you'. It took just that one line for me to wake up next to K and break to her that I am going to have my first real relationship. We were excited. We jumped. She hugged. And, that was it. We were 'in a relationship'. In no time, we began discussing how he was going to propose to me for marriage and how we would have multi talented, multi ethnic children. It felt great. I honestly felt that I have never been this comfortable talking to any man in my life. Not even my best friend, AJ. It was beautiful.

Two months later, he managed to get a three day weekend and took a train without any reservation and travelled 50 hours just to see me for 10 hours. Something I would never allow myself to do, but I seemed to have broken all my rules when it came to G. I check into a hotel with him so that we can spend our 10 hours in peace and private. I knew today was the day I was going to get MY FIRST KISS, only this time I could not imagine it. Every time before that, I could always imagine different kinds, different places with different men, my first kiss. But this time, I knew it was coming, but how?

I was sitting on the chair and he on the bed. We sat and talked for about 5 minutes until he asked me to come over and sit beside him. I did. I was feeling shy and weird. It was my first time, like this. I was sitting with this guy for the first time and he was my 'first real boyfriend', whom I am going to kiss in sometime! He asked me to come closer. I moved an inch. We had our hands clasped and just when I was looking at the hands, I do not know what happened, but we were kissing. It took me about 20 seconds to talk to myself and make myself realise that this is a kiss. 'Kiss back', said my mind, next. And when I did, our clothes were off in fifteen minutes. No, we did not have sex. I was for some reason not comfortable getting my panties off. But, he came in front of me. (Something, that would qualify as weird in my dictionary, now. Why? What? What exactly were we thinking?) We made out some more and left for lunch. He talked me into sex over lunch and we bought a pack of condoms before getting into the room again.

We kissed. We made out. We got our clothes off, but he could not get an erection and I could not find my fucking hole! Now, when I look back at it, I find this hilarious and set out a sigh of relief. I am glad I did not have my first sex the day I got my first kiss.

But yes, I do regret having made out to that level or to any level for that matter. It was great. But, the first kiss just got lost somewhere. It was not meant to be that way. It was not meant to be in a hotel room. It was not meant to be without a moment of silence. Without facing each other. With breathing so heavily that you can actually feel each other's chests going in and out. Without having to look into each other's eyes and slowly lean towards each other. Slowly close your eyes and gently feel the lips settling on yours before you start kissing.

I really have no idea about how men imagine their first kisses, but for women, or girls for that matter, first kiss is a big deal. It always was for me too, until it just vanished in the making out and the stupid embarrassing two bra episode. Oh Fuck! I did not just write this. FUCK! What am I? On a spree of letting all my darkest secrets out to you guys? Okay, first the defence, I was not expecting us to make out. Or rather I was more excited about wearing that dress than the two bras. Yes! (hides her face with her hands and howls) I wore two fucking bras the first time I met G. Look! I could not help it. I was wearing a grey shirt and I could not find my 'proper' grey bra. So I wear my 'proper' black bra and then put on this other gray bra which was slightly lose, just so the other color bra does not show. Oh! Whatever. Argh. Now, you know it. Stop laughing! Argh. Argh. Argh.

Anyway, coming back to the point. Bang! Hits you straight on the head with the big fat book in front of me. Yes you! Come back to the main post and stop imagining and laughing at it. Huh. Yeah. So, the point being the first kiss.

G is an excellent kisser. Any of you girls who want to hook up with G now, will be lucky. He is an amazing kisser and fucking hot in bed. I doubt I am going to find anyone better than him in bed. ;) (How I hope I do, though ;)) Even when I did it with him for the first time. That was when I went to visit him for three days. The sex grew to be great. The first was painful. Your hole takes eternity to open up, especially when your first is about 7-8 inches, it is not even funny. But, what about my first kiss. G and I have had some beautiful kisses. Like, in the rain on a lonely bridge in the darkness of the night. Like, the secret stealthily kisses on the ferry. Like the long kiss in bed after sex. Like the recent kiss on New Year's Eve on the pathway, with the sea in front, beautifully decorated and lighted ships and ferries far away in the middle of the sea and fireworks in the background. But, those were not my 'first kiss'.

I am still waiting for it. When I had called up K after my first kiss to tell her about it. She said I was like the girl from 'Never Been Kissed', who took so long to get her first kiss. But K, I am still that Drew Barrymore who was the fat geek in school, yet popular and loved. I am that Drew Barrymore who is still fat but hopes to get her FIRST REAL KISS and pop her leg up or cry and laugh at the same time when she kisses.

Now, as I write the last line of my post. I will look around the fridge to eat something. Clean my room. Put on a new pink bed sheet and lie down with my book, alone because I have long hard day tomorrow, which will lead to an extremely relaxing weekend which I have not had in a long time. The weekend plan only involves my school close friend's engagement to attend. But coming back alone, knowing, I will not have somebody to come back to and creep into my bed just to put my head on his shoulders, get a kiss on my forehead and hear a soft 'Good Night' as he caresses me in his arms. Knowing when I wake up and want to laze in bed and just watch TV or movies with food on bed, I will have no one to cuddle with in my blanket. Knowing when I just want to read, I will not have a lap to rest my head on while he does his own thing. Knowing every time I have a hard day, I will not have supportive quick kisses to calm me down. Knowing when I am too happy, I will not be getting any tight long hugs. Knowing I am not getting a beautiful special kiss which is just meant to be a kiss for a very very long time. Till then, I will be the girl who has 'Never Been Kissed', still fantasizing about her perfect first kiss.

Love 'n' Peace.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

When the teenager inside you does not grow up!

Word of caution - This is going to be creepy!

What I talk about today is according to me the creepiest thing ever. You may judge hate whatever me. But this, my friend is the truth. And the only truth I have NEVER EVER EVER spoken about to ANYBODY. This is MY secret.

For the first time, at 15, I try curling my hair for a cousin's wedding. With my bunch of cousins we reach the venue and I immediately see him sitting beside the groom. My other cousin comes running to tell me how cute 'that guy' beside the groom is. In the next 15 minutes, she had managed to take all the information out and find out his name and place as well. A little later, I have my superly social mother call me and introduce me to some random people including 'that guy's' mum and 'that guy' and his brother. And just when I am done exchanging pleasantries with 'that guy's' mum and turn to say Hi to 'that guy', I notice a bunch of my other overtly excited teenage cousins nudging me and smiling at him. I still remember how awkward that moment was, and you could see 'that guy' loving every inch of it. He knew that all that attention was coming for him and began some random cute conversation with his brother, aloud. To be honest, I found the mom quite a snob. And 'that guy', dumb.

For the next whatever number of days my cousin was living with me, she would only rant about him. She in fact, got a key chain made of his name. Can you beat that!?! She was always crazy. Now, she is married to her Internet boyfriend.

After about a year or two, I see a familiar face looking back at me in the same way, at some random wedding. Thanks to my overtly social mother. And the round of hellos and hugging follow to fat aunties, sweet uncles, decked up girls and shy boys. My mother sends me to get her a glass of water and I come back to another random aunty and uncle, she is talking to. Once again, I am introduced to that 'snob aunty'. Wow. So, the face that that gave me i-am-familiar-with-you smile at the water cooler was 'THAT GUY'. Yes, he looked cute. He was cute after all, but he has a very very funny nose. The 'snob aunty' was a bitch. She introduced me to her husband as my mother's FUCKING SISTER, and then, "Oh! Sorry, Daughter." I could have punched her in the face. Just because I am fat and my face looks beaten up right now, does not mean I am 40! You fucking pretentious whore! I turn around and 'that guy' and I look at each other again. I sensed some stupid connection. And it felt nice.

After some months, I was chatting with my superly excited cousin. She had apparently gotten over him. Told her how I saw him at that wedding. She thought I had a thing for him too. I denied. It was not a complete lie, I would say. I did not crush for him. But, there was something. The kind of feeling you get when you think, this thing is more than just looking at each other at random weddings.

Then, after some years, came orkut. On a boring late night, I looked up for him. It was strange how I still remembered his name. I saw he had a blog. Checked it out and commented on it. From then on, we shared comments on each others' blogs. I knew whose blog I was commenting on. I don't think he did. We had our arguments. We had our agreements on our blogs. It tells you more about a person's mind. Then too, I never fell for him or felt attracted. Gradually, I stopped blogging and so did he. The comments stopped. The only direct connection with him was broken.

Some years later came Facebook and I noticed him on my cousin's husband's list. The first wedding where we had met. I check out his profile and find him in a different continent. He is in the same field as I am. This did interest me. Lucky me, he never had privacy settings. I could see all his wall posts and know not much but, vaguely about him and his life. In between, I meet my cousin and her husband with my mother. Over the years my mother and the 'snob aunty' have become friends. And my mum seems to be enquiring about 'that guy's' marriage. Yes, my mom is quite a match fixer too. She is always getting someone married. I guess, this comes from her being so overtly social and also being liked and trusted. I am a proud daughter of my mother.

I come back home and check his profile again. I do that for some one week and tadah! He is coming back to India. He he he. His wall posts told me that. ;) I also sort of found out that he is probably shifting back. Not too sure of that. Also, through his posts, I almost found that he has a girl fried or had and who she was/is. I cursed her. Prayed to God to conspire and make him meet me this time properly so that we become friends.

Gosh. After all this, I feel like a stalker. And for what? What the hell was I cursing/praying for? NO. I am not attracted to this man. I am NOT crushing on him. I am NOT in love with him. I am NOT... argh. What is it? It is confusing. Frustrating. Annoying. Fun. Gives me stupid teenage kick. Makes me giggle at myself. Makes me feel like a stalker, yes! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Okay. I have an answer. Of all the people from my 'community', he is the one who so far fits my comfort the most, which makes him more 'marriageable' to me, according to me. He is from my community. Yes, such is my love for my mother that as my age increases, this thing is being drilled into me like crazy. We belong to the same field of work. He drinks. Yes. He gets a bonus point here. He is decent looking, except for the nose. The nose is HUGE n WEIRD. It almost covers his face. He has a younger brother who looks like, he will be allot of fun to have a brother-in-law as. LOL @ myself. And, the mothers know each other. Though I doubt she will like me. Stupid Snob Aunty. Actually, for that matter, if I am having an arranged marriage I doubt any of these dominating 40-50 year old women would like me for their sons. They might just accept me because of my mom. Everyone loves my mom. *Proud of you mommy. How do you do this?*

So, I have been contemplating of re starting my blog and leave a comment on his blog to start a conversation once again. Sounds weird to me too. I am scaring myself. I feel psychotic after saying this, because I am stalking someone without a reason. Wow! What a brilliant time pass to have for almost a decade now. Gosh. I have no idea what I will do. And I definitely have no idea what plans does God have. But, it is this feeling inside of me that says, we will meet again. I just know it inside of me. This feeling is bloody strong, which is why I get restless and do whatever stalking I have done. There is something. What? Time will tell. And if it is 'nothing'. I will laugh it off because all said and done. 'That guy' makes me feel like a superly excited teenager crushing on the guy in the class opposite hers. It is fun not knowing him yet finding out about him. Not being attracted to him yet praying to meet him. Not knowing what this connection, this feeling is, but believing in it. He does make my life exciting. ;)

Love 'n' Peace.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Tik Tok on the Clock! But the part don't Stop!

My status message, "Why is same sex marriage not legal in this country? I would be so much happier spending my entire life with the love of my life, K. Gosh... Distance is really making the heart grow fonder. *Sigh*"

Her reply, "Oh my God! I want you, NOW! You surprise me time and again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you."

Her status message, "Wants L. Her laughter, smile, tears, love mean the world to K. Marry me L."

My reply, "I Do. (Background - And I now pronounce you woman and wife. You both may now kiss.) *SMMMOOOOOCCCHHHIIIEEE*"

I call. She answers.
"I Do."
"I Do too."
We burst into what I would call a fit of laughter.
"Gosh L. We must really get married."
"I swear. We would never get bored of each other. Have so much fun together. And be like the best couple ever."
'Men are very boring anyway."
"Also, you know I can not stay with one man all my life."
"Nor can I. We must seriously get married."
"I was so desperately calling you last night."
"Sorry baby. I was asleep. It was 3 when you called."
"LOL. Yeah. But guess what?"
"I was talking to HK last night and we got all so when are you coming to this place and stuff and he was like I am coming soon. My girlfriend is there. IMAGINE!!! My heart broke into pieces. I have been crushing on this fool since SCHOOL. I feel like such a loser. It is like donkey years. When would I get over him?"
"LOL. Who?"
"Some really ugly chick from our school itself. IMAGINE! I mean if he really had to date our school junior, I was fucking there!"
"I think you should tell him."
"Well, last night I was just so fucking bored that i thought I will finally tell him about this crush that I have had on him for like forever but then this stupid conversation about his girlfriend started and I wanted to shoot myself."
"Trust me L, remember how much I crushed on SN. The moment I told him I want to date him. I have not answered his calls since that day. I was over him."
"So telling him means me getting over him?"
"Maybe he getting interested in you. He is in a long distance with an ugly weird girl. Ofcourse he will break up."
"LOL. But this crush is just so much fun."
"We should be together I am telling you."
"I honestly think we will end up living with each other. Cause no man would want to live with me."
"K, Like we can tolerate the men in our lives for too long?"
"LOL! I Love you L."
"Yes baby I Love you too."
"But do you really not like my boyfriend?"
"I have not met him since you started dating him, K."
"Come on. He is just so cool. He is nice. He is a dentist. Plays the guitar. Is getting his belly pierced. Wow! And what else?"
"K! What else?"
"Yeah like what else are his qualities?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"
'Make some up to make me feel good."
"K! You two come here. I shall meet and judge him and then you shall get my approval."
"Oh! Please like him. He is really nice. I will tie him to a pole when you come here next."
"LOL. Cool.... Hey! Imagine Polygamy is not an issue with us too."
"Yeah. We shall easily get our lays here and there."
"Exactly. And no issues with living with ONE MAN all your life. How the fuck do other women manage? Men are such a boring pain."
"Those women are fools. We can share ours."
"Gosh. We must start living together soon before I kill myself."
"No No L, you are not killing yourself."
"Obviously I am. I have broken up. Other men do not interest me. People I am surrounded with otherwise are choots and I hate my work. Argh. So fucking clueless about life."
'Baby, chill! This phase will go away in two months. Happens with everybody."
"Yeah. And until then I shall hide myself and drown myself in work and not see anybody's face."
"LOL. Like not see anybody's face."
'Else I will end up slapping the world. Most people annoy me to the core."
"Okay. Chill. I will be with you very soon. And we shall live together forever. As of now, I will go eat."
"Fuck! I hate you! I want to have mom made food too."
"I will cook for you."
"Pasta? And that daal?"
"Yes my love, with your curd, humus and rice."
"Now I am a happy girl. The way to your spouse's heart is through the stomach afterall."
"LOL. Love you L."
"Love you too. Muaah."

Does life get better than this? NO FUCKING WAY! Nothing like having your girlfriends with you. And my best friend really does make my world go round. :) I Love you baby.

I am hooked to this chick party song. You just want to get dressed. Fight for the mirror. Share clothes make up shoes. Suggest Advice each other on the styling. Jump into the car with speakers pumping with loud music and hit the party scene having every guy ogle at you and you just have fun with your girls, all drunk. Listen Tik Tok by Kesha.

Love 'n' Peace.

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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!