Friday, January 29, 2010

Stop Fucking with My Head!

Can not get myself to write this post for reasons I may know or may not. I guess I do. Yet I will.

As I listen to 'Hey ya' from Karthik Calling Karthik for the nth time today, I am writing something which I seem to be making a big deal of in my head for the past few days, maybe even weeks. Right or Wrong? Needed or Not? Over Reacting or Important? Just can not figure this out.

Why is it that when relationships are not perfect yet we choose to stay in them. Is it because we are hoping against hopes or because we just want to be in that relationship? What if this case is slightly different. Everything is perfect but you may not want that relationship? Maybe it is not about the partner but you.

Everything IS perfect between me and G. The relationship. The understanding. The conversations. The love. The commitment. The loyalty. The friendship. The trust. The sex. Just everything so perfect. I have not fallen out of Love with him either yet....

We have spoken, rather I have spoken of going on a break several times and tried too. The break would end before it commences. I love to have him in my life. But I do not want a relationship in my life right now, maybe. It is a big thing that I am saying right now. I have no idea what are going to be the repercussions of this. I may get all depressed after actualising my decision or may get really happy. Can not figure that out. When in deep thought, I do think I really want to be single but as time passes in that thought I feel I am happy in the relationship, nothing is wrong then why get out of it? What I want and What I have is just so messed up. I want no relationship but I have a relationship which is just so smooth, there is by God's grace just NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING wrong with it. What do I do in such a situation?

Maybe I know what I want but I stop myself thinking that it would sound just so stupid and I would end up hurting somebody I really Love. And that is something I do not want to do. I Love him still. Like hell and Like loads. Just because it is great, does that mean I should continue when I do not want to? I feel like having no relationship. Just be single.

It may not be this relationship but I feel tied down inside. And that is the reason why I am letting go of everything in my life, including this relationship. I have a feeling or maybe it is some psychological shit that I will feel freer when out of this relationship. I hate to feel this way, specially because to a great extent this relationship has helped me reach where I am. It has given me the confidence, support and encouragement that I needed desperately.

I guess I am clear, I hate to let him go. I will feel a great void in my life but I need to do this to myself. This is superly selfish but I am sorry G, I know you understand when I say I need to do this for myself. If we do not remain friends, it will be difficult for me to survive because I can not live without you in my life. It is just the whole 'relationship' thing that I do not want. You have been a great Boyfriend. Someone who would be great to introduce to your folks and then spend an entire lifetime cracking stupid jokes, actually good ones. Watch great shows and movies together. See more places, like we have done in the past. Have great sex all the time. Understand each other's professional and personal space just so frigging well. Get used to each other. But I just feel the need to turn onto a new leaf in life. You have always always been there to take care of me. Hear my smallest and stupidest of things. I am feeling stupid to have written all of this. But writing this was important. I would never be able to come to a conclusion if I did not write this. Having said this, I realize, NO. Writing this was not a good idea after all, I feel confused all over again.

:|

When will I DECIDE?

When I try clearing the confusion, I feel I should give up the relationship and start a beautiful life with myself, which I need to. And just when I am finalizing my decision I feel stupid about it and want to stay in the relationship, which makes me think about the relationship all over again, followed by the confusion and tadah! Here I am trapped in this vicious circle.

Argh.

I need to talk to G about this. Should I?

Kisses.

12 comments:

A dream come true said...

It feels like u r upset abt somethg else which is not right and attributing it to ur relationship...may be its not the case....Anyway give it some more time and thought.

Karthik Murali said...

u know a simple solution for this ..
stop thinking abt it.. or rather, dont deliberate where it is going etc.....
just let it go at its own pace.

The day u start thinking , abt where it is going ,thats the doomsday.....
so in short, stop thinking.... :)

Duality said...

Yes you should should talk to him. He understand you, I gather and if he will be confused with your confusion, it's understahdable. But I hve a feeling he'll help you come to a decision you can live with and who knows this feeling to uselessness will pass. Sometimes you have to talk it out to find the cause of the problem. All the best.

Mrinalini said...

ummm...you are confused as hell...u knw something? the problem with us girls is that we think we can do it better if only...trust me, its easier decided than done...and nothin is worth what comes next if u do decide...
drink it away, i say.. :)

sawan said...

life is a maze of interconnected puzzles and my mind is greedy that it wudn accept success even if one in a million questions goes wrong. if its human, that’s what made u write this post. its okie to spent some time for urself. Since relationship is not a luxury to have wen u need one and disgard wen u don’t, identify on wetr the break up is needed for the “Break” u need. fpr the last qns, u HAVE to talk cos any decision taken would have a direct impact on his life. You as an individual has not right to surprise his life. Having said that, spent some time and think about other things u have in life. maybe tuning the right chord some wer else might bring u music in the relationship too. one lsat thing – work on the words u r gona use before u talk to G. even if G is super cool, words from a loved one cud HURT. all the very best.

Ali khan said...

wow.. thats deep thought...

kool....

akd said...

it seems u r confused as hell and u need some time for urself.

take some rest and don't overanalyse the situation and everything will be fine !!!!

Ria said...

U seem to be really confused....spend some time on ur own and get clear with what u want in life.

U say that the relationship is perfect then why on earth do u want to end it!? U need to know first as to why do u want to be single despite having a bf who loves u so much...and u love him too!!

Ankur said...

i dunno.. i m reading ur blog from scratch.. now it seems like a bollywood movie to me... lol..

Dipti said...

since you are THIS confused, I have a feeling G will himself give you your much-needed break. The break, the time that you two will spend without each other 'in the relationship' will definitely make it clear where you want to be. It will make things clear for him too, he deserves to know why you want to give up on the relationship even if its perfect to you. Definitely should talk. Though even if he convinces you that you don't need/cannot take a break; the thought of 'want to be single' will remain. I hope for the best, whatever be the mutual decision..

Americanising Desi said...

holy &*@^@*)^#@(
you and me are sailing the same confusion and honestly being aboard is not nice. dont go to one on one with self. i am having a hard time quittin this misery!!

Pesto Sauce said...

Good that you have now sorted this out and taken a decision

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