Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Come Undone

Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright
To come undone now

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone

Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone...

A lit Cigarette. Craving for pot. An Overdose of Chocolates. And a Cluttered Mind

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Just fooling around."
"As in?"
"As in doing nothing. Just sitting. You tell me. Whats up?"
"Nothing...just back from work an hour ago. Hectic day at work. Finalized PPT."
"To be honest and not beat around the bush - I'm feeling very horny and want to take you somewhere."
"Where do you wanna go?"
"No where."
"What are you wearing?"

And then I didn't reply. He did not ping again either. I guess G finally got the hint that I was not interested.

All of this at the end of the day that had probably been one of my worst and guilt stricken, filled with anger. I had taken a Pregnancy Test in the morning. The night before that was sleepless and the pillows wet. I was not guilty of having unprotected sex with that random acquaintance as I was of having protected sex with G.

I was made to feel so guilty about making out with that random acquaintance by G that I apologized for days for hurting him, which I did mean, but today when I look back at what happened in the past two months was totally uncalled for. That random guy came and left. No emotions involved. But when G happened last month, he came with a bag full of emotions. Emotions that were his and mine. I withheld. I did not want to disregard my treasure packed in that bag.

We were meeting for the first time after our Break up. This was an important day cause I was now entering the 'uncomfortable zone', according to a friend. And just like it is hard for me to write further, it was equally hard to walk with him into the room instead of a public place to just 'talk things out'. I knew what I was getting into but with some senseless hope in me I walked with him that we will not end up the way we always had. But we did. I stopped myself. I stopped him. But I was now vulnerable. I could not think straight anymore. My entire emotional treasure in his bag had been thrown on me. I was loaded till my forehead. I could not see. I could not walk straight. I tried being careful but it didn't help. "We have done this before. This is not unusual for us, baby." Yes it was not if our emotions and relationships had not changed. I gave in, with just one thought in my mind. Maybe this will end it. Maybe this will make me guilt free of hurting him. Maybe he will get over me after the so called 'Break up sex'. Maybe he will forgive me for just walking out of his life. Maybe he will let me go. Maybe I will get over this pain. This guilt. Maybe the collision of thoughts will stop. Huh.

I buried my face in the pillow like a cranky spoilt child. I took his hand and put it around me. I wanted a hug, not a cock. I wanted us to talk about us and not go back in our old days of 'us-dom'. He found me getting cranky like a child and wanting a hug funny. He laughed as I contemplated my decision of walking out of the room or staying in and giving this a shot as a shot to 'make up' to him for what I did to him. As I said, I really was not thinking. The thought was just just so stupid.

We had sex. I stared at the wall in front of me as I lay on my stomach, feeling like a slut, as he pumped himself in. He went on to being his kinky self, "Whose whore are you, Miss Luscious Sealed Lips?" And I cried. I cried in pain that came from within. I stopped him. I could not take it anymore. Neither his cock nor the turmoil within. I locked myself in the rest room wanting to howl and kill myself for what I was doing. I walked out, without wanting to look at him and give a sweet kiss. I lit my cigarette. I sat. Tried talking about 'us' for just maybe five minutes. Looked at him and asked, "Do you like playing with my hair, G?" He looked at it. Placed his hand and said, "Of course." I smirked inside. We hugged. We kissed Goodbye.

Friend messaged asking, "How did it go?", and I had no answer. But I knew, no matter what, this had done me more good than damage. I was not guilty anymore. I was not guilty of comparing him to that gentle random acquaintance who spent an entire night holding my hand tight and burying his face in my hair. I was not guilty of walking out of this relationship anymore. I was now more clear about what I wanted. About how kink was so not my thing. Of every time I gave into kink with him was never fun. It left me feeling like a slut as he called.

Sex without wanting it bad, whether out of love or hormone, is not my thing. And if you think I will be your ever ready ex girlfriend-turned-fuck buddy, No! I am sorry. I do not know how to tell you this. But, no, you just would not understand the innumerable hints. Baby, I have loved you, genuinely. Please, I have reached the stage where I would cry in front of you and beg, Please let go of me. Please I really am not in the condition to give in to your wishes. I want you to be my sweet memory and a good friend, not your cute ex girlfriend who is still hot in bed with you.

My heart sinks everyday in the night when I look up at my ceiling reviewing my life. I feel like a slut. You were not meant to make me feel this way, but if this is how it works, then so be it. I know you are not wrong at your end. I have not been strong enough to take a stand. I have not been direct with you. I should have given you a fair chance, I didn't. I have screwed up. Alot. I have messed up your life and mine. But now, I want to walk away. I want to run into a corner in the hills, pierce my heart and let it bleed. It would ache everyday. It would cry every night. But it would shed no tear.

I want to cry. I want no shoulder. I want to jump off the cliff and let it out as I fall down. I want my body to float in thin air with no strings attached. I have fucked it up. I am at fault. I ruined it for G. I ruined myself. Walk away from me G before I do you any more damage. I can not forgive myself once again, for what I did to you, for what I am doing to you still, for what has become of me. Walk away for yourself. I do not want anybody. I know how to take care of myself. I will mess it up more than once, but I will learn.

I do not know what I have said in the post above. It is a cluttered mind put on web. After seven discarded posts came a lit Cigarette. Craving for Pot. An Overdose of chocolates. And a Cluttered Post.

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - I have had God's support and genuine prayers and support of friends, my test proved negative. :)


sawan said...

do not walk a step if YOU believe you are doing a sin. Walk if you believe otherwise, do not listen to the world. Your conscious is your guide, your support and your wisdom, do not loose on it. never curse your self, never curse your actions. the past has gone, today you are alive and tomorrow you have hope. god bless you.

Crazy Diamond said...

Thank God! :)

baby i feel for you... sex without wanting it is not my thing either. and we can do it once in a while, not all the time. sex is not JUST sex

good you finally published it!! good that the clutter is out here now.. instead of just in your head. keep sharing it..

Miss Luscious sealed lips = a doll

whatever happened... don't blame yourself for everything. it's never only one person's mistake.

no idea what happened between you and G ..

no idea what to say...

i know you don't need a shoulder to cry. you need a HUGE KICKASS HUG

*huge kickass hug*

no idea how it feels to take a pregnancy test when you want the result to be negative! (or positive either hehe) but fuck....sounds very scary!
love you

Scribbling Girl said...

Baby first have loads and loads of hugs from me >:D<
Ur disappearing acts do scare me and i knew there was something!

You make me remember so much of my past!
Break up sex, a fling who ended and wanted to be fuck buddies....and all messed up me.....gosh I have not been the only one with messes in my life!

Sex without wanting....i know that feeling!

But thankfully u blogged...some clutter is out atleast!

Pregnancy tests....gosh i know the scary feeling when ur period gets delayed...i cant even imagine of taking them!

Girl firstly u neeed this big big hug from me!

I know no amounting of understanding will satisfy u...but trust me gal i know it >:D<

Stop blaming.....and u know what u have to do? STOP MEETING G.....me and my ex were like u guys....but then once i decided no way i m gonna meet him and the guilt goes....he still calls me he still wanna meet....but a strong NO because he was one guy I DID LOVE madly.....so u have to do this for urself!

Life can be better gal...is it for me when i met this wonderful man who made it all seem right....but for that just love and live for urself ....!


Loads of hugs and kisses!

Ria said...

I hope with this u r totally done n over with what was in the past...dont blame urself for what happened...it had to happen n it did!

Look forward to a fresh start, take your time to heal...i m sure u'll do well. :) *hugs*

Pesto Sauce said...

Take care dear

I had sex last year, paid variety, but then realised sex is all about emotions and hardly anything physical. Some crap would have named it sex else its mostly making love

I know it fucking hurts to do it with your Ex that too when you are off as a couple. This guy now wants a fuck buddy (most guys want one)and is seeking you. In a way its like wanting milk without caring for cow

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sawan,

The words are very encouraging.

Thank you. :)


sanely insane said...

Here are my comments

try not mixing sex with love...enjoy both as it is...having said that...sex without love is jst half as fun..and when emotions are at play it can both make u weep with ecstacy or as u found out...with despair...i feel bad..bad becoz u were feeling so bad..and i had no idea...not that i can do much...u kno me..i'm bad at handling shit but...still i wish i had been around to scold u :P

secondly stop calling it kink...plz hum kinky logon ko aise badnaam mat karo...if i tell this on the kinky forum...ppl will die laughing :P

thirdly and i firmly believe...we all shud be someone's slut...what ego love can't break down...sluttiness rips apart...but that is where the crucial point lies...u cud love the wrong person...its 100 time worse if u r the wrong person's slut...becoz one can make u feel priceless and other can make u feel priceless

and last...hugs to u...big ones..i'll deliver them personally when we meet...with the chocolates :) (jst remind me though :D )

Ms.R. said...

Babe he sounds like an insensitive bastard. what? Your feelings are out there for him to come and trample it. He knows how to get you in his bed, so that's it? He uses it each time to sacrifice himself and then you're left raw and wounded. I wish I could say things which would take away all this but I have nothing to offer but just a shoulder :) I'm always a ping away :)


TurbulentMind said...

Hey..I have been on your blog quite a number of times, even though perhaps I never really commented..But this post makes me want to..I would just want to tell you how dangerous it can be to get back with that one person you loved crazily..It hardly ever ends well..And I would also ask you to not blame yourself..because it is never just that one person who is to blame..it works both ways..and I have learnt that..In the weirdest of ways :P

Hugs to you!!

TM :)

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear CD,

You said it.

Thanks for being there. I Love you. And I mean it.



Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear SG,

Wow. This really did make me feel a little better.

I guess we all think, we are the only ones with such mess, but now I think there are more than just you n me, which makes a problem seem allot smaller than we may think.

Thanks girl. Thank you so much!


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Ria,

I hope the fresh air comes my way soon. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Pesto Sause,

Sex is really not just sex. Its natural to have emotions attached with it.

Honestly, I think sex for him despite the break up was probably still like having sex with his girlfriend than a 'fuck buddy'.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sanely Insane,

What is being a slut anyway?

I could have probably done the same things and enjoyed it. Its all about the emotions attached with it. If the act does not come out naturally, then it makes you feel like a slut, and if it does then it would never feel like you were being somebody's slut. Kink is just a part of sex, which happens enjoyably when both are physically and emotionally comfortable with it. Because it is all a part of sex, and sex, my friend, can not be disassociated with emotions.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Ms. R,

Baby, you are a true friend.

He really is not the way you think. He is a really nice guy. He is a nice person. He would never do this to a random stranger too. He loved me. But the only problem was he never understood it and I never explained too much either. Its mutual.

I will be fine. I Love you. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear TM,

I guess I was a little too hopeful and optimistic about it ending well. But now I have I guess come to terms with the fact, that it just can not end well. Just can not. It can get as ugly as beautiful the love maybe have been.

Thanks. :)


Crazy Diamond said...

love you lots, wish the best for you doll

Ms.R. said...

I love you too hun... Just got weird frrlings about this... He knows you so well and... Anyway kisses ;)

Insomaniac Junkie said...

Your blog... I followed it right from the start.. There were times,it taught me how to love.. Now I don't want to fall in love..

Fuck man... I don't have the courage to go through this..

L.. U the powerpuff girl... HUGS

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

having read all this... he was a bastard with malicious and perverted intents. Am sorry for saying this for you love, or maybe ex-love but let it be over when it is over.

And don't come undone...

Come, as you are!!

Blasphemous Aesthete

Aditya said...

"And if you think I will be your ever ready ex girlfriend-turned-fuck buddy, No! I am sorry."

Just one thing, maybe he is not looking for a fuck-buddy, maybe - maybe, he's thinking of sex as a way to get back into your life.

But then I could be wrong. :|

Anonymous said...

Just what i really wanted to read :)

Divaa Divine said...

I'll agree with sawan totally!

and Alhamdullilah prayers were effective.

and yes sex is just not sex - u know that !!!

HUGSSSSSSS!!! you are always in my well wishes dear!
My T-13

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear CD,

Thanks Baby.

I wish the same for you, always. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Ms. R,

I know exactly what you mean.

Thank you so much, baby. I Love you.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Insomniac Junkie,

Please do not stop believing in love because of this one post. I have not. I have not stopped loving him either. There are good days and bad. There are turmoils and there is laughter. It is all a part of it. Loving was never easy. True love is life, a package of all emotions. Take it all with the 'Bring it on' spirit. :)

Keep Loving.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Blasphemous Aesthete,

NO! He was not at all malicious or perverted. He Loves me. This post is not about what he thinks. It is about how 'I' felt. It is not necessary that he made me feel that way intentionally. He loves me after all.

I am trying to come as I am. Trying really hard. Thank you so much.


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Aditya,

I think you are the only one who has been able to see it from this perspective and I completely respect and adore you for that.

And yes, I do agree with you. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Insomniac,



Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear AD,

You are one of the few people who help me get up. I Love you so much.


P@ul@mi said...

dont publish this if u can... but baby pls take care of urself which i have an intution that u vl..if life isnt abt experiences, a few missed calls and few random msgs then it isnt anythng out of the box.. pls tk cr..

sanaya said...

Dear LSL,ive come to ur blog for the very first time,nd i read dis.found it very honestly written.BUT plz DONOT blame urself for watever happened coz its always a two way thing.so just blv wat ever happened happened for gud,it must have tought u alot of things. it was the past and its OVER now.so look fwd to ur future nd never loose hope.u must have heard of this "watever happens,Happens for gudd"just have blind faith in this:)

Nostalgic said...

Having read all this, I could just say one thing. He was a bastard with malicious intents. Good you're done with it.

Sex without wanting is NOT my thing either. I wonder how it feels, disgusting yeah? But you need not to blame yourself anymore. Its gona be better soon, hun.

First time on your blog. Can't leave without following you :) hope to see a contented post soon.

Love .. xoxo

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Paulami,

You are right. It is life and it is things like these that make our life. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sanaya,

Your words were very comforting. And true. Thank you so much.

I have always believed in 'Whatever happens happens for good'. And still do. God is there for me, I know. :)


Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Nostalgic,


He really is not a bad person. I am the one who is. I am the one who is.

I give up.


P.S. - I am sorry. Just an emotional outburst. I really appreciate your words for me and your concern. But, I just... Don't know. :(

Jack said...

L S L ,

Very frank and from depth of heart. Only thing I will say is - Pull yourself together and get on with your life. No more broken pieces, no more self criticism. You are a strong girl and surely can focus your strength to move on with you life more purposefully. If you wish, we may talk more on this issue.

Take care

Randeep said...

oh darling. Change of friend to lover is possible but not otherwise. And if u wanna end it; just do it in that bad way.there is no good/nice break up.


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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!