Thursday, April 22, 2010

Winds of Change

I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up, has always been the hardest thing
Until you came

[Chorus]
So lay here, beside me, just hold me, and don't let go
This feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You climbed my walls

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Off you
Off you

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
And oh this feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Almost a year back, when I shifted here, I came because I was done living in my hometown. I thought i had almost exhausted all possibilities for my career and it was great. Now, it was time to grow more, get to a bigger city, make it bigger, live a bigger life, a new one, with new experiences, new people. I will not say I was not prepared for what I was stepping into. I knew the place, I knew how the people are going to be like, I knew it was not going to be easy for me and I knew, I might change too.

I am mostly typical. My attitude is repetitive when put in similar situations. Every time I am in a new space, I am usually very quiet and shy. I find it hard to be all free, hyper and jumping, like my real self. I come across as formal and arrogant. G thought I gave him attitude too in our first conversation. But I do open up slowly, always. I am not anonymous to all my readers too. One found out, one I opened up to. As much as I may stop myself from trusting people, I just give in. I just open up and end up feeling weak as a person because a closed person always for some reason feels more secure about their secrets, an open person can not. At least, I do not. I feel helplessly weak. I feel like I have been robbed off all that is mine, off all the truth that belongs to me, that is mine. I have shared it, and now it is gone. But that is not all. What is worst is when you want to be yourself but can not. Not because some one's judgement about you is stopping you. But being the real you is making you weak. When your weakness is not the truth about you but the true you.

I know I have changed. I can see it. Feel it. Conscience about it. Dont like it. Yet letting it happen to me. I have done, said things i should not have but I did because they were important. Because I had to stand up for myself. Sometimes, actually mostly, standing up for self meant stooping down but that was the game and to survive, you have to play it dirty. I have never liked the people in this city. I have never liked the city. I find it hard to be like them. To adjust to their ways. Worst, people migrating here, become like them. Now, I understand why. Survival.

To survive, I have made my conscience change too now. Harsh words. Abuses. Rudeness. Shrewdness. Defending self with rude remarks on others. Things i have never known. Things i have never done. Things I do now. Just to survive. Just so I do not remain your punching bag and the butt of all your jokes, your source of entertainment, your simple innocent one who can be used and abused because I say nothing. I would not react to all this because initially I would be shocked at such a behaviour, with time, I did not say anything because I would find it hard to come down to your level. You would push me and I would go down deeper and deeper till I got suffocated. Till I could not breath. Till I re started thinking my decision. Till I sobbed for days in my pillow. Till you made me angry. Till your words pulled me up again, only to put me down to your level. And I did. My simple background. My simple upbringing. My manners. My endurance went for a toss. I am now, one of you. I locked myself in a room, thought for over two months about you. About how you treated me. About how my silence and patience with you became my dumbness and my stupidity. About how I was just another new girl in your city who needed to become one of you to get a visa to stay in your city. And I did. Now, you will not say much to me because initially I shocked you with my unexpected rude replies, as you did to me. Now you will not ridicule me, because now you are getting used to my snarky direct remarks on your flaws. Now you will compliment me even on the worst of my clothes because I might just turn around and snap back at you. Now, I am one of you, so you will not treat me like shit. Now, you will trust me because now even the thought of trusting my patience with you and your god damned city is dead. I smirk at your foolish change that you have to bring every time a new person becomes one of you. Hah. You are one useless piece of shit who will never know simplicity. Who will never know the true world because you are so complex ed. Because you can not trust the real people. But the clever ones will recognise the real balls and come to you. Now, I laugh till I sob myself to sleep because you are the butt of all my jokes. You are not my punching bag, but my boxing glove. You are just so shallow. You may have forced me to change but I never will at heart. I may have become one of you, but I can never be you. You are not a bad person but can make somebody a bad person by forcing them to change. How many of us do actually know how much to change and why, afterall? Thank God, I do.

And you thought I was having it easy here. And you thought I was having fun. Enjoying what I want to do. Enjoying the new 'friends'. Living a life I wanted to? Hah. I am having anything but fun. This is just an experience. An experience i analyze everytime i am alone. When you were there with me, even if it was just our short conversation on phone, I knew i had somebody who kept me close to the real me. You kept me so close to my true self that you made me weak. You made it harder for me to survive in this shithole with these loose tummy asses. I had to let go of you so that I could let go off my true self, even if it meant just on the surface. I tried looking for people around me to find my true self, but no one will ever know the true me the way you have known. The way you have touched the true me. Yes, it was about me. But if it was not this, then I would die. I surely would have. Just to survive, i not only changed myself, but my relationship with you. I had to detach myself from me, from you, who was a part of me. It was never easy. It still is not. Believing in fairy tales is becoming harder by the day. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is about 'us'. It is always 'you' and 'me'. It will never be 'us' again. It will never be 'me' for me, again. I have let you go just to get rid of the true me. I have lost more than I thought. Lost more than planned. Lost you. Lost me. Lost us.

Climbing these walls is hard. Slippery. I am being pulled down, but I will fight day and night with the asses just to survive with the hope that this survival will not be pointless by the end of it. This fight I will win one day and be my true self again, even if that means, being alone. Not like, I am not lonely, now. Your departure from my life may have made my fight easier but tolerating the smell of the shithole is still tough. Your smell helped me survive, but I guess that was not enough and that is why we are where we are. My fingers stop to type 'I Love You' here. I have to fight to write these simple words too. It's not that simple, baby. It's not. It just isn't. No.

23 comments:

D said...

*big hug*

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear D,

Yes. Need it. :) Thanks.

Kisses.

Dej@vu said...

another one, big one *hug*
happens woman..
but as i said..the magic is in u..u will make it happen, tho easier said than done..
..*kisses*..

rainboy said...

have fun and read "Fountain head" if u may .

Don't let them kill the real you.
Only you can save yourself.

take care n hugs

Scribbling Girl said...

Ouch...I can so understand this post...Been through ...done it...
I know what u need >:D< loads and loads of Hug....
I know u will find urself soon....after all ur magic in itself :)
Hugs and kisses

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Deja vu,

You give me hope. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Rainboy,

Read it several times. It is my favorite. Guess will have to read it again to find myself again. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Scribbling Girl,

Glad I am not the only messed up screwed up woman on this planet. You make it sound 'normal' and that does make me feel better, for now, at least. :)

Thanks. I need allot of hugs. And more importantly, a long big tight i-know-u-not-k one.

Kisses.

Americanising Desi said...

your confessions and narration of change has led me into believing when there is a will there is more way than one! and so with my love and luck to you, you also get a complimentary hug! i love change - esp when it is the sort you mentioned!

i thought i would never change and today where i stand i m at a whole new domain!

Americanising Desi said...

p.s no matter how much you dont like you - i still love you :)

and no matter how much you think it isnt you compared to who you were - i think it is for the better you are becoming someone who is different or rather blunt and indifferent!

sanely insane said...

i'm not sure if i understood all of the post...but i did get that u r in pain...and not the good kinds...

so hugs...big ones

maybe thru this painful route will strive a path of light and harmony...

Harini said...

*hug*

rainboy said...

You need to read is ASAP ...

take care n be good

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear AD,

You maybe right. Maybe with time, I will begin to like this change. But I still have my doubts. Changes for survival is very different from what you really are. And it can be sad.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sanely Insane,

Light and Harmony. Hah. Harmony within self needs to come first for that. And with such anger and pain, I do not think 'harmony' is really going to come my way.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Deat Harini,

Hugs back.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Rainboy,

Thanks. :)

Kisses.

sulagna ™ said...

babe nothing can take away your spirit and i mean it..yeah we sometimes get dosed we sometimes need chocolate to recover, but boy are we strong..and you gorgeousness are one strong,beautiful,honest and loving girl..PERIOD!!!

Ms.R. said...

hugs girl! I'dlove to say everythin's gonna be alright cuz it's so fake. But I really hope everything will be. Be strong :)

Pesto Sauce said...

Happens with all, but we all live

sulagna ™ said...

heyii babes...how was the weekend...is the dark cloud moved out of your hear ??/ sending you lots of sunshine n happiness your way..hugsss

sm said...

nice poem
like it

Jack said...

L S L,

I had not been regular for some time. If you have visited me you would know. I do not remember if I read it earlier or not.

One should never change Basic Nature. Be what you are. With circumstances one needs to safeguard own interests but without foregoing own identity. This post is full of emotions and I feel it is because of hurt felt at parting. One has to be brave to face whatever life throws as it is not possible to have all what one wants. People will take advantage of good nature but that does not mean one has to become mean. Just be on guard to see through such persons and see your own safety. And if something sad happens,one needs to overcome that with courage without fretting over it to ensure future is not spoilt.

Take care

PS : You are welcome to share what made you write this, if you wish to.

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S.A.D. BLOGATHON ANNOUNCEMENT

Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

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