Thursday, March 25, 2010

Nerver Been Kissed.

"Someone once told me. To write well, you have to write what you know. And this is what I know."

This was to be written a week back but when I did start writing I ended up writing something I did not wish to write about. Or maybe something that did not make me feel too good once I wrote it, thus I never published it. But, after having watched the movie, I am re writing the whole post. I am guessing the way I have wanted to.

Just when Drew Barrymore threw her mic down on the Baseball field, my flatmate1 walked into the room and asked me to lock the door. She was leaving for a movie with her live-in boyfriend. About an hour before she left, my other flatmate2 left to be with her boyfriend for two days because she is taking an off, and even though her boyfriend is going to be busy, she plans to just sit beside him and probably chat with me online to kill her time. And, her boyfriend does the same. Comes over every weekend he is free, even when she is not and stays up all night playing Mafia Wars just to wake her up at an odd hour for her to complete the work or to see if her back pain is giving her trouble in her sleep. Yes, I often hear 'voices' too. But, they are mostly of they whispering or her boyfriend snoring. I guess they are pretty careful. Also, their good luck is that I sleep very sound and mostly early too.

The first two months of staying with Flatmate2, I kept convincing her about dating the guy she is. I always saw this beautiful connection between the two, and RM and I would always convince her and tell her how beautiful it is to be in a relationship. She started dating him just six months ago, just when RM broke up with her guy and now I broke up with mine. The funny thing is RM and I love having our 'Singleton is bliss' conversation and ignore my flatmate when she has a thing to say to us. Why? Probably because we already know how beautiful it is to be in a real relationship.

But I disagree. Honestly, I do not feel as if I have been in a real relationship. It is, more like, having an online or tele soul mate. I have been in two relationships so far. One that went for a good long four years with him sitting in the neighbouring country, visiting India, yet not my city. Hence, we NEVER met during our courtship period. We met just last year, when I went to his country, his city. We hugged and that was the end of our physical relationship. When G happened about two years back. I was not even thinking of being in a relationship. I was losing weight at I don't know what speed and was feeling great about myself. I had guys starting to hit on me. Honestly, the last time I really had guys hit on me was junior school. :P Even though the flirting was happening, I remember going on two dates as well, while I was talking to G and we discussed my miserable dates with these guys who would talk of how I made them feel that I hate men. Well, to a certain extent they were pretty right. In fact, if i met a two three more of their kinds, they would be hated for knowing me so well. G mailed one night, dropping his number because he would not be online and would like to talk to me. I smiled. Felt itchy. It was funny. I felt he was interested in me, but giving me your number puts me off. I like to take my time. I enjoyed talking to him but I did not know if I missed talking to him. Also, giving my number to an online friend whose blog makes me go weak in the knees or makes me roll on the floor with laughter, was something I would not do. Hence, I mailed back a polite short mail telling him "as for d call thing... im not too sure... so... until i den... v hav gtalk :) yay!! :D

c ya soon!! hav fun wt ur friend :)

tc..." I had to go through some 500 mails to copy paste it for you guys. :P And that was that, only for the next one week, until I broke my specs and could not see a thing on my computer screen. I vanished for about three days, but we mailed each other. Sometimes twice a day. Until, I messaged him one night and (like an asshole) he replied after 20 minutes. We got messaging. Then came the call. And the calls increased in duration and number by the day. The I-Like-You began. And at 5 a.m. in the morning, one day, out of nowhere we said 'I Love you'. It took just that one line for me to wake up next to K and break to her that I am going to have my first real relationship. We were excited. We jumped. She hugged. And, that was it. We were 'in a relationship'. In no time, we began discussing how he was going to propose to me for marriage and how we would have multi talented, multi ethnic children. It felt great. I honestly felt that I have never been this comfortable talking to any man in my life. Not even my best friend, AJ. It was beautiful.

Two months later, he managed to get a three day weekend and took a train without any reservation and travelled 50 hours just to see me for 10 hours. Something I would never allow myself to do, but I seemed to have broken all my rules when it came to G. I check into a hotel with him so that we can spend our 10 hours in peace and private. I knew today was the day I was going to get MY FIRST KISS, only this time I could not imagine it. Every time before that, I could always imagine different kinds, different places with different men, my first kiss. But this time, I knew it was coming, but how?

I was sitting on the chair and he on the bed. We sat and talked for about 5 minutes until he asked me to come over and sit beside him. I did. I was feeling shy and weird. It was my first time, like this. I was sitting with this guy for the first time and he was my 'first real boyfriend', whom I am going to kiss in sometime! He asked me to come closer. I moved an inch. We had our hands clasped and just when I was looking at the hands, I do not know what happened, but we were kissing. It took me about 20 seconds to talk to myself and make myself realise that this is a kiss. 'Kiss back', said my mind, next. And when I did, our clothes were off in fifteen minutes. No, we did not have sex. I was for some reason not comfortable getting my panties off. But, he came in front of me. (Something, that would qualify as weird in my dictionary, now. Why? What? What exactly were we thinking?) We made out some more and left for lunch. He talked me into sex over lunch and we bought a pack of condoms before getting into the room again.

We kissed. We made out. We got our clothes off, but he could not get an erection and I could not find my fucking hole! Now, when I look back at it, I find this hilarious and set out a sigh of relief. I am glad I did not have my first sex the day I got my first kiss.

But yes, I do regret having made out to that level or to any level for that matter. It was great. But, the first kiss just got lost somewhere. It was not meant to be that way. It was not meant to be in a hotel room. It was not meant to be without a moment of silence. Without facing each other. With breathing so heavily that you can actually feel each other's chests going in and out. Without having to look into each other's eyes and slowly lean towards each other. Slowly close your eyes and gently feel the lips settling on yours before you start kissing.

I really have no idea about how men imagine their first kisses, but for women, or girls for that matter, first kiss is a big deal. It always was for me too, until it just vanished in the making out and the stupid embarrassing two bra episode. Oh Fuck! I did not just write this. FUCK! What am I? On a spree of letting all my darkest secrets out to you guys? Okay, first the defence, I was not expecting us to make out. Or rather I was more excited about wearing that dress than the two bras. Yes! (hides her face with her hands and howls) I wore two fucking bras the first time I met G. Look! I could not help it. I was wearing a grey shirt and I could not find my 'proper' grey bra. So I wear my 'proper' black bra and then put on this other gray bra which was slightly lose, just so the other color bra does not show. Oh! Whatever. Argh. Now, you know it. Stop laughing! Argh. Argh. Argh.

Anyway, coming back to the point. Bang! Hits you straight on the head with the big fat book in front of me. Yes you! Come back to the main post and stop imagining and laughing at it. Huh. Yeah. So, the point being the first kiss.

G is an excellent kisser. Any of you girls who want to hook up with G now, will be lucky. He is an amazing kisser and fucking hot in bed. I doubt I am going to find anyone better than him in bed. ;) (How I hope I do, though ;)) Even when I did it with him for the first time. That was when I went to visit him for three days. The sex grew to be great. The first was painful. Your hole takes eternity to open up, especially when your first is about 7-8 inches, it is not even funny. But, what about my first kiss. G and I have had some beautiful kisses. Like, in the rain on a lonely bridge in the darkness of the night. Like, the secret stealthily kisses on the ferry. Like the long kiss in bed after sex. Like the recent kiss on New Year's Eve on the pathway, with the sea in front, beautifully decorated and lighted ships and ferries far away in the middle of the sea and fireworks in the background. But, those were not my 'first kiss'.

I am still waiting for it. When I had called up K after my first kiss to tell her about it. She said I was like the girl from 'Never Been Kissed', who took so long to get her first kiss. But K, I am still that Drew Barrymore who was the fat geek in school, yet popular and loved. I am that Drew Barrymore who is still fat but hopes to get her FIRST REAL KISS and pop her leg up or cry and laugh at the same time when she kisses.

Now, as I write the last line of my post. I will look around the fridge to eat something. Clean my room. Put on a new pink bed sheet and lie down with my book, alone because I have long hard day tomorrow, which will lead to an extremely relaxing weekend which I have not had in a long time. The weekend plan only involves my school close friend's engagement to attend. But coming back alone, knowing, I will not have somebody to come back to and creep into my bed just to put my head on his shoulders, get a kiss on my forehead and hear a soft 'Good Night' as he caresses me in his arms. Knowing when I wake up and want to laze in bed and just watch TV or movies with food on bed, I will have no one to cuddle with in my blanket. Knowing when I just want to read, I will not have a lap to rest my head on while he does his own thing. Knowing every time I have a hard day, I will not have supportive quick kisses to calm me down. Knowing when I am too happy, I will not be getting any tight long hugs. Knowing I am not getting a beautiful special kiss which is just meant to be a kiss for a very very long time. Till then, I will be the girl who has 'Never Been Kissed', still fantasizing about her perfect first kiss.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

35 comments:

Karthik Murali said...

u know u have so many options at hand..why do u woory? ;)

Di said...

it was touching .. *sniff sniff* you were so adorable in this post.. i loved it..*hug*

your first kiss will be magical.

G's heart will go up-n-down reading this post

when a guy meets his girl after a long wait, he just cannot hold himself back and that's why the first-kiss ends up being the way your hotel-kiss was.. like my car-kiss was :) the kisses that follow matter much much more cuz' you're still kissing :)

Americanising Desi said...

i think i was literally holding my heart as you poured yours :)

i was bumping and jumping and flashbacks started happening ! whao woman! you rocked me inside out!

mwahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Randeep said...

:P

Ms.R. said...

Everytime you write, I am gripped by it (while watching over my shoulder to be honest cuz most of the time I'm at work). First kisses are always special. Don't worry lady. You're wonderful, it's just a matter of time, before you find someone worthy of you. Btw, it took me a very long time to find my man. To be honest, after all the frogs I'd kissed, I was planning to try 'convertin' into a bi! It was just so frustrating that the train of men was just so blah in my life. But he came around. :)

sulagna ™ said...

i dont know if you gonna life your foot on your first kiss, as you live the moment, but i sure do pray..yes really pray..that your first "real kiss" happens and you forget evrything else,even these comments wont register cuz all that matters would be him and you..beautiful..absolutely beautiful

Scribbling Girl said...

You always floor me :)
Even though i hardly comment but i have always been floored reading u!
Surely time has planned something best for you and it will be magic :)

sanely insane said...

read both ure posts...well u got a good kisser and u got an enormous organ :P pity u didnt get the perfect first kiss...but two out of three that is quite lucky...

am sure u'll get urs someday

funnily for some reason i think this post has made me wanna go offline...been feeling quite lost for a few days...and this has me loster so to say (remove the t also i say :P) and so that is what i shall do... :)

Ria said...

ur post was jus so forthright and honest...never seen a girl do this on her blog. U will hav an awesome first kiss!!

sawan said...

girl, u might just have made me jobless!! I read this at work and laughed so loud imagining about G’s expression cin ur double bra :P and then suddenly realizing tht its my desk, I minimized the window and looked around to find all eyes staring me like “wut the fuck is his problem”!! :P

god bless u girl. May u have ur first kiss really really soon and may it las for ever!! Cheers!

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Karthik,

It is never about the option. It is about the choice. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Di,

*hug*

I guess you are right. It is hard to hold and to be honest, I miss the tension that is there all through the way from the station to home, to just grab hold of each other and get at it. :P

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear AD,

:)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Randeep,

:P.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Ms. R,

You give me hope. I hope my 'real' frog comes by soon. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sulagna,

Fingers are crossed. ;)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Scribbling Girl,

Thank you sweet heat.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear SanelyInsane,

Oh, yes, I have been lucky! ;)

After having read and re written some over 150 pages, I can understand why the two 'long' posts make you losTer, Los(t)er. :P

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Ria,

:)

I am waiting... :|

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sawan,

Thank you for minimizing the window. ;)

Yes, and may it last FOREVER. Sigh.

Kisses.

Sophie said...

that was frank and straight from the heart...you made me nostalgic
loved it gal...me first time here...would comeback for more

Pesto Sauce said...

Man this post was something...direct dil se. I have kissed before but never experienced that tinge when ding dong is happening inside and right then you get a kiss. You also had sex which is like icing on the cake though I can understand the hole takes time to open up first time

Bravo...keep it coming

Jack said...

L S L,

It is either an effort of fictional post or someone has hacked into your account and posted this.

Take care

Harini said...

I hope you get your "real first kiss" soon. First kisses are always special :). Amazing post :)

Dej@vu said...

it came plain and simple and as soulful as a first kiss..n i am telling you woman..its u who will make it magical..

Anamika Sureka said...

First time on your blog.....Vo!!!!

I was holding my breath till i completed this post.:)

Miss Sunshine said...

adorable you are :P

*never been kissed* hehe :D

Hope it's as magical as u want it to be.. :D mistletoe magic :D

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sophie,

Hope to see you around. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Pesto Sauce,

LOL. Sex, my friend, is over rated. You, too will get your share of 'ding-dong' kisses and sex. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Jack,

LOL. What made you say that?

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Harini,

Thanks sweetheart.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Deja Vu,

Thanks. :)

I would like it both ways, though.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Anamika,

:)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Miss Sunshine,

*Fingers Crossed*

Kisses.

Richa Sharma said...

WOW!!!
I am a first timer on your blog and must i say, I will follow it. Loved the post for a lot of things: the frank way of putting things across and the humor attached to each paragraph. But most importantly i loved the vulnerability around each word.

Will read more :)

Kp Up!!

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S.A.D. BLOGATHON ANNOUNCEMENT

Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!