Thursday, November 25, 2010

Stop. Think!

There is this blog, partly anonymous, partly ignored and dearly close to my heart. For the past few months, I have been irregular, I have been scared. I have always taken this blog as my 'vent out' zone, no matter what the person visiting may feel or think. It is not my judgmental portal. But after some bouts of impulsive blog posts, I have started thinking before I write. I stop myself from writing certain things, probably because I don't want to face them or I don't want anyone else to face them. I have hurt and made some people smile through my posts, but now I prefer to stay quite, I think twice before I write, and I need to break through this. I need to be my LSL self, once again.

But there is something about thinking twice, an age old proverb. Repeatedly reminded by elders, friends and colleagues. I do not know whether my friend and her parent's had heard of this from any of their well wishers. Or maybe they did and ignored, like many of us.

My friend just got married. Being school friends, the entire group of 5 school besties, we were excited to be re united and laugh off the right prediction of her being the first one among all of us getting married. But behind those fake smiles and happiness, we were all worried, we were all mad at her, at her choice of the man she picked, like many of her previous boyfriends.

SN is an adopted Kashmiri Muslim, adopted by a Hindu Bengali-Bihari pair of IAS parents. She always had a nanny, even when she visited any of our houses. Today too, her nanny accompanies her everywhere. Her parents have been extremely protective of her for all the right reasons. She has no mind of her own. She is easily influenced and can be an utter fool. She was never interested in academics. How she finished school was a surprise to all of us too. She went on to do random courses in Make up and Jewelery, just to pass her time. Eventually, her rich parents set up her Jewelery business, trough various exhibitions, etc., thanks to their contacts.

Amidst all of this she did some stupid make up course, where she met MA, a hair dresser, and fell for him. He did not like her and was dating someone else at that point of time. He made his friend woe her and being the easily wooed sorts, she went out with him. He was well treated by her and received allot of expensive gifts in return of some attention, being her constant phone companion and adding a little 'fun' in her life. It was after this guy started showing off his amazingly convenient relationship with SN, that MA got jealous and threatened him to ditch her. And so he did. Only to break up with his girlfriend and hit on SN. SN got wooed within hours, again.

SN's choice of men have always reminded us of those old Hindi movies where nothing but love mattered. Class, cast, cultural differences were just words, but nothing that held any meaning in this world of blinded love. Practicality was always out of question and conversation, with her. She never respected the wishes of her family and sound advices from friends. She preferred shunning these people out of her life and have them back as per her convenience. Whenever she fell in love, she found a new confidante, a new friend, cause the real ones tried stopping her. She dated some random Barista waiter, then some Churiwala at a Mela, then some other churiwala in some thin lanes of an old city market.

SN is a pretty and dumb girl, asked out by many young intelligent sons of other IAS, businessmen family friends, but she never seemed to like them. Always found flaws in them. Their arrogance, their flirtatiousness, their lineage, there was an excuse not to be wooed, also cause she already had her heart set on either of these churiwalas and waiters. An issue we thought would get sorted as she grows up and her parent's find her a suitable boy. But none that you hope, happens.

SN decided to marry MA. MA had fun with SN without any intentions of marrying her. SN had decided, he was the man she always wanted to be with. MA asked for sex, and she refused, only to bring back the old Hindi movie back in picture. She coaxed him into marrying her, and her parents who are still not happy with this decision of hers.

They have set up a place for the couple, a salon-cum-jewelery store, hoping they will settle themselves in their respective careers. MA's seven uneducated unemployed brothers have been employed in that salon and has taken over her jewelery store as well. He disses SN's advices and decisions regarding their business, calling her too dumb for it and intends taking over the entire business on his own. He has already started to. SN's parents have got them a house too, where the couple will live with MA's first mom, while the second mom and father shall peacefully stay in MA's village.

MA comes from a conservative uneducated Muslim family and SN, from a liberal educated Hindu one. This union is not about class differences and religious differences, but simply about the two ends they come from. It is about the difference in which they look at their relationship. SN is blinded by love and MA, by the convenience that has come with it for him and his family.

As I sat beside her during her Nik'ah, my heart bled. Do the parents even know, whatever she is repeating after the Mullah, after her 'Kabool Hai', was her conversion into a Muslim? No, they did not. And I did not have the heart to tell them, NOW, your daughter has successfully been converted without your knowledge. It is okay, only if they knew about it, but unfortunately they didn't. The father was refused to sign on her Nik'ah Nama (Muslim Marriage Certificate) because he is not a Muslim. Does it get worst than this? Yes. SN has already forgotten about what her parents have done for her and is totally unthankful, rude and her reply to every suggestion or word from her parents' is 'I am a married woman, now!'.

Personally, it is beyond me and no one on this planet can expect respect from me if they have none for their parents. My heart sank deeper as I saw her running towards her now-husband, as her parents walked towards her to hug her, without even noticing them.

Did she stop for a moment and think twice about her decision? About the circumstances that this decision will put her in? There is an absolute class, culture, religion, family, traditional change for her. Was she ready for it? Or was she only ready for a husband, who is clearly marrying her only for the material conveniences? The man and his family only agreed to this marriage after they had weighed down all that was coming with this inter religion union. But had she? Her parents did and they did try stopping her. We tried coaxing her into 'thinking twice', but for once, she was not easy to influence. She cried after her engagement over the sudden changes in MA. In the way he treated her, their business and the love that she thought they shared. She agreed on the fact that he might be with her only for what comes with her, not cause of her, and she still seems okay with it? She clearly has remained a fool in the years gone by.

As loved ones, we can now, only pray for her well being and a happy married life. I, only hope that the love she married MA for, only grows between the two and no problem or unexpected issues come her way. May she adjust beautifully in this different world without any pressures, troubles and taunts. This is not the ideal family, her family must have imagined her being a part of, but this remains the truth for the rest of their lives.

Nature has once again won over Nurture. Their years of protectiveness and upbringing could do nothing in front of the strength of her original origin. She is back in the kind of family, she probably came from. Being brought up in a certain way did not change a thing in her attitude or her interests or her thoughts.

She is one example I don't want to look at when I suggest adoption to my sister. I'd rather be a surrogate mother to my sister's children. Something I have been thinking of very seriously. Something that I intend doing for her, if only I ever find a man to marry who feels and agrees to the same. My sister was never for adoption while I always pushed her for it, and now when she is considering it, I want to stop her, I want to tell her, she is not strong enough to endure the pain that SN's parents did. What if nurture fails in her case too? She'd rather have someone from the family than somebody completely unknown. Than somebody who would know it all her life that my sister is not her real mother and despite my sister being a mother, the child may not act like a daughter.

We all need to stop and think twice before such big decisions. Adoption or Marriage is not a Blog Post, that one can rely on impulse. They are life changing decisions. They have to be thought over, they have to be weighed, they have to be calculated and studied. They need your full attention, they need you to be prepared with anything and everything unseen that comes with it. It is all a maze, you never know where you land up.

Love 'n' Peace.



Divaa Divine said...

i think it isnt a blog post too ! and hence the dilemma i m goin through at this moment - i dont wanna blog about it - i just want God to help us make the best decision for ourselves cuz we cant look beyond today!

R said...

She's spoilt rotten by her family and it shows. Her parents shouldv've learnt to say no to her. Anyway, they might have and she never listened. And this guy is exactly the stereotype of an asshole. Unfortunately there are these people living in our locality and married to people we hardly know and its a terrible thing to happen to anyone. Where I lived in Cal these people wore fake brands, hairstyles like tere naam and face piercing, and no class. I can understand how sad you are for your friend. I hope he grows some sense but then with all that wealth and comfort piled on him and his family, he just reminds me of a leech.

PS I love everything you write :D <3

Scribbling Girl said...

Firstly of you THIS IS YOUR BLOG LADY......and i love u for being blunt always and just stay that ways here always and always ....u get it :) blog often :)
U know we r 5 besties from school same pinch :)
what to say abt SN....she proves love is indeed blind ....and she makes ppl believe blood is indeed above everything.....forgetting ur family completely is something i cant get ever....

That is one reason marriage scares me .....i can never marry someone for sake of it nor can i marry without seeing my parents unhappy abt it...that is one reason I fiddle and gonna do that for long....sigh....but ya i feel if we do try to make parents happy ...they relent and if a guy is worth it ....he will do that the very first ...if he doesn't not worth it....because at the end of day parents have seen world more than us....i know some parents are not the kind to see that.....but the one who r and are ready to adjust deserve all of that....that is one reason assemblage of love and marriage is a nut to crack in my case....

Every decision is tough and adoption and marriage are the toughest...i hope everyone make best decisions relating to it...

I hope ur frnd indeed stays happy ....

Phoenix said...

i'm thankful to whatever drives you to blog .... because when i read i feel sane..because a person however she white grey is human..and it takes a lot to just be us.. and thats why i like this blog..straight forward and u donot mince ur words!!


Ria said...

I m sorry if i am being rude but his friend of urs is so dumb n selfish...i cant imagine not missing my parents while getting married...and this i can say as my own d day is coming soon!

Aditya said...

From dreams to reality, uplifting to pessimism, you have changed. Atleast your blog has. And being the regular reader that i am, its disheartening to say the least.
Dont be so hard on SN, let her make mistakes. That's life.
Loved this piece and appreciate the frankness. (I am not sure if that is even a word!)


What's in a name? said...

I read this blog on and off and chanced on this post today with some time on my hands. So, I want to adopt a kid as well, and a girl in a few years and it has nothing to do with me not being able to have one as Im not married :D and reading this post gave me jitters in a way. Nature taking over nurture. But then again, I have a sister who gives a damn about me and my life and if i were dead she won't shed a tear and thats my own blood. and thats not even her "nurture" coz my parents never taught us that. Yet sadly she is like that. So I am not sure what is the right decision. Infact sometimes, having ur own kid disrespect u is worse than an adopted offence, but i cud jus tell my self what teh heck she is anyway an adopted child..or whatever, but im sure if a kid born from my flesh hurt me i could not be more depressed.

Jack said...

L S L,

First of all this is your space. You write the way you wish to. If someone has any problem with that, he or she can stop visiting. You are not forcing anyone to read. Just be yourself and have confidence as well as faith in your capabilities.

Now coming to this post, from what you have written, I would say that it is basically parental failure. Keeping her with nanny all the time was wrong as it makes her overdependent with no confidence in her ownself. Do love your child, natural or adopted, by all means but do not hinder proper growth. A time comes when parents need to be more of friends than protective. Child has to be advised right from wrong and told to take own decisions with all options or outcomes in each told. I had written a post on this sometime ago. You may like to search and read.

I hope and pray that she has proper happiness in marriage and not taken advantage of.

Take care

Pesto Sauce said...

Your post made me think and think hard. It is indeed a sad story but I could relate to it and could feel my heart stutter while reading

I too have been brought up in a very protective way inspite of being a male. My father was in IPS, served in Kashmir so could relate to what you were trying to say. Like this girl I too am not very close to my folks and at this point am contemplating marriage. But for me marriage is very different, prime factor is girl's family background. No matter even if she has led a jazzy life her upbringing will influence her in a way for family backgrounds do play a critical role

I wish your friend well and hope nobody loses too much

Random said...


First - Very Well written. I can't write shit, so am not sure if I am capable of even giving some one a compliment. You know what I mean?

Second - I am a silent reader of blogs, I don't leave comments - But am leaving a one here cause I have seen this happening. I have seen how adopted children despite getting the best in life, are never able to play in the same league of the 'family'. It disheartens me, cause I have always believed that people are what they are taught and there is nothing called 'Intrinsic' in such matters.

Though lately, am forced to think bit differently, cause If I start believing this shit - I will be teaching my own kids about Blood and Class (as in lineage). I Hope not and I come across some thing refreshingly different.

oh yes, I am quite young to have kids, I mean not that young but kind of , am a guy am not sure why am I worried for my yet-to-be born kids. Morning Sickness for me tomorrow, I bet. Hope not PMS. There is a reason I don't write comments.

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Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

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