Winds of Change

I know that the bridges that I've burned
Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up, has always been the hardest thing
Until you came

[Chorus]
So lay here, beside me, just hold me, and don't let go
This feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just wake up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast, but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You climbed my walls

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Off you
Off you

So lay here, beside me, just hold me and don't let go
And oh this feeling, I'm feeling, is something I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

Almost a year back, when I shifted here, I came because I was done living in my hometown. I thought i had almost exhausted all possibilities for my career and it was great. Now, it was time to grow more, get to a bigger city, make it bigger, live a bigger life, a new one, with new experiences, new people. I will not say I was not prepared for what I was stepping into. I knew the place, I knew how the people are going to be like, I knew it was not going to be easy for me and I knew, I might change too.

I am mostly typical. My attitude is repetitive when put in similar situations. Every time I am in a new space, I am usually very quiet and shy. I find it hard to be all free, hyper and jumping, like my real self. I come across as formal and arrogant. G thought I gave him attitude too in our first conversation. But I do open up slowly, always. I am not anonymous to all my readers too. One found out, one I opened up to. As much as I may stop myself from trusting people, I just give in. I just open up and end up feeling weak as a person because a closed person always for some reason feels more secure about their secrets, an open person can not. At least, I do not. I feel helplessly weak. I feel like I have been robbed off all that is mine, off all the truth that belongs to me, that is mine. I have shared it, and now it is gone. But that is not all. What is worst is when you want to be yourself but can not. Not because some one's judgement about you is stopping you. But being the real you is making you weak. When your weakness is not the truth about you but the true you.

I know I have changed. I can see it. Feel it. Conscience about it. Dont like it. Yet letting it happen to me. I have done, said things i should not have but I did because they were important. Because I had to stand up for myself. Sometimes, actually mostly, standing up for self meant stooping down but that was the game and to survive, you have to play it dirty. I have never liked the people in this city. I have never liked the city. I find it hard to be like them. To adjust to their ways. Worst, people migrating here, become like them. Now, I understand why. Survival.

To survive, I have made my conscience change too now. Harsh words. Abuses. Rudeness. Shrewdness. Defending self with rude remarks on others. Things i have never known. Things i have never done. Things I do now. Just to survive. Just so I do not remain your punching bag and the butt of all your jokes, your source of entertainment, your simple innocent one who can be used and abused because I say nothing. I would not react to all this because initially I would be shocked at such a behaviour, with time, I did not say anything because I would find it hard to come down to your level. You would push me and I would go down deeper and deeper till I got suffocated. Till I could not breath. Till I re started thinking my decision. Till I sobbed for days in my pillow. Till you made me angry. Till your words pulled me up again, only to put me down to your level. And I did. My simple background. My simple upbringing. My manners. My endurance went for a toss. I am now, one of you. I locked myself in a room, thought for over two months about you. About how you treated me. About how my silence and patience with you became my dumbness and my stupidity. About how I was just another new girl in your city who needed to become one of you to get a visa to stay in your city. And I did. Now, you will not say much to me because initially I shocked you with my unexpected rude replies, as you did to me. Now you will not ridicule me, because now you are getting used to my snarky direct remarks on your flaws. Now you will compliment me even on the worst of my clothes because I might just turn around and snap back at you. Now, I am one of you, so you will not treat me like shit. Now, you will trust me because now even the thought of trusting my patience with you and your god damned city is dead. I smirk at your foolish change that you have to bring every time a new person becomes one of you. Hah. You are one useless piece of shit who will never know simplicity. Who will never know the true world because you are so complex ed. Because you can not trust the real people. But the clever ones will recognise the real balls and come to you. Now, I laugh till I sob myself to sleep because you are the butt of all my jokes. You are not my punching bag, but my boxing glove. You are just so shallow. You may have forced me to change but I never will at heart. I may have become one of you, but I can never be you. You are not a bad person but can make somebody a bad person by forcing them to change. How many of us do actually know how much to change and why, afterall? Thank God, I do.

And you thought I was having it easy here. And you thought I was having fun. Enjoying what I want to do. Enjoying the new 'friends'. Living a life I wanted to? Hah. I am having anything but fun. This is just an experience. An experience i analyze everytime i am alone. When you were there with me, even if it was just our short conversation on phone, I knew i had somebody who kept me close to the real me. You kept me so close to my true self that you made me weak. You made it harder for me to survive in this shithole with these loose tummy asses. I had to let go of you so that I could let go off my true self, even if it meant just on the surface. I tried looking for people around me to find my true self, but no one will ever know the true me the way you have known. The way you have touched the true me. Yes, it was about me. But if it was not this, then I would die. I surely would have. Just to survive, i not only changed myself, but my relationship with you. I had to detach myself from me, from you, who was a part of me. It was never easy. It still is not. Believing in fairy tales is becoming harder by the day. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is about 'us'. It is always 'you' and 'me'. It will never be 'us' again. It will never be 'me' for me, again. I have let you go just to get rid of the true me. I have lost more than I thought. Lost more than planned. Lost you. Lost me. Lost us.

Climbing these walls is hard. Slippery. I am being pulled down, but I will fight day and night with the asses just to survive with the hope that this survival will not be pointless by the end of it. This fight I will win one day and be my true self again, even if that means, being alone. Not like, I am not lonely, now. Your departure from my life may have made my fight easier but tolerating the smell of the shithole is still tough. Your smell helped me survive, but I guess that was not enough and that is why we are where we are. My fingers stop to type 'I Love You' here. I have to fight to write these simple words too. It's not that simple, baby. It's not. It just isn't. No.

Nerver Been Kissed.

"Someone once told me. To write well, you have to write what you know. And this is what I know."

This was to be written a week back but when I did start writing I ended up writing something I did not wish to write about. Or maybe something that did not make me feel too good once I wrote it, thus I never published it. But, after having watched the movie, I am re writing the whole post. I am guessing the way I have wanted to.

Just when Drew Barrymore threw her mic down on the Baseball field, my flatmate1 walked into the room and asked me to lock the door. She was leaving for a movie with her live-in boyfriend. About an hour before she left, my other flatmate2 left to be with her boyfriend for two days because she is taking an off, and even though her boyfriend is going to be busy, she plans to just sit beside him and probably chat with me online to kill her time. And, her boyfriend does the same. Comes over every weekend he is free, even when she is not and stays up all night playing Mafia Wars just to wake her up at an odd hour for her to complete the work or to see if her back pain is giving her trouble in her sleep. Yes, I often hear 'voices' too. But, they are mostly of they whispering or her boyfriend snoring. I guess they are pretty careful. Also, their good luck is that I sleep very sound and mostly early too.

The first two months of staying with Flatmate2, I kept convincing her about dating the guy she is. I always saw this beautiful connection between the two, and RM and I would always convince her and tell her how beautiful it is to be in a relationship. She started dating him just six months ago, just when RM broke up with her guy and now I broke up with mine. The funny thing is RM and I love having our 'Singleton is bliss' conversation and ignore my flatmate when she has a thing to say to us. Why? Probably because we already know how beautiful it is to be in a real relationship.

But I disagree. Honestly, I do not feel as if I have been in a real relationship. It is, more like, having an online or tele soul mate. I have been in two relationships so far. One that went for a good long four years with him sitting in the neighbouring country, visiting India, yet not my city. Hence, we NEVER met during our courtship period. We met just last year, when I went to his country, his city. We hugged and that was the end of our physical relationship. When G happened about two years back. I was not even thinking of being in a relationship. I was losing weight at I don't know what speed and was feeling great about myself. I had guys starting to hit on me. Honestly, the last time I really had guys hit on me was junior school. :P Even though the flirting was happening, I remember going on two dates as well, while I was talking to G and we discussed my miserable dates with these guys who would talk of how I made them feel that I hate men. Well, to a certain extent they were pretty right. In fact, if i met a two three more of their kinds, they would be hated for knowing me so well. G mailed one night, dropping his number because he would not be online and would like to talk to me. I smiled. Felt itchy. It was funny. I felt he was interested in me, but giving me your number puts me off. I like to take my time. I enjoyed talking to him but I did not know if I missed talking to him. Also, giving my number to an online friend whose blog makes me go weak in the knees or makes me roll on the floor with laughter, was something I would not do. Hence, I mailed back a polite short mail telling him "as for d call thing... im not too sure... so... until i den... v hav gtalk :) yay!! :D

c ya soon!! hav fun wt ur friend :)

tc..." I had to go through some 500 mails to copy paste it for you guys. :P And that was that, only for the next one week, until I broke my specs and could not see a thing on my computer screen. I vanished for about three days, but we mailed each other. Sometimes twice a day. Until, I messaged him one night and (like an asshole) he replied after 20 minutes. We got messaging. Then came the call. And the calls increased in duration and number by the day. The I-Like-You began. And at 5 a.m. in the morning, one day, out of nowhere we said 'I Love you'. It took just that one line for me to wake up next to K and break to her that I am going to have my first real relationship. We were excited. We jumped. She hugged. And, that was it. We were 'in a relationship'. In no time, we began discussing how he was going to propose to me for marriage and how we would have multi talented, multi ethnic children. It felt great. I honestly felt that I have never been this comfortable talking to any man in my life. Not even my best friend, AJ. It was beautiful.

Two months later, he managed to get a three day weekend and took a train without any reservation and travelled 50 hours just to see me for 10 hours. Something I would never allow myself to do, but I seemed to have broken all my rules when it came to G. I check into a hotel with him so that we can spend our 10 hours in peace and private. I knew today was the day I was going to get MY FIRST KISS, only this time I could not imagine it. Every time before that, I could always imagine different kinds, different places with different men, my first kiss. But this time, I knew it was coming, but how?

I was sitting on the chair and he on the bed. We sat and talked for about 5 minutes until he asked me to come over and sit beside him. I did. I was feeling shy and weird. It was my first time, like this. I was sitting with this guy for the first time and he was my 'first real boyfriend', whom I am going to kiss in sometime! He asked me to come closer. I moved an inch. We had our hands clasped and just when I was looking at the hands, I do not know what happened, but we were kissing. It took me about 20 seconds to talk to myself and make myself realise that this is a kiss. 'Kiss back', said my mind, next. And when I did, our clothes were off in fifteen minutes. No, we did not have sex. I was for some reason not comfortable getting my panties off. But, he came in front of me. (Something, that would qualify as weird in my dictionary, now. Why? What? What exactly were we thinking?) We made out some more and left for lunch. He talked me into sex over lunch and we bought a pack of condoms before getting into the room again.

We kissed. We made out. We got our clothes off, but he could not get an erection and I could not find my fucking hole! Now, when I look back at it, I find this hilarious and set out a sigh of relief. I am glad I did not have my first sex the day I got my first kiss.

But yes, I do regret having made out to that level or to any level for that matter. It was great. But, the first kiss just got lost somewhere. It was not meant to be that way. It was not meant to be in a hotel room. It was not meant to be without a moment of silence. Without facing each other. With breathing so heavily that you can actually feel each other's chests going in and out. Without having to look into each other's eyes and slowly lean towards each other. Slowly close your eyes and gently feel the lips settling on yours before you start kissing.

I really have no idea about how men imagine their first kisses, but for women, or girls for that matter, first kiss is a big deal. It always was for me too, until it just vanished in the making out and the stupid embarrassing two bra episode. Oh Fuck! I did not just write this. FUCK! What am I? On a spree of letting all my darkest secrets out to you guys? Okay, first the defence, I was not expecting us to make out. Or rather I was more excited about wearing that dress than the two bras. Yes! (hides her face with her hands and howls) I wore two fucking bras the first time I met G. Look! I could not help it. I was wearing a grey shirt and I could not find my 'proper' grey bra. So I wear my 'proper' black bra and then put on this other gray bra which was slightly lose, just so the other color bra does not show. Oh! Whatever. Argh. Now, you know it. Stop laughing! Argh. Argh. Argh.

Anyway, coming back to the point. Bang! Hits you straight on the head with the big fat book in front of me. Yes you! Come back to the main post and stop imagining and laughing at it. Huh. Yeah. So, the point being the first kiss.

G is an excellent kisser. Any of you girls who want to hook up with G now, will be lucky. He is an amazing kisser and fucking hot in bed. I doubt I am going to find anyone better than him in bed. ;) (How I hope I do, though ;)) Even when I did it with him for the first time. That was when I went to visit him for three days. The sex grew to be great. The first was painful. Your hole takes eternity to open up, especially when your first is about 7-8 inches, it is not even funny. But, what about my first kiss. G and I have had some beautiful kisses. Like, in the rain on a lonely bridge in the darkness of the night. Like, the secret stealthily kisses on the ferry. Like the long kiss in bed after sex. Like the recent kiss on New Year's Eve on the pathway, with the sea in front, beautifully decorated and lighted ships and ferries far away in the middle of the sea and fireworks in the background. But, those were not my 'first kiss'.

I am still waiting for it. When I had called up K after my first kiss to tell her about it. She said I was like the girl from 'Never Been Kissed', who took so long to get her first kiss. But K, I am still that Drew Barrymore who was the fat geek in school, yet popular and loved. I am that Drew Barrymore who is still fat but hopes to get her FIRST REAL KISS and pop her leg up or cry and laugh at the same time when she kisses.

Now, as I write the last line of my post. I will look around the fridge to eat something. Clean my room. Put on a new pink bed sheet and lie down with my book, alone because I have long hard day tomorrow, which will lead to an extremely relaxing weekend which I have not had in a long time. The weekend plan only involves my school close friend's engagement to attend. But coming back alone, knowing, I will not have somebody to come back to and creep into my bed just to put my head on his shoulders, get a kiss on my forehead and hear a soft 'Good Night' as he caresses me in his arms. Knowing when I wake up and want to laze in bed and just watch TV or movies with food on bed, I will have no one to cuddle with in my blanket. Knowing when I just want to read, I will not have a lap to rest my head on while he does his own thing. Knowing every time I have a hard day, I will not have supportive quick kisses to calm me down. Knowing when I am too happy, I will not be getting any tight long hugs. Knowing I am not getting a beautiful special kiss which is just meant to be a kiss for a very very long time. Till then, I will be the girl who has 'Never Been Kissed', still fantasizing about her perfect first kiss.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

When the teenager inside you does not grow up!

Word of caution - This is going to be creepy!

What I talk about today is according to me the creepiest thing ever. You may judge hate whatever me. But this, my friend is the truth. And the only truth I have NEVER EVER EVER spoken about to ANYBODY. This is MY secret.
*****************************************************************

For the first time, at 15, I try curling my hair for a cousin's wedding. With my bunch of cousins we reach the venue and I immediately see him sitting beside the groom. My other cousin comes running to tell me how cute 'that guy' beside the groom is. In the next 15 minutes, she had managed to take all the information out and find out his name and place as well. A little later, I have my superly social mother call me and introduce me to some random people including 'that guy's' mum and 'that guy' and his brother. And just when I am done exchanging pleasantries with 'that guy's' mum and turn to say Hi to 'that guy', I notice a bunch of my other overtly excited teenage cousins nudging me and smiling at him. I still remember how awkward that moment was, and you could see 'that guy' loving every inch of it. He knew that all that attention was coming for him and began some random cute conversation with his brother, aloud. To be honest, I found the mom quite a snob. And 'that guy', dumb.

For the next whatever number of days my cousin was living with me, she would only rant about him. She in fact, got a key chain made of his name. Can you beat that!?! She was always crazy. Now, she is married to her Internet boyfriend.

After about a year or two, I see a familiar face looking back at me in the same way, at some random wedding. Thanks to my overtly social mother. And the round of hellos and hugging follow to fat aunties, sweet uncles, decked up girls and shy boys. My mother sends me to get her a glass of water and I come back to another random aunty and uncle, she is talking to. Once again, I am introduced to that 'snob aunty'. Wow. So, the face that that gave me i-am-familiar-with-you smile at the water cooler was 'THAT GUY'. Yes, he looked cute. He was cute after all, but he has a very very funny nose. The 'snob aunty' was a bitch. She introduced me to her husband as my mother's FUCKING SISTER, and then, "Oh! Sorry, Daughter." I could have punched her in the face. Just because I am fat and my face looks beaten up right now, does not mean I am 40! You fucking pretentious whore! I turn around and 'that guy' and I look at each other again. I sensed some stupid connection. And it felt nice.

After some months, I was chatting with my superly excited cousin. She had apparently gotten over him. Told her how I saw him at that wedding. She thought I had a thing for him too. I denied. It was not a complete lie, I would say. I did not crush for him. But, there was something. The kind of feeling you get when you think, this thing is more than just looking at each other at random weddings.

Then, after some years, came orkut. On a boring late night, I looked up for him. It was strange how I still remembered his name. I saw he had a blog. Checked it out and commented on it. From then on, we shared comments on each others' blogs. I knew whose blog I was commenting on. I don't think he did. We had our arguments. We had our agreements on our blogs. It tells you more about a person's mind. Then too, I never fell for him or felt attracted. Gradually, I stopped blogging and so did he. The comments stopped. The only direct connection with him was broken.

Some years later came Facebook and I noticed him on my cousin's husband's list. The first wedding where we had met. I check out his profile and find him in a different continent. He is in the same field as I am. This did interest me. Lucky me, he never had privacy settings. I could see all his wall posts and know not much but, vaguely about him and his life. In between, I meet my cousin and her husband with my mother. Over the years my mother and the 'snob aunty' have become friends. And my mum seems to be enquiring about 'that guy's' marriage. Yes, my mom is quite a match fixer too. She is always getting someone married. I guess, this comes from her being so overtly social and also being liked and trusted. I am a proud daughter of my mother.

I come back home and check his profile again. I do that for some one week and tadah! He is coming back to India. He he he. His wall posts told me that. ;) I also sort of found out that he is probably shifting back. Not too sure of that. Also, through his posts, I almost found that he has a girl fried or had and who she was/is. I cursed her. Prayed to God to conspire and make him meet me this time properly so that we become friends.

Gosh. After all this, I feel like a stalker. And for what? What the hell was I cursing/praying for? NO. I am not attracted to this man. I am NOT crushing on him. I am NOT in love with him. I am NOT... argh. What is it? It is confusing. Frustrating. Annoying. Fun. Gives me stupid teenage kick. Makes me giggle at myself. Makes me feel like a stalker, yes! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Okay. I have an answer. Of all the people from my 'community', he is the one who so far fits my comfort the most, which makes him more 'marriageable' to me, according to me. He is from my community. Yes, such is my love for my mother that as my age increases, this thing is being drilled into me like crazy. We belong to the same field of work. He drinks. Yes. He gets a bonus point here. He is decent looking, except for the nose. The nose is HUGE n WEIRD. It almost covers his face. He has a younger brother who looks like, he will be allot of fun to have a brother-in-law as. LOL @ myself. And, the mothers know each other. Though I doubt she will like me. Stupid Snob Aunty. Actually, for that matter, if I am having an arranged marriage I doubt any of these dominating 40-50 year old women would like me for their sons. They might just accept me because of my mom. Everyone loves my mom. *Proud of you mommy. How do you do this?*

So, I have been contemplating of re starting my blog and leave a comment on his blog to start a conversation once again. Sounds weird to me too. I am scaring myself. I feel psychotic after saying this, because I am stalking someone without a reason. Wow! What a brilliant time pass to have for almost a decade now. Gosh. I have no idea what I will do. And I definitely have no idea what plans does God have. But, it is this feeling inside of me that says, we will meet again. I just know it inside of me. This feeling is bloody strong, which is why I get restless and do whatever stalking I have done. There is something. What? Time will tell. And if it is 'nothing'. I will laugh it off because all said and done. 'That guy' makes me feel like a superly excited teenager crushing on the guy in the class opposite hers. It is fun not knowing him yet finding out about him. Not being attracted to him yet praying to meet him. Not knowing what this connection, this feeling is, but believing in it. He does make my life exciting. ;)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Tik Tok on the Clock! But the part don't Stop!

My status message, "Why is same sex marriage not legal in this country? I would be so much happier spending my entire life with the love of my life, K. Gosh... Distance is really making the heart grow fonder. *Sigh*"

Her reply, "Oh my God! I want you, NOW! You surprise me time and again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you."

Her status message, "Wants L. Her laughter, smile, tears, love mean the world to K. Marry me L."

My reply, "I Do. (Background - And I now pronounce you woman and wife. You both may now kiss.) *SMMMOOOOOCCCHHHIIIEEE*"

I call. She answers.
"I Do."
"I Do too."
We burst into what I would call a fit of laughter.
"Gosh L. We must really get married."
"I swear. We would never get bored of each other. Have so much fun together. And be like the best couple ever."
'Men are very boring anyway."
"Also, you know I can not stay with one man all my life."
"Nor can I. We must seriously get married."
"I was so desperately calling you last night."
"Sorry baby. I was asleep. It was 3 when you called."
"LOL. Yeah. But guess what?"
"What?"
"I was talking to HK last night and we got all so when are you coming to this place and stuff and he was like I am coming soon. My girlfriend is there. IMAGINE!!! My heart broke into pieces. I have been crushing on this fool since SCHOOL. I feel like such a loser. It is like donkey years. When would I get over him?"
"LOL. Who?"
"Some really ugly chick from our school itself. IMAGINE! I mean if he really had to date our school junior, I was fucking there!"
"I think you should tell him."
"Well, last night I was just so fucking bored that i thought I will finally tell him about this crush that I have had on him for like forever but then this stupid conversation about his girlfriend started and I wanted to shoot myself."
"Trust me L, remember how much I crushed on SN. The moment I told him I want to date him. I have not answered his calls since that day. I was over him."
"So telling him means me getting over him?"
"Maybe he getting interested in you. He is in a long distance with an ugly weird girl. Ofcourse he will break up."
"LOL. But this crush is just so much fun."
"Yeaah."
"We should be together I am telling you."
"I honestly think we will end up living with each other. Cause no man would want to live with me."
"K, Like we can tolerate the men in our lives for too long?"
"LOL! I Love you L."
"Yes baby I Love you too."
"But do you really not like my boyfriend?"
"I have not met him since you started dating him, K."
"Come on. He is just so cool. He is nice. He is a dentist. Plays the guitar. Is getting his belly pierced. Wow! And what else?"
"K! What else?"
"Yeah like what else are his qualities?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?"
'Make some up to make me feel good."
"K! You two come here. I shall meet and judge him and then you shall get my approval."
"Oh! Please like him. He is really nice. I will tie him to a pole when you come here next."
"LOL. Cool.... Hey! Imagine Polygamy is not an issue with us too."
"Yeah. We shall easily get our lays here and there."
"Exactly. And no issues with living with ONE MAN all your life. How the fuck do other women manage? Men are such a boring pain."
"Those women are fools. We can share ours."
"Hi5!"
"Hi5!"
"Gosh. We must start living together soon before I kill myself."
"No No L, you are not killing yourself."
"Obviously I am. I have broken up. Other men do not interest me. People I am surrounded with otherwise are choots and I hate my work. Argh. So fucking clueless about life."
'Baby, chill! This phase will go away in two months. Happens with everybody."
"Yeah. And until then I shall hide myself and drown myself in work and not see anybody's face."
"LOL. Like not see anybody's face."
'Else I will end up slapping the world. Most people annoy me to the core."
"Okay. Chill. I will be with you very soon. And we shall live together forever. As of now, I will go eat."
"Fuck! I hate you! I want to have mom made food too."
"I will cook for you."
"Pasta? And that daal?"
"Yes my love, with your curd, humus and rice."
"Now I am a happy girl. The way to your spouse's heart is through the stomach afterall."
"LOL. Love you L."
"Love you too. Muaah."
"Muaah."
"Bye."
"Bye."

Does life get better than this? NO FUCKING WAY! Nothing like having your girlfriends with you. And my best friend really does make my world go round. :) I Love you baby.

I am hooked to this chick party song. You just want to get dressed. Fight for the mirror. Share clothes make up shoes. Suggest Advice each other on the styling. Jump into the car with speakers pumping with loud music and hit the party scene having every guy ogle at you and you just have fun with your girls, all drunk. Listen Tik Tok by Kesha.



Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

On days like these...

Out of habit, I vent out in front of BG.
"Argh. BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY!"
"Get a hug. Eat a Burger. Drink a Beer."
"No hugs available.
Burger - Not in the mood.
If I have Beer then my work will surely get done."
"Okay."

After about an hour.

"Where are you?
"Home. Where else?"
"Okay. I will see you in 10 minutes."
"Uh.. Okay."

10 minutes later, the doorbell rings.
"Hi."
"Hi. You needed a hug na..."

Middle of the night I call K. We speak for an hour and a half about EVERYTHING on this planet, including our own whimsical one. She reassures me of who I am when I need it the most. She knows I am disillusioned. Demotivated. Frustrated. Pissed. Rusting to the extent of losing myself forever. She says the right things and makes things seem so much easier for me.
"You are L! How can you be letting yourself do this to you? Just go ahead and take the decision. I know it will not be easy but then you are not happy anyway. You bloody well do it."

Later after that call.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Sure it is just work?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Then you continue. We will talk tomorrow."
And G and I hang up.

Five minutes later, phone beeps.
"I know you had a bad day. Wish I'de know what happened and wish I could make it better for you. Now that I can not, all I can offer is a big hug with a promise that everything happens for good. Have a nice night baby. Tomorrow is a new day."

Some things can never change between me and G.

It is on days like these you wonder what good did you do in your life that you have such beautiful people in your life who are just there for you.

Thanking you three would be belittling the emotions and the ear to ear unending smile you brought on my face. All I can do is Thank God for having you in my life. Thank you God for making me your special child and someone special for these people. :) I still can not stop smiling. BIG HUG. BIG KISS.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Hanging around!

"You want to sit outside and drink?"
"Outside is good."
"There you go..."
She passed the bottle of Bacardi to me.
As we sat in silence sipping white rum from the bottle, smoking our cigarettes on a cold winter night, there was this beautiful silence we shared.

"So, tell me something, L?"
I knew this was going to be a fun night.
"Well, there is not much to me. Except for my recent break up."
"I still haven't understood why did you break up... but... yeah... whatever."
We take another shot.
She continues, "So, G is the only man you have slept with?"
"Yes. And you?"
"Well, I have slept here and there but as of now I am on a dry spell."
"Well, I am sure I will be on that soon."
"Oh Shut up! Yours has just been a month."
"Exactly! And I have no idea when am I getting it next."
"Oh... that way."
"So, whats the scene with your ex?"
"Creepy. I was juvenile and then I just grew up but he didn't."
"Hhhmmm. What about the other men?"
"Well, I have had things here and there but no relationships."
"Okay."
"This one time, this guy went on and on about how he is so good in bed so I decided to give him a shot. It was the longest I had a sexual relationship with somebody."
"For?"
"For some three months. But I had a deal with him that he was not supposed to fuck any other woman except for me. And he was like, 'So, how is this not a relationship?' I was confused but yeah, i did not want to be just another woman he fucks around with. The moment he decides to get over with this or wants to fuck someone else, either of us, this 'thing' between us would be over. And that was that."
"Thats neat."
"Yeah. I did not want any strings attached."
"I guess I do too and that is why I made the decision that I did."
"I was also dealing with my break up."
"Yeah. And it always takes a random fuck to make things easier."
"That is what we all like to believe but trust me, it never works."
"What are you talking? I have been excited about that bit the most, post break up."
It was time for another 'Cheer's' with a burst of laughter at that moment.
"But really, it does not work."
"I know it doesn't. I am done with sex."
"Same here. Making out is fun but sex is...."
"It can be boring. Making out is the funner part."
"I realised this while having sex with this one guy. I just wanted to get over with it."
"Happens. Just so many times. You wait for your man to cum and just get done with it."
We light up another cigarettes.
"But are you looking for a relationship?"
"I do not mind having one, now. But I do not think I am a relationship person."
"Fuck! I think the same." We hi fived.
"The initial bit is fun..."
"The phone calls. The flirting. The mystery. But later it just gets..."
"Yeah. Why can't relationships last that way."
"Sigh. How I wish they did."
"Maybe I am not interested in a relationship at all."
"I for one am NOT."
We sat in silence, thinking about what we just spoke.
"I think its hitting me. You?"
"Not yet."

And then from nowhere,
"Do you want to get married?" It really had hit her.
"My parents really want me to."
"Do you?"
"Not for the next 10 years, I guess."
"No wonder they want you getting married."
"Well, according to my dad, at 25 you should have kids."
"Biologically yeah."
"Yeah. But that is not my plan."
"You do not want kids?"
"I do. But only when I am done slogging my ass off and have worked enough as per my satisfaction."
"Why is that?"
"Because I want to be a full time mother whenever that maybe."
"I have a feeling you will make a good mother."
"If only I am able to give them what I have planned. I would like to give every second of my life to my kids and see them growing every minute in front of my eyes and not some nanny's."
"You want to give up your career completely later?"
"Well, maybe not completely, but to a great extent, yes. This is something that i can think of because this is what I have seen. I have had my mother 24/7 with me. Why would I not want to be with my children all the time? I consider mothering a full time job which needs to be given justice."
"Wow."
":)"
"But you do not have to marry to have a kid?"
"Yeah. I don't but I would like to. I would like having a partner with whom I can grow too. It is not going to be the kid growing alone in the house, after all."
"Do you like somebody else?"
"Not at all."
"Do you wanna fuck somebody?"
"Well, I was just mentioning this to my best friend, like a Fuck Buddy, but on a serious note, I do not. Told you, done with the sex bit."
I have touched myself only once in the past 1 1/2 months since I last had sex with G in Goa.

His friend joined us. We rolled. We smoked. We got stoned. We hogged. We slept.

But WTF do we women really want? No sex? No relationships? Kids? Marriage? Work? Biological systems? Sociological systems? What exactly is it that we are looking for? Forget about men, Will a woman ever know the answer to this or are we always going to hang around fucking our heads or just compromise on life taking it as it comes?

Life is fucking complicated for a woman.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

And so....

"L, Are you okay?"
"Of course I am. Will you guys stop making a big deal out of it?"
"Look, if you want any kind of sympathy or support, we are there....", they could not say that properly and burst into laughter.

Thank you all for your comments on the previous post. It was quite a mental turmoil but I have figured out what is it that I need and would be right for me at this point of time, which meant a Break up. Yes, this Blog which began more than a year back talking about anything and everything concerning G, including details of our Sex Life, has now come to a sweet end for now.

We talk. We are still friends. There maybe some who may not believe in friendships beyond a break up, but we do. We still love each other and still talk the way we always do. We are still there for each other in the way we always have. We have not lost each other. We are still precious for each other. You can not let go off of such a strong bond in a jiffy. And I do not want to either. We are great together and shall remain great.

For those who maybe confused as to why then did I break up if everything has to remain the same, including the love for each other. As a friend said "you could not take the pressure of a 'label' of being in a relationship", is untrue as many of you may assume. The relationship was anything but a pressure on me. I do know that this big decision has been a selfish one but being in the relationship disheartedly for his sake would be unfair to him too. And by God's grace we share a relationship that is so free that I could afford to talk to him about this and take this decision, and the love so strong that he understood or maybe just pretended to for my sake.

All I know is that this is something I wanted for my personal self. There was something eating me up inside. There was something I can not explain but only understand. There was something telling me this would make a difference to the way I am feeling, and it has. I for some reason am feeling freer, feeling good about myself. I am able to see hope in my future once again. Dream again for self. Love myself more again. Not like all of this would not have been possible with him around but it just was not happening despite trying. But now, it is and I feel greater than before. Feeling this good would not have been possible if G would not have understood my situation. I honestly could not find a better guy. He is.... Chuck it. I do not want to put him in words and trivilise it. He is THAT good. He is my biggest support and will always remain that. If he did not stand by this decision of mine, I would be trapped in my own viscious web.

Thank you for being who you are. For being who you are to me. I may not want to face it on a daily basis but I Love you loads and feel a loss, but I am sorry. I surrendered in front of myself. I really was not able to cope with my own self. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I did not mean being one of your exes. I just ......

I Love you.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses