Friday, March 27, 2009

To be only yours, I Pray

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

hmmmmm, hmmmmm, oooooh.

(Only Hope by Mandy Moore from A Walk to Remember)




When do you start 'demanding' in a relationship? When do you start 'expecting'? I am sure most of us have no answer to that. Just as a relationship is formed by an unknown vibe and force, such things slowly start becoming a part of that relationship. That is why we are humans. Illogical nerds looking for a reason. If we fall in love, it should also be able to answer 'What made me fall in love?' 'When did you fall in love?' 'Why me?' Yes, these are questions asked by women but not like men do not think about it. We know it.

Consider this,

"They are worried that their daughter is turning 27 and they have not found him a suitable match yet."
"Mom, she is just 27. She has a long life ahead."
"You will understand this only when you become a parent."
"Well if you bind your child to options that are limited only up to a particular community in the society. Should not you all be prepared for some delay in that case?"
"One must marry in their community only."
"BUT WHY?"
"Because they SHOULD."
"But the question is WHY."
"Because that is the first preference."
"Why is it the first preference?"
"Because everyone wants their children to marry in the same sect or religion."
"Mom! We are beating around the same bush. Just tell me WHY?"
"Because inter religion marriages do not work out."
"They have not failed because of their religions. Have they?"
"But they have because of their different backgrounds and upbringing."
"What if you find a similar family outside your religion? And what is the guarantee that the same sect family will have a similar family atmosphere?"
"Look, if you want to marry someone outside the religion, GO AHEAD."
Sounds good but that was not the point.
"Let us not take this personally. I really want to know. It is a general perspective world wide. But why is it so? Give me a REASON!", I demanded.
"There is. That is it!"
"You know there is one horrible ideology? We are proud when someone of a different religion changes his religious faith to ours. But another man of our religion turning to another religion will upset us. Why?"
"Because our religion is logical and intelligent."
"Fine agreed. There is good and wrong in different religions, but we are not happy because we think that the person made an intelligent move by converting his faith into ours. We are just happy because we have an additional family member or man in the army. However we may like to look at it."
"It is a stupid thing to leave your religion."
"Does not the same apply to the person who willfully converted to your religion?"
"Easy way out. No one should convert."
"Why not? If they have a mind of their own and want to then why not?"
"Well, every religion teaches you the same thing anyway."
"Then where is the difference?"
Thoughtful silence.
"You know what used to happen in old times? People encouraged marrying in the same community only to make their community strong. That makes sense. So, if you give me a sensible logic for not marrying outside my community, I shall think over it. But unfortunately, most of your generation is brought up like a fanatic. This exists because it does. Not because there is a reason behind it. You have been told something over and over again that you believe it, like a fanatic father teaching his children something without answering his curiosities. That child strongly believes in what his father is saying but knows not why he believes in it."

We have no answers because we have neither questioned nor been answered. The above conversation turned into an argument that emotionally disturbed my mother. She thought I was trying to convince her because G does not belong to the same religion as I do. I was not. I was just the curios kid who was not being answered. Only that I realized I was asking the wrong person. An already unanswered curios kid.

Expectations and Demanding are two things I like to stay away from, but unconsciously fall prey to. Why? Is it interconnected with love? No. Is it because we have been brought up to be that way? Maybe. But most importantly, WHEN are we expecting and not hoping? WHEN are we demanding and not wishing? It may sound so simple and predictable if I answer 'When we put pressure on the other person about our wishes and hopes.' But do we do this knowingly? Sometimes, yes! But most? We are clueless.

I demanded an explanation from my mother expecting an answer. It did not work. I unconsciously demanded G to listen to this entire conversation in the middle of his 'me time' and expected him to hear between the lines and understand. So what if my mother had no answers? So what if G thought his match was more important and the conversation boring? Why should it make me think? Why should it make me feel something is missing in the relationship if we fail to understand sometimes? Why should I victimize my father for not always understanding? Why should I be disappointed if my mother can not fulfill my demands? Why should I feel 'dumped' if G is not interested in something I am saying? When I am there for myself.

Yes! We need people. But do we need them all the time? Why do we demand that kind of attention? Why do we expect that kind of understanding? When I can sit and think about myself. I can talk to myself and understand what I want. If there are questions inside you. There are answers around you. If you can love someone else. You can love yourself. By the end of the day, it is I FOR I.

My mother can not demand a marriage with anyone from me and I can not expect her to understand what I want always, because we first need to understand ourselves. Resolve issues with ourselves. Find answers within. Love ourselves first.

I talk to God. I talk to myself. I sing for myself. I dance to my song. I do so because I am my only hope. I am my best friend. I am my partner in crime. I am my skeleton in the closet. I am my wish. I am my hope. I am my questions. I am my answer. I am the love. I am my strength. I am there ALWAYS, 24*7, literally, for myself.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

I pray to be true to myself. I am my only hope. I do not want to succumb to someone else's demands and lose myself in expectations. I want to be mine. To be only mine, I pray.



Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I am thankful to God for giving me such people who despite my aggression and silent pressures do not find me 'demanding'. I thank you because I believed in you and you believed in me, and we continue to share that relationship. I have tried not being demanding or expectant with you. Hope I have been with you how I wish to treat myself. I Love you. Thank you for living up to the 'expectations', God (Alright, so I did.). There is no one I can love more than you. Kisses. :)

13 comments:

Hopeless Romantic said...

Thats a perfect example of a generation gap..the "demand'supply' always goes on in such a kind of situation....i wont generalize all parents...bt ya most of the time they just dont have a logical reason...they fanatically follow the traditions:)

Estella... said...

i like the way you think....the society is set upon many things which has no logic or purpose and will never hesitate to scandalize people on that basis

izzie said...

Hey...
Thanks for this post... I share your view... but I needed to read it.
I missed coming here... I'm glad you still show up around my place... :)
Thanks for everything, for being yourself...
***

Santanu....... said...

hey nice goin....:)

Rahul Viswanath said...

Great mind at work .... Loved your thoughts and reasoning .... Way to go !!!

Karthik Murali said...

Luscious ,
ppl say , being demandingin a relationship can be harmful.

but its sometime quite imperative , in demanding them , what u need of them.
after all , when u put in so much of
effort , do so much of them , and in the end , if they dont reciprocate , its so much frustrating.

To await a reply for six months for a single question "Why ?" aint demanding.

The other partner is equally responsible to atleast notify the other person what he/she feels or to act according to the other's wishes !

Dipti said...

im happy you have you!!!

im such a very emotionally dependent person

i love this song..

Dipti said...

argh i need to edit my last comment. typos ! dont publish it.

publish this one

im happy you have you!!!
im a very emotionally dependent person

i love this song..

Kritica said...

I talk to God. I talk.........literally, for myself.

I LOVED dis part!!


very much...sniff :(

americanising desi said...

society, one of the bugs no ne can rid emself off.
i dunno how you did so beautifully in capturing the real essence but i felt it.
i m turnin 27 this year too and the agonies are mutual.inside and on the outside.

demand isnt a part of relationship. i think compromise is. at least in some cases.
demands never get the ample supply to complement!

sanely insane said...

I liked this post...for most people understanding relationships is difficult...not that this blog answered the question...

but that it so beautifully framed it...

:)

Dream'R said...

waddup female!!...u turning godly all of a sudden?? ;-)..but i totally see ur reasoning...moms can be like tat..mine s cool though...but u cant really blame them...obv they want wats best for u and wats safe..i guess u understand too..

But anyways U love u..so everythings changa!!..hehe...oh and btw..never talk to a guy while he watches a match...i thought u d know by now!!

sawan said...

i googled the song and i loved it!

first qns and what i believe the answers are:
qns => why should one marry in their religion/community only?
Ans =>
[i] if the parents are from the same religion, they can both teach the same religion to their children. If the religion of the father and mother is different, there is often a conflict of interest. The child is taught two religions and his interest in each is lesser. The child grows up with no roots, with no religion to call his own,and since our traditions and culture are highly entwined with the religion we follow, this could be a loss for the child."why religion" is an entirely different debate.
[ii] if we are talking about a minority race, inter-marriage is the greatest destructor of ancient peoples and their belief. how? look what Jews in US have to say -> In USA, there are more than 2 million Jews. Their young have started inter-marriage with the white Christians on a large scale and the children mostly become Christians. The Rabbis (priests) of the Jews in the USA have said openly, that inter-marriage could destroy the Jewish religion in the USA and have a far worse effect than the Nazi holocaust.
[iii]fear for society [most important]. this could be seen as the most important point here. parents, your's and mine, are scared about the way the society is going to react to the decision of an inter caste marriage in the family. "fuck society" is not an apt comment on it. we depend on society and changing that is NOT practical.
[iv] moving out of your community is like moving out of your comfort zone. you dont know what to expect and when. that doesnt kil you, but yes - change is sure a pain at times.


the above said points does not in any way establish that i am an advocate for religion. i would love to promote inter caste marriages and would love to have a wife from another caste. the statements are my take on the questions asked and is not intended to bring any conflicts among any one.

second: u have urself for u, so why demand from others and expect them to give? :) good question. you are none alone. doubt? imagine a scenario where in you do not depend on any one else but you. "depend" does not mean depending on ur bro to take you to some store, depending on ur mom to answer ur queries and depending upon ur love to listen to you. it also means depending on ur parents for shelter, depending upon teachers for education, even depending upon the farmers for food. u learn new things from others, be it good or bad. Only that I realized I was asking the wrong person. An already unanswered curios kid. - ur words. only when u asked her about ur thoughts did you know that she din have the answers. thats a new lesson learned - most of the older generation was brought up like a fanatic and thats what they are doing right now to our generation! its good to have you for yourself, and its equally good to expect and demand. dont think too much. just observe and learn :)

u take care swthrt and sorry for that looooong comment :)

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S.A.D. BLOGATHON ANNOUNCEMENT

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