Friday, April 24, 2009

Learn those Moves

I am up earlier than usual. Free time is always used for Blogging and I start up my system only to feel moist between my legs. His face on my desktop turned me on instantly with past flashes of our sweating sex. If only we were together I would have been on top of him riding for the perfect start of the day. But then, 'If' is merely a convenient word to make you feel the way you want to.

I move on to do what I had in mind. Read Blogs and maybe hunt some new ones too. The easiest way to do so is from the Comments Box. So, after I am done commenting on one of my Followed Blogs I notice a rather interesting comment. I hate advertisers invading Comment pages. So, now you know why the Comment moderation on my Blog. Mr. Commentator was a Writer of some 'Guide for the Good girls' kind of a 'Self Help' Book. Out of curiosity and expectation I visit his page imagining a page loaded with advertisements on both sides of his Blog posts. Blog posts which would be about Women, Men, his Books, Readers. Heated comments. Sweet comments. Thankful comments. Sorry comments. Only to discover a simple, no advertisement, no Blog page. All his page advertised was his own book and offered a CRASH COURSE for Dirty Divas. LMAO. I am extremely sorry but sounds like some extremely cheap low budget Porn Flick. And if it is an Indian one, then it would be 'Daartee Deevaah!' or maybe 'Devi gone Dirty'. Alright. Sleeplessness taking its toll. The page advertised how a woman does not know how to talk dirty. Get your free guide NOW! All that was needed to get the guide to 101 ways of becoming a bad girl from good, was your e-mail. Subscribe and bombard your Inbox with mails helping you become the new seductress and give your man that instant hard on.

I almost fell for it. Thankfully, I snapped back to senses within seconds. Why the fuck should I learn from you Mr. Unsatisfied how to talk to my man? Why should any woman pick up your book? Probably your woman was 'good' and did not know how to verbally stimulate you does not mean other women do not know it either.

I have forever been against Self Help books. Success. Money. Love. Sex. Relationships. Friendship. How to Train your Servant. 1000 Ways to steal your Friend's Husband away. Your guide to get rid off those Stalkers. There seems to be a Best seller User Manual available for everything. Do we need to be taught emotions now? Such books claim to teach and help you do something you already know. They just make you believe you do not know and that you are one incapable lazy ass! I have never understood HOW can you teach something like Dirty Talking to anyone? If you really want to get dirty verbally, our sexually active hormones help us. Always. They make you say the 'right' things, naturally. You will not have to flip the pages of a book to check what should you say next.

Sometimes, great dirty talking is an art. You have it or you do not. It can not be taught. And most importantly, the want to talk dirty has to come naturally, you can not just open the book and flaunt your newly learnt talent. It takes away all the fun from it. You have to be in a naughty mood. Not necessarily, sexual.

Apart from all the sex talk, dirty talking is also poop talk. His guide for the 'good' girls should probably teach women to talk comfortably about poop too. What is so 'Eeeoow' about Shit? Why can a woman not sit and enjoy a stupid detailed conversation about some body's 'lose' health? But walk out calling it gross. Probably he would not talk about Poop Talk in his book because he thinks women generally do not like talking about it. Or maybe they do not want to learn something they already know but chose not to indulge in. Just like sex talk.

I remember how S let out her bedroom secret and suggested P to talk dirty in bed. P was a clueless virgin who looked blank, "How do you do that?" We did not have an answer to her question. Simply because you will talk that way
a) If you want to.
b) If you are in the 'mood'. (Naughty. Sexual. Tease. They all qualify for 'in the mood'.)

No one can teach you to be sexy. YOU ARE SEXY. When you are with the man or woman you want to use all your moves on. You do. A fucking Book can not tell you when should you get on top of a man, bite his ear and say 'Make me crazy. Make me moan.' All, that book does is stare at you in the face and remind you of what an Incapable Lazy Ass you are. Self Help books mock you. Your potential. Your abilities. It goes not just for sex, but success too. Move that ass and you will have whatever you want. Wasting time to read HOW to be successful will only make you lose time.

Phew. Self Help Books make me crazy! Make me moan! out of rage.

Love 'n' Peace.



Ms.R. said...

I love reading your posts - office or not ;)

Anonymous said...

Haha! :D
A friend recently told me the same thing about self help books. "I'd have done it ten times by the time I read the book!"

Dipti said...


hm, make me moan, make me craazzyy bayybee...

i hate self-help section too. i read "how to make friends and influence people" just because my dance instructor told me to. i was like, okay man i will read was okay .. timepass. it didn't teach me how to make friends. it had tricks to make people do what you want them to do. i never used them

dirty-talking book would be funny. i'm sure we can write it too

poop-talk - i love. he doesn't :(

яノςんム said...

self hlp book to become sexy!!

it sounds like it will next teach u how d u get an orgasm or how to moan!!

wat crap!!

Dipti said...

aaah....mmm....yeah baby....ohh!!...yessss babyy.....yes yes....oh yeah i love you honey.....mmmmm...

-- My Fav Quote

T-REX said...

Aah..I love the way you do it do it...the writing i mean.

Anonymous said...

yayyy now that is the attitude i have when i get emails and forwards regarding 'how to woo your man!' ' how to keep your man' 'how to get a man'
hahahha no one but self can guide one to better territories :D

Anonymous said...

Why did you have to write all this?
I mean...almost everyone who's sensible enough knows that Self-Help Books are no good !

uglyduckling91 said...

I was self taught. =P

Komal said...


Gosh!! How to take someone's husband away *silliest giggle ever*

sanely insane said...

I had read this post the day u had posted it, but have been in quite an emotional turmoil for the last one week, so been keeping away, couldnt come out with my smart assy self :P

yeah u know i saw this gmail ad which was along the same lines; i can't believe it some buggers have this as their means of about conmen i say!!!

and i agree with u...if the partners are in sync...then the naughtiness and the mood comes in by itself and the two will do...err whatever it is they like to do :P

sawan said...

thts a lot of sense :)
wish the auther of that sad book reads his post :P lol

luv ya grl, god bless ya.

Rahul Viswanath said...

I think you got your lessons right ..... Way to go !!! ;-)

oo7 said...

first time here...
i love this blog...rolling you on dew.

will be here often...


Sumit said...

its been long since i bothered with such spam... but, yeah how one teach all dat?? :O
i thought it was all about talent n picking up the right cues...

Don't Be a Slut said...

Great post. I'm still laughing about "How to train your servant."

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