Why blame it on PMS?

"I did not mean the sorry."
"OK. Then I am sorry."
"No. Please do not be if you do not mean it. I did not mean it and that is why I am telling you. I want to be honest."
"OK. Then even I am not sorry."
"Shall we go for some tea?", he asked in his sweet voice.
"No. I do not want to talk. Bye."
"Bye."

I stared at the phone for ten minutes by the watch. He did not call back. I sobbed like a call would save my relationship. We obviously had 'nothing to talk', according to him.

Called him all day. He was busy. Understandable. No issues. Like always, when we talk, he tells me everything about his office, his friends, his plan for the next 3 hours. Sometimes, he sounds like Sunali Kulkarni's boyfriend from Dil Chahta Hai. The one who remembers the day date time and place where he used to buy a 'heart shaped' balloon from. LOL. Subodh was his name. Then I tell him how my plans of coming to his city have changed and the chances of shifting there are seeming difficult. He pleads how I should try my level best. He also scolds me on something I should be doing but am not. And then all of a sudden says, 'OK. Bye'. I ask for more time and he says the usual, "We have nothing to talk." And as always, he has decided for me too that we have nothing to talk.

Ofcourse, I have lost it. I am angry. I am hurt. Hurt more than angry. We fight over how I do not want to talk to him now and he insists on how we should, now. I tell him in my true irritable tone, "You are irritating me." Well, if you try babying your woman at the wrong time. Trust me, you are nothing but annoying her. I scream. Am rude. He probably (obviously) did not like the way I was talking to him. We hang up.

I call him back to apologize. He accepts and we hang up immediately again. He had 'nothing to say'. My tone was cold. Trying hard to feel that way too but failed.

We fought over the same thing just two nights before. We had phone sex and within 5 minutes 'we had nothing to talk', as if talking for those 5 minutes was also a part of 'Lets talk otherwise she will feel how selfishly I hung up right after sex'. I did express my complaint on 'how we do not talk' but did not mention how weird it felt. I maybe wrong in the way I am feeling. I hope I am but how come I never get to decide whether we have something to talk or not?

I am definitely not somebody who likes sticking to the phone. I do not even like talking on the phone. It is a bloody waste of time. But there is just one person I want to talk my heart out to. Unfortunately, lately I am nearing something I dread - Feeling uncomfortable talking about anything to him. The last time when I wanted to talk about my sister's decision. I did not talk to him about it, not because I did not want to, but cause I did not know how to. If this continues I will slowly forget my comfort with him. I will forget how to talk to him carelessly about everything. Communication is the only fucking thing that keeps a relationship alive. I do not want to lose that.

I understand he gets tired. He wants to be with himself. He just does not want to talk. But please do not try covering that with a 'we have nothing to talk about'. I was hurt because I really had allot to say, hear and talk about. And have it for many days. I agree I do not start 'talking' immediately, like it was all pre decided or computerized in my head - 'Next pause and start with your story, L'. And before you reach your comfort zone and start what you want to, you can do nothing but talk to yourself about it. When the other person has already decided for me too, whether I have something to say or not, then what am I suppose to do?

I hate being the first one to call all the time. I hate being the one who wants to always 'talk'. Makes me feel like I am pushing him into doing something he does not want to do. That is not even the last thing that I would want.

I know I have hurt him today with my behavior. It hurts me more to know that I have hurt the man I love. I would do anything to see him happy. Probably even stop expecting him to hear me when I want to 'talk'. But would I be doing any good to myself? Our relationship? To him? Faking, really isn't good. Let us not call it 'compromise'. We all know how much 'compromises' keep us happy. Either understand or clear it out. I do not know what to do. Would he understand what I am trying to clear out? Or would he call it another 'PMS Conversation'?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - This post is dedicated to Dipti. She helped me find out something I have been trying to figure out over months. Why do couples have PMS fights? She said, "pms fights are mainly because the guy starts getting worked up the moment you tell them you are pmsing, cuz they start dreading from that moment that you will be a different intolerable horrible woman for the next few days lol" I Love you, Dips. :) Big hug and a big kiss for you.