Love hurts....

CHECK THIS OUT!

Last night a friend of mine asked me a 10,000 billion pound question. "L, tell me something. What is a difference between a lover and a friend?" After allot of thinking and beating around the bush, I came to the conclusion, "You just know it. It is your feeling. No one can know it better than you yourself can."
"I think I am forgetting how to love."
"You can not. It is something that comes naturally to us humans. We love love."
"I don't think anyone loves me here."
"I love you. I am here."
"I know.... but..."
"It is alright. It is just a phase. Let yourself open and you will feel better."
He tells me now how he has been in love with this girl for a year. They talk. They chat. She says "We are just friends" yet drops hints at him and also expects him to tell her all the time how much he still wants her just to shoo it off with a "I am confused. I do not know anything right now. Let us be the 'best of friends'."
"It hurts, L."

He is right when he is asking me that question. I may have played around "A best friend can be a lover and a lover can be your best friend too. On the contrary a best friend may not make a great lover and vice verse." Thankfully, I have found a lover in an interesting man and a great friend in a lover. But, what is the difference after all?

I thought I was in love with my best friend even after two weeks of being with G. There were moments where I was sure I was not in love with Aj, but there were a billion doubts that surrounded that supposed surety. I cried when I met him last. Why? Because he said something which had hurt me and I did not tell him about it till the end. We kept talking and meeting. He was leaving the country next day, for six months. He dropped me home and did not let me go out of the car. He could sense something was on my mind. He insisted I tell him. I could not. Instead I dashed out of the car with tears dropping down my cheeks unstoppably. I had no idea why was I crying. I felt horrible. I felt weird. Disgusting. Strange. Confused.

I said I was in love with G. But here, I was crying for some odd reason which I did not even know, for him. For my best friend. For the guy who treats me like his guy friend. I needed a friend at that time. Aj was definitely out of the question. G? NOWAY. We had just started off and discussing this would make things horrible between us specially when I am not clear in my own head. I called K, my soulmate. I just cried. She asked, "Did Aj say something?"
"No. He dropped me. Asked me what was up with me but I left."
"Are you in love with him?"
"I don't know."
"God! I always knew you were. Since school I knew this."
I sobbed. She calmed me down. Something she is actually horrible at.

I pondered all night and realized.
I just love Aj too much. So much as a friend that I could do anything for him literally. When I say love is the most important feeling for me. I mean it. Aj and K are family. Infact K and I love each other so much that we openly confess "We could make love to each other if that was the only way left to express our love for each other." I guess that is how much I have always loved Aj too. Probably the only reason why I never thought I could be 'in love' with K because I am a hetrosexual. Probably because the only man I loved so much after Papa was him. I was misunderstanding my own feelings. Crying had afterall helped. I knew Aj was the best friend I could die for. He was the guy whom I love so much and not 'loved loved'. But, I loved, nonetheless.

We met again the next day. We spoke. We laughed. He teased me about G. We loved. K was happy to see us this way. We hugged. We left.
K - "Why are you so quiet?"
L - "No. Nothing."
K - "Gosh. I hate Aj. God knows what happens to you after you meet him."
There was a moment here. A moment where I almost thought 'what if I am using G to get over Aj?'
L (smiling) - "I know I love G."
K - "Great. I am happy."
L - "I am happy with him too."

I have come to know myself better since that day. I am not really that closed and unfeeling a person as I thought I was. I love loving. I love loving everyone and everything. I love LOVE. No doubts about it anymore. And knowing this. Accepting whatever comes with love, including hurt makes you more human. More real. 'Cause without love I wont survive.

Now, I am waiting for Aj. He is coming today for two days then he will go to G's city. We will spend those two days together. Having fun. Sharing love. (He has finally broken up with his four year old girlfriend. Silly that girl was. I always told him to break up because I thought she was dumb and also because I knew he did not love her. After a thousand tries, he finally has broken up. So, there is lots to catch up on.)
:)

P.S. - The other day G and I were discussing Incubus. I realized I had not heard Incubus in a long time. Did that and could not find a more perfect song.