Monday, January 5, 2009

Love hurts....

video

Last night a friend of mine asked me a 10,000 billion pound question. "L, tell me something. What is a difference between a lover and a friend?" After allot of thinking and beating around the bush, I came to the conclusion, "You just know it. It is your feeling. No one can know it better than you yourself can."
"I think I am forgetting how to love."
"You can not. It is something that comes naturally to us humans. We love love."
"I don't think anyone loves me here."
"I love you. I am here."
"I know.... but..."
"It is alright. It is just a phase. Let yourself open and you will feel better."
He tells me now how he has been in love with this girl for a year. They talk. They chat. She says "We are just friends" yet drops hints at him and also expects him to tell her all the time how much he still wants her just to shoo it off with a "I am confused. I do not know anything right now. Let us be the 'best of friends'."
"It hurts, L."

He is right when he is asking me that question. I may have played around "A best friend can be a lover and a lover can be your best friend too. On the contrary a best friend may not make a great lover and vice verse." Thankfully, I have found a lover in an interesting man and a great friend in a lover. But, what is the difference after all?

I thought I was in love with my best friend even after two weeks of being with G. There were moments where I was sure I was not in love with Aj, but there were a billion doubts that surrounded that supposed surety. I cried when I met him last. Why? Because he said something which had hurt me and I did not tell him about it till the end. We kept talking and meeting. He was leaving the country next day, for six months. He dropped me home and did not let me go out of the car. He could sense something was on my mind. He insisted I tell him. I could not. Instead I dashed out of the car with tears dropping down my cheeks unstoppably. I had no idea why was I crying. I felt horrible. I felt weird. Disgusting. Strange. Confused.

I said I was in love with G. But here, I was crying for some odd reason which I did not even know, for him. For my best friend. For the guy who treats me like his guy friend. I needed a friend at that time. Aj was definitely out of the question. G? NOWAY. We had just started off and discussing this would make things horrible between us specially when I am not clear in my own head. I called K, my soulmate. I just cried. She asked, "Did Aj say something?"
"No. He dropped me. Asked me what was up with me but I left."
"Are you in love with him?"
"I don't know."
"God! I always knew you were. Since school I knew this."
I sobbed. She calmed me down. Something she is actually horrible at.

I pondered all night and realized.
I just love Aj too much. So much as a friend that I could do anything for him literally. When I say love is the most important feeling for me. I mean it. Aj and K are family. Infact K and I love each other so much that we openly confess "We could make love to each other if that was the only way left to express our love for each other." I guess that is how much I have always loved Aj too. Probably the only reason why I never thought I could be 'in love' with K because I am a hetrosexual. Probably because the only man I loved so much after Papa was him. I was misunderstanding my own feelings. Crying had afterall helped. I knew Aj was the best friend I could die for. He was the guy whom I love so much and not 'loved loved'. But, I loved, nonetheless.

We met again the next day. We spoke. We laughed. He teased me about G. We loved. K was happy to see us this way. We hugged. We left.
K - "Why are you so quiet?"
L - "No. Nothing."
K - "Gosh. I hate Aj. God knows what happens to you after you meet him."
There was a moment here. A moment where I almost thought 'what if I am using G to get over Aj?'
L (smiling) - "I know I love G."
K - "Great. I am happy."
L - "I am happy with him too."

I have come to know myself better since that day. I am not really that closed and unfeeling a person as I thought I was. I love loving. I love loving everyone and everything. I love LOVE. No doubts about it anymore. And knowing this. Accepting whatever comes with love, including hurt makes you more human. More real. 'Cause without love I wont survive.

Now, I am waiting for Aj. He is coming today for two days then he will go to G's city. We will spend those two days together. Having fun. Sharing love. (He has finally broken up with his four year old girlfriend. Silly that girl was. I always told him to break up because I thought she was dumb and also because I knew he did not love her. After a thousand tries, he finally has broken up. So, there is lots to catch up on.)
:)

P.S. - The other day G and I were discussing Incubus. I realized I had not heard Incubus in a long time. Did that and could not find a more perfect song.

33 comments:

Dipti said...

it's a good song, loved it! thanks for sharing

love freak.. it's awesome that you have such dear friends who love you and who you love so much!! always hold on to them ..

i guess you were just sad when Aj was leaving for 6 months and that's why you cried..

i get very mad when i cry without reason!! and after thinking.. 5 reasons slap you in the face

Don't Be a Slut said...

Luscious, just wanted to thank you for following my blog, all your funny comments and for adding me to your blog roll.

I just returned the favor ... kisses!

seher's shenanigans said...

great song!! thank you for postin it.
i fell in love with my best friend... and i know that there is absolutely no difference when it comes to real love.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Dipti,

I can not live without them.

No D. It was the emotional turmoil going inside that was coming out. And maybe some of it was PMS.

I'll tell you a little secret. Crying is healthy. It releases all your stress toxins and makes you feel good and look good ofcourse. Say bye bye to toxins next time you see tears falling off. ;)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Dont be a slut,

Thank you for dropping by.

I really like your blog.

Hope to see you around.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Seher,

You're welcome. :)

I am so glad to have found a partner here. :)

Kisses.

seher's shenanigans said...

and i am sad that my best friend married a woman who cant stand me and him even being friends... it is crazy and totally mad!
i wonder if i'd b an insecure woman!

Karthik Murali said...

one needs a good memory to remember all the initials .Aj,G,K,L , etc and also their corresponding genders..
lol... thats quite a task

btw , u jus need a bit of time . it will distance out the right people and bring closer the ppl u need the most...

ki said...

OMG! Happened to me as well!!! And I'm happy because I still have the best of both worlds...my best friend AND my guy :)

Dipti said...

really?? I'm going to cry everyday now for a month and see the results

mwahh

Anonymous said...

Hey lovely post.

Kenneth said...

That post was quite brilliantly put, considering the delicate nature of the subject matter intertwined with the chords of your emotion.

Now for some humour. Your initials for people are beginning to sound like names for chemicals : N (N = Nitrogen), S (S = Sulphur), K (K = Pottasium), G (G = Gandu), Aj (Ar = Argon), B (B = Boron), P (P = Phosphorus)...ok I've Impressed/Humoured/Pissed u off enough for now.

Kaber said...

Oh dear. I think I am tempted to read your blog from the beginning to understand. Is that a band, and the little thin you'd embedded didn't show on my browser.

Cheers (er, I'm shy of kissing ;P )

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Seher,

All women are insecure. We are 'naturally' jealous, so her behavior is quite understandable.

I would only say, 'Get over it'. Let it not make you insecure or even worry you. Let it go. It will only hurt, otherwise. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Karthik,

The names of people are not as important as their behavior is relative to ours.

I guess I almost have understood that. :)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Ki,

Isn't it perfect that way itself?

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Dipti,

LOL. Let me know too. ;)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Kenneth,

Thank you.

Replace the slashes with 'and's. All at the same time. I have hated chemistry all my life. :P

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Kaber,

Will love your comments there too. Hope to see you around more often now. :)

Incubus is the band. Love Hurts is the song. If you click on 'Check this out', it will take you to the you tube link of this song with lyrics.

LOL. Should not be. It is the best way to tell the world you love yourself and the world.

Kisses.

Vigneshwar said...

Nice post, on something what I always wished to write about.First timer to your blog and i loved the way you write
cheers:)

T-REX said...

god why didnt i find ur blog before.you made me sentimental.loved the post.I wish i could be this clear about what or who i want

sawan said...

sorting out relationships are like the toughest part of life. happy tht uve done it :) njoi ur life with all the grt people around you.

peace

Twisted Elegance.... said...

I always believe we force ourselves into love. If we just don't think about it I guess we will do well. Love is a commitment and any commitment is painful

Great blog you have!

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Vigneshwar,

Thank you.

Hope to see you around more often.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear T-Rex,

Thank you for the compliments.

I am sure you will too, someday be that clear. Wish you all the best for it.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Sawan,

I agree with you and to be immodestly true, I am proud of having done that.

:)

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Twisted Intelligence,

We do not force ourselves into love but we are all definitely hungry for love. It is our egos that comes in the way and we end up hurting ourselves. :)

Kisses.

raju said...

nice blog

Mystique Wanderer said...

you won't believe what i just wrote...

http://callmesmith.blogspot.com/2009/01/tumultuous-innings.html

an uncanny sense of dejavu came to me reading your post...

hey also..i just set up my kinky perverse blog finally...its invite only...so if you or anybody else you know who would like to read it...send me the id to which i should mail the invite

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Raju,

Thanks.

Kisses.

Luscious Sealed Lips said...

Dear Mystic Wanderer,

I'll check out the link.

Kisses.

izzie_tisha said...

Hey... in this post you kinda of draw my last love experience... although I'm moving fowards and the crying/releasing toxins is being done too... this post hutt, the good way, 'cause you said something that has been scaring me for some time now... the being able to feel/love part... thanks for thinking out loud like you do. I found in you another "piece" of my journey about this situation.
Now, after this last month, I'm more like your friend... not knowing in I can love and just knowing it hurts... but at least someone, you, have the conscience to help us through it all...
Kisses***

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S.A.D. BLOGATHON ANNOUNCEMENT

Luscious Sealed Lips and The Sassy Spinster had announced a Singles Awarness Blogathon Week, from February 9th'09 to February 13th '09 to mark the celebration of the Singles Awareness Day on February 14th'09.

The Final participants of the S.A.D. Blogathon are Saroj, Single Hilarity, d Rat and Piyush Tainguriya, along with my co partner, Chrys, who updated her blog everyday through out the week.

Please do visit their blogs and read their special and interesting S.A.D. posts on Singleton.

Thank you!