Hanging around!

"You want to sit outside and drink?"
"Outside is good."
"There you go..."
She passed the bottle of Bacardi to me.
As we sat in silence sipping white rum from the bottle, smoking our cigarettes on a cold winter night, there was this beautiful silence we shared.

"So, tell me something, L?"
I knew this was going to be a fun night.
"Well, there is not much to me. Except for my recent break up."
"I still haven't understood why did you break up... but... yeah... whatever."
We take another shot.
She continues, "So, G is the only man you have slept with?"
"Yes. And you?"
"Well, I have slept here and there but as of now I am on a dry spell."
"Well, I am sure I will be on that soon."
"Oh Shut up! Yours has just been a month."
"Exactly! And I have no idea when am I getting it next."
"Oh... that way."
"So, whats the scene with your ex?"
"Creepy. I was juvenile and then I just grew up but he didn't."
"Hhhmmm. What about the other men?"
"Well, I have had things here and there but no relationships."
"Okay."
"This one time, this guy went on and on about how he is so good in bed so I decided to give him a shot. It was the longest I had a sexual relationship with somebody."
"For?"
"For some three months. But I had a deal with him that he was not supposed to fuck any other woman except for me. And he was like, 'So, how is this not a relationship?' I was confused but yeah, i did not want to be just another woman he fucks around with. The moment he decides to get over with this or wants to fuck someone else, either of us, this 'thing' between us would be over. And that was that."
"Thats neat."
"Yeah. I did not want any strings attached."
"I guess I do too and that is why I made the decision that I did."
"I was also dealing with my break up."
"Yeah. And it always takes a random fuck to make things easier."
"That is what we all like to believe but trust me, it never works."
"What are you talking? I have been excited about that bit the most, post break up."
It was time for another 'Cheer's' with a burst of laughter at that moment.
"But really, it does not work."
"I know it doesn't. I am done with sex."
"Same here. Making out is fun but sex is...."
"It can be boring. Making out is the funner part."
"I realised this while having sex with this one guy. I just wanted to get over with it."
"Happens. Just so many times. You wait for your man to cum and just get done with it."
We light up another cigarettes.
"But are you looking for a relationship?"
"I do not mind having one, now. But I do not think I am a relationship person."
"Fuck! I think the same." We hi fived.
"The initial bit is fun..."
"The phone calls. The flirting. The mystery. But later it just gets..."
"Yeah. Why can't relationships last that way."
"Sigh. How I wish they did."
"Maybe I am not interested in a relationship at all."
"I for one am NOT."
We sat in silence, thinking about what we just spoke.
"I think its hitting me. You?"
"Not yet."

And then from nowhere,
"Do you want to get married?" It really had hit her.
"My parents really want me to."
"Do you?"
"Not for the next 10 years, I guess."
"No wonder they want you getting married."
"Well, according to my dad, at 25 you should have kids."
"Biologically yeah."
"Yeah. But that is not my plan."
"You do not want kids?"
"I do. But only when I am done slogging my ass off and have worked enough as per my satisfaction."
"Why is that?"
"Because I want to be a full time mother whenever that maybe."
"I have a feeling you will make a good mother."
"If only I am able to give them what I have planned. I would like to give every second of my life to my kids and see them growing every minute in front of my eyes and not some nanny's."
"You want to give up your career completely later?"
"Well, maybe not completely, but to a great extent, yes. This is something that i can think of because this is what I have seen. I have had my mother 24/7 with me. Why would I not want to be with my children all the time? I consider mothering a full time job which needs to be given justice."
"Wow."
":)"
"But you do not have to marry to have a kid?"
"Yeah. I don't but I would like to. I would like having a partner with whom I can grow too. It is not going to be the kid growing alone in the house, after all."
"Do you like somebody else?"
"Not at all."
"Do you wanna fuck somebody?"
"Well, I was just mentioning this to my best friend, like a Fuck Buddy, but on a serious note, I do not. Told you, done with the sex bit."
I have touched myself only once in the past 1 1/2 months since I last had sex with G in Goa.

His friend joined us. We rolled. We smoked. We got stoned. We hogged. We slept.

But WTF do we women really want? No sex? No relationships? Kids? Marriage? Work? Biological systems? Sociological systems? What exactly is it that we are looking for? Forget about men, Will a woman ever know the answer to this or are we always going to hang around fucking our heads or just compromise on life taking it as it comes?

Life is fucking complicated for a woman.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

And so....

"L, Are you okay?"
"Of course I am. Will you guys stop making a big deal out of it?"
"Look, if you want any kind of sympathy or support, we are there....", they could not say that properly and burst into laughter.

Thank you all for your comments on the previous post. It was quite a mental turmoil but I have figured out what is it that I need and would be right for me at this point of time, which meant a Break up. Yes, this Blog which began more than a year back talking about anything and everything concerning G, including details of our Sex Life, has now come to a sweet end for now.

We talk. We are still friends. There maybe some who may not believe in friendships beyond a break up, but we do. We still love each other and still talk the way we always do. We are still there for each other in the way we always have. We have not lost each other. We are still precious for each other. You can not let go off of such a strong bond in a jiffy. And I do not want to either. We are great together and shall remain great.

For those who maybe confused as to why then did I break up if everything has to remain the same, including the love for each other. As a friend said "you could not take the pressure of a 'label' of being in a relationship", is untrue as many of you may assume. The relationship was anything but a pressure on me. I do know that this big decision has been a selfish one but being in the relationship disheartedly for his sake would be unfair to him too. And by God's grace we share a relationship that is so free that I could afford to talk to him about this and take this decision, and the love so strong that he understood or maybe just pretended to for my sake.

All I know is that this is something I wanted for my personal self. There was something eating me up inside. There was something I can not explain but only understand. There was something telling me this would make a difference to the way I am feeling, and it has. I for some reason am feeling freer, feeling good about myself. I am able to see hope in my future once again. Dream again for self. Love myself more again. Not like all of this would not have been possible with him around but it just was not happening despite trying. But now, it is and I feel greater than before. Feeling this good would not have been possible if G would not have understood my situation. I honestly could not find a better guy. He is.... Chuck it. I do not want to put him in words and trivilise it. He is THAT good. He is my biggest support and will always remain that. If he did not stand by this decision of mine, I would be trapped in my own viscious web.

Thank you for being who you are. For being who you are to me. I may not want to face it on a daily basis but I Love you loads and feel a loss, but I am sorry. I surrendered in front of myself. I really was not able to cope with my own self. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I did not mean being one of your exes. I just ......

I Love you.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses