Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Typical Indian Male

"Yes... I didn't get gang raped. Heading Home... SAFE!"
":) Love you. Hope you enjoyed it."
"Long conversation... man!"
Message delivered to K.

I rush into an auto, just cause its been over seven hours and I have not gotten my damned smoke. After ages it was a peaceful, no traffic early morning ride back home. Courtesy calls - I message him. But no, I don't want to. Why? Conversation with self last night.

I walk out of the washroom feeling shy and naked. Rush for my shirt on the chair.
"Unfair. I am still naked. You can sleep naked too."
I smile and lay beside him. TC puts his arm around me. I put my hand on his thankfully no hair chest. Or maybe there were some. Too dark for me to see and nothing that I felt. But I liked cause I was being held after a long time.

"Umm... If my arm stays around you like this, I wont be able to sleep."
I smile and begin to move back. TC grabs me back and we get onto it for the second time.

I came. Thankfully, cause I did not think he was capable of it after he felt hesitant about going down on me and even about turning around and me getting on top of him. What? Really? Do men in today's world deny getting some effortless pleasure? Or did he sense my You-ain't-getting-this-right-Mr.- let-me-take-over feeling? I hope he sensed it. So instead I turn around and well almost did it from behind.

There were times I could not help but laugh. I am sure it hurt his 'mardangi'. But sorry my dear stranger, you had a eight month dry patch, Me, not even a month.

"When was the last time you did it?"
He smirked, "Eight months."
"Fuck! That's long!"
"Two weeks.."
An uncomfortable, "Two weeks! I should be the one saying Two days!"
I knew what he was thinking. Yet, the cheap ass that I am, I poked and asked.
"Why do you say that?"
"Cause I'm a guy!"
-1000000000000000000 Sorry stranger, you're points are in negative now. You lost too many too soon already.
"That is bloody chauvinistic of you!"
"Yes! The Male Chauvinistic Pig."
"Pig? You are a fucking asshole who will be getting no more sex from me, Asshole. Not just cause you're a chauvinist, also cause you ain't good, my love. Oh wait! Most chauvinists are bad in bed or is it the other way? The men who are bad in bed decide to become MCPs cause they have nothing else to keep their self esteem up?"
I smile, turn around and bury my face in the wall. Two feet away from him.

10 minutes later...

"Do you have an ashtray?"
I stare at him in the dark. I am sure he could feel it.
"Its a no smoking room."
Okay. Calm down, L. Not like you care about him but where did the manners go?
"Oh! You're allergic?"
"No. The landlord is. He keeps his house smoke free."
"I'm glad I don't live here."
I lay back in digress.
"Like really? Are you fucking kidding me, asshole? Your landlord is fucking five floors down. Will never know and you are no ideal tenant otherwise I wouldn't be here. Right?"
Gosh! He just denied me my after sex smoke! WTF! No one ever does that! Grumpy face gets worst. Anger increases. Check the phone. Four more hours before its decent time for me to get out of this damn place. I NEED MY SMOKE. He does not even cuddle. Not that I am a cuddle-all-night-after-sex girl. I have a penis in my head, for heavens. Yet! Courtesy? Hello?

Back to the wall.
Final calculation of his points.

1) Picked up - +10.
2) Was gossiping with a friend on phone - -100.
3) Talks rudely with cops cause he thinks his job will get him through all the shit - -200.
4) Defends his fight saying 'Cops are assholes. They should know where they belong.' - 'Err? Wha? What did you just say?' -500.
5) Made the first move - +50.
6) Was too quick in the making out business (He took off my shirt in five minutes of kissing!) - -10.
7) Smelt great - +300.
8) Was particular about his cleanliness and the room's - +100.
9) When I say 'Go slow' I mean it. Instead being the 'Typical Indian Male' he thrust it in. - -10000.
10) Cock size - Normal - You don't gain any. You don't lose any.
11) Ate up my fucking right breast. Overdid it. - -50.
12) He made this weird grunt like sound sometimes - What are you? An Ass in disguise? Your cock does not suggest that. -100.
13) Could not figure out the damn hole - Made me feel as if he was a Virgin. Clit is not a hole, Mr.! And ofcourse he was over confident about how he knows where he is going is right! I had to actually say this to him, "TC! My hole! I'd know better!" - -100000.
14) DID NOT know the art of Seduction - -1000.
15) Hesitant about going down. Just used fingers. Did not even know how to do that. - What the fuck do you have a mouth for? Not like you are a great kisser! Oh! Wait! Why should he go down? Against the MCP guideline, man! -10000000.
16) Refused, rather offended by the offer of changing positions - Its a man's job to be on top of a woman. A woman should know her place. Beneath the man! Isn't it, Mr. MCP? - -100000.
17) Could not get the hole behind right too. - I helped but gave up after a point. Your ego will not accept you ain't getting this right, so no point. By now, I was like, Get done with this damn thing! -10000000.
18) Eight months of no sex - -100 Yes. Now I am just pissed so just about anything will make him lose points.
19) Oh Shit! How could I forget this one! Random bad Music in the Car - -100000000000.
20) Plays Basketball - +100. This is a generously added point just cause he lost too many. (See, I am nice.) True Point - Came before me in the first round - -10000 How Typical of Men!


Believe me, I could come up with more negative points, but then I am being lenient. Also, these are leniently given points. I have rather been generous!

That was my first One Night Stand with a complete stranger I met about two weeks back at a Pub and exchanged numbers in a drunken state. Finally met last night for a not so great night. There was NOTHING exciting about it. I hate G for this. I shall blame him for the rest of my life for spoiling me in bed. And RH for all the Romantic guy loving, caressing, playing with the hair and all that jazz after sex, even though it was just a One Night thing. He made me feel like such a girl. Special and Loved. G, you are an asshole for setting the damn sexual experience bar way too high. I am sorry, I am spoiled. A brat and bloody good in bed. And I know that!

G = Catch!
RH = Small cock but made up with all that loving, sweet kisses and tender caresses.
TC = Thumbs down!

Can not wait and have that long conversation with K and laugh my ass out with her over wine. Much needed.

Conclusion, To be great in bed, you have to be a good person too. Being a chauvinist or proud of your position will only turn women off. Keep that in mind, men! ;)

Love 'n' Peace.


P.S. - TC just makes me believe I have a cock in my head even more. Tell me I am wrong, my girls! ;)


Anonymous said...

Sex is overrated. I'd rather marry my hand.

Scribbling Gal said...

I so so missed u and ur posts gal :)

Hope u good ...

Why do we all have males who spoint us :P

I had one and he raised the bar tooooo high.....the fling i had after him was BAD even more than ur TC ( MCP u see :P) and then i have had a R too but with a bigger one ;-)

Anyways MCP are bad in bed ...i have seen that ;-)

Hope life is fine with u girl :) We have to catch up :)

Love u loads
Mwaahz :-*

Ve said...

fucking brilliant!! First time on ur blog and I'm definitely coming back for more! Wouldn't classify myself as an MCP (hope the women around dont either), but yeah... I too have suffered from the "know-it-all" syndrome.. so invaluable lessons learned here today!! :)

sulagna ™ said...

babe this was fucking awesome..i was laughing all through the way, and damnit 8 months of dry patch..dear TC i hope you learnt a little from our babe here...i request thee, do not fool anymore chics with your basketball game n good perfume...we all love men with real balls :)

Jack said...

L S L,

Your conclusion summed it up perfectly.

Take care

Anonymous said...

Now I know why some losers want Virgin wife

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

What if a guy (me) tells you, you ain't bad girl :)

Pavitra .... said...

Amazing post gurl! I missed you and your posts soo much!
MCPs are always bad in bed... ;)
And you're right...their ego is all thats left...

And what a conclusion! Brilliant!!

Cheers!! :))

Anonymous said...

Oh really, and who you are Miss Slutty Attitude....Let me just quickly jot down some points.

1. You know why he did not go down on you....he was scared of you sleeping with God knows how many men. Ever heard of STD/HIV through vaginal secretions. Who the hell wants to put his mouth in such a cunt. And yes, you have not mentioned, did you go down on him. Or wait, you are those typical-Indian-women who says i don't like sucking dicks. Fucking attitude!

2. Do not worry, he must have given/taken away similar points. That's typical MCP, but what to do, when women don't want to change the way they look at us and throw tantrums, why we should bother.

3. Why he should be bothered to take all the pains to do everything when you don't want to cooperate for anything....Sex is give and take, right? So why this fucking attitude.

I don't care you publish this comment or not, i don't care what you think about sex or men.....but hey, you ALWAYS get what you give to others.....Karma is a bitch, isn't it :)

Sanchit said...

Why isn't there a 'LIKE' button..!! I so want to like above comment ;)

Anonymous said...

OMG I can so imagine your frustration. Chutiya banda. I wanna write more but not in public hehe

rainboy said...

nicely written ...

I second The Lover.

take care and have a nice day

Pesto Sauce said...

I keep reading this again and again...fucking brilliant

Actually men get so engrossed in boobs and insertion that they forget what making love is all about

Over the top said...

Haha ..... Nice read cos its always fun to find out what women have to think about men.Also I think somebody (read anonymous) who commented on your blog is TC !!!!!! God bless, keep writing ! And I wish that you find a godly " G+ RH" combination next time. If not call me !!!!! HAHAHA......

Anonymous said...

haha, funny!

I love to eat but I won't go down on a one night stand. Cleanliness.

I don't understand how come some men don't like women on top? I love women on top, and if she knows how to move nothing like that. Though, it is different if the women is a bit over-weight.

Oh boy it's been 3 months for me and counting. Nothing seems be around the corner as well. am doomed.

Soumya said...

I absolutely loved this post. Bloody brilliant it is!

Keep up the fabulous work,

Shades of Grey said...

Everytime I need a laugh I come back and read your score card here !

xoxo Thanks :D

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