Stop Fucking with My Head!

Can not get myself to write this post for reasons I may know or may not. I guess I do. Yet I will.

As I listen to 'Hey ya' from Karthik Calling Karthik for the nth time today, I am writing something which I seem to be making a big deal of in my head for the past few days, maybe even weeks. Right or Wrong? Needed or Not? Over Reacting or Important? Just can not figure this out.

Why is it that when relationships are not perfect yet we choose to stay in them. Is it because we are hoping against hopes or because we just want to be in that relationship? What if this case is slightly different. Everything is perfect but you may not want that relationship? Maybe it is not about the partner but you.

Everything IS perfect between me and G. The relationship. The understanding. The conversations. The love. The commitment. The loyalty. The friendship. The trust. The sex. Just everything so perfect. I have not fallen out of Love with him either yet....

We have spoken, rather I have spoken of going on a break several times and tried too. The break would end before it commences. I love to have him in my life. But I do not want a relationship in my life right now, maybe. It is a big thing that I am saying right now. I have no idea what are going to be the repercussions of this. I may get all depressed after actualising my decision or may get really happy. Can not figure that out. When in deep thought, I do think I really want to be single but as time passes in that thought I feel I am happy in the relationship, nothing is wrong then why get out of it? What I want and What I have is just so messed up. I want no relationship but I have a relationship which is just so smooth, there is by God's grace just NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING wrong with it. What do I do in such a situation?

Maybe I know what I want but I stop myself thinking that it would sound just so stupid and I would end up hurting somebody I really Love. And that is something I do not want to do. I Love him still. Like hell and Like loads. Just because it is great, does that mean I should continue when I do not want to? I feel like having no relationship. Just be single.

It may not be this relationship but I feel tied down inside. And that is the reason why I am letting go of everything in my life, including this relationship. I have a feeling or maybe it is some psychological shit that I will feel freer when out of this relationship. I hate to feel this way, specially because to a great extent this relationship has helped me reach where I am. It has given me the confidence, support and encouragement that I needed desperately.

I guess I am clear, I hate to let him go. I will feel a great void in my life but I need to do this to myself. This is superly selfish but I am sorry G, I know you understand when I say I need to do this for myself. If we do not remain friends, it will be difficult for me to survive because I can not live without you in my life. It is just the whole 'relationship' thing that I do not want. You have been a great Boyfriend. Someone who would be great to introduce to your folks and then spend an entire lifetime cracking stupid jokes, actually good ones. Watch great shows and movies together. See more places, like we have done in the past. Have great sex all the time. Understand each other's professional and personal space just so frigging well. Get used to each other. But I just feel the need to turn onto a new leaf in life. You have always always been there to take care of me. Hear my smallest and stupidest of things. I am feeling stupid to have written all of this. But writing this was important. I would never be able to come to a conclusion if I did not write this. Having said this, I realize, NO. Writing this was not a good idea after all, I feel confused all over again.

:|

When will I DECIDE?

When I try clearing the confusion, I feel I should give up the relationship and start a beautiful life with myself, which I need to. And just when I am finalizing my decision I feel stupid about it and want to stay in the relationship, which makes me think about the relationship all over again, followed by the confusion and tadah! Here I am trapped in this vicious circle.

Argh.

I need to talk to G about this. Should I?

Kisses.

Gifted

"Can you all please shut up?", she screamed.
But we continued laughing.
In the midst of hysterical laughter on a lazy afternoon, another one interrupted.
"Don't you guys get it? She is with SH right now in the other room."
Apparently she was the only one who heard the entire screaming and understood what the screaming was for.
And the ignorant added, "So, what if she is with him in the other room?"
"His mother expired."
"Oh! I did not know that."
The funny one found this amusing,"Its okay man. If she is consoling him in the other room what has that got to do with what is happening in this room? And why are you guys reacting like this?"
"Because my parents are dead and I DO tend to get hyper on such things."

The room was filled with silence. The gloominess from the next room had travelled to this one.

An hour later, I see my mother's missed call.
"Listen! I have to choose 'Savings Bank' at the ATM na? And then?"
Despite having told her a billion times and she herself having it done some three-four times, her doubts surrounding technology will never die.
"Yes mom. And then your PIN and then the amount. Okay?"
"Okay. I am going to the ATM, if I have any problem out there. I will call you."
"Yes mom."
"And oh, please! Tomorrow is Solar Eclipse. Be careful. Do not touch any metals. Do not eat between 11:30 am till 3:30 pm. You can have fruits but no cooked food. Also do not eat...."
I was just too happy hearing her and feeling good about having a mother who maybe physically away, still is extremely concerned about even the smallest of things, to know what she continued warning for the next five minutes. Of course the smile on my face was also because of the funny situation where I am teaching her simple technology and she is talking me into myths.

Whenever I sit down to thank God. I have always and will continue to thank him the most for the people in my life. My parents, my friends, G and the people I am surrounded with for several reasons. But today was only more special. I feared losing them. My mom always told me to think of 'Death' everyday because according to her it makes the biggest loss a human being can face, just easier. Since then, I have tried facing and accepting death everyday. But I can not accept the hollowness that will come after that. I depend on her for so much more than emotional and worldly needs.

The relationship between a child and a parent is truly God's greatest gift. He may never ever never ever never ever make any child let go off the most beautiful thing that He himself ever created.

I have hardly stayed with my father all through my life and I always complained to God about it but it is only today that I can not stop thanking Him for he has at least given me a father who cares and is always there for me. He, who can show his love, even if it means virtually.

I am gifted. Gifted with the best gift, Mom and Papa. Today, I thank God for my biggest gift, strength, something that really is 'FOREVER N EVER N EVER'.

Who says Love dies?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.