Out of Reach!

Lately I've been hard to reach

I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel dissin' again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Marshall you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/eminem-lyrics/beautiful-lyrics.html]
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

- Eminem - Beautiful

I just had to write a post today, even if it meant without will. Without will? Yes. I am no more in that 'love' zone. I am back in the 'I do not believe in love' zone of mine.

I was out on a date day before with the guy who had been asking me out for the last six months now. Finally I agreed and went. There was nothing natural about it. I had to force myself to strike a conversation on phone, sms, chat and not so much in person, thankfully, but I did not leave with a feeling. I could feel allot in common but it was just a meeting and back.

I see people talking of love, losing, breaking hearts, being heart broken, being love struck, but by the end of the day it all seems so dramatic, just so made up. Nothing seems real. Everything so forced. So many of us want partners just because it is hard to see others holding someone lovingly and you have no one to. Is this real love? No. It has to be natural. I am still very conservative about such things. If it does not make you feel like leaving the world behind, it is not worth it. Which is why I love Dips, honestly, the only woman I think who hangs on to true love and lives by it. She is my girl from old love lorn literature. Hugs!

Love, today for me has become an over rated emotion. Too much chase, for what? For mostly feeling confused, finding nothing in it, rather letting it be because we think love will find its own route. I guess I am not even making sense, because I have just lost all my interest in that feeling called love, have no opinions about it too. Its just one of those things flashing on News Channels tickers 24*7, people love to discuss but have nothing discreet to say or do about it. Guess, I am just a wrong person for love, now.

I have no option but to believe and I do without compulsion, 'I am not meant for relationships'. Life is so much more, but then, I see no point in anything. I almost feel dead. There just seem to be no emotions in me. No hurt. No love. No insecurity. No surety. Its all just a phase, but love has been lost. It may try to reach me, but I see it coming and then turn my back to it. I don't even know what love really is. Its just weird. Lets just say, I will never admit to it. Since I was a kid, I have never admitted crushes and attractions even to the closest of my friends. Because I thought this was being made up by me. I never let myself lose enough to allow it to be natural. I probably have not grown up or the pattern was so repeated that it has become me, now.

Forget about admitting, I do not feel it in me anymore. Not like, there maybe something on my mind which maybe taking up more space, but it just is not there. There is nothing in it. Love is lost. True love, for me does not exist. Relationships are selfish.
We want to be loved - Selfish.
We want a shoulder to cry on - Selfish.
We want to come home to a loving person - Selfish.
We want to be understood - Selfish.
We want to .... Blah!
And when we are too willing to give, we become Selfless and frustrated in the relationship.

WTF is this? I have forgotten all my lessons. I have no clue about this. And at this point of time in my life, I don't want to. Its like that boring subject, you want to bunk all classes of.

I do not want to fall in a love trap. I do not want to love. I do not want 'love' coming my way, even more. It makes me want to try and I hate putting so much effort in something that should be as natural as the growth of wild flowers is. Having said this, I am not losing all my hope. One day, it will come to me, and that day I will not know what I have but we will be 'in love' swinging on the seesaw of emotions, of selfishness and selflessness. We will never get bored. We will fly. We will come down. And the ride will be a beautiful one, one of ups and downs, one of freedom, content and LOVE.

Dear Love, we will meet someday, hopefully. :)

Happy Valentines Day!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.