All Night Long

"What movie do you want to watch?"
"Some scary movie."
"K! I thought we grew up. Lights off. Alone at home. Scary movie. Is it still exciting?"
"Hell yes!"
Stare at her for 5 seconds and then spring up.
"Hell yeah, baby!"
Going through the three shelf DVD piles.
"Damn L! Your collection has not changed. We have been going through these movies forever. Khartoum. Lawrence of Arabia. Cleopatra. Argh. Scary!!"
"I want watch something like Chucky or Elm Street."
"Well, you do not have it."
"Fuck! I do not have scary movies, at all, ya."
"Lets watch Scream."
"Its not scary and you must have seen it."
"No."
"Everyone has seen Scream, K!"
"I know I am special. The usual never applies to me."
Her petite body lost in my T shirt does the 'usual' super star pose.

We settle on the floor, like old days.
Lots of pillows. Long. Soft. Hard. Heart shaped. All possible shapes and sizes.
A pack of Wills Navy Cut.
A cheap transparent green lighter.
A Mixer jug full to the brim with Costa Coffee-ish Cold Coffee.
A big bowl of Butter Pepper Popcorn, with extra butter.
Television Remote.
DVD Remote.
A.C. Remote.
And a sheet to cover us.

"Shit! It has Drew Barrymore."
"Yeah."
"Stupid woman! Not there! Shit... No... no..."
"K! If they do as we ask them too. There would be no scary movies."
And we spend the next 1.5 hours warning every single person running frantically trying to escape the killer. Guessing. Laughing. Fighting over the temperature of the A.C. Having Pop Corn and gulping the Coffee, which was worst than we thought it would be.

"He was the killer."
"I thought so too."
"L! You have seen the movie."
"Yeah! But you know I have terrible movie. I read the same book so many times not realizing I have read it earlier."
"Thank God for my good memory."
"Yeah right! It took you a decade to remember my right birthday."
"Oh! L..."
"Wow! Now what?"
"Behenchod The power had to go dating right now."
"Want some Chai?"
"Oh yes! That sounds great."

Sitting on the green granite with her legs folded, "L! You must have learnt how to cook now, na?"
"I knew how to make tea earlier as well, K."
"Yeah... Like you could make Tea, Maggie and that also you would not if I or Su were there."
"And jugs and jugs of Tang."
"Oh shit! Yeah!"
"You know, now those big tins of Tang are kept unused for months. It was so different some years back."
Picking our cups, we walk back towards the room.
"And only the two of us have remained with each other."
"Yeah."
"You know na, how I am, L? I would get lost and never stay in touch."
"Yes, but we have stuck around and will always do so."
"Cheers!"
"Cheers!"
Comfortable silences filling the room as we sip Tulsi tea.

"Okay! Never have I ever.... Kissed a girl."
"Never!"
"You are a Loser, L!"
"Yeah right, Lucky Bitch!"
"Your turn."
"Never have I ever worn bright colorful panties under light colored clothes to show them off."
She sipped her tea.
"We do not answer. We just sip our tea if we have."
"Damn! That way my tea will never get over."
"Ok. Never have I ever.... Wanted to have sex in public."
"Wanted? Yes."
She sipped.
"What the Fuck? Where?"
"Outside my ex's school after we went visiting it... And I have made out with this guy in my brother's girlfriend's balcony. And made out here.... there..."
The list was pretty long.
"Oh! Made out! Yeah, G and I made outside your ex's house. In his lift."
"Whoa! WTF!"
"Well, you guys were taking too long to come back home."
"L!"
"Yeah K!"
We laugh for the next five minutes rolling on the floor.
"OK. OK. Never have I ever..."
"Its my turn, K."
She offered me a cigarette.
"You know. I left, K."
"When did you start regularly?"
"Did. For some time. Now off it, completely."
"One for friendship? We have not fagged together in ages."
And she starts lighting for me after I shrugged in agreement.
"No! This time I will light for the two of us. You have always done it in the past."
"Okay."
As the first puff covers our face with smoke, I continue the game, "Never have I ever wanted to do another man in the presence of my boyfriend."
She sipped again.
"I told you my tea will never get over!"
"Never have I ever.... ever... uuummm.... ever.... done a stranger."
She sipped AGAIN!
"WTF!"
"I was stoned so we made out. And once I slept with this girl's boyfriend, who were from my college. She hates me!"
"D'uh K!"
"Fuck! I am sure something like this will happen to me as well. What goes around comes around!"
"Why? Why will this come back to you?"
"I have hurt her."
"Yeah right! Like her boyfriend hurting her was not enough."
"LOL."
"OKAY! Never have I ever...looked in a man's eyes while fantasizing about him."
And this time we both sipped. Fuck! The tea was cold now!
"Never have I ever tried anal."
We sipped.
"Have not we all?", I asked.
"What is with men and anal sex?"
"Yeah! Like the vagina is not enough."
"Did you like it?"
"To be very honest. I did not know where it was!"
"You too? Hah!"
Hi Five! And the thunderous clap brought back the Power.

"Oh! Good."
And we finished the trilogy by 6:30 a.m., guessing, laughing, screaming.

"Now, I am going to my Gym."
"Are you crazy? You will sleep on the Treadmill."
"I have not gone in like a week."
"No. Do not. Your body has not gotten rest."
"But I am fresh."
K walked towards the mirror.
"Come lets do some make up."
"Why are you like my sister?"
"Oh my God! Your sister also likes to do all of this?"
"Yeah! She too makes plans like you do about mid night make up sessions."
"Oh yeah L, remember, we decided we will do nice make up this time. Not like our first night stay when I did nice pink make up for you and you went and applied something green on your eyes."
"I was wearing green!", I cry defensively.
"If you are wearing orange baby, you do not apply orange all over your face and become all Orange."
"Oh! Lets go for a walk."
"Not when I only have my Peep Toes."
"Okay. Anyway, its been long since I slept in the morning."
And I crawl inside the bed sheet.
"No L! Make up!"
"At 7 in the morning? Are you okay?"
"Come on L! You know I have never let you sleep when we are together."
"Oh yes! Ain't no sunshine when he's gone..."
"Fuck! I kept you awake just because I wanted you to hear me sing this continuously for my crush then."
"And then you slept singing while I was still up!"
"Oh L!"
And she jumped onto the bed.
"We are travelling together this weekend. Its going to be fun."
"We have travelled earlier as well."
"Yeah! We will go shopping in the evening."
"Superb."
"Gosh! I want to have sex with G."
"You are so Monika, L."
"No! I am not even close to being a cleanliness freak."
"You are the one with a stable relationship. And I keep flipping like, Jennifer Aniston."
"No. I am Joey."
"I am always flipping."
"I want G."
"Fuck!"

I guess we had started Sleep Talking. We slept in no time.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

P.S. - It is only when I am terrible or ecstatic that I vanish. This time it was both. Please forgive me for not visiting your Blogs, will do so slowly and catch up. :)

Also, while I was absconding, my generous beautiful Blogger friend, The Pink Orchid, who on completing 100 posts did a complete Award Ceremony to honor her readers, bestowed upon me The Blogger Dudette Award and the This Blog is Hot Certification. Thanks allot Pink.

A Big Thank you to my dear Don't Be a Slut Blogger Friend, who handed over The Kreativ Blogger Award. It feels great when Awards come your way from your favorite Bloggers. Thank you Girls! You two made my day! Big Hug and Kisses.

Time to Face it!

"I wonder how would a Hindi man ask you 'What are you wearing?'"
"What do you mean by a Hindi man?"
"A man who speaks Hindi."
"Simple G! 'Tum kya pehney ho?'"
"That sounds hot. Now answer it."
"Nothing."
"How come?"
"Just got out of a shower."
"What is you weight?"
"Hello?"
"What is your weight, now?"
"Hello? I can not hear you G!"
"Alright. If you can not hear me then we will talk later."
"No. No. I can hear you, now."
"What is your weight?"
"I can not hear you again."
"You will lose your weight by my next birthday?"
"I guess."
"This birthday I gave you a good 11 months to lose but you did not."
"9!"
"10!"
"No 9!"
"10 1/2"
"No! 9!"
"L, it is 10 1/2, if not 11."
"Alright. Fine. I will lose."
"I can not trust you, ya."
"O.K."
"Please be trustworthy, no!

You there?"
"Yes."
"Why are you sounding down and out while I am being such a choot?"
"No. I am fine."
"Come here. Sit on my lap."
"No. You will die."
"Yes. But let us take a chance."
"No. No."
"Alright. I'll get on top of you?"
"Yeah. I won't die. You do not weigh too much."
"Why are you getting all serious?"
"I am absolutely fine, G. I am not serious."
"Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree
Sorry.
Saaree................................................................Sorry."
"You do not have to apologize, G. I am good."
"Now say Saaree Sorry, 20 times."
"Why?"
"Just say it. It is allot of fun."
"No. It is not."
"Come on. I listen to allot of your silly stories. Now it is my turn."
"O.K.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Sorry."
"Caught you. You said 'Sorry Sorry'."
"No. I did not."
"Yes you did. I won. Now give me 100 bucks."
"Yeah right."
"Now see, if I say this four times straight without a mistake, you will have to give me 400 bucks."
"Hmmm."
"Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Now give me 400 bucks."
"Yeah right!"

We may have continued to do our silly stuff but that one word lingered. I was down and out. I was hurt. Not because of what he said but because he too said it.

I have all my life had a problem trusting people. Why? I just find it difficult. Today, I realized it was because I was not too sure of my own self. I am afraid of forming too many relationships. I feel they have the ability to hurt and ruin you. I feel 'What if I betray or are betrayed unconsciously?' I have always taken my own sweet time in forming the whatever few relationships I have. By that, I mean, the ones I believe in. The ones I know I will carry with me for life, happily, willingly and desperately. By that, I mean Mom, Dad, Sister, K, Aj and G. OF which three have directly shown difficulty in trusting me and three, indirectly.

Trust, for me, like most or rather all, has been a huge issue. By God's grace, I am blessed with people in my life who have treasured my trust in them. Unfortunately, I have not. In small ways or big. Consciously or Unconsciously. One time or more. Their trust in me has come into question. My father has hardly spent any time with me yet is sure he can not trust me, for reasons I am yet to figure out. My sister would love to trust me blindly but also knows I am highly unpredictable. My mother, I feel, sometimes fights with herself to trust me. Probably the only reason why I have survived so far is because of her belief in me, whether it is a self fought and won battle for her or a natural mother-child relation. She has been my pillar yet I can not forgive myself for breaking her trust when I have lied to her for all things, small or big. I have broken K's trust in me, unknowingly but she forgave. Aj's trust, knowingly, assuming it won't make a difference to him. And he pretended as if it did not.

Today G just brought back all that I had ignored all my life. He simply assured me of a flaw I had been hiding under layers of Self assumptions and Ignorance. I have had this issue trouble me but I have pushed it in my closet like a piece of unwanted cloth. G may have joked about being non trustworthy, but it was true. No matter how small or big the matter in question maybe, trustworthiness is highly sensitive. It is neither easy to earn nor maintain.

My heart aches. It is not easy to gulp a piece of truth that has scared you all your life. I feared having trusting issues, not realizing I was trapped in many of those, already. It is like a thick leather whip hitting your naked ass in a crowded arena. That is how bad it hurts. That is how hard the truth is.

Lets face it, 'I HAVE BEEN UNTRUSTWORTHY'! I have been told that too many times, directly and indirectly. Its time, I accept it. It may take all my strength to take it in, but it better be done now. The amendments should be made now. (But I thank God, for giving me such trustworthy people in my life, despite my own known or unknown distrusting times.)

(I am sorry. For the first time, I am wallowing in self pity and do not feel worthy of spreading Love, Peace, Hugs or Kisses.)

Thanks!

Learn those Moves

I am up earlier than usual. Free time is always used for Blogging and I start up my system only to feel moist between my legs. His face on my desktop turned me on instantly with past flashes of our sweating sex. If only we were together I would have been on top of him riding for the perfect start of the day. But then, 'If' is merely a convenient word to make you feel the way you want to.

I move on to do what I had in mind. Read Blogs and maybe hunt some new ones too. The easiest way to do so is from the Comments Box. So, after I am done commenting on one of my Followed Blogs I notice a rather interesting comment. I hate advertisers invading Comment pages. So, now you know why the Comment moderation on my Blog. Mr. Commentator was a Writer of some 'Guide for the Good girls' kind of a 'Self Help' Book. Out of curiosity and expectation I visit his page imagining a page loaded with advertisements on both sides of his Blog posts. Blog posts which would be about Women, Men, his Books, Readers. Heated comments. Sweet comments. Thankful comments. Sorry comments. Only to discover a simple, no advertisement, no Blog page. All his page advertised was his own book and offered a CRASH COURSE for Dirty Divas. LMAO. I am extremely sorry but sounds like some extremely cheap low budget Porn Flick. And if it is an Indian one, then it would be 'Daartee Deevaah!' or maybe 'Devi gone Dirty'. Alright. Sleeplessness taking its toll. The page advertised how a woman does not know how to talk dirty. Get your free guide NOW! All that was needed to get the guide to 101 ways of becoming a bad girl from good, was your e-mail. Subscribe and bombard your Inbox with mails helping you become the new seductress and give your man that instant hard on.

I almost fell for it. Thankfully, I snapped back to senses within seconds. Why the fuck should I learn from you Mr. Unsatisfied how to talk to my man? Why should any woman pick up your book? Probably your woman was 'good' and did not know how to verbally stimulate you does not mean other women do not know it either.

I have forever been against Self Help books. Success. Money. Love. Sex. Relationships. Friendship. How to Train your Servant. 1000 Ways to steal your Friend's Husband away. Your guide to get rid off those Stalkers. There seems to be a Best seller User Manual available for everything. Do we need to be taught emotions now? Such books claim to teach and help you do something you already know. They just make you believe you do not know and that you are one incapable lazy ass! I have never understood HOW can you teach something like Dirty Talking to anyone? If you really want to get dirty verbally, our sexually active hormones help us. Always. They make you say the 'right' things, naturally. You will not have to flip the pages of a book to check what should you say next.

Sometimes, great dirty talking is an art. You have it or you do not. It can not be taught. And most importantly, the want to talk dirty has to come naturally, you can not just open the book and flaunt your newly learnt talent. It takes away all the fun from it. You have to be in a naughty mood. Not necessarily, sexual.

Apart from all the sex talk, dirty talking is also poop talk. His guide for the 'good' girls should probably teach women to talk comfortably about poop too. What is so 'Eeeoow' about Shit? Why can a woman not sit and enjoy a stupid detailed conversation about some body's 'lose' health? But walk out calling it gross. Probably he would not talk about Poop Talk in his book because he thinks women generally do not like talking about it. Or maybe they do not want to learn something they already know but chose not to indulge in. Just like sex talk.

I remember how S let out her bedroom secret and suggested P to talk dirty in bed. P was a clueless virgin who looked blank, "How do you do that?" We did not have an answer to her question. Simply because you will talk that way
a) If you want to.
b) If you are in the 'mood'. (Naughty. Sexual. Tease. They all qualify for 'in the mood'.)

No one can teach you to be sexy. YOU ARE SEXY. When you are with the man or woman you want to use all your moves on. You do. A fucking Book can not tell you when should you get on top of a man, bite his ear and say 'Make me crazy. Make me moan.' All, that book does is stare at you in the face and remind you of what an Incapable Lazy Ass you are. Self Help books mock you. Your potential. Your abilities. It goes not just for sex, but success too. Move that ass and you will have whatever you want. Wasting time to read HOW to be successful will only make you lose time.

Phew. Self Help Books make me crazy! Make me moan! out of rage.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

A Long Night

"Hello."
"Yeah."
"Sorry!"
"For what?"
"For not talking to you today.
For not talking to you yesterday.
For not talking to you the day before yesterday.
For not talking to you for the past 10 days.
For not talking to you for the past so many years."
I had to smile. It was cute. Talk about women getting easily flattered!
The cold voice continued, "It is okay."
"No! Say more. I want you to take out all your anger. Scream. Shout. Punch. Slap me."
"No. It is OK." without a change in the tone.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing?"
"Are you going to sleep?"
"Yes. Maybe. Do not know."
"I am going out for dinner with my friend. I will call you back?"
"No. Let it be. We will talk tomorrow."
"Going to sleep? If not, then I will call you back."
"No."
"Fine. Then I will call you back. Bye Babe."
I hang up.
If he calls women 'manipulative', well, I can not defend myself, at least.

40 minutes later. Coldness does wonders. Gives you all the attention you have not got in a long time. ;)
"HI BABE!"
"Hi."
"Still mad?"
"Yes."
"Then take it out, no!"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I do not want to."
"Okay. Tell me, What is the worst question that I can ask you at this moment?"
"I do not know."
"Come on! Tell me."
"Asking me to forget it and let go off it?"
"Not a statement. A Question."
"Is my work done?"
"No. Something I ask more often. A question that is my favorite."
"What are you wearing?"
Strange, how he is deciding which of his questions is going to make me more mad at him. Huh. Of course him ignoring my anger and asking about my 'job' would make me angrier than him wanting to know what I am wearing! That actually makes me go pink from red than redder. (I guess he knew that! Huh. And he says 'Women are manipulative!')
"Yes! So, now that you have asked that yourself, answer it too."
"I have put the question. You answer it."
"What are you wearing?"
"I am not answering it. I am still angry."
"Right now, you almost forgot that you are angry."
"No. I did not! In fact, I do not even think we would be having this conversation if I did not let you know I am angry through my articulation. You would have instead, very conveniently called and said, 'L, I am so tired today. We will talk tomorrow.'"
"You know what? I actually came out to give company to my friends for dinner where I did not even eat because I had already had my dinner, just so that I could stay out and talk to you peacefully..... L, Lets talk tomorrow."
Okay! I, once again have said more than I should have.
After a good two minute silence.
"Sorry."
"Say it again."
"Sorry."
"Say it 15 more times. I apologized 17 times to you."
"Get Lost! I am not saying it one more time. My mistake is not bigger than yours."
"You have hurt me, Bitch. Apologize!"
"NOWAY!"
"Alright. 10 more times. I am giving you a discount."
"I have said 'Sorry' twice. Want it? Take it else lose those two also."
"Alright. Five more and answer 'What are you wearing?'"
"Too much. Not answering."
"Final on 3 and answer."
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"
"What are you wearing?"
"Do you really expect me to be all dressed up at 1:00 a.m.? I am in my Night clothes."
"Nice. You should have been here."
"For what? To have you watch your sports every weekend and spend no time with me?"
"Come on L! If you are with any other normal guy, you will face the same problem. So no point dumping me for this reason. Also, with no other guy can you have a conversation like you do with me."
"Huh."
"You know this American student got raped?"
"Yes by her own friends."
Changing the topic when your girlfriend is not saying more than a word is the best move.
"Men are such bastards. Isn't it?"
"It is not just that. But sadly, it is the Indian male mentality which thinks it is easier to get a lay from a Foreigner. And when you do not get it, in a drunken state, you rape her. It is not the first case."
"All the bad that happens in this world is because of men."
Even better if you blame yourself or the entire male species for something. Invisible Brownie points!
"Exactly. You are so right, G."
"Men should be eradicated!"
"Completely! A Woman gets upset because of a Man. A Woman abuses another Woman out of jealousy and insecurity because of a Man. A Woman abuses the Man because of how he is. A Woman feels sad and disrespected because of a Man. Men are such a curse."
"There should be a button and all men should vanish."
"Totally. The world will become so clean, tidy, civilized and full of love."
"Men are clean."
"Please! They keep their plates where they eat. They also do not make the efforts of throwing the left over apple after eating it. They..."
"Okay!"
"I am just waiting for the day when we will not need men to produce babies."
"That is the only positive thing that men do. Produce babies."
"And there too they are so careless that God can not trust them with the responsibility of bearing a child."
"There should be a button in women, which when pressed would produce babies."
The conversation slowly sinking in! FUCK! A World full of only women?
"G, it will be a world full of dildos!"
"Well, you can keep some of them? Like your Boyfriends and Fathers?"
"Fathers, of course. It is so nice to have a father.... No Wait! Keeping your father would mean getting into the same cycle. You will have to get a father for your babies too. Damn. No. No men at all."
After the conversation entirely sank it. I took the right side. The No Men Land side.
"Gone. All men are already gone, L. I think I am the only one left because I am still having this conversation with you."
"Remember, when you go you will have no sports."
"Why not? I will be like a Spirit who can get and do whatever he wants to."
He was now seeing the positive side of it. Sports comes before sex!
"No G. You all will be completely non existent. Like, not there. Not even as spirits."
"Of course we will be."
"G, even if you are, there will be no Sports."
"Why?"
"Because there will be no men."
Phew. This conversation felt good. I won.

"You know I Love you, right?"
"I Love you too."
"You are the best man in this world. And I am not leaving you."
"Yeah. Who else will tell you to eradicate men?"
"How is the night there?"
"Breezy. Nice. Calm."
"Hhhmmmm."
It was the perfect night for me. I just wanted to sleep in his arms having this conversation.
"Asleep?"
"No."
"I have to wake up early tomorrow."
"You must go to sleep."
"No. It is okay."
It was peaceful. It was our comfortable silence, in which I wanted to sleep.
"What is it tomorrow?"
"A Family thing and then the rest of the day will be occupied with allot of office work too."
"You can catch up on your sleep in the afternoon as well, right?"
"No. The schedule is slightly tight."
"Oh! Go. Go. Go to sleep."
"Okay. Bye Babe."
"Oh! You know what?"
Yes, women seem to find the most interesting and exciting things to share at the end of a conversation. Now, you know how two women can talk at length despite 1000 Byes.
"What?"
"I saw this dream where I am sleeping. The room filled with the sound of Elton John and you reading a book to me over my head."
"Was it a Porn Book?"
"No! It was a Fairy Tale, I guess."
"If I am reading a book to you. It would be a Porn Book and my hand would be under your skirt. I would feel your breasts while reading. And put you to sleep after we are tired doing each other."
"No!", by now I was smiling in my half sleep. No! His descriptions were not boring. I was damn sleepy. It was almost 3 a.m., now.
"That is what we would do, L."
"No! My dream had a Cinderella, I think."
"Okay. Let us go to sleep now."
Men know when to end a conversation. Prolonging this would mean another one hour of Fairytale v/s Porn with no conclusions and no phone sex too.
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night Babe."
"I Love you."
"I Love you too."
"Big hug!"
"Big kiss."
"Bye."

"Keep the phone!"
"Mhhmm. Give me a hug, first."
"Big hug."
"Hhmmmm", comfortably tucked.
"Bye baby."
"Bye."

And I slept with his voice wrapping my relaxed body and calm senses.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Easier to find Love or Friends?

"What will you have?"
"A Sex on the Beach."
"There is too much sex on your mind, L."
"Hah."

Just about a week back.
"Come on L, tell me what is happening?"
"Nothing whatsoever, Aj. You really can not expect me to make up new things every minute in this long a conversation, right?"
"I am sure you have got something to say. It has been ages since you really told me something interesting."
"Aj! Our school days are long gone when I brought all the School gossip to you."
"Well, now my little friend has a boyfriend so tell me about him if not those stupid couples in school we gossiped about."
"Fuck you! You are comparing my relationship to that of those rat like school couples."
"LOL. No. But... Ah! Just tell me something. I really feel like having a nice long conversation. We have not had one in a long time. Specially since my break up. ;)"
"Hah. You were in that school relationship for so long. What the Fuck were you thinking? I almost thought you'd be role models for kids in school. They would look at the two of you and say, 'See, they were School sweethearts and now they are (un)happily married.' Fuck! You actually tolerated that woman for so many years. And of course, I have to congratulate her on the same too. I am so glad the two of you broke up."
"Ah! Forget it."
We smile. We talk random. Do the usual "We must have something to talk about. Tell-me-you-tell-me."
"Okay listen Aj."
"What?"
"I have to really really tell you something."
"Now we are talking."
"Who is it about?"
"I have been wanting to tell you this since a long time, but just did not know how to break it to you."
"Oh! I don't believe you! Just tell me."
"I am not a virgin."
"Cool. That is nice."
Silence.
"WHAT!? You... you do not have anything else to say? You do not want to call me a Slut? A Whore? or react in any other manner than just a 'Nice'?
"Come on L, Our ciggie days are long gone."

I still remember this clearly. I took the first drag of a Marlboro Light for the first time in my life in school, at a party. While discussing the party on our usual midnight phone conversation, I had told him about my little adventure like a scared guilty kid. What followed was a series of 'I did not expect you to do this! I thought you were a decent girl. I thought you were not one of those chicks, who find it so cool to smoke. I thought this and that and this and that. (IT WAS JUST A DRAG) I spent a night crying, apologizing. Feeling guilty for what I originally was not until I got to hear ALL that from him. It was our first fight. It was cute and silly, just as it should have been. He spent the rest of the night consoling, acting cute, cracking some really bad jokes and making promises to make me feel good with chocolates (which of course I never got).

From that silly fight to getting drunk together, yes, we have come a really long way together. From a Chauvinist to a Gentleman, I have seen him grow only for good. From fat to fatter, he has only see me grow, wider. ;)

It was the perfect Saturday afternoon with him. Every day spent with him is a perfect one. Be it an argument over governments that may culminate in a life threatening pillow fight or a lazy afternoon lying on each other taking alternate sips of Rum discussing the cons of being in a relationship. It has always been perfect. And like the 'ciggie' day, all my days with him are as fresh in the mind as the Lunch today.

While dropping me back home.
"By the way, who was on top of whom?"
"I am not giving you bedroom details, Aj."
"If you were on top of him, then I doubt his existence on this planet."
"Fuck you! You are the world's biggest asshole."
"I am just being honest."
"I am damn good in bed. So of course there are high possibilities of him getting breathless."
"Is he alive? is what I am asking. You just maybe assuming his near death experience to you being good in bed."
"He is very much alive."
"Thank god."
"You know what? I really hate you. You are the meanest friend."
"Because you deserve a Merc and I do not?"
"Yes. So when you buy one, rich boy! Gift it to me."
"Yes, I will."

No matter how old we grow, I think we can never stop fighting like the silly school goers. That is how we have always been. And that is how it will always be.

We reached my place.
"Bye."
"Lose weight, otherwise G wont be alive for too long."
"Asshole!"
"Bye."

Little does he know that not just my memories of us our sweeter, my old fantasies of a surprising unplanned kiss were more tantalizing too.

It is always easier to fall in love, but almost impossible to get out of it. And I do not think I want to either.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

On a Clueless Trip

I can not write when I have nothing to write or a neat thought to express. But, I want to write, what? I am sure I do not know. Deleting three old and two new drafts is proof enough.

Though, I still have a little Thought of the day to share, "A day spent with a good Book is always secretly preferred over watching Casablance with your Lover on a couch, wearing Pajamas."

It came after I carelessly spent an entire night finishing One and a Half Books, along with the pleasures of a rejuvenating head massage. For once, I neither cared nor wanted G to call. It is so much better to be with yourself, specially if you have not had that time in ages. :)

NEWS Piece - Life or Something Like it, my beloved honest Blogger has awarded me the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you so much, Saher. :)

As per the rules of receiving this Award, I am suppose to pass it on, as well as state some honest points about myself. The former is easy but the latter seems damn tough, but I shall try.

1) Yes! I am a young woman. For all those who thought I could be a miraculous man, who can think so much from a Woman's point of view and dedicate a Monthly post to PMS, without fail.

2) I Love and respect my Anonymity. Expect the respect bit from others too. Stop getting overtly curios!

3) I am definitely not as you have imagined me to be like, whatever that maybe.

4) No matter how difficult I may find to talk about myself particularly or objectively, I am pretty much Self Obsessed.

5) I may not believe in the existence of God yet I call him my Friend.

Just 5 points down and I am convinced, Honesty is a virtue and an art. Not everyone knows HOW to be Honest. I for one, do not.

Coming to the Award Ceremony, "And the Award goes to Dipti and Don't Be a Slut, my two most favorite Blogs. I admire and am hooked to your Blogs because of the fearless honesty in them. Continue writing the way you do. May God Bless you with more Virtues and not limit your goodness to Honesty, alone. ;) Love you girls. Kisses."




Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

To be only yours, I Pray

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

hmmmmm, hmmmmm, oooooh.

(Only Hope by Mandy Moore from A Walk to Remember)

When do you start 'demanding' in a relationship? When do you start 'expecting'? I am sure most of us have no answer to that. Just as a relationship is formed by an unknown vibe and force, such things slowly start becoming a part of that relationship. That is why we are humans. Illogical nerds looking for a reason. If we fall in love, it should also be able to answer 'What made me fall in love?' 'When did you fall in love?' 'Why me?' Yes, these are questions asked by women but not like men do not think about it. We know it.

Consider this,

"They are worried that their daughter is turning 27 and they have not found him a suitable match yet."
"Mom, she is just 27. She has a long life ahead."
"You will understand this only when you become a parent."
"Well if you bind your child to options that are limited only up to a particular community in the society. Should not you all be prepared for some delay in that case?"
"One must marry in their community only."
"BUT WHY?"
"Because they SHOULD."
"But the question is WHY."
"Because that is the first preference."
"Why is it the first preference?"
"Because everyone wants their children to marry in the same sect or religion."
"Mom! We are beating around the same bush. Just tell me WHY?"
"Because inter religion marriages do not work out."
"They have not failed because of their religions. Have they?"
"But they have because of their different backgrounds and upbringing."
"What if you find a similar family outside your religion? And what is the guarantee that the same sect family will have a similar family atmosphere?"
"Look, if you want to marry someone outside the religion, GO AHEAD."
Sounds good but that was not the point.
"Let us not take this personally. I really want to know. It is a general perspective world wide. But why is it so? Give me a REASON!", I demanded.
"There is. That is it!"
"You know there is one horrible ideology? We are proud when someone of a different religion changes his religious faith to ours. But another man of our religion turning to another religion will upset us. Why?"
"Because our religion is logical and intelligent."
"Fine agreed. There is good and wrong in different religions, but we are not happy because we think that the person made an intelligent move by converting his faith into ours. We are just happy because we have an additional family member or man in the army. However we may like to look at it."
"It is a stupid thing to leave your religion."
"Does not the same apply to the person who willfully converted to your religion?"
"Easy way out. No one should convert."
"Why not? If they have a mind of their own and want to then why not?"
"Well, every religion teaches you the same thing anyway."
"Then where is the difference?"
Thoughtful silence.
"You know what used to happen in old times? People encouraged marrying in the same community only to make their community strong. That makes sense. So, if you give me a sensible logic for not marrying outside my community, I shall think over it. But unfortunately, most of your generation is brought up like a fanatic. This exists because it does. Not because there is a reason behind it. You have been told something over and over again that you believe it, like a fanatic father teaching his children something without answering his curiosities. That child strongly believes in what his father is saying but knows not why he believes in it."

We have no answers because we have neither questioned nor been answered. The above conversation turned into an argument that emotionally disturbed my mother. She thought I was trying to convince her because G does not belong to the same religion as I do. I was not. I was just the curios kid who was not being answered. Only that I realized I was asking the wrong person. An already unanswered curios kid.

Expectations and Demanding are two things I like to stay away from, but unconsciously fall prey to. Why? Is it interconnected with love? No. Is it because we have been brought up to be that way? Maybe. But most importantly, WHEN are we expecting and not hoping? WHEN are we demanding and not wishing? It may sound so simple and predictable if I answer 'When we put pressure on the other person about our wishes and hopes.' But do we do this knowingly? Sometimes, yes! But most? We are clueless.

I demanded an explanation from my mother expecting an answer. It did not work. I unconsciously demanded G to listen to this entire conversation in the middle of his 'me time' and expected him to hear between the lines and understand. So what if my mother had no answers? So what if G thought his match was more important and the conversation boring? Why should it make me think? Why should it make me feel something is missing in the relationship if we fail to understand sometimes? Why should I victimize my father for not always understanding? Why should I be disappointed if my mother can not fulfill my demands? Why should I feel 'dumped' if G is not interested in something I am saying? When I am there for myself.

Yes! We need people. But do we need them all the time? Why do we demand that kind of attention? Why do we expect that kind of understanding? When I can sit and think about myself. I can talk to myself and understand what I want. If there are questions inside you. There are answers around you. If you can love someone else. You can love yourself. By the end of the day, it is I FOR I.

My mother can not demand a marriage with anyone from me and I can not expect her to understand what I want always, because we first need to understand ourselves. Resolve issues with ourselves. Find answers within. Love ourselves first.

I talk to God. I talk to myself. I sing for myself. I dance to my song. I do so because I am my only hope. I am my best friend. I am my partner in crime. I am my skeleton in the closet. I am my wish. I am my hope. I am my questions. I am my answer. I am the love. I am my strength. I am there ALWAYS, 24*7, literally, for myself.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

I pray to be true to myself. I am my only hope. I do not want to succumb to someone else's demands and lose myself in expectations. I want to be mine. To be only mine, I pray.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I am thankful to God for giving me such people who despite my aggression and silent pressures do not find me 'demanding'. I thank you because I believed in you and you believed in me, and we continue to share that relationship. I have tried not being demanding or expectant with you. Hope I have been with you how I wish to treat myself. I Love you. Thank you for living up to the 'expectations', God (Alright, so I did.). There is no one I can love more than you. Kisses. :)