Love Sick

It's been four years now to my break up with G and I have been single ever since. Of course, I went on some dates and explored more dicks. Also, fell in love and got my heart broken. And after all these years of madness, I had to put a conscious stop to it all. Where was it all taking me? Where did I want to go, anyway? Sometimes, I wanted the attention, sometimes the sex and sometimes I thought to myself, 'Maybe I need to lower my standards to get into a relationship' despite being fully aware of how I would not genuinely love the person even if I did.

In the last one year and a half, I have moved from one country to another and now a new one, rising up in my career yet not completely satisfied. Lets not miss the point where I have regrown my virginity by keeping my legs together for over two years. I will not say that the last few posts which were depressing as fuck and only asked questions no one ever has answers to are too, different from my current state yet I'd say I am a new person. Why same and why different? Same for questions still exist sometimes, different because, I am finally at peace.

As much as I may have dished out your advices on How badly I should move out of the place that was making me the way that it was, turns out you guys were fuckin' right about it mate! BUT foremost, it takes will to want to change things, sometimes you have to force yourself and work hard on it too. Nothing in life ever comes easy. Turning tables in your life definitely never does. 'Time to change the playlist, DJ!', thats what I said to myself and that's how I turned tables, no heads.

During my Rock n' Rolla life of Sex, Drugs and Alcohol, I sort of got used to a certain amount of attention. Mostly sexual, but so what? And here I was in a country, where I was happy not getting attention. I met a few boys, some decent, some intelligent and some self made rich young men too. And these were all men my parents directly or slyly introduced me to for TADAH! SURPRISE SURPRISE! Kill me! BUT to be a little fair, these men were nice. (Ahem! Maybe my parents have better taste than I do.) Why did nothing work out? Well, because I never allowed them to formally take it forward with the cliche 'I am not ready for marriage' excuse. It's only now I have begun to feel ready for a relationship (which is different from wanting to be married.) Not just ready but I genuinely would like to be in one now.

This is not a sign of desperation but being aware of yourself. Some are compulsive relationship freaks, some are Forever Alones and some are ready for it. I am ready for it. Which means I feel I can finally love and care back which was not the case before. Earlier what I wanted was, the attention. And that my friends, is a big difference in how your relationship is going to be. Of course, attention is important in a relationship but should never be your reason to get into a relationship. Disaster! Now, that maturity has taken over, I feel more confident about it. And no, another series of one night stands is not the answer. Not interested! Funny discovery of self in fact tells me I even suck at flirting. I realized a pattern where if a guy shows interest in me, I immediately curl into a shell. I become scared and rude which of course ends in him dating someone else then. I maybe confident in wanting to date and having overcome all that has happened in my past but despite gaining wisdom and peace with self, there are little tiny drops of insecurity which have not been wiped off. I am working on it but it's like a minor attack of paranoia hits me every time I see myself with a man. He is not interested in me. He just wants to fuck. He does not think I am pretty. He thinks I am a dumbfuck. He thinks I am showing too much interest. He thinks I am desperate. He is a flirt. He is like this with every girl. Oh no! This is just a friendly polite conversation. He has no option that's why me! And some more. So, while I am jogging through these various possibilities of how the man is not interested me, I have genuinely dished the man out even when I am consciously trying to flirt back. Clearly, I do not know how to flirt. I suck at it! And I definitely suck at taking things forward, instead I run away. Thanks to the above mentioned insecurities that I am still struggling with. Do you see how hard my life is now? God damn it! I struggle with flirting as well as getting rid of my insecurities, both at the same fucking time! And somewhere in the middle of it, I am trying to have a conversation with this guy too. Applaud for my terrible multi tasking skills please.

And to make matters worse, friends are ofcourse getting married, parents want you married, the unmarried ones are planning their marriages and those who are not planning their marriages are steady in their fucking relationships. Awesome! I have spent my prime years in fucking men I have no wish seeing again and then discovering my real self, my soul. Turns out, I am quite average (maybe even below average), contrary to the years of Diva image I had of myself in my head.Yet, I prefer the life I have lived than the average life that many have lived or are living. I am an average person for sure but not one with an average life. Do you ever see how everything leads to another? Have you ever seen the dominoes roll in your life? I sat and saw it all, and when you see it, you smile. Your peace is sitting in the middle of the thousands of dominoes falling on each other. The moment it pops out, you have attained a little bit of wisdom. And I would never trade anything ever for this poetic life of mine.

I am in one of my most happy phases. I have not just realized things about self but also about my relationships with friends and family. Who do you want to keep and who you do not? Even if it is your best friend for over a decade who has hurt you with her words and action and used you financially and harmed you emotionally, no amount of love and years of togetherness can justify it. Some relationships come with unbreakable rules. And you may for years defend it to yourself and others, the day you see that domino roll, you see some relationships falling with it. Yet, you sit there and smile. Relieved. Wiser. Happier. Peaceful.

You let some go. You let some stay. And you invite some new. I am hoping to find someone I can share a relationship, a friendship and love and care with. Not just my bed for a few hours, anymore. I am a sorted regrown virgin. Amen to this new self, I say!

Love n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

LSL

Love Sex and Friends.

When you wake up and reach for the left over Belgian Chip Chocolate Ice Cream in your Freezer and then the left over half bar of Twix, the world will know you have not had a good week.

Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does. Just when I was wondering all of my days what do I write on my Blog, cause nothing except work happens in my life. RH came back and how!

RH is back, living with my best friend K. How does he know her? Reminder - K's boyfriend's best friend, also RH is that sweet loving caressing guy I had a one nighter with. He was gone for a year and has re appeared, but left like a Ghost.

K, like always kept trying to hook me and RH up through out his stay, but I kept ignoring, instead made fun of the whole idea in front of RH and let it go. Despite K trying to place me with him verbally, she would always stick around with him, flirt with him in obvious ways. Where is K's boyfriend? Away for the last two months for work, and will remain away for the next four to six months more.

"RH and I kissed!"
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah...."
"No, I could not hear you."
"RH and I kissed."
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah..."
"WTF dude!"
"I know."
We laugh.

I really had no clue how to react. Thankfully I was with this other close friend of mine at that time and I just lay my head on the table after hanging up and the friend knew what just happened. Apparently, none of my friends like K. They think she is weird and not a true friend to me. But the point is, she is my friend and I do not give a fuck. I will do anything and everything for her. But this time? I did not know.

"RH and K kissed."
"Whaaat?"
After a pause.
"I am not surprised."
Awkward silence.
"WTF man! I knew this was coming but really this should not have come."
"Well..."
"No well... This ain't cool man. Friends DO NOT kiss the same guy. Ever!"
"Then you should tell her that..."
"Now? When she has already kissed him?"
"Before she sleeps with him."
"My saying will not stop her from sleeping with him."
"Then your friendship is fucked up."
"No."
"Dude! She is going to sleep with the man you slept with."
"Dude! It is not about him. I don't give a flying fuck about RH. Its just as a friend she should not have done that. Its weird man..."
"Then tell her no..."
"I don't think RH is worth fighting over with K."
"WTF are you talking?"
"She sounds excited about RH. I can not help it. I should have known when she kept randomly saying things like 'I can share my man with you cause you are such a best friend of mine' jazz. Argh."
"What?"

K Calling.

"Are you mad at me?"
"Why?"
"Cause you know... RH and me..."
"Oh! Crazy woman! Why will I be mad at you? Are you stupid?"
"Phew! I knew it. I Love you. Come soon. We need to talk. I am going to explode in excitement."
"Ill be there in a while. See you. Muah."

"Why the fuck did you not tell her?"
"Cause I Love her too much. I just can not.... I do not want to kill it for her... She is excited and happy."
"You are not being a true friend."
"I am sorry. I can never be mad with her. Even if she fucked my husband."
"WTF dude. That is just sick!"
"I do not know. I Love very very few people this way but when I do, I do man."
"Stop trying to fit into Godly nice shoes. Get real, for God's sake!"
"You are not going to understand this. It is weird for me. It is crazy. It is not something I am cool with. But I will also let it go. It shall pass away."
"You guys are fucked up."
"So be it."

I did what a friend is to do. Defended her. Laughed with her. Got happy for her. Hi5ed and smiled and giggled like 14 year olds do. But I tore inside. RH was just a one night stand. I was not emotionally involved with him ever, yet I felt cheated and betrayed somewhere. Why did she do this? She described how he played with her hair, held her hand, caressed her lovingly and made her feel like no other man ever has. I just smiled. This time I could not bring myself to Aaaww her because I felt the same and I could not tell her that that is how he feels. I smiled for her. Dying inside for reasons I do not know.

She added me to hers and RH's conversation, it was now a serious conference.

"What do we do about the boyfriend, L?"
"Lol. Finally realized?"
"This whole equation is fucked up man."
"Well... That it is."
"RH's best friend is my boyfriend. My best friend slept with RH. Me and RH are going to sleep together. WTF, man!"
"LOL."
RH was in the conversation but only as a listener. What was he to say, anyway?
"Just for the record, YOU AND I ARE NOT SLEEPING KISSING THE SAME MAN EVER AGAIN."
Maybe my friend was right. I should let K know I am not cool with this before she actually goes and sleeps with my husband.
Funnily, she laughed it off and got back to her usual "RH RH RH" mode. I left the conversation. I'd rather kill my time with this other friend of mine whom I was chatting with along side, J.

"Whats up?"
"Just buying a sandwich. Really need a smoke. Cant find."
"I'll give you a smoke. You get me a sandwich. Super hungry."
"Where are you?"
We were apparently very close.
"I will seriously come over."
"Lol. No. I am kidding. It is 2 AM."
"But damn. I really need a smoke."
"And I really need a sandwich."
"What do we do?"
"Argh. Just come man!"
He came. We sat. We smoked. We talked. We went out for a drive in crazy rains. Ate sandwiches. Came back home. Smoked. Lots of small talk. And then he left.

I locked my house and before I turned, my phone beeped.
"Just so you know. You are cuter than I thought you were."
"Thank you. And you are really sweet."
"Sweet is not good enough. Err... I do not want to kill this but I really wanted to kiss you."
"You remember I am married and have two kids."
"I will still take my chances."
":)"
"Funnily, I have not left yet. I am sitting in my car, messaging you."
"You must go."
"I wanna see you one more time before leaving. Coming to the car?"
"No. :P"
"I can not ask you to come if you do not want to. But I will wait for 5 mins. If you come, great. If not, then well, bye."
"Honestly, its 4:30 AM. I am not too sure if I should walk upto your car alone."
"Come out of your house. I am coming there."
"I am coming out just to SAY Good Night."

The doorbell rang. I stood at my door. He sat on the stairs beside it.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Its late."
"I know."
"You must go."
"Hhmm."
"So?"
"Stop being an Asshole."
He leaned in and kissed.

Despite all that flirting, I was shocked and surprised at what happened. But then we kissed and we kissed and we kissed. Ofcourse he tried getting his hands inside my shirt and on my breasts. But I stopped him. I was proud. I knew I did not want another one nighter. With RH now turning into a disaster and the last one, well you all know what the hell that was. I just did not want one more to add to this horrible feeling list of mine. We kissed for hours and then he left when well it became extremely difficult for him to 'hold on'. Once he got back. We spoke for hours on the phone. Small talk. He said some really nice things to me. The nicest being 'You look so innocent that it is impossible to have dirty thoughts about you. All I wanna do is stare at this angel face and kiss it.' Just the perfect time to say that. I really really needed to hear something so nice after feeling this horrid and torn about RH and K. All it took was that kiss and his sweet talk and random fun company to make me forget all about RH and K. It did not matter anymore, all of a sudden. I was now thinking of F.

When I told K about F, she was excited. Thought I had landed a jackpot with his looks and job. But admitted he looked unstable and a flipper. That makes us complete opposites. She insisted I should date him, but then it was just one meeting, one kiss. He called the next day, asked if he could come over, but I was with a friend. I messaged him the day after that and he did not reply. I kept waiting all night. But he did not. I was right, afterall.

"Date him, L."
"K, This is going to end with a fuck."
"I think he likes you."
"K, No."
"No, believe me L. Men fuck me, they like you."
"I have no clue what makes you think that way. But just so you are reminded. You end up dating all the men you sleep with, and I do not even stay in touch."
"Also, I have slept with some 20 men and you just 3."
We laughed.
"I cant date him. He is not stable, K."
"And you are not fun. You are boring. You have no life. You both will balance each other out."
"K, Where the fuck are you taking this one kiss? This kiss was just a I-will-make-you-feel-special-till-I-fuck-you."
"I have no clue who has hurt you, L. But this will not end with a fuck, babe."

I did not say a thing. Now, I just did not know what do I feel bad about. About how I am disappointed in my friendship? About how K, despite having told her everything, very conveniently says 'she has stopped feeling deep emotions'? She is flipping. I am scared to see her this way. I really am. About F not replying to my text last night? About me being just a fuck for F? About how I will not find a 'relationship'? About how the stability I am so proud of is just on the outside and inside I am an emotional wreck? About how everyday I feel 'bad things happen to bad people' and so I am a bad person? About how I maybe giving in too much to my friendship without receiving anything in return? About waiting and waiting and just waiting like the Step Sister who has no story but just a pretty dress, an ugly face and the significance of a vamp?

I can not look sad. I can never show or express my true feelings, emotions and fears to anyone on this planet. I can not thank god enough for giving me writing. For if this was not there, my absolute power over pretense and fake smiles would be lost.

May you all Love endlessly and find true and genuine Book Love.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - Everyone please put your hands together for Sulagna , my Blogger Diva who just gave birth to a beautiful Bengali Babe. One more girl out in this world to love endlessly and be loved even more so. Hugs Su. You have no idea, how happy I am for you. Congratulations! You will make a Super Cool Mom! Love you.

On days like these...

Out of habit, I vent out in front of BG.
"Argh. BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY!"
"Get a hug. Eat a Burger. Drink a Beer."
"No hugs available.
Burger - Not in the mood.
If I have Beer then my work will surely get done."
"Okay."

After about an hour.

"Where are you?
"Home. Where else?"
"Okay. I will see you in 10 minutes."
"Uh.. Okay."

10 minutes later, the doorbell rings.
"Hi."
"Hi. You needed a hug na..."

Middle of the night I call K. We speak for an hour and a half about EVERYTHING on this planet, including our own whimsical one. She reassures me of who I am when I need it the most. She knows I am disillusioned. Demotivated. Frustrated. Pissed. Rusting to the extent of losing myself forever. She says the right things and makes things seem so much easier for me.
"You are L! How can you be letting yourself do this to you? Just go ahead and take the decision. I know it will not be easy but then you are not happy anyway. You bloody well do it."

Later after that call.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Sure it is just work?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Then you continue. We will talk tomorrow."
And G and I hang up.

Five minutes later, phone beeps.
"I know you had a bad day. Wish I'de know what happened and wish I could make it better for you. Now that I can not, all I can offer is a big hug with a promise that everything happens for good. Have a nice night baby. Tomorrow is a new day."

Some things can never change between me and G.

It is on days like these you wonder what good did you do in your life that you have such beautiful people in your life who are just there for you.

Thanking you three would be belittling the emotions and the ear to ear unending smile you brought on my face. All I can do is Thank God for having you in my life. Thank you God for making me your special child and someone special for these people. :) I still can not stop smiling. BIG HUG. BIG KISS.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Gifted

"Can you all please shut up?", she screamed.
But we continued laughing.
In the midst of hysterical laughter on a lazy afternoon, another one interrupted.
"Don't you guys get it? She is with SH right now in the other room."
Apparently she was the only one who heard the entire screaming and understood what the screaming was for.
And the ignorant added, "So, what if she is with him in the other room?"
"His mother expired."
"Oh! I did not know that."
The funny one found this amusing,"Its okay man. If she is consoling him in the other room what has that got to do with what is happening in this room? And why are you guys reacting like this?"
"Because my parents are dead and I DO tend to get hyper on such things."

The room was filled with silence. The gloominess from the next room had travelled to this one.

An hour later, I see my mother's missed call.
"Listen! I have to choose 'Savings Bank' at the ATM na? And then?"
Despite having told her a billion times and she herself having it done some three-four times, her doubts surrounding technology will never die.
"Yes mom. And then your PIN and then the amount. Okay?"
"Okay. I am going to the ATM, if I have any problem out there. I will call you."
"Yes mom."
"And oh, please! Tomorrow is Solar Eclipse. Be careful. Do not touch any metals. Do not eat between 11:30 am till 3:30 pm. You can have fruits but no cooked food. Also do not eat...."
I was just too happy hearing her and feeling good about having a mother who maybe physically away, still is extremely concerned about even the smallest of things, to know what she continued warning for the next five minutes. Of course the smile on my face was also because of the funny situation where I am teaching her simple technology and she is talking me into myths.

Whenever I sit down to thank God. I have always and will continue to thank him the most for the people in my life. My parents, my friends, G and the people I am surrounded with for several reasons. But today was only more special. I feared losing them. My mom always told me to think of 'Death' everyday because according to her it makes the biggest loss a human being can face, just easier. Since then, I have tried facing and accepting death everyday. But I can not accept the hollowness that will come after that. I depend on her for so much more than emotional and worldly needs.

The relationship between a child and a parent is truly God's greatest gift. He may never ever never ever never ever make any child let go off the most beautiful thing that He himself ever created.

I have hardly stayed with my father all through my life and I always complained to God about it but it is only today that I can not stop thanking Him for he has at least given me a father who cares and is always there for me. He, who can show his love, even if it means virtually.

I am gifted. Gifted with the best gift, Mom and Papa. Today, I thank God for my biggest gift, strength, something that really is 'FOREVER N EVER N EVER'.

Who says Love dies?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Time to Face it!

"I wonder how would a Hindi man ask you 'What are you wearing?'"
"What do you mean by a Hindi man?"
"A man who speaks Hindi."
"Simple G! 'Tum kya pehney ho?'"
"That sounds hot. Now answer it."
"Nothing."
"How come?"
"Just got out of a shower."
"What is you weight?"
"Hello?"
"What is your weight, now?"
"Hello? I can not hear you G!"
"Alright. If you can not hear me then we will talk later."
"No. No. I can hear you, now."
"What is your weight?"
"I can not hear you again."
"You will lose your weight by my next birthday?"
"I guess."
"This birthday I gave you a good 11 months to lose but you did not."
"9!"
"10!"
"No 9!"
"10 1/2"
"No! 9!"
"L, it is 10 1/2, if not 11."
"Alright. Fine. I will lose."
"I can not trust you, ya."
"O.K."
"Please be trustworthy, no!

You there?"
"Yes."
"Why are you sounding down and out while I am being such a choot?"
"No. I am fine."
"Come here. Sit on my lap."
"No. You will die."
"Yes. But let us take a chance."
"No. No."
"Alright. I'll get on top of you?"
"Yeah. I won't die. You do not weigh too much."
"Why are you getting all serious?"
"I am absolutely fine, G. I am not serious."
"Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree
Sorry.
Saaree................................................................Sorry."
"You do not have to apologize, G. I am good."
"Now say Saaree Sorry, 20 times."
"Why?"
"Just say it. It is allot of fun."
"No. It is not."
"Come on. I listen to allot of your silly stories. Now it is my turn."
"O.K.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Sorry."
"Caught you. You said 'Sorry Sorry'."
"No. I did not."
"Yes you did. I won. Now give me 100 bucks."
"Yeah right."
"Now see, if I say this four times straight without a mistake, you will have to give me 400 bucks."
"Hmmm."
"Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Saaree.
Sorry.
Now give me 400 bucks."
"Yeah right!"

We may have continued to do our silly stuff but that one word lingered. I was down and out. I was hurt. Not because of what he said but because he too said it.

I have all my life had a problem trusting people. Why? I just find it difficult. Today, I realized it was because I was not too sure of my own self. I am afraid of forming too many relationships. I feel they have the ability to hurt and ruin you. I feel 'What if I betray or are betrayed unconsciously?' I have always taken my own sweet time in forming the whatever few relationships I have. By that, I mean, the ones I believe in. The ones I know I will carry with me for life, happily, willingly and desperately. By that, I mean Mom, Dad, Sister, K, Aj and G. OF which three have directly shown difficulty in trusting me and three, indirectly.

Trust, for me, like most or rather all, has been a huge issue. By God's grace, I am blessed with people in my life who have treasured my trust in them. Unfortunately, I have not. In small ways or big. Consciously or Unconsciously. One time or more. Their trust in me has come into question. My father has hardly spent any time with me yet is sure he can not trust me, for reasons I am yet to figure out. My sister would love to trust me blindly but also knows I am highly unpredictable. My mother, I feel, sometimes fights with herself to trust me. Probably the only reason why I have survived so far is because of her belief in me, whether it is a self fought and won battle for her or a natural mother-child relation. She has been my pillar yet I can not forgive myself for breaking her trust when I have lied to her for all things, small or big. I have broken K's trust in me, unknowingly but she forgave. Aj's trust, knowingly, assuming it won't make a difference to him. And he pretended as if it did not.

Today G just brought back all that I had ignored all my life. He simply assured me of a flaw I had been hiding under layers of Self assumptions and Ignorance. I have had this issue trouble me but I have pushed it in my closet like a piece of unwanted cloth. G may have joked about being non trustworthy, but it was true. No matter how small or big the matter in question maybe, trustworthiness is highly sensitive. It is neither easy to earn nor maintain.

My heart aches. It is not easy to gulp a piece of truth that has scared you all your life. I feared having trusting issues, not realizing I was trapped in many of those, already. It is like a thick leather whip hitting your naked ass in a crowded arena. That is how bad it hurts. That is how hard the truth is.

Lets face it, 'I HAVE BEEN UNTRUSTWORTHY'! I have been told that too many times, directly and indirectly. Its time, I accept it. It may take all my strength to take it in, but it better be done now. The amendments should be made now. (But I thank God, for giving me such trustworthy people in my life, despite my own known or unknown distrusting times.)

(I am sorry. For the first time, I am wallowing in self pity and do not feel worthy of spreading Love, Peace, Hugs or Kisses.)

Thanks!

A Long Night

"Hello."
"Yeah."
"Sorry!"
"For what?"
"For not talking to you today.
For not talking to you yesterday.
For not talking to you the day before yesterday.
For not talking to you for the past 10 days.
For not talking to you for the past so many years."
I had to smile. It was cute. Talk about women getting easily flattered!
The cold voice continued, "It is okay."
"No! Say more. I want you to take out all your anger. Scream. Shout. Punch. Slap me."
"No. It is OK." without a change in the tone.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing?"
"Are you going to sleep?"
"Yes. Maybe. Do not know."
"I am going out for dinner with my friend. I will call you back?"
"No. Let it be. We will talk tomorrow."
"Going to sleep? If not, then I will call you back."
"No."
"Fine. Then I will call you back. Bye Babe."
I hang up.
If he calls women 'manipulative', well, I can not defend myself, at least.

40 minutes later. Coldness does wonders. Gives you all the attention you have not got in a long time. ;)
"HI BABE!"
"Hi."
"Still mad?"
"Yes."
"Then take it out, no!"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I do not want to."
"Okay. Tell me, What is the worst question that I can ask you at this moment?"
"I do not know."
"Come on! Tell me."
"Asking me to forget it and let go off it?"
"Not a statement. A Question."
"Is my work done?"
"No. Something I ask more often. A question that is my favorite."
"What are you wearing?"
Strange, how he is deciding which of his questions is going to make me more mad at him. Huh. Of course him ignoring my anger and asking about my 'job' would make me angrier than him wanting to know what I am wearing! That actually makes me go pink from red than redder. (I guess he knew that! Huh. And he says 'Women are manipulative!')
"Yes! So, now that you have asked that yourself, answer it too."
"I have put the question. You answer it."
"What are you wearing?"
"I am not answering it. I am still angry."
"Right now, you almost forgot that you are angry."
"No. I did not! In fact, I do not even think we would be having this conversation if I did not let you know I am angry through my articulation. You would have instead, very conveniently called and said, 'L, I am so tired today. We will talk tomorrow.'"
"You know what? I actually came out to give company to my friends for dinner where I did not even eat because I had already had my dinner, just so that I could stay out and talk to you peacefully..... L, Lets talk tomorrow."
Okay! I, once again have said more than I should have.
After a good two minute silence.
"Sorry."
"Say it again."
"Sorry."
"Say it 15 more times. I apologized 17 times to you."
"Get Lost! I am not saying it one more time. My mistake is not bigger than yours."
"You have hurt me, Bitch. Apologize!"
"NOWAY!"
"Alright. 10 more times. I am giving you a discount."
"I have said 'Sorry' twice. Want it? Take it else lose those two also."
"Alright. Five more and answer 'What are you wearing?'"
"Too much. Not answering."
"Final on 3 and answer."
"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"
"What are you wearing?"
"Do you really expect me to be all dressed up at 1:00 a.m.? I am in my Night clothes."
"Nice. You should have been here."
"For what? To have you watch your sports every weekend and spend no time with me?"
"Come on L! If you are with any other normal guy, you will face the same problem. So no point dumping me for this reason. Also, with no other guy can you have a conversation like you do with me."
"Huh."
"You know this American student got raped?"
"Yes by her own friends."
Changing the topic when your girlfriend is not saying more than a word is the best move.
"Men are such bastards. Isn't it?"
"It is not just that. But sadly, it is the Indian male mentality which thinks it is easier to get a lay from a Foreigner. And when you do not get it, in a drunken state, you rape her. It is not the first case."
"All the bad that happens in this world is because of men."
Even better if you blame yourself or the entire male species for something. Invisible Brownie points!
"Exactly. You are so right, G."
"Men should be eradicated!"
"Completely! A Woman gets upset because of a Man. A Woman abuses another Woman out of jealousy and insecurity because of a Man. A Woman abuses the Man because of how he is. A Woman feels sad and disrespected because of a Man. Men are such a curse."
"There should be a button and all men should vanish."
"Totally. The world will become so clean, tidy, civilized and full of love."
"Men are clean."
"Please! They keep their plates where they eat. They also do not make the efforts of throwing the left over apple after eating it. They..."
"Okay!"
"I am just waiting for the day when we will not need men to produce babies."
"That is the only positive thing that men do. Produce babies."
"And there too they are so careless that God can not trust them with the responsibility of bearing a child."
"There should be a button in women, which when pressed would produce babies."
The conversation slowly sinking in! FUCK! A World full of only women?
"G, it will be a world full of dildos!"
"Well, you can keep some of them? Like your Boyfriends and Fathers?"
"Fathers, of course. It is so nice to have a father.... No Wait! Keeping your father would mean getting into the same cycle. You will have to get a father for your babies too. Damn. No. No men at all."
After the conversation entirely sank it. I took the right side. The No Men Land side.
"Gone. All men are already gone, L. I think I am the only one left because I am still having this conversation with you."
"Remember, when you go you will have no sports."
"Why not? I will be like a Spirit who can get and do whatever he wants to."
He was now seeing the positive side of it. Sports comes before sex!
"No G. You all will be completely non existent. Like, not there. Not even as spirits."
"Of course we will be."
"G, even if you are, there will be no Sports."
"Why?"
"Because there will be no men."
Phew. This conversation felt good. I won.

"You know I Love you, right?"
"I Love you too."
"You are the best man in this world. And I am not leaving you."
"Yeah. Who else will tell you to eradicate men?"
"How is the night there?"
"Breezy. Nice. Calm."
"Hhhmmmm."
It was the perfect night for me. I just wanted to sleep in his arms having this conversation.
"Asleep?"
"No."
"I have to wake up early tomorrow."
"You must go to sleep."
"No. It is okay."
It was peaceful. It was our comfortable silence, in which I wanted to sleep.
"What is it tomorrow?"
"A Family thing and then the rest of the day will be occupied with allot of office work too."
"You can catch up on your sleep in the afternoon as well, right?"
"No. The schedule is slightly tight."
"Oh! Go. Go. Go to sleep."
"Okay. Bye Babe."
"Oh! You know what?"
Yes, women seem to find the most interesting and exciting things to share at the end of a conversation. Now, you know how two women can talk at length despite 1000 Byes.
"What?"
"I saw this dream where I am sleeping. The room filled with the sound of Elton John and you reading a book to me over my head."
"Was it a Porn Book?"
"No! It was a Fairy Tale, I guess."
"If I am reading a book to you. It would be a Porn Book and my hand would be under your skirt. I would feel your breasts while reading. And put you to sleep after we are tired doing each other."
"No!", by now I was smiling in my half sleep. No! His descriptions were not boring. I was damn sleepy. It was almost 3 a.m., now.
"That is what we would do, L."
"No! My dream had a Cinderella, I think."
"Okay. Let us go to sleep now."
Men know when to end a conversation. Prolonging this would mean another one hour of Fairytale v/s Porn with no conclusions and no phone sex too.
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night Babe."
"I Love you."
"I Love you too."
"Big hug!"
"Big kiss."
"Bye."

"Keep the phone!"
"Mhhmm. Give me a hug, first."
"Big hug."
"Hhmmmm", comfortably tucked.
"Bye baby."
"Bye."

And I slept with his voice wrapping my relaxed body and calm senses.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

On a Clueless Trip

I can not write when I have nothing to write or a neat thought to express. But, I want to write, what? I am sure I do not know. Deleting three old and two new drafts is proof enough.

Though, I still have a little Thought of the day to share, "A day spent with a good Book is always secretly preferred over watching Casablance with your Lover on a couch, wearing Pajamas."

It came after I carelessly spent an entire night finishing One and a Half Books, along with the pleasures of a rejuvenating head massage. For once, I neither cared nor wanted G to call. It is so much better to be with yourself, specially if you have not had that time in ages. :)

NEWS Piece - Life or Something Like it, my beloved honest Blogger has awarded me the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you so much, Saher. :)

As per the rules of receiving this Award, I am suppose to pass it on, as well as state some honest points about myself. The former is easy but the latter seems damn tough, but I shall try.

1) Yes! I am a young woman. For all those who thought I could be a miraculous man, who can think so much from a Woman's point of view and dedicate a Monthly post to PMS, without fail.

2) I Love and respect my Anonymity. Expect the respect bit from others too. Stop getting overtly curios!

3) I am definitely not as you have imagined me to be like, whatever that maybe.

4) No matter how difficult I may find to talk about myself particularly or objectively, I am pretty much Self Obsessed.

5) I may not believe in the existence of God yet I call him my Friend.

Just 5 points down and I am convinced, Honesty is a virtue and an art. Not everyone knows HOW to be Honest. I for one, do not.

Coming to the Award Ceremony, "And the Award goes to Dipti and Don't Be a Slut, my two most favorite Blogs. I admire and am hooked to your Blogs because of the fearless honesty in them. Continue writing the way you do. May God Bless you with more Virtues and not limit your goodness to Honesty, alone. ;) Love you girls. Kisses."




Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

To be only yours, I Pray

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

hmmmmm, hmmmmm, oooooh.

(Only Hope by Mandy Moore from A Walk to Remember)

When do you start 'demanding' in a relationship? When do you start 'expecting'? I am sure most of us have no answer to that. Just as a relationship is formed by an unknown vibe and force, such things slowly start becoming a part of that relationship. That is why we are humans. Illogical nerds looking for a reason. If we fall in love, it should also be able to answer 'What made me fall in love?' 'When did you fall in love?' 'Why me?' Yes, these are questions asked by women but not like men do not think about it. We know it.

Consider this,

"They are worried that their daughter is turning 27 and they have not found him a suitable match yet."
"Mom, she is just 27. She has a long life ahead."
"You will understand this only when you become a parent."
"Well if you bind your child to options that are limited only up to a particular community in the society. Should not you all be prepared for some delay in that case?"
"One must marry in their community only."
"BUT WHY?"
"Because they SHOULD."
"But the question is WHY."
"Because that is the first preference."
"Why is it the first preference?"
"Because everyone wants their children to marry in the same sect or religion."
"Mom! We are beating around the same bush. Just tell me WHY?"
"Because inter religion marriages do not work out."
"They have not failed because of their religions. Have they?"
"But they have because of their different backgrounds and upbringing."
"What if you find a similar family outside your religion? And what is the guarantee that the same sect family will have a similar family atmosphere?"
"Look, if you want to marry someone outside the religion, GO AHEAD."
Sounds good but that was not the point.
"Let us not take this personally. I really want to know. It is a general perspective world wide. But why is it so? Give me a REASON!", I demanded.
"There is. That is it!"
"You know there is one horrible ideology? We are proud when someone of a different religion changes his religious faith to ours. But another man of our religion turning to another religion will upset us. Why?"
"Because our religion is logical and intelligent."
"Fine agreed. There is good and wrong in different religions, but we are not happy because we think that the person made an intelligent move by converting his faith into ours. We are just happy because we have an additional family member or man in the army. However we may like to look at it."
"It is a stupid thing to leave your religion."
"Does not the same apply to the person who willfully converted to your religion?"
"Easy way out. No one should convert."
"Why not? If they have a mind of their own and want to then why not?"
"Well, every religion teaches you the same thing anyway."
"Then where is the difference?"
Thoughtful silence.
"You know what used to happen in old times? People encouraged marrying in the same community only to make their community strong. That makes sense. So, if you give me a sensible logic for not marrying outside my community, I shall think over it. But unfortunately, most of your generation is brought up like a fanatic. This exists because it does. Not because there is a reason behind it. You have been told something over and over again that you believe it, like a fanatic father teaching his children something without answering his curiosities. That child strongly believes in what his father is saying but knows not why he believes in it."

We have no answers because we have neither questioned nor been answered. The above conversation turned into an argument that emotionally disturbed my mother. She thought I was trying to convince her because G does not belong to the same religion as I do. I was not. I was just the curios kid who was not being answered. Only that I realized I was asking the wrong person. An already unanswered curios kid.

Expectations and Demanding are two things I like to stay away from, but unconsciously fall prey to. Why? Is it interconnected with love? No. Is it because we have been brought up to be that way? Maybe. But most importantly, WHEN are we expecting and not hoping? WHEN are we demanding and not wishing? It may sound so simple and predictable if I answer 'When we put pressure on the other person about our wishes and hopes.' But do we do this knowingly? Sometimes, yes! But most? We are clueless.

I demanded an explanation from my mother expecting an answer. It did not work. I unconsciously demanded G to listen to this entire conversation in the middle of his 'me time' and expected him to hear between the lines and understand. So what if my mother had no answers? So what if G thought his match was more important and the conversation boring? Why should it make me think? Why should it make me feel something is missing in the relationship if we fail to understand sometimes? Why should I victimize my father for not always understanding? Why should I be disappointed if my mother can not fulfill my demands? Why should I feel 'dumped' if G is not interested in something I am saying? When I am there for myself.

Yes! We need people. But do we need them all the time? Why do we demand that kind of attention? Why do we expect that kind of understanding? When I can sit and think about myself. I can talk to myself and understand what I want. If there are questions inside you. There are answers around you. If you can love someone else. You can love yourself. By the end of the day, it is I FOR I.

My mother can not demand a marriage with anyone from me and I can not expect her to understand what I want always, because we first need to understand ourselves. Resolve issues with ourselves. Find answers within. Love ourselves first.

I talk to God. I talk to myself. I sing for myself. I dance to my song. I do so because I am my only hope. I am my best friend. I am my partner in crime. I am my skeleton in the closet. I am my wish. I am my hope. I am my questions. I am my answer. I am the love. I am my strength. I am there ALWAYS, 24*7, literally, for myself.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

I pray to be true to myself. I am my only hope. I do not want to succumb to someone else's demands and lose myself in expectations. I want to be mine. To be only mine, I pray.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I am thankful to God for giving me such people who despite my aggression and silent pressures do not find me 'demanding'. I thank you because I believed in you and you believed in me, and we continue to share that relationship. I have tried not being demanding or expectant with you. Hope I have been with you how I wish to treat myself. I Love you. Thank you for living up to the 'expectations', God (Alright, so I did.). There is no one I can love more than you. Kisses. :)

Being There!

The most important promise in a relationship - 'I shall always be there for you.'

What is this Promise after all? When are the moments when you need to fulfill this promise? And How do you do that?

He was being nice. I knew I was cold.
"Look L, I can not have a conversation with a person who just does not say anything."
"Fine. Then let us just end it."
"What is wrong with you? Why are you talking like this?"
"Talking like what?"
"L..."
"Look G, I do not want to talk. We will talk later."
"What is it? Tell me. When did our relationship reach at a level when you would talk of breaking up? What have I done? Please tell me."
I sob. And sob. And cry endlessly. Having a two hour conversation where I tell him about how I do not get to talk much because either I am interrupted or the conversation ends before I start talking. I say a hell lot of other things. Things I do not remember. Things that made no sense. Things I regret saying. Things that were irrelevant. Things I did not mean. Things which were important. Things which had to be talked about.

I was unhappy. Upset. I was not feeling good for over two weeks because of myself. I think I was guilty about something. I think I was cheating someone I love. I think I was not loving myself at all. I was not being that part of me, which I was most proud of. I was plain unsatisfied and unhappy. It was killing me from inside. I needed a friend desperately. I wanted to hug Aj and K and talk. Just be with K and have fun. Wanted to forget everything with her.

G thought it had something to do with our relationship. He went on and on about how he or the relationship maybe responsible to make me feel like that. I hung up more times than I had decided. This constant rant about him or the relationship made me feel worst. I did not know how to explain I AM UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF REASONS I DO NOT KNOW OF. I JUST NEED YOU TO BE THERE. He insisted he was. He always was. He still is. But I wanted more of him. Something he did not understand. I decided to kill the ego and explain "G. I know you are there but if I am asking you to be there for me means I need more of you. I need an assurance. I need to be reminded. I need to feel that 'Yes! You are there'. I need you to hold me. I need you to tell me 'L, Whatever it is. I am there with you. It will pass. I will be through all of this with you. Holding you tight.' I know all of this. I know this is a phase. I know you are there. But knowing by myself does not seem enough. I really want you to act like being there."
And then came his response to a speech, a sobbing explanation that was longer than it appears here, "Okay".

I laughed my ass off. It was so funny. I could not help but laugh. ALL he had to say to all the sobbing begging and emotional outburst was an O.K.. I could not believe my ears. I told him, "You make me feel like a loser bitch begging for something she deserves." I also told him, "I thought you would be a friend but ..." And he said, "I am. When I can sit hear and understand my ex then it is definite that I can understand and I would make the effort to understand you better." I know I said allot of nasty things to him. I regret bringing up 'break up'. I hated myself at that moment. Wanted to slap and punish myself for saying that.

We hung up after that 'O.K.'. Yes, I gave up. Ten million call backs had already made me feel I was important. He wanted to sleep over it. I did not. I had slept over it enough. I guess somewhere I had given up the hope of him understanding my state. Something that hurts, but I understood. I explained myself that I am hurting myself with too many expectations. Sometimes somethings are really beyond a man's understanding. Women are complicated. They are difficult to understand. They are difficult to handle.

We did go to sleep. At least before we slept, he assured me that he loves me. Though I was still craving for a hug from him. If he had said that, it would have ended all matters there and then.

The next day we talk. I was confused. I had not said even a single 'I Love you' last night. I wanted to now. And I sent a simple mail. Switched off the phone. But could not stay that way for too long. He called immediately. We spoke. I was not too good yet he tried. He asked if I wanted to talk about last night. I refused. I decided to give it up and at least try to let go off it. I had issues with myself. Why was I turning this into bigger issues in my relationship? He tried. He tried very hard. I had to smile. I had to apologize for my behavior last night. He apologized too for 'not being there'. We smiled. Laughed. Joked. I begged again, 'At least give me a hug. I have been wanting one for so long.' 'You know L, I am not a hug person.' 'But I am.' 'OK. Take a big hug.' That was enough. It solved the matter between us. I reconciled with myself gradually too.

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' (understand by himself). :P

*************************************************************************************

Friend 1

It was like God conspired to make me think and understand the value of 'being there'. I meet a friend on the same day. She wants her guy 'to be with her' but he probably does not want to. He is too busy. She needs him but does not ask him to be there because she does not want to bother him. She blames herself of being too demanding. It made me think. Was she right? Is blaming yourself of being too demanding when you need the person you love is the right thing to do? Is asking somebody to just assure them of their presence too much to ask?

*************************************************************************************

Friend 2

This one is an online one. Same day. I had one of the weirdest conversations with this one. He was depressed. Wanted to talk. Needed a friend 'to be there' and hear him. I said I was. But he refused on the grounds that I was not a 'real person'. Accused me of being a 'desktop icon'. I was not capable of 'being there' only because he did not know my real name and location. I argued he knew me more than anyone in this world. Anyone who reads my blog knows me more than anyone else in my life. My readers probably know me more than I know them. And knowing a person matters more than knowing the basic information about them. But he chose to remain in his depressed world despite the offer from a 'computer generated chatting software'. I was too 'unreal' to be a friend, for him.

Yes, it had hurt. It had hurt to know I was being considered unreal in a place I am most real. It made me think how 'being there' is a hard job to do. People need people at a time when they are going into a shell of depression and unhappiness. That shell blocks all your thinking power and you refuse whatever help is coming your way. You act difficult in accepting the person who is willing 'to be there for you'. You hurt the same person and lose them forever. You become what you had dreaded - Lonely.

*************************************************************************************

G spent days making me smile, laugh, just 'being there'. He said, "I want to make up for those days when I did not know you wanted more of me."

Thank you God. Thank you for giving me a man for whom everything about me is important. Thank you! Thank you for that every person in my life whom I love and who love me. Thank you for being nice to me. Please forgive me for the times I have tried cheating on you. For the times I have cheated on myself and the people I love. I am sorry to have hurt anyone on this planet. Forgive me for not being nice to others and myself. Help me not to repeat these mistakes. Help me to get back to what I was. I want to be free. I want to be me, again. I Love you God. I Love you G. Thank you for the friends in my life. You send them closer to me when I need them. (Aj and K are coming to town. :D) Thank you for the family that loves and cares for me more than themselves. Thank you for these patient blogger friends. Thank you for the beautiful life you have given me. I do not want to be unhappy and show ingratitude for the gorgeous life you have gifted me. Thank you! I can never Thank you enough, yet Thank you once again. Hugs. (Imagining God hugging you is the most comforting feeling.) :)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.