I was so confused as a little child trying to make sense of love, of men of sex. I thought old people were hornier for they had more kids than our parent's generation because according to me people had sex just to make babies, which means two kids = had sex twice in life. Yes, I was a kid. Now, a whore? No. Definitely not. The music in me tells me its a good fuckin' life.
CT was loved. CT broke my heart. Common friend calls
"Do you know AB?"
"No."
"She is CT's new love interest."
This conversation while CT is in front of him. He denied loving her, being interested in her. But she landed in his city to see him. To surprise. Only, he was shocked. He didn't appreciate the impulse yet welcomed the 'shock' and took care of her. Told her this was not meant to work. She asked him to give her a baby boy and she would live with it for the rest of her life in a pilgrimage. *shakes head* Who talks like this today? CT came out clear to me and all our common friends calling her a psycho and started flirting with me once again. Ofcourse, I responded but cribbed to a friend as to wtf this was. On her insistence, I sent him a song pouring my feelings, he did not take it seriously and I thought I screwed up. He wrote something about a 'fat bitch' and I thought I came across as someone pushy to him and felt worst about self. Cribbed to K. And the best solution to a heartbreak is drinking endlessly with friends and meeting new people. Hence, was done.
Drinking smoking, like life is good. The music helped the sorrow fade away. The pain of his ignorance and a confession that got no response was healing in smoke circles of hash and big gulps of Bacardi. The best bit about regular pubs is meeting friends who are regulars there too. Bumped into V, a neighbor, a friend and a regular. We chatted like always but who knew going back home together would mean the same this time too. V and I had no chemistry.
"Do you want to go back home together?"
"Sure."
On the way.
"Do you have any alcohol at home?"
"Yes. Beer?"
"Excellent."
Conversation from our same roots, our childhood, education, politics were taken over by music once home.
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"I am not much of a reactor." Followed by some personal anecdote about some nondiscrimination, cause that is the word I heard.
"You still haven't answered my question."
"What?"
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"Eeerr... I do not know how to react on this. " After a long pause. "Everything is good man."
He got off his chair which was a feet away from me and leaned. Led me to my room and undressed me like this was all that was on his mind. He was rather different in bed. Can not say, good or bad, but different. Also, considering I had regrown my virginity after almost a year of no 'humpy action', I was in a sorted place. Stoned. Drunk. Horny. Both of us. We did it twice. He stayed back, cuddled and slept. Just the perfect end to a heartbreak. My life is a fucking movie! Yes, I also made morning tea for him and he left with my mug. Neighbours, you see.
As soon as he left, I check my phone and find a text from CT saying he has a stop over in the city for 3-4 hours. And yes, we met. He, me and our common friends. I thought it would be very awkward between us because of the conversation we had yesterday but it was not. He hung out all night as friends, laughed, flirted and he made one of the best home made coffees I have ever had. Told me and the friends about AB's antiques and how he wrote the 'fat bitch' for her friend who was talking slyly about him. CT was looking for books in my room when I walked in and he pulled me in to hug. It was a hug I was longing for and loving every second wrapped around his arms. I have not found such comfort anywhere but in his arms. Its warm. I melt and forget the world. We kissed. (D'uh!) We all left to drop him and all through the way I slept on his shoulder, he played with my hair, stole kisses and he sang in my ears through the way. It was perfect. It was comfortable. Just so comfortable! The kind that a craving pregnant woman finds in her chocolate ice cream at 3:00 AM. Yes, that. And then, he left. We were in a happy place, once again. As I saw him go, I saw my heart turn away. It did not sink, did not smile, did not break. No questions asked. No answers given. For nothing was felt. No emotions left. And once again, I was emotion less. Left wanting to feel the feeling called 'love' but it was misunderstood in CT's case too.
My feelings confuse me in the strangest ways. Sometimes I think I thought I was in love with CT only because I wanted to be in love. Sometimes I think, maybe I was which is why I let go of myself, got myself heartbroken and am now making a sinner of my memory by constantly telling the heart 'it wasn't love'. I have let it go. Fuck it, like they say. Emotions are not my thing. Too much hard work recognizing, feeling and understanding. Next day, I text CT 'I need a headrest.' He would know what I mean, but he did not reply. Realized, its best till its there. Do not put yourself through the same thing of constantly flirting and finding mush and comfort in him. I will only fall in love again, question again, break this heart again. Before I could let it go completely, I find out AB, 'fat bitch' and CT's ex have ganged up against him and talking crap to the world, abusing him left, right and center. Apparently, he had been flirting with the 'fat bitch' too and many other women. All of these women found out and became the Crazy Ex Girlfriends. Tarnishing his reputation, pulling everyone by the collar and telling them what a bitch CT is and how girls should beware of a nympho like him.
Well, I do not deny that for he is a flirt. He does make his woman feel like he is dying to be with them but can not. He is a player, that way. I was only glad these women did not know about me or at least did not drag me into this considering how they really were dragging the world into this matter. I stayed quiet for a few days but felt bad for him. Finally defended him a little. Not really defended but at least asked the women to stop washing their dirty laundry in public. Its a simple thing. I have met AB. She is bloody sweet and I respect her belief in love and passion for it but I am sorry, I am not a very big fan of women letting go off their dignity. If a woman thinks a man is an Asshole and does not deserve your love, then he does not deserve your wrath too because men find guilt in a woman's silence not in her blabbering to the world about his character. If a woman respects herself, she does not have to shut up and cry about it but be bloody strong and have the balls to not howl and cry to the world. I am sorry, that is not how you guard your self respect which a man had already shaken when you fell for him. Unfortunately they did and why did I speak for him? Because as a friend, I thought I must. Yes, just as a friend.
I know exactly the conversations he must have had with these women. So much so i can quote him. But neah, not a feeling felt, not a drop of jealousy, not an inch of pain or betrayal. I knew he is a Flirt all along. I knew what he meant and how much of it when he said whatever he did. Whether him wanting to cuddle up in the middle of a night or wanting to ball dance to Beethoven. He did mean it all, but only momentarily. I knew that. They didn't. Unfortunate for CT that he had to go through such public humiliation. He did mess with the wrong women and I texted him along with a friend assuring him he was a nice guy, no matter what. He is a friend. The Love, the pain was gone, like it never existed. Like our togetherness never existed. Ofcourse he did not reply to that either. He is coming back to town in a few days. Do not know if we will meet. Do not know if we will ever know or see each other again. Its a chapter that does not know its end.
The Walk on the Wild Side has just begun!
Regular weekends include K and I getting stoned and listening to crazy music. One of such weekends fell right after CT left and TC comes back. We had been in touch off and on trying to figure when is a good time for him to come over and that day I just let him. K, he and I chilled until we went to my room and finished what was meant to. Just when we finished and we were trying to catch our breath, the door bell started ringing like crazy. It was 2:30 in the night. It was scary cause the bell would not stop ringing, I rush and open the door and what do I see? FUCKING V was standing outside my door, drunk.
"WTF are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. Do not want to sleep alone."
"But I have friends over."
"So, we will sleep in your room."
"V! This is crazy."
"I know but keep me with you, please."
"V, I have friends."
After trying to put some sense in his head for 15 minutes outside my door, I took him to the other room and asked him to stay there till i came. In the meanwhile I went back to my room, told TC a friend came over and TC said he will leave, and so he did. K was in the drawing room, confused. Yes, I was too. All my buzz was gone in that time. Went back to V, we cuddled, we made out until the bell began ringing again like crazy. This time it was my flatmate, who came home pissed drunk. I wanted to kill myself at that moment. So much panic. So much drama. This was out of a fucking film, I warned ya. I make V put his clothes back on and took him into my now empty room. Thankfully he was too drunk to realize there were no friends in my room now, like I had told him just a few minutes back. Flatmate, drunk and confused. I tucked V in the bed and went out to take care of a drunk Flatmate who had to leave the house in 15 minutes again to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. Hydrated her, got her into her senses and put her in her car. Both of us giggling like girls with no idea how to react on what was happening.
Once she left, I went back to V. We had unexpected sex. It was just about cuddling, right? He freaked me out by saying 'I Love you' during the act too many times. Did not let him finish and put him back to sleep. Woke up, and the regular tea and music followed V, K and me. V finally after spending a long time in the morning and few short making out sessions, left for home.
I just wanted to get comfortable, hug my best friend, K and sleep. K and I, both had not slept all night. My head was hurting with so much panic and so much sex till I finally slept in the afternoon the next day. Within two hours, I had had sex twice with two different men that night. It sounds pretty whore-ish but it did not feel that way at all. And now I wonder, where is the bloody conscience? Where are the bloody feelings? Blowing away with every smoke circle? Drowning with every gulp of rum? Where was CT? I want to hold him and sleep. Sing for me, while I sleep?
Love 'n' Peace.
Hugs.
Kisses.
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Working on Something New
9 months ago
