Stop Fucking with My Head!

Can not get myself to write this post for reasons I may know or may not. I guess I do. Yet I will.

As I listen to 'Hey ya' from Karthik Calling Karthik for the nth time today, I am writing something which I seem to be making a big deal of in my head for the past few days, maybe even weeks. Right or Wrong? Needed or Not? Over Reacting or Important? Just can not figure this out.

Why is it that when relationships are not perfect yet we choose to stay in them. Is it because we are hoping against hopes or because we just want to be in that relationship? What if this case is slightly different. Everything is perfect but you may not want that relationship? Maybe it is not about the partner but you.

Everything IS perfect between me and G. The relationship. The understanding. The conversations. The love. The commitment. The loyalty. The friendship. The trust. The sex. Just everything so perfect. I have not fallen out of Love with him either yet....

We have spoken, rather I have spoken of going on a break several times and tried too. The break would end before it commences. I love to have him in my life. But I do not want a relationship in my life right now, maybe. It is a big thing that I am saying right now. I have no idea what are going to be the repercussions of this. I may get all depressed after actualising my decision or may get really happy. Can not figure that out. When in deep thought, I do think I really want to be single but as time passes in that thought I feel I am happy in the relationship, nothing is wrong then why get out of it? What I want and What I have is just so messed up. I want no relationship but I have a relationship which is just so smooth, there is by God's grace just NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING wrong with it. What do I do in such a situation?

Maybe I know what I want but I stop myself thinking that it would sound just so stupid and I would end up hurting somebody I really Love. And that is something I do not want to do. I Love him still. Like hell and Like loads. Just because it is great, does that mean I should continue when I do not want to? I feel like having no relationship. Just be single.

It may not be this relationship but I feel tied down inside. And that is the reason why I am letting go of everything in my life, including this relationship. I have a feeling or maybe it is some psychological shit that I will feel freer when out of this relationship. I hate to feel this way, specially because to a great extent this relationship has helped me reach where I am. It has given me the confidence, support and encouragement that I needed desperately.

I guess I am clear, I hate to let him go. I will feel a great void in my life but I need to do this to myself. This is superly selfish but I am sorry G, I know you understand when I say I need to do this for myself. If we do not remain friends, it will be difficult for me to survive because I can not live without you in my life. It is just the whole 'relationship' thing that I do not want. You have been a great Boyfriend. Someone who would be great to introduce to your folks and then spend an entire lifetime cracking stupid jokes, actually good ones. Watch great shows and movies together. See more places, like we have done in the past. Have great sex all the time. Understand each other's professional and personal space just so frigging well. Get used to each other. But I just feel the need to turn onto a new leaf in life. You have always always been there to take care of me. Hear my smallest and stupidest of things. I am feeling stupid to have written all of this. But writing this was important. I would never be able to come to a conclusion if I did not write this. Having said this, I realize, NO. Writing this was not a good idea after all, I feel confused all over again.

:|

When will I DECIDE?

When I try clearing the confusion, I feel I should give up the relationship and start a beautiful life with myself, which I need to. And just when I am finalizing my decision I feel stupid about it and want to stay in the relationship, which makes me think about the relationship all over again, followed by the confusion and tadah! Here I am trapped in this vicious circle.

Argh.

I need to talk to G about this. Should I?

Kisses.

Gifted

"Can you all please shut up?", she screamed.
But we continued laughing.
In the midst of hysterical laughter on a lazy afternoon, another one interrupted.
"Don't you guys get it? She is with SH right now in the other room."
Apparently she was the only one who heard the entire screaming and understood what the screaming was for.
And the ignorant added, "So, what if she is with him in the other room?"
"His mother expired."
"Oh! I did not know that."
The funny one found this amusing,"Its okay man. If she is consoling him in the other room what has that got to do with what is happening in this room? And why are you guys reacting like this?"
"Because my parents are dead and I DO tend to get hyper on such things."

The room was filled with silence. The gloominess from the next room had travelled to this one.

An hour later, I see my mother's missed call.
"Listen! I have to choose 'Savings Bank' at the ATM na? And then?"
Despite having told her a billion times and she herself having it done some three-four times, her doubts surrounding technology will never die.
"Yes mom. And then your PIN and then the amount. Okay?"
"Okay. I am going to the ATM, if I have any problem out there. I will call you."
"Yes mom."
"And oh, please! Tomorrow is Solar Eclipse. Be careful. Do not touch any metals. Do not eat between 11:30 am till 3:30 pm. You can have fruits but no cooked food. Also do not eat...."
I was just too happy hearing her and feeling good about having a mother who maybe physically away, still is extremely concerned about even the smallest of things, to know what she continued warning for the next five minutes. Of course the smile on my face was also because of the funny situation where I am teaching her simple technology and she is talking me into myths.

Whenever I sit down to thank God. I have always and will continue to thank him the most for the people in my life. My parents, my friends, G and the people I am surrounded with for several reasons. But today was only more special. I feared losing them. My mom always told me to think of 'Death' everyday because according to her it makes the biggest loss a human being can face, just easier. Since then, I have tried facing and accepting death everyday. But I can not accept the hollowness that will come after that. I depend on her for so much more than emotional and worldly needs.

The relationship between a child and a parent is truly God's greatest gift. He may never ever never ever never ever make any child let go off the most beautiful thing that He himself ever created.

I have hardly stayed with my father all through my life and I always complained to God about it but it is only today that I can not stop thanking Him for he has at least given me a father who cares and is always there for me. He, who can show his love, even if it means virtually.

I am gifted. Gifted with the best gift, Mom and Papa. Today, I thank God for my biggest gift, strength, something that really is 'FOREVER N EVER N EVER'.

Who says Love dies?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

YAWN!

The phone rang.

"Sorry."

"You know Nate's phone rang and so did mine. I knew it. We are connected. Maybe I should marry him."
"Mate?"
"Nate!"
"What are you saying?"
"I am talking of Nate. Nate from Six Feet Under!"
"Oh! Nate..!"
"Yes, I know my blocked nose and fucked up throat makes everything sound so differ ant."
"Yes. It does."
"What do you think? Should I marry Nate? I wish I could marry that cute gay too. Darn! Why did he have to be gay?"
"WHAT are you saying?"
"Yes! I have been dreaming of this cute gay guy for the past three days. I met him months back and when I spoke to this friend of mine some three days back, she told me he was asking for my number."
"L! I can not understand you."
"Oh! Come on! He is really cute. I just want him to turn heterosexual for me."
"I am not jealous L, if you think."
"Of course you are not. You are not that type."
Why are you not, G? :(
"Just let me know when you want to break up with me, so that i am mentally prepared."
"Oh! Don't you worry that I would."
"Hmmm."
"So.....?"
"So what?"
"So, how was your day?"
"My day..... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...."
YAWN!
"...And then there is this match tomorrow between XYZ and JKL..."
YAWN "Yes..."
"And you of course do not know what I am talking about."
"No. But then you are talking and that is nice."
"Yeah." Given up.
"So what are you wearing?"
"How does that matter?"
"No. It does not."
"Of course it does not."
"Yes. No matter how much you may like me pouncing on you, it does not matter."
"Not like you are in the mood."
"Yes I am not but you can answer me."
"Not all questions are meant to be answered."
"Okay. I shall go and sleep now."
"Did you practice this conversation?"
"No. I do not practice any of my conversations. Why?"
Because you always sound so mechanical.
"No. Just generally."
"Oh! So you wanted to sound all hep."
"What is so hep about this?"
"I do not know. Why are you talking like this?"
"No. Just asked. Anyway, so you must be tired. Go to sleep."
"Do not make it sound like it is my fault."
"Well I am not. I mean it. Go. Sleep."
"I have had a tiring day."
"I understand and that is why I am saying Go and Sleep."
"But you are making me feel guilty about wanting to sleep."
"No. I do not mean it that way. I am serious. Go. Sleep."
"What are you wearing?"
"I do not know."
"This is the lamest anybody can get. 'I do not know' is the stupidest answer to any question."
"Hmmm."
"Okay. Good Night."
"Good Night. Sleep Well."

Phew.

This was one of our longer conversations. Lately, by which I mean some three-four months, we have just been talking too little and for some strange reason, neither of us feel the need to talk more. Ages, since we had a conversation. A random one or even a serious one. I guess we are bored.

And that to be honest is O.K.A.Y. Every relationship hits a high point, a low point and a bore point. It is bound to come when you love someone so much and know just about everything. You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing. You know what facial expression is going to follow after that sentence, and even complete their verbal reactions to it. They become predictable. Hence, boring.

It is rather hard to love immensely and hold interest, both, at the same time. We humans are a little too restless to handle both. I for one, definitely am.

"I am really pissed off."
"Okay. Then listen to the latest news."
"What?"
"I think I want to break up with G."
"What? Why?"
"Because I am bored."
"How boring is that."
"What?"
"You want to break up with him because you are bored in your relationship?"
"Yes. I need something more exciting. Something that is happening. There is just nothing happening in our relationship. We wake up. Walk our ways to office. Maybe talk for a minute or two again in the evening, only to say 'lets talk later' and then 'Good Night' around 11-12. It is so fucking mechanical. It is so routined. And I hate it."
"At least have an exciting reason to break up. Cheat on him!"
"You know I can not do that."
"Because you love him."
"YES!"
"Then why do you want to break up?"
"Because I am bored."
"Well, then make up a story of cheating on him."
"Hah. Like that is going to work. He will never believe me. He KNOWS me."
"Come on. He has a cock. He will get jealous."
"Well, there you go. One of the biggest advantages of having a fat girlfriend is being free of insecurities."
"That is not true."
"I know my fucking boyfriend and he knows me too. And THAT is our fucking problem."
"Well.... At least have an exciting break up."
"Exciting like what? Go. See him. Fuck him. And then break up with him."
"Yeah. That sounds fun."
"Do you realize I am in love with this guy?"
"Then do not break up."
"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am bloody bored."
"And you guys do not even fight."
"Exactly."
"Lets go out this weekend."
"I am desperate. I need a vacation so bad."
"Lets seriously plan this tomorrow when we meet."
"Totally. I need to get away from allot of things."

Now, I know what a want. The reason why I burst into tears the other day in front of everyone without any reason or even an obvious emotional trigger, shocking the living daylights of all the people around me was clear. The reason why G has been lately scared of what I say, how I say it and what I exactly mean is clear. The reason why I want to break up is clear. The reason for my mood swings is clear.

I am plain unhappy with myself. I am not a mechanical person, but I am living a mechanical life. I am used to of doing what I want to. I am living the dream I always envisioned but did not see it as robotic, which is how it has become. I have no time for myself. For my expression. To stop. To feel. To realize. To feel free. To feel me.

I need some time off. I need a BREAK, sans the 'up'. And a good conversation with G. A random one. Not a practiced and planned one.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Honor-esty!

"So he slept in the Drawing Room", in the most expectant voice.
"Well... No. The first day we were all watching movies in my flat mate's room, so we slept there..."
"And the next day in the Drawing Room?", now her voice getting firm.
"No. In my room. On the Floor mattress." Both being a lie. We slept on my bed after exhaustive sex for those two days.

She decided to hang up on hearing my last line and not talk.

What is with Honesty, after all? Is it difficult because it is hard to admit or is it harder to accept? Maybe both. The fact that it is so hard for others to accept that others find it difficult to admit. Probably that is the reason why most of the honest people nowadays are considered 'blunt' and sometimes even 'ill-behaved' because they do not care whether you accept it or not.

For me, honesty has always been a matter of Self Honor. Be proud of what you have done else do not do it. This being the reason why I have never believed in lying except for times when I know it would hurt my mother or my sister. Also, I know I would want to tell them as soon as possible, at the closest right time.

So, this time, there were no secrets. G was coming for the weekend. He was staying with me. He is my boyfriend, everyone knows from day one, anyway. But, my sister thinks it is difficult for a couple to stay in one room and not get physical. And that is precisely what got her upset. Despite her long lectures and explanations about how G and I should not sleep in one room because 'it is different when your friends sleep with you and when your boyfriend does', he did sleep in my room and I did not lie.

The funny thing is, I hid my previous trips to G from them. My virginity is a secret and shall remain for some time. My mother hopes I will break up with G and ultimately marry a nice Muslim boy of her choice. What the truth is is still hidden.

Am I completely being honest? Do I have the balls to face the repercussions of these truths? Is this a question to my personal principles or am I exaggerating?

What makes people uncomfortable with letting out truth at any point of time to anybody, is that you will not be comfortable taking it in. Honesty, in actuality is as easy as you make it. But then how far does comfort decide the extent of honesty? I may let out all that I want to on this Blog, yet my identity remains in the dark and I am not even comfortable letting it out.

Funny how honesty plays around with you making you look like a big jerk in any situation, whether it is where you are lying or one where you are 'blunt' or just calculating how much is to be let out. Honesty is a bitch! And Honor? Fuck it!

P.S. - This had to be a post about G and his beautiful short trip to see me, but unfortunately things do not go the way you plan them. Sometimes you are thinking of something and something else would fuck up your mind to the extent of overtaking your original emotions that were meant to be expressed.

Con-NEcT-ed

It was time. It was past eleven. My play list was set. I had my Beer Mug in hand. The froth of my Cold Coffee looked tempting, as always. Only this midnight, it was going to be a Banana Shake and not the usual Cold Coffee.

G: whers ur cold coffee?
me: on a banana diet today
so only milk n banana for 2 days
G: r u like a diet conscious person?
me: noh.. i need to lose weight cos im genuinely over weight!
im not d 'oh my god... my weight!!!' kindda chic
G: u dnt look overweight
me: but i am.... :)
G: didnt gt ur last msg
me: but i am ovr weight.. :)
G: women think even 50 kgs is overweight
me: and im not evn close to it!!
:P
G: below or above?
me: i definitely dont look mal nourished do i??
G: no, bt u look 55, nt more than that, atleast from wat i can see
me: i love 'half' pictures :)
G: lol ok
me: :)
d secret remains... :)

*************************************************************************************

M: can i ask u something
something tells me
or i have a strong gut instinct
that u are quite tall
me: LOL.
You have funny instincts. :P
M: cos its true
and i totally love
tall fair girls
with long hair
hahahaa
:)
me: What if I have none of these attributes?
M: i still love u
:)
as my luscious
its who u are that matters
the amazing person inside person
the person inside u that attracted me
nt ur looks
u can be a waitress or the princess of london
yet u'll always be ma girl
me: It really sounds better in books.
M: no babes
trust a guy when he says this
me: 'trust a guy'
Ok.
And why so?
M: :)
cos u will always know when a guy says these things
u dont need to trust him
when he says
ur bful
or ur wonderful etc
it mite simply mean
u have big boobs and i wanna sleep with u
but
when he says
i dont care who u are
but i'll still love u
it means he really means it
and he cares abt u
so trust a guy when he says this
lol

*************************************************************************************

G and I chatted every night and in no time were the 'most beautiful people' in each others lives with he having seen my 'deceptive half picture' and me having my own idea of his height weight looks. But we knew we had something.

*************************************************************************************

After a continued long discussion on Internet relationships with M, a fellow Blogger.

M: wait
so where does all the " knowing him so well" go ?
rite
can u really tell
me: It takes a life and yet you will nvr knoe everything abou a prson
It is just about being comfortable, that is it.
M: exactly
absolutely
bang on target
being comfortable
being urself near him
u dont need to know him
if ur like that
u mite as well as teach him a few moves
to satisfy u physically or emotionally, if needed ;)
u wont feel hesitant
cos ur so much urself and comfortable with him
me: True but it depends on an individual how do they work on their relationships.
M: yea... :)

*************************************************************************************

Though G may have thought, 'Oh Fuck! She looks bloody overweight', when he first saw me. The point is WE are Con-NEcT-ed. And that is the something we have. And that is what works for us.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Break Point

"Where are you?"
"Right there. On the stairs."
"I do not see you. Okay, I think I can see you..."
They saw each other, smiled and put their cellphones back.
"Hi L!", extending his hand.
"Hello!", as my chirpy self and we shook hands like two clients meeting for
the first time to discuss a grand marketing deal. Not like we were any better. We were ex lovers meeting for the first time.

"Shit! I can not believe I am sitting here with you."
I smiled thinking he was over reacting.
He gave that look again.
"Relax S! Do you want me to pinch you?"
"Wow!"
Okay! So, I was really in a relationship with HIM!
"So, How are you?"
"I am ecstatic. I am sitting with you here. What do you expect?"
Wow! So, someone could be that excited to see me that his ear to ear smile would not compress? Alright! He was always 'too into me'. And that was precisely the reason that drew me away from him.
"What will you have?"
"Coffee?"
"WHAT!? We meet for the first time and you want to have just coffee? You will have to eat something."
Phew! I am so happy this is not a date.
"I really do not want to. You order what you want to have."
"I did not have lunch thinking we will have it together."
"It is 16:30."
"So?"
"Umm. Okay. Lets order."
We take some 10 minutes to decide what counter to go to at the Food Court. And finally when he gets into a line.
"Will you have x?"
"No, thank you S."
"Okay. Will you have y?"
"No S."
"Z?"
"S!",giving him one of those stern GrandMa looks.
"No. This is not fair. You will have to eat something.", dancing like a stubborn kid who wants that toy else he will sit right there on the floor and cry for it.
Helplessly,"S!"
He tries one of the most pathetic puppy dog faces I have ever seen.
"Ice Cream! And that is it!"
He finally ordered. Phew! It was a task, I swear!
We sat on our table and once again came that look. Someone slap me for coming here!
"This is for you.", sliding a small packet with a card towards me.
"What is it?"
"A present for you."
"Why?" Do we women love this or what.
"Just like that."
"No S. I am sorry. I can not accept it."
"Look at it first at least. It is nothing great." WHAT!? TAKE IT AWAY RIGHT NOW!
"No S." Has any woman accepted a gift willingly no matter how desperately she wants it? Acting pricey comes naturally, like breasts.
After 5-10 minutes of being a typical woman, he takes the gift. WTF! I knew I was overdoing it. Darn!
He opened it himself and took out a shining Gold bracelet. Fuck!
"No way. I just can not accept this."
And he tries to push it on my wrist.
"S... S..." Looking at it more carefully, Oh! What was he thinking? It would have looked better in Silver.
"S... I really can not take this."
"Now, stop all this. This is not even expensive if you are thinking that." Err... Okay.
"S... Please. This is not needed."
"This is not even real." Whoa! O-K-A-Y. You do not really talk about your own gifts like that. Do you?
"S!"
And he almost started dancing in the same way sitting on his chair.
"Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. It is beautiful." Argh. How much do I hate formalities. They only teach you how to lie.
And the food came.
And he started to feed me his food. Alright, now this is too much embarrassment for me to take in one day. Thank goodness I was in a different country which I would not return to for long, at least, if not never.
"So, how is F?"
"Oh! She is good."
"Why didn't you bring her? I would have loved to meet her."
"She is out of town."
"Okay."
Changing the topic, "You are very bad, L. You are meeting me today when you are leaving tomorrow. Get your ticket cancelled."
"I can not. I have work."
"This is very unfair."
"I am sorry but I was here for a very short while, anyway. Yet I managed to call and meet."
He was about to start his whining and dancing when I interrupted, "So, How are things between you and F?"
"Not great. We are having too many fights. It is getting difficult."
"Marriage?"
"I do not know."
"What do you mean, you do not know? What about your parents?"
"What? What about them?"
"It is an arranged thing, no?"
"No."
"No? Then what was that long story about your mom seeing F in some gathering and fixing you up with her?"
"She was interning at my office."
"O-K-A-Y." What a Bastard! I always knew he lied to me, and that innocent face! He deserved what I gave him then. Huh.
He went on with his entire love story, "But it does not seem to be working out."
"Relax. Fights happen. It will work out. She sounds like a nice girl and you are a nice guy too. You both will make it happen." He actually aint that bad as a person.
"You think I am a nice guy?"
"Yes. I am sure."
"Thet n why did you leave me the way you did?"
"Look, that was a sort of a mistake. I was not too sure. I just did not know where this was going."
"We were together for four years. We had so much between us and you thought it was going nowhere? What did I not give you? What was missing, after all?"
Oops. Wrong topic. Someone save me! But honestly, I really wanted this to get cleared between us. Probably this was my main motive to meet him. To get it cleared once and for all, face-to-face.
"Nothing. You were very nice to me. You loved me allot."
"Exactly. Yet?"
"Look, I did not see this working out sitting in two different countries, chatting all our lives. And then I had different priorities."
"I told you I will let you do what you want to."
"It is easier said than done, S."
"L, if you tried and if you loved me enough, this would have worked."
"You think I did not try? Every time I was confused about our relationship and wanted to break up. I'd come back running to you, making efforts to make it work. We had everything. Everything was perfect."
Holding my arm tight in anger, "Then what? What was wrong?" I thought I would never be able to answer him that question until this moment in our conversation. I could have easily screamed G's name then. I had skipped too many heartbeats, scared of the man sitting opposite to me, now.
I was taken aback with his physical reaction or rather taken into that I had no reaction of my own.
"Look, you have no reason. You did not treat me right."
"I am sorry for what I did. I know I should have not run away from the relationship the way I did."
"If you would have talked to me, would I not understand? I always did, didn't I? Why did you have to cut all modes of interaction. Not replying to my mails, calls, pings, SMSs, nothing, whatsoever."
"Look, I am sorry. It was a naive move. I should not have done it. I should have spoken to you. You understand me really well. In fact, I still thing, no one understands me the way you do."
"Do you regret your decision?"
"Yes."
"Good. You better."
"I am sorry. Please. Really.", almost about to cry out of desperation. Desperate to get done with this situation, not to seek forgiveness.
"Would you marry me if things do not work out with F?"
"Ok, So I am your back up now?"
"No. You were my woman. The woman I wanted to live my entire life with, but you also happened to be the woman who hurt me the most, who betrayed me."
"S..."
"Anyway... Would you?"
"What about G, then?"
"Oh! Yeah, I forgot.", giving a disgusted look, he turned his face away.
"Lets see... Could I fit you....", smiling.
"Why would there be a place for me?"
"If things do not work out with G and if you are able to convince my parents, then maybe."
"Really?"
I nod.
"I'd do anything to be with you. To keep you happy. To..." Uh Oh! Wrong topic, again.
I smile, "Fine. When the situation arises then we would talk about it. And just in case it does not, we will have an extra marital. Deal?"
"No ya. F is a nice girl. I do not want to cheat on her."
Okay. So you think you are one Greek God who deserves to cut the cake, have it and save some in the fridge for the next day too.
"Alright. Enough of good talks and bad talks. We should leave."
"We just met."
"Its been over two hours. Someone is coming to meet me. I have to go."
"This is not fair. Give me your ticket. I am getting it cancelled."
"S. Stop acting like this. At least we met. Something we thought would never happen."
"I did not. You did."
"Fine. I did.."
"And that is why you left me."
"S..."
"Fine. I do not want us remembering our meeting with these conversations."
"Exactly. Now, shall we leave?"
We rise to leave, "L?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I please hug you?"
"Ofcourse."
It was our first hug. I contemplated kissing on his cheek, but did not. Just didn't.

I have not been happier of a decision in my life. Breaking up with him after a long 'why do I want to break up' discussion never worked. I always cried and ran back to him within minutes with virtual Yahoo! hugs and kisses. I really was attached to him. He treated me like a Princess. He still would. He just knew how to treat his Lady Love like a Queen and spoil her till she started dancing like him. But this was not going to work for me in the future. I had known this for long. I knew he wanted an early marriage. I did not even know if I wanted one. He was in one country and I in another. We could meet or even make it work without meeting, but would that give me personal satisfaction? It was not working for me. It was not going to work for us. I knew it. And I had to stop wasting my time in such a relationship.

Why hold onto something that would give me nothing but would take allot from me and the other person? I had to stop this and I did. I blocked him from my life, mind, heart, which was not easy but blocking him on the Internet and ignoring his calls and SMSs made it easier. And with time it faded until I realized this was not a mature way to go about it or maybe when I felt emotionally stronger to face him again, only to find out his marriage is fixed with F. I cried to just get the shock out of my system.

My friend once said, "L, you think you will walk up to him after a year and he would still be there for you?" I fought over confidently. I knew he would. He was the sorts. Apparently, he was not. I did not feel a deep loss, just a bolt to my humongous ego. That is it.

Because this, undoubtedly, was so far the best decision I had ever taken for myself. The second was G. I am happier in life. I know what I am doing. And doing it effortlessly. Loving every bit of it.

Sorry S, I lied. I do not regret. WTF!? Did I really say 'yes' to him on that? Fuck Fuck Fuck! SLAP SLAP SLAP!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Killer!

"I Love you and that too loads. (Please do not freak out, just having one of those I-Love-you-so-much days :P)" Message succesfully sent to G.

"Oh, you know I tried fighting with him yesterday, acting all pricey and he was shooo shweet. He kept calling back. Kept asking what happened. Was so concerned..."

"That is because you still have not crossed 6 months."

"I was talking to him in monosyllables. He asked me 'you do not want to talk?' And I said 'No', so he kept 'I Love you-ing' me."

The elder one jumped, "My guy! If I say No, he would say 'OK'."

"Better still, my guy would say a 'Hurray!' before the Bye, if I said 'No' to talking to him, with a little 'Thank you' too."

"Aww. Cho mean!"

There was a time when we were thick. Maybe we still are, somewhere. My two cousins still consider me extremely close to them but I seem to be moving away.

It is not just them. It is everybody. Maybe my blog too. I guess, living alone does not suit me. It kills me, professionally and personally, both. I hardly find people nice. I seem to have a problem with each one of them. And more so, cause I think they have a problem with me.

Trying hard to break free. Wake up with an attitude to kill, but once I am out of the house, I realize I left my sword behind. Have nothing to fight with.

Every single thing said by every single person irritates me. I want to shut myself in and yet be out fighting it. Because I do not like it. I do not want it.

No idea whether I am sinking or just floating in the middle of a deep blue sea.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.