The Dangers of Sexy.

"You will have to make do with just one man for the rest of your life."
"How about I break up with you and sleep with some men and then come back to you for the rest of my life?"
"Why would you do that?"
"Cause I should sleep with at least 2-3 more men no? Can't have just 'slept with one guy my entire life' tag."
"Right! How many do you think is ideal for you?"
"Mmm... I guess 2 more and that's it."

Today, I am sitting at 20 or maybe more since G and I had this conversation during our dating time.

In these 6, or is it 7? years, I have been in love, lust, anger, depression. Been hopeless and hung onto what I every time thought was the last string of hope in the matters of the heart. But today, I am writing after years out of responsibility. My responsibility towards everybody who has been privy to my anonymous love and mostly, sex life.

"Yeah, she has not been too well."
"Oh!"
Both, behaving and avoiding the 'conversation' because we thought the other did not know about SE's STIs which she was taking a treatment for.

SE is a powerhouse woman. The kind you meet and feel is too much for a man. And she was. But, she was also stupid and careless in a way. Like a lot of us, she preferred the pleasures of simplicity than precaution.

Gradually, as she came to terms with her illness, treatment and regular life (this time it was sexless), she urged each one of her girlfriends to get HPV vaccinations immediately.

"LSL, please get your viral markers. Such things are real and they happen to real people."
"But I just got myself tested 6 months back and I was clear. It's just an overflow of discharge. And it's probably because of stress, or because I just finished my vaccination...", I struggled with excuses to my gynecologist.

It's probably just another case of Vaginitis which is common among sexually active women, and can actually be cause without having anything to do with sex or even be caused by a STI. I currently do not know.

The first time I had Vaginitis, my doctor called it "pH imbalance" which happens when you travel and/or when you are with a new partner. Imagine your vagina like an introvert's mind. It goes haywire, and becomes uneasy and restless when it interacts with something new. Just two unprotected strokes, and my vagina's pH level got confused. In my friend's words, "Vaginas need time to get accustomed to new partners. They interact with them a few times and your pH levels come back to normal. But if they interact with too many new ones. They freeze like a middle aged woman in shock, and can not fight back to protect you well."

The second time, which is now, and here, I am presuming (so is the doc) that it is Vaginitis, is again another case of unprotected SINGLE stroke. Yes! SINGLE STROKE. Now, most of you are thinking that single unprotected strokes or unprotected oral sex is alright. If you have not understood yet, NO! IT IS NOT ALRIGHT! IT MAKES ALL THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE. You push in once or you go all the way nude, your penis and your vagina are quick to catch onto skin-to-skin infections and diseases.

"Have you had more than 5 partners?"
"Yes."
"Well, if you want, I'll check you for HPV but chances are you already got it. Women over 25 with over 5 partners run highest risk with most cases resulting in positive."

And that's it, I turned into the holiest Indian woman on this planet, praying to every god on this holy motherland of ours. It worked.

To my relief and my doctor's disbelief, I was a negative. However, the vaccination happened over a period of 6 months and I was still at risk of the side effects of the vaccine as well as other HPV infections which the vaccine did not protect you against. But, I felt more confident and protected than before until today, when I have been told to get myself tested again. I am hoping and praying again that this may not be a stroke of bad luck. Till, I find my results and use the time in buying coconuts and ringing bells, you should go fix an appointment.

The chances of catching sexually transmitted infections (and not every infection if a fatal HIV, there are many and curable too) are higher than truly satisfying a woman.

P.S. - I pray to you, please get yourself checked from time to time. Women, please get regular pap smears, get your vaccination and stay safe everyone. And doctors, please make sure you are making your patients feel comfortable rather than putting them on a cultural guilt trip. No one is going to stop having sex, but you could help creating a healthier country (which by the way is what you are supposed to do and not assume that if my friend is unmarried, she is a virgin).

Love n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

LSL

Love Sick

It's been four years now to my break up with G and I have been single ever since. Of course, I went on some dates and explored more dicks. Also, fell in love and got my heart broken. And after all these years of madness, I had to put a conscious stop to it all. Where was it all taking me? Where did I want to go, anyway? Sometimes, I wanted the attention, sometimes the sex and sometimes I thought to myself, 'Maybe I need to lower my standards to get into a relationship' despite being fully aware of how I would not genuinely love the person even if I did.

In the last one year and a half, I have moved from one country to another and now a new one, rising up in my career yet not completely satisfied. Lets not miss the point where I have regrown my virginity by keeping my legs together for over two years. I will not say that the last few posts which were depressing as fuck and only asked questions no one ever has answers to are too, different from my current state yet I'd say I am a new person. Why same and why different? Same for questions still exist sometimes, different because, I am finally at peace.

As much as I may have dished out your advices on How badly I should move out of the place that was making me the way that it was, turns out you guys were fuckin' right about it mate! BUT foremost, it takes will to want to change things, sometimes you have to force yourself and work hard on it too. Nothing in life ever comes easy. Turning tables in your life definitely never does. 'Time to change the playlist, DJ!', thats what I said to myself and that's how I turned tables, no heads.

During my Rock n' Rolla life of Sex, Drugs and Alcohol, I sort of got used to a certain amount of attention. Mostly sexual, but so what? And here I was in a country, where I was happy not getting attention. I met a few boys, some decent, some intelligent and some self made rich young men too. And these were all men my parents directly or slyly introduced me to for TADAH! SURPRISE SURPRISE! Kill me! BUT to be a little fair, these men were nice. (Ahem! Maybe my parents have better taste than I do.) Why did nothing work out? Well, because I never allowed them to formally take it forward with the cliche 'I am not ready for marriage' excuse. It's only now I have begun to feel ready for a relationship (which is different from wanting to be married.) Not just ready but I genuinely would like to be in one now.

This is not a sign of desperation but being aware of yourself. Some are compulsive relationship freaks, some are Forever Alones and some are ready for it. I am ready for it. Which means I feel I can finally love and care back which was not the case before. Earlier what I wanted was, the attention. And that my friends, is a big difference in how your relationship is going to be. Of course, attention is important in a relationship but should never be your reason to get into a relationship. Disaster! Now, that maturity has taken over, I feel more confident about it. And no, another series of one night stands is not the answer. Not interested! Funny discovery of self in fact tells me I even suck at flirting. I realized a pattern where if a guy shows interest in me, I immediately curl into a shell. I become scared and rude which of course ends in him dating someone else then. I maybe confident in wanting to date and having overcome all that has happened in my past but despite gaining wisdom and peace with self, there are little tiny drops of insecurity which have not been wiped off. I am working on it but it's like a minor attack of paranoia hits me every time I see myself with a man. He is not interested in me. He just wants to fuck. He does not think I am pretty. He thinks I am a dumbfuck. He thinks I am showing too much interest. He thinks I am desperate. He is a flirt. He is like this with every girl. Oh no! This is just a friendly polite conversation. He has no option that's why me! And some more. So, while I am jogging through these various possibilities of how the man is not interested me, I have genuinely dished the man out even when I am consciously trying to flirt back. Clearly, I do not know how to flirt. I suck at it! And I definitely suck at taking things forward, instead I run away. Thanks to the above mentioned insecurities that I am still struggling with. Do you see how hard my life is now? God damn it! I struggle with flirting as well as getting rid of my insecurities, both at the same fucking time! And somewhere in the middle of it, I am trying to have a conversation with this guy too. Applaud for my terrible multi tasking skills please.

And to make matters worse, friends are ofcourse getting married, parents want you married, the unmarried ones are planning their marriages and those who are not planning their marriages are steady in their fucking relationships. Awesome! I have spent my prime years in fucking men I have no wish seeing again and then discovering my real self, my soul. Turns out, I am quite average (maybe even below average), contrary to the years of Diva image I had of myself in my head.Yet, I prefer the life I have lived than the average life that many have lived or are living. I am an average person for sure but not one with an average life. Do you ever see how everything leads to another? Have you ever seen the dominoes roll in your life? I sat and saw it all, and when you see it, you smile. Your peace is sitting in the middle of the thousands of dominoes falling on each other. The moment it pops out, you have attained a little bit of wisdom. And I would never trade anything ever for this poetic life of mine.

I am in one of my most happy phases. I have not just realized things about self but also about my relationships with friends and family. Who do you want to keep and who you do not? Even if it is your best friend for over a decade who has hurt you with her words and action and used you financially and harmed you emotionally, no amount of love and years of togetherness can justify it. Some relationships come with unbreakable rules. And you may for years defend it to yourself and others, the day you see that domino roll, you see some relationships falling with it. Yet, you sit there and smile. Relieved. Wiser. Happier. Peaceful.

You let some go. You let some stay. And you invite some new. I am hoping to find someone I can share a relationship, a friendship and love and care with. Not just my bed for a few hours, anymore. I am a sorted regrown virgin. Amen to this new self, I say!

Love n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

LSL

Last candy in a trapped Jar

Ever stared at a big jar with a tiny piece of your favorite fruit or pickle or just that last piece of candy trapped in it?

Life is like playing your old playlist from the desktop you left at home years ago. Now, left unused or for parents to skype with you when you are not getting drunk and bored on a table full of lifeless souls and useless chitter chatter, hoping to get laid or just hammered enough to sleep deep. Life, yes, is like that old playlist. Unpredictable. But it is still all that you wanted, once at least in your life. Now, liking Nirvana maybe too 17 for you and finding some old Aishwarya Rai song, blasphemous. It makes you think what were you thinking when you added that to your playlist and probably heard on repeat then. Look around and you may just find a cassette of an Indian pop artist who lasted only as long as his first and only hit in those old boxes.

Such is life! You will question what you did yesterday, crib about today and worry about the tomorrow. At all states, feeling unhappy, feeling lost. Lost in the process of finding ourselves. And there in the background, your life is getting duller by the day and you are getting trapped in the social expectations of this world. Life, my friend, is sitting with a box of strawberries. Some will be sour. And that playlist in the background, surprising. Unpredictable. Yet, familiar.

Today, I have been jobless for three months now. It took one small health condition to reach to a whole new me. Let me put it how K (my childhood best friend and soul mate) put my impulse down for me,

"Have you ever realized how each person is significant  to another's life?"
Such random questions about Life, Human behavior and Happiness had stopped surprising me. Her drug intake had me seeing the brighter side of her. Hence, my response, just an inviting smile.
"Look at your Boss. A typical Indian worker..."
Indian Worker translates to hard working like an ass and bitchy like an asshole. Smart workers in this country are mostly considered lazy and a threat to the immediate bosses.
"...He probably means nothing to anyone. Not life changingly. But to you, he did. And he does not even know about it."
And there, I was learning life's philosophies from a 'hippie'.

No denying my swinging hips like a pendulum - slowly from that typical Indian worker to a Smart worker. Stuck in a rut of over working cause the smartness had been denied over and over again. To cut the long story short. Overworked. Unhappy. Dissatisfied. Falls unwell. Immediate boss crosses his daily insulting measures. Next - Resignation. No. Do not even think of me fighting it back. I do not blame him for my resignation. Its not his fault he could not inspire me (though he did give the resignation a push). Its not his fault I was unhappy. Its not his fault I was caught in that trap of a dull duller life and the social expectations of this world. Its not his fault if I was done with this life. Done with this job. Done with these friends. Done with this city. The new was over. The excitement was no more. And the plate was empty. I needed a refill.

Here I am. Standing in the queue with anticipation. I can see that the table has many and big dishes lined up but I do not know what is in it. Standing in the queue for a while, sometimes I get extremely curious and excited at what it holds. Sometimes I distract myself by assuming what all there is and think of how much of what will I eat. And sometimes I am famished. Irritated and Hungry. And then, there are days when I wonder why did I finish my previous helping so soon. I should have held on for longer. This re filling is a bad decision. But then, the point being, the plate was empty and it needs what it needs.

A month of family vacation. Having your mother, father and the only sibling together with you is not too much to ask when you belong to a happy crazy family which is not dysfunctional. But then, it is, in my case. After more than three years, all of us got together. We probably would not have this year too, if I had not quit my job. I probably would not have met new people and old relatives so closely as I did, if I had not been impulsive. I would have never known how much I need some people and how much some people love me, if I did not pack up my bags and sent the truck home. It was a final goodbye to an 'Independent Lone City Life'.

I have had three months to think it all through. To speak with myself. To know what I really want. And all I want is to know. Know self and the world, more and more. If you have nothing new to offer me, I will move out. And that is what I did one day. Mother called to tell me that my only grandparent had expired. I had not seen her in years. I was not emotionally so close either. But, I sobbed an entire day. I knew now, that space was empty. And my parents were slowly moving in that direction. One day, I will call my children and probably tell them that their grand parents are dead. And that at that moment felt like an unemotional call. I had never lived with my father. Only the initial few years when I was still learning manners and had not learnt how to read a dictionary. The next day, my resignation had reached my office and a call to my father that I was moving in with him.

"I am quitting my job. And leaving this city. I am coming to you.", I said the last line almost like a question. Like I was seeking his permission.
"Is everything alright?"
"Yes. I just wante...."
"When are you beginning your packing?"
I smiled.
"Tomorrow."
"Okay. Keep me in the loop. I Love you."
"I Love you too."

One of the few times when I really meant it. When I wanted to be the first to say it instead of him.

And when I began stuffing boxes. I called K right after just 10% of the packing was done.

"Why are you crying?"
"I can't do this alone. I need you."
"I'll come and see you in a bit."

Well, she was too stoned to come over and help but she spoke to me. She heard me. She made dinner for me. And she told me I was a fool to just leave because she would miss me and I was doing one of the best things by taking this decision. And here again, I was learning life as we shared that spliff.

People will walk in and walk out of your life. You will love, you will fail, you will get caught in the rut of ruts. You will also feel miserable. Dead. Exhausted. Angry. Uninspired. Excited like a child and too experienced for your age. In this process, what mistake we make is giving verbs and adjectives to our life's circumstances. That is another rut. The rut of labeling every phase. And slotting each day in a phase or 'one of those days'. I made that mistake. And what wonders it did to me. Living alone. Hating some of my friends. Definitely getting asocial, mostly. Just plain, unhappy. I was lost in the process of finding myself.

Impulse and Life's situations and your conversations with self will sometimes take you where you thought, t'was now impossible to go. After having dried up my tears on lonesome nights, large whiskey helping after work and love lorn heartaches, I have nothing, I regret. I have come to terms with what I called my 'Yesterday', no matter how it was. I know my yesterday will be a part of present and future. I have come to terms with that too. To believe that quitting your job, moving out of the country and letting go of old people and emotions is fancy. Well, it isn't. If you are open minded, it is a beautiful process, otherwise far more frustrating and difficult than what your yesterday was.

There are days when CT will cross my mind but he would not make me pull my bed sheets out of exasperation. There are days when I miss coming home from work and having the liberty to fix my perfect scotch with cigarettes while I read online but the tea made at home is just as perfect. There are days when I will miss my friend and seeing them for a cup of coffee even when we are just silent but I find blessing in knowing some will be there for me just like this when ever I need them or not. There are days when I worry what it will be like living with your father whom you have seen the longest for 30 days in a year but then, I think to myself what is the ambition of knowing the world and its people, if I can never know my own people. People, whose habits I have naturally adapted without even knowing that they had it. Genes! There are days when I know life will not be mad, it may not be so much of a struggle, it will not be lonely. It will be stable. It will be new. I'll miss my friends. I have given up my peace spots and comfort zones to only explore new ones. I have only replaced friends with family, like I did the vice versa of, some years ago. I have only moved on in life. Emotionally and Mentally. The rest, is yet to come.

For those, who suggested I needed to change my city and pack myself off and away from all that made me miserable. I knew that would not help then. I knew that was not going to solve it from me. Escape was never my way, still isn't. Explore! I now walk out, proud, confident and excited like a child. I know not what holds for me. I know not if I will find my favorite flower. I know not if I leave that jar with my favorite fruit or pickle or that last piece of candy trapped in it, will I find it again BUT I know there will be another jar of new fruits, pickles and candies. Who knows, I may like it more.

Who knows? Lets go explore! Not lost in the process of finding self. But find more in the process of finding. Wander! For all those who wander, are not lost, my friend. Love, Learn, Wander, Live!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

LSL

Emotions are a Man Made thing.

Exhausted. Physically too. Can not. Do not want to write. Been avoiding for months. Still want to. But something tells me if its not now, it will have to be a Doctor.

I came out of the theater, whimpering, like a cat. Skyfall had nothing to do with it. But the world was crumbling inside my head. I longed for peaceful moments but that night I dreaded it. It was not going to be easy spending the next one week alone in a house in silence. Especially calculating his arrival and knowing of hers.

CT was going to come to town again. And his new love and BG's old was already in town - R.

Funny, this world is. Before I knew BG, he fought, thew tantrums and insisted I was R, the love that broke his heart and he was never the same again. She was married and she played along with him during her trying times. Sought comfort in him. Got him addicted to her and then left him. BG, heartbroken. Waited to give up his world for her. To go to any lengths. That's what you do when you are in love, right? But she vanished and came back only to call him a good friend she would seldom meet over drinks.

Apparently, I had known R all along through her blog. And so, we met. We took instant liking to each other.

By now, BG was a happily married man. He had accepted her wandering and his heartbreak. Sometimes, you can still see it in his eyes when he speaks of her. There is some amount of anger, some sadness, a spoon of disappointment and a jar full of shattered dreams.

R and I grew fond of each other. Bonded over other common online friends, cigarettes, alcohol, books and writing.  She called me a kid. She treated me like one. Something told me, her encouragement towards my work was more out of what she had left behind unfinished. Like aspirational parents, who want their unfinished dreams fulfilled by their children. She was also moody. At the drop of a hat, she would snap and judge people. Disliked most. Made the effort of liking very few. Almost like she did not care. Almost like she genuinely did not have an opinion about these people. Almost like she had a vengeance against this world and to survive she would pretend to like a few. The vengeance was strong. You could feel it even in her silence.

R left her humble small unknown town in the name of love for a big big city life. She had been to two different cities for education and work before. But she was still that small town girl. She, still is.

I have no idea what had happened but once in her drunken state she told me, 'I packed all my bags and left in the name of love to that big city and ended up being heartbroken. I could have come back. Instead, I embraced the city. Fell in love with it." Subtext:  I immersed myself in its ugliness and its noise. I let all that take over the heart ache and piled it with ambition and hard work. She used her anger and aggressiveness in her work and became the successful workaholic woman cliche.

No, she is not single, so to say. She met another man after her heartbreak. Almost a decade older. Nothing in common. And not in love too. He was a mere distraction and an escape from the screams inside her head. Or so she thought.

Her quest to find that lost love. To find her happy smiling content self continues. Many men walk past her way. She smiles, invites and traps them in her darkness and her mystery. Mesmerized, these men follow the path she carves for them. Like characters of a book, she is writing. Sometimes, I think she is so aware of it that she intentionally uses it in her favor. Not exactly to let out her heart ache but then its easier to carve a story around characters you have seen and met.

Look deep in her eyes and they look helpless. Like prisoned by the anger of her heart. Innocent. Helpless. Sad. They look like the kind of eyes that still cry on her soft expensive pillows. The wine stains on the bed sheet speak of the life she had not imagined. She could not handle. And in this quest, she met the ever charming and intelligent CT. CT, who has been mentioned rather fondly in the past few posts.

For a long time, I was confused. The thought disturbed me that CT and R could be having a 'thing'. Ct is a lot younger and she, married. This restlessness was shared with BG, who after hearing everything, asked just one thing, "Is he a Charmer?"
"Very. I fell for it." And that I'd like to believe is a huge thin for I hate to trust men and most definitely recognize their tricks. Here, for once, I failed. And miserably so.
"Well, if he is a great charmer then only a woman more charming than him could charm him."

Reality Bites. I found my answer despite BG taking advantage of his friendship with R and actually confirming it. She confirmed the positive.

R has all of a sudden stopped talking to me. CT, I do not want to talk to. I have lost all respect for the man which makes me angrier. Angrier to the extent that I find myself killing CT and R in my dreams. Not once, but repeatedly so. I cry in anger to sleep wanting to finish it all and move on like I never knew them. Like I was unintentionally unlearning things about K, my best friend.

K, her brother and I, now live together. A dream we saw as little girls is now a nightmare. That is another story. Another miserable one, which shall be talked of in the next post.

CT is in town right now. I do not want to meet him. I do not want to hear that voice. I am sure R knows about us which explains her sudden disliking for me. That explains why CT would not talk. Would not meet for it would piss R off. She controls him. And some amount of it, he needs, being aware of his philandering nature.

Six months back I gave CT and my common friend a gift I customized and got made for CT. All I wanted was the friend to give the gift to him on this trip on his. Only and only because I want that burden off my head. Also maybe, deep down in my hearts, I wish he would realize how thoughtful that gift is and appreciate his loss. Or just know how much I thought of him and what I must be going through right now.

I smirk as the next thought hits my head - "I want him to feel all the pain I suffered because of him." And if not him, who knows I may want to start throwing this pain, this anger back at the world. Just like R does. I dread that future.

I want to hang onto my hopes. I want to believe in my happy carefree self again. I am happy not having or discovering a dark side. I have no intentions of finding myself waking to a wet pillow and no pants because a lazy douchebag thinks I am his phone sex partner. Every night after a few too many drinks and spliffs that seem never ending, I do not want to find myself looking for temporary comfort. Failing at my innumerable attempts at forgetting this pain. Forgetting CT. Forgetting my love for him, in the arms of another man. I do not want to lock my room and scribble my feelings on the wall, somewhere feeling I may need serious help. I do not want any help. I do not want to admit my addiction. I just want to get over it. CT has become that drug I am addicted to and knowing I can not have it makes me whimper, makes me angry, makes me want to kill people, makes me want this world to end, makes me sure I want to lie alone naked in a house with no human contact for days, months, maybe years. What's the funniest? I do not even want him. He is an asshole I will never have any respect for. He has only gotten me addicted to him like probably R has him addicted to her. One oh her many men.

I finally have lost my faith in love. I have lost my strength to hold onto any hopes. Lets get real. This world was never made for emotions. We were sent here as animals. Like K said to me once, "You can never love. You are such an animal. You just fuck." Ladies and Gentlemen, that's my best friend for over a decade telling me that with absolute seriousness. I let it pass but that I will hold against her. She had no right to say something like that to me when she is not even interested or has a clue what I feel for CT and what I am going through. This is the 'best friend' of my life, I live with.

Despite reading all of this, if you still expect me to move on with my life and hope and expect how unexpectedly things will change for me one fine day. I am sorry. I have not just given up. I have lost a game with no second chances. Lost my belief in my strongest value of 'Loving without expectations'. BECAUSE FUCKERS! PEOPLE EXPECT! AND THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU LOVE THEM YOU FUCKING RECOGNIZE THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND GO OUT OF YOUR FUCKING WAY TO DO THINGS FOR THEM! I, have done, if not everything, yet I can proudly say, I have. I have fucking followed my heart (who was that fucktard who told me that?) and taken my risks time and again. I did today too in the middle of this post. I said I do not want to meet CT but I asked him to see me and he said he had plans. I knew it would turn this way. But I did. I took my chances. I have just been taking chances time and again, time and again, time and fucking again. But like they say right, somethings never change. My failures have not. My disappointments increase in a multitude, though. Every friend I ever banked on. Every tiny little thing makes me realize how most of my friends are not interested in my life. In what I may have to say. In what I may feel. They are there because I am there for them. Or maybe because I never told them about anything that ever mattered. I just don't. I just can not talk as much as I may want to. I can not think of a single person I can just hold, bury my face under their arm and cry till I sleep off in their lap and wake up to them smiling and making me feel like it is all fucking right. If I did not tell anymore because I wanted to make them feel like its no big deal then it really isn't. I want that person to smile and tell me it was all just a terrible terrible nightmare and its a bright new day. Its all the same as I left it more than a year back. Its all OKAY, in the real sense of it. I just want that smile to wrap me and make me believe all that I have unlearned. Make me that happy innocent smiling child again. Remove the chirpy mask and still find the awesome me that is confident, smart and happy. Just so fucking happy, I used to be that it confused people. Now, it doesn't matter to them. Such is world. Such is Life.

I have no idea what am I going to make of myself. But something extreme awaits this time.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.
LSL

A Stale Piece of Cake

Of what was supposed to be a peaceful virtual interaction has become not a barrier but lets say, it’s a reef – slippery, disgusting, fancy looking yet not something you will pick up and take home as part of your collection. Like my life, now.

With no Internet for over two months, I have been waiting for a chance to write, to tell you a story, another chapter of a new life gone old. But as life has it, I am unable to match my steps with the stars that dance above my head. Clueless – Confused – I do not know where to start, before I catch up, the footwork has changed and it’s a new lesson all over again. A viscous circle I chose to go round and round in, not knowing it could spin my head. How foolish I could be? Going round and round continuously does give you a head ache. One of the first experimental lessons you learn while playing Ringa Ringa Roses. I am sorry. I forgot. Or maybe just wanted to play again. Feel that sadistic joy we all felt after those circles, again.

“Somewhere I think K has a negative influence in your life.”

“Why would you say that? That ain't true. I Love her!” It almost sounded forced to me. It might have to BG too.

This man was interested in me. We spoke all day. We flirted all night. Good looking. Smart. Could give him a shot cause I felt maybe it was high time I explore. I open up.

“He pinged me. I did not reply.”

“Why?”

“Because I know you guys are flirting and now we live together so I think I should not come into the picture.”

“Chill. Maybe it was just a ‘Whats up’ ping.”

“Yet!”

For once I felt proud of her.

“Are you texting him?”

“Yes. You?”

“I am going to stop talking to him. I do not like him texting us both together…. “

Of course it was me who took a step back and they kissed, after a week of texting and getting introduced by me.

“Its like she wants every man you remotely flirt with.  If she was even slightly pretty, I would have asked you to pretend like you were flirting with me. Then, she would be interested in me too.”

As mean as that line was, it strangely made me feel good. It was BG’s opinion but it was like he said it for me. Like I felt this somewhere deep down but would never say it to self. And then, he said it, like, on my behalf.

I have been warned. None of my friends like her. Including V, the recent man I sleep with off and on. He does not even know her. Just thinks, “She is your friend, I understand. But why, I do not.”

Now my defence for her has come down to an unreasonable “Because I Love her. She is my oldest bestest friend.”

“You know, my friend had the chance to hit on this girl I liked. She was all over him. And I was not even in the same city. Yet, he backed off. Other guys didn’t. He did, cause he is my friend.”

BG’s anecdote that made me feel worse.

“I was about to go and ask that guy at the bar that he was trying to get all jiggy with you the last time.”

“Is the purpose of your life is to embarrass me?”

“No! Why should you be embarrassed? It is he, who should be.”

He, who flirted with her the first few times and then started to hit on me pretty blatantly and sexually. Ofcouse K was told about it. And she (probably) did not like it.

K is seeing RH. The man I had had my first one night stand with. The man was gentle and became a nicer person after I got to know him once K and he started dating. K is ofcourse having her fun while he is away. Her brother and I do not approve of it but then, ‘it is her life after all’.

It was a good time to go home. To just indulge in home cooked food and some comfortable quality time with family, where there would be no space left for me to think, to over think, to evaluate and to realize what I do not want to.

She decided to come to her home too after two days. I came back before her and saw some of my invaluable things missing. I checked her drawer, only because I have noticed other insignificant things from my house missing before and finding at her place. But I never confronted her regarding it. This time too, when I found it despite us sharing the room. I have not confronted and will not. But I know, now, that I have taken it back from where she hid it, she knows that I know.

Yes, this is what I live with. This, is what I call my life partner. This bond – a marriage. This closeness – a treasure. Unfortunate, I feel. This is all I have truly invested all my emotions in. Feels like finding your husband has been cheating on you after 20 years of a happy blissful marriage. I am sure, this is what this feels like. Sadly, I called her family. They do not do this, do they? Are they always that selfish? Does it make you feel like a toy? This does. This makes me feel like a fool. Worse than what CT made me feel – A never thought of heartbreak.

I fell in love with the man. He knew it. For his comfort, he was always around and otherwise, well… He is apparently finding his comfort in many like me. He has in the past and continues to do so. A hard step but I have taken many steps back, resisting the temptations of the comfort his arms. He angers me, like no man ever has. He saddens me, like no other bond had until K.

K beats everything. Unfortunately for me, all of this came together, slowly, like a venomous drug spreading through my veins, killing me softly without any pain. For once, struck with so many realizations, poured with so many lessons, I feel not cold, I feel not unnerved. I feel wiser. I feel stronger. I feel the original plan shall take place. I am even more seriously thinking of moving out of the country. Not now. No impulse has gotten me where I have wanted to be. And believe me, I have lived quite a part of my life on impulse. Take it as an advice, if you please.

A new world, a new set of people, not even familiar looking for that matter is what I am looking forward to, now. It’s a long time from now. Maybe a year, maybe more, maybe less, but it is to happen. I have fought my surrendering to a world of no love and no loyalty. I still have the strongest part of me going once again, my faith. Feelings will change. People will be replaced. But there is no escaping yourself. Be true to yourself. Do not let anything anyone turn you into what you do not want to be. For as lame and repetitive this may sound, believe you me, its true, my friend. If you are young, you are learning. And learn with an open heart. Never forget, at 50, you will have to pass the same lessons to your children. They will go through the same, god forbid, maybe worse and that is when they too will break down and come home, just to escape into their oldest comfort zone, the home cooked food.

I still have a lot of love and still a lot of strength to dive into adventures. This, my friend is nothing compared to the possibilities that exist in this world. So many lessons still await me and my old habit of learning them the way refuses to fade away. With every ash falling on the keys beneath this screen, the lips curve upwards, a little more.

“A True friend is he, who never talks behind your back”, said someone casually today. That is when I picked my laptop and moved out to start typing the above. But now, it is no more about the out pour, it is for you to know, nothing in this world is that important to learn it the hard way. Be cautious. Protect yourself a little, not over. Be sensible. Be open to learning. Be attentive and catch well whatever life throws at you. It could be an insignificant lemon that you may not sight in the sky, it could be a pumpkin that could break your head if not got your calculations right.

Love ‘n’ Peace.

Hugs. Kisses.

LSL.

Walking on the Wild Side

I was so confused as a little child trying to make sense of love, of men of sex. I thought old people were hornier for they had more kids than our parent's generation because according to me people had sex just to make babies, which means two kids = had sex twice in life. Yes, I was a kid. Now, a whore? No. Definitely not. The music in me tells me its a good fuckin' life.

CT was loved. CT broke my heart. Common friend calls

"Do you know AB?"
"No."
"She is CT's new love interest."

This conversation while CT is in front of him. He denied loving her, being interested in her. But she landed in his city to see him. To surprise. Only, he was shocked. He didn't appreciate the impulse yet welcomed the 'shock' and took care of her. Told her this was not meant to work. She asked him to give her a baby boy and she would live with it for the rest of her life in a pilgrimage. *shakes head* Who talks like this today? CT came out clear to me and all our common friends calling her a psycho and started flirting with me once again. Ofcourse, I responded but cribbed to a friend as to wtf this was. On her insistence, I sent him a song pouring my feelings, he did not take it seriously and I thought I screwed up. He wrote something about a 'fat bitch' and I thought I came across as someone pushy to him and felt worst about self. Cribbed to K. And the best solution to a heartbreak is drinking endlessly with friends and meeting new people. Hence, was done.

Drinking smoking, like life is good. The music helped the sorrow fade away. The pain of his ignorance and a confession that got no response was healing in smoke circles of hash and big gulps of Bacardi. The best bit about regular pubs is meeting friends who are regulars there too. Bumped into V, a neighbor, a friend and a regular. We chatted like always but who knew going back home together would mean the same this time too. V and I had no chemistry.

"Do you want to go back home together?"
"Sure."
On the way.
"Do you have any alcohol at home?"
"Yes. Beer?"
"Excellent."
Conversation from our same roots, our childhood, education, politics were taken over by music once home.
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"I am not much of a reactor." Followed by some personal anecdote about some nondiscrimination, cause that is the word I heard.
"You still haven't answered my question."
"What?"
"How do you react to indiscretion?"
"Eeerr... I do not know how to react on this. " After a long pause. "Everything is good man."

He got off his chair which was a feet away from me and leaned. Led me to my room and undressed me like this was all that was on his mind. He was rather different in bed. Can not say, good or bad, but different. Also, considering I had regrown my virginity after almost a year of no 'humpy action', I was in a sorted place. Stoned. Drunk. Horny. Both of us. We did it twice. He stayed back, cuddled and slept. Just the perfect end to a heartbreak. My life is a fucking movie! Yes, I also made morning tea for him and he left with my mug. Neighbours, you see.

As soon as he left, I check my phone and find a text from CT saying he has a stop over in the city for 3-4 hours. And yes, we met. He, me and our common friends. I thought it would be very awkward between us because of the conversation we had yesterday but it was not. He hung out all night as friends, laughed, flirted and he made one of the best home made coffees I have ever had. Told me and the friends about AB's antiques and how he wrote the 'fat bitch' for her friend who was talking slyly about him. CT was looking for books in my room when I walked in and he pulled me in to hug. It was a hug I was longing for and loving every second wrapped around his arms. I have not found such comfort anywhere but in his arms. Its warm. I melt and forget the world. We kissed. (D'uh!) We all left to drop him and all through the way I slept on his shoulder, he played with my hair, stole kisses and he sang in my ears through the way. It was perfect. It was comfortable. Just so comfortable! The kind that a craving pregnant woman finds in her chocolate ice cream at 3:00 AM. Yes, that. And then, he left. We were in a happy place, once again. As I saw him go, I saw my heart turn away. It did not sink, did not smile, did not break. No questions asked. No answers given. For nothing was felt. No emotions left. And once again, I was emotion less. Left wanting to feel the feeling called 'love' but it was misunderstood in CT's case too.

My feelings confuse me in the strangest ways. Sometimes I think I thought I was in love with CT only because I wanted to be in love. Sometimes I think, maybe I was which is why I let go of myself, got myself heartbroken and am now making a sinner of my memory by constantly telling the heart 'it wasn't love'. I have let it go. Fuck it, like they say. Emotions are not my thing. Too much hard work recognizing, feeling and understanding. Next day, I text CT 'I need a headrest.' He would know what I mean, but he did not reply. Realized, its best till its there. Do not put yourself through the same thing of constantly flirting and finding mush and comfort in him. I will only fall in love again, question again, break this heart again. Before I could let it go completely, I find out AB, 'fat bitch' and CT's ex have ganged up against him and talking crap to the world, abusing him left, right and center. Apparently, he had been flirting with the 'fat bitch' too and many other women. All of these women found out and became the Crazy Ex Girlfriends. Tarnishing his reputation, pulling everyone by the collar and telling them what a bitch CT is and how girls should beware of a nympho like him.

Well, I do not deny that for he is a flirt. He does make his woman feel like he is dying to be with them but can not. He is a player, that way. I was only glad these women did not know about me or at least did not drag me into this considering how they really were dragging the world into this matter. I stayed quiet for a few days but felt bad for him. Finally defended him a little. Not really defended but at least asked the women to stop washing their dirty laundry in public. Its a simple thing. I have met AB. She is bloody sweet and I respect her belief in love and passion for it but I am sorry, I am not a very big fan of women letting go off their dignity. If a woman thinks a man is an Asshole and does not deserve your love, then he does not deserve your wrath too because men find guilt in a woman's silence not in her blabbering to the world about his character. If a woman respects herself, she does not have to shut up and cry about it but be bloody strong and have the balls to not howl and cry to the world. I am sorry, that is not how you guard your self respect which a man had already shaken when you fell for him. Unfortunately they did and why did I speak for him? Because as a friend, I thought I must. Yes, just as a friend.

I know exactly the conversations he must have had with these women. So much so i can quote him. But neah, not a feeling felt, not a drop of jealousy, not an inch of pain or betrayal. I knew he is a Flirt all along. I knew what he meant and how much of it when he said whatever he did. Whether him wanting to cuddle up in the middle of a night or wanting to ball dance to Beethoven. He did mean it all, but only momentarily. I knew that. They didn't. Unfortunate for CT that he had to go through such public humiliation. He did mess with the wrong women and I texted him along with a friend assuring him he was a nice guy, no matter what. He is a friend. The Love, the pain was gone, like it never existed. Like our togetherness never existed. Ofcourse he did not reply to that either. He is coming back to town in a few days. Do not know if we will meet. Do not know if we will ever know or see each other again. Its a chapter that does not know its end.

The Walk on the Wild Side has just begun!

Regular weekends include K and I getting stoned and listening to crazy music. One of such weekends fell right after CT left and TC comes back. We had been in touch off and on trying to figure when is a good time for him to come over and that day I just let him. K, he and I chilled until we went to my room and finished what was meant to. Just when we finished and we were trying to catch our breath, the door bell started ringing like crazy. It was 2:30 in the night. It was scary cause the bell would not stop ringing, I rush and open the door and what do I see? FUCKING V was standing outside my door, drunk.

"WTF are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. Do not want to sleep alone."
"But I have friends over."
"So, we will sleep in your room."
"V! This is crazy."
"I know but keep me with you, please."
"V, I have friends."

After trying to put some sense in his head for 15 minutes outside my door, I took him to the other room and asked him to stay there till i came. In the meanwhile I went back to my room, told TC a friend came over and TC said he will leave, and so he did. K was in the drawing room, confused. Yes, I was too. All my buzz was gone in that time. Went back to V, we cuddled, we made out until the bell began ringing again like crazy. This time it was my flatmate, who came home pissed drunk. I wanted to kill myself at that moment. So much panic. So much drama. This was out of a fucking film, I warned ya. I make V put his clothes back on and took him into my now empty room. Thankfully he was too drunk to realize there were no friends in my room now, like I had told him just a few minutes back. Flatmate, drunk and confused. I tucked V in the bed and went out to take care of a drunk Flatmate who had to leave the house in 15 minutes again to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. Hydrated her, got her into her senses and put her in her car. Both of us giggling like girls with no idea how to react on what was happening.

Once she left, I went back to V. We had unexpected sex. It was just about cuddling, right? He freaked me out by saying 'I Love you' during the act too many times. Did not let him finish and put him back to sleep. Woke up, and the regular tea and music followed V, K and me. V finally after spending a long time in the morning and few short making out sessions, left for home.

I just wanted to get comfortable, hug my best friend, K and sleep. K and I, both had not slept all night. My head was hurting with so much panic and so much sex till I finally slept in the afternoon the next day. Within two hours, I had had sex twice with two different men that night. It sounds pretty whore-ish but it did not feel that way at all. And now I wonder, where is the bloody conscience? Where are the bloody feelings? Blowing away with every smoke circle? Drowning with every gulp of rum? Where was CT? I want to hold him and sleep. Sing for me, while I sleep?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

Chaotic Peace

Bad Dreams come to us all. We all wake up in the middle of the night to look around for comfort. To take us in our arms and calm our fears down. Why do bad dreams scare us so much? Because it is in your sleep that your conscience fully awakens, answering all your questions in semiotic forms. Mine do too.

"CT!"
"Tell me"
"What?"
"Nothing. Just wanted a Hug then."
"Aaaww."

CT is still missed. He still fucks my head. I still wait for my phone to beep to see his name flash. He is missed. But not longed. Maybe not loved either.

Funny, how we wish for someone in our lives just to boost our self esteems. Funny how we want them just to comfort ourselves with a thought of having someone. You may not want them, yet you do, for reasons that are complex. That someone for me is CT.

When CT happened, I knew exactly what this was. I knew it will end with a kiss at the break of dawn. We continued to act all mushy, staying in touch. Flirting. Loving. That too came to an end with unsettling emotions and conversations. Sometimes it feels like it vanished in a whiff. Maybe it did, but why did I not feel a jerk. Instead, I felt anger. Anger at being rejected like this. Anger at not getting an upper hand. Anger at not getting a chance at massaging my ego. But then, when have I?

In all the past months, of all the men have come and gone, I have been the door mat. I have been the foolish one hoping to make it work, even when I actually did not want to. Probably because I wanted a stable relationship more than the person.

No point in self victimizing and lying to yourself. Lets face it - In the deepest and darkest of the corners of my heart what it all was. It was all a sham. They all, just temporary comforts. There is indeed a comfort, a morale boost in being longed. In being wanted, but not giving. That piece was missing. As much as I wanted to reach that stage, I ended up being on the other end. Or at least making them believe so.

All of these men probably think I long for them, when I do not. All of these men would probably think at some point in their lives, I loved them (or at least I hope they do), when I did not. Love, my friend, is a funny game.

So many of you said in the last post, I need a change. A new set of friends. A new city. I too thought that would do the trick, but not until you make those minor changes in self. Everybody in Every city are the same, if you are. And everybody in the same city change, if you do.

I have spent too much time looking for love, finding some awesomely wrong ones, made some terrible mistakes. Felt used, hurt, special, cheated and more, all in the meanwhile. But this is part of the process. It is what takes you closer to what you really have and value it.

Unlike all these men, G is home. Times when I really look for a clue if 'true love' and 'stability' exist, all I do is shut my eyes and bury myself in G's arms. G is where I find true comfort. G is home. Its now I understand why I broke up with G. To really know and understand what I had. And luckily, I have not lost.

"Are you officially dating that girl from your office now?"
"No. But we go out."
"Then date her no, dumb-dumb."
"No point. Her parents are looking for boys for her. Plus I have no intentions of marrying for another 5-6 years."
"Oh! So if I do not find anybody after 5-6 years, I can still flirt with you."
"Ofcourse! You are THE WOMAN in my life."

How stupid was I to let this man slip who would be around, holding me, stabilizing me, loving me, encouraging me, holding my hand even when his body and mind are completely occupied by the television set in front of his eyes. This is love. This is a relationship. I have never ever even been able to imagine a life like that with any other man. The thoughts have never gone beyond your typical teenage love dreams. Maybe a little more when it came to BG and CT. BG was too good a friend to question any comfort. It was easy to think of comfortable times with him because he was a great friend. CT, guess it was the timing. The peak of desperation to get out of the mess that all other men created and finding love in that stranger. But the truth is, CT was never comfort. BG was the comfort, you find in friends. G, is home!

Now, why would I not get back to G?

Its simple, actually. He is that one man I would never want to hurt in my life. He is that only man who has earned my respect and trust through and through. I would not do ANYTHING on this planet to fuck with his head ever again. I have done that enough. Not again.

I truly love him for what he is. And I respect him, more than anything else. What if I change my mind? What if an external factor makes it difficult? Just, what if it is not to work out again? Then, what? My relationship with G is so special to me that I would not want it loosing its real essence with a second chance. Like an awesome movie fucking it up with a squeal. G is special. And to treasure it and have it all my life, I will save it under a secret place, where no one can find it. I Love you G. (I had not said that in so long!)

Now, my current status on Love, Sex and Relationships?

Love - May or May not happen. No hurry, any more. No point looking cause you only end up finding the wrong ones. The right one will walk upto you just be alert enough to recognize it.

Relationships - They do not just happen. They need hard work from both ends. You are only ready for it when you are willing to trust, love and share a life. Maybe I am not ready for that yet.

Sex - Oh! How badly I should be getting laid right now. And ofcourse ask the man to fuck off after I have orgasmed. (Ego Boost? Remember?)

I have found my peace in this chaos. You would not know what peace is, till chaos comes. You would not know what love is, till hurt and rejection happen. You will not know what sex is, till you have had a long dry spell.

Am I back? Or Am I back? My Lovelies, I throw my arms at you for a BIG HUG and a BIG KISS. (Like G and I always said. ;))

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - I am not going to stop looking around. I am not going to stop making the mistakes I have. I am going to live, learn and have fun. I am not going to attach myself to anybody just because I need that 'comfort'. And you understand this only after you have discovered what you were actually looking for.

Pieces of the Heart

All I wanna do is crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep. Running away from the past does not come easy, but this hurt I feel is not easy to face, either. Sleepless nights. Sleepy nights full of nightmares. Nightmares of blood. Blood that flows in my broken heart. The pieces of this broken heart can't be put together anymore.

Which piece of the broken heart do I begin from? The Phoenix in me is finally dying with no hope to rise again. I am sure it has a re birth limit like a cat too.

I said this in the previous post 'Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does.' And so it did. Not once. Not twice, but over and over again. Just aged a thousand years in a few weeks. Only so much can a lonely heart take. A heart, open for loving and being loved. A heart granting constant forgiveness. A heart, which is failed and hopeless, now.

Sitting by my window, hiding behind music, I let the emotion die with every minute. But then every song has a story to tell. Stories that just imprison me with hurt again.

K began dating RH, a betrayal of friendship, I thought. F happened right around that time. One meeting, one kiss and the heart smiled. It happened again. And again. I went away only to come back and find out F and K were online friends. F had fallen for K, in the first 'chat'. They talked allot, they flirted, WTF was really happening. Is my life being filmed for some reality movie? Seemed like it. F vanished saying 'He found K hot and liked her.' I was just away for three days and his 'feelings' for me died.

K knew I thought of F as an Asshole of sorts, now. She secretly spoke to him and lied to me about ignoring him. But why was she doing that? She was already dating RH that time. Cutting the cake and having it too? All I knew was, my friend stood by me in words. She hailed abuses at F for acting like a jerk with me, but what she did not know was I knew that she was still being nice to him, maybe more than that.

It was F's birthday, and we go to our regular pub. The pub was renewed. The claustrophobic charm was lost. We sang to our favorite songs and stared at the newness of the pub, looking stoned and bored. K whispered, "Your F, is here too." I had already noticed and ignored. I turned back and said, "I know. How did you recognize him? You two have not met ever."
"Pictures! He gave me a familiar look and I turned away. I understood it was him."
"Hhhmm." (So buy able!)
"You can go say Hi!"
"I don't want to."
RH held her from behind and they began dancing again. And I excused myself from the place.

F pinged the next day confirming if I was there at the pub or not.
"I thought I saw you at this place."
"If it was two days ago, then you might have cause I was there."
"I met your friend, K too."
"Oh! Yes, it was her birthday. But how did you guys know each other?"
"She recognized me and said Hi. So we talked."
"Oh!"
"Why did you not say Hi to me?"
"Because I did not see you. Was really drunk and stoned, you see."
"I thought you saw me and ignored. So I did the same."
"Lol. I am not that kind of a person. I will say Hi next time I see you."

I partially lied. I am not that kind of a person for sure, but I was at that time. I was angry. For once, I felt anger at a man.

Call it destiny, call it co incidence, I met him again the next day at another pub where I went drinking with another friend. We smiled and did say Hi this time.

He spoke to me once I got home. He weirdly kept insisting who was this 'friend' I was with at the pub. I laughed it off until he began crying about how K had now begun ignoring him. That he would now 'delete' her from his life cause it hurt him to see her around but be treated this way. I just listened. Why? Because I know he is a lonely messed up man with no friends. I pitied him, now.

S, the longest wooing man in my life had begun to build up now. I was not open to a relationship when he first asked me to give it a shot, but after an entire year of wooing, and the recent hurt, I was wanting to find stability in my Love life and I knew, S was the perfect guy for it.

S and I spoke for days. Met. He came home. We hardly hugged. We knew this was going somewhere. We were happy. There were times he would not reply to texts and calls too. But when he would, he seemed genuinely busy. I let it go. We decided to meet again, but without informing he cancelled. I let it go. Probably my heart was not all into him, after all. It did not seem to matter that much. Happened again and then again. Finally he had to be told to leave. He was told how hurtful it was to cancel on someone and not adhere to the general courtesy of letting the person know. It was also hurtful and rude. All he had to say was he was still busy in office. He could have done that earlier in the evening too, but he did not. And never tried getting in touch again. Now, when I look back, I see it as a good thing. I was never attracted to him. He would just be a distraction. As a matter of fact, I had no feelings for F too. I just felt like a bus stand for all these men who walked in and out as per their convenience.

I decided to let it all go and never again give a chance to another man. The best way to distract yourself - Get drunk with a new set of people or friends who you know are harmless and totally capable of distracting my mind. And so they did. Met new people, smiled, laughed, felt myself coming back. Also made one of the best fun conversations with CT. CT came to town just for twelve hours to meet another of the new friends. We were pissed drunk. He asked for a hug and I do not know how but he leaned in for a kiss and we kissed until interrupted by another friend who walked in on us. We kissed and kissed again later. He held my hand through out. We spent the night just holding each other, talking literature and feeling each other. Cuddling, hugging and kissing. He talked about his ex and how she had hurt him. He asked, "Have you ever been hurt?"
"I do not want to talk about it."
He held me and kissed me again.
"I miss being loved."
And my heart melted. We all do. I do too. And all I wanted to do that night was make him feel loved because I know how lonely and horrible it feels. He was going to leave at the break of dawn, anyway.

We loved, we laughed, we talked and kissed all night. Only to say goodbye to the perfect stranger in the morning.

We should have stopped there. But two lonely hurt hearts can not do that. We texted. We spoke. We shared our days in pictures and words for days. There was mush all over my face, all over my phone.

F kept calling and texting the next day. I ignored. Not only was I done with him, completely. I was also happy being with someone else. F called all day. I ignored all day. F finally texted at 2 AM. "I am outside your house." I met him. He leaned in to kiss. I pushed him away and gave him a piece of my mind, he deserved. He had the audacity to say, "If you were just a booty call. I would have come inside your house." Like I would let him in?
"Do you realize you can not walk in and out on people? It hurts."
"What about people who are already hurt, L?"
"That gives you no right to hurt other people. You are just messed up and need to sort your life out. I promise to be there as a friend but this is not something I can put up with."
I walked out on him, forever.

In the meanwhile, CT and I were like a happy couple who are blushing and smiling all day. He sang for me 'Strangers in the Night' and we knew we were each other's 'perfect strangers', not knowing we will see each other again or not. We knew we felt for each other too. It was not just a one night thing.

This very thought began to frustrate me and I expressed it so. He calmed me down and said he had no clue just like me, only to see him withdraw from the next day. I reciprocated in the same way. Only to find out later, his ex got to know about us and was giving him hell for it. He said he was guilty to lead me on and hurt me. I should have stopped. I didn't. I behaved like my asshole self. Acting all nice and understanding while I died inside. I told him how he could have been an asshole like the rest and just vanished if he wished to, but he was a gentleman to talk about it. We let it go after that conversation. Yet, it did not stop. I cried non stop for two full days. Hiding my swollen red eyes from the world. Sometimes, I still get them. CT, was liked. He came back to say he loved me. And we got back to our usual self again. And when after days he asked if I loved him too, I confessed. And he began to fade away again. This time, I really let it go. I find it hard not to be talking to him all the time. Not to waking up to his sweet nothings in the middle of the night, I miss that morning squeeze and the sleepy cuddles we talked and imagined about. But we got to let it go. We may have wanted each other. But his heart and mind was pre occupied and I was just a mere distraction for him.

It hurts still. Even now, when I want to snuggle in my bed and cry myself to sleep, I wish CT would hold me and kiss me to sleep. But we will not. And never will. Probably no man ever will. Because I am done. I am dead. My heart is a dead phoenix that can not rise from the ashes again.

Love Sex and Friends.

When you wake up and reach for the left over Belgian Chip Chocolate Ice Cream in your Freezer and then the left over half bar of Twix, the world will know you have not had a good week.

Life is fucked. I would not say could not get worst, cause it always does. Just when I was wondering all of my days what do I write on my Blog, cause nothing except work happens in my life. RH came back and how!

RH is back, living with my best friend K. How does he know her? Reminder - K's boyfriend's best friend, also RH is that sweet loving caressing guy I had a one nighter with. He was gone for a year and has re appeared, but left like a Ghost.

K, like always kept trying to hook me and RH up through out his stay, but I kept ignoring, instead made fun of the whole idea in front of RH and let it go. Despite K trying to place me with him verbally, she would always stick around with him, flirt with him in obvious ways. Where is K's boyfriend? Away for the last two months for work, and will remain away for the next four to six months more.

"RH and I kissed!"
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah...."
"No, I could not hear you."
"RH and I kissed."
"Whaaaat!?"
"Yeah..."
"WTF dude!"
"I know."
We laugh.

I really had no clue how to react. Thankfully I was with this other close friend of mine at that time and I just lay my head on the table after hanging up and the friend knew what just happened. Apparently, none of my friends like K. They think she is weird and not a true friend to me. But the point is, she is my friend and I do not give a fuck. I will do anything and everything for her. But this time? I did not know.

"RH and K kissed."
"Whaaat?"
After a pause.
"I am not surprised."
Awkward silence.
"WTF man! I knew this was coming but really this should not have come."
"Well..."
"No well... This ain't cool man. Friends DO NOT kiss the same guy. Ever!"
"Then you should tell her that..."
"Now? When she has already kissed him?"
"Before she sleeps with him."
"My saying will not stop her from sleeping with him."
"Then your friendship is fucked up."
"No."
"Dude! She is going to sleep with the man you slept with."
"Dude! It is not about him. I don't give a flying fuck about RH. Its just as a friend she should not have done that. Its weird man..."
"Then tell her no..."
"I don't think RH is worth fighting over with K."
"WTF are you talking?"
"She sounds excited about RH. I can not help it. I should have known when she kept randomly saying things like 'I can share my man with you cause you are such a best friend of mine' jazz. Argh."
"What?"

K Calling.

"Are you mad at me?"
"Why?"
"Cause you know... RH and me..."
"Oh! Crazy woman! Why will I be mad at you? Are you stupid?"
"Phew! I knew it. I Love you. Come soon. We need to talk. I am going to explode in excitement."
"Ill be there in a while. See you. Muah."

"Why the fuck did you not tell her?"
"Cause I Love her too much. I just can not.... I do not want to kill it for her... She is excited and happy."
"You are not being a true friend."
"I am sorry. I can never be mad with her. Even if she fucked my husband."
"WTF dude. That is just sick!"
"I do not know. I Love very very few people this way but when I do, I do man."
"Stop trying to fit into Godly nice shoes. Get real, for God's sake!"
"You are not going to understand this. It is weird for me. It is crazy. It is not something I am cool with. But I will also let it go. It shall pass away."
"You guys are fucked up."
"So be it."

I did what a friend is to do. Defended her. Laughed with her. Got happy for her. Hi5ed and smiled and giggled like 14 year olds do. But I tore inside. RH was just a one night stand. I was not emotionally involved with him ever, yet I felt cheated and betrayed somewhere. Why did she do this? She described how he played with her hair, held her hand, caressed her lovingly and made her feel like no other man ever has. I just smiled. This time I could not bring myself to Aaaww her because I felt the same and I could not tell her that that is how he feels. I smiled for her. Dying inside for reasons I do not know.

She added me to hers and RH's conversation, it was now a serious conference.

"What do we do about the boyfriend, L?"
"Lol. Finally realized?"
"This whole equation is fucked up man."
"Well... That it is."
"RH's best friend is my boyfriend. My best friend slept with RH. Me and RH are going to sleep together. WTF, man!"
"LOL."
RH was in the conversation but only as a listener. What was he to say, anyway?
"Just for the record, YOU AND I ARE NOT SLEEPING KISSING THE SAME MAN EVER AGAIN."
Maybe my friend was right. I should let K know I am not cool with this before she actually goes and sleeps with my husband.
Funnily, she laughed it off and got back to her usual "RH RH RH" mode. I left the conversation. I'd rather kill my time with this other friend of mine whom I was chatting with along side, J.

"Whats up?"
"Just buying a sandwich. Really need a smoke. Cant find."
"I'll give you a smoke. You get me a sandwich. Super hungry."
"Where are you?"
We were apparently very close.
"I will seriously come over."
"Lol. No. I am kidding. It is 2 AM."
"But damn. I really need a smoke."
"And I really need a sandwich."
"What do we do?"
"Argh. Just come man!"
He came. We sat. We smoked. We talked. We went out for a drive in crazy rains. Ate sandwiches. Came back home. Smoked. Lots of small talk. And then he left.

I locked my house and before I turned, my phone beeped.
"Just so you know. You are cuter than I thought you were."
"Thank you. And you are really sweet."
"Sweet is not good enough. Err... I do not want to kill this but I really wanted to kiss you."
"You remember I am married and have two kids."
"I will still take my chances."
":)"
"Funnily, I have not left yet. I am sitting in my car, messaging you."
"You must go."
"I wanna see you one more time before leaving. Coming to the car?"
"No. :P"
"I can not ask you to come if you do not want to. But I will wait for 5 mins. If you come, great. If not, then well, bye."
"Honestly, its 4:30 AM. I am not too sure if I should walk upto your car alone."
"Come out of your house. I am coming there."
"I am coming out just to SAY Good Night."

The doorbell rang. I stood at my door. He sat on the stairs beside it.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Its late."
"I know."
"You must go."
"Hhmm."
"So?"
"Stop being an Asshole."
He leaned in and kissed.

Despite all that flirting, I was shocked and surprised at what happened. But then we kissed and we kissed and we kissed. Ofcourse he tried getting his hands inside my shirt and on my breasts. But I stopped him. I was proud. I knew I did not want another one nighter. With RH now turning into a disaster and the last one, well you all know what the hell that was. I just did not want one more to add to this horrible feeling list of mine. We kissed for hours and then he left when well it became extremely difficult for him to 'hold on'. Once he got back. We spoke for hours on the phone. Small talk. He said some really nice things to me. The nicest being 'You look so innocent that it is impossible to have dirty thoughts about you. All I wanna do is stare at this angel face and kiss it.' Just the perfect time to say that. I really really needed to hear something so nice after feeling this horrid and torn about RH and K. All it took was that kiss and his sweet talk and random fun company to make me forget all about RH and K. It did not matter anymore, all of a sudden. I was now thinking of F.

When I told K about F, she was excited. Thought I had landed a jackpot with his looks and job. But admitted he looked unstable and a flipper. That makes us complete opposites. She insisted I should date him, but then it was just one meeting, one kiss. He called the next day, asked if he could come over, but I was with a friend. I messaged him the day after that and he did not reply. I kept waiting all night. But he did not. I was right, afterall.

"Date him, L."
"K, This is going to end with a fuck."
"I think he likes you."
"K, No."
"No, believe me L. Men fuck me, they like you."
"I have no clue what makes you think that way. But just so you are reminded. You end up dating all the men you sleep with, and I do not even stay in touch."
"Also, I have slept with some 20 men and you just 3."
We laughed.
"I cant date him. He is not stable, K."
"And you are not fun. You are boring. You have no life. You both will balance each other out."
"K, Where the fuck are you taking this one kiss? This kiss was just a I-will-make-you-feel-special-till-I-fuck-you."
"I have no clue who has hurt you, L. But this will not end with a fuck, babe."

I did not say a thing. Now, I just did not know what do I feel bad about. About how I am disappointed in my friendship? About how K, despite having told her everything, very conveniently says 'she has stopped feeling deep emotions'? She is flipping. I am scared to see her this way. I really am. About F not replying to my text last night? About me being just a fuck for F? About how I will not find a 'relationship'? About how the stability I am so proud of is just on the outside and inside I am an emotional wreck? About how everyday I feel 'bad things happen to bad people' and so I am a bad person? About how I maybe giving in too much to my friendship without receiving anything in return? About waiting and waiting and just waiting like the Step Sister who has no story but just a pretty dress, an ugly face and the significance of a vamp?

I can not look sad. I can never show or express my true feelings, emotions and fears to anyone on this planet. I can not thank god enough for giving me writing. For if this was not there, my absolute power over pretense and fake smiles would be lost.

May you all Love endlessly and find true and genuine Book Love.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - Everyone please put your hands together for Sulagna , my Blogger Diva who just gave birth to a beautiful Bengali Babe. One more girl out in this world to love endlessly and be loved even more so. Hugs Su. You have no idea, how happy I am for you. Congratulations! You will make a Super Cool Mom! Love you.

The Typical Indian Male

"Yes... I didn't get gang raped. Heading Home... SAFE!"
":) Love you. Hope you enjoyed it."
"Long conversation... man!"
Message delivered to K.

I rush into an auto, just cause its been over seven hours and I have not gotten my damned smoke. After ages it was a peaceful, no traffic early morning ride back home. Courtesy calls - I message him. But no, I don't want to. Why? Conversation with self last night.

I walk out of the washroom feeling shy and naked. Rush for my shirt on the chair.
"Unfair. I am still naked. You can sleep naked too."
I smile and lay beside him. TC puts his arm around me. I put my hand on his thankfully no hair chest. Or maybe there were some. Too dark for me to see and nothing that I felt. But I liked cause I was being held after a long time.

"Umm... If my arm stays around you like this, I wont be able to sleep."
I smile and begin to move back. TC grabs me back and we get onto it for the second time.

I came. Thankfully, cause I did not think he was capable of it after he felt hesitant about going down on me and even about turning around and me getting on top of him. What? Really? Do men in today's world deny getting some effortless pleasure? Or did he sense my You-ain't-getting-this-right-Mr.- let-me-take-over feeling? I hope he sensed it. So instead I turn around and well almost did it from behind.

There were times I could not help but laugh. I am sure it hurt his 'mardangi'. But sorry my dear stranger, you had a eight month dry patch, Me, not even a month.

"When was the last time you did it?"
He smirked, "Eight months."
"Fuck! That's long!"
"You?"
"Two weeks.."
An uncomfortable, "Two weeks! I should be the one saying Two days!"
-100
I knew what he was thinking. Yet, the cheap ass that I am, I poked and asked.
"Why do you say that?"
"Cause I'm a guy!"
-1000000000000000000 Sorry stranger, you're points are in negative now. You lost too many too soon already.
"That is bloody chauvinistic of you!"
"Yes! The Male Chauvinistic Pig."
"Pig? You are a fucking asshole who will be getting no more sex from me, Asshole. Not just cause you're a chauvinist, also cause you ain't good, my love. Oh wait! Most chauvinists are bad in bed or is it the other way? The men who are bad in bed decide to become MCPs cause they have nothing else to keep their self esteem up?"
I smile, turn around and bury my face in the wall. Two feet away from him.

10 minutes later...

"Do you have an ashtray?"
"No."
I stare at him in the dark. I am sure he could feel it.
"Its a no smoking room."
Okay. Calm down, L. Not like you care about him but where did the manners go?
"Oh! You're allergic?"
"No. The landlord is. He keeps his house smoke free."
"I'm glad I don't live here."
I lay back in digress.
"Like really? Are you fucking kidding me, asshole? Your landlord is fucking five floors down. Will never know and you are no ideal tenant otherwise I wouldn't be here. Right?"
Gosh! He just denied me my after sex smoke! WTF! No one ever does that! Grumpy face gets worst. Anger increases. Check the phone. Four more hours before its decent time for me to get out of this damn place. I NEED MY SMOKE. He does not even cuddle. Not that I am a cuddle-all-night-after-sex girl. I have a penis in my head, for heavens. Yet! Courtesy? Hello?

Back to the wall.
Final calculation of his points.

1) Picked up - +10.
2) Was gossiping with a friend on phone - -100.
3) Talks rudely with cops cause he thinks his job will get him through all the shit - -200.
4) Defends his fight saying 'Cops are assholes. They should know where they belong.' - 'Err? Wha? What did you just say?' -500.
5) Made the first move - +50.
6) Was too quick in the making out business (He took off my shirt in five minutes of kissing!) - -10.
7) Smelt great - +300.
8) Was particular about his cleanliness and the room's - +100.
9) When I say 'Go slow' I mean it. Instead being the 'Typical Indian Male' he thrust it in. - -10000.
10) Cock size - Normal - You don't gain any. You don't lose any.
11) Ate up my fucking right breast. Overdid it. - -50.
12) He made this weird grunt like sound sometimes - What are you? An Ass in disguise? Your cock does not suggest that. -100.
13) Could not figure out the damn hole - Made me feel as if he was a Virgin. Clit is not a hole, Mr.! And ofcourse he was over confident about how he knows where he is going is right! I had to actually say this to him, "TC! My hole! I'd know better!" - -100000.
14) DID NOT know the art of Seduction - -1000.
15) Hesitant about going down. Just used fingers. Did not even know how to do that. - What the fuck do you have a mouth for? Not like you are a great kisser! Oh! Wait! Why should he go down? Against the MCP guideline, man! -10000000.
16) Refused, rather offended by the offer of changing positions - Its a man's job to be on top of a woman. A woman should know her place. Beneath the man! Isn't it, Mr. MCP? - -100000.
17) Could not get the hole behind right too. - I helped but gave up after a point. Your ego will not accept you ain't getting this right, so no point. By now, I was like, Get done with this damn thing! -10000000.
18) Eight months of no sex - -100 Yes. Now I am just pissed so just about anything will make him lose points.
19) Oh Shit! How could I forget this one! Random bad Music in the Car - -100000000000.
20) Plays Basketball - +100. This is a generously added point just cause he lost too many. (See, I am nice.) True Point - Came before me in the first round - -10000 How Typical of Men!

PHEW!

Believe me, I could come up with more negative points, but then I am being lenient. Also, these are leniently given points. I have rather been generous!

That was my first One Night Stand with a complete stranger I met about two weeks back at a Pub and exchanged numbers in a drunken state. Finally met last night for a not so great night. There was NOTHING exciting about it. I hate G for this. I shall blame him for the rest of my life for spoiling me in bed. And RH for all the Romantic guy loving, caressing, playing with the hair and all that jazz after sex, even though it was just a One Night thing. He made me feel like such a girl. Special and Loved. G, you are an asshole for setting the damn sexual experience bar way too high. I am sorry, I am spoiled. A brat and bloody good in bed. And I know that!

G = Catch!
RH = Small cock but made up with all that loving, sweet kisses and tender caresses.
TC = Thumbs down!

Can not wait and have that long conversation with K and laugh my ass out with her over wine. Much needed.

Conclusion, To be great in bed, you have to be a good person too. Being a chauvinist or proud of your position will only turn women off. Keep that in mind, men! ;)

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.

P.S. - TC just makes me believe I have a cock in my head even more. Tell me I am wrong, my girls! ;)

Out of Reach!

Lately I've been hard to reach

I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel dissin' again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Marshall you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/eminem-lyrics/beautiful-lyrics.html]
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

- Eminem - Beautiful

I just had to write a post today, even if it meant without will. Without will? Yes. I am no more in that 'love' zone. I am back in the 'I do not believe in love' zone of mine.

I was out on a date day before with the guy who had been asking me out for the last six months now. Finally I agreed and went. There was nothing natural about it. I had to force myself to strike a conversation on phone, sms, chat and not so much in person, thankfully, but I did not leave with a feeling. I could feel allot in common but it was just a meeting and back.

I see people talking of love, losing, breaking hearts, being heart broken, being love struck, but by the end of the day it all seems so dramatic, just so made up. Nothing seems real. Everything so forced. So many of us want partners just because it is hard to see others holding someone lovingly and you have no one to. Is this real love? No. It has to be natural. I am still very conservative about such things. If it does not make you feel like leaving the world behind, it is not worth it. Which is why I love Dips, honestly, the only woman I think who hangs on to true love and lives by it. She is my girl from old love lorn literature. Hugs!

Love, today for me has become an over rated emotion. Too much chase, for what? For mostly feeling confused, finding nothing in it, rather letting it be because we think love will find its own route. I guess I am not even making sense, because I have just lost all my interest in that feeling called love, have no opinions about it too. Its just one of those things flashing on News Channels tickers 24*7, people love to discuss but have nothing discreet to say or do about it. Guess, I am just a wrong person for love, now.

I have no option but to believe and I do without compulsion, 'I am not meant for relationships'. Life is so much more, but then, I see no point in anything. I almost feel dead. There just seem to be no emotions in me. No hurt. No love. No insecurity. No surety. Its all just a phase, but love has been lost. It may try to reach me, but I see it coming and then turn my back to it. I don't even know what love really is. Its just weird. Lets just say, I will never admit to it. Since I was a kid, I have never admitted crushes and attractions even to the closest of my friends. Because I thought this was being made up by me. I never let myself lose enough to allow it to be natural. I probably have not grown up or the pattern was so repeated that it has become me, now.

Forget about admitting, I do not feel it in me anymore. Not like, there maybe something on my mind which maybe taking up more space, but it just is not there. There is nothing in it. Love is lost. True love, for me does not exist. Relationships are selfish.
We want to be loved - Selfish.
We want a shoulder to cry on - Selfish.
We want to come home to a loving person - Selfish.
We want to be understood - Selfish.
We want to .... Blah!
And when we are too willing to give, we become Selfless and frustrated in the relationship.

WTF is this? I have forgotten all my lessons. I have no clue about this. And at this point of time in my life, I don't want to. Its like that boring subject, you want to bunk all classes of.

I do not want to fall in a love trap. I do not want to love. I do not want 'love' coming my way, even more. It makes me want to try and I hate putting so much effort in something that should be as natural as the growth of wild flowers is. Having said this, I am not losing all my hope. One day, it will come to me, and that day I will not know what I have but we will be 'in love' swinging on the seesaw of emotions, of selfishness and selflessness. We will never get bored. We will fly. We will come down. And the ride will be a beautiful one, one of ups and downs, one of freedom, content and LOVE.

Dear Love, we will meet someday, hopefully. :)

Happy Valentines Day!

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.
Kisses.